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Hi San, I now read about your experience and I can definitely relate.

I did a hearing test not so long ago, exactly like you described and I got anxious too being in the little room. I'm so glad you had your D with you and she noticed what was going on. I usually tell myself I should be able to do this stuff by myself and then I grit my teeth through it, also depersonalising, or feeling nothing and fawning.

And like you, I have a lot of trouble with people who come too close as well. They just impose themselves onto you and they don't even check if you're okay with that. It's difficult for me to understand how people can be so insensitive to anything they're causing.
 
I have a neighbour who is VERY outgoing and she's nice too but she also just comes way too close, like in your face approximately 10-15 centimeters away, really way too close. And I made this resolution, next time she does this, I will tell her she's nice but she's too close. I hope I can actually do this. Fingers crossed.

So I can definitely relate to the 'gray lady' coming out. She's protection and/so she was necessary. 

Big hugs again San.

Hi San, just wanted to let you know I'm here with you reading this.
I did not read about your experience yet, but I know these can be very unsettling indeed. It's hard sometimes. A big hug for you.

 

Hey, Desert Flower,
Were you able to feel feelings prior to burying them? Positive feelings are still there? I've noticed that anger is a common thread among neglected children for various reasons, and its roots are justified.
I see the child in there, and sympathise with her and with you now. It's tough and unjust not being acknowledged. I wish you meet people in your life who'll see you and your victories.

Thank you Silveris, it's good to be seen.
Well, positive feelings are definitely here now, actually I can just be suddenly overwhelmed by feelings of contentment. But this is only very recent. Before I started on this journey, I did not really feel much of anything really. I was very dissociated that way.

Thank you! I think you have just helped me find a significant part of the puzzle for myself.

That's great NarcKiddo! It's nice to know it helped.

Don't worry about replying Blueberry.
I totally get that you get a little bit stressed before traveling, me too, a lot actually.
Wishing you a nice and helpful retreat.
 

I'm sorry you're feeling sick San. Take it easy if possible. No need to reply.
 

Hi again Blueberry,

I just wanted to tell you a little bit about my 'parts therapy' that was not IFS. I've actually felt a little bit like you, where I thought IFS was a little bothersome with the firefighter-parts and all that. I've not had IFS but I did read the book.

So the therapy I had is called 'schema-therapy'. In my opinion, it is a lot like working with parts, even if they're not called exactly that. The 'parts' are pre-scripted but in very rough strokes. So it seems to me, any part would fit in somehow. They are actually called 'modi'. They are sides of ourselves, that consist of thoughts, feelings/emotions and behaviours that become active when they are triggered. There are child modi (such as the vulnerable/sad/lonely child, the impulsive child, the angry child etc.), disfunctional coping modi (such as protectors, attention seekers, control freaks etc.), disfunctional parent modi (they are much like the inner critic, demanding and punishing), and functional adult modi. We can learn to recognise them and then f.i. give the sad child what it needs: recognition, love, security etc. so the child will be satisfied and stop acting up, and we can move on to what the functional adult would do. It has worked pretty well for me.

Well I hope that's helpful. If not, please disregard.

Take care dear Blueberry, and everyone.

 

[- Trigger warning maybe -]

Hey Blueberry and others,

Yes, that is the pivotal question isn't it? What if we could just heal that core wound and be done with it. Maybe it is wishful thinking. I do believe we will continue to have work to do, be it at different levels or layers, progressively more subtle as we go along. And we will be feeling better the further we go.

But on the other hand, I do think I've come a long way already, seeing where I was at and where I am now. And if you ask me which therapy specifically has helped me, well, there have been several. Like you, I do well when different approaches are combined in response to what comes up at a given moment.

Yes, EMDR worked amazingly for some big wounds I had. I couldn't have imagined it would work that well. I don't quite understand it but it has done a lot for reducing my overall anxiety.
This was combined with 'schema-therapy' that's used a lot in my country. It is sort of like Parts therapy, but not IFS so I'll get to that in your other thread.
- Trigger warning maybe -
And what also helped tremendously, certainly on the core wound I'd say, or on the part that most strongly carried the core belief, the part that was so scared it did not even dare move or make a sound, the part that I was so afraid to look at because she looked nearly dead to me, was 'imaginary or imagery rescripting'. What we did was, we went to the part, the T stepped into the picture as well and proceeded to give the part what it had actually needed at the time. That way, the original part was still there, but an alternative was put next to it that was happy, content, alive etc. If you would have told me this would work so well I would not have believed it, because we cannot change the real past or the way we felt can we, but actually the brain cannot distinguish between reality and fantasy all that well and the 'fantasy' is still there in my mind now and I can also choose to go back to that when I feel I need to. I carry that around too and it is helpful.

