#7 - breaking though

[Snowdrop]

Wow, this is stunning work San! And so much of what you say resonates with me too. Well done!

[sanmagic7]

thanks, snowdrop!   

i forgot to add more realizations to this session.  it showed me what i've been an overachiever all my life, why being perfect was the only way to be, and most of all, that even being perfect wasn't good enough.  i have had to continually strive to be more than perfect, because being perfect wasn't enough.  feeling/being nothing when not being perfect?  my brain can now know that it's impossible, but it was blasted into my 10-yr. old mind that it was imperative! so, that's how i've spent my entire life, accomplishing all kinds of things, living here, there, everywhere in order to learn, learn, learn.  probably so that when questions come up i will have the perfect answer.  i know i strive for that here on the forum, which is hard to admit. 

ugh!  that was really hard to admit!  but, it's true.  and when sometone else comes up with something that resonates more deeply w/ a person, i feel like i've failed cuz i didn't give the more than perfect response.  wow!  far-reaching implications for this.  ok, time to rest.

[Blueberry]

even being perfect wasn't good enough.  i have had to continually strive to be more than perfect, because being perfect wasn't enough.  feeling/being nothing when not being perfect?  my brain can now know that it's impossible, but it was blasted into my 10-yr. old mind that it was imperative! ...  probably so that when questions come up i will have the perfect answer.  i know i strive for that here on the forum, which is hard to admit. 

...and when sometone else comes up with something that resonates more deeply w/ a person, i feel like i've failed cuz i didn't give the more than perfect response.   

Same here with most of that (Idk how old I was when it started and I've managed to put some of it in the past, those are the only differences)  for these realisations, they aren't easy to deal with or to admit so kudos to you for doing so! A safe for 10 y.o. you if she likes.

[Not Alone]

Wow, San. Wow. Much love to 10-year-old, 27-year-old, and all of you. 

[sanmagic7]

blueberry and notalone, i don't have enough words and feelings for your kindness and caring.  thank you both 

the other side of what you both wrote got me stuck, tho.  not thru anything you did - i know that was from your heart.  it was the idea of the 10-yr. old version of myself receiving hugs.  when i read that, i didn't know what to do with it.  my 10-yr. old self didn't and wouldn't know what to do with it.  i thought about being 10 and receiving hugs from someone, and all i felt were confusion and fear. i don't think, when i was 10, that i got hugged.  so, for the past few days, when this came to mind, i just felt stuck, like i couldn't move.

i know a lot of people here are talking about their 'parts', and they have various ages and such.  i just saw this memory and i happened to be 10 when it happened.  it didn't feel like a 'part' the way others talk about them.  this was just something that happened at that age, and impacted me in a profound way.  maybe i'm not as evolved as the rest of you dealing w/ this, maybe i don't understand it in the same way, i don't know.  it just froze me.

i pushed myself to write this cuz i really wanted to run away from it, kind of ignore it, pretend it didn't mean anything to me, and go on.  but, i decided to be honest about it, for what reason i don't even know.  i still don't know what to do with it.  same thing for the 27-yr. old version of me.  that was an image of my spirit, which does reside in me, is the essence of me, actually, but i don't see it as a 'part', either.   i don't know - i'm very confused. 

i do know my spirit is what has helped me to literally survive those times when i didn't want to, or didn't think i could.  my spirit is indomitable. but i never thought of it as separate from me, just like i don't think of my personality as separate from me. it's just who i am.  yeah, i'm not understanding any of this.  i'll leave it there and go on next time.

[Not Alone]

i just saw this memory and i happened to be 10 when it happened.  it didn't feel like a 'part' the way others talk about them.  this was just something that happened at that age, and impacted me in a profound way.  maybe i'm not as evolved as the rest of you dealing w/ this, maybe i don't understand it in the same way, i don't know.  it just froze me.

You know yourself. The way you understand yourself is what is important. My understanding is that everyone has parts. Someone might say, "part of me wants to read a book and part of me wants to watch a movie." For me, my parts are extreme (DID); many have names and there is a system. For you the 10-year-old version (& 27) don't seem that separate. That's you and that's okay.

My therapist would say to be aware/curious about your thoughts and feelings about this. (Frankly, that seems hard to do when I feel upset.) Listen to yourself, San. And breathe. 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, notalone.  beautiful insight.

i talked to my t about it yesterday (it turned out to be quite a rough session) and she said it may be one of 2 things in her mind - either i'm more integrated than i know, or the parts are there and i'm just not aware of them yet.  she told me that the fear i felt leads her to believe it's more of the second observation.  i guess we'll see as i get farther into therapy.

mother's day was difficult for me, as always.  my D2 made it such an amazing day that i felt loved and cherished as a mom.  unfortunately, tiny pinpoints of D1 would creep in, and i'd push them down cuz i never want to take anything away from D2 again.  after she went to bed, tho, D1 came to mind full force, and it was difficult to deal with that.  i told me t, we're going to work on D1 on friday.  scares me, cuz i'm afraid of dismissing her fully, which i've never wanted to do.

there are so many issues around my D1, but we're going to target the pain.  so very much pain, and on 2 levels - the pain of how she treated me, and how our relationship ended up (NC), and the pain of how much she's gone thru in her life - mother's pain for her kid.  so, it will be intense, but it's got to be done. 

yesterday's session was intense as well,  very rough.  i've been continually getting slammed, again, by ex husbands (more than one this time), the mother's day stuff, anxiety before bed, 4-5 hrs. of sleep a nite - thank god i can nap during the day.  i was so weary just telling her about it all, and i got quite dark about how my d is keeping me alive.  she really does keep me active and feeling worthwhile, and i don't want to imagine what might happen if something happened to her.  so, i won't. 

i will be grateful that i'm alive today, can help her out, can write on my second book.  i'm ok today.

