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I've been up/down/in/out with talk therapy. I think I've seen a total of 9 T's , my last terminating (by me) last December. I found the experience to be a mixed bag, which I suppose only confirms what Walker says when he wrote that freeze types have a hard time staying with "live" therapy. Yup; that's been my experience. On the other hand, it's not like I didn't try—I just ran into some real doozies. I've also had some real confidentiality probs which I outline on a separate thread.

I did have one excellent T—the one who noticed that my issues were indeed ptsd/cptsd related. Unfortunately, that round was cut short due to that T moving out of the area. Since then, I've been hugely disappointed in what passed for therapy. In this remote region, there aren't really any viable options left that don't involve more driving than I care to undertake.

Let's see—one T spent most of her time waiting for me to say something; when I had nothing to say, that was the session. I mean, I love silent meditation, too—but it wasn't exactly what it seemed therapy should entail. I really felt confident  when she was surprised to see me one day—I mean I had an appointment, I'd driven 50 miles, and I know it had been set up during the previous visit. And her reaction was "Well, as long as your'e here..." Grrr.

Another T did all she could to fit me into her academic thesis, as if the only reason I existed was to match her pre-ordained version of therapy. I felt like I was just some experimental test-case. Who knows—maybe I made it into a book of hers as an example of how a life script works.

My last T was a charming fellow, but he'd spend half the time discussing the pros and cons of various chainsaws, as he knew I cut firewood for heat. Like, years ago I did. Well, okay; perhaps he thought that was relevant to something, but I sure didn't catch on to what it might have been. And so many of the other sessions were just glorified chit-chats—I'd resort to reading from my journal and he'd nod away; it was almost as if I was his T, not the other way around. Sure I have a tendency to be critical, and sensitive, but the whole approach seemed so weird.

Maybe that was okay—and/or it was what it was, I guess. It certainly strengthened my resolve to research/learn more on my own, and that's pretty much what I do (a lot)--it helps that I'm a voracious reader. Trouble is, I'd been doing that for years anyway. It isn't all bad, to figure things out for yourself. It's just that, well, it would be cool to find a T as well, get another viewpoint, etc. It's good to know, via this site, that indeed some T's can be beneficial and I wish you well with it.

Cuthberta's suggestion to focus and follow your own star resembles what I did, years ago. I was an actor but not in an academic setting. Too convoluted to explain the details, but basically I ended up with a solo project and developed a one-person approach--an act that no one else was doing and that few could duplicate, as it involved some specialized knowledge, too. It was hugely creative and popular, although I have to add that it's solo characteristics were an obvious reflection of my "freeze" cptsd type (I wasn't cognizant of that per se; just aware that I was the most comfortable by myself).

It registered quickly as to why I felt I had to go solo, and it's exactly as you said:  "...I had been reminded of that helpless little girl who never got to say no, who never felt safe speaking her mind. I guess I was in an emotional flashback". Same here.

That didn't stop me from wanting to reach out, but I got burned badly by some people, like you did. In retrospect, I perhaps didn't handle it well, but I was still in a short-term survival mentality. Plus, I had my unique solo gig as fallback, and it worked so it became my pattern. This worked in my professional life but my personal/interpersonal relationships truly sucked. You seem to have some resiliency I lacked, though. And determination to make it work, and follow your muse where it takes you, even if it takes a few teardrops to get there. That's worthy of acknowledgement and  .

Interestingly, I had friends all around, but none that were truly close. I just never let them in, for all the old painful reasons that brings so many to this site as well. Still, I mention a bit of my past just to let you know that a more individualist take, as Cuthberta suggests, might be your best recourse now.

YOUR creativity appears strong, YOU have YOUR strengths to draw on, some of them honed in part by the rough edges of last year's setbacks. As you said, "So this sent me into a major emotional flashback of being isolated and left out of a community of people that I kind of considered a tribe..." Remember, that you also have another tribe of friends here now, that do relate to where you're coming from and what you've endured to get you here. We may be anonymous figures seen only via words on a screen, but we're here.

You also wrote, "I view a lot of people differently now too because they were not mature enough to ask what happened, or they just didn't give a s*** about me." You seem mature enough to know, now, that for a host of reasons your inner guidance has gotten you through a lot so far. I concur with what Cuthberta said so beautifully: "...In turn, spend your time doing what only you can do; that which would be left undone if you did not do it. Find out what that is, and focus on that, and study at the same time."

