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What a toxic environment to survive as an adult, let alone to grow up in. Adults behaving like unreasonable, entitled toddlers is a distinct kind of repulsive.

I finally made it here. Thanks for the nudge San 
It's early morning. There's dew on the fields in front of the porch. It's cool, but not cold. Just right to be sharp and feel comfortable. The fresh smell of wood and soil in the air is amazing. There's a giant bamboo forest with ponds and water falls. Right next door. There are endless tiny paths and creeks to explore. It's teaming with life. We go there with the whole group sometimes, to build rafts and stuff like that. It's great fun. All of us are full of energy and in good spirits. Everybody feels 100% safe and welcome. It's a given. Our sleep quality is the gold standard. Every single night. If fills me with immense joy and gratitude to be part of this tribe of beautiful souls. Today I'm planting banana plants. They perfectly compliment the magic San has done in the garden already. It looks beautiful. An abundance of fruit and veggies. Vines and leaves everywhere. Cozy corners with perfect shade to relax. Life's good.

It breaks my heart reading your entry Dalloway. You describe the primal heartbreak I think we all carry with us very well. If I'm not mistaken, Gabor Maté says that trauma is the loss of connection with self. And, that in the case of developmental trauma, the "choice" was between authenticity and (conditional) love. We split off our authenticity and the pain that came with being who we are. They are two sides of the same coin. Recovering our authenticity is also uncovering the pain. And our potential to connect with others for real. Is fully remembering the roots of how painful it was to be us fundamentally different from healing? The grief of this kind of parental abandonment is so immense and so familiar that it can be difficult to see it for what it is. There's a timeless quality to the chronic loneliness of an abandoned child, which feeds hopelessness, helplessness, despair. It is not infinite and absolute. Infinite and absolute is how it feels. This is slow to permeate the level of knowing that in our bones, unfortunately.

In my experience,rational insights and awareness can be a great help to see where we have opportunities to grow in ways that take where we are emotionally into account. For the abandoned child it's very hard to imagine a reality of authentic connection. It's a leap of faith to act as if this is indeed possible. You chose to post how you feel here, instead of keeping it to yourself. It's a good example of such an act. I hope you feel seen, validated and appreciated by doing this. I'm quite sure all of us can relate to how you feel. I sure can. Authentically connecting with safe others is crucial. And also connecting from a bit of authenticity and a bit of our survival self matters. It's all great feedback when showing up as us does not equal rejection and yet more loneliness. From a more selfish perspective, it also helps me when you share experiences that are so similar to mine. It does chip away at my own deep seated belief that there's no one in the whole world who gets this. Does life start when the void is filled or the wounds are healed, or is life the journey we make, in part, because of them?

Much love 

Hi Papa Coco!

TW!
The firehose is coming through! There's so much in your post I recognize. I'm sorry you're having EF's. Life is frikking hard. It truly is. It's potentially so triggering to state it here, but I believe that opening up to life being how it actually is, is our greatest challenge and our greatest relief. We throw the second arrow with infinite versions of shouldism. I've been having a go at it myself lately.

I love how brutally honest you are to yourself and sharing it here. Can you point out where exactly the line is between teacher and student, therapist and patient, successful and failed, traumatized and healed? I do not want to minimize the pain you feel around not becoming a therapist because your own trauma has such a relentless influence on your life. I do find it honorable you take the transference that you know would occur so seriously. I've been re-traumatized by people who hadn't. Can you see how you are not perpetuating suffering by not running away from your own pain this way? I think that moving towards the difficult stuff inside is the greatest gift we can give ourselves and as a result of that work the people we interact with in our lives. You've had a terrible start in life. And you did a lot of work and continue to do so. Is it only a "good" life when our actions have certain outcomes? Are you only than good enough?

