Rainy Diary 2021

[rainydiary]

BeeKeeper, I appreciate these words.  They warmed my heart.   

My husband and I ended up going on our hike.  Most of the time I was deeply worried about leaving my cat, but tried to enjoy the hike.  It was a beautiful time and we both were able to compromise on our limits and plans to address those limits. 

When I got home, my cat was in the spot where I left her.  She seemed more calm and I stayed with her for a while.  I finally found that she would eat a bit and drink some from a plate.  I keep making the mistake of letting her come upstairs which seems to really set her off.  She got into a panic coming up the stairs and I took her back downstairs.  She is "resting" downstairs.  I guess she has found the spot she intends to lay in for several hours. 

I feel overwhelmed by things coming up this week.  I hope to feel more rested this week.  I haven't slept well for several nights. 

[rainydiary]

Last night didn't end up being as restful as I had hoped.  My cat peed on my bed right after I'd fallen asleep.  I think I noticed it quick enough and was able to clean up before it soaked into the mattress too badly. 

She is so upset and won't really eat or drink much without my help.  She also won't use the litter box.  The cone is really throwing her off.  I am going to buy some pads later to put on the ground.  I'm not upset about her peeing on my bed - I understand and hope that the pads will help.  I'm sure she needs to poop too.  I called the vet today to see if I can get some wet food because I think she might be more willing to eat that. 

I'm currently at my physician appointment.  We'll see how it goes. 

[Jazzy]

Hi RainyDiary

I'm sorry to hear you didn't get the rest you hoped for yet. Your cat sounds so stressed out, it is painful to read! We all know about stress, and it's so sad that the cat is going through that too.

However she is very lucky to have you for her mother. You clearly have the experience, compassion, and care to look after her as best as possible. For example, so many people would be angry about the pee on the bed, but not you! It's so great that you understand and care! 

It's also great you are looking for ways to make it easier for her to eat, which is vital. I wonder if there are any other options available like some drops to put in her water? The reason I mention this is because I have had difficulty with my own cat, Tiger, eating recently.

She has always been an extremely picky eater. I thought it was because she was abused and neglected by her previous owner, but there may be more to it. I always thought wet food is nicer, because I wouldn't want to eat dry food all day. However Tiger likes the dry food much more.

I compared the two types of food in an attempt to understand why this is, and if it is a healthy choice for her or not. Much to my surprise, I found that the dry food had triple the amount of nutrients in it than the wet food did!

My babies will certainly be getting dry food from now on, and I'm very proud of Tiger that she was able to realize the difference in the types of food!

I hope that you're able to find a great option to take care of your cat. I'm sure you will.

Jazzy <3

[rainydiary]

Jazzy, I appreciate your words of support and ideas.  It made me feel connected and I am glad you shared.  I did find that giving her some wet food helped a bit (my cat generally prefers dry food too but when she is not well the wet food is a helpful thing).  I didn't realize that about the nutrient difference.  I believe my cat is a trauma survivor too and definitely gets stressed in a way vets or others don't understand. 

What I ended up doing after crying and watching my cat suffer for 2 days is take the cone off.  She is not going to heal if she is in constant flight mode.  Her foot is already looking better and I am doing my best to disrupt her licking her paw which isn't much.  She mostly just wanted to clean herself, go to the bathroom, and sleep.  She is already doing much better as she is eating and drinking and resting more peacefully.  Given that she now has kidney concerns, I don't want her missing meals and water and I know that if she had to keep wearing that cone she would continue to be hypervigilant and not care for herself.  I have known her for 8 years and am trying my best to honor what the vet said with the reality of how she is.  I will give her the medicine and help her rest as much as she can while her paw heals. 

My doctor visit went ok today.  I like the physician I go to now.  She and a lot of folks here get concerned about my risk for skin cancer.  It is real and I don't want to harm myself.  I do the best I can, but it is tough to always get it right.  I made an appointment with a dermatologist next week for a check up.  Me a year ago would have waited to set up an appointment.  I decided to just get it done.  That way I will be on break if I need to do anything else. 

