Messages

Hello, just wanted to say thank you for your kind messages on my check out post.

I'll be posting again shortly and I'm looking forward to speaking with you all again, thoughts are with you all at this time of year, seasons greetings and best wishes for the new year xxx

Thank you all for your support so far, I'm just taking a time out for a while, need to recooperate and adjust to new medication.

Couple things on the board recently that have been upsetting  , and I just need to tune out for a while.

Love and peace to all, take gentle care, as will I and I shall surely return soon.

xx

I keep hurting myself in the heat of the moment recently, especially if I feel trapped, uncontrollably punching, pinching, hair pulling, and I think its me coping with not cutting. I'm feeling really down, I find myself losing the will to keep going recently. I feel like a failure and there is no point in going to the doctors, because I'm probably not going to get better. An increase in medication will probably help, but its just getting so hard to get through the day.  I've reached out to my therapist to let her know before our session tomorrow but I've not had a reply yet so I thought I'd just post, but idk why. I don't know if it helps at the minute. Sorry if I've not used the board correctly.  My therapist mentioned an attachment disorder, could be something intertwined with everything else's. every time I get a step forward I feel like i'm taking steps back. Is it always up and down with therapy, will it always be like this?

Everything just feels grey and sad. 

I still feel v. alone at the moment.

I'm scared about going to the doctors this afternoon, I'm worried that they wont believe me, the best idea I've had is to write everything down before I go (medication review) . I need to increase my dosage but then again I'm worried it will affect me the same as when I initially started. I didn't feel,  empty and I was in a glass dome watching the world around me.

I'm worried that I'm spiralling again, that I wont be able to stop myself from falling and there wont be any one to catch me. everything keeps going from bad to worse and all I want to-do is cry.



I'm struggling to find the nerve to keep going anymore. So many triggers this weekend.

Welcome to the site  

Wishing you all the best in your journey! 

Welcome Michoacana 

Glad you are here, I'm looking forward to my copy of 'the body keeps the score' arriving!

Best wishes for your recovery, I've found this website really useful, with lots of supportive people and kind words!

  Thank you Blackbird x

[Passing thoughts]

Passing thoughts *trigger warning - Domestic Violence/mentions self-harm*

I've had a lot of passing thoughts this morning about the domestic violence I experienced growing up. So vividly the memories are coming back to me, I've not however become overwhelmed by them though. Today its remembering mum getting drunk at her father's 50th, so drunk she threw up on my poncho in the back of the car on the way home, the car pulled over, and all I can see is the red light from the brake lights illuminating him beating her on the side of the road after he dragged her out the car. I couldn't say anything, but I remember my brother shouting and crying. I remember my nan, (my less than 5ft heroine) dragging him off mum (6ft broad man) getting mum back in the car and informing him he will be walking the rest of the way (10 miles) , I think mum was so drunk that she probably doesn't remember it. But just seeing that snippet of movement, like a movie through the back screen I couldn't see mum, just remember his arm coming back up and down, he was scary in these moments. It makes sense now looking back at my visits to the doctors because of my nightmares and bedwetting up until the age of 14, why this was happening, it's much clearer now. Another breakthrough, another memory I had clouded away, gosh there were many indicators.

Again another moment I could've reached out, but I didn't know I could talk to the doctor privately and request my mum isn't there, I was terrified, Why would they believe a 12-14 year old girl. It was during one of these visits that they found my self-harm cuts, I remember mum laughing. I was devastated, I was a joke and unfortunately I slipped through the nets again.

I wouldn't say I feel at peace, but maybe feeling at peace with my mind to confirm that I was a victim of domestic violence. I've been thinking about my school career, and how this affected me at the time. thinking of how I dropped out of art college because I couldn't cope with my living situation, at this time my Mother was now with her new partner, a lovely gentlemen, someone I could confide in because he too came from an abusive childhood, however I didn't realise until now that it was triggering me. Since going no contact with mother I struggle to think of her fondly, however I hope that he is okay or at least moving forward and growing like I have.

I have a will to help people; I want to help people and soothe them and look after them, like the parenting I never experienced. I want to get better to help other people.

I keep thinking, maybe if I had reached out it would have been different, but again I need to soothe the inner child instead of saying What if, and start to say that she did the best she could with what she was given, She did great to survive.  I find myself saying, 'it's okay little one, I've got you and your safe now' It is completely understandable that because my FOO never did anything about my brothers behaviour/fathers behaviour/ bullying at school, so if these people, the people I thought should protect  me weren't able to/willing to, then why would any of my teachers?

'You've not lost any time little one, I love you and will take care of you moving forward, we can take care of each other' 

I'm ready for the next big step in my recovery regarding my coping mechanisms, I'm so ready to kick * and learn to love myself more than ever before. I'm starting to feel ready to accept that it is okay to let go of my family, not just short term but long term.

A Reminder for the day/week;
Take gentle care of yourself today, Remember to take in your surroundings, enjoy the sun and enjoy being young. Your shoulder has been hurting so gentle exercises and stretching should help, maybe yoga at dusk in the garden to ease your mind and body.

[Counselling session Tuesday 30/05 *possible triggers*]

Counselling session Tuesday 30/05 *possible triggers*

The session focussed on the risk taking behaviour that has been shown, in particular the way in which I spend money, Mind-set when consuming alcohol, previous self-harm behaviours and suicide ideation. And what would I the turn to if any one of these behaviours were removed.

