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Yes, me too Dalloway.

And I'm sorry you're feeling this way. You are a loveble and lovely person! 

The thing is, Papa Coco - you DO help others.

Very true!

Thank you, very helpful.

Hi Papa Coco, I'm sorry too you're in an EF. It's coming through loud and clear. I can just almost feel your head exploding with all this learning. What I've learned when my head is too full like that, is to do something physical, like sweeping up the leaves in our garden for an hour or so, angrily or happily, it doesn't matter. Just something with psysical movement. Please disregard if that's not for you. It's just what came up with me.

And I do so appreciate you not feeling ready to be a therapist. I feel we have too many therapist already. If everyone would 'just' focus on cleaning up their own stuff first, we all would be in a much better place together I think. And that's what you're doing! And we will know how to relate to another person without reacting to our own reactions instead.

And I do feel you have in fact been making progress as you can feel - while you're in the EF - that this EF is slightly less worse than the ones before. That's awareness! Although it still sux to be in it I know. I hope you'll feel better soon.

Big hugs    Your PTUN (with CPTSD)

Hi Sense Organ, I'm glad today was better already. And you did do the turning around yourself too. Very good.
And I'm impressed by how well and detailed you describe what was actually causing the EF. You are learning and growing tremendously.

And

I remember all those years before I knew about CPTSD and EF's, where this horror had free reign to undermine the little self worth I had left. An EF is still a free-fall, but I know in the back of my mind what's actually happening.

That resonated with me big time. It's such a difference to at least know what's going on.

 

I'm a little tired atm but just wanted to get a few words into my journal.

Two days ago my brother and I sold our late mother's house and handed over the keys to the new owners. Big event. The notary said some stupid things about our family being harmonious, what the ...! But whatever. Good to have this over with.

The rest of the day I was completely hyped up. Yesterday I was regaining my ground. And today, the dominant feeling turns out to be: "There, now you (M) can really totally stop with your opinions or judgements or lack of approval or what have you in response to whatever we're doing." I can completely let go of all of that now.

 

I will make my own judgements about how I'm doing. Good.

Hi Dalloway, what I've practiced is to see the IC as a stern old lady and to literally tell her off when she comes criticising me for whatever it is this time. I tell her I know she is trying to protect me but that is no longer needed and I tell her to go sit on a bench in the distance and go read a book. She likes that she is still visible (although no longer audible) and she likes to read so that helps. I sometimes need to tell her off a few times before she gets that I really don't want to listen anymore.

 

It's good you're saying these things beet and they are heartwrenching to hear. I've always thought tickling can be very overpowering and wrong that way. It's a power thing, I agree. Especially adding to /in the context of the CSA I think this is clear (apologies if the English is off, I'm a little tired). And rotten. I'm sorry this happened to you.

And unfortunately I know what it's like to have a mom around while the abuse is happening, a mom who did not intervene or protect you. This will be one of the hardest things to live with. I hear you.

a hug if that's okay 

I'm with you too SO. I'm sorry you're in an EF. Sometimes it's just so hard to tell what tips our boat. And it's difficult to accept any situations that 'should' be positive. It will not always be positive for us, there's just so much going on inside. It's okay. And we see you.
 
I hope you will feel better soon.
 

Hi Bach, I can totally relate to the way you were worrying about the parrot and just having to go check up on her. It's just impossible to let go of an urge like that. I think you are taking good care of her too.

Hi San, just dropping my to say I'm sorry you're not feeling well at all.

Also, sorry I missed your birthday and sending some late birthday wishes anyway.

[I edited something out because I felt it may have been bothersome]

Big hugs and lots of good whishes for you

Thank you too, Blueberry 

Thank you friends, for being here and for your kind words and understanding. It means a lot to me. Big hugs back

 

[I knew]

I do feel I have lots of replying to do to your posts, before I may get down to my own troubles. Still, I do need get something off my chest so apologies my friends.

- Trigger warning -

Today, I was caught off guard. I knew today was gonna be triggering. (I do hate by the way, the way people all over use these words nowadays - 'triggered' - or - 'trauma' - without having a clue what they're talking about. Being one of us who knows what it is like being triggered and traumatised.) I had been very busy again these past two weeks and I had been managing nonetheless.

I went out to lunch with a small group of my best friends today. In the town that I used to live in with the Narcissist (another one of those much misused words) who re-traumatised me. The way we get into the wrong relationships again, repeating harmful patterns of behaviour because they are what we know.

It happened before, I should try to remember now, that these friends triggered me because I assume I'm safe with them. Well, I am safe of course, in a matter of fact way, but not safe from triggering remarks. I let my guard down.

So I got off the train and the place had changed a lot so immediately, I was disoriented and I had some trouble getting there, even though I was using Google Maps (this is a town that I lived in for six years mind you and the lunch place was near the biggest landmark of the city), I only half knew where I was.

So I was passing all these places that I had walked with him, mostly being drunk and doped up at that time because it was the only way I could pretend to be there at all, while actually I was completely dissociated because it was impossible to feel what was going on and survive. I walked these places again today, this club we used to you to, shops we visited, the streets we walked (he liked walking through this town and we used to do so a lot) etc etc. And it seemed like I was there for the first time and it was only now I realised how CROWDED this place is. This is because now I was actually feeling something walking there. I stopped feeling anything soon after this walk I think.

And after I arrived at the restaurant I told my friends I had had a bit of trouble getting there and they said they had too. This dismissed my feelings, I realise in hindsight. And I said I had not been back to this town since I left (FLED this town I should have said really). And then one of my friends, I consider her the wisest, looked at me with a quizzing look, asking 'did you not want to go back?' or something. The last thing I felt was feeling I had to defend myself. And that's when I checked out I think. INDEED, I had not wanted to go back - lots of swearing needed here, I won't but you know what I mean. They've really got no clue apparently. How traumatising this period actually was. How I had had to get away to save anything that was left of me. There was not much left of me but at some point I knew I had to save myself and I did.

And then after a while sitting there talking some more the same friend started describing this really nice place that she had visited in the same town just a week ago, such a nice little place bla di bla etc and from her description, she hadn't even mentioned the name of the place yet, I knew I knew this place. Yes, we used to go there together, the N and me. Such a nice little place. Like ****.

- Trigger warning -

They do not know of the time I stood in the rooftop gutter threatening to jump, hoping he would come get me back and he did. I never told anyone. I need to tell you. Here it is. This was one of the worst places I was ever at. And I do not like going back there indeed. The ringing in my ears is tremendous.

Walking back to the station with my friends today, I did not know where I was, I did not know our countries' biggest train station anymore, my friend had to guide me to the platform. And in my home town, my routine helped me a little bit but I didn't even feel I could breath until I got off the metro by myself after saying goodbye to my friend.

And when I got home, I was still thinking it had been the crowded streets that had unnerved me. But as it turns out, these dear friends' remarks were the real triggers.

It's just so hard dealing with these triggers when you least expect them. And they hit me so hard I didn't even notice. I am home safe. I will do some calming exercise now. Thank you for being with me if you managed to read this far.

Hi NK, just a little note here to let you know I'm reading this too.
And although it may feel very uncomfortable I think you are actually making great progress. So well done you. 

As for communicating with the teen, looking at it from my perspective, I don't know if that's the case for you, but it reminds me of the way my mother dealt with me at that age and that is simply not dealing with anything that was going on, just ignoring the whole situation. The teen was just totally on her own. So to re-connect with this teen would take patience I think. And take it really easy with the teen. Maybe initially only letting her know you're here and waiting. Please ignore if it's not helpful.