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Wow! Thank you for showing the way, CPTSDchild. And yes, I'm with you, as I'm sure we all are.

It takes so much fortitude to endure some of the slop people try to lay at the feet of someone they'd rather intimidate, humiliate, and shame with their false notions of superiority. As if we are so weak by virtue of having endured some awful circumstances that we fell victim to through no fault of our own.

I've been in that position, too. Run into someone who seems like they can be trusted, then they try and turn the tables on you, often starting with fake sympathy which quickly turns to blame. So often I just turn away, afraid of my own anger at having to explain and afraid of losing it entirely, which only reinforces their contempt. Then they try and explain your whole life for you, how you don't live in reality, should just get over it, etc. Yet you, CPTSDchild, found the strength to say enough is enough.

Trouble is, it's natural to want to reach out, to find understanding. Like you say, one's best healing comes from within, but it sure helps to have someone to support you, and not have to wonder if they'll turn on you just because you admit that, yeah, it's scary and it hurts, a lot. To show that it's not weakness to feel that way; just honest.

You summed it nicely by saying, "We have to reclaim and love ourselves enough to go through a small amount of pain, instead of jumping back into the frying pan of emotional * and having our spirits torn apart once again."

Thanks again. 

T's aren't perfect, and for some reason get off kilter. Unfortunately, they slack off, choose to play judge and jury, and manipulate situations for their own, often hidden, purposes. That's awful. Abuse of the trust you placed in her is a sham. Enough of her, but you are to be congratulated.

You trusted yourself in the end, and while it didn't spare you the pain of what she probably thought was pretty crafty, showing your courage here is truly inspirational. You wrote: "I need to simmer down." That's for sure, but better than that, it's important to note that you did exactly what you needed to, and in the end proved that you had the trust in yourself to act accordingly.

Thank you for showing your beautiful spirit. 

                                   

I'm sure there are other threads about the T relationship, but Trace and DaisyMae brought it up here, which tweaked a thought I've had over years of being with various T's.

Mainly, I've noticed that the T's who were most helpful were the ones who hadn't spent their entire professional lives as T's, at least getting out of their own closed fraternity for a bit of fresh air. Seeing what the world their clients was really like first-hand, instead of solely relying on their own packaged education or pet projects as the basis on which to interact.

Just one example--I had a T who spent almost the entire time we had together trying to fit my issues into her master's thesis concerning life scripts. Pages and charts from it were always at hand, ready for referral, as she was convinced it was THE way. It was sorta interesting, at times, but mostly it resembled trying to fit round pegs into square holes or vice-versa. I as the client was left feeling like I was just evidence to insert into a pre-ordained theory, which even if true, as she was intent on proving, didn't exactly make me feel better; just used. It was nuts.

So I guess what I'm saying is, when scouting out potential T's, it might be important to determine if they've been out of their ivory towers long enough to encounter life outside the box. 

Dissociation and trust (whatever that is).

My whole life has turned into a dissociative carnival, funny if it weren't so sad. All I care about anymore is being alone with my books, music, cat, cabin, and woods. I suppose this makes me sound like a withdrawn hermit, but if so, I'm a pretty well-read sociable one, according to many who've known me and actually admire my "perfect" peaceful life.

But what always happens just happened again, and I'm wondering why I even bother trusting people anymore. A huge trust event of recent days has thrown me back into my "fine, I'm very good at this isolation bit" way of being. This has always been my only reliable safety net, and I don't want to try the trust game again just to get burned and used. It's just repetitive and I'm okay without it. Except I wouldn't be writing about it if it was that crystal clear, would I?

Some would call this a retreat. But, as Trace says, I'm too tired dealing with it anymore. I just feel so sad when my trust in people has been shattered, again by the same old narcissistic sorts who couldn't care less about what they've done anyway. I may just be at the point of not trying anymore, and perhaps my hard work at self-acceptance need go no further.

