dollyvee's recovery journal

[Armee]

Hi dolly,

I'm sorry you aren't feeling emotionally safe in your home. I agree with you that your neighbor seems to want everyone to be miserable with her. I like your practice of being like a window. I'm going to adopt that.

[dollyvee]

Thanks Armee - I'm trying not to get hooked into these things and just let it pass through

Neighbour was stomping around at 3am last night. I thought I sounded paranoid before when I was thinking it but I think I can see it's happened enough times now (3+) that it's not coincidence and happens when she's angry. Also trying not to sound paranoid, but she was using the bathroom 10+ times a day which next to my bedroom/office, and I didn't like the idea of people knowing what I'm up to, so I put the radio on at a low volume, checked it with a decibel meter--showed it's the same level as a library/conversation at home--and it makes me think that this started because of that. But I also think I have a right to reasonable activity in my own space. I couldn't hear the radio when I was in the next room with the door closed. (I think this also has to do with my gm and how I felt suffocated - that I didn't have free space to just be).

This is a theme I think, dealing with people like this who are subtle and manipulative. Anyways, it brings up a lot of stuff. I don't know why I just can't stand up and that's it and not have it bother me. I think it's the aggressiveness and anger and it reminds me of my mom and her unpredictable actions towards me. This was also in my dad who used to have outbursts but didn't come after me really like my mom did. He did verbally accuse me of things maybe but not often and also apologized for them after.

Did my first meditation in a while this morning. I don't know why I've been putting it off. Maybe since I started reading about generational connections in trauma I've been feeling more out of it, processing stuff? I went back to the cave I saw in an IFS journey before where I encountered a "bullying" mom part. While I breathing around this memory (difficult to hold and visualize as well) an image of my step father came up and I didn't want to hold it. I think more anger and fear came up. I tried to soften around the image but I didn't want to take it into my body, or felt like I would take it into my body and it would be a part of me? I think a part of me didn't want to feel compassion for the image and maybe  didn't want to let go of the anger and fear towards it, which protected me growing up. I know he had a difficult and abusive childhood where his father was quite cruel to him. I guess that's what he tried to do to me and was jealous of me and any good attention I received.

This is where the part in the MW book It Doesn't Start With You becomes difficult. How can I soften towards this person and still feel safe? He's not my family member, do I have to take this life force in me? Can I reject it? Maybe it's a stand in/or mirror of my mom's actions/ life force that I have face (that these traits are in her as well) and to take them in? That she's not going to be this perfect mom?

There's still a lot coming up in this book that I don't know where to start  I think I've tried to step in with a few family members and see that it was my responsibility to alleviate their pain. Or feel that it was up to me to do that. I think my mom telling me I abandoned her and my gm freaking out with hyperbolic illnesses where we would need/expected to be concerned for her health that she would then not take care of, put me in a position of taking on that responsibility. She would also tell me how I was special etc and kind -- maybe this played into the belief (love I had for her) and wanting to do these things; that this is what you do out of love?

I'm not sure where this came from in my family. I have learned that my great gm was roughly the same age I was when I started getting insomnia in university and not being able to finish things when she gave birth to my gm. This was in 1939 at the start of WWII in Europe where they would have been impacted. I'm not sure how yet as their country wasn't invaded but maybe that fear was there of being imprisoned by others (if you didn't do what they want?)?  My great gm was born in 1917 at the end of WWI and the family was split up in 1920 as a result of one of the treaties. So, maybe there was also a fear of becoming homeless and being imprisoned there as well.

Anyways, long post. I think it's all rattling around in here and just trying to make sense of it.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I am with you on the challenge of dealing with subtle manipulation.  I don't have any a-has but feel this difficulty.

[Snowdrop]

How can I soften towards this person and still feel safe?

I don't know if this is helpful, but I've recently been able to see my HB as someone with a Self who's largely absent, and highly reactive protective parts. As my Self, I can feel compassion, but that does not make what he did to me ok. I'm also aware that it's not my responsibility to heal him, and his burdens are not mine to carry. My responsibility is to keep my own parts safe.

Please ignore this if it's not helpful or relevant.

[Larry]

hi dolly, 

[Armee]

 

Hugs for the difficult stuff coming up.

Hmmm....I'd be tempted to up the volume on that radio but I suppose that wouldn't solve anything. 

You do have a right to low volume noise in your own home.

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy - I commented on your journal today a little about this but I feel having family members go behind our backs probably has something to do with handling people like this and that it can be overwhelming. I've also been reading about passive aggressive behaviour and how people try to get you to act out their anger by behaving in that way. I think it's upsetting on a level because I still have (not that I ever won't??) anger around how I was treated growing up? I don't know though. Also, someone mentioned pa behaviour and needing to set good boundaries. I guess I'm still working on this and gets better when I feel that I deserve these boundaries.

