dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks Phil - I'm really happy my Alocasia is coming back. I had a big one that I rescued but it died and was recently thinking how much I liked it. Happy to have a chance with this miracle seed. It feels like a good dissociation I think, or at least I present dissociation if that's a thing.

Thanks San - I hear what you're saying and it is garbage that that's how they've chosen to act, or be selfish etc. I'm still stunned at how a lot of my "friendships" have played out, and how they usually stopped when I didn't want to be a one way dumping ground, or wasn't useful to them in some way. It makes me angry, and although I think it's justified, I do feel guilty and like I'm being "difficult;" that I should gloss over and keep the peace. I'm am wondering if perhaps it's up to me too to change the patterns, or whatever is bringing them into my life, or find out why I keep getting in the same situations. It's tricky because I know I've blamed myself for everything in the past, which is not helpful, or ok to take that level of responsibility. At the same time, I know I've caught myself doing things for people, or being overly giving with people that I don't necessarily feel "safe" with; that maybe don't have my best interests at heart. I feel like that's all I knew growing up and how can I fault the child, or the part of me, who has been through a lot and was just trying to survive and say that it's not working. How do you tell them that what they tried to bring love isn't going to work, and what feels selfish and drove the love away, is probably what you need to do? Rhetorical question though! I think I'm just trying to work this out. It's been festering for a while.

I still think about those friendships a lot, and sometimes the relationships that didn't work out, and then you go into new relationships with these defenses or expectations about how people are going to behave. It really feels underneath everything. One example is I'm filled with anxiety thinking about approaching my landlord and saying I would like rent back for living in a building under these conditions. I start to do the "fair" dance and it seems wrong to ask for more, for something, like I will have to prove all the reasons why.

Anyways, I joined a new gym and while long term I don't think it's the gym for me equipment wise, I've had some nice, relaxing chats with people that would have never happened at the old gym. I'm looking forward to going today and sweating these toxins out of my body, even though from what I've read it's going to be a really long process. The functional health practitioner account I've looked at on instagram has posted that he reckons PTSD is the result of neuroinflammation. It's an interesting theory, but I'm also skeptical as he's has a "seminar/program" that's suposedly helpful in dealing with it. Tbf FHP have helped me a lot recently get to the bottom of things. Apparently, there is functional, or integrative therapy, that takes these things into account as well.

[Larry]

hi Dolly,   i'm sure you will find the right gym.   

[dollyvee]

 Thanks Larry  the gym is a really important place for me and helps me work out all my stuff haha. Hope you're doing well.

I did have another nice chat in the sauna at the gym and in the change room after. Just a couple of nice moments of connection that I haven't felt in a while. Made me feel a little less distant from others and a little more "normal." Realizing that while the other gym might have been what I "wanted," maybe this is a better fit for who I am. Maybe it's worthwhile staying at the gym and adding a couple of days a week as a drop in at another on certain days for certain equipment. Being able to change and be flexible, pick up a new routine has felt nice.

Last night I came across some info about mycotoxins and suicide, and how there is a connection between mycotoxins and suicidal thoughts. Potentially, there are also elevated levels in suicide completers. There was also a paper between elevated neuroinflammation and suicide. When I was thinking about possible exposure as a kid before, I remembered the cellar room in the house at my dad's. It was a 1950's house and there were cold storage rooms like this, but I always remember it having a really bad smell. Looking back, I'm pretty sure there was water damage somewhere. When my dad bought the house, he ripped out the basement and redid it himself. Mostly by himself, which probably meant he had massive exposure to any mold/water damage that was in there. He also lived for a while in the basement suite while renting out the upper part of the house. Looking at the symptoms of toxic mold exposure, he had quite a few --migraines, weight gain (he did like ice cream, but it could also be mold like me), depression, OCD, irritability/anger, and suicidal thoughts. Maybe there were more too that I wasn't aware of. There's so much inflammation on that side of the family as well. The account I've been following posted that "genetics load the gun, methylation takes the safety off, while environment, lifestyle and psychology pull the trigger." I hate the metaphor but it fits.

It's much more tragic to me to think of my father's death in these terms. Genetics not so much, maybe because we didn't know as much then? But the same can be said for mycotoxins. Maybe because it just seems so preventable and something that is overlooked, not considered. I don't know, maybe it's better that I didn't know the reason behind it until now when I could process it better. I guess it's better to look at it as a factor but I don't discount that it had a lot to do with his mental health at the time. I just learned that suicide was illegal in most western countries until the 60s, 70s, and 80s (some parts of the US). No wonder there is shame and stigma attached to it.

