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Messages - Blueberry

#7771
Suicide Ideation/Self Harm / Re: Coping Strategies?
April 21, 2017, 09:58:42 PM
The only coping mechanism I had that used to work for any length of time was wearing socks on my hands. Gloves didn't work, it had to be socks. That somehow calmed my fingers and I didn't pull my hair out. Even the impulse and inner pictures of it happening used to go. The major drawback was: there were many important and quite normal tasks / movements during the day which were pretty difficult to carry out when the use of my fingers was obstructed. This salient point was addressed in one of the inpatient places I was in. They forbade wearing socks, they said: you can buy cotton gloves, which I did. But it didn't work, and somehow since the time the Ts in the inpatient place said: "no socks!", the effect of wearing socks on my hands has completely gone.

In the form of therapy there you signed a contract to abstain from all addictive/destructive behaviour and if you breached this, you had to "own up" and discuss what led to the breach. I managed "no socks" and no breach for 3 whole days, which was ginormous but in that time period, I had so much loose energy in my hands and arms I didn't no what to do with it. I felt like I was going crazy because I basically couldn't do anything constructive or creative with my hands. I think it's as if my hands are traumatised / trauma is stuck in my hands. I can do more constructive things with my hands now, but it took a long time to find a form of therapy that would help. Eventually I worked together with an occupational therapist who was willing to be guided by me in trauma-adapted T (you don't say 'trauma-adapted' in English, but I've forgotten what you do say).

Wearing socks on my hands made me think of babies, who sometimes wear mittens without any fingers, because they don't need their fingers. Somehow I felt a bit like a baby in my hands, and it was actually a good feeling. Not that I ever told the Ts about this baby feeling, but I think it shows that their 'interference' was not unfounded.

I know that my method of self-harm isn't fatal but it is very, very deeply ingrained.
#7772
Thank you, ThreeRoses for your comment. Between reading Candid's comment and coming back here, I got as far as thinking of leaving SIL out. Originally I thought I'd have to send her her own email because a) the family blow-out in the summer was precipitated by her and b) I thought I've read in many places including at OOTF that you're meant to communicate with the person in question and not via somebody else. So if I wrote just to her h, my B, I would be triangulating and being FOGGY and setting a bad example to FOO, as in hoping they'll overlook the fact that I'm communicating in an inappropriate i.e. dysfunctional manner. If you ask me what I myself think, then that is: Why should I tie myself in knots to communicate in a 100% emotionally healthy, non-dysfunctional way when the rest of FOO - all supposedly sane and normal - can't communicate in a healthy way either? As in expecting perfectionism from myself while letting FOO off the hook in multiple ways.

For both of you, Candid and 3Roses, if you care to read, I have done years of cathartic exercises in therapy of all sorts and I have never got to the end of this stuff. I don't know how to say all the types of therapy i've done in English, so I won't bother, but I know that some are 'accredited' forms, which do work even for traumatised people (complex, like us).

Maybe as FOO SG (this is me, no question, tho B1 spent part of his life as this as well, but not as an adult) and as the person I am with my personality and experiences and will and wishes and beliefs (and whatever else make up an individual) I'll never rest until I take this last step? Maybe I need it in order to break free, internally? Rather than hanging on, hoping and wondering.

As a friend of mine (not traumatised, but nonetheless with incredible understanding of emotional issues and good knowledge of me and what I've been through with my FOO) suggested: sounds as if I need to get angry at FOO and direct this anger towards them  rather than fleeing, which is what I have done up till now.
That doesn't mean that this friend is right, nor that I'm discounting your feedback.

I guess I'll take the whole topic to therapy next week. In the meantime I may write some more cathartic letters. If I'm not considering sending them, then I don't need to expend energy on walking a tightrope while writing. I can just go and feel really properly angry.
#7773
Dear Candid,    :hug: to you
Thank you for your feedback on me not being judgemental on here. It means a lot to me to get honest feedback because - well you probably know all about the inner critic on the rampage. Oh yeah  :bigwink: that's the subject of this thread. Thanks for your other feedback too. Need to let that sit for a bit and go and gather food for my little (starving) critters in the meantime.
#7774
Recovery Journals / Re: Blueberry's Journal
April 21, 2017, 02:20:23 PM
So I wrote the first of my FOO letters under Recovery Letters and have noticed some progress today already. Just now I finally wrote an email to one of the clients I was having trouble writing to yesterday. The one who is always pushing the limits I set her. She owes me a penalty fee for her late payment, and I requested this, no qualms and no self-destructive behaviour or self-haranguing thoughts. I was teaching her daughter this afternoon and I was much more 'daring' with the daughter too. Your mother has to tell me this and this by tomorrow! You have to work out whether it is more important for you to come for extra lessons before your super-important final exam during the time slots I can give you or whether it's more important to do a myriad of other activities you've been listing (there's nothing like finding excuses for not coming to extra lessons - not that I added this bit in so many words)! It's fine by me if you don't come, but I need to know before Monday!

