Messages

TheBigBlue, HannahOne, Chart, NarcKiddo, sanmagic7, Desert Flower
Thank you very much for your support and for reading! Right on Chart! 




Important day yesterday. Woke up quite dysregulated. Couldn't really regulate. Two important appointments that day. The first with the housing agency with regards to the noise issue from other tenants. I was totally ready for that before it got rescheduled. Yesterday, I wasn't.

First I went for a run, in the hope of shedding some stress and sleep funk. The run went better than it did the past month or so. That was nice to notice. The stress and sleep funk didn't leave me alone though. The more I thought about the appointment, the less I felt up for it. The stress was increasing and I drifted into overwhelm waters. Not good. After some wrestling with it, it occurred to me that I had the option to propose to reschedule. I could definitively go to the appointment, but the other one was much more important to me, and I didn't want to mess it up with this one. So finally I made the decision to cancel. It felt like the right thing to do when I allowed myself to have that option. I called and was put on hold. I wasn't going to wait indefinitely and only gave it a minute or so. That's out of character for me. I switched to e-mailing, which isn't ideal a few hours before the appointment. But I stopped caring about how it would be received. Out of character, again. I briefly explained that I have a sleep disorder and aren't in a good space at the moment, asking to reschedule. Nothing overly dramatic or explanatory. Still honest. As soon as I had sent it, it was no longer my problem, no matter the reception.

The other appointment was a zoom call with two people from the local CPTSD support group I hope to join. I was pretty nervous for that. It felt like a lot was at stake there for me. A while ago I had sent them an e-mail in which I introduced myself. I had expected that they thought I would be a good match for the group, but I got a reply which surprised me a bit. They had leads that I was, and also a few that I may not be a match for the group. As per normal procedure, they proposed to have a zoom call to figure this out together. Their hesitation had immediately triggered despair, even though I understood that I either am or ain't a fit for the group, they didn't refuse me, and this is normal procedure for them. It should match both ways too. Fair enough. But it was a pretty significant trigger for me. Don't get me wrong, I love you guys to bits and this community is dear to my heart. But in person meetings are different from online communication. I'd have two a month with this group.

I was a lot more nervous than I thought I would be during the call. After a while, my whole body began to tremble. I had involuntary muscle contractions all over. This is something that began happening sometimes several years ago. Usually when I'm interacting with people and revealing things about myself. Mostly in situations where I feel safe enough, but not entirely safe either. I used to be able to keep all of that stress hidden inside. For decades. That isn't an option anymore. It's probably for the better, but it does make me feel exposed and vulnerable. And it makes it harder to concentrate and be present. That went well enough, considering my somatic response. The two people were very kind and open, and I think I did a relatively okay job giving them an impression of who I am. I was pretty chaotic, but I think I managed to communicate the most important things and take away some of the concerns they had. The latter seemed to be mainly about my support system, and having to do a bit of traveling to and from the meetings. I see no issues there myself, but it's a good sign they are taking this into account. The two people came across really professional, despite it being entirely a non-professional self-help group. We're going to let it rest for a couple of days and e-mail how we think about it. I already know this isn't going to change for me. It's a clear yes.

If we all agree, I'll be attending three group meetings to test the waters irl, after which we can all really know if I'm a match. So a lot of caution built in, which speaks for them. I have a lot of experience with support groups and group therapy. I'd be surprised if this wouldn't work out. But there aren't any guarantees, off course. I don't think I'll get rid of all my nerves around this until I know if I can or can't attend the first three meetings.

Congratulations San! I'm really happy for you that you found a match. And that you could let in the kindness. 

O, I was logged out when I clicked on the picture that didn't show... Dunno what's going on there. I cant's see it, unfortunately 

[do]

I'm very happy to hear you're in zero danger and very motivated to be here and heal! YES to that! YES to life! YES to YOU!

There's so much in what you wrote that I recognize! I've ended up in situations and have done things that shocked me afterwards. Because I lost my agency. It's more obvious this happens with another F response, but with the fawn variety it feels more like I'm still present. Except I'm not. Not really. Not as me. With enough threat detection [neuroceptively speaking], my survival self takes over and I'm also the person who agrees to tea. Disappearing, exactly. I hate it when that happens. It feels awful. There's anger beneath it. That anger can be fuel for emancipation if it isn't directed at myself. There's a connection to what I do want in it. That's valid and powerful. It can be a pathway out of the holding pattern of shame.

Working with therapists has more than once triggered unsafety. By definition there is an agenda for the client. That's the whole point, isn't it? This can get tricky if therapist and client aren't entirely on the same page in the moment. It can get very subtle. But I think people with our sort of history pick up on all of that, consciously or unconsciously. When my preference is met with a value judgement, however subtle, it can trigger a fawn response. Knowing that the therapist has good intentions doesn't prevent the transference from happening. My system responds as if I was left no space to exist authentically. Again. And the way I learned to survive such a situation kicks in just as easily decades later. Because I don't have enough interpersonal experiences that taught me it is in fact, okay and safe to be me. And that it's perfectly fine to want or don't want certain things that others don't agree with. It can be even more difficult with a therapist, because there often is an assumption they know what's best for us. That could be true. My position is that it only is when we are on board with it. It only works with an internal "yes" of the client, which may or may not follow that which is brought up. If it's an internal "no", that can be equally valid and worth while to explore. I think it's safe to lead with your intuition.

for Frank's sake

You made my day with that. Boy do I enjoy this kind of playfulness with words. It's a keeper, for sure. 