So don't give up on relationships; seeing some of the old crowd might tweak some rawness, but you ended your post by setting your bar where you want and need it to be, when you said: "I just want to stay focused and if people are meant to be my friends than they will be." Agreed.  . Have a great semester.

     



   

I must have been tired to have forgotten these constituents of my breathing regimen:

...strong coffee--literally saved me when I didn't have my inhaler on a couple of occasions;

...honey--raw is said to be better than pasteurized but in a pinch either has helpled;

...salmon oil helps long-term for omega-3 content--wild-caught is better, though;

...eliminating or vastly reducing breads and especially dairy helped me as well.

I'm not a health nut or food geek, just hyper aware of what can be done to alleviate shortness of breath episodes. Took lots of trial and error to figure much of it--I'm kind of doctor-phobic and live in an area with minimal institutional health options--1 general practice doc for a huge swath of territory--but the peace/tranquility are what drew me initially, so I've paid close attention to living with my breathing probs in that context.


...

So I forgot something else that sometimes helps, but it's strictly non-medical. It's more along the lines of a mantra, and it sometimes come in handy just for general purposes, but it has settled the breathing too, so I'll mention it here.

It just involves two words...one said on the in-breath, the other on the exhale. The words: Peace/Love...I don't usually have a set order as to where I use it, in-breath or out, but interchange them. It can almost seem lost in a real struggle for breath, but I really think it has helped me recover more often than not. It at least reduces the tendency to panic and try for huge breaths, which only exacerbate the problem.

And, during non-asthmatic times, it can relieve the anxiety/stress...say, of a social situation that triggers me sometimes. Only the Inner Critic won't like it, poor guy.

Pretty simple, not a panacea, probably psychosomatic for sure; but it comforts me like nothing else. Peace/Love.

It's just, as you say, "...so effin hard." That's an understatement, but it's also empowering to know that we can even do that, that we can "thrive" as we step out on our own trail of peace.

               

I've stumbled over the idea of forgiveness for years. My biggest hurdle was trying to understand the abusers...yes, there's this, that, the other thing/circumstance that may have determined their actions, but I really can't focus on their stuff and I sure as * don't understand them. As one therapist kept prodding me, "How do you feel, now?" Which was, of course, horrible. Took loads of painful agony for me to realize "they" weren't a direct threat anymore. Unfortunately, the residue of what they did left deep scars and may never cease to have ugly effects. Contemplating forgiveness was just not something I wanted to consider. Until it just kind of floated away, which I'll try to explain.

A couple years ago, inspired by a book I was reading ("The Deepest Acceptance" by Jeff Foster) I kind of swapped out the word "forgiveness" for that of "acceptance". Forgiveness as an action or expression still seems elusive, if not impossible, to me. Acceptance, however, had a better ring; NOT in thinking any of what happened was suddenly alright--acceptance does not equate with approval or apathy. Sadly, the abuse still has crushing effects on my life. The thoughts pore in every day, and I sure don't ask for them to be there. Nor can I shoo them away. I can say I don't want them and they still show up. I can't not accept them. But there's really nothing to forgive, either. Those whose actions fed the thoughts are gone and can't repeat what they did.

For years, I dreaded tackling any form of forgiveness. But acknowledging acceptance creates a space that I can grow into. The bad thoughts still flow in, and I accept that; can't fight 'em off. But they can be followed with better thoughts, like a lovely breeze freshening my soul on its new journey. I don't condone anything that happened, but what can I truly do but accept that it did? If that includes having to say the word forgive, I'm not sure it's even necessary--it's already in the acceptance.

So that's been my approach, not worrying about forgiveness so much as considering acceptance instead. I know it's just words but they helped me find  hope.

Thank you for posting this thread; it's one of the biggest hurdles for many of us, I'm sure. Thanks also for the video link.

This cptsd journey is extremely hard to fathom for so many. Denial is actually pretty easy, if comfort is all there is to life. We all want it, crave it, strive for it, but sometimes it's almost like there's too much and we'll never make it. But we stick with whatever it takes, as you are showing by the courage and initiative shown in this intro.

