I have spent my life trying to please everyone in it. Doing what other people want and ignoring my own feelings and needs. I am trying to change that but man is it hard. At this point in my life I can honestly say I don't know who I am. It feels as if I have spent all my time, bending and twisting myself into what people want and need. In doing that I never learned about myself. My last therapist would regularly ask me what I like, what my hobbies are, what I enjoy and I couldn't answer. He was the first person to understand why. I can tell people hobbies and interests but I use generic things. Like listening to music, who doesn't like listening to music?
It's a strange feeling realising that you don't actually know yourself. If I don't know who I am, how can anyone else? I don't even know how to describe myself. Really bizarre.
I have always been a strong defender of other people. Fiercely protective of those I care about. To the point of putting myself in danger and getting hurt, just to protect those around me. Never have I had anyone protect me in the same way.
I have had support throughout my life from my family but I was never able to go to them when it really mattered. Things that no child should have to keep to themselves. It never felt like a safe space to talk about those things. Also if I'm brutally honest I didn't feel like anyone would really care. They might go through the motions but it wouldn't be as important as everything else that was going on. That's how I felt. Even now, my Mum knows a lot but she certainly doesn't know everything as I know it would upset her. I know she feels she failed me and I don't want her to feel worse. My Mum did the very best that she could and I truly believe that. She had a lot to deal with and as the youngest of 6 I kind of got lost in the mix. Until I started playing up. That became the only way I got noticed but the guilt I felt at causing my Mum more trouble was immense. I just wanted someone to realise that I existed too. In the end my oldest sister moved me in with her for 4 months so I was out of the toxic environment at home. It did help me at school and my mood did improve somewhat. But I was in constant fear for Mum and what she was having to deal with. One of my brothers and one of my sisters were still living at home and they were horrific. My brother was violent and my sister manipulative and spiteful. Also a thief. I was always worried about what was happening and I knew things were going on that I wasn't being told about. I would always find out when I went home at weekends and that just made my anxiety worse the next week. I dreaded moving back home but I also couldn't wait to be back so I could help my Mum.
I used to rely heavily on my oldest sister. She was like a second Mum for a lot of years. But I slowly started to realise that every time I went to her, I would end up getting a lecture on what I should or shouldn't be doing but done under the guise of advice and sincerity. It got to the point that when I found out I was pregnant and I told her, I asked her not to lecture me about it. Her response to that was 'well that means you weren't careful'. That was the very reason I was nervous about telling her. I knew there would be comments made. I find it really hard as in the last year or so I have gone virtually NC with all my siblings. I say virtually because I believe since I walked away I have spoken to 3 on at least one occasion, there was always a distinct reason and since those interactions there have been nothing.
I do not look back on my childhood and think of happy times. In fact I find it really hard to think of any and I really have to sift through memories before I come to one. Don't get me wrong they are there, just hard to find. I am only just really unpacking my childhood and all that has happened. I always placed a lot of my trauma starting when I was a teenager but my last T made me realise that my childhood was really damaging. I find that knowledge alone really hard to accept because I am really starting to see how badly I was failed. How I slipped through the cracks, even though many people knew home life was turbulent. I'm starting to appreciate where my anger comes from and why I struggle to maintain healthy relationships of any kind.
I know I have a very long way to go and I am currently not in therapy. It ended earlier this year and I have yet to find a way to tackle my anxiety and get back to the Dr's. I have a hard time trusting Dr's as I have been passed from pillar to post for years. I find going to the Dr's about my mental health really triggering. It took me trying to leave it all for me to finally be noticed and taken seriously by professionals. Unfortunately I only had 6 months with my last T. A real shame and a real loss for me as I really trusted this man. For the first time, I was telling my story and not being judged. Not being told I didn't have it that bad or that I was lying, or there were holes in my story. My weekly sessions were my lifeline and I miss him dearly. Unfortunately that is the way of it. I can only get 12-24 weeks of sessions through the NHS it would seem.
I know I'll get there, I have to. I have a small human depending on me and I am determined for them to NEVER feel the way I did as a child. That way I hope they will never feel like I do as an adult. I cannot protect my child from everything, I know that but I hope I can make sure my baby knows they will never be alone. That whenever they should need someone I will always be there.
I'm hoping I can use this space to help unjumble the mess in my head and make a bit more sense of it. Hopefully this will work as helpful tool whilst I'm getting therapy sorted out. I'm hoping I won't feel so alone. I don't have any friends, my relationship has just failed and my Mum lives across a body of water. It is just me and my child, so I'm also hoping that reading others stories and just interacting with those who understand will help me dip my toe back into the world if you like. At this point I'm ready to try anything.
Hi Master of my Sea,
Ditto on the loss of identity. I can't write a resume. When pressed, I can't think of a single positive attribute or skill that I possess. And I also can't answer the questions about what I like or what are my interests. My interests were always whatever interests my family or friends were into. All MY interests were taken away from me by controlling parents and siblings. But if I jump on the bandwagon and adopt the interests of my peer group, then that way I could join them in doing stuff. As soon as they changed interests, so did I. Because they weren't my interests. They were theirs. I was just a tagalong.
I'm sorry to hear that getting a therapist long term is not easy to do. Building trust with a T is crucial, and it takes time. My first 6 therapists were ineffective. Almost narcissistic themselves. They were nothing more than Cognitive Behavior Therapists. Cognitive behavior therapy is what I call dog-training. If you don't feel good, then scream into a pillow, read a self-help book, and pay me $150. I told you how to get better, now the rest is on you! CBT's seemed to enjoy telling me that they were right and I was wrong. They liked scolding me a bit when I did things that were driven by my trauma flashbacks.
I met my current Therapist, who is a Dialectical Behavioral Therapist, in 1989. DBT is therapy which is focused on respecting and integrating all the parts of our brains back together. VERY different from being scolded by the daddy in the room, and then screaming into a pillow and calling it therapy. He was one of the two Therapists who hosted a men's group I was in that ran for nearly 15 years. The other therapist was a Narcissistic CBT who found great pleasure in being smarter than everyone else. When the men's group finally ended, I signed up with the good therapist to be his one-on-one patient. He's been in my life for 33 years, and for 20 of those years he's been my one-on-one therapist. Any time anyone can gain a permanent therapist who is qualified to help with Trauma disorders, that's a good thing.
I haven't asked you this yet, but have you read Pete Walker's book yet? It's almost a necessity for CPTSD. It's called Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. You are describing yourself as a fawn type, which you'll probably find is what most of us on this forum are. In order to feel safe, we fawn over other people. We were most likely born with caring hearts, so we fawn, in part, because we really do care about other people. BUT>>> We also fawn because it's safer to help others than to be punished for not helping. It took me a long time to accept that I was the kindest man I've ever met, NOT because I'm naturally this selfless, but because I'm afraid NOT to be. Kindness is an action. Anyone can behave kindly. So I do. It keeps me from getting beaten up. That was a tough pill for me to swallow. But there's so much truth in it. It was fun to think that I was kind because I was just a good person. Learning that I'm kind for reasons of safety isn't as flattering. But it's true. I fawn because I'm afraid not to. It's also called "being a doormat."
I protect myself by Fawning. If I get your coffee, and hold the doors for you, you'll like me enough to not hurt me. If Fawning doesn't work, I Flee. If I can escape you, and avoid you, your anger at me won't hurt me. If Fawning and Fleeing don't work then slip into Freezing, which is dissociation. My mind goes blank. I get silent. Silence used to help with my family. The more I tried to defend myself, the more the sharks wanted my blood. It's like they were predators. And what ignites the fury of a predator? Prey!. I was prey. The more I tried to defend myself the more excitedly they attacked me. So I learned to disconnect and stop talking. The more I just shut up and hid in my imagination, the less damage they could do to me. But when Freezing also doesn't fix the problem and I end up cornered, that's when I come out fighting. They used to say we either Fight or Flee. But Walker has taught us that it's four Fs, not two. We with CPTSD are always either fighting, fleeing, freezing or fawning. All for the same reason: Self defense. So my personal pattern is: To stay safe, I Fawn first; Flee second; Freeze third; and Fight as a last resort.
Fawns are beautiful people, but we carry it too far. We give up our own identity to become the Cinderella (For me, I call myself Cinder-Fella). It works. But it's an inauthentic way to live our lives.
I have confidence that you're going to find yourself eventually. I really recommend reading Pete Walker's book. It will help you to more fully grasp how you came to not know who you are.
When I think about what our families did to us, I compare it to what farmers do when they "break the spirit of a horse." When a wild horse is captured and taken out of its freedom and its life of running and roaming and being a wild horse, the first thing the farmer does is "break its spirit." That horse is tied to posts. Fed factory-made horse food and hay that's been mechanically cut, dried, hauled and distributed in small amounts to the horse. When the horse behaves in a way that serves the farmer, the horse is rewarded. It's punished if it behaves like a free spirit. Eventually the horse's will is broken. It develops Stockholm Syndrome and gives in to its captors. It becomes a faithful beast of burden, pulling wagons and letting spoiled kids sit on its back. It forgets who it once was.
That's what our families did to us. They broke our spirits. They covered over our own sense of self so they could turn us into their servants, or worse: their emotional whipping posts who take all the blame for their shortcomings.
Getting our wild spirit back is a slow process, and we may never fully achieve it, but the more we accept that it's there, the better chance we have of regaining some measurable sense of who we are. Who we were born to be. Who our own personal spirit secretly wants us to be. I guess the current buzzword to describe this is "our authentic selves".
Hey Papa Coco,
Oh I was always the tagalong. Even had it pointed out on many occasions.
I like to describe myself as a chameleon, I can be pretty much anything you want me to be. Don't like how chatty and energetic I am? No problem, when I am with you, I will be quiet and still. So many versions of myself for every single person in my life. It's no wonder I have always felt exhausted.
