"Trigger Warning"
I can remember the violence in my house from a very young age.
Like my Mum I was always having ' accidents'
I remember my Mum telling me that social workers questioned her at the hospital once after one of my more serious accidents.
When I was young we moved to a different country where I had no family apart from my parents.
Bullied at school and literally beaten in the street for ' being from a different country'
Bullied at home by my violent Dad and narcissistic Mum.
No money to get involved in local clubs, or go places with friends I learned very early on to isolate myself.
In my teens I did speak to a school counselor after a particularly violent encounter with my Dad where I had to go back to school.
I sat in her office until I stopped crying then was sent back to class and told off by the teacher for not having my homework done.
I could hardly tell the teacher that the night before instead of doing my homework, I was holding my bedroom door closed and guarding it so my Dad didn't hit me.
Every single day no reprieve there was constant aggression, constant fear, tenterhooks waiting for the next explosion.
Who would I upset today My Mum who I just couldn't do right by or my Dad who could get angry within seconds.
I used to cut myself, digging into my arms with anything sharp until it bled I couldn't even explain why now.
I hated myself I was never good enough, always had holes in my clothes and shoes, always had hand me downs.
I have even had the pleasure of living in a women's refuge twice with my Mum during my childhood.
I've had a weapon put to my face by my Dad while trying to protect my Mum in my teens.
Even after my Mum left my Dad in my late teens I still didn't realise that she was just as abusive as him.
She had me convinced she was the martyr for our family trying to save and protect it and keep us together.
When I look back now I cannot remember a time even when I was ill that she or my Dad ever just hugged me or was even affectionate. The only time I'd get an I LOVE YOU from my Mum was if she wanted something. I became her 'Rock'.
She became verbally abusive after my Dad left. Not long after our family suffered a loss, I moved out of home but then she asked me to move back, so I did to make her happy and help her out with the bills, but then she would do stuff like leave anything of mine downstairs at the end of the stairs for me to bring to my room. I felt more like a lodger than a daughter, and she went out of her way to make me feel like that. Where as my other sibling was the 'darling', I was always the problem.
She still, even though she's very ill keeps me at that level of relationship to this day.
I'm an adult now, with financial problems, isolation problems, persistent sadness that there is rarely a reprieve from, and the health problems, dizziness, chronic pain and stiffness, tummy upsets, weight gain, headaches, back aches, anxiety, panic attacks, stress, hypervigilance, depression, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, hurt, lack of coping skills and last but not least loneliness.
I'm just discovering why this year and my god it's been an eye opener.
I truly hadn't realised how badly I had been treated by both parents, and to be honest I'm still coming to terms with it.
I want everything fixed in me right now, and I'm annoyed that apparently I'm left to fix this mess that they've made so I can be happy but if I want to move forward I have to.
I'm so used to being this way now I'm not even sure where to begin. I've started counselling but it feels like my counselor thinks that if I do a few breathing exercises everythings going to be fixed
I got the lecture that holding onto my anger is not good for me and I do know this and I know that I need to heal now but I just can't seem to move past being angry that I'm going through all this and that they don't have to do anything to help fix this.
Well that's my story so far.
I can remember the violence in my house from a very young age.
Like my Mum I was always having ' accidents'
I remember my Mum telling me that social workers questioned her at the hospital once after one of my more serious accidents.
When I was young we moved to a different country where I had no family apart from my parents.
Bullied at school and literally beaten in the street for ' being from a different country'
Bullied at home by my violent Dad and narcissistic Mum.
No money to get involved in local clubs, or go places with friends I learned very early on to isolate myself.
In my teens I did speak to a school counselor after a particularly violent encounter with my Dad where I had to go back to school.
I sat in her office until I stopped crying then was sent back to class and told off by the teacher for not having my homework done.
I could hardly tell the teacher that the night before instead of doing my homework, I was holding my bedroom door closed and guarding it so my Dad didn't hit me.
Every single day no reprieve there was constant aggression, constant fear, tenterhooks waiting for the next explosion.
Who would I upset today My Mum who I just couldn't do right by or my Dad who could get angry within seconds.
I used to cut myself, digging into my arms with anything sharp until it bled I couldn't even explain why now.
I hated myself I was never good enough, always had holes in my clothes and shoes, always had hand me downs.
I have even had the pleasure of living in a women's refuge twice with my Mum during my childhood.
I've had a weapon put to my face by my Dad while trying to protect my Mum in my teens.
Even after my Mum left my Dad in my late teens I still didn't realise that she was just as abusive as him.
She had me convinced she was the martyr for our family trying to save and protect it and keep us together.
When I look back now I cannot remember a time even when I was ill that she or my Dad ever just hugged me or was even affectionate. The only time I'd get an I LOVE YOU from my Mum was if she wanted something. I became her 'Rock'.
She became verbally abusive after my Dad left. Not long after our family suffered a loss, I moved out of home but then she asked me to move back, so I did to make her happy and help her out with the bills, but then she would do stuff like leave anything of mine downstairs at the end of the stairs for me to bring to my room. I felt more like a lodger than a daughter, and she went out of her way to make me feel like that. Where as my other sibling was the 'darling', I was always the problem.
She still, even though she's very ill keeps me at that level of relationship to this day.
I'm an adult now, with financial problems, isolation problems, persistent sadness that there is rarely a reprieve from, and the health problems, dizziness, chronic pain and stiffness, tummy upsets, weight gain, headaches, back aches, anxiety, panic attacks, stress, hypervigilance, depression, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, hurt, lack of coping skills and last but not least loneliness.
I'm just discovering why this year and my god it's been an eye opener.
I truly hadn't realised how badly I had been treated by both parents, and to be honest I'm still coming to terms with it.
I want everything fixed in me right now, and I'm annoyed that apparently I'm left to fix this mess that they've made so I can be happy but if I want to move forward I have to.
I'm so used to being this way now I'm not even sure where to begin. I've started counselling but it feels like my counselor thinks that if I do a few breathing exercises everythings going to be fixed
I got the lecture that holding onto my anger is not good for me and I do know this and I know that I need to heal now but I just can't seem to move past being angry that I'm going through all this and that they don't have to do anything to help fix this.
Well that's my story so far.