We put these on a scale, on a risk scale to look at how best to start to 'poke' in to each one and how they will affect my mental health in doing so. As the coping behaviours are putting me at risk we also need to see which ones if removed would cause all of them to slide the risk scale to 10.

1-10 scale
5 – Money spending habits/ comfort eating/ punishment re food
7 – Alcohol Consumption – triggers re FOO and their dependency on alcohol
8 - Self Harm – Self harming coping mechanisms (previous behaviours) as this has been replaced by the above.
10 – Constant Suicide ideation with intent.

We need to work on bringing these down effectively and safely. Discussed increasing current medication due to the 'swings' I've been having following counselling (will ensure safer mind set when working with the above)

We discovered that I was hitting a wall towards the end of the session in relation to how these coping mechanisms make me feel and essentially what issue is lying underneath that subconsciously I keep hiding away.

Action Target; Think on these behaviours, note as and when I can acknowledge them and feel around the thought process at the time, in a safe environment. Alternatively just note the random thoughts pinging across at the time so that we can establish a starting point.

Actively acknowledge the frustration that my partner is feeling; firmly confirm that I do not wish to speak above the above during car rides due to traumatic events and due to FOO behaviours when I was younger. What would it take for me to stand my ground during arguments? How can I feel safe within confrontation and use this to feel stronger. Re Flight/Fight

It felt good to let out a lot of frustration.

Sanmagic! its so nice to hear you talk about gardening

Hopefully I'll be more in tune this week to update the 'the potting shed', I look forward to hearing about your endeavours with the desert climate! 

This week has been an up and down, I've been sat at work most of today feeling vague and quite ghostly, in fact most of this week I've felt this way, it's just snowballing. I wanted to start to work on this but it's just me covering the paperwork at work this week and I think work has helped me focus on something else today kindve because I still feel detached.

I've been deflated this weekend, I feel really small, and the slightest remark said in the slightest way could topple me today. I don't want to go home today, I don't want to be at work really (it's just something to do) I don't want to be around people. They cause too much stress, well; I cause myself too much stress. Although I've picked up on my personal hygiene (something that's goes amiss in trying times and is a usual indicator for my moods) I feel like there's no point anymore. Every time I do something good, or make a step forward I'm reminded of all the other things I still need to do. Constantly.

I don't think my BF wants me anymore; I find it harder to confide in him. I find that in some instances when he talks at me I feel like a small child again, helpless without anything to latch on to. The only reprieve is to walk away, or hide under the bed or in bed. Under the beds always been a safe place for me, but also a place I went to when I needed to disappear. I'm not even sure if that's a good thing.

Since Sunday I've felt uglier, more of a burden and less talkative, I feel on show all the time mind wise. A Close friend has noticed, however due to his relationship with my partner I feel it unfair to speak about my partner to him. I don't even know if there is anything to talk about, I feel like I don't even know whether I'm in the wrong or not.

A Reminder for the day/week;
It is important to discuss the above with your therapist. Good job on keeping up your hygiene up and even over the next few days, one day at a time. You are doing the best you can right now and you've had a hard couple of months. Take some time off where you can and start something you've wanted to for a while!

Hi Blackbird,

Thank you for sharing this, I note the same as three roses  however it resonated with me in regards to saying goodbye to people who are unable to empathise or take in to account how certain situations may make you feel, especially after being open with them and trying to build trust which is repetitively broken. In a lot of ways people have always left me too and not the other way around.

I was initially in a horrid cycle of ignoring the toxic qualities and going back to these 'friends', when speaking with my counsellor she asked me why I was going back, in phrase that makes me chuckle 'why do you keep eating liver if you don't like liver?' cant remember the context but it always makes me chuckle. I then realised that I don't owe them an explanation and even though this person had done a great deal for me (which I was using as an excuse for their behaviour) it was okay to let go. For me starting to get to grips with the above became such an empowering movement for me.

I was scared it would be confrontational saying good bye but with one friend, I just stopped messaging, visiting and stopped taking phone calls, and although I was anxious about letting them go I now feel free to start to making healthy relationships and friendships where support and trust are big values.

I hope you don't mind me posting, I think what I was trying to say is that let them go however you feel is best for you whatever works for you!

I wish you all the best with your future, cheering you all the way! 

I'm not sure if I should answer this as I have no idea of the challenges you face because of having bipolar.

But...with regard to anyone who doesn't treat me the way I want to be treated, I'm afraid it's the door for them. Goodbye, good wishes, best of luck. This includes people who seem to be treating me well but refuse to recognize that I am different; if they want to squeeze me into the same generic mold as everyone who's never been thru the things I have...well, I'm sorry I just don't squeeze that way anymore.

Hang in there! 

- I absolutely love that line about 'squeezing' Three Roses! 

Hi Blueberry,

That sounds wonderful I'm looking forward to hearing about how others go about it and what they are nurturing Instead of photos I might just do sketches as I love art as well, but who knows i'll be sure to update at the weekend any way look forward to sharing you 

 

Morning!

I mentioned in my first post of my Journal my love for gardening and how therapeutic this is for me and I would love to share photos and the goings on in my sanctuary but I don't want it to hamper down my journal and to be fair I'd like to speak to more people who also enjoy gardening and everything that comes with it!

I hope others might like to share as well I look forward to posting a bit more later but I'm having trouble uploading my photo.

I'm looking forward to sharing my projects and ideas