The problems arise when I can no longer keep up the act. When my own issues refuse to be ignored. All the 'friends' I have ever had have all been the same in the end. As long as I am available for them, to deal with their problems and be their shoulder, I am amazing and wonderful. As soon as I am not completely there, I am the worst person and I don't care about them. Or they just end up making my issues about them. So I gave up telling people the reality of my life. I remember losing lots of 'friends' in my last few years of secondary school because I refused to always be available. It was amazing to watch these people who I believed cared about me become so distant and uncaring, all because I was no longer serving them.
I can't stand CBT! I have had 3 rounds, low, medium and high intensity. The first was when I was around 18 I think and I don't remember anything apart from breath and write a worry diary. My second round, I was about 21 was better and I liked my T but it didn't really do anything. I didn't feel much better. My last round was high intensity whilst I was pregnant a couple of years ago. That I didn't even complete, the T said to me that there was nothing else she could provide. I had done it all and knew everything she could teach me. So much help :doh:
Last year I was put through for some more CBT and it got to the day of my appointment, I was speaking to the T and she apologised to me and said that I should have never made it that far through the process as they were not qualified to help me. It was the wrong therapy. That really messed me up as I was in a really bad way and desperately needed help.
Even the community mental health team will no longer work with me. I have a real lack of control of my emotions and quickly become overwhelmed and honestly, hysterical. I hate that word but it best describes it. I will start as extremely upset and it will always move to anger. I get loud and I lose all sense of control. I have yet to find someone (aside from my Mum) who doesn't shout back or understand (even though I have explained) that in that moment, my brain and my body are remembering something else. So yes I am a mess and having an extreme emotional reaction to something relatively small but I need help to remind me that I am safe. It may be tense but I am not in danger. Everyone just thinks I'm being nasty and shouting and hollering. I had a few moments like this with my co-ordinator, she would contact me after something bad had happened and then not fathom why I was triggered and instead of trying to help me out of it she would just patronise me and argue with me. It always ended in a full blown argument. I dreaded her calls. So even they didn't get it and it was their psychiatrist that diagnosed me as Neurodivergent with c-PTSD! On top of that I am waiting for an ASD assessment too.
I haven't read that. Thank you for the recommendation. I will definitely have a read. I am currently reading 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel van der Kolk. I have found it really eye opening and am learning so much about what has actually happened to my brain because of all the trauma. It is helping me to realise, I'm not crazy, my mind and body have literally been altered due to my experiences.
I have seen a lot about the four F's whilst doing my long hours of research into this thing that plagues my life. It would be interesting to read more about that.
I get so confused by myself. I used to be very vocal and strong willed or at least appeared that way to everyone around me. It was what I wanted. If I was seen as strong and quite frankly formidable then maybe people wouldn't try and hurt me. I have said for years I have mastered the F off vibe lol.
With ex partners that have been abusive, I was always told by friends and family that I was mean to them. In public these partners were the nicest people and everybody liked them but behind closed doors it was a different story. The strong, powerful girl would disappear and the quiet submissive would take her place. I would argue with these partners but my strongest reactions to them were always in front of friends and family. I would blow up over the smallest thing. It was all those emotions flooding to the surface and I felt I was in an environment where I could let go and be safe. People were around so nothing would happen. They would always look so wounded and hurt and I would be told how horrible I could be. But no one knew that ultimately I would pay for that. I think because of how big and bulshy I have always appeared, it stuns people to know what I have suffered. I was always the person that those things wouldn't happen to, because I wouldn't let them.
I have always defended myself, verbally and with great passion but there would be so many times that I would either just disappear from my body or I would just sit and take it. Never making a sound or saying a word. Now I will go either way, I'll either be triggered to an explosion or I'll just go quite and timid like a little mouse. I'm a full on rollercoaster :stars:
I like the Cinder-Fella, that's very good and the horse analogy is perfect. That's such a clear way of seeing it for what it is.
I still can't help but find myself thinking, 'oh it wasn't that bad. Look at all the support you have had off of your family all your life' but I need to remind myself too that I was bullied relentlessly by all of my siblings. There are still jokes and things today that I will laugh along with but secretly I feel sick. To them it was all harmless fun, to me it was daily torment I couldn't escape even at school because it just continued there from my peers. I love my family and wish them all well but I think it will be a very long time before I would even consider any true contact with them.
My priority for the first time in my life has to be me. I'm still learning how to do that but it needs to be done, my child needs a healthy Mum and I can't be that if I'm surrounded by people that have caused so much pain. Even if unintentionally.
Today has been a really hard day. I became acutely aware today of just how isolated I am.
If it wasn't for my child, I would have no one who checks in with me. I spoke to my Mum for the first time in days today and broke down.
It sounds really trivial but it's been almost 2 weeks since I have had anyone ask how I am. If I'm ok, just anything.
I've been almost numb for a few days, just unable to really feel anything. My sleep has been so broken and the nightmares have been relentless. It's like I've had a few days break from the emotional rollercoaster I have been on and then today...BOOM! I feel like I have been hit by a ton of bricks. I have barely been able to concentrate on anything, I've been like a zombie that occasionally bursts into tears.
And today would be the day that my child wakes up in just one of those moods. It's been real hard work trying to be Mum today. It always makes me feel so guilty when I know my patience is short and frayed and I'm not as engaged as I would normally be. All of this has just shown me how alone I really am right now. After I spoke to my Mum, that was it. All of my support had been tapped. I literally have no one else.
I feel like teenage me today. Just knowing that there isn't anyone to call on. Just having to deal with everything alone. Always seems to be the way. It sucks
It's so lonely to not have anyone to trust or let in.
I'm glad you are here and can get some support from us too.
I also have to put the mum hat on and accept that I am less present than I'd like to be much of the time. I think my kids know it isn't because I don't care. They just know I'm very spacey and forgetful. I think they know I love them and care about them and their world. I bet your kids know that too.
Thank you Armee.
I hope my little one knows that. Being a Mum is my only purpose it feels right now and I'm terrified of messing it up. My little one is my whole world.
My patience is frayed so easily at the moment and I really struggle with sensory overload, so having a toddler running around and being the noisiest person on the planet ;D can really tip that into overdrive. Which obviously doesn't help. It's a physical pain at times when there is too much going on.
I try to take myself away for a few minutes but I have realised that there is nowhere in my home that makes me feel relaxed. So I think today I am going to try and create a space that I can go to when I need those moments to come back to ground.
I used to have a grounding box as well so I think I'm going to remake that too.
I feel like I'm clutching at straws, trying to find a balance when everything is off kilter.
I guess it's baby steps all the way. I'm just struggling to be particularly positive at the moment.
Gentle hugs if you want them, sea. It absolutely is about baby steps. Small and consistent makes things last. I think the idea of creating a grounding box and/or a space just for you would be very helpful. Maybe while the kiddo naps, if they do? We're here to listen.
Thank you CactusFlower.
It just feels never ending.
I didn't end up creating a space but I did end up drawing which has helped me feel a bit calmer. I'm just glad I found something that chilled me out. FB's have been bad today. I feel like a walking disaster area. Hoping tomorrow is a better day
I relate to how hard it is to have a noisy toddler crawling on you through this mess of cptsd. I especially struggled with the noise and the physical touch when mine were younger. And like you being a good mom was and is all that matters to me.
I feel awful when I struggle to give hugs and sit and snuggle. But sometimes I just can't have anyone touching me. I'll even change my clothes throughout the day because I can't stand the feel of what I'm wearing. I try and explain that I just need a few minutes and I'll be there. That normally works but not always.
I will explain things as best I can as my little one gets bigger but at the moment that's pretty tricky. I do my best to not let it get in the way but sometimes it beats me.
I just do my best to make up for it when I'm in a better space.
Hi Master of My Sea,
Feeling comfortable in your space, and wearing clothes that you feel comfortable in - that's important.
It's great that you found some comfort in drawing.
Hope :)
I know, Master of my Sea. I would do the same. Change clothes, shower. Try to be right there but sometimes get stuck in the bathroom instead. It gets a little better though...the touching and personal space. I did have to teach my daughter to not touch me suddenly and quickly. To move slowly. She was older though like 8 or something. That helped.
Hi Hope,
I have to remind myself all the time that it's ok to do what I need to do in order to feel even a little bit better.
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So I think I had a little epiphany last night!
I was reading through some of the resources on here and came across the Beauty after Bruises article, Nightime 101: Sleep, Nightmares, Insomnia and More.
There was a bit that lit up a lightbulb in my brain. Here is the excerpt that lit up my brain:
When there are sooo many things that can keep a person from sleeping, it never hurts to be reminded to stop and consider...hm, maybe someone inside is keeping me up. While individual alters may be physically responsible for keeping you awake, for trauma survivors without DID, the younger aspects of yourself and traumatized parts of your mind may still need just as much attention and care. They could very much be the source of your restlessness, too.
This really got me thinking...could my inner child be trying to tell me something?
My sleep issues really kicked into high gear when I was around 11 years old, I am now 28 and it is extremely rare for me to sleep through the night. I have to be unwell or absolutely exhausted. Now a lot of happened to me starting around this age but the only thing that stood out, in regards to disturbed sleep, was my brother.
He is a couple of years older than me and suffers from epilepsy. It started when he was 11 but he wasn't diagnosed until I was 11 and he was 14. He had grand mal seizures and they were horrific to say the least. I remember them vividly. He had them all the time. I think the most he had in one day was 13, whilst he was in hospital. The seizures were bad but we all learned how to help and take care of him properly during and after them. There were many times that I ran the length of our school because someone had come and found me to tell me he was having a seizure. Unfortunately it was something we all ultimately had to get used to. Now, what I could never get used to were his night time seizures, these were the worst. He would start seizing in his sleep and wake up either during or just after and he wouldn't be able to see and would be scared and disorientated. He couldn't walk on his own or talk, nothing. But when he would wake up during/after these seizures, he would scream.
