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Indigochild , thank you for your understanding, compassion and encouragement.  And Happy Birthday to you!   

Widdiful Falling thank you!  Happy Birthday to you too   

Perhaps we should start a "It's my Birthday" thread, we are a special kind of family here 

WF, your post has had a significant impact.  It all feels very true.  I definitely do come from a place of desperation and hopeful expectation that any contact can possibly become a friend.  And I'll bet it does come across as fake and uninteresting.  I believe that if I can really begin to feel okay on my own I can let go of that desperation and - you're right, I need to be brave and bold enough to just be me and let the cards fall where they will.  Really appreciate it 

I've never read this before. I totally relate. Life is a thing to be survived, but not really looking forward to death either because, if there is a god we are going to have words. I used to believe, until I got away and was able to see what she had done to me. I want nothing to do with any higher power that lets that kind of thing go on. I feel like I have been abandoned by everyone/thing. I am on my own, and it would be a mistake to ever rely on someone/thing to have my back.

It is helpful to know that this reaction might be related to CPTSD. It means at some point I might be able to see things differently.

I can relate to how you are feeling towards a god that could allow this level of suffering.  I felt that way for many years and know how painful it feels.  I can tell you that this absolutely can shift.  Feel free to PM me if you want to hear about how this shifted for me (I'm currently spiritual not religious). 

Cptsd certainly colors the way we see and experience life, and I'm glad for all of us that as we recover we can see and experience things differently.  Thank you for posting bee; it's very comforting to know I'm not alone in this 

Thanks you so much again for having the courage to write about this Recovery.  I was just rereading the thread and realized I've never said this to anyone before, even my H whom I love and trust more than anyone on the planet (and that's why I never told him), not even in therapy because it sends up a big red flag about possibly being suicidal.  And yet I have carried this thought arounbd for years, that it would good just to have life over and done with.  It's not about wanting to take my life at all, it's about being tired out from having CPTSD and constantly struggling with fear, pain, expecting it, guarding against it as you say Rrecovery - it's wearing, exhausting at some deep level. 

What a blessing it is to share this and be understood and to know that it has allowed you to share this burden with me and others who struggle with this profound weariness - exhaustion on a deep level.  What feels interesting right now is that sharing this has shifted this a bit for me already.  One thing I'm aware of is that I seem to be conceptualizing my life through the lens of the pain and difficulties and not balancing that out with remembering the "good times" fun, laughter, adventure, successes.  Though they were the exceptions and the really tough times have been the rule, they are there and it's worth it to keep this in mind.

FWIW I do take the flashes or glimmers I get every now of what  life is like without the weight of CPTSD dragging me down every moment as a hopeful sign that my will may have been beaten down, but it's not gone and maybe is slowly beginning to reignite as I recover - like an unhappy engine on a really cold day that turns over but doesn't catch for a bit.  It's intriguing enough that I am beginning to wonder what's around the corner, maybe it isn't just more of the same,  of days that basically I  just have to plod through.

I love this! It's not that I have no will to live but that it's been beaten down to where I can't feel it.  I, too, have glimmers of life feeling different.  So grateful to be sharing this journey with you. 

Thank you Kizzie, your response feels very comforting and encouraging 

I dread my birthdays and feel so relieved when they are over. For many years I was suicidal on my birthday; but it's been a few years since that's been the case.  For me it brings up a lifetime of having a family that wasn't there for me.  Some years none of them acknowledged it at all.  *?!  Finally I told them, "if you don't acknowledge my birthday I won't be acknowledging yours."  Then I followed through with it.  And they were so surprised and dismayed    Pretty soon they were busting their a**es to remember and acknowledge my birthday    But *?!  In the past I'd get triggered when someone's family really celebrated their birthday; I'd nosedive into a deep depression (which would totally catch me off guard) and take a week to come out of it.  It just triggered despair around having such a neglectful family.  They have improved as the years have gone by, which I'm grateful for.  But every year there is the fear of whether they'll remember, and whether I'll feel depressed/despair or not.

Thanks for the thread.  Feels good to share about this 

I don't know if this is progress or a regression but I have decided to stop seeking after a relationship or friends.  I sort of feel like I've given up.  At the same time, I think that perhaps I need to focus on myself and do some more healing before pursuing relationships.  Since I left my marriage I have been obsessed with finding a lover and making friends; just terrified of being alone and feeling so lonely.  At the moment I don't feel lonely.  I feel like I just want to do my own thing.  I want to be free of the stress of trying to relate to people when inside I'm so sad.  Both knees are disabled right now so I can't really do much and it's causing me to be very depressed.  I'm just tired of faking my way through "being friendly"  "meeting new people" and "dating."  I'm an unhappy person who has no interest in Life.  That's the truth and I'm tired of pretending otherwise.

Perhaps this time really will be healing, because I'm focusing on myself instead of running from myself through desperate attempts to make friends.  My intention is to try to reconnect more deeply with myself and try to attend to the issues, thoughts and beliefs that are causing me to be such an unhappy person.  I'm still in therapy, and will continue to interact with my sister (who's in recovery).  Maybe I just need to rest, less pressure.  This is either a good thing or not; time will tell.

On Friday I was lying in bed and I laid one leg bent across the other and BAM my other "good" knee got triggered.  Now I have two knees I can't walk stairs with.  Also, this means that neither knee responded well-enough to PT and I'm looking at 2 knee surgeries to become fully able again.  I've been in a EF since then.  No matter how "good" I am, I "get hurt" just lying in bed minding my own business.  I fear my knees.  I fear moving.  I feel despair.  I want to see the light at the end of the tunnel and it just seems to get further and further away. 