La, you ended with this:

"Yet, I want to be whole again. I want to remember what joy feels like, or even just a sincere belly laugh once in a while. I want to feel safe.  I want to feel love. Today, I have the will to work on it."

Wanting and being open seems to be a key, but it's hard to unlock, as the negative voices/visions keep trying to overtake the progress one makes. I have an extreme case of that going on right now; there's a war in my head over something that happened in the last few days. But I'm trying along with you to find an attitude of wholeness to carry me through.

Having the will to work on it is a great start. But even there, I'm reminded of a little 3-word saying that has helped me in the past: "Play with options." The concept of work can drain one's energy quickly. The play/open option is a huge part of recovery, I think, and contains the joy we're desperate to rediscover.

It may not even feel like joy at first, but knowing it's an option and we're really free to reach for it can be a huge help. When we're young, it can feel like our natural play is stifled and closed off to us. But now we can feel open to find it. I hope you find a way to that joy again

La wrote: "[there's] an avalanche of images in my head. They move so fast that I can only get slight glimpses of the memories.this leaves me so confused state, not fully understanding anything that is going on anymore. The thoughts make no sense but they certainly carry enough to leave me broken everyday.
Is this normal?"

I haven't experience precisely the phenomena with the boxes of pics, but I have definitely had similar ones, and they happen lightning fast as well, and feel oppressive in a short span of time. In my case, it's kind of free-floating scenes, often with voices, very vivid scenes rushing by.

One way I eventually dealt with it better started via a dream that ended with a vivid waterfall image (I'm very outdoor-oriented). The water torrents crash over relentlessly, including all the rapid visions; what's different lately is that sometimes I can tell that the scary parts only make up a portion of the cascading water...there's lots else in there, though I can't make it out...it gives the feeling that all that pressure, even the scary torrents full of the bad parts, either flow on or dissipate into a mist.

The image was strongest one night during a dream in which I was being chased downriver in a canoe...along with the images and voices was a sense of a huge pressure, like the loud roar of the falls; at last I could see the waterfall from a more peaceful perspective; viewing it from a distance, as if I'd made an escape, which felt a lot better. The dream faded with the sense I was being comforted by a person, a friend I'd never seen in waking life. Now, I sometimes consciously try to capture that scene when I feel the pressure mounting via an EF or other trigger situation.

Normal? The rapid flashbacks seem common in a lot of what I've read. I guess it's for each person to realize how/if they can find a way to lessen the terror they cause. In my case, it wasn't anything I was conscious of or trying for, so I have no idea as to any mechanics (meditation, etc) associated with it. Something I heard recently also helps and I try to insert it with my waterfall motif--a saying I've probably heard hundreds of times, but only recently did it click for me: "This too shall pass."

Hi, No_More_Guilt.

It feels stupid to  say "I know the feeling", but it's truly all I do know. This is the worst pain one can experience..the emotions are shot, but you're expected to somehow carry on. The emotions cascade like a waterfall, pounding onto the rocks of your grief.

You asked if it gets better...well, yes, but that only sets up a future maybe time, and you're here, now. The somedays are nice to think of, but you need so much more, now.

You just showed your strength in the now, though. You asked for help. That is already pointing the way out. You wondered:

"Will it ever get a bit better? Will I ever learn to cope? I just feel like I should be making progress, but things seem to be getting worse all the time."

It is better already, but it might not seem like it; having asked was the first step en route to the better. Even on this site, which can be hard to fathom, with all the grief that lands in these postings, you had the spark and the courage to ask. And it doesn't get any better than that.

I like metaphors, symbols that point to a way out. And looking above, I made a comment about the emotions coming as a waterfall, pounding on the rocks of grief below. So, if you'll let me, I'd like to expand the metaphor and imagine what happens once the water pounds down...it looks for, and always finds, an outlet.

The outlet becomes a river, and eventually reaches the sea, where it's absorbed into the essence of the ocean, finding its natural home, where its strength is restored, and keeps getting better.

I'm sorry I only have words, when you need this more:
                     

Thank you for being here, no_more_guilt.