You've defied a lot of odds to take the steps we really don't wish to, but it's worse if we don't. I had no where to turn when I was young--the abuse was not only rampant from the family, but from a "values" oriented high school. At first I thought the latter was a refuge, and then it too collapsed and my childhood dissipated with it. I was a wreck with no help. Other things soured later, and while I found temporary crutches, and lots of illusions about someday I'll be alright, I've given up on a cure but the healing is ongoing and will never end.

Something you said rings very true for me as well; you said: "...it's hard for me to deal with their shortcomings, because I spent my life watching what was done to me, and its like, everything is a trigger. I thought that everyone was evil, and I am still trying really hard to get rid of that physiological response to society."

I too find it difficult to visit functional families and not recoil a bit. Once I was visiting a friend's family and found it all triggering 'til my friend asked me "what's wrong?" I had no ready answer, and was taken aback myself at how deep my wounds were/are. I note you said your boyfriend was becoming aware of where you're coming from, so I hope that works out for you, and him.

Your T's advice to put some distance between you and your family is well-put...that was really a key for me; first the physical separation itself, but also finding a niche that allowed me to build my creative and emotional side free of all but the memories (which haunt regardless of what I've tried).

Your intro touched me deeply. I hope you can keep on the road, know there may setbacks, but also know that there are others struggling likewise--we never asked for this, but we know we need each other. 




 

Hi,

I've noticed 2 spots you might be able to use:

1. In The Resources Section, the first category is "Books and      Articles"; mostly references to established authors/books but perhaps you could start your own "Writer's Forum" thread there?     

2. In the Community Corner section, there's a Poetry Corner in the Cafe subcategory...although it's listed as concerning non-cptsd, it has items definitely relating to it, including some poetry.

Both of these are accessed by going to the "HOME" bar and scanning down.

Speaking just for myself, I wouldn't mind seeing the type of material in the "Intro/Introductions" category, given that an intro should reflect your essence/core issues, IMO.

Perhaps the administrators will have a word about this as well.

Wherever you post, it's good to see you here

When I've tried to reach out or describe this, the usual reactions run along lines of "we-don't-want-to-know-or-go-there." You're treated as being weak, stupid, or negative. Another barely disguised put-down goes "oh but you seem pretty together". They might as well add, "we thought you were one of us," setting you up for a round of knowing looks as they shuffle you down to the next category of desirability.

Recently a person I sincerely trusted blew it all back at me. I guess the good news is I wasn't devastated, just very hurt. But it has again shot my instinct to want to trust, something I've tried so hard for. I get the message that I should reach out more, and it always seems to shatter anyway.

Mostly I just learn to hush up. I'm already used to being lonely, nothing new there. Just so awfully disappointing,  another closed loop of hurt. What's the point of reaching out when something important to you is considered taboo?

It just sucks that on top of that, the only person you feel "allowed" to discuss it with is someone called a therapist or counselor, and you have to pay them to listen, let alone understand. 

 "It's what you do to get out of the dark that defines you"...Joseph Luzzi

Hi  Heatresistantwings, glad to meetcha as well.

I've been roaming around here for a spell, and I find it a huge help in trying to make sense out of non-sense. Having cptsd is like sorting through a huge attic of junk that needs intense sorting, let alone cleaning, if it doesn't scare one from even trying. It's also rather akin to foraging in a bottomless pit with no idea what's down there.

Like yourself, my intense loneliness is made worse by the bizarre reactions of even some well-meaning people, including therapists, who either don't get it or don't want to. I've found the people on this site invaluable for insights that could only come from people who've been through intense fire but somehow weren't consumed by the flames. OMG, that last, about finding trustworthy people--that's huge, coming from someone who has had a lifetime of trust issues.   

Pat answers to messy stuff is often pretty elusive, but at least you've landed with safe traveling companions who've thrown their judgments overboard. Again, glad to meetcha.   

I think you've hit on something often overlooked, amidst all the pain and anxiety that cycles back and forth with cptsd. And that's an acknowledgment that yes, there's a lot of desperation and of course grief in letting go. We aren't used to freedom. But then on the other hand, the act of letting go some of the mind's leftover cobwebs freshens up the atmosphere. It's like coming into some new territory for the very first time.

