Rainy Diary 2021

[Not Alone]

Glad you made it through family time. I want to say more but my brain is a bit muddled right now.

[Blueberry]

You've had a lot going on, rainydiary. I wish I had the wherewithal to say more but I don't. I'm glad you're back home and have your cat for company (and support?) again.

[Hope67]

Hi Rainydiary,
I'm glad you made it back home safely, and that your trip was ok.  Welcome back home.  You've been dreaming a lot lately, and that's understandable with all that's been going on.

Sending you a hug, if that's ok 
Hope 

[sanmagic7]

way to look on the bright side, rainy.  i'm just sorry the holidays were so fraught with distress, but it sounds like you were able to learn some things that will be helpful for you going forward.  i'm not at all surprised by all those dreams.  your brain had a lot to process while you were away.  love and hugs

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I appreciate the encouragement.  I stand in my own too and am working through that as well.  Thank you for your support.
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Not Alone, I appreciate you checking in and I appreciate your support.
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Blueberry, thank you, I appreciate you checking in.  I am glad to be around my cat again and have her cuddles.
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Hope, I appreciate the comfort you offer.  My dreams have continued although I can't remember them and I think I am struggling with how active my brain is even when I sleep.
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San, I appreciate your support.  My brain is still working things out for sure. 
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I feel on the verge of tears yet haven't allowed myself a really good cry.

I definitely did not care for myself last week as well as I would have liked.

I've noticed that I have dissociated more this week.

I was just reading a bit in one of Pete Walker's books and noticed I was dissociating.

As I asked myself what was going on, the thoughts that came up: I am so disappointed in myself for slipping last week with my parents.  Despite all the growth and awareness I've gained, I fell back into old patterns and stopped caring for myself.  It makes me feel so foolish and ashamed. 

I was really caught off guard by my mother's behavior especially.  Her harm is less noticeable than my dad's but I really noticed it last week.  I think another part of me is also upset that it has been so easy to see and complain about the meanness in my husband's family when there is a lot of meanness in my own.  My mom intentionally ordered something for my grandma that she knows she won't like just to get back at her.  That made me so sick to realize and really see that so obviously.  But then also to not stand up to it. 

I've been feeling really lousy about myself this week especially as a professional.  I am still really hurt by my last job.  I think that eventually I will feel how well I did stand up for myself in leaving but I am still hurt. 

Yesterday I watched a presentation where the presenter talked about transition.  I dissociated during her talk which I found so interesting to happen while watching a recorded presentation.  I almost always dissociate in group mediation type experiences and I tried asking myself why.  I think it may be somewhat about happened when I started uncontrollably crying in a live meditation class I took when people talked about their childhoods.  But I don't really understand this in myself.

During the presentation the presenter asked - "What do you need you to remember most in times of transition?" The answer that came up for me is, "I matter."

[Not Alone]

You do matter, Rainy Diary. 

[paul72]

You sure do matter, Rainy!
I wish you didn't feel disappointed in yourself- I think you are incredibly courageous.
I hope you are extra kind to yourself.. THAT was not an easy thing you went through over Christmas and you did it

[Armee]

You do matter. What you need and want matter. You deserved a better work environment. You deserved a better childhood and better romantic partners. 

[Larry]

i hope you have a sunny day miss rainy

[Blueberry]

You totally matter, rainy!

I wish you didn't feel disappointed about how you acted around your parents. It's really, really hard not to slip back into those old ways of behaving when you're in a stressful situation, and even worse in a stressful situation with FOO mbrs from 'back then' (rather than 2nd cousin twice-removed you never saw). Really, no reason at all to feel ashamed because it's pretty normal for all of us to slip back a bit (or even a lot) in that kind of situation. Recovery: 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Then ime often a huge step forward again after the backwards step. ime and imo there often steps going forward in one aspect and others going backwards or seeming that way. Your realisations and feeling things and wondering about things are steps forward imho. It's really hard to hold everything together at once. Like having a bag of sand with several holes in the sides of the bag - really hard to stop the sand pouring out of at least one of them.

You're doing great, rainy! Really, really great. I'm really impressed what all you have accomplished and continue to accomplish. Not that we should compare ourselves but I tend to a little (oops) and you're one of the mbrs on here where I think "Man! She's doing so much, working so much on stuff, moving forwards with giant steps. Why aren't I more like that? Why am I so lazy in comparison?" The stuff in white isn't helpful for me to think but could be for you to read, rainy.

[sanmagic7]

 

let me add another 'you matter' to the rest of them, rainy.  it may not have felt like it, especially among people in your past, but you're here with us now, and we see you differently.  love and hugs 

[rainydiary]

Not Alone, thank you for this reminder.
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Paul, thank you for the support and perspective.
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Armee, thank you for the support.
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Larry, thank you, I wish you the best in 2022.
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Blueberry, I really feel the white words.  Thank you for sharing that vulnerability-
I admire you and the work you are doing.  I am glad you are in my community.
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San, I appreciate your support and perspective.
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This week has been difficult and I've been unhappy. 

Today had ups and downs and I feel as though I am ending the day on a down. 

I feel out of sync with myself which makes me out of step with my husband.  I have felt out of step with him since his brother died and I began my healing path. 

Even when unhappy I remain hopeful that I will get closer to peace. 

[rainydiary]

After I wrote this, I was able to acknowledge two things to myself that feels important to write.

First this week hasn't been entirely unhappy - I re-read Pride and Prejudice which always brings me joy. 

And also, since my BIL's death and my healing journey started, I have felt incredibly alone.  I have felt alone a lot of my life, but have never acknowledged how much it can hurt. 

I'm reaching a point with the support of this forum and a friend I have who lives in a different state where I need different things in relationships. 

I feel the weight of trying to express this in my daily life.  I continue to struggle with trust and with doing other people's work for them.  I will continue to try.

But it has been very lonely most days and I am saddened by that loneliness.  I appreciate you all being here. 

[Hope67]

   I appreciate you being here as well.   

[Armee]

Sending you lots of company in your journey, Rainy. It was a very full year for you and I agree with Blueberry you have been doing a lot of work. I hope it bears fruit in the new year with some of the peace and understanding you are looking for.

I've found when we do our own work that can be contagious to those around us in a good way. I hope that is true in your relationships.