I don't know--I think the doubts and fears are the real normal, and odd and scary as it seems, are probably a  sign that things are headed in the right direction.

I say that even though I'm petrified of full healing, too; especially if it meant huge changes. Then again, so much of that fear is because I've done so well to build a life away from the strife and turmoil that it's all I know. And trust.

To me, anyway, the scariest people were always those "normal" sorts who knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that they were always right, the world was this way, etc. They had no doubts, and were abusive and petty and horrid in their certainty, to the point of seeking to destroy everyone around them. I'd rather have doubts than be like that. 

But beyond that, change is the only steady, at times. Just in the few seconds it's taken to read this, things have changed—you've taken another breath, a cloud passed over, etc.  In the case of cptsd, we get used to the disappointment defining our life, and there's so little help that seems real, it feels safer to stay put. We want certainty to proceed, but forget we're now able to at least hope, even a tiny bit, that this time the change will be the good kind we deserved then, and are ready for now.

Way easier said than done. Still, even if the changing clouds look dark, there's glimmers of light poking around the edges, suggesting changes in the pattern may be occurring. Maybe those glimmers of light will change everything and a glorious blue sky will burst forth.

Sasha,

For me, the fatigue factor is huge, and it takes a heavy toll dealing with that burden of pain, shame and especially people who take advantage of those they consider to be weak.

Something you wrote especially struck me. You said: "I've got to face facts though, don't I? The brave people aren't coming [to rescue me]. There isn't anyone who is going to get the bad people." The facts are that you ARE that brave person you're seeking. You demonstrated that by showing the true courage that starts from the depths of feeling vulnerable and taken advantage of. The bad people could never match that bravery--they only knew how to destroy, and they're the shameful ones.

And you found refuge here, and with your T, too. You felt safe and strong enough to share and ask for help when you truly needed it. That's the real mark of that brave person you're seeking. So thank you ! We all have days when the fatigue falls heavy; but also times when we can rediscover the vast sense of power these four words can bring: Be Kind to Yourself.   

I was frantic this morning...my recurring "why is this stuff still happening" thought floated through along with the familiar "will I ever heal" lament.

A little later I wandered onto a web site and found a link about a fresh perspective on healing...so I took a look and it dovetailed with what I needed to hear, to be reminded of, so I thought I'd share it here, where so many of us are searching for that elusive healing...here is the link:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRLKZN1LRFM

Ah, the OC/IC dance. A familiar one when I was young, but I was lucky enough to escape the dance hall via some good fortune. Physically I may have found the exit, but the emotional aftermath wasn't so easily discarded.

For me, the FOO was bad enough, but it was only one side of a sharp two-edged sword--the other being an awful high school I attended (supposedly religious/idealistic, but really it just covered their hate and spite). Making matters worse, I ended up there on my own volition...double whammy--I chose the place myself (the parents couldn't have cared less), and it was Critic City, so my OC/IC dance involved transferring all the negative emotions around in a cruel circuit--them to me, me to them (mostly inward/silent, as showing true sadness/anger etc. was dangerous).

Graduation was the ultimate escape hatch there, but the OC/IC issues have continued to thwart my emotional life. It seemed like all trust of people has been gone ever since--hyper-vigilance reigns supreme. Another after-bomb was the guilt--I'd chosen that woeful place...all by my silly self. I would drag that emotional guilt and self-hate around for years. I was ashamed to the point of not telling anyone I'd attended that cesspool, and steered all talk of my FOO well to the side as well.

One FOO person has tried to get to me over the years, but I've stuck with a NC/LC stance that's worked for the most part. Along the lines of enough-is-enough, I had to honor my feelings and stay distant--helped in large part by a job which brought me to better circumstances but didn't eliminate the ingrained people issues either (although it was a people-oriented job). Those problems seemed to fester over the years, although it wasn't so obvious why, having left the FOO/school monsters in the rear-view mirror. My a-ha moment occurred when I realized that looking in that mirror had been the problem all along. When I could tear my view away from staring in the mirror, I'd avoid going in the ditch.