Much love 

NarcKiddo
Thank you for being here! Connecting while in an EF is usually very difficult for me to do. It was great to read your response so soon after I posted. I wasn't entirely alone with it anymore, which is a big thing. Your remark on the doubt highlighted something for me which has helped to get more cognition online, somewhat lower the intensity of the EF, and vaguely believe this is temporary. That's often about as good as it gets with these for me. Communicating about this with somebody who understands what it's like helps to put things in perspective. Just my own constructive cognition around it packs very little punch when the excrements hit the fan. There's no regulation like co-regulation for this regressed mind.

What you describe about your mother sounds awful. It's somewhat of a different dynamic, even though I recognize the dread that everything I said could be used against me at some point. I'm happy to hear you're out of the hellish EF now. Few! What a relief that is!


Desert Flower
Thank you for the validation and your support! It means a lot to be seen when reaching out. I figured out what tipped my boat this time, but unfortunately EF's will come out of the blue sometimes. I remember all those years before I knew about CPTSD and EF's, where this horror had free reign to undermine the little self worth I had left. An EF is still a free-fall, but I know in the back of my mind what's actually happening. Having that mirrored back to me and being met with such kindness while reaching out here is a kind of re-parenting I could never have imagined existed. For me this is where OOTS really shines. That's us!

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How well integrating into this community of gardeners is actually going has been overshadowed by this EF. I'm still very new there, and not knowing most of the people and unclear rules represents danger. It varies to what degree this unsafety is in the foreground. So yesterday a couple of factors aligned, and before I knew it I was in an EF. Not having established relational safety yet, is the big thing here. I usually need a lot more than one positive encounter with a new person to feel safe to be me around them.

Authenticity and taking up space are strongly linked to danger for me. By what I was doing and these people showing up while I wasn't expecting it, I suddenly felt exposed and vulnerable. The positive feedback I got from the woman didn't overrule this. Shame kicked in to get me out of danger. I want to learn to find safety in relating and am willing to take calculated risks for it, but the old script has anything but been replaced.

It's the same mechanism as what happens to the war vet hearing firecrackers. In a split second I'm practically reduced to a little boy again, having only being alone as a refuge. It did come as an ugly surprise this time, since nobody said or did anything to trigger me. It was me exposing me to people that weren't there when I started. The risk I was taking became bigger while I was taking it. From a neuroception perspective at least.

On another day this wouldn't necessary have been such a big trigger. Yesterday I felt physically weak and I was even trembling a bit when I arrived. It's impossible to always tell how serious to take such effects of a chronic sleep disorder. Sometimes it disappears while I become active and it was a good idea, sometimes it gets worse and I better quit. For the physical side of things this has become such a given, that I no longer have to give it much thought. I'm very pragmatic. Landing in an EF like that is a different story than feeling physically off. That's a high price to pay. It's frustrating that how big of a risk I'm taking partially depends on something that isn't always obvious. I don't want to always play safe, which I think is a good thing. I think I should be more careful in this phase, and cut myself more slack when I feel off. I have plenty of space to do so.

The good news is that it's the next morning now, and I'm already out of the EF despite having had another terrible night. I'm not discouraged to continue with the garden, and I can appreciate more of the safety potential the positive feedback indicates. I'm not in catastrophising mode anymore. Even though the trigger hasn't completely left my body, I'm back to the present moment, being more of an adult. 

One thing I gather from this episode, is that it would be good to be more clear on what I'm going to do in the garden when I go there. This strengthens my sense of purpose and permission to be there, which makes whatever other people may think of me less relevant. It's something I need to actively put into my working memory for it to be strong enough to last. Focus matters. I know from experience that this can have a significant impact on how I show up.

Very powerful Desert Flower! I'm reading it with a big smile on my face.

I'm having an EF. I'm isolating because I'm afraid to be seen. I feel trapped. And even more desperate than I'd normally feel because something positive happened that partially landed me here.

This morning I went to the allotment to gather leaves from the parking lot to mulch the paths. I had started this yesterday, after I had asked a senior member of the association if this would be allowed here. She had complimented me for how my garden looked, and said it's a good idea. So I got going, despite still having some doubts about the rules. It's one of those healthy and rather harmless risks to take, I think. Gardening my way on my plot feels like coming out of the closet. People can have an opinion about it and there's no hiding here. How scary this is varies a lot. Some days I'm more concerned about it than others. Poor sleep is one factor. Yesterday it was okay. Today it wasn't.

