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Hi Rainagain, I'm glad you mentioned this happens to you as well. I wasn't sure if this was just 'me' It actually happened in this club where I disclosed my MH. The coach was introducing herself and others introduced themselves and I did and she said 'We've already met' I have absolutely no recollection of this. I just said 'oh' and moved on as this happens to me a lot. I don't like forgetting I've met people before as I feel it makes me seem 'disabled' if that makes sense.

I have mild dyslexia as well and there has been some small research into this being trauma related in some instances. Trauma disturbs your learning.

I would be interested to know if others forget meeting people and about possible trauma related dyslexia. Others may have this and not know about it or it could be part of CPTSD?

Thanks BB, TR and Kizzie for your insight into this.

I feel for me my emotions are intense and sometimes long lasting and as BB said in a previous post re work, this is coming from something else. I can identify them, just not where they come from without a lot of work.

Interesting point Kizzie 'post' - it certainly isn't as we are still living with it and 'disorder'. Personally I was not pleased when I got diagnosed with CPTSD as it is a horrible condition and I wish I didn't have it but relieved there is something out there professionals and others are trying to understand.

I don't know if this is still active but I'd like to add to it if that's okay.

I am proud of you all for showing acts of kindness to yourselves. I agree Blueberry I find it easier to show kindness to other people.

I am not too bad at showing kindness to myself in some ways, it is 'just' my IC who demolishes me self esteem. My main problem is if someone doesn't understand me - my explanation of something I instantly put myself down without realising I'm doing it by saying I'm not good at explaining things' so I don't feel like an idiot.

Anyway my act of kindness to myself today is to do some baking and tidy more of my flat. 

I think this is a good idea but I think it should be started outside of this forum as this is a safe place for a lot of people and incorporating sessions should be done with someone trained to steer the group.

I encourage you to reach out and contact MH and trauma organisations to start a group like this.

I used to get a lot of pain in my genitals when I was very young.

This always happened at night and the pain started when my mum left my dad overnight with my brother due to DV. I would wake up screaming in agonising pain. The worse pain you could ever feel in your life. It just went on and on, nothing would get rid of the pain.

I remember my gran and mum talking among themselves saying things like 'what has he done to her' I heard my mum saying 'Stay out of her room' when he kept going in at night. My mum took me to the doctors and I remember her saying to my dad 'I'm taking her to the doctors' before we went.

Before going to the doctors she took me to the chemist about different red rashes I had on my 'trunk', legs, thighs. They couldn't help. I remember the chemist saying 'I've never seen anything like it before' I think my mum was worried the doctor would find out something was going on and I'd be removed from her. 

At the doctors, I said to my mum 'Mummy will we tell the doctor it gets sore at night' I clearly remember her telling me 'Let me do the talking' As I was 5/6 I did as my mum told me. My mum just said I'm sensitive with soaps. The doctor took an outer swab which was sore and she really dug the swab stick into my skin as she dragged. I even said 'Ahhh'

So nothing came of this visit. I got a cream my mum could put on when it was sore which of course did nothing. That's like telling someone who has been raped to put a cream on your skin to soothe the bits inside it won't help with.

Does anyone else think the doctor should have been more attuned or done more to investigate or at least ask me what was wrong?

Thank you notalone, woodsgnome and three roses

I'm not sure if this is the right place to put this topic.

I read recently that CPTSD is similar to bipolar and incorporates personality disorder - the article did say professionals are still debating exactly what is incorporated into CPTSD. I didn't like PD connotation as my dad was borderline and abused me and my brother was borderline and narcissistic and was extremely volatile and horrible to me. I did find the information on affect regulation helpful as it said if something upsets someone with CPTSD they can't identify the emotion, know why they are feeling this or what it reminds them of - they don't feel the emotion as sad or angry, it is just pain.

I found this incredibly powerful but I would say I can feel, upset/sad, angry, disappointed all at once and extreme emotional pain as well and it often takes a very very long time or at least some thinking as why I feel so strongly about triggers/EF.

Do other people feel like this? Are other people confused by what is incorporated in CPTSD? Do other people reject the personality disorder connotation in CPTSD?

I know some people think CPTSD and BPD are similar but I disagree with this and I think a good therapist would as well. This is not what I mean as regards to PD in CPTSD - I just mean in general terms.

Hi Blueberry,

Yes I changed the names and took out the name of where I work. I feel a bit paranoid this letter is up here even with these changes so might take it down.

Thank you notalone that was nicely put when you said I wasn't playing anything.

I am sorry Bach you were treated this way. This wasn't fair and wasn't your fault.

I think I am just very hurt by the behaviour of these people. Its like they feel they can behave like this towards me. Do they sense a weakness? A psychologist once said to me 'They see something in you' 'It's a fundamental human fault' I am shocked by their behaviour. Tbh a lot of people have more than one bad story about so called friends or work colleagues which makes me feel better but they can manage to not let it effect them and move on. 

I think its a trauma defense to blame yourself as to how others treat you. This happens in early development in childhood. The child believes 'I am bad' when a child gets treated badly wheras as a healthy functioning adult can decipher 'This is your problem' and not feel they are responsible for the behaviour.

I have not been diagnosed with cfs although I suffer very badly with fatigue and sleep a lot and need to rest and be away from people.

I thought this was over exposure due to my work and being around people but even simple walking outdoors or going shopping during lockdown triggers this off.

