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 I keep getting the same comment going round and round my head and its upsetting me as this comment was directed at me to target me and it feels like the other two bullies have been brought into it and it feels like a threat.

My boss said inappropriate things before I left my previous work (He never managed harassment due to me my mental health and was deflecting onto me)  He said I would have been disciplined for a comment I never made, this is the main thing which bothers me!  He said 'I have protection to these people as well' before he accused me. I said to another colleague has he told his boss about their behaviour?!

Its hard to explain and it sounds trivial. My harassment started when a colleague shouted and pointed at me then I was crying for 45 minutes. This continued for 16 months. My health has suffered due o this treatment, loss of trust in management and people, my interactions with people, not being able to do more hours where if I had support I could have.

I can't get out my head what he said to me before I left, which diminished any trust left in him and cut me off from anything good and from contacting that branch or going there again (My current job is in a different part of the city but the same organisation so we ere connected this way)

I know its easy to say I'm better off out of there and I am but its feeling three or four people attacking me due to my health and his inability to manage. There was understanding of my health (as much as there can be) once this all kicked off and my boss ruined and diminished this for me when he deflected just before I left.

I have lost out on:

A leaving night

• Advice/support as I feel I can't contact the branch
  
• Relief (filling in for absence/holidays)
  
If I'm honest a realistaion that the bully (who had moved) isn't that important
Things were so much better when I left and felt much better

My boss had the audacity to send an email to his manager, me and my union rep to ask how he supported me in the months since we had our meeting. He was also asking other staff I work with after me 'How's....' It really pissed me off and made me angry he had an audacity to ask after me after how he ended things for me.

I wouldn't have went on their nights out - Christmas etc as I don't trust my boss and 2 colleagues have been vindicated - one especially as she was the worse harasser. Three roses sent me a very informative link about relationships and the difference between familiarity and comfort and its the best piece of information I've ever read on relationships - helping me to understand the feeling better.

Part of CPTSD the connection of have an okay ending (after all that had happened) and some understanding of my health meant a lot to me and my boss destroyed this. But the former is all I wanted. I have been depressed, angry and dysregulated about all of this since.

Sorry this is so long, I want to feel better from this. Highlights I don't even have an okay understanding from people in my life about CPTSD and wanted this.

 

Saylor, I am so glad you can be candid here and I appreciate you being so with me. I was a bit worried my post was too honest and would be flagged up due to the nature. I am also glad you get where I am coming from although of course not pleased you feel the same way.

I don't want pain for anyone but feel your pain.

I've been struggling for decades, and I wish that, looking back, I could say that "it was all worth it!", but I can't. There doesn't seem to be anything redeeming for me after all's been said and done

I am so sorry you have been feeling this pain for decades  I too can relate to wishing I had died at the hands of those who continue to harm me because I have CPTSD. Although I never got a beating so severe it would kill me. Although I felt different types of pain including emotional might have.

Sorry so candid, but I think without honesty, there's no hope whatsoever for growth or healing. So here's to honesty and openness. I hope it's of some comfort to you that you're not alone in this

Honesty is the best policy and is definitely good for healing. Thank you for your words of comfort. I am glad you are still here. You have helped me with some of your posts and I take comfort in that too. I know life is about having your needs met and finding comfort and happiness but I want you to know I value your contribution here. I hope too you can find peace, comfort and happiness you deserve whilst also staying candid!

I'm just reading all your comments and experiences of phoning helplines and I'm so sorry you have had these experiences. There are quite a lot of hotlines in the UK some of which are directed/trained in trauma or abuse. I have only ever phoned one helpline, one who normally focus on suicidal thoughts but they can be contacted for any emotional distress and I found the lady I spoke to very helpful and understanding. I phoned crying and ended laughing. I still had the same problems and the intensity came back but I felt peace for 2-3 days.

I hope you will be able to access similar helplines or services in the future.

Does anyone else (probably) feel they wish they had died a long time ago?

I just can never see myself as an 'old' person and I don't want to. I would have done it already but I have my two wee cats and I would hate them to be mistreated plus I feel they 'know' when I'm really struggling. When I was seriously depressed last year I wished I could take them with me. I have felt suicidal for years with some years not feeling this and sometimes it has been more intense. Last year though I REALLY wanted to go and didn't care about anything, possessions are nothing (I have some things I am grateful for but not rich by any means) My cats are my family, they are reliant on me.

