Miscellaneous ramblings of NarcKiddo

[Blueberry]

It sounds rather lame to say I literally don't know what to do with teenage NK, but the fact remains I don't so I have to feel my way here.

Not lame at all! That's what it felt like for me too when my Inner Teens (actually incl. an 11 yo) started showing up. I had NO idea what to do or say, no idea except re-surfacing memories of my own past which were clearly not useful or viable. Plus my Inner Children were frightened of the Inner Teens.

One thing that helped me was reading books on parenting daughters successfully from pre-teens upward, especially pre-teens because that sets the course. It's not that I then was able to talk my Inner Teens through much I don't think, but in my own mind things started to shift a bit. Those inner voices from FOO became less virulent as I was able to slowly take other ideas on board.

My initial idea on how to lighten the load of teenage NK was to ask her to step back and let me prove myself capable. T pointed out that was just pushing her out of the way.

  It took me a lot of trial and error (and reading) to get better at communicating with my Inner Teens. Sending you lots of good thoughts and wishes from somebody who's still on that road...

[Desert Flower]

Hi NK, just a little note here to let you know I'm reading this too.
And although it may feel very uncomfortable I think you are actually making great progress. So well done you. 

As for communicating with the teen, looking at it from my perspective, I don't know if that's the case for you, but it reminds me of the way my mother dealt with me at that age and that is simply not dealing with anything that was going on, just ignoring the whole situation. The teen was just totally on her own. So to re-connect with this teen would take patience I think. And take it really easy with the teen. Maybe initially only letting her know you're here and waiting. Please ignore if it's not helpful.

 

[dollyvee]

Hi NK,

Underneath all the questioning, it seems like you have made big steps in recognizing what is happening, congrats! 

I don't know how to define dissociation for myself, like a veil I've been living under and you don't know is there? I guess there are times when that veil pops up and I kind of go, huh, and then I it pops down again, and I truck along doing the things I need to do. It popped up this week after I recognized with t, or spoke to t about, how dealing with someone's unpredictability (who had been out drinking and then came to play severely hung over, and I felt familiar with that frame of mind that they were in), and how I had been in that position growing up. I felt tense talking about it, but the "feelings" weren't there (and here they are now as I remember what it was like to deal with m when she was in that post-party state). I just knew, or could recognize that I was uncomfortable.

I don't know if it's because t has been giving more space to my internal world and validation through NARM, but I feel/think over the last year, I have been able to give more space to recognizing those feelings as they come up. I don't have to "solve" them, and they are not a problem to go away, it's something that I am now "allowed" to have where before, I was never "allowed" that. I feel like intellectually, I had also heard and "knew" this, but something about the process has  changed. For me, perhaps it's like the Jay Reid video where he describes having to remove your awareness of yourself and put in place something else, and these veil lift moments I think are perhaps the Self coming back. Maybe ask teenage NK what she could do whatever she wanted, what would she do? Maybe this bolshy-ness is coming up because that's what you need (IMO and not in a self-destructive way)? When I feel like I'm acting with more life force, standing up to people in tennis etc, t doesn't reprimand my behaviour even though I think I'm doing something bad or wrong (because people are upset with me), but instead, I'm doing something for myself.

Sending you support 
dolly

[SenseOrgan]

I admire you for bringing up anger towards your T in this context. It would be a huge thing for me. My gut tells me to cheer for teenage NK, who set a boundary. Despite the anxiety I imagine this must have created. No more plates! It's legit to want that.

However well meant and therapeutically responsible your T's question was in that moment, it was the opposite of what teenage NK needed, wasn't it? For you, it created pressure to focus on what your T may want to hear, away from your own center. But you chose team you. Over shaping yourself into what could be expected/desired by your T. I think it's brave to seize the opportunity your T's misattunement presented like you did.

From my own experiences with T's and others "adding" plates to spin, I see a pattern of feeling pressured to come up with a solution or accept a suggested one. A part of me experiences that as not being allowed to be with the difficulty, which in your case is not knowing what to do with the teenage NK. Sometimes the rush to find an answer smothers the need to have somebody there with you in not knowing what to do or finding something very difficult or challenging to deal with. That needs space and validation too. Because it's your experience in that moment, and perhaps you've been alone with that for a long time.

Also, when an attachment wound is triggered by a T, the client's experience shifts to it instantly. This dramatically alters the level of interpersonal safety right there and then. This has to be discussed in order for the session not to morph into yet another situation to be survived. Going through ruptures like this and experiencing that the bond can be restored afterwards is therapeutic gold. This is the difficult area where a therapeutic setting can be even too safe at some point. I think you did very well. 