I am also hyper aware that this week I will be meeting with the principal for a check in about the conversation I had with colleagues on my last day of work.  I have been getting increasingly anxious.  I am mostly anxious I won't be heard.  I also tend to be really reflective and deep and want to go deep in conversation with others.  I have met very few people that can tolerate this or go there with me.  I am going to make a plan of that I hope to communicate in this meeting and to keep it as simple, factual, truthful, and focused on an outcome I hope for as I can. 

I am also really mad at several of my colleagues.  I honestly can't imagine how to move forward in my interactions with them.  I think the same approach I hope to take with the principal.  Part of me wants to say things to make them feel bad.  But I don't think more harm is the answer because it will harm me too. 

I am exhausted but have a yoga training tonight.  I look forward to attending as I learn a great deal.  I don't have any commitments tomorrow, so hopefully I can rest better tonight and wake up more refreshed than I feel. 

[rainydiary]

I am quite worn out today and feel off.  I slept through the night last night for the first time in about a week.  I ended up having weird dreams.  I can't remember exactly what the dreams were but I remember feeling the longing for connection.  That is what a lot of my dreams are about. 

My mom texted me today to ask about my cat.  I feel like her responses to my handling of my situation were judgmental.  I get hurt by her comments because she is trying to be cool but isn't.  She has no room to judge me in how I handle my pet.  My cat seems to be feeling better.  Her paw is looking a lot better.

Each day I am still trying to navigate time and space with my husband.  He just left for a walk and didn't ask me to go along.  We certainly have had a codependent relationship in the past and I think this might be a good thing that he branching out more.  But it is scary for me still.  I hate feeling like we keep each other stuck but also am afraid that as he finds his own way in the world I will not be what he wants in the long run.  I have no evidence that is the case, just a very disorganized attachment. 

I am often reminded by others that I am more reflective and think through things more than others.  I don't ever really know what to say to that as I can't always tell if that is being given as a compliment or a criticism.  I don't know how else to be.  But this way of being does make me feel separate which is probably why I dream about connection. 

[Blueberry]

It's good to hear your cat's doing better 

[rainydiary]

Thanks Blueberry.  Her paw keeps looking better. I'm hoping we won't need to go to the vet for a while. 

I am starting to feel incredibly anxious.  I have a meeting tomorrow with the principal of the school.  I emailed her today to confirm the appointment and she mentioned that another person will be joining us.  I had a meeting planned with this other person in a few weeks, but it is a bit triggering.  I suppose I am glad I emailed and was given forewarning that she will be there.  I emailed both of them to say what I hope to discuss.

I have a lot going through my mind:

- am I doing a bad job?
- will I be able to effectively communicate my perspective with these folks?
- will they listen to my perspective?
- should I disclose my CPTSD with these folks?
- am I in trouble?
- why am I the only one being treated like I have done something wrong?
- what of this is a trauma response?
- how can I prevent this in the future?
- what will happen if I start speaking up more?
- will I be under a microscope this year?
- what have I done to deserve this?
- will I be strong enough to endure this?
- will I finish my run in time for the meeting?
- will I have time to meditate or ground before the meeting?
- why am I giving this so much thought when no one else is?
- what will I do when they insist on me doing things I have expressed I don't want to do?

I asked for this meeting because I want to feel less bad at work.  I'm not sure this meeting is going to help.  I am bringing in baggage of my life experiences.  I hope to stay as present as I can in the meeting.  I accept that I have things I can grow in and adjust (because I am human), but my experiences at work are that this type of situation is handled in such a punitive way.  I don't like feeling like I have been "bad."  My perspective is that others have contributed to this dynamic and are shifting blame to me.  I don't want to go down for their nastiness. 

I will do my best to take care tonight.  At least the meeting is relatively early so I won't have to obsess.

[rainydiary]

I notice that as I prepare for bed, my brain is trying to work itself up.

I have thoughts at my meeting constantly in my mind.  Then my mind is jumping to thoughts about my in-laws. Then to my co-workers that I feel steamrolled by.  Then to my husband who has been working for over 12 hours today.  Then to my parents for not giving me what I needed.

