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I fairly recently started an exercise group which is on twice a week. It's a league, so we are all members. I have been through a long period of depression including serious suicide thoughts although this is currently not as intense.

I find it really hard to 'be myself' or connect to many of the people there. There are a couple of people who are easier to talk to. I also struggle zoning out and tear up a lot and generally I think it is pretty obvious people think somethings not right or that I'm weird or have mental health problems. They go out to the pub after class once a week and although I want to go or at least feel I should go I would struggle with the noise and open spaces, feeling I'm going to freeze up and end up feeling even worse.

I feel when people pick partners or pair up etc no one wants to go with me or this is my perception. New people have started and they seem to have connected straight away. When we have to speak to give instructions or in the circle I am so quiet and worry I come across like I'm immature or shy which I'm not. It makes me feel dreadful like I'm never going to have a fulfilling life. 

Does anyone else have this issue?

I agree, thank you for bringing this to the forum. I have really low self esteem due to my physical problems now and I suffer from depression because of this and felt the way you do about sex previously. Everything was painful and I could never imagine enjoying it. Physical side of things can get better and it sounds like you have a supportive husband. A sex therapist should understand how you feel about the therapy and will take everything at your pace, it should be respectful and only do what you feel comfortable with.

I'm so sorry you have been through this and the physical problems the trauma has left you with. I have some similar problems to you physically. I've never heard of lichen sclerosus and I'm sorry you have to go through this as well.  Pain for me had got better for a period in my life and then came back a few years ago although still horrible, it's not been as bad. There are relaxation techniques you can try though a specialist physiotherapist or sexual counselor even to try and alleviate some of the pain and discomfort. Also warm salt baths help with relaxation of the muscles and salt helps with itching whilst bathing.

I'm not comfortable talking about sex or relationships at the moment. I've had problems in the past with connecting to people and the physical issues gave me constant flashbacks where I was living in a constant limbo. I too felt like the only one and that there was something inherently wrong with me. Your not alone with this. Things can get better. I have a libido which is further frustrating with physical pain and feeling overwhelmed with the world.

Riverrabbit - I think the subconscious tries to protect us to enable us to continue surviving especially if you have to live with your parents and they are the ones hurting you.

Thank you Kizzie. For a long time I couldn't process anything at all, living in the present was near impossible with the debilitating pain and the past just wouldn't go away, it was always there in my head, it was like some sort of limbo. Living death I used to call it. Slowly I have began to learn social skills - any I did have and any sense of self was eradicated with my step dad's emotional abuse. Social skills have helped me learn to express myself along with normal experiences of life like volunteering, work which I feel have helped me develop as a person. Being around other people and learning how they interact with people.

I'm glad your pain and anger have lessened as you have been able to open up and talk about your trauma. 

LearningToLive - I'm so sorry you went through this and I understand your feelings of not being protected. I think that's what makes the emotions so strong, no one protecting you.

Sending 

Thank you for the hug and kind words. That means a lot.

This is really hard for me to write and my memories are quite fragmented from being so young. I know some things did happen and the worse pain you could ever experience to go with it.

I have always had problems in my private area since I was in my cot. I remember I had this terrifying nightmare about this monster hiding under my cot when my mum left my bedroom when I was about 2-3 and he put cream on me in my private area. I was prescribed this from the doctors for a period when I was very young but it never made the pain go away.

My childhood was quite scary when you have limited understating of what's going on, there was domestic violence where my brother and myself heard my parents arguing and my dad hit my mum. We also witnessed this and as we had a strong bond with our mum and not so much our dad, this was extremely distressing/upsetting for us as we didn't have the words or actions to be able to help her.

However I always felt my brother was treated as the golden boy with my mum and gran and I was treated differently. Due to this I wanted to belong and have affection from someone else and thought I had started to get this from my dad. One night after domestic violence my mum left and I had the choice to go with them or stay with my dad. I felt sorry him and stayed with him. I was 5/6. That night, I won't go into the details but it was the worse pain I've experienced in my life. I remember him saying something about see what your mum thinks about this. I can't remember exactly but it was like there was intent to hurt her through me. I screamed in pain all night, long after he'd gone. Ever since that night and for a long time afterwards I woke up screaming in pain and was inconsolable as nothing would take the pain away. I'm not sure if this was the next night or another time but I must have asked him not to do anything and I remember him saying he's not going to do what he did last time. But did something else. This has always been on my mind. Even though I know this happened, I still doubt it, is this a self protection defense?

When I went to the doctors I remember saying to my mum 'Will we tell the doctor it hurts at night' and my mum said 'Let me do the talking' My mum said I was sensitive down there and mentioned something to do with the bath. The doctor swabbed me but I remember she was quite rough and I said ouch as it was quite sore. This memory is so clear to me.

My mum came back as usual. We were always leaving and going back. I never stayed with my dad without my mum again. When I cried at night I had a cream we got from the doctors and it did nothing at all to help. My mum would rock me most of the time but because I cried so much and for so long, she said she had to go to bed as she had work the next day.

I had this flashback when I was about 22 from one of those nights and I don't want to be too graphic but there was blood all over the sheets etc. I'm not sure how much I should rely on this type of flashback/memory?