[sanmagic7]

hey, NK, i have to admit that when you wrote you didn't know what to do w/ teen NK, i kind of chuckled inside.  who DOES know how to deal w/ a teen?  i know there are books out there, and they might be very helpful.  on the other hand, teen years are all about pushing boundaries, rebelling against themselves and all the changes their bodies are going thru, and fighting authority to figure out where their place is in the world as a future adult.  it's a rough time for everyone involved.

i agree, patience and more patience.  having survived 2 teen daughters, all i can say is be consistent, for one, and let teen NK know you'll be with her, will back her up, will not let go of her no matter how tough the going is, but also to let her know that you are an adult now and can help her get to adulthood, too, by slow and sure means.  not pushing her aside, but standing at her side while she transitions and can see that you are managing your life as an adult.  she doesn't have to carry that burden anymore.

just some thoughts.  if they're not helpful, please ignore.  and keep taking care of you.  i have no doubt you'll get thru this.  love and hugs

[NarcKiddo]

My mother is so unpleasant (to put it mildly!). My father is having health problems right now. I am sure they arise from metastasised cancer; it is difficult to get candid details from FOO, and I think there is a certain amount of putting heads in the sand. It seems likely he is not at any sort of critical stage but he is having breathing problems which of course are very unpleasant and make life difficult. I know first hand how exhausting it is when one can barely breathe.

My mother is of course making it all about her. I have just had another barrage of texts complaining about him. Ever since he was diagnosed with the cancer a couple of years back she has lurched between excessive and intrusive displays of concern for him and spiteful expressions of hate. The latter are no surprise as she has done this forever, but the displays of concern and care have been something of a conundrum. The other day she let slip that she was worried about him dying because his pension will be cut in half. They are not poor and she will not have a financial problem if that happens. But it does at least explain why she is determined to do everything in her power to keep him alive.

One aspect of her care that grates on me particularly is her interest in cooking that suddenly arose when they moved into their current house. I'm not sure why. Maybe because she despised cooking when I was a child. Feeding us was a total chore and I endured various rage attacks when cooking was involved. But now I have to listen to endless detail of what he is going to be fed. It's healthy food and she does make an effort - so that aspect is good. However she prides herself on this food to astonishing levels. When eating at their place she presents the food and then gives a speech praising her food, which of course we all have to agree with. It's a tiresome charade but it passes the time, I suppose. Saves me thinking of other safe subjects to broach.

The other day his doctor sent him to the emergency room for a procedure to help his breathing. Mother was of course filling the air waves with texts of her worry and agony. The poor man was made to sit in the emergency room for the entire day with no food and no procedure was done. He was sent home and told something might be done at some point. Marvellous. Now, my father does not help himself as he is very passive. But in this case I can understand that he might not have any energy to complain.

So he gets home hungry and needs fed. She who prides herself on her wondrous catering, and who has had the entire day to expend nervous energy, has done  all. He gets dragged to a restaurant to eat.

What will happen to my father will happen. He is equally unpleasant, in a different way. Both parents contributed to my CPTSD. I do not wish him ill but I am not consumed with personal angst about what is to come. What I do UTTERLY loathe, though, is such treatment of a vulnerable person. And the hypocrisy of it all. And why my mother has EVER thought it acceptable to spout vitriol to her children about their father, with whom they all live and with whom she continues to live. She called me a traitor when I was six. Why? Because she had stormed upstairs in a fit of rage with him and instead of going upstairs to calm her I had stayed downstairs with him.

[Papa Coco]

Narckiddo,

All I can do is shake my head when I read of your mom's antics. They would be funny if they weren't so sad. I am always impressed with people like you and many of the rest of us who came from similar environments and, rather than becoming like them, we took the high road and learned how to be better people because of them.

I'm glad you have this forum to vent this stuff on. It drives us crazy if we take it personally, (Which I did, and that's why I went crazy and then joined this forum to get some sense of reality to my life).

It's refreshing that you have a good clear eyes-wide-open witness to your parents and their not-so-loving ways. I hope our OOTS body of empathetic souls are a help to your sanity, (as this body of people is a help to mine).

[Blueberry]

   NK! These crazy people like your M, crazy-making too. I hope it's helped you to vent some on here. Your M really makes it all about her. 

[SenseOrgan]

What a toxic environment to survive as an adult, let alone to grow up in. Adults behaving like unreasonable, entitled toddlers is a distinct kind of repulsive.