Hello,
I have been working on my healing and recovery for 30 years. A month ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD. The diagnosis has helped to clarify a great deal – especially why my recovery has been such a long and complex process – and I am still not "there."
"There" for me is the tipping point in my recovery when life feels like it is "worth" living, i.e. less suffering and despair and more peace, joy, happiness and connection. I don't remember having a will to live, but I am willing to live and curious just how far I can take my recovery and if I can actually get "there."
My stats are: mother BPD with Narcissistic features, dad Schizoid PD with Narcissistic features. The "social skills" I was "taught" were atrocious. I was the most hated kid in school – elementary through junior high. The summer before high school I started smoking pot and when I got to high school the stoners let me "party" with them; it was an immense relief. (I was a stoner for 17 years)
First husband was a Sociopath, the second a Narcissist (left him after 2 months). My third husband is a good man who has Asperger's. We were married 18 years. The lack of warmth, empathy and emotional availability was traumatizing for me throughout the marriage. We ended our marriage 3 years ago. It was devastating and tragic because we were great together in so many ways and he was willing to get help, but alas at his age his Asperger's prevented the necessary changes. I was physically ill my entire marriage (I have a somatitization disorder). Staying with him was literally killing me. I divorced a good man who I love to save my life. So now I find myself single at 55.
I have struggled financially my whole life. I have been trying to recover for 30 years. But I have only been able to afford therapy about 12 of those years. I chewed the leather a lot when I was in desperate need of help but could not afford it. I went through Bradshaw's book, "Homecoming" on my own about 23 years ago and it was the beginning of true self-acceptance, self-love and self-care. That part of my recovery has been successful. But I am still a deeply traumatized person. I get triggered daily in small ways and often in significant ways. I need a lot of down time to rest my nervous system and avoid stimuli. My financial situation has recently stabilized a bit and that helps – financial trauma has been profound in my life.
The biggest piece for me right now is the need for deeper, more resonant connection with others. I have friends, good-hearted people every one. But they do not really understand what it's like to live life as a traumatized person. I hope that being a part of this forum will help me to address this need.
Thank you for reading my intro – it's sad and complex but well intentioned – like me
I have been working on my healing and recovery for 30 years. A month ago I was diagnosed with CPTSD. The diagnosis has helped to clarify a great deal – especially why my recovery has been such a long and complex process – and I am still not "there."
"There" for me is the tipping point in my recovery when life feels like it is "worth" living, i.e. less suffering and despair and more peace, joy, happiness and connection. I don't remember having a will to live, but I am willing to live and curious just how far I can take my recovery and if I can actually get "there."
My stats are: mother BPD with Narcissistic features, dad Schizoid PD with Narcissistic features. The "social skills" I was "taught" were atrocious. I was the most hated kid in school – elementary through junior high. The summer before high school I started smoking pot and when I got to high school the stoners let me "party" with them; it was an immense relief. (I was a stoner for 17 years)
First husband was a Sociopath, the second a Narcissist (left him after 2 months). My third husband is a good man who has Asperger's. We were married 18 years. The lack of warmth, empathy and emotional availability was traumatizing for me throughout the marriage. We ended our marriage 3 years ago. It was devastating and tragic because we were great together in so many ways and he was willing to get help, but alas at his age his Asperger's prevented the necessary changes. I was physically ill my entire marriage (I have a somatitization disorder). Staying with him was literally killing me. I divorced a good man who I love to save my life. So now I find myself single at 55.
I have struggled financially my whole life. I have been trying to recover for 30 years. But I have only been able to afford therapy about 12 of those years. I chewed the leather a lot when I was in desperate need of help but could not afford it. I went through Bradshaw's book, "Homecoming" on my own about 23 years ago and it was the beginning of true self-acceptance, self-love and self-care. That part of my recovery has been successful. But I am still a deeply traumatized person. I get triggered daily in small ways and often in significant ways. I need a lot of down time to rest my nervous system and avoid stimuli. My financial situation has recently stabilized a bit and that helps – financial trauma has been profound in my life.
The biggest piece for me right now is the need for deeper, more resonant connection with others. I have friends, good-hearted people every one. But they do not really understand what it's like to live life as a traumatized person. I hope that being a part of this forum will help me to address this need.
Thank you for reading my intro – it's sad and complex but well intentioned – like me