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I may have interpreted this wrong but it feels like you may feel a little responsible for your Mom staying with your Dad.
Please don't, that's outside your control and a culmination of life decisions that she has made, on her behalf and yours.
It might be good to get some 'Mom / daughter' time separate from your Dad, and maybe some support for you, so that you don't gravitate towards a relationship of that nature

When I dissociate, I tend to not feel connected to my body. It starts off with me feeling like I've got a balloon in my stomach and it's growing.
I'm on autopilot and looking from the outside no one could guess that anything is wrong, I'm a great actor.
I go through all the motions of life, getting up for work, being sociable, and I play the part but I'm numb.
In the meantime I berate myself for pretty much everything, I go out of my way to make myself not feel good enough.
I hide, I crawl into bed, put the blanket over my head and sleep.

That can go on for hours, days or weeks on end. In the meantime I'm on guard not to let anyone know anything is wrong, making sure I play the part perfectly to the outside world. Being that hyper-vigilant all the time is exhausting, and eventually I end getting insane panic attacks.

I am constantly criticizing myself. You didn't eat the right food, you're too fat, you're hair is a mess, your skin is too dry, you didn't do your eyeliner right it looks silly, you should have gone to the shop and bought good food and cooked it and not ordered a take away, you wasted money on that when it could have been spent on this, you should have studied last night you're wasting time. You get the idea.

It's not until I am exhausted mentally and physically, and the anxiety and panic attacks are debilitating, that I start to take care of myself.
I am trying to change that cyclical behavior now by going to therapy, and reading books and joining this website.
I have a deeper understanding now of what the issue is and I am beginning to now build a connection with others, and I am learning to stop feeling the need to be the 'caretaker' in my family, and dealing with the associated guilt with that.

With the encouragement of my SO, I am learning to take care of myself, my body, my mind and MY future.
I still go through the above cycle but now for shorter periods of time, so it is getting better. I am starting to understand my actions now and I'm getting help to change my habits, and deal with my chronic pain from the stress of it all.

I have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks it's a constant battle.

At my best I remind myself of all the positive impacts I've had on other peoples lives, the love I've given, the compassion, the empathy, the time, the respect and the loyalty I've shown. I remind myself that despite my difficult start, I've got this far, that I have a disorder, and I must respect that, as much as if I was ill with the flu, I sometimes need to take extra care of myself so that I can recover.

I am very blessed that  I and my SO have built a deep emotional connection. Even though I still struggle with the security of a relationship and I'm learning to navigate the routines of a healthy relationship. I am learning to be an equal entity in the relationship, with as much value, presence, opinion and responsibility, that this entails. As much as I am learning to love him, I am equally learning how to love myself.

I am not surprised now that I find it difficult to love myself, I don't even know who I am because for as long as I have been living I have had multiple roles dominated by other people. My father's punch bag, my mothers suitcase for her emotional guilt trips and requests, the black sheep of the family, the scapegoat, the fixer in the family, the protector.

I am learning to relate to other people without the need to assimilate to them. I am learning to be myself, as I learn about myself. Me in my own body, I am moving from being stuck to coming of age, finding my own path. It's terrifying at times and I resort back to hiding, but bit by bit I am dissociating less.

Apologies for the long winded reply, I struggle with this too, and it triggers me sometimes.

One slow breath at a time eh

My T mentioned CPTSD to me, and I'm in Europe so I'm assuming its recognized here, but unsure if it's a clinically diagnose-able disorder.

Hi Ajvander,

Thank you for the post. Your story resonated deeply with me, especially the part about your mother alienating your support network, you feeling isolated, you living in constant chaos, and being made to feel like you were crazy or at fault for feeling confused.

My mother was always the victim in every scenario, always the hero, the martyr, the survivor, to the point that ultimately I now feel like I was just a prop in her life story called 'Victim'.

She completely dominated my life, including relationships with other people and even when I was an adult. She did not recognize or respect  boundaries. I too only recently came to understand that I have CPTSD, and it truly was an eye opener for me. This realization was initiated by a few sessions with a trauma counselor.

I also completely understand how difficult it is, when you've been trained all your life not to talk about family problems ( even if your mother tells everyone about her version of events) to share that information with other people so I commend you and thank you.