To this day I have never heard anything like it. Probably the most terrifying sound I have ever heard. These screams would jolt us all awake and we would all converge on his room to help him. Now I used to bolt up out of bed as soon as I heard that sound. It got to the point that I was so in tune to him that I would get to him before my Mum on many occasions. Sometimes I would even wake before he screamed because I could hear him seizing even in my sleep.
So now thinking about the sorts of times during the night when these would usually happen, it seems to match up with the times I regularly wake up at night.
The other thing that stands out, is also my brother but for a very different reason. My brother ended up being a very angry and aggressive person. To Mum and us girls at least. Now I won't go off on that tangent for now, I'll keep it to sleep. But as we got older it became a common occurrence, especially once I was about 15/16, that my brother would pick fights with my Mum either late at night or in the small hours of the morning. Many a night I have been woken up to my brother arguing with my Mum, and I would lay there and listen to see if I needed to intervene. Unfortunately more often than not I had to. It generally only took a few seconds to make that decision as the situation would become clear rapidly. So I would jump out of bed and run to the top of the house (my room was ground floor and my Mums room was on the third). So many times I placed myself between them and took the brunt of his aggression. I would always prefer me hurt than my Mum, she felt differently but I was quick. There were also plenty of times that I was able to diffuse the situation but every word had to be carefully thought out. Tone of voice had to be a certain way, it was like performing an operation. Very much a case of fragile, handle with care sort of situation.
I spent my teenage years constantly on alert, waiting for the next fight, thinking about every word I said to my brother. Trying so hard not to set him off. It was crap. To be walking on eggshells permanently. So settling down and relaxing to go to sleep became a challenge.
I'm wondering if my inability to sleep through the night and waking up at specific times, is that little girl still feeling afraid to go to sleep. All because she doesn't know if anything is going to happen that night?
I have never considered this before. Just hadn't entered my head at all.
So I'm thinking that what I need to do now is try and find a way to settle little me at night. Let her know that we are safe, that we are not there anymore and it is safe to go to sleep and nothing can harm her.
I could be barking up the wrong tree completely but I think it's at least worth exploring
Quote from: Armee on September 26, 2022, 06:55:19 PM
I know, Master of my Sea. I would do the same. Change clothes, shower. Try to be right there but sometimes get stuck in the bathroom instead. It gets a little better though...the touching and personal space. I did have to teach my daughter to not touch me suddenly and quickly. To move slowly. She was older though like 8 or something. That helped.
I have to admit it's really nice to know that it isn't just me.
That's one thing little man doesn't get at all. He has permanent zoomies and has zero concept of personal space. He moves so quickly and I'm so jumpy. I've made him jump more than once when he has charged at me out the blue, I leap out my skin. Makes me feel so bad so I try and laugh it off with him but I'm a quivering wreck. He's so little so he has no idea bless him. I plan on being as open as I can with him about these sorts of things as he gets older but it can be pretty tricky to navigate at the moment. Especially as I'm still trying to figure out what actually triggers me and what I can and can't tolerate. I'm waiting on an ASD referral as well so there could be stuff there playing a part too.
We are learning together bless us.
Master of my Sea,
Wow. that was a strong epiphany. It stands to reason, for me, that your memories of the repeated traumas of listening for your brother's blood-curdling screams would linger as a current day sleep disorder.
I find that the hardest night of the week for me to sleep is Sunday. I've always assumed it was because all those years ago, I was so unhappy and unsafe at grade school, and Sunday night meant the weekend was over and I had to go back to that nightmare place every Monday. To this day, 50 years later, I still can't sleep on Sundays. Childhood training, (traumas, abuse, difficulties), stays with us, especially in our sleep.
You were an amazing little sister to be so helpful with him when he was younger, and to be so concerned about your mom after he became such an angry man. Lots of kids would just let the parents deal with all that. You are an especially kind and caring person. I know it's a struggle to have to deal with other people's issues when you have issues of your own, but it's also something to be proud of that you were so much help to your mom all those years.
Your little man sounds like a cute kid. I hope you're able to keep sane until he learns about personal boundaries.
Hey Papa Coco,
I have to say I smiled when I saw your name. I've read through some of your posts and journal and find what you have to say very soothing and insightful :) And I take my hat off to you for how candid you can be in your posts :)
I'm just amazed I have never seen the connection before. I suppose it was just part of life so I never considered the impact it has actually had on me. I'm hoping that now I have found a correlation I can maybe start to find a way to deal with it. I hope you find a way to find some peace on Sunday nights.
I can understand the not wanting to go back. I used to dread going home on a Friday when I was living with my sister. I missed my Mum but I knew the weekend was going to be stressful and full of arguments. Just walking back into the house, I could always feel the tension in the air. I was always ready to react at a moments notice.
Thank you. That means a lot to hear that. I was not always the best sister I could have been but nobody is perfect. Protecting and looking after those I love is something I have always done fiercely. Even if I never received the same in return.
I am lucky that I have pretty much always had a good relationship with my Mum. I am the youngest and saw all the things my siblings did, even down to just being normal, stressy teenagers. I think I understood from a very young age that my Mum was doing the very best she could. Being a single parent to 6 children was not an easy thing to do.
So when I saw her hurting in any way, it would infuriate me and really upset me. She didn't deserve that. I will always protect my Mum. Even as a young child, it went without question. That was just the way I was, especially with my Mum and still am.
My whole life I have been a dumping ground for other people's problems and I became the go to person for many to people. If something was wrong they could come to me and find support and advice if that was what they wanted. Or just someone to listen to them. I would hear all these stories from my friends and family and it would just enhance that feeling of 'Lay it all on me. Let me take the burden' and I became ever more protective. The closer you were to me the more fiercely I would defend you.
Thank you. He is cute (but I'm biased ;D) he is also an absolute terror. He is the light of my life. He has done more for me than he will ever know. I just have to remind myself at times that he doesn't know and couldn't possibly understand why I don't want to be touched sometimes. And sometimes a cuddle from him is actually just what I need.
Sorry, I feel like I am rambling a bit. It's like the clarity has started to slip as I type.
I just want to thank you for your kind words before I sign off. I needed them today.
Hi, Master of My Sea
Thank you for the kind words. I need them at times. I can only think of the bad things I've done in life. Throughout my every day, I must turn my eyes to the sky at least a dozen or more times, apologizing for something I just remembered I'd done decades ago. I live in regret all the time. My inner critic takes care of making sure I always remember my mistakes, but I need people to regularly remind me that I've got some good qualities also.
When I joined this group in September 2021, I was in bad shape. I was worried that I was giving up on life, and with my history of going into active suicidality during long term depression, I knew my life depended on finding people who I could socialize with who I didn't have to explain myself to all the time. When it was time to come up with my online screen name, I decided to use my real-life nickname, Papa Coco, to remind me that my grandsons, their parents, and Gramma Coco herself NEED me to not become suicidal again. I literally did this for them. I take care of my mental health for them. They need what little family they have to be stable and helpful, not a suicidal basket case who feels alone on a crowded planet. Every time someone responds to my posts and says "hi Papa Coco" it is a daily reminder that i need to be on my game so my grandkids, kids and wife can all rest easy and know that Papa's okay and he's here to help when life gets hard for them.
And to your comment about raising your wonderful little "absolute terror", I know the feeling. Raising my kids was a tough job. I now refer to those years as "the most difficult and rewarding thing I've ever done." Heavy on the word difficult.
When I read your stories of how fiercely you'll fight for other people, it makes me think: I'm like that too. I won't fight for myself, but I will fight fiercely for someone else. I know, Pete Walker taught us in his book that this is a common theme among Fawn Types with traumatic pasts. In the olden days I thought I was the only freak alive who cared about other people more than about myself. I thought I was BORN a Fawn. Pete's book allowed me to learn how I was RAISED to be a Fawn. But today, this morning, as I read and respond to your post, I am balancing the pendulum in the center, and I'm starting to believe that people like us, the Enneagram 6, Fawn Type personalities were born to be compassionate, caring, connected people, and then the treatment we received in our childhood homes, over-contributed to that personality type by making us Fawns to a fault.
We are not just who we are because of the trauma: We're who we are because of our good DNA + our added on trauma. To the old "nature versus nurture" argument, I have always said, "Both." We are born to be something, then raised to be something, and for very few of us, those two somethings were the same. For most of us, we were born with a personality and interests, then raised to be what someone else wanted or needed us to be. So, in summary: I think we Fawns were born with compassionate hearts. Our traumatic pasts furthered our Fawning to unhealthy levels. This is something we can be proud of. Born good, then raised to be too good. My therapist often says this is the best-case scenario. He says it's a lot easier to help a Fawn type become better at holding boundaries, than it is to help an aggressive jerk become compassionate. So being too good for our own good is not bad. It's just something we need to learn how to add some boundaries to. I admire helpful people who can also hold boundaries. I always try to uphold the boundaries of others, but at the same time not uphold any boundaries of my own.
As a male, it's always been a struggle to be who I am without people laughing at me for being what my family called "too emotional for my own good," and what my workmates and peers called "Strung a little too tight." I don't follow sports. I don't hunt or fish or gamble or drink or play golf, so to many people that means I'm not a real man. So being kind and helpful has been a double-edged sword for me. Sometimes I'm proud of who I am, other times I'm ashamed of who I am.
Now I'm the one who is rambling.
Hey Papa Coco,
You are not rambling at all. Once again, a beautifully worded post that has hit home in many ways.
