When I think of my childhood I see it as 'weird'. Even when I now know many others who have suffered at the hands of those who should have loved them best -parents of course- I still feel that mine was somehow 'different', strange, as if I went through the strangest experience of all.
I feel overwhelmed when I want to talk about it and I don't know where to start.
Maybe talking about my father, who was the 'neglectful' one whilst my mother had more the role of abuser.
My childhood was plagued by illness. I see why now. My mother was livid with that, though she said, to her dying day, that I 'owed not to be a health wreck like I was destined to be, because of her loving care'... I still feel sick in my stomach when I remember that.
Mother used my childhood illnesses to deprive me of many foods (without any medical advice), especially 'treats' like chocolate, cakes and the like.
Father, who talked to friends and family of how difficult life was since my birth, and how a heavy burden my illnesses were, did nevertheless something very odd from time to time, namely: he took me on outings with him (like going shopping for something), and bought me chocolate and treats, but making it very clear that I should never, ever, tell my mother about it!!!
This sort of weird behaviour continued throughout my young years, and not once, after those 'forbidden foods' did I get sick. That is, in my stomach; I don't really know about my emotions.
I grew up loving my father and being furious with him at the same time. I just couldn't understand why he just couldn't stand up for me, and tell my mother the truth about my health.
Perhaps I am not very sure if I understand his behaviour now. He was a very cultured man, who read a lot and could have great conversations on almost anything. And at the same time he was completely narrow minded when it came to certain matters, such as women rights and especially daughter's needs and rights.
However, he was in thrall of my mother, who dictated her whims to almost everyone, and was prone to extreme rages and emotional abuse. My mother was a narcissist and I believe she also had traces of borderline personality disorder. But this will be another post.
If I am still confused and not very coherent, please understand that, despite years of therapies (some useful and some much less than that), I still feel like a little girl inside when I start talking of these topics. Thanks for 'listening' anyway!
I feel overwhelmed when I want to talk about it and I don't know where to start.
Maybe talking about my father, who was the 'neglectful' one whilst my mother had more the role of abuser.
My childhood was plagued by illness. I see why now. My mother was livid with that, though she said, to her dying day, that I 'owed not to be a health wreck like I was destined to be, because of her loving care'... I still feel sick in my stomach when I remember that.
Mother used my childhood illnesses to deprive me of many foods (without any medical advice), especially 'treats' like chocolate, cakes and the like.
Father, who talked to friends and family of how difficult life was since my birth, and how a heavy burden my illnesses were, did nevertheless something very odd from time to time, namely: he took me on outings with him (like going shopping for something), and bought me chocolate and treats, but making it very clear that I should never, ever, tell my mother about it!!!
This sort of weird behaviour continued throughout my young years, and not once, after those 'forbidden foods' did I get sick. That is, in my stomach; I don't really know about my emotions.
I grew up loving my father and being furious with him at the same time. I just couldn't understand why he just couldn't stand up for me, and tell my mother the truth about my health.
Perhaps I am not very sure if I understand his behaviour now. He was a very cultured man, who read a lot and could have great conversations on almost anything. And at the same time he was completely narrow minded when it came to certain matters, such as women rights and especially daughter's needs and rights.
However, he was in thrall of my mother, who dictated her whims to almost everyone, and was prone to extreme rages and emotional abuse. My mother was a narcissist and I believe she also had traces of borderline personality disorder. But this will be another post.
If I am still confused and not very coherent, please understand that, despite years of therapies (some useful and some much less than that), I still feel like a little girl inside when I start talking of these topics. Thanks for 'listening' anyway!
