dollyvee's recovery journal

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy  sometimes it feels weird to share this with random, anonymous people on the internet but I'm glad there are people out there like you who get it as so often people irl don't seem to relate.

So, I went rogue yesterday and sent an email to my cousin explaining where I was coming from and explaining what was going on with my family after my m died. It feels like ripping a lid off of all this stuff that is not talked about in my family. I'm noticing how there is a veneer; that we had to pretend about a lot of things. I feel like if she were alive she would be accusing me , or it would have something to do with me interfering in her relationships. Part of me is just like let this stuff go, but I also feel that my brother is acting so out of line that I have to say something.

I also too wonder if there is a trauma in my family about speaking out and being punished for it. My gf told me yesterday that my g gf got in trouble and demoted at work after my gm left her communist country. I also did the core language exercises in the MW It Didn't Start With You book and they were surprising. My worst fear is apparently that I will become homeless and lose all my money; that I couldn't be free and would be "enslaved" to other people. The pictures I'm seeing of refugees right now are really upsetting and I think of my gm as a refugee. People came out and stopped the life boats from rescuing people that might drown this week and it's so disturbing. I can see where core fear might be coming from in my family and how much they had to fight but there are a few more places it could have come from.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, those images you share of refugees are so visceral.  I was watching a documentary recently and they shared about events that are still happening today.  I admire for you for exploring the things you may carry that come from previous generations. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy  this stuff is happening and (not to go on a political rant) the human element is often left out in favour of political bias. Having to deal with people right now who are very adamant about this is upsetting.

Had a good session with T yesterday and discussed all the generational trauma stuff that has been coming up which she seemed really on board with. I feel like it's definitely opening something up. Also talked about my dad a bit and she mentioned again how we never seem to talk about him. I think it was something I couldn't talk about as I didn't like peoples' reactions to suicide. It seemed more about their own distress and imagining what it might be like than about what I was actually feeling. So, I didn't talk about it a lot. There was a lot of emotion w/ T tho and wondering if just keeping it all in and not processing it is still a factor.

Work was challenging. I don't know how to describe it but I find being around people is exhausting right now. Maybe it's a perverbal part that is always worried about attachment working in the background. I can see that.

I also realized that I'm quite rigid work about people listening to me, or that essentially when I'm discussing my POV it's like a part of me is "warning them about danger," or is how the young part sees it I think. That essentially, I'm paid to give my opinion which is the way of "doing it correctly" or with best results for work needed further down the line. I don't know if how I'm presenting it is influencing their reactions to the material itself, but I guess to me it feels like this part that is keeping things safe is not listened to and I am "on my own." Or I am dismissed like I was with my mom? She did that quite a lot, behaved like that she didn't need me, or I guess want me then tell me that you know I love you right. I guess this was her passing her own feelings of rejection and abandonment on. This is how this generational stuff works?

I also listened to a bit of the CPTSD & IFS workshop that Snowdrop mentioned and thought it stood out for me what he said about relational trauma and that our CPTSD can trigger relational trauma in the therapist. I guess too, it can trigger people around us? Maybe this is where being hyperaware of others reactions and thinking, "it's me, I did something," can stem from too? How the original wounding carries on.

[rainydiary]

Dolly, I agree that folks often act as though things just happen and are not reflecting on ways we contribute.  I appreciate your reflections about generational impact.  I am wondering about this too and feeling a lot of pressure to "fix" things I can't fix that are built into our society.  Yesterday I was part of a conversation where someone said something like there comes a point where you realize you can't change something as it is exists so you create what you see is lacking which makes the old thing obsolete. 

[dollyvee]

Thanks rainy, seeing peoples' insensitivity is hard as I think it brings up a lot of stuff in me about not being cared for etc too. I'm wondering if the need to fix things is a projection for what couldn't be fixed for you growing up in order to feel safe? I know a lot of how covid was handled here brought up the feeling of being small again and having out of control people in charge who are not taking care of me. Hmm that's interesting...what was the example they were thinking of?

[rainydiary]

I feel that too Dolly.  If I am reading your entry right, you are asking what the context was of the conversation I was in.  I will answer that and if I misunderstood, here is extra information. 

I was in my yoga training and we've talked a lot about how yoga is this ancient practice from India primarily.  However the way it looks today especially in Western countries is very far from the intent of the practice.  My group was processing how we participate in that and how we could create spaces differently that are more in line with our values. 

[dollyvee]

I think I get you now - cultural appropriation in yoga and how you can't seem to get away from it in the mainstream but it's divergent in that form from its spiritual roots. I can see why you would want to "fix" that. Not sure if it's completely relevant to what you were talking about but I participated in a weekend retreat with Tenzin Wangal Rinpoche a couple months ago and he was discussing attachment and looking at why we're attached to things. He made a really good point of a lot of  the times we're attached to things, there's an "I" in it, or we have a motivation. He mentioned checking covid deaths and worrying about numbers, and said what we're really concerned about it is will it affect me? I know I do this with climate change. Even the refugee stuff I was speaking about - I'm worried about it because it's affecting me emotionally. To me, it's not necessarily good or bad that this is happening, but becomes about an awareness of where it's coming from and why.

[dollyvee]

Have been feeling quite tired after work; being around people right now is taking a lot out of me. Sometimes I feel like I can't communicate to people what I'm going through (and tbf I wouldn't mention it to the wolves at work) so trying to manage my facade but still process these things is tricky.

