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Growing up, the best I could hope for was to be left alone. I often think of my M as the eye of Sauron. If she were looking at you, you were under a magnifying glass. Everything you did or said was wrong. My siblings and I basically tried to throw each other in her path in order to get away. Anyhow, I view anyone giving me any attention as threatening. If someone asks me if I am ok, I immediately freeze and remind myself not to show weakness in case there is a predator. I so desperately want others to care about me, but I don't trust anyone enough to really let them care for me. Any sign of concern for me is suspicious in itself. My SOT says "why are they thinking about me at all?" Sigh.

Thanks NarcKiddo! I appreciate your perspective.

My wife likes to ask people what has brought them joy lately. And most people actually have an answer! I don't understand that. I don't know if I have ever felt joy. Or, if I have, I don't remember it. At best there are moments of contentment, when active pain is still for awhile. But the emotional suffering is always waiting for me. Growing up the best I could hope for was to be left alone, but I work and have a family and can't be left alone. Which is why there is always pain. I have recently spiraled back into major depression (it comes and goes depending on how well managed my CPTSD is) just in time for the holidays.

I've decided against going to the funeral. I just don't think I have the right motives. I feel like a coward to some degree, but I know that is not true. Nevertheless, I won't allow my M's voice to bully me into putting myself in an unsafe situation. Thank you all for your support.

Thanks Blueberry!

Current thinking: I am capable of going. Physical proximity does not threaten my safety. The question is one of motive. My session with T today was particularly insightful because my little came out to talk and he expressed a desire to comfort M as she deals with the death of her own mother. He seemed indifferent to the death of GM. I can only go if I give up any expectation that anything with my M or other FOO will change. If I go, I go for me and for GM, not for anything else.

Freneticmango, welcome!

I am so, so sorry you had to go through all that you did. And that you are still dealing with the repercussions.

i feel an extreme sense of isolation and like i do not belong or deserve to be in community with other people in my field. i know that i am not special, and that the situation in the united states is treating everyone poorly right now,

I just don't believe this is true. There is no way that you don't deserve community. Humans were made for connection. Like you, I had plenty of violations that turned me off to community. But it is not about what you deserve! And, just so you know, you ARE special! You are the only you there is!

We are here for you. For all of it.

I had a good chat with my therapist today. I am leaning toward not going, but I still haven't decided. I may go visit the grave in a few weeks or a month instead.

Yes, I love All Saints (Nov 1) and All Souls (Nov 2) for that very reason. Thank you!

Thanks Blueberry! I hear you. Going to talk it over with my T in a couple of days.

Thanks Blueberry! The funeral is 350 miles away (550ish km). I think I can make a reasonable excuse. I think I'm just so frustrated that this situation may prevent me from going to her funeral. I hear you about her not knowing if I'm there or not, but I'm pretty religious and want to be there to pray for her soul. I've considered going a week later on my own to her graveside.

I am on good terms with my siblings. My brother and I live in the same town so we were considering going together, but I don't know that he would be unequivocally on my side. Other than my wife (who needs to stay with our children) I don't think I have anyone like that.

I have an appointment with my T in a couple of days and will likely make a decision after that. Funeral is in 4 days.

I have been NC with my uBPm for 6 years. By extension, most of her side of the family retaliated in kind. Her mom (my grandma) died this morning. She was a good grandmother even if (or so I hear) she was a vindictive person and difficult to grow up with. She had bad Alzheimer's and hasn't really been lucid for a decade, so she never really understood the NC. I was largely prevented from seeing her for the last 6 years because she lived with my M's brother. However, my sister has confirmed that I am invited to the funeral. The question is whether I go. It is going to be horribly uncomfortable for me, but I also really loved my grandma.

The kids are 10, 9, and 7. So far I've ignored my grandfather, but if I say nothing my guess is that he will continue to enable her. He knows the very broad outline of my story (I was abused) but doesn't know any details.

For context, I have been NC with uBPm for 6 years. She sexually, emotionally, and physically abused me.

I got a text from my dad's dad the other day. Even though my parents are now divorced, my M still sees her in-laws. He told me that M wanted to see where we lived and so he drove her past my house about. He told me it was time for my mom and I to fix this.

She did not have my address before this. She lives about 1.5 hours away, but my dad's parents live about 10 min up the road from me.

I feel like this is a threat. And now I'm paranoid about her lurking in my neighborhood or trying to see my kids. I don't know what (if anything) to do.

For context: my undiagnosed borderline mother physically, emotionally, and sexually abused me.

Mothers Day is tomorrow and my feelings are weirder than in previous years. For the last five mothers days (this will be my sixth since going NC), I've dealt with flashbacks and surges of anger and elevated SOT. But this time around, though on the struggle bus more than usual, I am surprisingly put together and calm. I've even been entertaining the possibility of reaching out to her. I went so far as to write a letter and to mull over what I would say. Then, for the first time in a long time, I read back through my journals and reaquianted myself with all that I went through. I had forgotten so much of the horror! In healing so much, in having properly integrated my traumatic memories, I forgot just who I was dealing with. I lapsed into a default assumption that my M is someone I should honor. But having been reminded of what I've been through, and having reminded myself that I can expect absolutely nothing good to come from interacting with her, I once again truly remembered why I put the NC in place to begin with. It wasn't because of the abuse I suffered as a child, but it was because there was absolutely nothing about her that had changed, that she continued to treat me poorly, and she was treating my children poorly as well. The NC wasn't punishment for a bad mother; it was self-defense. It isn't that my mother is a bad person and shouldn't be honored so much as it is the case that I, functionally, never had a mother. Even the sweet moments growing up are tainted with her manipulation. Instead of a mother, I had the opposite: not someone who gives, but who takes. Not someone who loves, but who demands love. Not someone who models healthy relationships, but who twists all relationships to the breaking point. She was no true mother to me, and acknowledging that fact is deeply freeing. As I told my T the other day, I have other mothers in my life I can honor: my wife, my dad's mother, my wife's mother, my wife's grandmother, and many friends who are mothers.

Thanks everyone! I had a great session with my T this past week and I'm taking a couple of days off of work next week. I'm also putting every non urgent thing in my life on the back burner and proactively doing things that bring me joy (playing with my kids, drawing, etc) for the next couple of weeks.