Sage's Journal

[CactusFlower]

Went over things with my Therapist. She agrees that my avoidance of writing the interaction means my mind isn't ready to work on that just yet. It's been almost a year (like, where has that gone?) in therapy and we kinda took stock. The Nortriptyline does make my baseline mood be a little higher than before. It doesn't prevent the spikes and lows and there are still issues to work on, but my baseline mood is more a middling "meh" than a low "Ugh."

We agreed that since there wasn't any specific memory popping up at this time with my recognizing the pattern of defending against accusations of lying, it most likely was something male parental unit did, but I'm not ready to work on that.

I think I'll make chicken and dumplings today. Comfort food sounds good.

[CactusFlower]

Um... wow. So very happy and grateful. I entered a giveaway at a local grocery store for gift cards, and I just found out that I won! it will be here next Tuesday by Fedex. I wasn't necessarily hurting for food at all, but this will definitely allow me to stock up on some things and fill the freezer. I am kinda blown away, I never expected to win. I gotta do some pantry planning!

[Not Alone]

Um... wow. So very happy and grateful. I entered a giveaway at a local grocery store for gift cards, and I just found out that I won! it will be here next Tuesday by Fedex. I wasn't necessarily hurting for food at all, but this will definitely allow me to stock up on some things and fill the freezer. I am kinda blown away, I never expected to win. I gotta do some pantry planning!

Congratulations!

[CactusFlower]

And another thing to be grateful for - finally got the replacement card for that gift card that didn't work. I looked on Amazon and even with my lists and stuff, again felt overwhelmed.  I didn't use to feel that, maybe I should discuss it with T. It's hard to describe.  Like, I am excited and happy to have the opportunity to shop for wants rather than needs. I even have wish lists on there of things I saw previously and thought, "Oh, I'd like that." But when given X amount of dollars to spend, I have frozen the last few times and it's taken forever to decide what I want. I look at things on my lists or in browsing and kinda think, "Nah, not that right now, it's gotta be something really good." Almost like I'm qualifying things I sorta liked as not quite good enough to actually have? It's weird. I ended up getting several things with the gift card, but you could kinda classify one as a half-want, half-need. I got a toaster to replace the one that died. But it's a want, because of tea and toast being a comfort thing. I've wanted toast quite a bit with nothing to make it unless I want to use a frying pan. No, LOL. I do think I might have to explore the guilt around this. Part of me is getting extremely tired of having guilt/anxiety issues around money. It's exhausting and stressful, and my Fibro doesn't like that either.

[sanmagic7]

i can relate to feeling guilty or not worthy of 'want' things as compared to 'need' things.  i think it takes practice, shouting down the old messages, and just going ahead and getting them anyways.  best with this - it can be a difficult one to overcome.  love and hugs, cactus flower (some of my fav flowers, actually - so bright and cheery).

[CactusFlower]

Had a meeting with my med doc today. Continuing with the Nortriptyline, but adding Prazosin to see if it relieves nightmares.  Supposedly, it's a blood pressure med (so I'll have to be careful with that) that was shown to actually reduce nightmares in soldiers with PTSD. Fascinating how these things can have affects so different than their original intentions. But hey, I'm willing to try.

[Blueberry]

Um... wow. So very happy and grateful. I entered a giveaway at a local grocery store for gift cards, and I just found out that I won! it will be here next Tuesday by Fedex. I wasn't necessarily hurting for food at all, but this will definitely allow me to stock up on some things and fill the freezer. I am kinda blown away, I never expected to win. I gotta do some pantry planning!

Yay!   I'm so happy for you!

[Armee]

Good luck with the new medicine! Rest is so important!

[sanmagic7]

i hope the new medicine is helpful, cactus.  sometimes it can make all the difference.  love and hugs

[CactusFlower]

  Thanks everyone. Today is picking up the new med and then the first store trip to use some of the gift cards. I'm excited and my freezer is ready! I'll definitely be tired later, but it'll be worth it.  Mmmm, conchas y cafecito....

[CactusFlower]

It's true, the trip was exhausting, but we got a really good amount of delicious stuff, and I only spent about $95 this trip. so there will be one or two more trips with the cards, very useful.

Had my first dose of the Prazosin last night. It wasn't a nightmare, but definitely a bizarre dream. I somehow knew the giant snake that was after me in my dream wasn't 'real', and it's totally because I was reading some Harry potter fanfic before bed. But the rest... I was going along crowded city blocks, threading through people and trying to avoid other people. They were dressed normally, but I somehow knew they were some kind of authority that was going to apprehend me. I went to this park that had this large square kind of pond, and I kept stepping in and out of the water around it and hiding behind plants, etc from the people and the snake. Super weird.

The Prazosin is mainly a blood pressure med and the reduction of nightmares is a side benefit, so I have to be careful and monitor my pressure so it doesn't get too low. But when I sat up this morning, there wasn't any dizziness or light-headedness, so that's good. Yes, I'm that person who actually reads the entire printout the pharmacy gives you with your meds. Knowledge is preparedness.

[rainydiary]

Sage, I appreciate that you read the meditation information and consider the impact something is having on you.  I hope that the medication continues to be supportive. 

[CactusFlower]

It's too bad the Prazosin takes a week or two to start working, cause last night was a doozy. 2 major nightmares, waking up multiple times with my heart racing and me panting, a meltdown once I got up... Ugh. Everything hurts and I'm utterly exhausted. Bro took good care of me, so I'm grateful for that. I'll definitely have quite a bit to talk to my T about Monday. At the moment, I'm just trying to get past the congestion and slight headache from crying. I was also apologizing during my meltdown, which is another trauma response I need to look at. I'm not sure which bothers me more: the nightmares and meltdown, or the fact that I know what the symbolism in the nightmares mean and I just don't want to deal with it. it's like, "thank you, brain, I knew that. You didn't have to smack me with it." Well, apparently I did need to notice it or that wouldn't have happened.  I've gotta write down the details of the dreams so I can talk about it Monday. I might nap later, energy is super low.

[Armee]

What a rough night and morning Sage. I wish you safe rest today and that your brain doesn't dish out more than you are ready for.

[Blueberry]

What a rough night and morning Sage. I wish you safe rest today and that your brain doesn't dish out more than you are ready for.

I'm happy for you that Bro took good care of you.