Thanks Snowdrop - Thank you for your insight. It's something to think about. It's even a challenge to imagine that as Self - I'm trying not to go straight into defensive mode when the idea of him comes up. I guess that's something to work on. I don't know if I have the compassion right now. Maybe I'm still invested as I'm still dealing with him and the estate and he continues to be cruel and unfair. Anyways, it's something to think about.

Thanks Larry 

Thanks Armee - I feel the same way but it doesn't seem to sink in. I have to keep reminding my brain/body that I have a right to low level noise in my home and her behaviour is her own reaction. I know if I would go the loud noise route it might just escalate the situation. Some people are unfortunately unreasonable, but I do need to find a way not to take it on.

I think maybe the mediation with my sf has made me a little more disorganized/on edge than normal. I'm forgetting things the past couple days. It's like I have this idea of myself in mind around people--that I have to be nice, that there's a certain way to act--but when people get to close these things go out of the window, or there's anger sometimes that bubbles up. That people can get to me as well because I'm maybe over focused on keeping up the idea of the person I have to be...I don't know.

[dollyvee]

Spoke with t yesterday about neighbour situation. Realizing now that I could see what she was like many months ago after the "packages" incident (where she basically shoved it at me and said you're getting a lot of packages). I think maybe I did see it then but went through a downplaying, minimizing process because I think I've been in so many situations in my life where I've said I feel like...and people have just shrugged it off or told me I was too sensitive or not to worry about it. Meanwhile, I go into full hypervigilance mode and then have to downplay this to people around me or I'll look "crazy" or paranoid.

I can see similarities between not wanting to take this situation on (in?) and the situation with my stepfather. That in both cases I'm dealing with the feelings of I did something wrong and I don't want to have a conversation where I have to be empathetic to them as it leaves me feeling like a doormat/not heard. Maybe it's just because, in my experience, there is no way to have a reasonable conversation with people like this. Also thinking back, I recall my gm saying to me that my sf wasn't so bad and that he's changing, which was then like I had to forgive and forget all the stuff he did just so my gm could have the "family" together.

It also came up that I would feel like I was manipulating her if I tried to have a conversation about what the issue might be. I wasn't quite sure how to explain it, but I think it might be because I don't think there's an issue/ that it would mean I have to soften (yet again) and be the giver to someone who is trying to be selfish and dominate a situation just to have their way. I feel like I'm maybe being stubborn with this but also that I just don't want to be in that position any more. Maybe this is a young part (who I feel is being selfish?) that I haven't met yet? This stuff just gets to a place where it's very difficult to find space and distance with it.

Also, am flying back home in a few days. I've been staying inside and being careful. I just hope I can travel and get away from this situation for a bit.

[Larry]

hi dolly,  sounds like a lot of confusing things going on.  i'm sorry you have to deal with  so many things.  i hope you have a safe trip going home. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks Larry - yeah it's hard to find space to deal with these things but it also feels like a little more clarity which is hopeful 

I'm reading all your posts even if I'm not commenting and am with you guys. It's really helpful to read your journals and see that other people are going through similar things over the holidays. I think for so long it felt like I was the only one, or one of few, not having a good holiday with family.

Going home feels different this time, not like last time. I think I felt off because I had to avoid my family and wasn't going to let my mom off the hook for how she behaved on my previous trip at Christmas and I know my gm would have just glossed over everything. This feels lowkey but don't really have a lot of expectations. Maybe last time I had the image of who i had, or thought I had to be, in place, ignoring the difficult stuff with my family.

[rainydiary]

Best wishes for your trip.  I will be thinking of you.

[Armee]

I'll be thinking of you on your trip home.

[dollyvee]

Thanks you rainy & Armee 

Made it back and have been staying in a hotel the past few days acclimatizing. The plane ride was difficult and felt like I was around a lot of passive aggressive personalities. It's funny that they were all women. I feel like a lot of women carry a lot of judgement for how other women should behave. I feel like I'm happy for someone when I see them as successful, beautiful, etc but I guess I do also carry judgement for whether or not I think they're a nice, genuine person. Anyways, it brought up boundary stuff in me that again, am I doing something wrong by being who I am? I feel like I'm coming from a good place but also know they old saying  that if everyone else is always the problem then maybe the problem isn't everyone else.

My neighbour had her door open as I was leaving as well. Part of me is pretty sure she overheard the conversation about my flight the day before and was keeping a watch for what was going on, or she just heard me moving equipment and was keeping an eye out.

I feel pretty pedantic with this stuff right now. I guess it stops me (or does it?) from just going out and being more spontaneous and open when I think there's going to be consequences for my actions that also take me back to when I was a child. I read something that you have the right to fiercely protect your boundaries.