I am struggling just now not to slash my arms. I find cutting really satisfying at releasing everything I need it to but I know its really damaging. I am very self conscious so this kind of stops me but not my pain. Also now I do a sport where I need to show my arms, I am ashamed if anyone sees my scars (They are small and on upper arm but there if up close)

I just feel I want to be out of this pain and move on to a better life, I believe we do get reincarnated.

I do not feel actively suicidal but it is always in the background.I don't want to trigger others but do others feel the same way?

Thank you for sharing this Kizzie.

I saw a US based clip similar where high school kids were all in a line, this was more about privilege and race a bit as that can be a bigger disadvantage in the US but this can be made with any example. The reason we are all here struggling is not because of the decisions we made.

Warning: There is a bit at the end which quotes the bible in case this triggers anyone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4K5fbQ1-zps

I think this is a good idea but I think it should be started outside of this forum as this is a safe place for a lot of people

Though my reasons for thinking along these lines might be different from yours, brightlight. Before I explain my reasons let me say that I do know that I might well be triggered and that childhood trauma might well be affecting my thoughts.

My worry about an interactive support group here on the forum is that those who are participating might form a kind of clique, an 'insider group' versus those who are not participating.  So I fear that somebody like me who's not participating will get left out. Undoubtedly this is an EF but maybe there's still a grain of truth in my worry? Of course I could join the interactive group, but I probably wouldn't because group dynamics can lead to triggering situations for me - which tend not to be good for me or for other people in the  group. I don't think for a minute that the participants would form a clique on purpose or want to leave anybody out because that's not what happens on this forum. I've done a lot of group and/or community therapy, including days or even weeks at a time, and although it can be very supportive, very informative, very validating it can also go really deep, trigger a lot of pain e.g. with your own realisations about how you function in a group (or don't function as the case may be) and throw you for a total loop. Could the group contain that? I have experience of 12 Step groups where the group couldn't contain and bear what all came up in a person. Could an unhealthy dynamic develop in the interactive group? Would the interactive group have the same Member Guidelines as the rest of the forum? Possibly these are some aspects worth considering in advance?

Blueberry - I hope you don't mind me quoting your whole message. Its easier for me to reply to as I agree with pretty much everything you said. I have not been part of a therapy group but have been part of a drop in group which had some very unhealthy dynamics as this should have been a time limited group and these people were there for up to 7 years which is unhealthy in itself. There was already a before and after people and I found from certain people competition for best drama (really no need when you know your * bad anyway!) and jealousy if you had achieved anything in order to try and move on with your life. So my point is this is safe and constructive and having an 'in' and 'out' group would be counter intuitive. I agree with marta1234 this forum is good because it is safe anonymous.

I know chris336 has clarified the f2f sessions but I just wanted to input my thoughts on this when I saw Blueberry's post, to support and agree with what she said.

I think Chris336 12 step idea is very good and wish you luck with it!

I am so glad this is not just me Kizzie and now I know there are at least three of us! That makes me hungry though 'swiss cheese memory' I like the connotations but I'd crave cheese all the time   

I suppose it can't be nice to feel someone has 'forgotten' having met you but tbh I focus so much on the situation or environment I'm in to think too much about it.

I also forget huge chunks of (few) holidays (but usually when I'm depressed) I know its common to forget words when people are stressed generally. If you are talking and want to say 'desk' but forget what its called. I have this happen to me but I have seen it happen with others, so I can relate.

Thanks for the link Kizzie, I'll check it out.

I have copied the 'Managing Flashbacks' into word on my computer so I can read this if possible when I'm having an EF. I have read that section on Pete Walker before but I usually don't take in or internalise what I read. Thank you for pointing me towards this.

I started to watch the IFS link on youtube and will watch more of it. For me when something in depth like this, I always start analysing people who have done me wrong or abused me in some way and start putting these 'reasons' onto them. I don't know if this is an EF mixed in with over empathising with abusive/people who have done me wrong.

I don't want to do this and wish I could switch it off. I started doing this relating to my boss 'Maybe that's why he said what he did - out of anger' and then I understand and feel sorry for him. Overly empathising with others without self compassion for myself 

Saylor and Rainagain - I think a period of being away from other people can help heal in order to make more satisfying connections and or propel us to better situations.

[...]

