Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

My dermatologist appointment went really well.  The dermatologist was really nice and I didn't feel too awkward with him being a male physician.  Having all of your skin checked by another person is weird and he was way less awkward than the last dermatologist I went to. 

A lot of memories related to medical care and my parents are coming up.  I recently got a blister on my toe from running and at first I thought it was a wart.  When I was a little kid I had a bunch of warts on my toes.  My parents acted like they were super disgusting and their level of stress over these things was so unhelpful.  They acted like it was intolerable for me to have these things on my body.  I had a ton of procedures for them to be removed but nothing worked until I went swimming in the ocean. 

Another instance was when I was a teen and started getting pimples.  My mother freaked out.  She took me to the dermatologist a ton and they gave me stuff that didn't really help.  I remember being at one appointment and another person around my age was there and they made a comment that it didn't seem like my acne was that bad.  I remember saying "See?" to my mom.  She just keep pushing though. 

Another instance with my mom is related to my teeth and interactions with dentists.  I have a rather crowded mouth with an overbite.  My lower teeth especially are a bit crooked.  I remember my younger siblings somehow were able to get braces but I never was.  My mom justified this to me a few years ago that someone told her it wasn't necessary for me.  I don't know if that is true.  My teeth don't give me any functional problems, but I have to be mindful of the dentist I go to as some are ruder to me about my teeth than others. 

I am noticing with my mom that most of the reasons I was taken to the doctor was for appearance related issues.  If I was ever actually sick, we didn't go to the doctor.  The worst sick I ever got was food poisoning and colds, so I am fortunate.  But, all it taught me is that the way I look is messed up and don't listen to your body otherwise. 

As an adult, I have generally gotten an annual wellness exam.  There are years where I didn't when I didn't really have health insurance.  I also got really stressed out when I moved to my current state and they started in on me with my skin and all the moles I have.  I have been trying to face that though.  Last year I found a physician I really trust and I appreciate her.  I am also accepting that it is good to check on my skin each year. 

I'm not sure what to make of all that is coming up.  I suppose it relates to fear and explains a lot of my anxiety around going to receive medical care.  It's funny my parents will tell me I put my head in sand and ignore what is going on.  Related to medical stuff that is what they do.  I don't want to be afraid of my body or of the fact my body will decline. 

Before I go, I just remembered another facet to my siblings.  Yesterday I texted with my brothers and got updates.  My one brother visiting with my parents is visiting as he and his family move to another state.  I didn't realize they were moving.  I guess though that my dad is going to help them...and visit with my other brother (who lives close to where my brother is moving).  I live closest to my parents and they don't visit.  Sometimes my husband and I will drive down for a holiday.  But when we moved out here, my parents did nothing. 

I think my brothers live a life more acceptable to my parents.  Or at least recognizable.  They are married, have kids, and I imagine a lot of the visiting is about the kids.  My sister and I don't have kids.  We have done our own things.  So I guess as adults we are the bad ones.  It's so weird and annoying. 

I need to make dinner and get ready for a yoga training. 

[CactusFlower]

RainyDiary, I'm glad your appointment went well! It's always nice when a provider surprises us by being one we can stand.

What you said about your history kind of resonated with me. The teeth thing in particular. I have a little bit of an overbite and a small crowded mouth as well. I was a military dependent until the age of 11, and let's just say if there are good dentists in the military, I never met them. No one ever recommended braces or cared about my pain tolerance, so I have difficulty going to dentists even today. (military docs back then, for me, weren't much better) I despise dentists that talk down to you and berate you, especially when cruddy insurance means you can't even afford to meet the deductible. So yeah, I'm always reluctant because I feel like they're just going to treat me poorly and be rough. (nitrous oxide also doesn't work on me.) It can be off-putting.

[Not Alone]

I am noticing with my mom that most of the reasons I was taken to the doctor was for appearance related issues.  If I was ever actually sick, we didn't go to the doctor.  The worst sick I ever got was food poisoning and colds, so I am fortunate.  But, all it taught me is that the way I look is messed up and don't listen to your body otherwise. 

This is a very significant and sad realization.

[rainydiary]

CactusFlower - yes, I wonder how much of my care was influenced by being in a military family.  I think healthcare was sort of like "well if you must."  I finally have a dentist I feel ok with - I still get anxious going but they haven't made a big deal out of my mouth.  So I try to be ok.  I notice that I really liked having a mask on all the time because then I didn't have to deal with comments about my teeth or feel self conscious.  I dread the mask coming off. 

Notalone, it is sad.  I didn't really see that connection until today.

After I posted all of this stuff, I cried. I thought about the visit I just had and mostly was crying because of the compassion the physician and the medical assist showed me.  First of all, the medical assistant actually checked on me when she knew I'd been waiting for a while.  She asked if I wanted a blanket because it was cold in the room with just the gown on.  It was really nice of her.