I, Blueberry, am unashamedly setting limits, in an area where there is no reason for me to be ashamed, except all what I learned from FOO! This is not the first time I've had difficult clients and the past few days have not been the first time I've had a lot of trouble standing up for myself and/or being completely incapable of it. The sign for/proof of this inability is me not being able to stop doing something which the forum rules do not permit me to write about in regular threads (with good reason).

I also got on with various jobs I was incapable of doing yesterday, like washing dishes. If I can't even settle down to do the dishes or don't have the stamina / concentration to finish them, life is bad. ie bad sign. That's the way it was yesterday. Normally washing dishes is grounding and makes me happy because the visual improvement in the kitchen is immediate and great.

And I started using up food leftovers (in fridge and in packets) instead of using 'new' food. This is good because 1) it's been on my medium-term To Do list for a while and 2)  it's obviously more efficient and cheaper for me to use what I immediately have available than keep leaning further and further out gathering supplies from further afield. Which seems to be a habit of mine despite not really having the money to do this. So instead of using some form of mental blunt force to, well, force myself into white-knuckled abstinence, thereby causing myself to expend even more energy and eventually causing the  :fallingbricks: effect, which leads back into addiction  and big problems emotionally :sadno:  :blowup:  :sharkbait: (as you can see from the number of different emoticons).
#7775
Recovery Journals / Re: Blueberry's Journal
April 21, 2017, 01:47:22 PM
Thanks Hope, she's doing better already with the medicine I had at home. I didn't even have to take her to the vet's.  :thumbup: Because vet trips cost money and time and hassle. Of course I take my pets if I need to, but if I can cure the problem at home with own knowledge and experience, all the better.
#7776
Dear SIL2,

Of course I'm writing to your h too, but in future I'd really appreciate if you both could be honest in advance.

In retrospect it was not only bad for me to be staying with you at C F but also undoubtedly for you. You had it all set up for you and h and the girls to have your own place to retreat to, to get away from extended family and then, bloody *, I got dumped on you instead.

So I apologize for ending up staying with you and not being able to say in advance unequivocally that I wanted and needed a different solution. I did try. And especially I asked your h if he was OK with me staying with you all at F C. He said I was very welcome. This was apparently a lie, but it is not my fault that he did not tell me the truth on this issue. It is also not my fault that he could not say "No way!!" to (his and my) M. It was her suggestion putting me there. Your irritation ought to have been directed towards her for suggesting it and/or him for not setting limits. Certainly not towards me.

Some of your behaviour towards me in those few days was absolutely unacceptable. You kept dropping "mental health issues" at regular intervals in conversation at the party at the R  C. Do you think you'd be happy if people constantly mentioned "physical disability" if you were sitting in a wheelchair? Or worse if you had a child with some impairment, would you be happy if somebody kept focussing on that? I don't think so.  If I want to talk about my own health, I do, but it's my decision to talk about it with whom I want, how I want, using the words I want. It's nobody else's business.

You also were the only one in the family to suggest to me I might be heading back home before I had even thought that far myself. I know you like to be organised but in future leave me to come to my own conclusions and make my own decisions where you and your family are not directly impinged upon! I'm sure with all your and h's good parenting skills (really, I'm being honest here), you would have managed to work out what to say to your DDs. Note I say "directly impinge on": it is not your job to try and change me.

I strongly object to being treated as family scapegoat. I know you don't like or get on well with your MIL. But it is not acceptable to dump your criticism of her / bad feelings about her on me just because there is a family taboo on criticising her. I am NOT my M.

#7777
Letters of Recovery / letters to FOO
April 21, 2017, 07:13:29 AM
It's time I wrote FOO letters: to F, M, SIL2, B2, B1 not necessarily in that order. I do intend to send these letters. My goal is to finally as an adult-on-the-road-to-recovery express anger (instead of fleeing), set limits, give them and me one last chance before I go VVVVLC or NC with those not willing to work on contact with me under my conditions.

The recommended route of basically saying nothing and going NC doesn't seem to be working for me. I realise now that my various addictive habits, strengthened in last little while, and my depression of the last weeks, which is paralysing me, are there because I am denying myself this wish to finally say something, come what may.

I do welcome feedback esp. when I'm JADE-ing too much or setting myself up for too much emotional hurt / injury from FOO.  I'm especially interested in feedback from those of you who feel they have moved out of the FOG and actually pinpointing a sentence or words where I'm starting to set myself up for emotional hurt from FOO. This will enable me to review and change my letters before sending them.