Role of Inflammation in Suicide: From Mechanisms to Treatment
https://www.nature.com/articles/npp2016116

[sanmagic7]

hey, dolly,

just a counterpoint thought - maybe trauma is the basis for neuroinflammation, rather than the other way around.  i know trauma can change the brain, lessen parts (such as in my case, the inability to feel/express emotions) or over-activate parts (startle response). 

as i've thought about this relationship thing, why i've gotten into so many neg. ones, i think, for one, the behavior of the other person felt 'familiar', as in i'd encountered it in my family, (my S was npd, as was my ex, my D1, and my first T) and two, i was so eager for some attention, touch, love that i was satisfied for a long time w/ the crumbs i was thrown.  very sad, indeed, but also very difficult to break that pattern.

so glad you're finding some connection at the new gym.  wonderfully important.  love and hugs

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,

I've been interested in what you've written about neuroinflammation, and it makes sense to me. 

I'm glad you've been finding the new gym to be a good place to be, and I hope you'll have more good interactions there in the coming days/weeks/months.

Sending you hugs   

Hope 

[dollyvee]

Thanks San - I mean, who's to say it's not?  I think until the research is done with both neuroinflammation and childhood trauma in mind, there won't be a definitive answer. So, studies need to include the relationship between both of these things and how the interplay between them affects us in a neuropsychiatric way. I've posted a screen shot of what I was referring to but it needs to be approved first. I can say, for me, that I've noticed the changes in my behaviour and anxiety with regards to inflammation. When I ate gluten the last time was a big eye opener how much it influenced that "sad for me/feeling sorry about my life" feeling. I hadn't felt it for ages and then all of a sudden there it was. There's research showing the connection between anhedonia (what I think you're referring to) and childhood trauma and how affects the dopaminergic systems in the brain. That being said, mycotoxins do something very similar by interfering with dopamine as I'm finding out. I've had my own experiences with isolation and feeling pleasure, and it will be interesting to see how detoxing this stuff affects that. What I'm interested in is sorting these things to hopefully get better. If I can separate gluten anxiety, for example, from mycotoxin anxiety from the anxiety I feel when I have to deal with certain people at work, then hopefully I can unpack the feelings around the ones actually related to trauma (work stuff). Hope you find some space to deal with that stuff that comes up for you too 

Thanks Hope - I do like it there and feel more relaxed feeling there and doesn't feel so "competitive" which is nice. Hope you're doing well 

I did have an experience at the gym yesterday that I spent quite a bit of time thinking about this morning, and it just makes me realize how much is going on under the surface maybe. Looking back over my posts the past week or so, I realize too how much it has been like an "opening up" since I started this treatment. There's just all this stuff coming out - haha.

This morning I was remembering how I felt agitated afterwards grocery shopping and on the ride home. Physically the sauna felt much more difficult this time and was wondering if I was detoxing a lot of stuff as it was much more of a struggle to be in there this time. I was also thinking about taking NAC and how much irritation/irritability seemed to stop/go away when I take it. I also wondered if the irritation was due in part as well to the people that were in there and maybe they're not mutually exclusive.

I was in the sauna and a group of older men came in, probably in their 60's or 70's. There's something about that age bracket maybe (?) where I feel like there's a sense of entitlement. Anyways, one had a birthday and made a comment about it being a dirty French number. So, the other guy asked him if he was 96. After he said it, it looked right at me as if it would bother me, or to get a rise out of me. I think I may have turned my head when he said that, or the look came afterwards when I was leaving. I left shortly after because it I think the heat was getting to me. I feel like I do a good job of avoiding people like that so I don't have to deal with what comes up. For whatever reason, I ended up watching the the documentary on Netfilx called, "The Paedophile Hunter." I felt like, or realized, or thought, feared etc that the attitudes of the men in that doc seemed similar to the guys in the sauna. I realized this morning that my "pedo alarm," or uncomfortableness I feel around certain men went off when one of them sat by me. I don't know how to describe it, like a negativity, that it's a constant battle/power struggle on some level with you. I didn't even realize I had one, or how much I am aware of stuff like that --like really aware on some level deep down--until writing it out this morning in my paper journal.

I realized too that these men and their attitudes reminded me of my gf and then I dissociated after writing it in my paper journal. An incident came up that happened when I was 26. I'll tw it but I don't know if it was that graphic, or maybe I'm just minimizing it.

TW~

I was taking a bus from Glasgow to Edinburgh to visit a place a lived for a short time while travelling. While I was on the bus, my lower back felt hot for a while and I realized that the man behind me had pressed his hand (oh god I hope it was his hand, I never considered it might be something else) through the crack in the seat to where the small of my back must have been showing slightly.

TW end~

I was so in shock I think I stuffed my jacket down there, and was frozen. I didn't get up to tell the driver anything. I think I was so scared for my safety. I didn't report it to the police. My mind was racing about what to do. When I got to the hostel I told them what happened and they were shocked. I don't think I've ever thought about that incident really or unpacked it. I feel like it was so buried in shame or something else, while at the same time, definitely colours how I feel around men sometimes I think. I don't know, I think it's connected to other stuff as well. It was just really present this morning and I felt it. I also thought about my mom and her calling my gm to say why didn't she do anything, and if I was living my m's SA experiences or if something happened to me too.