When the doctor came in, he was also compassionate. I realize I struggle with male physicians because I assume they will treat me like a "dumb girl" like my dad always did.  He made me feel safe and comfortable and I was able to share about my experiences without being judged.  He also asked before doing any touching of my body (which I'm sure isn't completely about being trauma informed but I appreciate his seeking consent first).  He was just very relaxed and made me feel heard. 

So I think as sad as I am about what has happened in my past, it is also helpful to notice moments that give me good feelings.   

[Jazzy]

I'm glad to hear you found a doctor that is treating you with respect, Rainydiary. That is so important!

<3 Jazzy

[Blueberry]

I have a dermatologist appointment which I really don't want to go to.  I honestly would rather stay at home as much as possible always.  I struggle with how much more comfortable I feel at home and alone than society deems acceptable.  Some of my desire is to stay in because of trauma but also it is my nature.

I get this rainydiary.
Thanks for putting it out there.

[Libby183]

It's good to hear that you had such a good experience at your medical appointment. The respectful attitude should just be good practice, but is ofter sadly lacking. Other people may not notice or care, but for people like us, I think that a little means so much.

I'm pleased that things went smoothly.

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I agree, it's great to find supportive professionals. 

Blueberry, of course.  Sometimes I dream about moving to a remote place and living on my own.   

Libby, I agree.  I've had so many poor interactions with medical professionals.  I am noticing that this might be part of my trauma given how much of this is also connected to the way my mom pushed me into interactions with medical professionals.  At the same time, I need to try to find care for myself the best I can. 

Today I am overwhelmed.  I also notice anger.  I process things very deeply and a lot has been going on.  I notice I am judging myself for my need to process the way I do. 

My thoughts are bouncing between things I'm learning this summer in trainings, work, my FOO, my husband, my cat.  It is feeling like too much. 

The most forefront right now is again my cat.  She seems to be healing but also is sleeping/resting more than usual.  She is eating and drinking and using her litter box as usual.  I can't tell if she is simply convalescing or not feeling well.  Since her recent vet visits I find I am not trusting my instincts with her as well.  I feel unable to care for her. 

I think underneath the overwhelm and anger is self-criticism.  Even though I am making strides and growth, underneath I still feel deeply flawed with the idea that I am not deserving or worth it.  I often wonder if I will ever not feel this way. 

[BeeKeeper]

I often wonder if I will ever not feel this way.

You will.

Sometimes it sneaks up for a moment or so. Then, it lasts a couple minutes. It takes practice to recognize it, because it's quiet, or at least not the same level of noise that you're used to. It may be you find yourself seeking out moments of peace when before you might have just charged ahead. Be on the look out for strange feelings of self-appreciation. There's a lot you are doing that's kind and good.

[Armadillo]

The most forefront right now is again my cat.  She seems to be healing but also is sleeping/resting more than usual.  She is eating and drinking and using her litter box as usual.  I can't tell if she is simply convalescing or not feeling well.  Since her recent vet visits I find I am not trusting my instincts with her as well.  I feel unable to care for her. 

I think underneath the overwhelm and anger is self-criticism.  Even though I am making strides and growth, underneath I still feel deeply flawed with the idea that I am not deserving or worth it.  I often wonder if I will ever not feel this way.

It's scary to not have control over the wellbeing of someone or somecat we care about. 

I think you'll find peace one day and be happy with yourself and confident you are deserving and worth it.  It feels impossible often but sometimes these little cracks in the self doubt and downright self hatred can grow to the point of shattering these awful thoughts we have about ourselves.

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper & Armadillo, I appreciate the reminders to notice when it feels good and hopefully that will extend into longer and longer times. 

Today has not felt good in any way.  My husband and I are not attuned at all.  Last week he wanted to talk a lot more.  Of course he wanted to talk about work, but sometimes I have to take whatever it is he willing to initiate.  This week I seem to be irritating him.  I try to share what I need but it ends in me crying and him walking away. 

My cat seems to be feeling ok.  Her paw continues to look a little inflamed.  Not as bad as it did.  I will keep an eye on it but may need to take her to the vet again.  I dread the thought of this. 

I think today a lot of pain is around money.  We are fortunate and have enough money for our needs.  I feel a ton of guilt still with money.  Today I bought a new computer because my old one was not working well and computers are important tools.  My husband makes comments and I hear the voices of my parents commenting in my head.  And then I think about the amount of money I've spent on my cat's care this month.  It makes me not enjoy anything I buy.  I think that is why I get so many massages.  I don't feel guilty for that because it helps me.  My husband has been really rude to me about the cost of the massages.  Without his income, I definitely would need to make some lifestyle changes.  But that isn't necessary right now. 