Thanks very much for taking any time for this! Nobody should feel they have to read letters to all my FOO members.
#7778
Today I was pulling out hair more than usual, because of being so brain-fogged while trying to do some work that I haven't been able to do / been putting off doing for a few weeks now. I gave myself a deadline: it has to be done by the end of this week. So tomorrow. But I did want to try today too because doing things at the last minute tends to trigger me in other ways. So when I realised how vicious my hair-pulling was becoming, I stopped trying to do this work to post on here, then moved over to reading on OOTF then came back here. I got much clearer in my head, but I haven't done my work. It's late evening here, so should be going to bed soon.

When I re-read this whole self-injury post of mine, I realised: there I go again, SI or addiction (eating) in order to complete my paid work. What I was trying to do this early evening was a whole different kettle of fish from the other time. This time it's not the nit-picking decisions, it's setting limits to one set of clients who are constantly pushing my limits and calculating appropriate payment for a second set of clients who have no problem with paying, so the problem is??? I suppose it's maybe the issue of demanding payment at all for work. Yes, inner head nods. That's the difficulty. This old issue of: I shouldn't really exist, but if I do dare to, then work I do is a sort of pay-off for my being a burden on the world in general, I shouldn't be charging money on top of it. My FOO, with whom I realise I'm still enmeshed, doesn't even think this now. It's just what's left of decades of damage and remarks in other contexts. The falling bricks effect  :fallingbricks: of traumatisation.

I also ask myself: is working worth it if the only way I can keep going is by destroying myself? But I guess it is. Being overweight and not being able to stop over-eating is a common enough problem and my self-injury isn't fatal. Also I do get satisfaction from some aspects of my work. Also if I applied for welfare instead, I would just feel like even more of a burden and would quite possibly re-double my SI and over-eating among other unhealthy pastimes.
#7779
1) I made myself a spice tea, which has to be simmered on the stove for 15 minutes (so it's more effort). It tasted really good and I'm using up food stores instead of buying new things.
2) The sun shone all day
3) I picked some bright yellow flowers to put in my apartment
#7780
sanmagic, you are very supportive. You seem to take time to support many people. So that means you're very caring too.
#7781
Elphanigh, that sounds a bit like Little Book of Daily Joys, except that you're limiting yourself to 3, which could be very good for overachievers / People who put themselves under too much pressure. I kept a a Joy Diary for a few years and it was really helpful.

Three Good Things today: I managed to stay in my Adult person all day while I was with a very young friend; I had fun with my little friend; the sun kept coming in and out all day.
#7782
Recovery Journals / Re: joyful's journal
April 17, 2017, 05:39:11 PM
Quote from: joyful on April 17, 2017, 03:58:59 PM
QuoteI find that maybe we are a bit more prone to it because someone has introduced a sexual layer of life to us that someone so young should never have.
I agree. I see it in my younger sister also, it makes me wonder what has happened to her  :'(

:yeahthat:

:hug: to you Joyful.
#7783
Recovery Journals / Re: Blueberry's Journal
April 17, 2017, 05:35:27 PM
Candid, thanks for the encouragement about taking things at my own pace as regards contact to M and F. And not thanking them because that's what they expect. So they'll just have to get used to that not happening. Arrgh. It's hard, going through this whole withdrawing oneself from FOO, but remaining in FOO going along with all their expectations was not the answer either, putting it mildly.
Without feeling too much into the emotions, I try and remind myself of the utter anguish and devastation I went through last summer when I heard via B1 what B2 thinks of me, that B2 had never told me. And even if it isn't all true (B1 does have a history of adding his own spin), some of it is. Add to that the anguish of realising, really realising at a deep-down level of my emotions, how no one in FOO is willing to go out on a limb to help me stay in the family, stay on at the family celebrations, though they expect me to do it for M... The only one who asked if I couldn't somehow stay was SIL1 (my nephews and nieces weren't given the chance) I have to remember this anguish, to not allow myself to be reeled in again. Some members of FOO don't care, some just don't get it, they're not in contact with their own emotions enough to really understand, I think anyway that might be the problem. But it's not my job to get them in contact with their own emotions, or preserve them from their own emotions.

Oh by the way I hadn't seen most members of FOO for four years, just F I had seen more recently.

There's no kind of answer except just keep on going and trying to take the best care of me I can, which I haven't been doing too much of over Easter. I could do with some  :hug:  :hug: My pets are too small to do this. Maybe monkeys and koala bears could do that, but private zoos aren't allowed in my town.
#7784
General Discussion / Re: discounting my good deeds
April 17, 2017, 04:55:42 PM
hee hee sanmagic, good way of seeing it.  ;) we're allowing our friends to feel good about themselves, and if they don't manage to set limits (if it becomes too much) then that's a little something they need to work on.
#7785
General Discussion / Re: discounting my good deeds
April 17, 2017, 04:52:57 PM
Thank you Elphanigh, that's it exactly. Thank you for your encouragement. It means a lot.