But what I think made the biggest change in my life regarding that core wound, I would say wasn't 'therapy' but it was a spiritual realisation (through a teacher that I have strong faith in) of "I am actually okay", I am a good person despite what I was made to feel. I do believe that now. And I believe you are too. If you want to hear about it, let me know.

Thank you Chart, for reading all that. I appreciate it.     

Hello strawberrycat, I've been reading your journal so far and also just wanted to welcome you here too. Like the others, I've found this forum, the people here and their insights enourmously helpful. I hope it will be like that for you too.

I can recognize so much you're saying. Especially the part where you say you were loathing yourself hits me like it was me. I'm very sorry you were made to feel that way and nobody should ever have to.

But you say it's in the past and I'm glad to hear that for you, it is. For me though, in a way, it's not. In the sense that, I carry all these feelings of unworthiness with me still.    So that's what I'm working on here.

Wishing you all the best. 

OH, I forgot the GOOD news! 

I got some new tattoos. Had been meaning to get those and squeezed that into my schedule somehow 

One is a "Cassandra" lettering tattoo, in an old typewriter font, running down my entire shin. For the Cassandra-syndrome, and believing there is actually 'something' going on with me.

And the other is 'Anxiety' from the Inside Out 2-movie. She's been trying to protect me for such a long time, I've been thinking I need to honour her, not condemn her. She's been my Friend really.

[- Another note on feeling guilty -]

- Another note on feeling guilty -

Yes, still feeling guilty. The thing is, I still don't think I miss my mom all that much, now that she's gone. It feels so wrong writing this. It sounds very harsh. Because she wasn't a 'bad' person, she was just not a very good mother, not the mother I needed. She was too scared to be that. Too scared to open up.

On her deathbed, she couldn't talk anymore, but I knew she could hear me and I only said things that I thought would help her. I had already decided that I was not gonna try to reach any resolution with her. She would never have understood and I didn't wanna cause her any more distress. It had meant putting my inner child at a distance.

And now the child keeps saying to me: I don't really feel I miss her.

There's no conversations I used to have with her that I miss. I used to only tell her things that would make her feel better, or try to not make her feel any worse at any rate. She was always terrified and anxious and depressed, so I usually only told her positive things. Never anything about me not feeling so great. It was never the whole me talking to her. Always on guard not to say anything 'wrong'.

Any time I was with her felt like a strain to me. I had to limit my time with her, for my sake. I never felt good enough around her. Or understood. Or that she liked our kids. Or the choices I made.

But I still felt I had to take care of her. I had only recently learned to put some boundaries in place at least. To protect myself. To not take her with us for sleepovers on holidays. Only take her during the days, and then bring her back home. I was gonna do that. Even if that did make part of me feel guilty. It was a big decision for me. It was necessary.

And I don't miss feeling inadequate. Feeling unloved. Feeling alone and abandoned.

It's so strange. Like my reference point is gone. Or rather, the Inner Critic's reference point is gone. So now what? Feeling unmoored. A dizzying sort of freedom.

Now, what's left is my inner patterns. Repeating the way I felt and then remembering: there's no need to feel like this anymore. I can now feel what I want, do what I think is right without the lack of approval, without the unsaid judgements, without the looks, the harsh comments. Without her not quite liking me. I can be who I am. And I am all right.

Feeling strange.

There have only been a few times that I felt really sad after my mom died. Those were the times I cried. And they were about her not being able to be happy.

I'm coping pretty wel I think. Keeping everything on track mostly. There was only one time, right before the summer holiday was about to start, that I really lost it. See, I've got this way of trying to do everything right, I don't know if I'll ever lose that, it's such a deeply ingrained pattern. And at some point, I couldn't do it anymore, well I cannot control everything can I, and I find it very very hard when something goes 'wrong' that I think I was supposed to take care of, that was my responsibility. It feels life threatening. As if no one will ever want to be with me anymore whenever I do something 'wrong' or make a mistake.