It's annoying because he spends money however he wants with no question from me.  The only time I sometimes will question him is when he seems to feel it necessary to spend a ton of money for his parents.  His parents seem to think that his income is somehow theirs too.  I know that a lot of his money issues come from them.  But it is so annoying.  I work hard and can spend my money in the way I see fit.  I am trying to be more mindful of my spending - tons of new clothes don't ever make me feel better. 

I will keep finding my way through this day. 

[rainydiary]

I tried to take some time for myself.  I have found listening to music, especially songs from the past, to be comforting.  I listened to music for a while and decided to make a new recipe for dinner.  We'll see how the recipe turns out.  Trying to cook new things can super triggering for me.  I do my best but I'm not a particularly careful or "good" cook so things turn out the way they turn out.  My husband can be hard on me for that.  His mom is a rather indifferent chef and she makes some of the most disgusting food.  I think I trigger my husband sometimes with that.  I don't think I'm as bad as his mom when cooking (at least I hope not).

I did check in with my husband which helped some.  I brought up something I had wanted to say to him like a week ago but didn't.  I reminded him of the email he got from his mom saying he should move home.  I told him I'm glad he told me and I hope he will share stuff like that with me.  I also voiced that I think it is not cool of his mom to do that.  She makes it seem like it is not ok for us to live where we want to live.  His enmeshed brain immediately jumps to defending her and how "that isn't what she means."  I put it out there and we moved on. 

My cat also is sitting on my lap.  Some of my stress is that she hasn't been as cuddly with me as she usually is.  She hasn't seemed distressed like she did the weekend I took her to the emergency vet.  I'm trying to give her space to do what she needs to.  Her foot/paw doesn't look normal and I can't tell if it is healing or getting worse.  She doesn't seem to be over licking or anything so maybe it is healing (I hope).  If not, I'll call her vet and get her in.  It makes me feel a bit better she is returning to normal activities. 

[rainydiary]

I am noticing feelings and thoughts today that I'm not sure what to make of them.  I have seen others here commenting on trying to find the right words.  I continue to step into places where I don't have the vocabulary to talk about my experience.

This morning I went swimming for the first time in a year and a half.  I love swimming and being in and around water.  I also have a lot of pain and trauma related to swimming as my parents were extremely harsh with me when I swam competitively as a child/teenager.  There was a period of time where I refused to go to swimming because I face a lot of my triggers there.  My husband also doesn't like swimming and I can't share that experience with him.  As an adult I try to go and enjoy.  I did enjoy my swim today although it was challenging.  I hope to go more regularly. 

I also decided to schedule an appointment with my cat's regular vet.  She seems to be doing better but her paw is still swollen.  I am curious if there is an underlying cause and if there is, my avoiding it won't change it.  The visit isn't for a few weeks and in the meantime I will try a home remedy that the emergency vet told I could try.  I don't want to go back to the emergency vet unless absolutely necessary. 

I have been avoiding a certain phone call for almost 3 years now.  I have some retirement savings accounts from a previous job with an institution that I don't want to be a part of anymore.  I want to roll those accounts over into my main accounts with my preferred institution.  I have been avoiding this rollover because the undesired institution makes this so difficult.  They have no online option (as many places do these days) and I am forced to call.  I am already feel bullied by this company and the thought of taking this step has put me off of it for years. 

I feel myself getting closer to wanting to just get it over with.  I am hoping to call tomorrow.  I hope at the very least to make that call before I return to work in August. 

[laurels]

Hey rainydiary,
I'm sorry about your complicated history arout something you love so much. Water can be so soothing, I hope you continue to take steps to be able to simply enjoy it again.

As for the phone call - best of luck. Are you someone to just grit your teeth and go for a difficult task? I find I feel more calm and confident when I do a little build-up - some very simple tasks and accomplishments just before the Big One. I find it interesting to see how others approach challenges. However/whenever you do it, it will soon be over and you'll be able to enjoy forgetting about it.

[rainydiary]

Thanks Laurels - for the phone call, I have listed out information I know I will need.  I think the hard part for me is the actual conversation.  Will they ask me questions I can't answer?  Will I freeze up or figure to out?  I think I am as ready as I can be.  Also, it is my money.  They have to give it to me. 

Between my last post and now a very annoying thing just happened.  I (along with two other colleagues) got a text from the colleague I struggle the most with.  The text was saying she wants to talk about the schedule she has drafted. 

I am noticing that just seeing her name triggered me.  My heart is beating so fast.  I notice I want to run.  I am doing a training on Zoom so can't physically move much as I don't want to miss the content. 

This text is unwelcome because it is from her.  But also, it is June.  We have like 5 more weeks of break.  I resent getting this message. 

I texted back that it is too early.  She responded back not accepting that boundary.  I repeated that it is too early.  She finally just accepted the boundary kind of.  I know her well enough to know her response is pissy and that she will probably "tell" on me.  She uses nice words but the intention behind them is not nice. 

This was my first test.  I stood up for myself with her.  It will be harder in person but the ice is broken.