A productive/constructive first month of this year for you, isn't it? I'm getting good vibes from your posts   Very much looking forward to the unshaming book. Almost there... Your earlier quote from the book is profound. Little overt violence needs to happen in order to install toxic shame in a child. Chronic misattunement/emotional neglect is a solid pathway for that. 

I'm not sure if I'm interpreting your entry correctly. Please ignore if I'm missing the mark. And perhaps I'm too direct, so a bit of a TW there. Reading your words, I was taken back to an experience in which there was no bs'ing myself possible. What I saw clearly, is that deep down, I don't want to be alive. Because this existence is so painful. It that it? Does your therapist skip over this by insisting on you reaching certain goals? Does your therapist allow you to have these feelings? Does (s)he make space for that to be real and validated in connection?

Generally, people seem to flip out on me drinking water. Hot water in particular. Except for tea in the morning, it's about all I drink. Because I like it. My therapist found it a little odd too when I started with it. He didn't push me like yours did though. There were just the facial expressions and perhaps a few remarks indicating it's a little odd to him. After a while, he started asking me if I'd like some hot water. It didn't feel like therapy for me, but these things can be. 

Good for you for knowing what you are and aren't looking for in a therapist! 

Congratulations Dalloway. For receiving the compliment and really letting it land. This is very brave. You can only see the true face of the neglect/abuse by your own mother if you connect with the little one. I'm very sorry you are feeling the heartbreak now, but I am cheering you on for finding your way back to yourself. That compliment wouldn't have landed if you hadn't worked up to this point. It hurts to get what you didn't get as a child. That happened to me for the first time not long ago. The contrast is very painful. There isn't only pain on this side of what was dissociated. This is also where your strength and dignity are. Much respect for going there Dalloway!

Much love [especially to the little one]

Papa Coco
Thanks for sharing that. It's awful to feel so ashamed that even stepping outside feels dangerous. It's been like this forever for me. I'm tired of it. I'm sorry this is your reality too. HUGS back atcha my friend 

HannahOne
Yes, the nervous system does this under perceived threat. Sometimes I feel like I have a bit of a choice in going along with it or not, other times it's overhwelming. It's the former moments I'm after to use to my advantage. Like just happened today.

Marcine
Rarely have I felt more validated and supported. Thank you my friend. The allure to standng on that other leg is strong. Good Much love right back atcha.

sanmagic7
Yes, this takes persistent small steps towards a new normal. No problem. I'm not a revolutionary. I'm an evolutionary. Thanks for sharing that intriguing experiment. That's learned helplessness taken to the extreme. I think our version can be deadly too, to be honest. Albeit less overtly.
I'm not sure if I had that insight after somthing started to shift in me or the other way around. In any case, seeing this clearly almost feels like I have no good reason to hide myself in interaction with others. There's something about that visual representation of that change triangle that's lovingly relentless to me. Am I going to keep hiding, or am I going to inhabit my rightful place in this world? It has to be the latter. I owe it to myself.




A few days ago I got a mail from the community garden. We could order compost. There was a limited quantity. First come, first served. I rushed to fill out the digital form. Hesitated a bit with the amount I needed, since it's a significant chunk of what's available. Is it greedy? I didn't change the amount. That whas a bit of a hurdle to take in my mind. But it felt good too. This is the amount I need for the way I kick off a garden. Considering the amount of compost that's offered, that's not what people seem to do around here. But I do.

Today I verified if the amount was granted to me. It turns out I got only half of it, because I was just in time for the last bit. And the person asked me to consider if I even need such a big amount. So clearly I'm doing something that wasn't expected. I felt an impulse to make do with what was granted to me. Then changed my mind. I wrote an e-mail in which I said I'd like to have 3 extra m3 of compost delivered to the terrain, and asked if that could be done using their contact. I went on to say that a proper layer of compost is the backbone of the no-dig method of gardening I have good experience with. And that a start like this will be well worth it for me, especially with soil that's filled to the brim with weed seeds. I didn't fawn. I owned what I know works and how I want to do this. No apologies, no shoving me aside myself, no regrets. It's like I shifted gears and stepped into the person I want to be. Am, without toxic shame.

I'm sorry Chart. I hate to see you suffer. Actually feeling is a big part of healing, in my experience. But "dosing" that, if at all possible, is important too. Ideally, this shouldn't be a tooth gritting thing, I don't think. More like a gradual opening up, where compassion is leading. You're not alone with this. I hope a sense of connection reaches that desperate place. It takes a village to reparent an age regressed adult. Stay in touch. Much love.

