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Another day down. Today was surprisingly good. R and I had back to back doctor's appointments an hour away from where we live. Typically, I get very anxious when I run into a situation where I am doing something for myself, my wife or kids during working hours. There was some degree of anxiety but no where close to what I typically experience. I was able to hold the meetings I needed to on the road and take care of critical items before my appointment. I suppose that helped. I guess I can add this to the victory box? I'm not sure if it will be a long term victory but the Buddy of old would have been extremely anxious (the anxiety that feels like it takes years off my life) for doing something for myself during working hours. I can't say things are perfect. The perfectionism is definitely there, I am still constantly preoccupied by work and tempted to be perfect at everything I do. I am still tempted and still do start early in the morning and work late at night. But I'm definitely adding boundaries. I cut myself off at 10PM no matter how much is going on. I also stop looking at my work phone at night and on the weekends. Baby steps.


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The interesting thing is I suppose I am experiencing an unusual experience. I am feeling alright, no, I'm feeling good today. I am finding my IC doing what it can to put me back in my place. I am finding myself longing to be miserable, to be depressed, to be where I normally am. I found myself catastrophizing. I imagined myself getting T-boned on my son's side of the car and some of the details that would follow from a situation like that. When crossing the train tracks, I imagined getting a train catching our car. I'm assuming it is a desperate attempt of my IC to put me back in my place. Where "I deserve". I can't say I still look at myself highly, I don't think I ever will nor do I know what it would take to look at myself positively.

R has commented in the past how she finds it deeply troubling that I genuinely don't see myself as worthy, as a good person, husband and father. I don't have an explanation for it, I suppose it would be just too painful to acknowledge that. I know the literature says this is a symptom of emotional neglect. However, I don't think I will be able to move past this or at least I don't want to move past this. 

Also, forgot to mention this and feel the need to log it. I'm fairly certain I had nightmares last night. I don't recall what the dreams were but woke up in the morning with the feeling that I had a nightmare.

R said she notices me shaking last night.

Fair winds and following seas rainy! I hope you can enjoy/make it through the holidays.

Hi notalone, thank you for checking in. Thanksgiving went alright, actually it went better than expected. Thank God. In preparing for Thanksgiving my T strongly encouraged that I find a way to get into a good headspace before going. I took the morning to work on finishing the basement downstairs (I enjoy working with my hands) and I also spent time just listening to music. It definitely helped. Lastly, I spoke with my parents and aging grandmother prior to going over which took some of the edge related to obligations off.

Also not going to lie I took some Ativan before and during the festivities. I'm not proud that I needed to do that but it certainly helped. I didn't dissociate and I wouldn't consider myself social but I wasn't a recluse either.

My interactions with R's family has been a point of contention with R and I. I'm glad this was one of my better days. More or less R has notice my relationship with her family steadily decline. I find myself frequently angry at my in laws. I know part of it is I guess I hold them to a higher expectation since my family is gone. When they don't meet that expectation I get upset. The other part I think is justified. I've been disappointed on the way they treat topics such as suicide and see R. They've been quick to dismiss her medical expertise.

This may sounds absurd but I rarely make time for myself and I believe that helped significantly.

As for this weekend things went alright. R and I had a conversation last night about my mental health. We've both notice I've been declining. I'm sure part of it is the natural ebb and flow of things. Typically things get tough for me around the holiday season. Also I'm finding "old" me resurge. I'm finding that I'm burning the candle at both ends which is definitely a characteristic of "old" me. I find it difficult to take care of myself, be a family man, and be great at work all at the same time but I try to perfect the last two regardless which comes to my detriment. R mentioned how it's tough from her end because she also gets depressed but when I'm in the depth of my own depression I struggle to pick up on those cues to be available to her. She has definitely been carrying the load in regards to the household and a positive, happy influence for the kids.

I've been finding guilt come back. We are in the process of decorating for Christmas. I find R is quick to embrace her family traditions but I'm not quick to embrace my own. My mother hand sewed a beautiful stocking for myself when I was a kid, she also made one for T and B. I'm finding it difficult to use them. I have no idea where mine and T is (I know it is in the basement somewhere). And we just received B's and it is still in the packaging it shipped with a couple of weeks ago. I don't understand why this is so hard for me. Why I am quick to dismiss well intentioned things my parents have done. I'm definitely disappointed in myself.

