Sage's Journal

[rainydiary]

Sage, it sounds like you are puzzling out a lot.  I hope that you continue finding one next step to take. 

[Hope67]

Hi Sage,
I'm hoping that you are able to keep warm and cosy, as you mentioned how chilly it is at night lately. 
Hope 

[CactusFlower]

I finally tried my weighted blanket last night while we watched TV. 2 main things: 1-I love it! 2-I'll have to put a sheet or throw between me and it because those microbeads are COLD, LOL.

Yeah, the blanket has pockets filled with some kind of beads, so it was chilly when I got it out of the bag. I laid down on the couch while we watched Sugar Rush, a baking competition on Netflix. It warmed up pretty quickly. The weight was very strangely comforting. Bro was laughing at my description, but the best way I can describe it is like being cuddled or hugged without having to deal with people. ha ha. He tried it and didn't like, but his loss. I felt very calm and almost dozed off under it. Super relaxing. I'm very grateful to have gotten this item. Also, it's a pretty gold on dark blue print.

[Armee]

It is cold!!!

Glad you love it. I feel like it's the comforting hand of a loving caregiver firmly patting me back down to sleep. Shhhhh. Shhhhh. Ssshhhhh.

[CactusFlower]

Chosen family is so much better for me.

Bro doesn't like apples all that much, but made cinnamon apple muffins because I like them. Also, he surprised me by buying a box of those "Queen Anne" chocolate covered cherries at the store. He remembered that I talked about sharing those with Mom around the holidays as a good memory.  Maybe I'll try talking to my inner child about holidays and see what she says. I still don't have memories of those before about age 6 or 7.

[Larry]

cinnamon apple muffins sound amazing ! 
Hoping you all  have a great day !

[CactusFlower]

Ugh. cruddy stuff lately. Had an EF yesterday and ended up losing an hour and a half just sitting there with my teddy bear and crying. Seeing where my abandonment issues come from explains a lot, but working through them sucks. Also dreamed last night that I was on the bus, headed to see Mom because we both had a couple days off and were gonna go shopping together. I remember calling her and chatting. I didn't want to get up this morning. I wanted to stay in the dream so I could see and hear her again. It's hitting hard this year.

[rainydiary]

I am thinking of you Sage.  That all sounds very heavy. 

[CactusFlower]

Not as bad today, thank goodness. Still feeling a bit down, but it's not unbearable. As for the Nortriptyline, I do have the dizziness, but also not unbearable. More like the "woah, I stood up too fast" kind of thing. I did start crocheting. I'm starting a simple cardigan. I think taking my time (I can only do a little bit at a time or my hands ache) and making myself something comfy and warm will be nice. Bro is still having fun baking. I feel lemon pound cake may be in my immediate future, LOL. I'm also wondering if unpacking (hah) my abandonment issues will help with my collecting addiction. Not as in I'm a hoarder, far from that, but I do tend to find it hard to let go of things even if I don't have a need for them.

My state is also seeing a big surge in COVID cases, so that makes me even less likely to want to go out. Sorry I'm kinda rambling. I'm not really awake yet. Another day of not wanting to get up after certain dreams.

[CactusFlower]

Today is therapy day, so I'll talk to her about the flashback and the abandonment things. It's like... Each little piece that comes up, I still have this feeling that there's a lot more behind it, you know?

Also feeling some anxiety around the upcoming holidays. I heard a news story that said turkeys were more expensive than ever this year AND part of that whole "less supply, blahblah. blame all the shippers" thing. I'm trying to figure out a plan B in case I can't get a turkey in time. Ham? Roast Chicken?  My heart knows no one will care if it's not turkey, but I still feel that residual "I don't dare disappoint people" energy. Ugh.

Bro ended up making a coffee cake instead. I love cinnamon, so it's going fast. If I have it with a cafe de olla, that counts as breakfast, right?

[CactusFlower]

Yesterday was... interesting. I managed to find all the stuff I need, turkey included, at the store. So that reduces a little stress. I don't know if the Nortriptyline is making a big difference, but I wasn't as anxious in traffic quite as much. Only clenched the door handle once when one too many cars went through the yellow light in front of us. But we weren't even close. I swear the grocery store seems to be putting in more and more self-checkouts, I think they only have 5 or 6 regular lanes left. I hate those self-checkouts. I've never gone through one where the computer didn't have some issue that someone had to be called over for. But I was rather pleased with myself. Between sales and the coupons, I saved almost $20 on the receipt. Basically got the turkey and 4 other things for just over the price of the turkey. The cashier was nice too, not too chatty but very friendly. So it was a good excursion.

I'm talking with my BFF about maybe writing my memoirs. How many do you write before it becomes an autobiography? I realize I lived through a lot of interesting things, but there's also a part of me that keeps saying, "Why bother? It's not that interesting. Who would want to read it?" I love writing, but writing about myself hits that Inner Critic that tells me writing about myself is selfish and bragging and boring. Ugh. More to work through.

[Larry]

i hope you have a great day !

[Armee]

I think it would be great for you to write a memoir. Does it work to quiet your inner critic if you write as f you are only writing for yourself?

[CactusFlower]

Mmm, sometimes. I could try pretending I'm just writing this for the heck of it and no one else will actually read it. At least to get a rough draft down.

[CactusFlower]

Not really much to report. I do my meds check-in Weds, not sure what will happen with that. Bro is still baking yummy stuff, we'll be doing dinner at BFF's on Friday, I've been sleeping relatively okay. Sometimes a lack of bad is good enough.