I understand the living in regret and having your inner critic make sure you never forget your mistakes, no matter how small.
From everything I have seen, you are valued here and are important to the people you interact with. Your family are lucky to have you. As are we here on the forum.
Being a parent is challenging at the best of times, least of all when we are having to fight these monsters in our heads. But seeing my little one learn and grow into this amazing human make the bad days, the hard days, worth it.
You have really got me intrigued and I think I'm going to do more reading on Fawn types. So much of what you say resonates with me even though I have spent my life, portraying myself as this strong, formidable person who can deal with anything and anyone. I have always cared more about others than myself, always putting everyone before me without even thinking about it. I've always felt that others deserve the help and support more than I do. Me, I'll just figure it out for myself.
I wholeheartedly agree that it is both nature and nurture. I firmly believe that both play a huge role in who we become. I like what you said here,
Quote from: Papa Coco on September 27, 2022, 07:46:58 PM
Born good, then raised to be too good.
I suppose that's actually quite a nice way of putting it.
Boundaries are a huge problem for me. I will occasionally set them (once in a blue moon) but will never uphold them. I always feel so guilty when I do. Often causes a panic attack as I expect a negative reaction.
Unfortunately there is such a rigid view of what a man is in society and like you say, if you don't fit into those inflexible categories you are not 'a real man'. This is complete hogwash! I have come across many men who would consider themselves 'real men' but in reality they are not, they just hide behind a macho image. As we all here fully understand, being your authentic self isn't easy.
We have all learned through our own experiences, those that look down on you or belittle you just for being different to them are not the people you need to concern yourself with. These people have their own demons and are trying to project them outwards. Unfortunately we are sensitive to a lot of these things and peoples words can have a huge impact on us.
You have no need to feel ashamed of you are. You have survived more than many could even begin to comprehend, by that alone you are a strong person and should be proud of yourself and who you are.
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I have done a lot of thinking recently, a lot of reflecting. I am a firm believer that we all have toxic traits, it's what we do about them that sets people apart. There are those that know they are toxic and do nothing about it because they are self-serving and use these traits to get what they want. Then there are those that know of their toxic traits and actively try to change them.
I have experienced many of the first type, leading me to where I am today. But I am also aware of my own toxicity at times and how this has come to play a role in my own journey. I am, and have been, addressing these and working to improve myself. At the same time, I am also trying to be gentle with myself, reminding myself that many of the things I do are ingrained survival tactics and instincts. I do these things to protect myself. They are not the healthiest of things but they have kept me alive up until now.
I am currently in a state where isolating feels safest and alone I can be in control of what happens around me. There are no, or very few outside influences. Only those linked with my child. I have pushed everyone away, including my partner. We split recently, which has had a huge impact on my emotional state. But I find myself thinking, 'did I push him away on purpose?' Did I do this subconsciously because right now, no one feels safe? There were things I was doing that wasn't helping the situation but it's almost like I couldn't stop. There were also things I was doing that I tried to explain were safety mechanisms and my brain was not recognising that this wasn't a past situation. If that makes any sense.
So I know this has played a huge role on the self-reflecting I have been doing. This wasn't one sided, unfortunately both of our mental health took a huge toll on our relationship.
But with this self-reflection has come many thoughts of the past. Some of the thoughts and images that have come up, are ones I have on a regular basis. Then there have been things that have almost blindsided me. These I have tried to write down in my journal as they come to me. I haven't done this before. I have always fought these kinds of thoughts and images, pushing them away as they are just too painful and traumatic. So as they are coming to me, if possible I am grabbing a pen and writing them in my daily journal. I have been writing them in different colours, this way when I am able to address them properly, I can easily find them.
It has been shocking to me, some of the things that have come to the front. I am looking at things in a way I have never done before. I am trying so hard to not minimise the impact of events have had on me. Far too often I think that my reaction to things in my life is inappropriate. I have been told for years that I catastrophise and make everything a big deal. But when I actually allow myself to sit and feel, and see for the first time, it becomes clear that more often than not, my reaction to big things was not big enough. I stayed quiet when I should have spoken up, or I only told half the story as nobody would believe the full one. Or if I did talk about something, the response I got would be weak and the topic quickly changed. My experiences were minimised by others and so I minimised them too.
I am seeing family members in a different light. I was very close to my oldest sister for years. We had a little foursome at one point, it would be the two of us and two friends and we did all sorts together. We had fun. But in more recent years our relationship changed. I started to see how she would always lecture me, and when she started studying psychology, it always felt like I was being analysed. So slowly stopped confiding in her like I used to. This was noticed and actually blamed on my partner. It was nothing to do with him and everything to do with her. But even now I don't think she would accept that.
I thought that I would miss her when I cut contact but I was surprised to find that I didn't. I found I wasn't worrying about what she might say about X, Y or Z. I didn't have that constant nagging though of 'what would she say if....'. Now for years my sister was a real pillar of our family, she was the smart one, the organised one. I know she has had a hard life and been through an awful lot and I feel for her. She has done an awful lot for me and helped me and supported me on many occasions. Unfortunately some of the ways she went about doing this has caused issues for me. I honestly don't think she will ever grasp that. I will just be seen as ungrateful, I will be told it didn't happen like that. Or that I just misunderstood, or was being a defiant teen. So many reasons why they can't be the one in the wrong.
One of the thoughts that has come to me recently, I had never considered before but it makes so much sense now...
I have always talked with my hands, it's a family trait. We all do it. But I am probably the one who does it the most. It used to really annoy my siblings because my hand gestures were big. On top of that I had a tendency to look down and talk quickly. I was always told off for this and told to stop doing it. Again, it really annoyed my siblings. But my oldest sister was the worst. She would always get so annoyed at me about it. She used to tell me that the way I talked with my hands made me seem aggressive and it made me hard to talk to. Then if I was muttering or talking fast, there were many times I was made to keep repeating myself until I said it slow enough and clear enough for her.
Now I'm starting to wonder if that is why I get really upset and frustrated when I get asked multiple times to repeat myself. Or told that I'm muttering or not making sense. I mean it really gets to me. I try really hard to not talk too fast and I am so self-conscious of my hand gestures. I make a conscious effort to keep them as small as possible, or I will do something with my hands, hold something for example whilst I'm talking, just to minimise the amount I move them around. I find myself apologising if I become too animated.
I have never really sat and thought about it before. It was just something when I was a kid. But no one ever realised, even now, that I talked so quickly because otherwise I wouldn't get a chance to talk. I would be passed over regularly or cut off when I was speaking, or just missed entirely. Often being told I was too young to join in the conversation or to understand. So to be heard and make sure I could say everything, I learned to talk fast.
I have lost my momentum now and feel really tired. I have so much running around in my head that I wanted to write about. But the clarity has gone. It's just a jumbled mess and I feel like I'm starting to not make sense. It's all just starting to bleed together now,
I have written enough for now and have at least addressed one thing, to some degree.
I'm going to go now and recover. I didn't expect to feel like this,
hope you have a nice day today ;)
Thank you Larry
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Today has ended up going in a direction I didn't expect at all!
Such a simple, everyday thing, gets me all worked up and anxious. I had someone coming to service my boiler today. Very normal. Yet I have been preparing myself for it, for a couple of weeks now. Gradually building myself up to the idea that I was going to have to let a stranger into my home. I can't remember the last time I had someone that wasn't my Mum or my ex in here. I try and keep as much of the outside world as I can, outside.
I found myself speed cleaning this morning, zipping from one job to the next. I got a lot done. I call this my emotional cleaning. I was so restless and anxious that all I could do was clean. When I emotional clean, I am either really angry or really anxious. So today was an anxiety clean, that's fine, I end up finding it therapeutic and calming and everything gets cleaned. A total win.
What I also had coming was an online food shop. Again not an issue, I knew what time each were due and was sort of hoping they would coincide so then all of that was done and I could go about my day. Hopefully less anxious.
I managed to keep myself at a level where I was definitely anxious but it was manageable and I could function properly. So, the gas man came, done his thing and he left. Great.
Now just to wait for my shopping.....which never came.
Transpired it had been cancelled about an hour and half before I found out. I had been tracking it the whole time and 10 minutes before it was due, that was when it changed to cancelled. They said I was not home, when at the time they were apparently there I was letting the gas man in. This is where it all started to go down hill and I entered the panic spiral. I had done an online shop because right now, I do not have it in me to make it into town and physically do my shopping. The very thought of being in a supermarket and there being so many people, ties my stomach in knots and makes my heart race.
The more I talked to this woman, the worse it got. All I could think about was how I was going to now have to go into town and how I needed the money back in my account so I could actually do the shopping again.
As I'm typing this, I feel ridiculous, it seems like nothing. But for me it wasn't. Even the fact that I had called them was a lot. I don't make calls. I email or text. Phone calls make me so nervous and worried. I then needed to phone the bank afterwards. So the spiral just kept going, the coils getting tighter and tighter.
I feel absolutely awful about that phone call. The poor woman, having this emotional, mess to deal with. I did manage to bring myself down enough to get the information I needed and end the call. I did apologise before I hung up.
So now not only do I feel crap now because I have had a panic attack, but I feel awful because that poor woman got the brunt of it. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I had every right to be frustrated with the situation but I didn't expect to be triggered. To have a complete stranger not only be witness to that, but take the brunt of it is mortifying. I keep that to myself as much as I can. I hate family seeing/experiencing me like that, let alone anyone else.
I had other plans for what I wanted to write today but hey ho. This took over and I needed to get it out. I'm hoping that writing this will help. Maybe... :Idunno:
Maybe next time I should plan better. Not have something else going on when I need to let a stranger in. Especially, unfortunately, if it is likely that stranger will be a man. I was already stressed and anxious, all it took was one small hiccup and once I started spiralling, I spiralled fast.