Today I showed up rather early because I had left some tools on the plot. There were still enough leaves up for grabs, so I decided to continue for a bit. There were two women hanging around on the parking lot, which made me feel uneasy doing this uncommon thing. I passed one, who was very friendly. When I got to my plot with the leaves, two neighbors I hadn't met before were there. A bit more unease, despite nothing negative happening. I kept walking up and down with a few more loads of leaves and meanwhile the four women had gathered right next to my plot. One of them complimented me about my garden and told me to stay [with the association] because they need me. I thanked her and told her I was going to stay. She was obviously being very kind and welcoming, and nowadays I mostly can receive compliments [which has taken quite a long time]. Seems like a positive experience.

And yet I'm back at home having an EF because of this morning. There's just no getting used to this terrible sense of shame and fear hitting me over and over. I have done nothing wrong, people like what I'm doing, I know there is no issue in the outside world, and it has zero impact on what I experience right now. I'm so tired of this no win life. Being me while being visible is coupled with a tremendous sense of shame and danger. It fills me with despair that even a positive experience is overruled now. I went home when I noticed it was getting too much. It's great that I have the option. I was planning to go back later in the afternoon, but I'm too deep into this now. I'm not going to do that to myself. The dose has been high enough for today.

I hear neighbors talking outside. I'm afraid they're going to ring my doorbell. Not in a paranoid sense of the word, but in a social anxiety sense of the word. The barking dogs in the neighborhood infuriate me. Somebody is drilling in a wall. There's no place I can go where it's safe and quiet.

Hi Desert Flower, thank you for sharing. The intensity is coming through here. I'm really sorry this happened. Friends not grasping the horror of what you went through is very painful. It's one of the worst things about this invisible wound. For me at least. Obviously the location is charged, so I can see your friends just having fun there like nothing happened to you can feel like a slap in the face.

It may be a bit too soon after the incident, but I see the value in being angry. I'm hoping this means you yourself aren't minimizing/doubting your experience, and thus being on your own team.

I wish you safe sailing through this storm.

Big hug 

Welcome here LandedBird! 

I'm sorry you're dealing with immobility. It's not hard to imagine this is triggering traumatic memories (even without knowing their nature).

You're using language I can very much relate to. The current medical paradigm has done a lot of damage. The coining of the term "CPTSD" and the acknowledgment that it's an ongoing response to relational trauma is an important step away from our undeserved stigma. These are the most healthy responses we had at our disposal to survive unhealthy circumstances. The price we pay is a reminder of the severity of what we had to endure, not of our innate brokenness, badness, or sickness.

Enough about my views. I'm happy you can still see a lot of beauty in the world. You bring that here yourself, offering support to others and sharing from a vulnerable place. I think you'll feel right at home here.

Much love

sanmagic7
Thanks big time! Your support and understanding of the importance of doing this means a lot to me. And I want to add that the thing with the card that recently happened to you has been helpful to me too. love and hugs to you too   

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The cover crops have taken off. Even quite a lot of the sunflowers that I thought had all been eaten. I've been weeding a couple of hours per week, to give the cover crops an advantage crowding out the rest. I know this is a crazy way of gardening. Not efficient at all. Yet now I have to be somewhere every week to do something. That means getting out of the house, and being physically active in a place where I could encounter others. Whenever I'm weeding the whole place with my bare hands, I'm a little scared about what people think of me. I've also doubted whether doing it this way is such a good idea. But nah, it's a good thing for me to be there and to do that. Even to keep doing something unconventional where I could me seen. It has become a bit of a meditation for me. The whole thing at once is too much. So I go two times per week now. I like that I'm contributing to this plot getting a little bit better over time and that it's a slow process. The amount of effort each week is just right. It sure beats hanging around in nothingness at home.