When I was in my bed I heard my mum telling my dad to stay out of my room and asked him what he'd done to me. I also heard my mum and gran talking among themselves about 'what's he been doing to her' I heard my mum saying to my dad 'They'll get taken off me' She lived her life through us. Although the latter statement could have been about various things. She hit us with the belt. My dad apparently always said to my mum he'd say she was an unfit mother (I never knew that until years later)

As a result of what I described I had for almost a decade starting from age 15 debilitating chronic pain and discomfort in my vagina. I always said it was the emotional abuse from my step dad which brought this previous trauma out. It just feels like such a wasted life. I'm 36 now. Not like the debilitating pain I had previously but I have had chronic vaginal pain for almost 4 years now due to an internal abscess. Fortunately I have received good/understanding mental health and gynecological support this time round.

This is such a relief to get this off my chest.  I struggle to talk about my memories and express even to therapists as so much domestic violence and different types of abuse it's so hard for me to process. I'm just becoming more able to process and express myself recently. This is quite long, so I'm just initially glad to get this off my chest.

 

Yes, definitely brightlight.   I'm so glad to hear you are making progress     but I understand what you're saying.

I too have made progress and have been surprised at the grief, sadness and a degree of anger. In my case it wasn't for what had been but all that could have been if I had not been gifted with CPTSD.

I can relate entirely. I think for me since having the CPTSD diagnosis and reading about what causes it and how if manifests itself - your brain not caring whether your happy but keeping you safe, this really helps me. I still feel angry for what could have been as a lot of forms of abuse I suffered from were purposefully hidden and I did try to get help but was prevented from accessing services and also not listened to.

I have a hard time confining my grieving without slipping into regrets and/or self-blame and anger about what I didn't do.

I suppose it's easy to blame ourselves when we are not the ones to blame. It's what others did to us and what they didn't do i.e love and protect us. I still think although it used to be more intense if only I am how I am now (being able to express what the problems were) and making someone help me such as social services.

I have moved forward quite a bit compared to how things have been for me in the past. I used to struggle to get out of the house and found the whole world overwhelming and struggled to speak to even say 'thank you' to the cashier in the supermarket.

I can have conversations with people now and like being around people although I still find too much of this overwhelming. I started part time work a few years back and although this has been tough , I think there is some light at the end of the tunnel now. I'm working on joining groups and going out for walks with a long time friend. I still feel quite isolated. I see my face when I was 9 popping up in my head and feel mortified/upset/depressed if my younger self knew what my life was to become.

I feel grief for how things were for me ten years ago. I keep thinking if only I could do then some of the things I can do now, like leave the house, speaking to people, being able to work. I appreciate I can do these things now but I still feel grief. It's what we all should be able to take for granted. Does anyone else grieve for their previous life after making progress? 

Hi Woodsgnome,

Thank you for your welcome and message.

It's hard to truly believe you deserve love when the people who were meant to love and protect you the most hurt you the worse. I'm sorry to hear about your friend passing and what a lovely thing to do, asking her daughter to pass on the message 'you are loved' when she was dying. She must have really thought a lot of you.

I think being told something positive over and over again will work beneficially over time.

Hi everyone, 

I'm so glad I found OOTS website and forum. It helps me to understand why I have the problems I do, especially recognising how detrimental emotional abuse can be in childhood and adolescence.

My first memories were hearing my dad beat my mum whilst I was in bed and witnessing violence as a toddler but being unable to help. My mum over disciplined my brother and myself when we were very young, this included hitting us with a belt although she did sometimes leave bruises and I never remember what I did wrong. Do some people even regard this as abuse? It was the late 80's possibly early 90's. There was some sexual abuse. For me though the final nail in the coffin was my mum left and got a new boyfriend who had a drink problem and severely emotionally abused my brother and I. I was 12/13 when this started. The constant criticism, humiliation, name calling saying things like 'Only a mother could love that' purposely never referring to me by my name but by swear words or other derogatory forms. Anything could set him off, living in constant fear.

When I was meant to start my life as a teenager I felt totally disconnected from the world like I'm not a part of it, had no social skills, felt utterly unworthy, I didn't understand I was suffering from very bad anxiety, then came the severe depression and of course isolation. I'm sorry to write this but I hated men - I don't now. I didn't know how to start my life but I wanted a life.

The last 3-3.5 years I've had bad depression and was highly medicated and all I was doing was sleeping. I came out of this in August 2018 but I'm faced with the reality I feel like I have no life. Things have improved from childhood/teenage years but it seems to be taking forever and I'm still burdened by no intervention and the devastating impact on my life. The lack of trust/social anxiety and emotional overwhelm have been big hurdles for me.

I feel despair for the loss of a life I've not been able to live and feeling my life has been taken from me. I want all the things everyone else in life has or takes for granted and I know I deserve this. Having said that, does anyone else have a deep rooted feeling that you are not good enough or are undeserving of love? I hate even writing that.

I hope I have not overshared. I'm glad I found a place where we can support each other. I'm glad I'm not alone with CPTSD but I'm sorry there are so many of us who have suffered.