This is probably a babbling mess, as although I have calmed down, I feel I'm not fully back in the room yet. It has taken me such a long time to type as I keep zoning out. All I want to do is sleep now. Just shut out the world for awhile and recharge. I'm always so tired after a panic attack. Wish that was an option.
Time for coffee I think.
Master of my Sea,
What a day. I feel for you. I'm glad the gas man came and went and fixed your boiler. I'm a bit angry at your grocery delivery making an arbitrary decision to pretend you weren't home and cancel your delivery. Sounds to me like they've got a problem with incompetence.
As I learn about IFS, Internal Family System, which is the family of different parts that work together like a system in our heads, (i.e.; as was so eloquently introduced to many of us through Disney's Inside Out movie), I can feel one of my own inner protectors rising up to address your grocery delivery service. My inner protector feels the pain of your grocer refusing to deliver to you, making up a reason like "you weren't home" when clearly you were home. My inner protector seems to be so strong that he even wants to rise up when others are feeling pain, not just me.
I recently had a delivery go bad, and my Inner Protector made a jerk out of me when it got me to contact the delivery service and call them liars before I ever found out the reason my delivery was called "Complete" even though I didn't receive any packages. It was a case of mistaken address, same house number, different street, and it was fixed the next day, but not until after my Inner Protector got my anxiety up to the point where I called them liars.
So, my Inner Protector and I are also angry at your grocery deliverer, and we are hoping you are able to fix the relationship with them so this never happens again.
I wish I was more selfish than I am. I can't even watch the news because my Internal Family System gets agitated by bad things that happen to everyone, not just myself. It's a big burden to know that I'm responsible to fix the entire planet.
Anyway, I just wanted to chime in and say "DANG! I'm angry at your deliverer also!" And that I hope, now that your boiler has been fixed, that you can settle in and feel a little less anxious for a while.
Big, safe, virtual hug: :bighug:
It wasn't ridiculous or nothing. These reactions SUCK but they come from times of being unsafe. I have felt the same on phone calls especially insurance. You apologized and that was kind. The customer service rep is very used to upset customers but probably not used to being apologized to.
I'm sorry you had such a rough triggering day. Sending a hug if that feels safe.
Thank you Armee. They do suck. In so many ways. I know there was a point I really went off on a tangent but I don't really remember what I said. I used to have much better control of myself and it is hard to reconcile who I was with who I am. The more I delve into my own history the more emotional and reactive I become. There are so many layers and so many things that I am only just realising, so I know it's normal but it is hard.
Thank you Papa Coco.
I feel you are correct when it comes to incompetence unfortunately.
I was so overwhelmed with needing to explain that I WAS home, that no one came. I had to make them realise that I was telling them the truth. Also the unnecessary lie that was told stirred up a real anger in me. I have been lied to and about so often in my life that even little things like that now truly infuriate me.
I send my thanks and appreciation to you and your Inner protector and I hope that him coming forward didn't cause you any distress.
I have seen IFS mentioned a few times on the forum recently and decided last night to do a little research. I didn't do much but what I have read has really caught my interest. I plan on doing some more reading as I think it could be really helpful.
I completely understand about the news. I'm so unaware of things by choice, I cannot cope with the flood of emotions and sensations when I watch or read the news. It always leaves me feeling so depressed and deflated.
Fortunately today was a better day. I think I took from todays energy supply, yesterday so I'm tired but it's been calmer. I was able to re-order my shopping as my refund was processed very quickly. I did leave delivery instructions asking that if I don't answer the door then to please call me. I am home, I just haven't heard the door. I hope it works. I have been stressing about it all day and I know I'm going to be restless mess in the morning until it arrives. Hopefully all goes as it should and I can go about my day.
Thank you again, Armee and Papa Coco for your kind words and virtual hugs. They are very much appreciated and once again I am so grateful this forum is here :)
Hi Master of my Sea,
I'm glad to hear yesterday was a better day than the one before it. I hope today is even better yet!
I'm glad to hear you're getting your groceries issue resolved. I noticed you said that little things infuriate you more now than they used to. That might be a good thing. I have tried, so hard, to live on this planet as though it is a good place. But it's not a good place. It's both good and bad. And my inability to really fight for myself has been a problem for me, as I assume it has been for you too. The way I see it, as we are aging, and learning how the world really works, it's not inappropriate that we start to become more assertive or even at times aggressive, as we deal with the incompetence, meanness, foolishness, anger, and other unsavory actions of our co-inhabitants of this world. Arguing as you did with them on the phone may have been exactly what you needed to do to get them to hold up their end of the bargain with more competence. You paid them. You upheld your end of the deal. They did NOT deliver, meaning this mess was 100% on them. So I say Good for you for standing up for yourself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
As far as your grocer goes, it would be to their advantage to do their job right the first time, because now they have to put together and deliver your order twice for one price. Having to do their job twice for the price of once is a high price to the business owner. They shouldn't be allowing incompetence to work for them.
I had never heard of IFS until just a few days ago. I followed Dolly Vee's suggestion to buy that book, Self-Therapy, by Jay Earley. Jay didn't invent IFS but he's written a book to help us learn how to process our IFS at home if we can't find or afford an IFS therapist. The book is an easy read, which I always appreciate. Nice sized font, easy, non-PhD wording for simpler people like me to read. It starts teaching me good stuff right from page one. I would recommend the book for sure now too.
My wife is here for another week, and I have friends visiting for a few days next week too, so I'll be a little less active on the forum for a week. But for now I grab chances to sit down and interact on the forum where I can. :heythere:
Here's another hug for you Master of my Sea! I'm glad you fought for your rights to get food delivered! And a hope for today to be a good day! :hug:
Hey Papa Coco,
Fortunately everything went to plan today. As I haven't had much sleep and my small person decided that 5am was an appropriate time to wake up, I'm glad it did go well.
Unfortunately I have always been aware of how ugly this world can be, it's sad to say but it's true. I have always fought for others, especially if I could see them struggling and hurting. but as you say fighting for myself has always been an issue. Don't get me wrong, I have and will fight for myself, but never in the way I do for others. It's usually a half-hearted effort for me. I suppose actually standing up for myself, and really meaning it, is entirely new territory. I just wish I had a better handle on my reactions. I used to be cool and collected and know exactly what to say to get thigs done. I have always been the person people come to for support. Now I'm a hysterical, babbling mess.
The difference between me then and me now? I am, for the first time, actually acknowledging the things that have occurred in my life. Trying to recognise them and feel what I need to. That's the only difference I can think of. I was numb for so many years. Anything that happened to me I tried to brush off and move past. Some things I couldn't and some things I had an opportunity to stand up for myself and I did (these were rare.)
I am more emotional than I have ever been. I either feel nothing or everything completely. Right now I'm feeling everything and I'm trying to remember that my reactions to situations are a reflection of that.
I already have the book lined up ready to read once I am finished what I am currently reading :)
It's taking me a lot longer to read than it ever has before. I was always an avid reader, often having multiple books on the go at once. I stopped reading for a lot of years, (for reasons I may go into in a different journal post), so trying to get back into the rhythm is hard. My concentration is lacking but I'm getting there :) I have a long list that I want to get through so the motivation is there.
Sounds like you have a nice week ahead of you. I hope you enjoy yourself.
Thank you as always, for your kind words Papa Coco
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I got myself something today, something that I have wanted for awhile. I bought a giant beanbag ;D One I can just sink into. it's made my day. It's been a long time since I have got myself something big like that. To finally get something I have thought about and wanted for awhile is just...nice. My hope is that it will help during high anxiety/emotional moments. I can sink into it, like a big hug ;D
As pleased as I am with my purchase I can't help but feel guilty for buying it. I always do when I get something for myself. It always feels, wrong on some level. I don't regret it but there is this guilt underneath, lurking. I suppose that's years of having people question when I got things for myself. Too many times have I heard 'should you really have got that? You should have got x, y or z? Don't you have better things to spend your money on?' Doesn't sound like much but when that and other things like it, are said to you almost every time you spend your own money, you start to feel guilty. Especially if what I bought was a bit more expensive. It always feels like I need to justify it. I did it on the phone to my Mum. I didn't need to, she was all for it and telling me 'good for me', yet I still found myself explaining to her why I was getting the beanbag :Idunno:
I have been looking into therapists in my area recently. I am realising that I may get the help I need through the NHS but it will take an awfully long time and be ridiculously hard to get where I need to. I have tried looking into the mental health pathway for my area and according to what I could find, there isn't one. Which blows my mind in all honesty. It was a horrendous experience just getting to where I am today through the NHS and the very idea of having to deal with all of that again, it ties my stomach in knots and makes me cold.
If I go private then I lose the pushing from pillar to post and the short term therapy. Also this way I have control over who I speak to you. It is my decision. I feel much better about this option. I still feel the anxiety and fear of having to tell all to someone knew but at least this way, I will have chosen the person I am talking to. Hopefully that will ease some of that discomfort when the time comes.
I am going to take my time and do my research and of course cost comes into play. I am finding myself thinking about all sorts of things from throughout my life and it's bringing up all sorts of feelings and sensations. Feelings and sensations that are so often overwhelming and that I don't fully understand. I know I need help to unpick it all and regain control of my life. It's time to get the ball rolling.
I have been feeling more stable the last few days, more consistent in my moods than I have been for awhile. It seems to have given me a little nudge. A nudge to think about me and what I want and need to feel better. Some of that has materialised in things like my purchase today. I have woken up this morning with the determination to really look into my therapy. I already have contact information for some Ts I have found recently. Even just trying different things to help me sleep. I tried sleeping in a different room last night, sometimes that helps, the change of environment. It didn't this time so tonight I will change up routine in a different way. I'm hoping I'm starting on a bit of an upward trend, getting out the emotional spiral I have been in. I plan on taking full advantage of this and starting to get myself back on track.