When I was almost home, I encountered a neighbor. She's incredibly needy and can be quite exhausting. I always meet her with kindness and compassion, which I think she lacks a lot of in her life. So this is dangerous terrain for a fawner. Because of this I've done my best to keep a bit of a distance and usually try to keep it short. I'm glad I never visited or invited her. So when we met I was wondering if I'm capable at all to meet with such a person and not lose myself and get exhausted in not time. I mostly remain mindful of what's happening, but the losing applies to providing what she needs anyway. I think there is a way that outwardly looks very similar, but is different for me internally. So right after this had crossed my mind and I came up with no solution whatsoever, I noticed it wasn't happening during the encounter. I more or less was the same way I always am with her, but it felt more like a chat I'd have when I'm just kind and compassionate without spilling it over into fawning. It's a fine line. I haven't fully digested what happened. It was nice to notice. Something with taking up space and allowing space...

I walked 20k today. I thought it would be a nice way to listen to Ingrid Clayton being interviewed and get some exercise. I'm serial listening her now, since Narc Kiddo made me aware of her. There's a lot of overlap. It's helping me to find the words to write to my mother. Walking and taking a note whenever something significant comes up works well. The walk went well. I feel ready again to walk to my friend sometimes, which is about 30k. I have the idea to ask him if he'd appreciate it if I do that once a month or so throughout the year. My friend just turned 80, and the thought of losing him one day kills me. Maybe a weird tradition like this is a good excuse for both of us to see each other just a little more often.

Hi Dalloway,

Your question is from a while ago. I hope it's no longer relevant. In the case it is, I can share what has helped for me. In my case it's more like a "feeling tone" rather than explicit inner chatter. We may be talking about the same thing. I'm not sure.

Connecting with a friend or interacting here is high up the list. Getting out of your own groove is hard to do on your own. Getting physically (very) active can sometimes get me out of a groove and create a little space, which I can build upon. One thing that fell into my lap is a side effect of being a little obsessive. I'm used to listening to audio books and podcast on a tiny mp3 player with ear buds. Many hours in a row are no exception. There was a time where I could barely tolerate being alone with my mind. This still happens from time to time. I began to notice that whatever was going on in my mind couldn't grab my attention so completely when I was listening to an interesting topic. Paying attention to what somebody is saying leaves less room to be hijacked by negative self referential thoughts. Listening to audio is quite demanding and attention grabbing. If the topic in the audio is constructive/uplifting itself, that becomes a double punch antidote. I have a large collection of audio books and podcasts that I sometimes view as a toolbox. I can inject the wisdom, goodness, and care of an endless amount of other people in my awareness this way. I stumbled on this positive side effect. It has gotten me through very dark periods.

I let my mom know I need distance at the moment, and it doesn't feel right for me to come and help (which she asked me to). It's now obvious something's up, and the seven year period of mostly relating to each other in a kind, yet superficial way is over. Looking back, I think it's been a helpful period of relative normalcy that followed five years of no contact and everything before that. My mom has helped me a great deal in recent years, and has been caring and respectful towards me. Who she is hasn't fundamentally changed. How this permeates our relationship has. I think she has been holding back a lot in order not to lose me. Guilt may be a factor too.

I noticed it's a big deal for me to break the modus operandi we have developed. It's the kind of bond a lot of parents and adult children would be happy to have. It most likely is the best possible way to still connect for us too. So in a sense we have already arrived at the end point. I do not necessarily want to change this. Speaking my mind is more important to me though. It for sure is going to disrupt how we relate. What I'm about to do is going to have a lot more impact than setting a simple boundary like I just did.

At least I now have created the space for myself to pick my moment to communicate what I want to. I can prepare for this moment and we'll see what'll happen after I've said my piece. My mom's crisis is related to what she asked my help for. It tells me that is now most likely over. I feel okay to go ahead whenever I've determined what it is exactly that I want to say. I'm scared. But this is the right thing to do.

Clayton shares five key insights from her book here.

