Well today was a day.
I've been reading Pete Walkers book From Surviving to Thriving. Of course I'm at the section that discusses emotional neglect. Today was the tough. It was a fairly constant and painful reminder of how emotional neglect can carry over to the next generation.
My son had a doctors appoint which my wife took him too. Afterwards she needed to sleep to get ready for work which implies I had her kids just about all day. I had no patience for my daughter today. There were times where I parked her at my desk to watch movies on her tablet so I could work. I essentially kept a screen in front of her all day. When she would want to do something else, acted up etc. I had little patience for it. I felt like I was witnessing the emotional neglect being placed on my daughter yet there was nothing I can do about. I can't help but feel yet another generation is effected and that she will end up messed up like me.
As the work day ended I watched it blow up causing me to pick up the pieces tonight. I feel like T could sense my preoccupation and anxiety with work. I was thinking of all of the tasks that I needed to resolve. I feel like she acted out because she could sense that tension from me. She would not go to sleep taking me away from work. It took me two hours to get her to bed. Again I had no patience. She kept getting out of bed. At one point, I explained to her that if she kept getting up I would need to put a baby gate up. She wouldn't have to sleep but she would have to play in her room while I cleaned up from the day. She freaked. I could hear her crying upstairs as I was trying to clean the kitchen and feed the animals. I could only think about the discussions in Pete Walkers book about abandonment and how I was inflicting that on her.
I feel pretty low. I suppose I deserve it.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of this pandemic. I'm tired of being over worked. I'm tired of not getting help. R and I are drowning yet we still have no one to rely on except ourselves. I know others have it worse, it would just be nice to have some help we could count on.
I've been reading Pete Walkers book From Surviving to Thriving. Of course I'm at the section that discusses emotional neglect. Today was the tough. It was a fairly constant and painful reminder of how emotional neglect can carry over to the next generation.
My son had a doctors appoint which my wife took him too. Afterwards she needed to sleep to get ready for work which implies I had her kids just about all day. I had no patience for my daughter today. There were times where I parked her at my desk to watch movies on her tablet so I could work. I essentially kept a screen in front of her all day. When she would want to do something else, acted up etc. I had little patience for it. I felt like I was witnessing the emotional neglect being placed on my daughter yet there was nothing I can do about. I can't help but feel yet another generation is effected and that she will end up messed up like me.
As the work day ended I watched it blow up causing me to pick up the pieces tonight. I feel like T could sense my preoccupation and anxiety with work. I was thinking of all of the tasks that I needed to resolve. I feel like she acted out because she could sense that tension from me. She would not go to sleep taking me away from work. It took me two hours to get her to bed. Again I had no patience. She kept getting out of bed. At one point, I explained to her that if she kept getting up I would need to put a baby gate up. She wouldn't have to sleep but she would have to play in her room while I cleaned up from the day. She freaked. I could hear her crying upstairs as I was trying to clean the kitchen and feed the animals. I could only think about the discussions in Pete Walkers book about abandonment and how I was inflicting that on her.
I feel pretty low. I suppose I deserve it.
I'm just so tired. I'm tired of this pandemic. I'm tired of being over worked. I'm tired of not getting help. R and I are drowning yet we still have no one to rely on except ourselves. I know others have it worse, it would just be nice to have some help we could count on.