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I just came on this site and read your post. I hope you've found some relief. I understand too well how intense that type of trigger is. Seems as if it's one that burns in to our very soul and yes it does cause quieziness as it leaves a fear that never seems to completely go away. I too have have found my own spiritual path but it gets over shadowed by that old fear of wondering if I'm wrong in my beliefs. I find writing my true beliefs on paper helps allow me my beliefs. Even saying a belief out loud sometimes helps. Reinforces that we alone own our beliefs. I do finally see that my families religion was a major source of abuse as it becomes for many. Many hugs for you as you try to heal. 

It's only been a few years since starting to realize that so many of my issues originated from my so called "functional" family. I was taught by my narcissistic mother that any problems within it were from my bad behavior. My older sister is also narcissistic and literally scares the crap out of me. I really feel she's very dangerous and has proven what a threat she is to me. Her seething jealousy of me has been there since I was born. When she feels threatened and looses control of someone she sets out to destroy them. She did have total control of my life but I got it back 4 years ago and yet she is still obsessed with me.

I seem to attract a lot of toxic people. The one person in this town I thought was a real friend did a total discard last month. She has BPD and I should have seen it coming. My best friend lives in a neighboring state but am seeing how she tries to manipulate and control me. Their are 32 messages since last night on my machine and most are from her because I wouldn't pick up the phone today. I went on face book and she had messaged "how is the car---answer the phone!!!"

I feel fortunate to have found this site. Did some lurking through posts today and it does seem like you are a community here. Didn't realize till then it's what I've been looking for. I have never felt safe since moving here. Fear over shadows my very existence. I'm 63 and have never known who I really am. I have a lot of dissociation problems. Must be codependent as I'm a people pleaser who takes too much care of others while ignoring myself plus I'm a recovering alcoholic. Proud to say I have 11 1/2 years sober and want to keep them so tackling the core issues is my priority now My mother and sister started their smear campaign before moving me here. I have no validation of what I have lived through. Much of their campaign has been to discredit anything I might say. I was dx'd with bipolar 1 before moving here and they say I'm delusional if I speak the truth. I've only been delusional a few times many years ago and have never heard of a 15 year long delusion that never changes it's story. I did go through 4 years of therapy plus 2 years in a trauma group. The state put out new guidelines and I no longer meet the criteria to get therapy.

I have started writing the book I've felt has been in me for several years but thought I needed the ending before writing it. Life is an ongoing journey and if you wait for an ending you won't be here to write it. I've written a lot of short stories, some have been published but heading in to new territory with this.

Well the post is getting a bit long. Tend to get writing but can't stop typing. Maybe need to check out that longer post section at times.

Taking it "one day at a time" may have been coined by 12 step programs but feel it's a philosophy for everyone. Sometimes we can only take our day a minute at a time. I've been in recovery from alcoholism for 11 1/2 years but at first thought it just applied to not drinking but sober I started si again. In trauma therapy I stopped that too but learned my coping mechanisms are all tied in to my "flight" response. You are not doomed at all. I still also get that feeling sometimes usually when I'm feeling overwhelmed. I've adapted "one thing at a time" to my day too like just getting out of bed some days. So glad you got to therapy yesterday. sounds like you really got honest with your therapist too. Telling her about your substance abuse is also getting honest with yourself. You are moving forward and that's great. The only way we would be doomed is by choosing to just stay stuck in our trauma and decide to keep living there. This recovery is hard. I keep coming across how healing is often 2 steps forward and 1 step back but you're still 1 step ahead and how it's often just baby steps forward. You took a big step forward yesterday. Taking that walk is very positive. You did something rewarding for yourself. Hugs to you on your new journey