It was a therapy day today. Both couples and individual. Things kind of got rough in Couple's. The topic(s) largely revolved around my latest grievances: Thanksgiving holiday with family. As I mentioned above I haven't been fond with the decision to go over my in laws for thanksgiving. They essentially mandated that we all get COVID tested with full knowledge results would not be available until well after Thanksgiving Day. Moreover, my MIL informed my wife that both my FIL and her had a sore throat and cough over the weekend "but it was just a cold". She also went to get a facial Monday. I can't begin to describe how frustrated I am. I know it's not intended but what is communicated to me by their words and actions is "my holiday is more important than you and your kids health". And at the end of the day whether you mean it or not words and actions have consequences.

I think the overall risk of getting COVID is low as they've been part of our circle of people we've been in contact with but In finding myself resistant out of principle. This is now the second or third time in which my MIL brings up some infectious disease medical issue and when she realizes it won't serve her agenda covers her tracks. I think that's what makes me angry the most. It's selfish.

I think what bothers me is that I don't have a family anymore. My family are my in laws. My parents and sister live far away and everyone else has passed. I was too stupid to realize it while I was in the Navy but family and time with family (and even friends for that matter) is sacred. It's a gift and should be treated like one. Before you know it people will die and move on and at that point you lost that opportunity.

When family situations are manipulated to meet ones agenda I obviously get upset. My parents have been accused of being selfish and I can't say that's an incorrect statement. As I stated before my therapist have related my parents as alcoholics who were never fully available to us. I suppose when I therefore see selfishness or undesirable behaviors in my in laws it triggers me. It gets me angry. As it is a demonstration that I've lost one dysfunctional family and inherited another.

During Couple's I blew up. Spoke about how this dynamic upsets me. I spoke about how my in laws make me so angry. R discussed how I've been living in the shadow of my father and mother trying whatever I can to make them happy and get them to say that they are proud of me. Those words will never come and the only father figure I have I suppose is my FIL. But his flaws are only magnified to me.

I'll admit I'm unwilling to take them in as family. I'm so resistant. I'm sure this is a carry over from emotional neglect as I don't want to go through that pain again. I guess I'm deeply wounded and I'm not sure if these scars will heal.

We decided to go to Thanksgiving tomorrow. It's going to be a very tough day and I need to somehow find a way to be present and not dissociate. I have no idea how I'm going to manage that.

Thanks san, I appreciate it and I'm sorry to hear you have been quite effected by this illness, I'm sorry for your losses. My wife knows what we should do but I also don't think she wants to deal with the fallout related to it. I'd be completely onboard celebrating the holiday on day when everyone is well. To me it's just another day anyway. Unfortunately, for R's family that is not the case. They would be deeply hurt if it wasn't celebrated on the actual day. I feel like from my perspective my hands are tied and whether I like it or not we will be participating in Thanksgiving. I have a feeling if I chose not to go R would take the kids anyway and if that is the case I'd rather be there as it is not right for them to be potential exposed and not me.

R keeps on providing updates she's heard from her family. Updates such as her parents still haven't been tested but her mom has managed to book an appointment for R at the local urgent care for a rapid test. That her mom and dad will be getting tested tomorrow. It's getting very frustrating to listen to these updates. Again, because I understand that any real COVID test will not provide results until well after Thanksgiving and furthermore a rapid test isn't necessarily enough to definitively confirm you are COVID free.