I used to try really hard to "fit in" and "act normal", as well as, just in general, to really put myself out there and achieve (and, I guess, hopefully impress people and be accepted, along the way). I was in this mode from high school age and for decades onward—until very recently, in fact. For me, that approach didn't seem to pay off. I think it just left me exhausted and disillusioned. It feels like nothing of any real, lasting value came of it, after all that effort!! I'm not sure I'd say I regret it, but only because then I'd probably always wonder whether I had tried hard enough, and kick myself for the "what-ifs", otherwise. Nowadays, I've gone in the complete opposite direction. I have trouble making any real effort in life. I really do feel like I've given up.

I think its satisfying to know you have tried at something even in vain and if its not worked out you don't have the 'what if' niggling at you. So well done for trying.

I am in my thirties and still want connections and to make an effort. However find it difficult. If I do connect and someone hurts me I find it difficult to trust again. This goes for work colleagues, friends and dating. I'm trying to aim to have 'safe' connections and good environments albeit work etc if I can make it happen and build from there.

LucySnowe - 'generators/incubators' for the next phase - I agree with you in some circumstances. The trouble with CPTSD as I mentioned above being hurt effects future relationships and scenarios (work or being in a group of people) Taking it step by step and knowing when to step away without shutting out the good is a healthy first step.

dreamriver - I too scan for perceived dislike not just with facial expressions like you do with your emails. I was on zoom yesterday for the first time with a club I'm in (I'm quite new and there are a lot of members) and I instantly felt like the coaches facial expressions was like 'Her' when I popped up. I was smiling not knowing what to do (I didn't know my mike was actually on mute til later) I just think they think I'm weird. Its like I'm trying to read her mind and her face without realising I'm doing it.

Woodsgnome  I hope you managed to enjoy your friends coming round. I am glad you have good people in your life but sorry you can't always enjoy this due to what you have been through. 

My facial expression is usually not how I'm really feeling. I'm usually uncomfortable due to feeling anxious and look very unhappy or bored etc but even when I'm enjoying myself I can look like this if I'm around a lot of people. Its complicated.

I have been acting out my anger by mimicking behaviour of others who have made me feel dysregulated. It is understandable I am angry but this has been going on for months and I end up crying and becoming really upset.

I'm sure my neighbours think I'm 'mental' which makes be a bit embarrassed to go outside in case anyone has heard me.

It is work related what triggered this. This is what I'm mimicking. I have worked a lot on why I feel like this and it stems back from losing the relationship with my dad after his S.A and being stuck with no refuge with my abusive alcoholic step dad who hated me and my m going along with this.

I want this stuff out my head! It is so intense it has effected relating to to others even more, I think about it all the time, work (before lockdown) home, around others.

I will never trust my boss again (I could never trust my dad again) It seems like I'm mourning this (boss) relationship in a really intense way when I don't trust him, I don't feel comfortable around him. He did sabotage the relationship with colleagues in the work place both unconsciously and to deflect from his (lack) management. Maybe I am mourning having my formative relationships sabotaged through abuse and control?

Does anyone else mimic or act out others mistreatment when angry? Does anyone have any tips to deal with this?

Thank you so much Three Roses, that article made so much sense to me. In fact it is the best information I have read in relationships and how they are meant to feel. I'm going to carry that with me.

I am much better at identifying red flags but it is not always obvious, so how you are meant to feel around someone is important to hightlight, also that two very different people don't work - I have often thought this. A balance is needed. If you don't mind I would like to use this quote from the article:

'Ultimately it comes down to respect, and knowing whatever opinions you express, whatever you find funny, or engaging, or insulting, your partner will listen to you, whether they agree with you or not.'

Its funny as I always try to listen and hear others out without judgement but long to have others treat me with the same respect.

Maybe I am unintentionally trying to fix my past relationships and these people bully, threaten and verbally abuse me as had happened when I was growing up. What I am proud of myself for is ending the last 'friendship' which ended up consisting of this.

When I told one of my friends how this one who erupted at me had behaved he said to me'You need better friends' No judgement, no blaming me - the problems is with her. So this is what I need to work on. Comfort and respect. (I like how excitement is in with comfort too in the article)

 

Thanks TR, its good to have a bit of validation.

I often wonder had I have had intervention early on and help/removed then the further abuse would not have been allowed/able to happen resulting in CPTSD.

I asked for my medical records over ten years ago now and this was not even recorded in my file.