Step by step and slow and steady. I just have to keep reminding myself that it took years of trauma and abuse to get me to where I am right now, so it is going to take a lot years to undo that damage.
HI Master of my Sea,
Congratulations on the new purchase! A bean bag chair is a big deal. I see them in the stores when I shop and secretly wish I had room for one in my living room. I hope you love it for a long time.
Buyer's remorse used to be a huge problem for me too. Every time I spent any money on myself, I felt just like how you've described you're feeling today. I could spend my entire paycheck buying something nice for someone else, but if I spent any money at all on myself, I felt ashamed and remorseful. I guess the years of therapy have helped me get past that, because I'm finally able to buy myself nice things now without going into my own private * for having done so. And for me, it was very similar as for you, I have been laughed at, scoffed at, criticized and humiliated for making my own decisions. I will say that even today, however, I don't like to choose a restaurant or vacation, or activity, or movie, or even a TV channel to watch if someone else is in the room. If I choose the restaurant, and someone I'm with doesn't like their meal, I feel one thousand percent responsible for making them unhappy.
In my family, I was always blamed for someone being unhappy if I was, in any way, involved in the decision that they didn't enjoy--Often even when I wasn't involved in their decision. Sometimes these were small things, but other times I was blamed for everything from my brother marrying the wrong girl when I was 11 years old, to my dad buying a pickup truck he ended up not liking when I was 14. How in the world were those things my fault? Well...I was an easy target.
The thing about being trained by our families to take the blame for their mistakes is that the better we get at taking the blame, the easier it is for them to give it to us. So, the problem gets worse over time. It got to the point where, as an adult, I couldn't even bring myself to buy my favorite foods at the grocery store because I couldn't bear the guilt of someone in the house not liking what I like.
Honestly, today, right now as we speak, I'm feeling a bond with my Inner Protector who is helping me to separate myself from my guilt. I can more clearly see that the feeling of shame is my Inner Protector trying to help me NOT make any choices that will get me blamed for someone else's loss. It's not realistic. We are all allowed to have things we want. It's a protector who remembers how badly I used to be punished, so he's giving me guilt to try and stop me from being blamed. I'm learning, slowly, how to talk to my Inner Protector now, and as I do, I'm disconnecting from the guilt.
I recognize that you're having a challenge in finding a good therapist. I'm glad you're planning to start the Self-Therapy book as soon as you're done with your current read. This book is proving to be very helpful to me, so in the meanwhile as you're researching a way to get a good therapist, this book should be a big help for you. In the first chapter, the author says that this book can be used with a good IFS therapist for those of us lucky enough to find one. But if we can't, then this book can also be used with peers, meaning two or three people can get together and go through the IFS process without a therapist. And if we can't find anyone to go through it with, it is also designed to help us alone. There are a few people on this forum currently working through IFS, perhaps we could dedicate a new thread specifically to the IFS process, and whomever is working through the process, or is interested in knowing more about it, could go to that thread and immerse themselves into the IFS process with us.
I'm entertaining houseguests today and enjoying the company of my wife for the rest of the week, so my time on the forum is limited for now, but maybe, when I get more time to focus on my postings, I can maybe start a thread just for those interested in IFS. (Maybe there already is a thread that someone's started but I haven't joined it yet??? I'd better research that when I get a few minutes of quiet research time.)
Meanwhile, just one more comment: You mentioned that we can beat PTSD over time. I agree with you. If we use the tools that are available to us, and work through our issues, we can gain control over our trauma responses. I see PTSD as a condition that we beat by learning how to manage it. Like losing a limb, we can never go back in time and stop the damage before it was done to us, but we can learn ways to gain control over it and find our happiness even with these bad pasts we've each experienced.
I really hope you are able to love your bean bag chair. I have no doubt your little man there thinks it's pretty fun to play on. LOL. Maybe you two can get lots of cuddle time and play time on it.
I gotta go. My guests are meeting us for breakfast in a few minutes.
Hey Papa Coco,
I can't wait for it to arrive and just sink into it with a book and coffee. We are in my favourite season now too, I love Autumn and the cosy evenings, fluffy jumpers and warm drinks. I can't wait :) It's nice to be looking forward to something too, no matter how simple.
I hate being asked to choose those things so I have a tendency to ask first so I don't have to. It's only recently, since the break down of my relationship, that I have started to even watch the things I like in the evenings. I would always prefer to let my partner watch programs he prefers or if I was choosing, I would pick something that I knew was more his taste. This was always my decision but it always felt more comfortable to do this (also I'm a horror fan and he was not ;D) The same with deciding on what we were doing, I always struggled. My Mum used to say to me, "She used to be indecisive but now she's not so sure" I've always loved this saying because it is so accurate. I still say it to myself. The only time that hasn't applied was when I was working, those decisions I could make a lot easier. I suppose it's different circumstances at work I was just doing my job and was often just passing instructions on. I would still get the gnawing in my stomach though. You could pretty much guarantee that someone would be unhappy.
Logically and rationally we know there is no reason to feel guilty about buying something for ourselves, or making a decision but that doesn't stop the feeling. When you have been conditioned that way, whether by family or peers, it's hard to shake,
I'm glad you are feeling the connection and bond with your Inner Protector and he is helping you find that separation. I appreciate how open you are being about your IFS work and the realisations you are having. It's good to see the progress you are making.
I really like the idea of a dedicated IFS thread, I think it could be really helpful. It does seem to be picking up traction on here and it would be nice to have a space to discuss it with others that are going through the process and learning as well.
No, you are right, we can never go back to before the trauma but we can find a way to move forward and be more than the traumatised versions of ourselves. Places like this forum are key to that I believe. Here we find kindred spirits and people who truly understand. This will always be a part of us but it doesn't have to define us.
Hope you enjoyed your breakfast and the company of your guests and hope you have a lovely rest of the week with your wife.
Hi Master of My Seas,
I smiled when I read that you bought yourself a lovely large bean bag chair - I think I would love something like that - I hope you're enjoying it, and that those feelings of guilt you mentioned have disappeared, and that you're enjoying it.
I also love Autumn - such a colourful and cosy season.
Just popped over to say hello, :hug:
Hope :)
Hope - Hi :wave: I love my bean bag! I am so pleased with it and it has helped me on more than one occasion this week. Being able to just sink down and relax into it has been really quite calming for me at times. I even fell asleep on it ;D My little one loves it too, he's had a great time playing on it. I do still feel some guilt but it's going, slowly. The more I use it and it helps me, the less guilty I feel. And seeing my little man enjoying himself helps no end :)
Autumn makes me think of cosy book stores and all manner of comforts. It's a time of change, of transition and it's beautiful. Love it.
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I have spent a lot of time on self-care this week. Even down to the little things like lighting a candle and watching my favourite program. But I have spent time on me, I have started styling my hair again. I have naturally curly, ginger hair. All my life I have tried to 'tame' and lose my curls. I've hated them but in the last 7 months I have spent a lot of time trying to reclaim my curls and finally love them in all their red glory. Yet in the last few weeks, I've not really shown them any love. So this week I have made a conscious effort to do my hair and it always makes me feel good to see big boofy curls ;D I have started really following a bedtime routine, trying to get my sleep back on track. This is a challenge in itself as I have been having nightmares on and off all week. Hopefully being consistent with my routine will help, even a little bit.
I really struggle with going out and rarely go out for anything unless I have to. Last week I got out twice with my son and we went collecting autumnal items for him to take to nursery. We went for a walk around our area one day and collected some bits and the next day I took him to a lovely wooded park and we wandered around for a couple of hours, just collecting and playing. We finished up at the play park and it was a lovely morning. Now I struggle to be out like that, just the two of us. I normally last an hour tops before my anxiety gets too much and I'm completely exhausted from hypervigilance. So to be out for two hours and have managed to keep that under control has been a huge win for me. Then the following day, I went out again. I headed into town and did some shopping. Three days on the run is huge for me! Especially alone. I am really proud of myself.
I'll be honest I then didn't leave the house all weekend because I couldn't cope with even the idea of going out but I'll take that. Three days out and two days in is much better than it would have been not too long ago.
I have also started a new type of journal. My personal journal is rapidly running out of writing space because not only have I been writing my daily entry I have been using it to jot write down and contain the powerful thoughts I have that I usually end up forgetting because I push them away. So I started writing what I have called my Thoughts Dump. All these thoughts that pop into my head about my life and things I have been through get put in the Thoughts Dump. They each have their own colour and number so when I am ready I can go, pick the corresponding colour, jot down the number and explore a particular thought and write as much or as little as I need to. Then I can, at a glance, locate the writing for any particular thought. This way I can write without having to worry about how much space I am using and it has given me a specific space for the more challenging and difficult topics.
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As I've mentioned, I love Autumn, it's my favourite season. It's warm and cosy and the world, for a short while just feels like it's bursting with beautiful colours. The world has rarely seemed a bright and colourful place for me so I relish it every year. In Autumn, everything is changing, transitioning into something new and it's stunning to witness.
At the moment I can feel myself transitioning and changing. In the last month or so I have been on an emotional rollercoaster and my C-PTSD symptoms have been pretty bad but in the last week or so I have felt a change in myself. A shift. My Mum said to me today that some of the old me was coming back. She is right, and I know this part, this 'old me', I know her very well. She is defiant and stubborn and fierce. She is strong and powerful, untouchable. This girl has been a huge part of my life and been key to my survival. I recognise her and she feels like home. I know she is a key part and she has helped me on so many occasions (more than I care to count) but she is not always that helpful. She can be really defensive and come across as angry all the time, she can be really cold and harsh too. She never lets anyone get too close. She has been and is my armour.