At first it's scary, perhaps...I know for me it generates quite a bit of disbelief that there can be a road for me, my talents, interests, etc. That I'm even alright and that there is a place for me. That I can wander free and just be. Sounds wonderful, and then...plonk! I trip over my own giddiness at seeing a world so foreign to the one from where I started. My big hope when the setbacks come is to find the way again and know it's still worth aiming for. Easier said than done.

I love what you said about seeing through to the hope:

"I feel empty and sad at the knowledge that i never developed a good sense of self/ my own personality with the whole gamut of what that entails, but it's also really exciting and freeing that i can now consciously choose who i want to be or finally acknowledge who i am. If cptsd causes a ton of developmental arrests, I guess i'm about to go through my teen years!" 

I was also reminded of something Walker points out in his discussion of the 4f's and how there's actually good traits to them, if we seek to develop them. For instance, I know I'm a freeze type, whom he describes as "aware, mindful, poised/ready, peaceful, and possessing presence." On my best days, yep. Then again, I easily fall off the wagon into lonely isolation, high dissociation around people, and a ready retreat where I can hole up for days.

Finally, following our trail into the fresh landscape, perhaps we can find what Henry David Thoreau discovered: "I did not wish to live what was not life."

I had similar experiences as a kid, short of the jerking sensation, but my memory is not sure on that score either. 

What I definitely recall is that the sensations produced what felt like an enormous pressure, like something was in my head that was so heavy...but light at the same time. I wasn't epileptic, and I didn't pass out, but definitely felt dazed, felt like maybe I would.

I've no idea why this may have happened, but I also feel maybe I'm too afraid to  even want to know. Just the memory causes me to freeze up and/or want to do something to avoid remembering any more than that.

Sorry, I don't think this probably helped; but I just wanted to share that yes, my kind of seizure feeling could have been what's labeled dissociative, I guess. Definitely felt bad, but oddly blank too. As an adult, it's never happened quite like that, but I often have what can only be called dissociative reactions to various trigges and EF's. 

Brick, I noted the way you spoke in reflecting on something I also experience...you said:

"Difficulty is later, when one learns I freeze, and won't answer the phone because of the soul-crushing criticism I'm certain is on the other end. Misunderstandings...", and you added..."So very, very, very, very, very hard to get out of my own way."

Yep, usually I'm right back in the shell feeling that I couldn't have been liked, that they didn't get it, they don't know I'm really no good, even if the performance allowed me to access the soul inside, for a change. I'll even question people who insist it was great by quizzing them that "surely there was something wrong?" It slips out so easily--like please knock me down so I know I'm all here. Highly frustrating. I'm so sick of giving my self pep talk: "some day I'll be alright; it'll get better, down the road"...which always seems longer than when I started. And so I drift along, in my pocket of shame.

Hi Dutch. I appreciate your sharing as you explore and sort through the messy memories and try to soothe the sore spots. It did bring to mind, though, my own troubles when I tried to write similar letters to "me".

Long story short, it didn't work for me; instead of rescuing, I felt more crushed than helped. Each time I'd find an image, my hyper-vigilance kicked in and opened up other scars. All I could bear to do was bail/hide/sleep/forget. I just couldn't stay with the depths it opened.

I guess all our paths are unique that way. I needed to improvise a different approach. Instead of letters, I began picturing my life as story; a past-tense story, but with strong effects on my present. And while "I" was in the story, it was more like watching a movie. That I found I could handle easier.

With a movie, one can get pretty wrapped up in the story. And finally the lights come back on, and you find yourself back in the present. The story's memory, though, having been so personal, tends to still grip the imagination. With the movie over, but with my feelings still strong, I began to look more to healing the present, but with a better handle on the story that still haunts me. Sadly, I can't change what happened in the movie, only my reactions to it in the present.   

That's just my take, after I found the letter-writing so scary. Yet for many others, it's a wonderful comfort to be able to do that. Maybe that's another reason this condition is indeed "complex". It isn't easy, any of it, though we wish so hard it were. It seems like there are so many paths to healing; it takes a bit of practice, I guess, to find what fits the best for each person. And even that changes.

I hope you keep finding and sharing your way, Dutch Uncle; I appreciate your fresh and frank discoveries as you circle back and try to make some sense of what was and is pretty senseless.