I found some posts that I felt were really valid:

A lot of unnecessary suffering comes from trying to interact with a reality you wish existed, instead of contending with the one that does. At its root it's avoidance - it's discomfort or fear around facing this reality. 

She discusses how we do this with our self concept but I also feel like it's related to my FOO reality and how I feel about being back at home. I feel like I'm trying to be the more honest person I can be with myself when I'm away.

[Alter-eg0]

Interesting observation. If wonder if women are more prone to be passive aggressive, because as women we are "not allowed" to be "aggressive". Like, set firm boundaries, get angry, anything like that. And thus you learn to get your needs or boundaries met in a more "hidden" way, hence passive aggression.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Alter - I 100% agree with this. I read an interesting article about how anger is frowned upon in meditation circles and something to be gotten rid of. The author wrote that as a POC her anger has also been stigmatized by white, female classmates under the guise of white femininity which was "expressed in violently passive ways in order to preserve a superficial facade of softness and docility." This was the first time I connected with why I felt outside of being "feminine;" that my anger which helped protect me as made me an outsider (not to mention unattractive, ugly etc). It was an interesting read: https://www.buddhistdoor.net/features/acknowledging-anger-and-developing-compassion

Am staying with my gf today and have just woken up in the middle of the night. I danced around posting this last night, that I was over analyzing it, that I'm looking into it too much, how could it really be, that I must be off because he loves me and it wouldn't happen.

My gm has been saying since before she died that she wanted me to have her jewellery. She was going to send it to me in and I told her that we'd deal with it when the time comes. I was looking through photos and my gm's old family letters last night of when she first came to Canada and my gf mentioned something about her Eisenhower silver dollars and I looked them up; some of them could be worth quite a bit. My gm is very careful about her possessions and she kept everything. I think it has something to do with growing up in WWII/coming from a communist country. Anyways, I had been thinking that I would help him while I'm here and clear out some of the stuff since there's so much. Also, that I could help him put it online/ebay since it might get a better price.

So, he went to get the silver dollars but couldn't find them in the closet. I pulled out a couple of the coin boxes and went through them. The coins were all mixed in with all her gold jewellery and old watches. He mentioned before that all the jewellery boxes were on the dresser. It sounded like the women they have help them clean and him (?) went through everything as he said she'll know where they are when they couldn't find them. Maybe this was from before??? Anyways, he said this while I was going through the boxes and said strangely, I'm not trying to hide anything from you. It just seemed like such a strange thing to say - I would have never even thought it. He was saying that your gm wanted you to have the jewellery etc but in my mind it sounded like they had gone through the boxes and none of the expensive gold jewellery was with the boxes he mentioned. I asked him if they had gone through the boxes and he said no, but that closet was completely empty and she knew where they would be? He's also wearing a half ounce gold necklace that he said he found after she passed and how he never wore a ring and the ring she wanted to give him (her grandfather's) always fell off. I never asked him about the necklace.

I'm typing out this last part and know he must have gone through the boxes, saw something he wanted to remind himself of her (or just took what he wanted), which is fine with me, I understand. It's just the lying and the duplicitousness of it that enrages me. This is the crazy-making behaviour of my family. I had to type it out here because I felt like I was spinning out, that something was wrong but I couldn't put my finger on it. The energy was off last night too and he was irritating me. I look at myself rn being the "good" granddaughter, wanting to help because he's got so much to go through and wanting him to actually get a decent return instead of giving it to good will, and I'm like what am I doing? I'm being played again like a clown.

We were also speaking with his nephew on the phone and he was mentioning how he lived with my uncle and that he saw him recently and that he looked much better now that he was on his meds properly (he is diagnosed bipolar) but also all the things that happened when he used to live with my uncle when he wasn't on his meds. He said that my dad was also the nicest of the brothers and was surprised that there was also a sister, my aunt who I said was similar to my dad; that she got her stuff together and struggled to get her accounting certificate but now manages a team of accountants. My gf seemed surprised at this. It felt like there was some narrative in his head about that side of my family (he's a step gf). I'd been feeling like there was some idea in his head about how well his nephew was doing, what a good guy etc (and I do think he's a nice guy and his wife sounds lovely) but that it was compared to me and somehow, I came up short, or that he couldn't acknowledge my success. Maybe my taking a step back from the family hurt him but it's not like they came to a place to understand why I was feeling the way I was. I'm pretty sure I told them why I was hurting. Even after my brother lied and went behind my back, they knew and still invited him over for a bbq because my gm wanted it.

Anyways, this has been really helpful to write this down even if it's a long post. I can somehow see it when it's written down better.