So here's what lead up to it. My brother and I had been clearing out our late mom's house. This was 'a pain and a process' indeed, like San wrote. The paper work that needed to be sorted out was immense. My mother had literally kept everything, every pay slip she ever received, every licence my grandfather's business ever needed, every everything. (Not to mention some paper stating the criminal investigation into my grand father's alleged collaboration with the Germans in the second world war had not produced any evidence, something we had never heard of naturally. Quickly buried that again.)
And lots and lots of photographs, going back more than a century. Interesting stuff too, but it had mostly been difficult and painful sifting through all of them because they reminded us of what we didn't have. Warmth, happiness, security, ... Pang, pang, pang, ... This took us weeks.
And there were her clothes. My mom and I sort of shared wardrobes really. If ever she said anything nice about me it wasn't actually about me but about the clothes I was wearing. And I felt so guilty about having to throw most of it away. It really hurt. Still does.
And we found her diaries. And I was quite hesitant about reading them. And they confirmed everything I knew about her. She did not know how to deal with emotions. She wrote nothing emotional nor anything about feelings whatsoever. She just wrote lists of things she had done. Went to take care of the horse. Went to take care of the horse again. Went to take care of the horse again. Etc. Just long stretches of repetitive activities.

And we had gotten some cute new guinea pigs, very sweet little creatures, two girls this time but some weeks later, one turned out to be pregnant of course, classic isn't it. And then the mother guinea pig did not feed her baby, she didn't do anything to take care of it, she just left it lying there on it's own so I flew into a panic and went and fed the little one myself, every three hours mind you, also during nights. That didn't help me feeling so great. But it so felt like my responsibility solely. Little one did pull through though! And mother did pick up caring for him after a while. Phew.
And then, after only three-and-a-half weeks, I had to take him away from his mother, otherwise we'd end up with another nest, but that just broke my heart too, the little one squeaking for his mother, o dear, this was just the perfect reminder of how I'd felt when my mom never comforted me. (We'll put him back with the girls as soon as he's castrated so he won't be alone anymore.)

And I had been taking care of so many many things in the end of school period. My son finally had his dyslexia confirmed, after I had been persistently pushing school and other agencies to look into it for a very long time, it had taken quite some perseverance and I had almost let it go. And my daughter is upgrading her studies, that's great but now she needed to do extra work too. And there were school plays, school camp, etc. etc. and some stupid water splashing event that was supposed to be funny to the kids leaving school but it wasn't to my son, he's sensitive, I love him for that, and he came out crying his eyes out and literally wanting to disappear into the bushes. I felt so bad for him and that sent me into an EF for not being able to prevent him feeling so bad. And in a state of extreme disstress, I took him to his next activity which was unsafe driving probably. And I had to call in sick for the rest of the afternoon but I was sort of back at work the next day, so I think I'm doing better than before, when something like this would have taken me weeks to recover from.

And for the most part, I don't think I really miss her that much. And writing this, I instantly feel guilty. Or rather, I've got this guilt underlying everything I do these days. About not missing her that much.

And I have been thinking about how I've dealt with everything so far. By trying to do everything 'right', the way I think others would approve of. The way that she would have approved of. Not the way I would consider 'right'. It's survival, I think.

And at some point I felt I was feeling very anxious indeed, and I realised I am afraid of part of my brother too. He and I do get along very well, we know each other very well and we have this shared miserly past and this means a lot to me. But he also has this side to him that can get quite angry at others for stuff that people don't understand. I think he's on the spectrum and that's fine but the thing is I'm trying to prevent him getting mad at me, although I cannot remember any time he's ever gotten mad at me. It's just me. I'm just so afraid of anyone getting angry at me. Like being afraid they'd get mad at little me for nothing in the old days. My brother and I had been texting quite a lot about every little thing that needed to be taken care of relating to our mom's inheritance and I realised I was anxious that maybe he'd think I was texting him too much and I was annoying him. It was quite the realisation for me to see that little me was actually afraid. So there you go. Seeing that was helpful.

And I've still got the tooth ache, which is not actually a tooth ache but me tensing my face muscles too much, squeezing some nerve, but it's lessened. Losing weight inadvertently. And I've got this lump in my breast that I really need to have checked out, I will. Had that a few times before and it turned out to be okay but one needs to be sure about these things.

So yeah, it's a lot.

Very nice San! 

hey Silveris, this is interesting what you're writing.
I'm not sure what I have is of the same kind, but this is what came up while reading this thread: I tend to not feel any emotions for a long time, that is I do feel part of me is sad and needs to cry but it can take ages (like weeks) before I can really FEEL it. I was taught to bury any negative feelings and I've gotten very good at it. I have trouble getting to the crying sad part of me. The way it comes out, after ploughing on like you say for a long time, is in the form of Anger. I get angry at a tiny little thing that goes wrong and I can just explode. I've learned that this is the angry child part of me, who needs to be seen and acknowledged for how well she's been behaving and how hard she's been trying to do everything right, without anyone even noticing. And I also learned, underneath this anger, really, is buried sadness. And a profound unfulfilled longing to be seen. Only I have such a hard time reaching the sadness. The waves are there, but they stay beneath the surface with me.