[Not Alone]

 

[sanmagic7]

thank you, notalone, for that wonderful hug.  it means so much.

i just wrote that we're doing a great job just by still being here, and a pang hit me about how very true that is for me.  that darkness has surrounded me too many times, but my spirit has somehow always helped me get back up one more time and keep going.  so, make it thru today - that's my goal right now. 

i can feel the nervousness inside because i'll be tackling work with my D1 tomorrow w/ my t.  there will be a lot of tears, a lot of pain.  i can already foresee it, and i don't know what the result will be.  except that i will be exhausted.  so, i'm going to do as much work on my book today cuz tomorrow i'll have no energy for that level of concentration.

we just heard yesterday that the farmers market will be open next month. my d and i both have books to seel there, they'll have a lot of precautions in place, and we just have to finalize our logistics as far as putting a sample book out for people to touch, lots of hand sanitizer, how to accept money (we'll wash and dry it when we get home).  they're going to have one-way traffic and hand cleaning places here and there, and everyone will be required to wear masks.

i can only hope and pray that it will be enough.  it's a source of income we were counting on cuz the virus has cut down on my d's clients, altho she has sold more books so far this year.  i guess people have gotten back to reading while they're staying at home.  at least it's outdoors, and we'll be sitting behind tables, so that will help keep enough distance between us and customers.  looking forward to it, tho.  it was fun last year.

in the meantime, one day to the next. 

[Blueberry]

  That sounds a really positive step - selling your books at the farmers market.

[sanmagic7]

thank you blueberry, we're looking forward to it.

i'm in deep mourning right now for D1.  can't write about it yet, but not in a good place.

[Blueberry]

 

[sanmagic7]

all your hugs felt so warm and appreciated, blueberry.  thank you

i dove into the relationship with D1 on fri. my t agreed she had a personality disorder, that my ex helped her become as narc as possible starting just after she learned to walk, so, before she was 2, by 4 she was glaring at me in anger and judgment (most likely because i had D2 when she was 3 1/2, thereby taking some of my attention away from her), and was absolutely shocked that no one had ever diagnosed her as having a PD - she'd been in therapy since she was 7.  at one point, a shrink decided she had an adolescent adjustment disorder, at which my t laughed in sheer disbelief.

i can't write more now.

[Not Alone]

So sad.

[sanmagic7]

yes, notalone, it's horribly sad.

having said that, i am very unstable at the moment, just keeping my head above water, and then my ex bff emailed me.  i wrote about our split when it happened over 3 yrs. ago, and the consensus of opinion here and from others were that she had indeed betrayed me, broken my trust, and she told me if i was waiting for an apology, i'd be waiting for a long time.

so, last year, she went thru my hub trying to find out how to get in touch w/ me.  he told me about it, she reached out to him again, he told her i'd moved back to the states, she told him she was hurt that i hadn't told her.  i finally wrote her an email saying there was too much damage done, and if someone died, my condolences.

now she's popped up 3 days ago, telling me how much she misses me, what a strong friendship we had, that she wanted me to call her 'call me, san' were her words, and she was sorry but 'you must know i never meant to hurt you'.  i went into a full-blown anxiety attack, cried for 20 min., left a message w/ my t, talked to my hub, who knows her well, and to my d, both of whom said i didn't have to respond.  i did respond, telling her about my response to hearing from her.  she'd also written 'we can fix this', and i told her i wasn't capable of 'fixing' anything.  also that i wasn't comfortable talking to her cuz i'm scared of who she was and i don't know who she is now.

i'm getting disturbed again as i write this.  so, today's email, which i asked my d to read first, apologized again, told me what she is doing, still going to therapy, lives with a man she loves (man issues were big when we were together - she frequently said she hated couple, oh, except for me and my hub, but when ever we'd show any pda, she'd roll her eyes or make some snarky noise.

she's also an artist, said she made a piece for me and would like to send it to me, suggested we write letters to each other like we used to, would love to hear my voice on the phone, misses me cuz i was her best friend, but will respect my wishes if i don't want to talk to her.  will also respect my wishes if i don't want to follow up on this relationship, but added something about that being ok, but gave me the impression that it really would not be cuz it's not what she wants.

i'm all at sixes and sevens, so very disturbed inside, my guts are roiling, and she's on my mind now all the time if i'm not distracted in some way.  i guess i want to tell her that i'm not capable of dealing with this right now, that if i'm ever in a place to do so i'd let her know.  does she sound pushy to anyone?  that's how it feels to me.  and, she gave the reason for how she was before was because she was angry and hurt.  however, i wasn't the one who did anything hurtful to her, and her anger was at other things. 

i'm upset enough dealing with my D1 stuff, which was only slightly settling down.  i don't need drama nor pushiness in my life right now.  opinions, suggestion, advice are all welcome.  this has overwhelmed me, tho, and i want to get rid of it.  i want the past to stop coming at me and slapping me in the face every time it feels like i'm making some progress and getting rid of what's been negative in my life.  i've been on xanax all day just to stop my body from vibrating.  this is no way to live!