Messages

I feel cleared up. Yes, I wanna live, definitely. Do not want to go to that dark edge that I know is there, no I don't.
I'll stay here. I'll do the hard work if I must. And be(come) happy. Yes.

What a day.

 

Cheering for you!
Thank you for being here.     

Right. I'm here. Holding on.
Feeling detached now. Fair enough.
I won't give up. I won't give up. Not giving up.
Scared though.

I briefly considered giving up (yesterday too). That scares me.
I couldn't possibly of course. "I've got so much going for me.", as they say.
I just want this to stop. I just feel so stupid for not making myself feel better. I'm just so fed up with me having to do all the work to feel better. It's so unfair.
I will now do some shopping for my girl to get out of the house and have some different input for my mind.

Hey Chart, keep on ranting, it really is fine! 

It would be great if you could start the support group.  I think it would be very helpful for many. 

I thought about what you wrote about acceptance. I think I might start another thread on that if I can.

Hey San,
I do hear what you're saying. My inner child really needs that confirmation too. I am doing a lot. So thank you.

Still not feeling well. I had to do my tax adminstration and that surely does not help the stress levels.

Yes! It's a monumental book for us. And true.

I used to have a whole array of physical complaints like these too and understanding how this works has been tremendously helpful.

I'm very proud of you Ladyboar. This is a really big thing you did!
 
(I recently should have said 'no' to extra work and although I had seen the question coming, I could not do it. I had to go back later to tell them I cannot do it.)

Yes, that's a wonderful story San! Thank you. 

Yes, Marcine, very authentic and real and brave you are.

It made me think of something I read recently, that Janina Fisher wrote: "Why do therapists keep asking me to sit with my feelings? They don't understand. I don't have feelings, I have tsunamis!"

I can totally relate, wanting to be validated and being scared of reaching out at the same time. Here is a safe place to reach out, in my experience. I hope it will help you too.

 

I used to cry too easily and now I cannot cry at all. I think it would help if I could cry.

Me too, Bach. Right there with you.

Thank you Chart, for rambling in my journal, which is actually validation. It's helping me feel better.

I was just thinking, apart from this forum, do I know anyone IRL who can really understand how this feels, and the answer is no. So that is what this forum is to me, validation.

 

Called in sick today. I don't want to be almost okay all the time, pretend I'm okay and keep pushing through anymore. I'm not okay.
Had a dentist apointment today. That was triggering and painful, on the verge or tears again.
I want this to go away. I know I can feel better.

It's amazing Chart, how much you understand. Yes, we've had to learn the hard way. (And I had a relationship with a decent man way back when I just didn't have the faintest idea of what was going on with me so that sadly didn't work out at all either.) And we just didn't know any better back then. But we're learning, that's what's most important.
And my brother definitely has a good heart and lots of good traits like honesty, loyalty, remarkable observational skills, marvellous creativity etc.
 

Hi Ladyboar, I just wanted to say I can totally understand you being so triggered by losing your beloved cat (let alone your M behaving the way she does). Not so long ago, I had to let our guinea pig go and that triggered me big time as well.
I hope the support of the people here will help you like it is helping me.
Take care
 

AND another big deal today!

I finally told my dear brother whom I love that I think he has autism. Feels like a relief to me, not having to watch my words anymore, I had been trying not to mention it because I didn't want to upset him.
I dont' think I upset him. He said:

1. I was not the first to have told him. Wow. A former (very nice) girlfriend of his had told him too. And
2. He didn't think he had autism. He has a few friends who have the diagnosis and he thinks he's different. (Well, everone has autism in their unique way, don't they?) And
3. He didn't want to explore it any further. Which is fair enough of course.

For one thing, he's never asked me how I am. But I tell him anyway. So I told him about my difficult week.
And then he went on to tell me how he deals with things people ask of him that he doesn't feel like doing, which proved my point exactly. He had been dating a little bit on Tinder and there was this woman he had seen a few times who now invited him to her art exibition opening. And she had mentioned that there might be a few other former dates present there. And my brother thought that might not be so nice so he had told her that he didn't wanna come. And I'm thinking, that's exactly it! The sociable thing to do would be to go to the opening, because it would be nice for her, not for you!
But it's fine of course, I love him the way he is, I'm just glad I got it off my chest.