[not]

sanmagic7
Ah, too bad about the response you wrote. Thanks for putting in the effort anyway, and for your support.

our time and energy belong to us

Amen to that!
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TW/religion & cults

I've had very little contact with my mother in the past couple of months. I had started to write down the things I could never voice, when an intense anger got triggered by some things she said. My emotions made it very clear to me that it's important to speak my mind to her about the way she has affected me. It doesn't feel right anymore that I never articulated just how hard my life is due to who she was/is. I feel like I'm betraying myself if I don't say this to her. Explicitly this time. Regardless of how she responds.

At the same time I don't want to just vent my anger. That doesn't feel right either. I want to be careful about what I say, and I want to mean every word of it. It started to dawn on me that this means I have to capture the depth of the trauma that affects every aspect of my life into words. That's not an easy thing to do, even though it went very well initially. The momentum faded, and I started being lost for words again.

Our relationship changed after a 5 year NC period. The kind of relationship we had the seven years since has been limited in depth. It was vastly different from previous years in a positive way. This isn't just nullified by recent events. It was also painful to only relate on such a superficial level, while so much has been left unspoken.

There's a difference between how my mom used to be and how she is now. The same goes for myself. And off course we haven't become two completely different people. All of it is part of us. My mom resorted back to her old ways a couple of times. She was her old, overly emotional, self centered self again when I visited her on her birthday a month ago (which I hesitated doing to begin with). I felt repulsion. A part of me wanted to walk away and never come back. It wasn't the right time to bring any of this up. Not on her birthday, not when I'm not clear on what I have to say, and not while she is in some sort of a crisis already. But I don't want to put myself in a position where I'm internally torn and I'm carrying this heavy burden that doesn't belong to me in the first place.

I don't need to hurt my mother. But my gloves need to come off in order for me to say what I need to. My silenced inner child isn't having the new status quo anymore. I'm going to honor him. I'm going to speak on his behalf. Finally. And I want to remain an adult while I do so. I did mention parentification and emotional abuse to my mother in the past. Years ago we had a therapy session together that I arranged, in which I was way too accommodating. I remember that the main thing I said was that her unfulfilled needs had landed on me. Even though she sort of apologized later on and she clearly isn't happy with my suffering, it's evident I didn't do myself justice there. The contrast between what I did say and living a miserable life is just too big. I can't not speak my mind before she passes. I owe it to me. I owe it to the little one who suffers in silence till this day.

When push came to shove, my mother always "chose" her coping mechanisms over my wellbeing. She chose fear over love, and wasn't willing or aware enough to face her shadow. The reason doesn't matter for the child that I was. The devastation is the same.

I don't think she will ever be able to hear me. What I have to say is an existential threat to what she holds on to for dear life. She's willing to sacrifice everything for a sense of certainty. Her belief system has been her God for as long as I can remember. I can see the same basic dynamic in religious fundamentalists. Their fanaticism is a measure of their insecurity. They can't bear other points of view, because they are not certain about their belief. They feel threatened by people who don't share their convictions. Therefore everybody else needs to believe the same or be silenced. It's a fundamentally aggressive, disrespectful, and arrogant attitude. This is what my mother's contempt and all that stems from that comes from. Whenever I hear cult survivors speak, I can relate just a little too well. Only my mother's cult doesn't have a name or other members. It's who she is to a great degree.

I'm gonna need to wrap up this entry. What I wanted to say is that I haven't spoken to my mother since her birthday and very little a couple of months before that. Because I'm still not clear on what I want to say exactly, and I don't feel okay to interact with her like we used to before I have spoken my mind on this matter. She does not know what I've been processing. She only knows that I needed more space after some issues in the family happened a few moths ago. It weighs on me to be in limbo, but I can't force this process. She just texted me. As soon as I read it, she'll know I've seen it. I'm stressed. This puts me on the spot. I'm not sure how to respond. I probably need to say I basically need space at the moment and not explain anything. If I tell her I'm working on something I want to say that creates a lot of anxiety and pressure.