Sometimes I feel very disconnected from other people, but coming on here and reading these stories (even if I don't comment) I feel less disconnected and feel a deep affiliation with the people who are writing their stories.

I wish you every success with your recovery, you deserve to feel happiness and peace independent of guilt, and control.

Blessings to you also.

i know it probably feels like its one step forward now and two steps back but don't lose faith. You have a name for what's wrong, you have someone you've connected with, its just a matter of filling the gaps until you see your T again. In the meantime it might be no harm to speak to your doctor, and local NHS team by official letter lodging a complaint about the way the service is servicing you as an individual. It may not change the circumstances right now but who knows when reviewed in future it may actually address a valid  point for the way they deliver their service, to make it more successful. It's the same here a 10 month waiting list. Try to reach out and get additional support in the meantime. You're not alone in this, and it is very frustrating but there's hope for the future and that matters, hugs

I've been there and done it. Slept for nearly 2 weeks solid. I was told it's fatigue from my mind being in stress over drive and tiring out my body that just couldnt keep up  and that made perfect sense. Maybe its the same for you I'm not sure. If it is then I truly hope you get some respite from the stress because it is a valid physical exhaustion and you deserve to be looked after too. big hugs

I am so sorry that happened to you. I know you probably feel very alone with this right now but you're not. It might be difficult for you to remember things alone and for that reason I'd recommend speaking to a therapist who specialises in that kind of trauma to help you fit the pieces of the puzzle together. You wonderful soul ,and so brave to reach out and try to get some answers. Many hugs

Its likely they were given to a new family who really wanted them. Sometimes parents do this because it may have been safer for the turtles to be in a new home. From what you say it sounds like they 'disappeared' together and will always have each other, and together, a home where they were loved and cherished.

Hi Eldon

firstly I'm so sorry to hear what's happened to you in the past and now. I know how hard it is to come to terms with so much time wasted not being understood and not understanding yourself. I too have resentment for that reason, so I really feel you on that.
I know what it feels like to isolate yourself, it's not just that people are dangerous, but it's easier to get through the day when you don't have the added work of fawning and freezing to other people to survive. When you already feel so low about yourself, not facing other people helps prevent having to deal with that.

I also idealised my mother, thought of her as the warrior queen, the martyr for our family. I too rationalised her poor decision making on my behalf with excuses, and lived the majority of my life based on what her needs were, like it was my responsibility to 'make her happy' after all ' she had suffered'. That was my role in our family. The guilt for not being able to fix her poor health, mental and emotional problems left after I took her off that pedestal. It finally gave me some courage to start taking care of myself.

I tell you this because you are worthwhile in your own right, you are valued, needed and loved.
With the experience you have in life behind you, and the survival skills you've had to learn you are an amazingly adaptable creature.
Without even realising it you were the 'Warrior', but know now that you are not alone.

I try to remind myself sometimes that, now that I know what's wrong, it will be easier work to try and 'fix it'. That it's just a matter of teaching myself new skills and that I can do this. Even typing this now I feel that ball in my gut because I know how hard it is to manage when all you want to do is hide. You have the weight of the world on your shoulders right now but I promise you spiritually you are not carrying that weight on your own. When I get down or upset I try to imagine what I would tell a friend in the same position, and then apply that to me, because it's easier for me to think of someone else being worthwhile for now.

I know you're tired, you're probably resentful, let down and hurt and you're right to feel this way. However you are the sum of a million more things as well, love, compassion, goodwill, understanding, articulation, intelligence, and survival skills.
There are millions of us all over the world misunderstood, misdiagnosed, but somethings changing and I like to think we're finding each other, and helping each other to work towards a happier, safer, and better life.

Take whatever support you can get, stay safe, and hold on to knowing that better days are coming.

You're not alone

When I explain to people I use the word ' profile'. I explain that where ever I am, what ever I am doing I am consistently profiling my immediate vicinity and humans for signs or red flags of danger.  I explain that it's a safety awareness skill that I have which in a sense serves me well, however it's not something that I can switch off, even when logic dictates there is no danger, and that it can be physically and mentally exhausting. Because I am consistently alert, it  uses a lot of adrenaline, which puts my body at a high stress level ALL the time, and for that reason its a danger to my health. For that reason I have to spend a lot of time practising relaxation techniques etc. (hope that helps)

I'm sorry to hear all this, Dsgirl. That sounds terrible, nobody should have to go through that.
Glad you found your way here.