Last week, I had to go into the office and clear out my desk at work. I am now working remote 100%. Even though I've only been to the office twice since March it became real that I am now fully remote. I'm happy I have the capability to do so but this year has also been very difficult. There has been no boundary for me between work and my family. My kids don't understand why daddy has to work and I've been hearing a lot of "dad I don't get to see you anymore" or "dad will you play with me" (when I need to work) comments. This plays to the emotional neglect and I'm terrified what I went through as a kid is now being transferred to them. I was never abused or physically neglected as a kid but I was emotionally neglected. My mother had to deal with her dying mother and handicapped farther, she was obviously preoccupied. My farther worked. I recall many nights dad not coming home until very late because of work or having to go in on the weekends. The stoicism and this absolutely contributed to where I am now. I see myself in my father. Always working, always needing to make sure I'm doing a good job, being perfect. I'm working from home but working 14 hour days. Yes, the pandemic plays into it but it also means dad is never around and dad is in the same building as his kids. I just hope this doesn't rub off on them. I remembered that my couple's therapist at one point akin to me growing up similar to a family of alcoholic parents. My parents never being fully there, not being able to provide the support that is required and being preoccupied with something related to themselves.

As the holidays approach there is nothing more that I want than seclusion. I don't want to deal with my in laws. I don't want to listen to R's grandparents, their racist remarks and the latest gossip. I want quiet.

I'm finding myself filled with defiance and anger today. The holidays approach and here comes Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is a big holiday for R's family. I really hate this time of year. It is a reminder of the family I don't have and a reminder of the selfishness and things that are taken for granted on my wife's side.

To provide a little background. My FIL likely had COVID in February/March time frame. Whatever illness he did have lead to complications that lead to decrease kidney function and the need for surgery. He is now more or less recovered but is on medication that are immunosuppressants. We've been dealing with his illness nonstop from Feb to at least August.

Over the weekend R's family requested that we get COVID tested. I can't help but find myself frustrated at this notion. The request is at least two weeks too late. My MIL is getting a facial today and tested tomorrow. It is very obvious to me this is their way of checking the box and putting their heads in the sand to pretend everything is ok. I find myself much against getting tested at this point as no results would be available by thanksgiving. Furthermore the rapid tests aren't necessarily accurate so a negative test doesn't necessarily mean you don't have COVID it just means the test resulted negative. My point is I don't feel it is a test that is sufficient to make decisions off of.

My wife worked last night and on the way home my MIL informed R that both her and her farther have been having a cough and a sore throat. But she also said she's ok and she knows it's a cold. I find it incredibly frustrating to be so nonchalant with COVID especially when the plan is to have family over for thanksgiving. She is putter her thanksgiving party as a priority over the health of my kids and everyone else who will be there. I can't help but feel angry.

I will be advocating not to go as for me it is too much of a risk to expose my kids too. There already is a probability that my in-laws are infected, why would I accept the risk of infecting my kids? What frustrates me is I can already see how this will play out. My wife and I will speak with my in laws I'm not going. They will be incredibly upset and essentially guilt trip R to go. Everyone will go, I will feel defeated and that I am not valued (which plays into emotional neglect). I will want nothing to do with anyone at the party, I'll retreat into my head and everyone will ask questions of What's wrong with Buddy?

I'm so sick of these dynamics there is enough history where I can say this prediction is fairly accurate. And what will gnaw away at me is the realization that my personal family is gone. My parents were certainly not perfect and have led to me part of the reason why I'm on OOTS to begin with. But I will be forced to deal with my "new" family, their lack of perspective, and willingness to place my kids at risk for a holiday.

I'm so sick of this. I already feel defeated and worthless.

Well today was fairly tough, as I suggested before I was definitely on edge. I don't really have an explanation why, I just know T wasn't helping any. I was trying to get shelving up in the shed and she wasn't really doing anything but it definitely triggered me. I snapped at her a few times definitely to the point of making her cry. The parent of the year award goes to me!

I hate it when I'm like that because quite frankly she doesn't deserve it. She's a good kid and is just curious. She wants to explore the world around her. I know when I snap at her that stifles her curiosity and it scares me to see her lose that. One of the big positive drivers of my life was my curiosity. From a very young age I wanted to understand everything. How the world worked, how organisms function, how computers work, whatever.  Even simple things like how to maintain a car. That curiosity followed me through college and when I joined the Navy it was beaten out of me. Four years later, I find myself out and a defeated man. No interests as before. My point is I don't want to be the driving force that stifles her curiosity. I don't think I could tolerate that.