The thing that kind of captured me today and really got me thinking was my Mum saying what she did about the old me coming back a bit. This strong, defiant part of me has been that dominant in my life that she is recognised as Me by others. This is not me, this is not my core. I know this, I feel it in my bones. She is my defence against a harsh and cruel world.
A bit of me wants to try and communicate with her, to understand her and figure out why she is here now that all the turmoil of the recent weeks is calming down. But at the same time there is a bit me of me that doesn't want to go down the rabbit hole. Does that make any sense? :Idunno:
I suppose I'm afraid of what might come up. I have had forgotten? lost? memories come up recently and that has been difficult for me to process, so I guess it would make sense that I have some fear there. This part of me has protected me from so much I don't know what she might reveal. What is she protecting me from right now? Again :Idunno:
It all just feels so confusing sometimes. Trying to make sense of it all. I'm glad I can come here and splurge all the crazy jumbled thoughts in my head and know that somewhere along the line it is actually going to make sense to someone.
I have debated about making this post but have decided I am just going to go for it. I hope it makes sense and isn't just a bunch of rambling :)) I have been making good use of my Thoughts Dump journal and I think I want to share an entry here. My anxiety is screaming at me that this is a bad idea and no one is going to want to read it but I think it may be helpful for me to do it, so here I am. This last week has been an intense and tough one and I have tried to communicate with some of my Inner parts. It's been...interesting.
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In the last week or so I have gone from a human wreck, to the strong, stubborn and defiant person I used to be (well at least to a degree) back to a human wreck.
It all kind of started with me feeling very much as I have been recently, low, lonely and missing my ex and his kids. Our family that we created. This has been the norm and in all honesty, expected, but then something started to shift. I started feeling an old strength, an old resilience, an old defiance. I mentioned this in my previous post, it was a bit of the 'old me' and also as I mentioned previously, even my Mum had noticed. Now, this part of me, she is very familiar, I feel very comfortable with her. She feels like home (if that makes any sense). This part of me has gotten me through some of the most difficult and traumatic times in my life. She is the reason I never truly crumbled growing up. I broke at times but never as completely as I have done in recent years. She just wouldn't allow it. I had to keep going and she made it happen.
I'll be honest, I was surprised by her appearance. I hadn't felt her for such a long time and it was bizarre to have that suddenly come back. What also surprises me is the fact that, although I have been low, things have actually been settling and calming down after mine and my exes split. This fact is what makes it strange to me that this part has appeared, she only normally comes forward during times of great stress not when that stress is settling. I couldn't figure it out. I was like this for a few days, feeling stubborn and determined to be ok and be fine on my own. Then things shifted again and boy what a doozy.
I ended up having a pretty bad day and things fell apart fast. I ended up having a panic attack and then triggered into an episode. On this day I woke up feeling particularly lonely but when I actually thought about it, it was more than loneliness. I felt completely abandoned. Just left adrift. I had an appointment to go to, so managed to get myself and son sorted and got us there, this is where I had an issue that triggered a panic attack. I reached out and called my Mum but these feelings of abandonment and loneliness, and rejection too just kept intensifying. In the end my Mum told me something that my oldest brothers' partner had said, she was trying to make me feel better but instead it exacerbated the situation. Without realising, by trying to show me others were thinking of me, she had just reaffirmed some of what I had been saying about me always being the bad guy and easy to blame. That people twist the narrative to suit them. My poor Mum, she felt so bad as it had had the opposite effect of her intention. I had to end our phone call and try and come back to ground. It was the final straw for me that day. I felt like a little girl again, just wanting to be accepted, wanting to be seen. At this point I was also in communication with my ex and talking to him (our relationship ended due to the state of both of our mental health) he ended up coming over. We ended up just chatting and having a bit of a laugh. He did end up crashing in my living room for a couple of nights and his presence was a huge help. But, those feelings still remained and I noticed that the dominant and defiant part of me was still there too. I just hadn't realised as those feelings of abandonment and loneliness were just so strong. What I have come to realise is that these two parts are now fighting for dominance. One minute I will be crying and feeling small and alone and the next, my whole body will shake, the tears will stop and I'll stand/sit up taller and a sense of defiance washes over me, 'I will not cry, I need to be strong. I don't need anyone'. It's very bizarre. It's always been a skill but it has been noticeable by its absence in recent years.
Then on the flip side, I will be going about my day and all of a sudden all of those feelings of abandonment and loneliness will just wash over me and I'll crumble. I can't continue with what I am doing and I just dissolve or disappear into a torrent of negativity. So much longing too. Now, I have been so afraid to confront either of these two, scared of what they might say or reveal. But they are screaming to be acknowledged, to be seen and that has left me with no choice but to start to try and speak to them. I decided I would go where it felt easier and more comfortable and safe. I acknowledged the defiant part of me. I'll call her Miss Defiant or Miss D. I told her I that I see her. That I am here to listen, to find out what she wants and needs. What was she trying to achieve? I didn't get a response but I felt her stiffen. I could feel her defiance in waves. That approach didn't work. She didn't like that. Too forward maybe?
So I asked her how old she is. She responded to this. What I got was a wave of images, feelings and emotions. I saw my secondary school, I saw my 'friends' and teachers. Ones I didn't like or get along with. I saw my sisters flat and I saw my problematic brother and sister. And my Mum, so tired and worn down. With the images came the feelings and emotions. A lot of frustration, sadness, anxiety and stress. Then there was anger, so much anger. But underneath all of that...something else, something more. It took a little coaxing and some reassuring that it was safe to tell me or show me but eventually she did. What she showed me was all the fear and the rejection and the feeling of always being different. Miss D shut down then and withdrew and if I'm honest I'm glad she did. It was overwhelming and I couldn't take anymore. What I realised though was that she had answered me and it was loud and clear. She showed me 15/16 year old me. That makes sense. That was a really tough time and I really fed into this strong, fearsome person for years. So she was at the wheel if you like. It's strange because I often say I feel like a teenager still and it's true I do. I feel like that girl. When I look in the mirror that is who I see. Not the almost 30 year old woman but the girl half her age. I see 15/16 year old me. Raging hormones, horrible home life, bad friends, crappy school and ineffective teachers. Also sadly, by this point I had been SA on multiple occasions and by different people (I had once confided in my 'best friend' when we were even younger, and she tried to turn it into gossip. I didn't tell after that) I see her. That young girl who is determined that she doesn't actually need anyone and will keep going no matter what, but I also see the sad, lost, angry girl who feels forgotten and unwanted.
Miss D kept me alive, she made people think twice about messing with me. I needed that. I didn't want people to be afraid of me but that did happen on occasion but it was never the aim. I just wanted to be left alone. I needed to be untouchable. I have never been a fighter but mastered my own sod off vibe (this kept many away. I seemed unapproachable), a fierce glare and resting face and a sharp tongue. I'm also fairly clever and can have a way with words in certain situations and circumstances. I got many of friends out plenty of situations, especially with adults. Notoriously with teachers. I wasn't like most of my peers in lots of ways and it could sometimes be used to mine and my friends benefit.
I value Miss D greatly, I understand why she was there and has been for so many years. There have been too many situations that would have turned out drastically different had it not been for her.
I haven't communicated with Miss D since this interaction.
I also haven't communicated with the other part that showed up. The part that is filled with such intense and sad feelings. So intense that they floored me completely. Whilst she was up front and present and in full force, Miss D was completely overpowered and pushed aside. These feelings and emotions were that intense.
I felt completely alone, unloved, unwanted and different. Always an outsider, never belonging, I cried so much and just wished the ground would open up and swallow me whole. As I have said, I have been dealing with these feelings anyway due to my recent break-up but this was different. It was all consuming. I was in a black pool of despair and couldn't find a way out.
I can't bring myself to communicate with this part yet. Those feelings have settled somewhat and I'm not capable of dealing with them right now if they all coming flooding out again. But what I can do is feel her. She feels so small, so vulnerable and oh so young. I can sense a lot of confusion from her too. I don't have a mental picture of her. I can't see her, with Miss D I can picture my 15/16 year old sense. There is an association. Here, there's nothing, just the feelings. I am struck by how young this part feels. I am intrigued but just not yet ready to go down that road.
So I said I have bounced back and forth and that these two are at war within me. For a while, the small, young one, was winning. All I could feel were these crushing emotions and all I could think was how unworthy I was, how easy I was to walk away from, to betray. All manner of nasty things. It took some company and a bit of time and those things started to subside and I could begin to feel Miss D trying to push back through. It's been exhausting flying back and forth between emotions and feeling this tug of war happening inside me, Neither part has been able to fully come forward again as of yet and I find myself going through a range of physical symptoms/reactions?
My body hurts from how tense I am, by the time I go to bed my jaw is painful because I keep clenching it without realising. I have random aches and pains that I can't figure out, my sleep is wrecked and I'm just all over the show at the moment. Things are slowly starting to settle so that is a good thing but I feel it might take some time.
I am going to try and communicate some more with Miss D but not just yet. I am going to take some time to really focus on bringing myself back to ground properly before I do that. I don't want or need to be overwhelmed again anytime soon.
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Although I have all of this written down in my Thoughts Dump, it has taken me a long time to type this. I have been battling my anxiety and my IC the whole time. I really want to delete it and not post but I'm not going to do that. I will be annoyed with myself if I do.
I haven't gone back and edited really, that would be a bad idea, lol. So I hope it's cohesive and makes some sort of sense. I feel very wary and silly at the moment. I'm hoping that will pass when nothing terrible happens after I post this.
Here goes......