It's so brave to share this here HannahOne. Your mind seems to be giving you a hard time at the moment. You're not responsible for the hand you were dealt. For none of the domino's that were set in motion. I have a hunch you did more than your best to play the game as best as you possibly could. That's good enough. Even if the fruits of your efforts aren't edible right now.

Today I heard one of my teachers talk about her dog. She said the dog doesn't even know she's a dog. Astute. I presume the absence of mind-identification equals non-duality. That's full-on. No filter. No escape. No trips into what's not happening [aka thoughts]. Intense emotions that leave the system rather quickly compared to what lingers in ours. What I've observed is a correlation between openness to difficult emotions, their intensity, and how long they stick around. It boils down to what Shinzen Young said: "Suffering = Pain × Resistance. Purification = Pain × Equanimity". That's not a switch that can be flipped at will. Especially not for traumatized people. Rather an attitude that can be cultivated, which does seep into deeper layers over time. Deconditioning/reconditioning is a messy, non-liniar process. Feeling intense emotions, or being hijacked by the mind doesn't necessarily mean that something is going wrong, or that you are. It happens. And there's Frank. 

We share Frank's beingness in our equally mammalian systems. We're just dealing with an extra layer of distraction from it that we identify with much more than is helpful. The mind is a wonderful servant, but a terrible master, as they say.

Much love


"Still a good duck". That's priceless Marcine 

Today I took a two-hour walk in a wooded area. It was just above freezing and the sun was out. An ideal winter day for the sunlight deprived. On my way back home, I walked to the super market to pick up some coconut milk for cooking. I often have at least a little anxiety when I enter a store. It had been a while since I walked in without any of that. I felt totally normal now. That's the word that came up. No different than any of the other customers [it was crowded]. I belonged there just as much as the next person. And there it was again. Post-traumatic joy. I really enjoyed being there, completely free of anxiety. I wasn't looking for it, or didn't plan anything. It just happened. Normally I get what I need and get out of there asap. Today I took my sweet time looking around, savoring the moment.

I'm happy to hear Schore's knowledge is landing in fertile ground Chart. His work, and that of others on interpersonal neurobiology, has been an important piece of the puzzle for me too. If anything, it validates that this trauma runs deeper than most can fathom. Schore also confirmed my experience that attunement is a crucial factor in therapy that aims to address the core wound. And by the way, dysregulation also implies not broken. 

I would say YOU GO GIRL...but it would be weird, wouldn´t it?      So maybe leave the "girl" part out. I´m very happy for you and pass me some non-alcoholic alternative please. 

Yes it would be 🤣. I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for that. Cheers!

Here's to silliness Dalloway and Chart 🥂 

Thanks for your support guys!

Learned helplessness is real,

Thanks for the reminder HannahOne. That term hadn't been on my radar for a long time. This is indeed what's happening under high stress, when I don't see the options that I do have as an adult.




Anything you are can and will be used against you is a message that's deeply ingrained in my psyche. Individuation equaled rejection when I was sculpted. It was the maternal reality that significantly shaped my sense of self and other. I did become a person, but I learned that it isn't safe to be that one in interaction with others. I developed a survival self, and a self that was hidden. Dismantling my survival self is an ongoing project, as is connecting authentically. It matters a great deal who it is that I connect with in this regard. There used to be no one I felt safe around being me. Even though it could be very subtle too, I was always on guard around others. I was constantly assessing what about me would be welcome and what not, and acting accordingly. Part of it is sane and civil, part of it is self-censorship I could do without. I want to do without. A lot has changed for the better, but I'm tired of being scared to be seen when I set foot in my front yard, and having the blinds down 24/7. My lived experience is that evil eye is still watching me.

This morning I woke up, way too early, with an insight. An insight that seems to land deeper with each cycle of forgetting and re-gaining it. This iteration presented itself as the realization that toxic shame is something I "do" myself. Nobody else. It's an attack on parts of myself that I've learned are dangerous to include. I reject those parts myself before others can. It's me rejecting me as a means to gain a sense of safety in social interactions. I've learned that in order to be safe, I need to not exist. Toxic shame is an existential auto-immune disease.

Once again I saw clearly that toxic shame is an inhibitory emotion that keeps me from existing [see the AEDP Change Triangle]. It's a large part of the prison that I'm in. It was threatening to my mother if I was different and confident, so she blamed and shamed me into this developmental arrest. I derive a sense of safety from making myself small. There are many subtle ways I have undermined my own worth and dignity, and I highly doubt I'm aware of all of it. I noticed that it's scary to let go of that and to embrace who I am underneath that suffocating blanket. All things dangerous and vulnerable. I feel empowered looking through this lens though. There is no one else but me who keeps this toxic shame going. There is no one else who has the power to change that. There is no getting rid of toxic shame. There is sinking into what I already am underneath it. Truly accepting me is being me in interaction also. I started out disowning parts of me to survive. Now I want to disown what never was me to live.