I was asked to work on a project this week that would essentially be the pinnacle for me, I couldn't do any better than this. This is the offer  anyone would want. I was still in disbelief after I read the offer and honestly thought it couldn't be right. I think they might be going a different way but kept it open if something happens in the future. I immediately thought of everything that could go wrong and what all the people would say about me if it did. Or that they choose someone else because of x about me. Trying to get over those thoughts would be a big hurdle. A friend put me forward for it and I've been having difficulty remembering that there are people who connected to me and who I am who are around me professionally.

Did some sky meditation the other night at sunset and I love the colours. There were no clouds and there were soft purple, pinks and greys in the sky. The ground had a greenish blue touch to it. I tried to connect and it came up how hard I was trying, that these things should be effortless and spontaneous. Right then a black dot sort of floated, flew by. It didn't fly like a moth but seemed too big to be a bumble bee. I think maybe it was a gentle reminder to just float too.

[Snowdrop]

I have parts who get jumpy about new projects too. They sometimes see them as threats, so I have to spend time helping them feel safe again. I hope yours are able to settle down soon.

The sunset you describe sounds beautiful.

[Hope67]

Hi Dollyvee,
I wanted to comment on how I enjoyed reading your description of the sky - with the lovely colours, when you were doing your sky meditation.  The reminder that came to 'just float too' sounds just right. 

The invitation to work on the project at work sounds like a big deal, and I'm glad they chose you for it.  I know and appreciate that you have had many different thoughts and feelings relating to being asked to do it, but I feel happy for you that they chose you. 

Hope 

[rainydiary]

Dolly, best wishes navigating work and energy for interaction.  I appreciate you sharing about the sky meditation - I love looking at the sky and never considered it as meditation.

[dollyvee]

Thank you Snowdrop

Thank you Hope - I'm hoping to be more just floating. I had to break out into a smile when I saw it go by in its meandering way 

Thank you rainy - it's part of the Dzogchen tradition and I find it calming

Feeling a bit spun out after work and process the feelings that came up. Also, spent some time with a friend over the last few days helping him set up something online which was very draining. I essentially ended up doing it for him and don't think he has the capability to do it himself. I think being relied on in this way freaks me out as it's too much like taking on someone else's responsibilities, which I guess it is in  way. I wonder if I've gotten myself into a situation again where I was being "agreeable" but have now ended up feeling like my boundaries are crossed.

[dollyvee]

I wanted to mention a tv show I watched this week called Love Life with Anna Kendrick. Nothing major, but I was bothered by how they portrayed narcissism in it. Her mom is clearly a narcissist yet she goes to therapy and they end up having a heart to heart in a mattress store after Kendrick breaks down that no one ever bought her a mattress. I'm pretty sure I've been the her in the mattress store wondering what I've done that no one has ever been there for me, only for themselves. However, there was no moment of realization and understanding between us. Only perpetual crazy -making behaviour/care-taking that I had to walk away from and deal with on my own.

I like the person Kendrick becomes - strong and self reliant, just doing her thing mistakes and all. It's just the Hollywood-ization of these things that's upsetting. The happy ending that doesn't seem to come? I'm not sure why I'm expecting this? That these were the only examples of happy relationships I saw growing up--what i related to as normal? I also watched the documentary on Anthony Bourdain recently and was pretty stunned to how his friends reacted to his suicide. It was like a part of them was torn away.

[Larry]

thank you dolly,  i needed to hear that last sentence.  i know it affects so many others.  i hope you are having a great day !

[dollyvee]

Thank you Larry

Feel somewhat justified and that am not off my rocker for feeling cautious about my neighbour and her passive-aggressiveness. I came home last night and there was a note in the foyer about sorting a drain out. The flat wasn't specified or the specific issue, but it could be mine, as there was pooling before but I cleaned it out months ago. I spoke with the neighbour downstairs whom I've talked to about the drain before, and who it would be affecting, and she said she didn't leave it and didn't know of any issue. Though afterward she mentioned something about moss in the drain. She also said if there was an issue that she would've knocked on my door.

I told her if anything comes up to let me know and I'll flag it up and try to get it sorted with the building agency. I really want to write back on that note there's no issue and if there is, to be direct or mind your own business - happy holidays! But it feels childish and just drawing out the drama.

Bothers me that the neighbours would be talking behind my back but maybe I'm being paranoid at that point (that the downstairs neighbour said something, and then the upstairs neighbour did something about it). Something is off with this neighbour beside me. Her children don't visit her and she never has anyone over. Maybe it's because of covid, I don't know. I've caught her sweeping her debris under my gate before and was pretty hostile last year when I was getting parcels for work. I wasn't expecting anything or her to take them. I know she's home all day. I would have just taken them and left them at her door, but that's me.

It's strange as yesterday, I was feeling better about the situation and that she could thump around but I wasn't doing anything wrong. And I felt that, that I wasn't doing anything wrong. It brings up something I've discussed with t before that my grandmother said about people being miserable and wanting you to be miserable along with them. It sounds extreme, but things like this happen and it brings me back to that. I'm trying to practice the idea more of being like a window and letting other peoples' emotions pass through you. I guess this is conflict and it brings up a lot of stuff in me about what I might have done wrong, being blamed for and that my safe space at home is not safe which sends me into hypervigilance. Trying to relax and think of good ways to handle this.