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My wife and I are in the process of clearing our closet in our bedroom to turn it into a mini office. I'm perpetually work from home now and working in an unfinished basement is getting old. Especially with winter coming it gets cold and an alternative solution needs to be found. I struggle when going through old memorabilia. I came across my grandfather's pocket watch. The time was stopped around 12:55. The one time I wore it was at our wedding. I wonder if it stopped that night or the next day. He was absent from the wedding as he had passed a few years before. The watch was actually his father's whom he barely knew because he died when my grandfather was young. The painful memories of the last time I saw my grandfather circulated back in my head. I had to essentially beg my commander to see my dying grandfather. After much labor I was finally given permission. When I saw him in hospice I could barely recognize him as how I remember. He was malnourished and dehydrated. He could no longer swallow. He would aspirate if he did. It was very obvious to me that he was dying. I recall him trying to speak with me but it was intelligible. His tongue was too dry to speak. I wonder what he was trying to communicate. Was it words of wisdom? Was it retelling old stories, I have no idea.

I had to go back to my ship. I made the 500 mi journey back to base. He died later that week, I was able to attend his wake but not his funeral. I recall requesting my parents to be with him during his final moments as no one deserves to die alone. They weren't there for him. "The nurse was with him". The busy overworked nurse. I doubt that individual was able to spend much time.

This week was like any other week the past few months. I'm working like 14 hour days. One client requires about 8 hours of my time a day never mind my other clients. There is no end on site for this pace of work. Obviously, I'm burning the candle at both ends.

 I'm feeling a bit on edge today. I can't really say I know why. Today has started off fine. I took T to get some doughnuts. We had a nice breakfast as a family and then we went outside to work on the shed. We recently bought a shed as our house has limited storage. I've been working to put shelving in, leveling the shed, etc.

T would be playing in the shed opening and closing doors and it just made me very anxious and irritable. At one point she dropped a metal pole on the floor and it caused me to snap. I forget what I said to her but it was enough to make her cry. The day is just starting. I hope I can manage my irritability and stress long enough for the rest of the day.

Hi everyone, I’ve definitely been absent a lot longer than I thought I was going to be. Essentially in August I wanted to take a short break. Not that I am anywhere close to being healed but I was losing steam and figured a break would help almost reset me. I was planning on taking maybe a month off at most with the hopes of returning recharged and ready to go. Life had different expectations and the past three months have certainly not been restful and it has no sign of letting up. I’m going to try and be more active on the forum but please forgive me if I’m slow/don’t comment on posts. As I’ll discuss further below, I definitely think I need to work on myself again but it has and will be very difficult.

2020 has been * of year, not only because the pandemic it just feels like personally there has been something fairly significant going on in my family every month.

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I left August which was discussed in my previous posts, with my FIL sick and in the hospital. He needed kidney surgeries and was being ruled out for lymphoma. Fortunately, the doctors confirmed it wasn’t cancer but an autoimmune issue. Since then he’s been doing better but is on immunosuppressants for his condition.

My cousin who I was close with growing up, not so much in our adult lives was found dead from an OD behind a dumpster near some train tracks. As my sister indicated, it was a very lonely way to go. Similar to most deaths that I experience, it doesn’t matter how close or distant the person is. I feel nothing. The only thing that I feel weighing on me is the understanding that it is yet another family member from the dwindling list that remains. My other cousin (sister to the cousin that ODed) has serious mental health and addiction issues of her own. She’s now alone. No sister, her mother ODed about two years ago, she has an absent farther, no grandparents, and my parents are no longer available to her since they moved.  It’s just her. That’s got to be a heavy burden to carry yet I feel nothing.

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Sometime this fall my neighbor decided to cut an ATV trail through my property. We were coming home from getting pizza for dinner. We saw a brush cutter on our property actively making a path. R and I were sick to our stomachs. I know it’s first world problems but we have a nice piece of land with nothing but forest behind us. I personally wanted to live some place quiet and rural. On the hardest of day’s while I was in the Navy, I promised myself when I get out that I would find a quiet peaceful place to live the rest of my days with R. I have been fortunate enough to have found that place and cutting a 10 ft wide path across my woods feels like a slap in the face. It feels like some of my Navy related demons won’t let me have peace.  The stressors that typically caused these hard days was often due to a failure of leadership and a toxic command. Having a neighbor make poor decisions and clear a path on my land feels like it is bringing up that poor decision making all over again. We getting over it but we feel so violated.

