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And a friendly reminder to myself:

I am not mentally ill. I am having perfectly normal reactions to an abnormal upbringing.

There is nothing wrong with me. I can do this.

One question, if you don't mind. Is there really anything to forgive for being sensitive?

That was a good point too, SO, thank you.

SO, I could not have put that into words any better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

 

https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=17025.0
Just putting this link here so I will be able to find it again. So all of this turned out to be a lot truer than I thought.

And I've been thinking, this retreat that I did a month ago, was this in fact a good idea or not? Was that helpful in hindsight? I felt so completely different then, so completely centered. And then following that week, I went downhill (so to speak, I know it's a healing journey too) so fast.

And this is what I've come up with. (Also building on what SO and Chart said.) I think I truly was completely centered that week and I had experienced what Schwartz calls the 'Self'. And this Self had truly felt that (feeling guilty for not missing) M was no longer necessary. That I truly am okay the way I am. And maybe that gave the seperated Parts the confidence to come out the way they did. They had been waiting for me to be ready (enough). Maybe they sensed I could now (sort of) handle it.

Hi Westman, welcome here too. I hope you will find some comfort and recognition for your whole being here, like I do time and time again. It really is a wonderfully supportive communinity.

I'm sorry for the difficult situation you're in and I totally relate to ticking the boxes and still wondering if this could be true. I'm wishing you all the best on your journey.

 

Thank you again, Armee and Chart. Your perspectives are invaluable and mean a lot to me.

From everything I have heard it is very common to start reliving the trauma when your child becomes the same age you were when it happened.

Thank you for pointing this out, I tend to miss the obvious when I'm in a state like this. It makes perfect sense.

Thank you Chart for your wise and kind words too. They give me more self-worth. Yes, this is the way.

What's happening within me this day is I'm finding another avenue for self-forgiveness. The more I read into this one book, (and I plan to find more books when I'm done with this one), the more I find an ability to forgive myself for being kinder, more compassionate, and more "sensitive" than the numb blokes that run around bullying people and calling that "manly."

Hear! Hear!

Very beautiful Papa Coco. Very relatable too. I remember being called "too sensitive" at the age of four. And I always thought there was something wrong with me because of this. And there isn't, on the contrary!

Hej San, me too, I understand. And I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad. It really sucks. And I'm impressed by the way you're coping and handling all of this. It's no mean feat. Hang on. Big big hugs dear San.

 

Thank you all, dear friends, for being here with me. It means a lot to me.
 

SO, thank you for your comforting words, I'll try to look at it that way.

And I'm sorry for those who can relate so well 

Thank you, NarcKiddo, much appreciated.

 

It's so frustrating, the way they make you go through this again! I hear you. I cannot believe the way this system works (not). Ugh indeed.

 

[- Trigger warning -]

(not sure where to put this)

I'm going through a rough time. Not working at the moment. That feels like failure, which is not helping me feel better.

I've thought about writing something about 'Acceptance'. Why could I (apparently) not accept what is going on with me? I read all these books, been having therapy, been telling people I have C-PTSD, etc. And here on the Forum, with great friends who truly understand, I've been talking about being triggered, parts, central nervous system, dissociation, etc. But at the same time, I didn't really feel it had sunk in, that this was really about ME. As if I was talking about having parts, but some part (HA, a Part!) did not really want to accept that this was really going on with me. I hope I'm making sense. I've been trying to make sense of this. I've been wanting to write about it too, but I didn't understand enough to.

- Trigger warning -

Last Sunday, I had another terrible EF, it really wasn't pretty. My daughter did something funny/ strange, she went out skating at near dark/ actual dark in the park behind our house and stayed away for an hour (she's fourteen) and that just set off all the alarms with me, it triggered me massively (- Trigger warning - I got raped the first time at fourteen). I ran into the dark wailing "where are you???", "what are you doing???". Getting soaked in the rain too, running around like a mad woman. I'm very ashamed of my behaviour. It took me several hours to calm down a little bit.

So this was a wake up call. Visited the GP (entrance to mental health care in my country) the next day, who was new and sweet and quite alarmed at the state I was in, and who promptly enlisted me for 'specialised mental health care' which is mental health care for more complex/heavier cases. And I'm relieved that she did, that help is on the way because I cannot do this by myself anymore (or at the moment at least). And in the meantime (there will be a waiting list) she will want to see me twice a week. So there you go. Properly mentally ill.

And I've been thinking, why did I let it come this far? Because I had seen some signs. I knew I was overdoing it, keeping on going like I was.

And just now I read Janina Fisher's book "Transforming the Living Legacy of Trauma" and I am beginning to understand, I think.

These parts I had identified (but not really felt, admitted them into the light) are a lot more separated than I thought. And I have a very strong 'Keep on going'- part. Really, very strong. Managing all our affairs, performing professionally, taking care of the kids etc. And this part really did not want to know - and I'm starting to think - could not know how the other parts were doing (not so well). Because the other parts got separated because otherwise the trauma would have been too hard to deal with. They got separated for a reason. They got separated for real. That is why the knowledge of what was going on with me did not sink in, the separated parts knew, but the going-on-part could not take it in, because it felt it needed to keep-on-going. But the other parts were starting to make themselves heard more and more and became stronger and are now taking up their space. And these parts had been afraid that they were making this up, would not be believed, because they had not been believed.

I think this is also the reason "I" could not cry. This is actually the keep-on-going-part that cannot cry. Some of the other parts can cry big time, I noticed. Cried their eyes out they did. And I've apparently got an SI-part too. Keep-on-going-part did not know that either.

And I am in fact dissociating a lot more than I thought too. I read the examples of memory problems associated with this phenomenon and I have a LOT more of these than I thought. I dissociate many many times a day. I do not know where "I" go in the meantime. My husband does not see this happening either, I don't think he thought there was that much wrong with me either, but I explained to him and he's accepting what I say.

So this is now making a lot more sense to me. And it's comforting to the parts that have been crying out for help. And the keep-on-going-part has had to step back now. Taking care of (all of) myself first, hoping to get through the holidays somewhat, stabilising myself first and then taking some new steps into the new "Assembly of Me". Hoping to get better.

My mother never wanted children and she treated me like a school pupil rather than a daughter.

I know I'm a little late to this thread but this resonates terribly with me too. This is me exactly.
I'm really sorry it was this way for you Saluki, and all of us here.

(I've been thinking about not being able to cry too and I've come up with something, I'll put that in another post though.)

I struggle horribly with the holidays. It starts in October with my birthday. Then there's a bit of a lull before the main holiday season, and then all my FOO have birthdays during the following eight weeks. I'd hoped after 2 or 3 years of therapy that things might feel a bit easier. Objectively I have to admit that things are a bit easier and I am handling things better. But Little NK still struggles massively with the whole thing and it does not take much to send me into an EF.

Sounds terribly familiar Narckiddo.

Big hugs for all of us here.