Sorry I'm so negative about all this    This seems to be my Achille's heel; it has just slammed me down on the mat.  I did have a positive thought about it; if I can somehow find a way to be okay in this; then perhaps I will have developed a new level of strength and resilience.  I'd rather be okay than no okay, so I'm going to do my best.

I admit, that I also think that once I learn to be okay with this Life will just find a bigger Achille's heel in me to trigger, so I can continue to "grow" because life is all about growth right?  Sorry, pretty cynical at the moment 

This is a quote from marycontrary on the thread entitled " How do we know we're not borderline?"

I read on a site whose link I got here the differences between the two. The biggest thing is that with CPTSD, your belief in life itself is shaken to the core. Being so abused and betrayed, it is easy to see how a person might question god's prevalence, or even existence itself. Might even think god hates you, that you are the butt of some evil practical joke by a sadistic higher being. You ego has been shattered.

Also, there is an added paranoid sense with the CPTSDs over the BPDs. CTPSD has a fear of everything trying to hurt them. Like they have lost everything. Been abandoned by god, the family, maybe the political state. Pure BPDS,  fear abandonment by other people, not necessarily abandoned by god. CPTSD has been abandoned, like biblical Job, by everything, including god.


I believe that this is at the core of my lack of will to live.  I do not trust Life; it has proven that it cannot be trusted.  When a person proves to me that they cannot be trusted, I'm done with that relationship.  So I guess I have done this with Life; it proved it can't be trusted so I'm done with that relationship.  I don't wish to hurt anyone by ending my life, also I am very helpful to others and care enough to continue helping, so I stick around.  But I'm not here for me.  I want to to be completely DONE with life.  So I plod through my days, knowing eventually it will be over.

I see that I am very broken in this way, and I want to fix this.  I deserve to experience Life in a different way and I am determined to get there.  Somehow, I must reconcile what happened to me when I was powerless to do anything about it, with Life being trustworthy and worthwhile.

I feel very grateful for the replies to this thread.  I was apprehensive about posting it; it is this heavy burden that I can never speak of because it disturbs people and/or they don't get it at all.  So thank you 

Bee: Most of my life I've viewed the future as "I have x number of years to get through." Is this what you mean?   Yes, that's exactly what I mean.  And the plodding, good word.  I persevere, am successful in my field, am generally respected and liked, am physically fit, am an artist and a musician - yet it feels like plodding - except for brief/fleeting moments here and there.

Kizzie: Whenever I watch a apocalyptic show like Walking Dead, I find myself wondering why the survivors are trying so hard to live.   I am amazed at how common it is for people (even those who are suffering in horrendous ways) will fight to stay alive.  I'm glad.  I like knowing that life feels so precious to most people.  I wish it could feel that way to me.  My self-esteem is rock solid, but this is the one thing I know about myself, my dirty little secret, that I tend to hide and feel bad about.

As you say Bee it's more of a plodding through life, struggling against the inner and outer demons. I find this surprising in myself given I have a great marriage, wonderful son, good career, but most of life has been about working, struggling - surviving.  I'm sorry to hear you deal with this too, but you sharing it with me feels very helpful, I am not alone; indeed I am in very good company. 

What you said about surviving vs. thriving makes sense.  Perhaps that's it; I'm still in survival mode, even though my life is blessed in many ways.  I feel like at any moment I can be plunged into a miserable existence I can't escape from (like my childhood) so I can't relax and enjoy the ride.  Perhaps if I can address this, I could have a will to live.

Keepfighting: I'm glad you are trying to discover what your true interests are, knowing and living these out certainly helps with the enjoyment of life.  still too afraid to trust the peace and simple joy - but the few I've had make me want to go on looking for them. I hope we can all get there...    Me too 

I haven't had a will to live as long as I can remember, at least 30 years.  I am not suicidal.  I am willing to live, but don't really want to and haven't most of my life.  I'd really like to fix this if possible and have been working at it.  I become healthier and my life becomes better in many ways, but I have no more of a will to live.  I know people who have suffered/are suffering more than I have/do and they have a will to live.

We've all been through *; most during our formative years.  I'm curious if there are others who are not suicidal but don't experience a will to live.

I'd also like to hear from people who have a will to live; can you describe what drives your will to live?

A good therapist will not see you as a problem to be solved, but a person who needs and deserves care.

Hi Sandals, Thank you so much    I'm amazed at all of us, our perseverance.  I feel like I've had to push hard all my life to try to go about the business of living AND recovering from such profound mental/emotional/social/relational injuries, at the same time.  I think this has disposed me to pushing too hard towards my goals and not do so well at being present and accepting of the present moment.  I've believed (rightly) that things were not okay for so long, that I find it hard to ever believe/feel things are okay.  The warrior in me is a force to be reckoned with, for sure.  Right now my warrior is rebelling so hard against my latest setback with my knees.  I have this low-level despair and not-okay-ness constantly.  I haven't been able to meditate worth a darn.  I think I need a sitdown with my warrior to make it clear that what I want more than anything is to feel and be okay whatever may be happening in my life.

Hi Trace, I haven't tried it in therapy, but I've experienced it at a demonstration.  Seems hypnosis is deep relaxation, and I definitely like that part.  My guess is that a gifted hypnotherapist could be helpful, but IMHO would also need to be a skilled psychotherapist as well.  Any special modality takes time away from relating with the therapist.  The quality of the therapeutic relationship is the most beneficial part of therapy. So it's important to be wary of therapists who are too technique oriented.

Great thread, appreciate everything that has been said.  I believe that it's a delicate balance of the past, the present and changing habits. 

I also strive to practice mindfulness.  I see lately that I allow trauma and restlessness to divert me from staying present.  I believe that if I could stay present through greater levels of discomfort, I'd not only strengthen my ability to stay mindful, I'd also have a therapeutic breakthrough.  Such a difficult and delicate balance.