My dad had thyroid cancer. Fortunately, he has had his thyroid removed and all signs show no remnant cancer. I’m not sure if it is the knowledge that thyroid cancer is relatively curable or something else but similarly to deaths in my family I didn’t feel much.

I am a project manager for a biotech company. My plate has been rather full since this summer. This fall I was given the honor of assisting one of the leading vaccine developers with their COVID vaccine. I take this project extremely seriously and the gravity has not been lost on me. This project however, is a full time job on top of my already full portfolio. I’ve been working 14 hour days for the past two months with no sign of it letting up. I’m obviously exhausted and burnt out. What hurts the most are the days when T says something to the affect of “daddy, I never see you anymore, will you come play with me?” It’s like a knife being twisted in my chest. Typically I can’t spend time with her and even when I do my mind is elsewhere on work. What terrifies me is that I’m sure this is a huge contributor to the neglect that I went through growing up. My dad was rarely around because he worked hard. It scares me that I’m placing my children in a similar predicament.

This brings me to present day. Before I checked out in August , I’d say my cPTSD symptoms were manageable and relatively low. Now they are coming back. I’m constantly on edge, I’m irritable, noises that typically wouldn’t affect other people startle me. I’m sure my depression is starting to get worse. I’m finding myself intolerant to my clients if they are not helping themselves to the success of their projects.

Two weekends ago my FIL came over to build T a swing set. The week leading up to it, R strongly recommended that they don’t come over because she would be working all weekend and therefore I would have the kids. We brought this up several times during the week and they would not listen. He came over anyway and I was livid. I felt extremely taken advantage of. No thought was given that I’ve been working my butt off with literally no time to do anything else. I literally wake up at 5/6 in the morning and work to 10 pm. There was no respect to my limited free time that I have for myself and the kids. Furthermore, he has not been working for the company he owns probably for about 4 or 5 months due to being sick. His employees have been picking up the slack during his absence. He decided maybe a week after returning to work to take a week off. I know it’s none of my business and has no effect on me but I am obviously struggling with the message that communicates to his employees. His employees that kept the business running during his absence. I know this is a hold over from the Navy but it is so hard for me to let go of these things. It just makes me so angry, clearly taking advantage of your employees.

These past few weeks have been hard on me. Halloween came and went and the other holidays are approaching. T celebrated her birthday last week. It is a reminder of the family I don’t have, no the family I lost. It is a reminder how much R’s family takes for granted being able to spend time with each other. The number of holidays I missed. The number of funerals, births, and weddings I missed. Now all of that is gone. It is a gift! Not even a privilege.

R is starting to get worried about me and so are her parents. I feel like I can usually keep a pretty good poker face but they tell R they can see the pain in my eyes. When we do family functions with R’s side, it is only a reminder of the family I don’t have. In fact my parents are actively encouraging that I embrace R’s family as they know they are no longer available. When I’m at these events I’m able to be social for the start but then I just shut down. Like there’s nothing there. I no longer have anything to contribute to conversation no matter how hard I would try. The best way to explain it is I retreat into my head. I become exhausted. I’m well aware that I have retreated to my head but it is impossible to snap out of it. This has always happened but is happening more frequently which has been of concern for R. I spoke to my T about this and she believes it’s dissociation. I’m not sure it is, everything I read on dissociation doesn’t seem to describe this. I guess I’ll leave it to your judgement?

So here I am at present day. I feel the depression and cPTSD symptoms getting worse. I’d like to say a I would be an active member, respond to others posts and responses to my own posts but I can’t guarantee that.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for the nice messages I sincerely appreciate it. I wanted to check in. Unplanned when I was originally taking a break life has gotten extremely busy with no sign of letting up. I hope to write in my journal about some of it one of these days and spend time with the OOTS family. It would be nice to be able to contribute and I think it would help me some but unfortunately, I don't think I'll be an active contributor for a while.