If you don't mind me suggesting, perhaps try to find a therapist/psychologist to talk to, over a counsellor. At least from where I'm from, counsellors are just there to listen, they can't really provide much in the way of therapy, can't give out medication or anything.
Things will get better! ^^

Thank you for the kind words, I'm going to take your advice and look into that.

Hello dsgirl.

That is a really awful description of your life with your parents.   It must have been even worse to go through all of this in a foreign country,  where you were also bullied at school. I know that feeling that there is no escape from the fear wherever you are, and I know all about the physical and emotional suffering you talk about.  I think most people here have battled with all of these issues.   It's just so tiring and so unfair, isn't it?

I suffered at the hands of a nm and ef for forty plus years and am just getting to grips with all of the trauma over the last year, but I am coping so much better and that is in no small part thanks to the support and learning I have found here.   I hope you find a way through all of the pain and we will all help in any way you want.

Best wishes and thanks for joining OOTS.

Libby.

Thank you for the kind words. I read some of the posts on here and it's the first time I feel connected to anything.
I think I've come to the right place

["Trigger Warning"]

"Trigger Warning"

I can remember the violence in my house from a very young age.
Like my Mum I was always having ' accidents'
I remember my Mum telling me that social workers questioned her at the hospital once after one of my more serious accidents.
When I was young we moved to a different country where I had no family apart from my parents.
Bullied at school and literally beaten in the street for ' being from a different country'
Bullied at home by my violent Dad and narcissistic Mum.
No money to get involved in local clubs, or go places with friends I learned very early on to isolate myself.
In my teens I did speak to a school counselor after a particularly violent encounter with my Dad where I had to go back to school.
I sat in her office until I stopped crying then was sent back to class and told off by the teacher for not having my homework done.
I could hardly tell the teacher that the night before instead of doing my homework, I was holding my bedroom door closed and guarding it so my Dad didn't hit me.

Every single day no reprieve there was constant aggression, constant fear, tenterhooks waiting for the next explosion.
Who would I upset today My Mum who I just couldn't do right by or my Dad who could get angry within seconds.
I used to cut myself, digging into my arms with anything sharp until it bled I couldn't even explain why now.
I hated myself I was never good enough, always had holes in my clothes and shoes, always had hand me downs.
I have even had the pleasure of living in a women's refuge twice with my Mum during my childhood.
I've had a weapon put to my face by my Dad while trying to protect my Mum in my teens.

Even after my Mum left my Dad in my late teens I still didn't realise that she was just as abusive as him.
She had me convinced she was the martyr for our family trying to save and protect it and keep us together.
When I look back now I cannot remember a time even when I was ill that she or my Dad ever just hugged me or was even affectionate. The only time I'd get an I LOVE YOU from my Mum was if she wanted something. I became her 'Rock'.
She became verbally abusive after my Dad left. Not long after our family suffered a loss, I moved out of home but then she asked me to move back, so I did to make her happy and help her out with the bills, but then she would do stuff like leave anything of mine downstairs at the end of the stairs for me to bring to my room. I felt more like a lodger than a daughter, and she went out of her way to make me feel like that. Where as my other sibling was the 'darling', I was always the problem.
She still, even though she's very ill keeps me at that level of relationship to this day.



I'm an adult now, with financial problems, isolation problems, persistent sadness that there is rarely a reprieve from, and the health problems, dizziness, chronic pain and stiffness, tummy upsets, weight gain, headaches, back aches, anxiety, panic attacks, stress, hypervigilance, depression, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, hurt, lack of coping skills and last but not least loneliness.

I'm just discovering why this year and my god it's been an eye opener.
I truly  hadn't realised how badly I had been treated by both parents, and to be honest I'm still coming to terms with it.
I want everything fixed in me right now, and I'm annoyed that apparently I'm left to fix this mess that they've made so I can be happy but if I want to move forward I have to.

I'm so used to being this way now I'm not even sure where to begin. I've started counselling but it feels like my counselor thinks that if I do a few breathing exercises everythings going to be fixed
I got the lecture that holding onto my anger is not good for me and I do know this and I know that I need to heal now but I just can't seem to move past being angry that I'm going through all this and that they don't have to do anything to help fix this.

Well that's my story so far.