Not Alone: 2022

[Not Alone]

I would like to amend my previous statement and say that my heart is more protected than it was previously by my H's avoidance. My mind still goes around and around trying to make sense of the relationship.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Not Alone.  I resonate with trying to make sense of a relationship and feeling alone in times of need.

[Armee]

Sending you some gentle care, NotAlone.

[Not Alone]

Thank you Rainy Diary and Armee.



It's been a tough weekend. Physically I'm not feeling well. Added to that is marriage stuff. Yesterday I was overwhelmed by my "to do" list and not feeling well increased those feelings. I was really angry that my H hadn't vacuumed all week. (He is retired and is home.) Besides not feeling well from a cold, vacuuming inflames and hurts my injured arms. I could have asked him to vacuum, but man!! He's an adult and it is clear from the dog fur flying that it needed to be done. So yesterday when he sat reading all day, my anger was boiling.

At some point I started falling down the crevice toward crazy-ville, aka; amygdala hijacking, triggered state, flashback. I took a xanax to try and stop my downward progression. When one (small dose) didn't work, I took another. [This is growth for me; to recognize fairly early that I'm triggered and then to help myself medically and not wait until it is worse.] I ended up sleeping for a few hours in the afternoon.

This afternoon, H brought up an issue from earlier in the week. I don't want to go into all the details, but it all left me feeling frustrated. Dealing with someone who is Avoidant is so difficult. It is crazy-making, but to try and explain to someone is difficult. I do have some in my life who understand. My T understands the dynamics and the damage.

Another frustration is that I'm having to spend a lot of my therapy time dealing with my frustration with my H and needing reassurance that I'm not crazy. My trauma is largely put on hold as issues with H have been pressing in on me.

Thanks for listening.

[rainydiary]

So much resonance and connection with your experience, Not Alone.  I appreciate you sharing about healing being put on hold in order to manage current things going on.  I hope that shifts sometime soon and that you feel better from your cold soon. 

[Not Alone]

Rainy Diary, I know that you struggle with some very similar issues with your H. Although I'm sorry that you have to deal with that, it does help me to know that you understand and to have your support.

I am doing better today. I was glad to be back at work. Last night I felt the comforting presence of Jesus and that was soothing.

I'm struggling with where to spend my time tomorrow in therapy. There is a lot about my H that I need to update T and also to process. At the same time, many of the Littles are needing attention. Last week was the first week in my T's new office. That was upsetting to several of the Littles, but there was not time to talk about it.

I had written some stuff regarding my H. Maybe I'll write out some other parts of that in more detail. If I hand the papers about H to therapist, even if we don't talk about it tomorrow, it will help me to know that he knows and that I'm not alone with it. It can still be talked about in a future session. I need to give that a little more thought.

When I was talking to my T last week about my H, I mentioned how there had been birthdays (more in the earlier years of marriage), when I did not receive a gift from my H. With shock and compassion, he said, "Oh, Not Alone." It was very hurtful at the time. I guess I've gotten a little used to that type of neglect. To my H, it is no big deal. My T's reaction reminded me that it was really hurtful and RIGHTFULLY SO. This weekend when I was at the grocery store I bought myself flowers.

[Bach]

Not Alone, I hope you feel better soon 

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Bach. Head is congested (feels like it's full of cotton) and a headache, but other than that, doing well.

[Armee]

Happy Birthday, Not Alone! You deserve to be honored and celebrated and I am proud of you for giving yourself the love and care you need.

Write it down and give to T and then decide together what is better to work on! I had the same issue when my mom was taking all my therapy bandwidth with her chaos and I couldn't really make progress. It was important to deal with other stuff too.

Big hugs if they feel safe.

[Not Alone]

Thanks, Armee, but it's not my birthday. I bought myself flowers just because. This year I turn the corner on a decade. Don't want to rush that. 

Last night I pasted together a picture, using google images, that illustrated some issues about H. Then I wrote out details. I will bring all that to therapy today. My plan is to give information about H for T to read and then to deal with at a later session. The Littles really need some time with him (therapist).

When I finished writing out stuff about husband last night I felt a bit frozen for a bit. There are so many issues that are highly impactful.

[sanmagic7]

hey, notalone,

so many realizations - sometimes they can have as hard an impact as the issues themselves.  i think your plan for therapy is a very good one.  very wise and mindful.  love and hugs, my dear

[rainydiary]

I appreciate you using the collage to express your insides. 

[Armee]

Sending lots of support to you and your Littles. 

[Not Alone]

Thank you, San, Rainy Diary, and Armee. I did just give the information and collage about husband to T to hold and to talk about another time. Even with doing that, I left my session feeling disconnected. I think partly because I had so many Littles who needed to talk to him (two did), that the time felt rushed. Also, some issues popped up within me that I didn't process or realize until later. I'm so grateful that my T allows me to record my sessions. It helps me so much to process.

Yesterday my phone stopped being able to make or receive phone calls. I'm still able to text. The provider has made changes, which forced me into buying another phone. That is not a minor thing for me $$$$$. I don't get or need the latest and greatest. I spent six hours yesterday trying to get this issue fixed. At some point my anger, maybe even rage, was scary to me. I also feel embarrassed. I finally have a temporary fix, which is costing me more money. Ugh!

I want to process why that was all so upsetting. Any technology issues are upsetting to me. I don't understand so I'm out of control. When I finally (usually after a very long wait) get someone to help, I press buttons and do what they say with no idea of what I am doing or what the outcome will be. Twice yesterday, with two different techs, they suggested that I get another phone. What??!! I bought that phone because their company said it was required. It was not cheap (for me) and I don't have money to throw around. Are you kidding me? Also, not being able to make or receive phone calls is cutting off support, especially my close friend who lives far from me. We talk at least once a week and she understands. Not being able to use my phone makes me feel scared and alone. I still need to contact someone because the fix is temporary. That might have to wait until I feel more emotionally capable.

I am going on a trip next week with a friend. I wish I felt more excited about it. Isn't that what you are supposed to feel about a trip, excited? I'm not dreading it either. It's like there are tall boxes in front of me that need to be unpacked and I can't see the fun or joy in the upcoming trip. The boxes are things to do and events/meetings to attend before leaving on the trip. I have written a list, but I feel overwhelmed. All the phone/technology frustration last night has also reduced my emotional capacity for getting things done. Put simply, the phone issues were triggering and my body system has not regulated yet. I still feel a lot of tension, internal shakiness and feelings of being overwhelmed.

One box at a time. . .

[Not Alone]

Temporary phone fix not so great. I can call out, but not receive calls. I am spiraling.