Following Walker's suggestions, I'm better able to handle the extreme anger I still have; the other equation--the grief--has always been there, but I avoided the anger part. What a crock--denying the anger just keeps it tucked in, where it pecks away at your progress and you end up in a loop that gives your power away again, and you turn the anger on yourself, and here we end up repeating the OC/IC dance.

Oddly, a lot of my painfully slow recovery from the dance has involved more giving up than overtly trying new steps. I guess what helped the most was just surrendering to the attitude that I'm free, always have been, always will be, and it's real and true, and key to the peace I've always sought. And I've left the dance floor; the only thing pulling me back is habit, and that's receding if I truly accept my freedom to do so. Sounds simple--until the next EF or bad dream or plain old fear shows up and says "hi there--me again".

It's never easy to sort out the complications thrown our way via the FOO scenarios. It flies in the face of social norms that emphasize family at all cost. So "they" say--but it wasn't true for me, so I wandered off the expectations radar, if not fully out of the emotional turmoil left in its wake. I wish you well as you sort out your path. 

BlackPanther, this is spot-on, directly related to cptsd, and stands out beautifully in the confusing maze of self-help gurus and celebrity authors carried away by their slick marketing images. This video is a perfect antidote to the noise that's passed off as must-do techniques promising  magical results. As he points out, those may even work for many; but cptsd is a condition requiring a different approach and he calmly explains why. Gee, he even dares to show a refreshing sense of humor.

Thank you!!!  

I've spent decades wishing I could "get over it". At times I naively believed that maybe I could. Taken literally, that saying can add yet another layer of guilt on top of whatever else one is "not getting over". It suggests that the recipient  must indeed be incompetent, defective, and inferior, not one's fellow human being with real feelings.

"Getting over it" is irrational; it only sounds good, and seems safe, I guess. It's an easy-answer stab at phony empathy but can unknowingly inflict more damage. Obviously we try to claw our way back as best we can, and we grudgingly try to accept what we can't truly change. This stuff was deeply implanted and can't just be shrugged off. Not acknowledging the pain can throw one into denial, creating still more problems.

You don't need to just "get over it". You need a 

Having been to 9 therapists (I may have counted wrong), I think I've learned one basic theme should I travel that route again. And that's to ratchet down any specific expectations, but approach it in more of a spirit of adventure.

Some T's were good listeners, a couple spent loads of time pushing their pet agendas, and a couple might as well have been blank walls. Mind you, I've a high IC/OC quotient anyway, so that factors into all of my interactions, for better or worse. I keep looking. But like one thread on this forum says, I feel like I need a T to see a T.

Currently I'm thinking online therapy may fit my needs better. I tend to freeze out and end up more frustrated than helped in live sessions, it seems.

I did at least find a dandy article on what a really cool therapy relationship would look like, so I'll leave you with this link:

http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/writings/therapy-without-a-therapist/ 

Awakening Eagle--your name is a fantastic starting point--soaring above the fray, then cycling down to where you need to be. The wind shear is a bit rough, but your eagle spirit will guide you home.

You said that you ..."just feel scared to the point of paralized. Is this how it is for everybody?". For me it sure is—that numbness is very familiar. I've been on the cusp of giving up loads of times. Scared is key, too—but I've also learned to flow better with it. Somehow I'd cycle back to hope, and strange as it seems I'd make the most progress when I stopped searching so desperately. Relaxing the mind does wonders, and its odd how much effort it takes to do that—the journey is full of these paradoxes that don't even make sense. I still look for a way out of the pain and crippling symptoms of cptsd, but I seem to have eased up on the desperate part. I feel more open to knowing that this is a process, not a destination. Notice I said more open, as I still just wish it would all float away.

Trusting yourself, your eagle's way, indicates you may well indeed be finding your own road out. I had to clear a lot of brush to find a way, and I still need to have the pruning tools ready.

It's good to see you here.