All of these things are difficult.  My brain wants to protect me from the pain of having a difficult conversation though.  I initiated the meeting I am having tomorrow.  I am terrified they are going to say more things I don't like that hurt me.  Yet, I think that if I had not asked for this meeting, nothing would have been said to me.  So, my mind is trying to protect me in ways that aren't helpful. 

I deserve to take space tomorrow.  I am imagining how the conversation will go so that I am ready with to say.  I am proud of myself for taking this step.  We'll see how it goes. 

[Armadillo]

I'll be thinking of you tomorrow as you go through this meeting, standing up for Rainy. Speaking up for her. It's really courageous and loving to yourself that you are doing this.

[BeeKeeper]

Hi rainy,

I noticed this:

I am often reminded by others that I am more reflective and think through things more than others.  I don't ever really know what to say to that as I can't always tell if that is being given as a compliment or a criticism.

I hear this as well and have always taken it as a criticism. There's been shift lately and I see that the people who say this are perhaps telling me they either can't understand my points, or don't want to. IMO, the people who do think the same way you do and appreciate your qualities would not put it this way., but rather would comment on specific ideas or thoughts.

This is a tough week for you. I can relate. No doubt your meeting has brought some things to light, or at least you now have more information than you did before. When I need to comb through a difficult conversation for tidbits, insights, I now look for commonalities first, and differences second. A lot of things you probably already knew or were aware of. For the things you weren't, then it has ties to known or unknown issues. Hold onto the thought that you deserve respect and honesty, since that is the behavior you are providing as an example. Each day allows a little bit more understanding than the one before.

[rainydiary]

Armadillo, I appreciate your support today.  I felt it!

BeeKeeper, I appreciate your insights and the encouragement to hold on to my right to respect and honesty. 

I slept poorly toward the end of the night.  I woke up very early.  My husband did too.  He is going through his own advocacy stuff at work.  This worked ok as I needed time for my run before the meeting. 

I was nervous but I did my best to feel my strength.  My body was definitely giving me signs of nerves.  I decided to hold my head as high as I could. 

The meeting went so much better than I imagined it would.  Both people listened to me and didn't interrupt.  I had enough time to speak and share honestly about all the things that were bothering me.  I got it all out.  They said they wanted to hear it. 

The feedback I got is that I am doing as well as I can.  They helped me see that from their perspective what is going on is a system problem.   They are going to help set some expectations on our team.  I'm glad I spoke up because they weren't aware of the things I was told by my colleagues and they did not agree with what I was told.  They agreed that it seemed like my colleagues were trying to control me. 

I did share about my trauma history because it felt important to share.  They acknowledged that and said they appreciated me sharing.  I also asked about my workspace and the principal showed me a spot that she will turn into an office for me.  I promised that I would not isolate myself. 

I had a lot of adrenaline after the meeting.  And now I am feeling a bit vulnerable.  In the long run I think this will be the start of something good and of me speaking up for myself. 

[Not Alone]

Rainydiary, I am so, so proud of you. Also, really glad that your meeting went well. Even if it hadn't, your courage in setting up the meeting and in speaking up is commendable.

                              

Also, I think it was good that you honored your instincts and took the cone off of your cat. You knew what she needed.

Good job setting up the appointment with the dermatologist right away. I tend to put doctor appointments off, also.

[Jazzy]

This sounds so wonderful, Rainydiary!

You took a risk, and it paid off big time! That's great! As notalone said, your courage is commendable.

I think it's natural to feel vulnerable after all of that. I hope you take the time you need to feel better and reflect on the positive outcome.

Jazzy <3

[Armadillo]

Aw I want to give you a HUGE hug right now! You were both strong and vulnerable. This is really great news both on the work front and on the personal recovery front.  and 

[Libby183]

Getting through the work meeting, and making yourself heard, sounds like such an achievement, Rainy Diary. I like that you shared your trauma, they listened and responded with a solution. A good result, by the sounds of it.