I've been reading someone's experiences with mycotoxins and they reckon that it messes up our limbic nervous system and our sense of safety. So, we feel unsafe all the time because of this stuff. It's really interesting and I'm fascinated that this could be a side effect. I've felt this way most of my life. This is also an interesting article that  I came across. I think his response might be different as his sensitivity seemed to happen all of a sudden/all at once, or maybe there is a genetic difference which made his reaction more extreme? But am wondering if it can happen gradually over time as well. I'm also curious if my feelings and emotions about the above incident came about because I'm starting to give my limbic system a bit of a rest by detoxing so that these feelings can come up; I'm not stuck in alert! alert! mode.

https://drruscio.com/brain-stuck-in-fight-or-flight-mode/

It wouldn't let me add the second photo even though the file size was quite small but here's a link to the post:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CeQwfegupcr/?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

[dollyvee]

Called my aunt last night. I figured I would not do the messaging thing. Different generation, different communication methods. I brought up the mold stuff and how it was affecting me and how it could have likely affected dad, that he was showing quite a few symptoms. She had some experience with helping people apply for grants for mold remediation and knew how badly it can affect one's health. I think she took it on board and said that no one would have ever considered it back then; that people wouldn't have even known to wear a respirator. Thinking about it now, I guess it took a long time to sink in for me as well because I grew up never knowing that it was an issue. Oh that's just mold, it's not great for you but had no idea, like a lot of people, how bad it can be. It was actually my dad's birthday yesterday and felt good to talk about it.

Looking back, I think my issues at university with insomnia and not being able to complete papers happened after I had moved out and into a basement suite in my second year. I bet there was some sort of water damage/leak/mold in there that caused these things to come on all of a sudden, but at the time, I just chalked it up to family stuff.

[Armee]

Mold's yucky, for sure.

[dollyvee]

After 10 years, I'm so glad I have test results to show what's going on with me and don't have to be gaslit by doctors or anyone else anymore, telling me that I'm making this up or it's all in my head; that it's what I'm eating or it's not that bad. I knew that I was listening to my body and something wasn't right even if other people didn't believe me.

I've also been thinking how similar this experience was to other experiences in my life of looking to adults for answers and remaining unheard; being gaslit into thinking that it wasn't really there or maybe it was me just because other people didn't understand it, or chose not to. I was also thinking how an illness like this, or having a response like this, also keeps you in a hypervigilant state on a body/unconscious level. As most mold is hidden, my body was probably hyperaware of things that I had no idea about, and would be impacted by things that I couldn't see/didn't know were there. Not to mention doing nerve damage which impacts the vagus nerve.

I'm reading through Toxic now by Neil Nathan and he talks about nerve damage including to the vagus nerve. I learned that the lymph nodes and mycotoxins are related. The body removes mycotoxins via the lymph nodes and there are lymph nodes running down the side of the neck with a cluster where I have my cervical instability. The last time I went to the chiropractor after I started on binder, the base of my neck was so sore and tender. But it's all starting to make sense.

[Armee]

Even though I'm sorry you feel ill I'm glad you have an answer that ties it all together for you. Best of luck to you and your healing. 

[Larry]

 

[dollyvee]

Thank you Armee and Larry

The past week has been interesting though not really great. I feel as if there is a web inside my head, and a pressure at the base of my skull. I'm noticing I'm much more amped up about things, and unsettled. I'm becoming aware that this is probably something to do with the mycotoxins activating my nervous system as the exit my body. Not great, but a new awareness/understanding I guess. I've also had an uncomfortable work call with someone, being reprimanded for something that really had nothing to do with me when they were upset about something else.

Really good talk with T and am thankful that she's been understanding about all of this over the last six years; that I don't have to really explain it. Although, I feel like I do and am still aware, protecting myself, against reactions.

I woke up around 4am the other morning and just felt that it's not my fault. That years of people putting their opinions on my about my weight for example, my m included, and feeling like I had to do something about it, or that it was at the back of my mind about "maybe it is what I'm eating;" and it's not. It's literally nothing to do with not doing "something right or wrong." I feel relief at having something to support that and not having to feel alienated because I don't know what's going on. Again, it just feels so similar, a carry on, of what happened growing up and I can understand why it affects me. It was really easy for my family to blame me for things that happened, without understanding, and they often did. I then in turn blamed myself and why couldn't I just be x or do x.

[Armee]

I relate so much to having been trained to blame yourself and try to fix yourself when you were never the problem. It's really sticky and difficult to get over. It still trips me up. It's a weird protective mechanism...to blame yourself and beat yourself up...instead of the people who are hurting you emotionally. And yet it seems to be an almost necessary approach to surviving life with someone with a PD. 

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I found what you wrote about experiencing the web inside your head, and the pressure at the base of your skull to be interesting.  I experience pressure and pain in the left side of my head, around the eye socket area, and sometimes think I have some kind of tumour inside, but I don't think it's that. 

I hope that you are ok, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

Hope 

[Larry]

hi dolly,   thinking about you....