I haven't had a chance to catch up on everyone's post but I hope life has been treating you well.

Cheers!

Hi guys,

I've been thinking for about a week or so of taking a break from here, hopefully for the short term. I feel bad as I really have not been able to dedicate the time that this site deserves. I've been finding it difficult to write in my journal. Either I don't have the motivation or I don't feel like I have much to write.

I find that I'll take a few days off to find someone has been really struggling. Not that I feel like I am capable of easing anyone's pain but I wish at the time someone is struggling I could at least acknowledge that I hear them.

I don't think I'll be gone for a long time. Maybe a couple of weeks but hopefully it will allow me to come back with a fresh head, more to write and be an active contributing member again.

I hope everyone stays safe and is able to heal.

Fair winds and following seas!

-Brett

Hi rainy, I thought that article was quite poignant thank you for sharing.

Hi rainy, I can understand your frustrations. My MIL is a kindergarten teacher and over the past five years or so she's become so disenfranchised with how the public schools are managed. How it appears families have little investment in their children's education.

How ridiculous it is that it has become a necessity for you guys to train for active shooters and bomb threats? That is something that I would train for routinely in the Navy. That's not something that should be a part of a schools training curriculum. Anyway, she's so sick of how things are going she has decided to retire this year. I'd say she's one of the lucky ones.

I can also sympathize with the exhaustion by our country's narrative. There's days, like today for example where I find it incredibly hard to have faith in humanity. Our country is sick and I'm not sure we will be able to recover.

As I'm writing this post I apologize that it is not so positive. I can understand your concerns related to opening your own practice. You certainly are more vulnerable. At the same token, I have to imagine it is more rewarding. I can also understand your fear of becoming overwhelmed and failing. But what if you are successful? What if at the end of it you are faced with these challenges and overcome them?

So I've been finding it difficult to be an active member on this site as of late. I apologize, I can't say there really is anything external preventing me from participating compared to before. I've just been finding it hard to keep up and find the motivation to be available. I'm not really sure what it is about. I haven't felt great but I haven't felt horrible as of late and part of me feels like I guess I just want to take break on my healing journey. I know that's not really possible and I need to keep up with things. I just feel bad being more or less AWOL for a few days and come back to find someone was really struggling a few days prior to me coming back.

I'm nervous as usually when it comes to what I'll call self help paced healing, this is usually when I fail to follow through. I really don't want to give up being a part of this community. I have found it quite helpful hearing others stories and journaling.

I wonder if a degree of apathy is starting to assert itself again. I don't necessarily feel sad or negative emotions but I don't feel happy either. Could this be the onset of a depressive phase? I'm not quite sure. I ran out of my medication the other day and haven't really felt the desire to renew the prescription. I will be seeing my psychiatrist next week and it feels like I can just wait. My wife thinks it's a mistake and I'm sure it is. As I ran into it I'd the MiniPress for nightmares I found it interesting that I haven't had any as of late or at least I can't remember them. Part of me is nervous. Part of me is questioning do I have cPTSD, did I magically get over it what? Rational me knows that's not the case but it still casts doubt.

I spoke to T about my cousin. How she ODed and how I don't really feel much of anything. She believes that even though growing up we were close perhaps the reason I don't feel anything is because I've accepted her death years before she died. I can't say she's wrong but it doesn't explain how this is my normal reaction to deaths in my family. It doesn't matter how close or removed I am from the family member I rarely feel much of anything at all.

I am currently in between master classes and I've been using this as an opportunity to work on my VA compensation application. I see this as opportunity to get due her treatment and to get compensated if they feel it is necessary. For the PTSD section they request that I detail each traumatic even I experienced, where I was, who I was with, when, etc. I've been reliving the experiences. They haven't been too provocative but I wonder if that has something to do with me potentially feeling apathetic or at least neutral as of late.

Lastly, my T suggested that I watch old family videos, look at old photos etc. I find it interesting because unsurprisingly even now the positive events are filled with sadness when looking back on it.