Moving Forwards

[rainydiary]

 

I resonate so much with physical symptoms coming up and then going away as I move forward.  I hope you continue to find steps in the direction you are intending. 

[Armee]

It's full of wisdom to take a break and listen to your body as it was screaming at you about the advocacy group. Give it the time you need. Advocacy groups can be tricky and full of drama. You're doing great listening to yourself and speaking up when the time is right. 

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, good reminder about taking a break from that particular topic. Something I remind others of on here but harder to do for myself.

rainydiary, I now know that I will find those steps! Thanks for reminding me though  
I probably didn't know it yesterday. The EFs plummet me less deep and are getting shorter

Today once again my business neighbour passed on a message from LL. LL sent me an email on Friday, which not so surprisingly did not end up in my inbox, and LL is coming to talk to me. In complete contravention to what both I and the Tenants' Rights Association have repeatedly demanded, for the last time from me just last week after similar information from business neighbour. Today's message is not throwing me for quite such a loop as in previous weeks. My T even said last week that it's OK to be loud versus LL, just not swear at him or call him any bad names. Not that I intended to, which T knew. But it was quite acceptable, necessary even to say something a little worse than "For Pete's sake!" to business neighbour last week but not much worse, LOUDLY. It included the word 'dam' spelled differently   but was pretty mild in the scheme of things.

[Blueberry]

I still think I'm best off escaping to the farm for the afternoon to do some of the work I didn't manage to do yesterday due to psychosomatic aches and pains, and thereby avoiding LL. I have another phone appointment with Tenants' Rights Association tomorrow anyway. Feeling I need to avoid LL because I don't want to have to deal with him is a pain putting it mildly. It's also not fair that I feel hounded where I live AND work. But it is what it is for the moment.

[sanmagic7]

hey, blueberry, sounds like the warrior princess is being given permission to come out and do her thing.  i'm glad of that - you've put up with this crapola for way too long.  good luck with the TRA today - i hope something gets settled for you.  sending love and a hug filled with rights and boundaries.

[Armee]

Uuuuuggghhh the power moves they are trying to play on you just pisses me off!!!! You're doing great being a little louder and standing firm for yourself.

[Blueberry]

Thank you both Armee and san! 

I guess it's all part of my process of learning to stick up for myself and set boundaries. It is pretty exhausting. otoh the threat of LL dropping by enabled me to cycle up to the farm lickety-split. I just grabbed roughly what I needed and got the he-double-hockeysticks out of here. Back home now. No idea if LL came in my absence or not.

[Blueberry]

It turns out LL didn't come. So he is playing games with business neighbour too aka lying. Unfortunately business neighbour still sees me as the black sheep in all this, not LL or himself.

As the toilet hygiene is dropping again, I pointed that out to business neighbour. He had a fit, it got loud on both sides. Now he says he doesn't want my electricity, he's going to throw out his new (second-hand) expensive machine, he's never going to speak to me again (a bit awkward but we've been through these phases before) and he's never going to clean the shared toilet again either, he's just going to let it get dirtier and dirtier. Little does he know that that is something over which I'm allowed to deduct part of the rent, whereas him bullying me about allowing him to share my electricity without my permission and without a written contract in advance is unfortunately not where I can deduct part of the rent.

My business neighbour's life motto seems to be: if I'm nice to you, then you have to do what I want. No way!!!

[Armee]

 


He sounds so very awful and yet you are doing such a darn good job sticking up for yourself in this situation. Good job, BB!

[Blueberry]

Thank you Armee, I really appreciate it! Same as your comments about the advocacy group.

Tomorrow is the day that an afternoon event is taking place, run by our town, where I asked our leader-on-paper and our defacto leader if I would be allowed to go and represent our group. "Wonderful!" and "Thank you for your idea and your dedication" wrote leader-on-paper and then 1-2 days later proceeded to take over, without informing me. It would be normal in this advocacy group to plan together in advance, but apparently not with me. It's not the first time I've been cut from information. I've been in this advocacy group or other town's / countries' advocacy groups on this topic for 40 years. It really means a lot to me, but I just don't have the energy or the wherewithal to tackle this one, now. Nor do I feel I'll be able to work the way I'd like or the way I planned to tomorrow afternoon, so I'm planning on backing out, NOW. ICr is saying stuff about 'childish, petulant' etc but I just feel sad and not capable of standing up for myself tomorrow. If the men always want to be in control and not give me information, then they'll just all have to do all the work as well. I'm not going as uninformed assistant. I don't care much any more, a little bit yes, but I think that's ICr. I mean it's just not worth my while and energy to try and explain this one with a beginning EF.

I really do think if I'd been left to my own devices, I would have been able to do the work tomorrow on my own AND made an important contribution because it would be a useful to the town's women if a woman presented for once. Not all women see it that way, I do get that, but some women do.

[Blueberry]

Done it!
I feel sad but if I can survive without 2 women I thought were very good friends, without the whole of FOO, then I can survive without being involved in this advocacy group, at this level anyway. This year a women's network was set up at a higher level and I'll probably contact them, even if just to say: "Thank you for doing this, I see why we need it."

Yesterday I ate one and a half packets of cookies instead of going to choir practice and today i stayed in bed instead of doing plenty I had intended to do and even wanted to. I haven't even eaten, drunk anything or taken my meds and am in danger of missing the next choir practice. Choir practice seems the least important but probably it would be help me most to get out and do something I enjoy.

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you.   If supportive, here is a

[Armee]

 

Get through this EF. There's an end. But for goodness sake feed yourself and drink something!!! 

I'm sorry the advocacy group sort of shoved you out of the way. Once you're feeling stronger it'll probably be a little clearer how to handle this. But there are probably other great ways to make your contribution.

[Blueberry]

Thanks rainydiary, I saw your hug last night and it was really helpful.

Armee, by not drinking/eating I was back in how-to-show-FOO-my-protest mode - self-harm as the only way. I did drink tea last night and ate some stuff this morning.

Oh sure, I contribute in the advocacy group, but I'm actually planning to withdraw from that. Because I do not like the way I am being treated. I have spoken up about it before and they find excuses for it like difference of opinion though it is NOT a difference of opinion. It's like they don't even notice they're doing anything wrong, they don't even notice they're treating women differently from men, giving men power to make decisions or single-handedly alter decisions that had been reached democratically within the group. So I'm removing myself from the toxicity instead of sticking it out. I tried way too long to get FOO to see their own toxicity and I tried way too long in other groups. It's a step forward that I'm removing myself this early. 

[Armee]

Oh Blueberry! I'm sorry I was so careless in how I worded things here in your journal. I'll need to do better and when I don't have the energy to do better to know when to just offer a supportive hug.

I'm sad you were triggered into not eating or drinking and really happy to hear you were able to eat and drink a little.

The advocacy group sounds exhausting and insulting. I hope you can find another group or way to make your contribution without being harmed or mansplained.