Trauma definitely is physical too. I suffer from chronic pain and fatigue, the former diagnosed, the latter part of my trauma.

Trying and slowly implementing a routine helps for me, small steps. Baking a cake or something you enjoy makes me feel pleased with myself and this becomes something my brain wants to feel again and this becomes a routine. Hope this helps.

I subconsciously blame myself when people treat me badly especially if I have known them a while or are/were friends. I know within myself their behaviour is their problem and not my fault. It is like a battle I have with myself. I don't l know if this is the inner critic?

There was a friend I had known for a long time who had upset me on two previous occasions one by not communicating she had went into a venue and leaving me waiting outside for almost half an hour (difficult as I hate standing about and feel people are watching me) and for making insensitive comments about my abuse (she often makes comments without thinking) So I decided to distance myself from her. She wanted to meet at least once or twice a week and due to the above I wanted to protect myself. I had not seen her for months at a time for years and now because she was at a loose end she was clinging to me.

She wanted to go to a play which I had said months ago I would like to go, so honoured this although I didn't want to go with her (I should listen to this) We started bickering a bit as she had become in the past months quite arrogant and it was getting on my nerves, she always thinks shes right. I said to her she wasn't being a good friend leaving me outside waiting on her when she never communicated anything and I wouldn't expect any friend to do this.

When we got outside after the play she exploded into a tirade, screaming in my face saying continually 'you never said sorry' (It did sound ridiculous!) I was literally two minutes later than we planned to meet and she was one of the first at the venue. She is always late for everything. I said she was drawing attention and tried to reason. The only thing I did wrong was not walk away. I am working on this. As a child I had to stay and listen to abuse, so its like a freeze reaction. I was off sick from work at this time. She also knows about my mental health problems - CPTSD, depression, anxiety. I text her after 2 weeks to say I didn't want to see her again after her volatile outburst and can't believe she did this to someone with severe form of PTSD which she replied saying I was playing the victim etc.

I know this is her issue which I told her, if she thinks her reaction is 'normal' she needs help. And that I have had enough of this type of behaviour in my life. One things she said in her many abusive messages was that I have had a lot of bad endings and this has kind of stuck with me. People have treated me badly and things have ended badly but I don't believe this was my fault yet is niggles at me.

There was this 'friend', work (bullying) and a couple of other people I thought were my friends treating me badly and being abusive and nasty which still get to me. I think, if this happens in 3-4 different places then this must be me? I know what happened in each of these scenarios, the recent friend thinking she's always right, my manager not managing and blaming me to deflect from himself, a 'friend' turning people against me though her jealousy etc.

Does anyone else have this internal battle?

Thank you for your kind words, this helps me.

My mind has been swarming as to what my previous work situation has been reminding me of. Its understandable I was upset by what happened - in short bullying and harassment, my boss lying and blaming me.

The disconnection I felt with this situation as I moved branches reminds me of when I told my friends when I was 13 I had been abused by my dad and he said I was lying. I couldn't go to my dad's house which was my only desperate refuge from my step dad's alcoholism and emotional abuse, my mum backed my step dads every word and action. I changed as a person,  wouldn't say I was confident before this but I was annihilated starting at 13, lost my friends and all my issues in the world seemingly began. I have never been able to feel anything about this period in my life or the ensuing years afterwards up until now.

For some reason this has also been triggering and upsetting me where it never had before. Years later, I was in my early twenties, I tried to trust a man and he was my first boyfriend, it was a very brief relationship. I had serious issues being around men and struggled talking to most people but with men it was worse. I had been abused so badly and felt ashamed around people buy mainly men. I had severe physical issues due to my past abuse and was in pain and discomfort all the time. Anyway I entered into a relationship with this man. I thought maybe he could help me trust men again. He violently raped me which was the worse/same pain I'd ever felt in my life. I felt this pain as a child when I was 5/6 being raped. My so called bf wouldn't stop when I asked him to and kept on going. I was in pain for days afterwards and could barely sit down. I was so niave as to 'proper' relationships, I thought this pain was partly due to sex. I didn't want to think the way he 'had sex' with me wasn't consential. I met him once after this and he was distant, aloof and even tried to have sex with me again. I thought this was normal. Also my fault my body wouldn't let him. My body didn't let him the first time but he forced him self inside me. Then he dumped me. I thought there was something wrong with me physically. Which of course there was but years later through sex therapy I have learned this can get better. I have diagnoses for what was wrong, what I am still dealing with. I didn't know why this came up with my work situation but I think it is because what it initially reminded me off with loss and abandonment of having no escape from my abusive step dad and being abandoned by my mum. It was my dads S.A which lead me to being stuck with them and then then the physical and emotional pain I've never been able to release from the rape. 

This was a release writing this.

I resonate with everything you are saying.

Self-isolating is my life anyway. 'Everyone' is struggling with their whole world closing in on them. I know this is worse for some people such as loss of job etc. I feel safer and a sense of relief not having to push myself to do tasks most people take for granted such as socialising and trying to connect.

Having said this I want to help others but the social distancing is a relief i.e leaving shopping etc on peoples door steps and not worrying about my facial expression or them judging me.

Even though I have not had the physical health problems you have had recently. I feel everyone dies sometime and if its my time, its my time. I have two gorgeous cats though and I don't want to leave them.

 

Welcome to the forum