Hi Master of my Sea,
For starters, I'm very glad you didn't delete this post before I could read it. I know that feeling of having posted something and then regretting it. Last week I'd told you that I had skills. I listed some of those skills. Then I logged off and started to panic. How DARE I mention my own skills! How humiliating! I wanted to delete the post but decided to use it as an IFS practice session. The way I understand IFS is that I have three types of parts living within me: My exiles are the "victims" who feel attacked, disappointed, lied to, betrayed, afraid, unworthy. When I logged off and suddenly started to panic, that was my Exile who was laughed at and bullied by family and peers any time I tried to feel good about myself. What happened next was one of my Protectors suddenly sprung into action. He wanted me to log back on and delete that post before you read it. But the three types of parts in me are Exiles who trigger Protectors, and they all do it to honor my Core Self. My core self is that person who is very zen, and eternal. When I relax, I feel like I'm the exact same person I was at 4 years of age. And 10. And 14. And 20. And 40. My core self is the captain of this ship, and my Exiles and Protectors are my crew.
As I read your post, I saw the frightened little girl as one of your exiles, who was being rescued by one of your agressive protectors---(who, as you described her, she reminds me of a bouncer in a bar. Bouncers are working class people whose job is to remove unruly or dangerous patrons so that the good patrons can continue to enjoy their time in the bar. You have a lot to thank Miss D for. She's been a good bouncer for a long time). Your core self wanted to talk with both of them, and your protector, Miss D, was open to it. I hope that in the future, your frightened little girl will eventually feel safe enough to talk with you too. No hurry. That poor girl has been through a lot, and if she needs a little time before she's ready to talk, I think that's just fine.
One thing I'm struck by as I read up on IFS is the fact that ALL our parts, even our angry protectors, want us to talk to them. One provider used the analogy of a ship captain with her crew. The crew wants to do right by the captain and wants to talk openly with the captain. The captain, (our core selves) can kindly thank the Exile and the Protector for their service, and, eventually, the parts will open up.
Anyway, enough about IFS
I just want to say that I am very glad you felt safe enough to post this letter and not delete it. Speaking from experience I know that the sense of anxiety around worrying about what I wrote is no small event. So I respect your strength and courage to post it AND to leave it up for us to read.
I feel like we're all on this journey together and the more open we all are with each other, the more milage all of us can get in our healing journey.
I find solace in the knowledge that no one on earth is having a particularly good time right now. Every human has things that are driving us nuts. So when I think about how being in pain seems to be an inevitable part of the human experience, I don't feel so "alone" with my own pain. It's like...we didn't get the option to live a pain-free life, but we do have some say around what pain we choose to have to deal with. For me, it's depression from lifelong trauma and being raised to believe I'm garbage.
An old man who I worked with when I was young once said, "If every person in this shop put their troubles in a hat, and then got to pick new ones out of the hat, every person in this shop would pick their own troubles back again." I thought that was profound and have lived, ever since then, feeling like as much as I hate my depression and my memories and my traumas, I can't think of anyone who I would want to trade my problems for there's.
I hope this wasn't too weird of a response.
But if you take only one thing away from my rant, go with how proud I am of you for not deleting this post. Non-Traumatized people don't get how difficult that is, but us within the CPTSD community know how painful it is to worry that we've said too much. What Jerry Seinfeld used to say on his 90s TV show, "That's a pretty big matza ball you left hanging out there."
Remember; courage is not the absence of fear. It's the act of being terrified, but doing it anyway.
I'm glad you wrote it too and its safe here. I would write more but am not in a good place the past few weeks or today. But im glad you are here and writing and hope to be able to interact more soon.
Armee - I really appreciate you taking the time and writing what you have when you yourself are not in great place. I hope you start to feel better soon.
Papa Coco - It has taken a lot to not come back here and delete my post. I turned my laptop off as soon as I had posted so I couldn't come back on. I have been stressing about it all day, so I decided I had to rip the plaster off pretty quick, so to speak. I think if Armee and yourself hadn't replied there is still a chance I may have deleted it, I don't know. Maybe not. I suppose there was some relief in sharing, and sharing with those that I know, even with all the anxiety, understand what I am saying.
I laughed out loud when I saw your comment about Miss D sounding like a bouncer. For YEARS, friends and work colleagues, especially work colleagues, described me like that. I never minded that comparison to be fair. It always seemed so accurate. One place I worked, my favourite job ever, I was known as the bulldog. Again, meant in an endearing way and I did take it like that. One of the few occasions where a nickname wasn't meant to offend. At my last job before I left to have my son, I was known as the bouncer. It was actually my manager who really made it stick. Which was convenient for him as he always hid away in the back and left me and the assistant manager to deal with everything, especially problems. He was a bully too. Not a nice person in the end. When he said it, I didn't like it but when it came from my co-workers, it was said either jokingly or again just meant in a nice way. I was the one who looked out for everyone and dealt with the problematic customers, in both jobs. So to have that said here, really made me smile. Brings up some good memories :)
I have tried to look at this using IFS and it has made it somewhat easier to understand. I still don't know very much but from everything I have read so far that was the same conclusion I have come to also, that the small, scared girl is one of my Exiles and Miss D is clearly a Protector. I think you're right and Miss D is open to it, I just need to be careful on how I approach and really think about what I ask her. She is very guarded.
I am not going to rush any communication with the small one. Again, I make you right, she has been through so much and I need to take my time and foster a safe and trusting space for her to feel comfortable to talk to me. I'm not ready yet either. I know I'm not and that's ok too.
I love the analogy of ship captain and crew. I find it very fitting with my name and it links so nicely with what my last T always said about being the master of my sea.
Seeing others post and the warm, encouraging responses they get helped me find the courage to post in the first place. Coming back and finding those very same responses on my own post will hopefully encourage me to keep posting. I wrote in my personal journal today about how thankful and grateful I am for this forum and everyone here. Just the simple fact that I know that most if not all have suffered the same anxiety about posting and over sharing. We have all been in positions where sharing wasn't an option, or we were made to feel as if what we say has no importance. It's true empathy.
I do need to remember that about courage, and remind myself that, by that definition, I have shown so much courage throughout my life.
Thank you for your kind words and your insights. They are always appreciated and always leave me thinking and often looking at things a little differently.
I am proud of me too. It's not often I say that. :)
Hi Master of my Sea,
That is so funny that your protector, Miss D, makes everyone, including myself, think of a bouncer. Bouncers are protectors. They are employed to keep the whole establishment at peace. I can see why you were honored when your friends endearingly called you a bouncer. It's an honor, actually. People count on you, and you deliver.
As I was reading your response, it hit me that I don't yet know how to talk with my Exiles. Your confession that you were able to talk with Miss D, but not the Exile is consistent with all my experiences so far. The protectors are the bouncers. Proud to be of service and quick to talk with us when we ask them to. Our little Exiles are terrified, often small children. As I'm writing this, I'm seeing that talking with these frightened Exiles is going to be very different than talking with my protectors. I was an abused child so I know that abused children don't communicate their abuse very well. Then I raised two children of my own and was a source of grounding for many of their friends who would confide in my wife and I with things they couldn't talk to their parents about. So, in the real world, I know that frightened children don't just step up and talk candidly about their pain.
Our Exiles are frightened children. Children are new to life. They don't even always know why they feel so scared themselves. When a child is in pain, we talk TO them. We comfort them. We give them some wisdom to help them learn ways out of the pain. Very different than talking with a mature, powerful bouncer.
Because of this post thread, I am suddenly aware that I can talk candidly with my Protectors, but I need to love and protect my Exiles much more cautiously.
I've posted this before, but there is a line in one of my all-time favorite movies, Super 8, where at the end of the traumatic dramatic fight with an alien and the US Military, the leading character, 14 year old Joe Lamb, who has just saved the town and helped the alien escape the military, is held close by his tough, sheriff dad. The dad is holding Joe tightly around the head, kissing the top of his head and repeating over and over and over, "I've got you. I've got you. I've got you." Honestly Master of my Sea, I think that might be the best way you and I have to talk with our exiles. Once we've had a nice chat with our Protectors and they tell us why they are protecting the Exile, then we should just go to the Exile, hug him/her real tight and just keep saying it, "I've got you. I've got you. I've got you."
Hi Papa Coco,
I got pretty good at diffusing situations and have had people tell me that they didn't say or do something because I was there. I wouldn't have allowed it and they were glad that I was there because things went completely differently than maybe it would have done had I not been. So many things Miss D does just fits the bill of bouncer so well and I have always prided myself on being a reliable person. Probably due to the fact that there haven't been many people in my life that have been truly reliable I have wanted to be that person for other people.
I think that caution is going to be key with our Exiles. They are the most vulnerable parts of us, and we need to respect that in a way that it hasn't been before. I am looking at it very much in the way that we build trust with our Ts, it is a slow and gentle process that takes time and compassion. Our T's have to really earn our trust and when they do, we eventually start opening up. This slow and gentle approach is what I feel is needed to open up that communication, we have to slowly show them we are trustworthy and safe. Only then will our Exiles begin to talk to us.
Our Protectors on the other hand, will accept a more direct approach because they themselves are more direct. They have a distinct purpose, to protect the Exiles and they make that known, in whatever way they choose to manifest themselves within us.
I love Super 8! I can picture that scene so clearly. I completely agree that this may be the best way we have to communicate with our Exiles. Our Exiles haven't heard that before and I think we can all probably attest to a moment when someone said that to us, and actually meant it and how it made us feel. To just know that someone 'had us'. Those small, fragile parts of us need that more than anyone. Slowly, cautiously and oh so gently is the way forward. Compassion will be key.
I'm very new to IFS but that is kind of what I'm getting from it. It's compassion over judgment and a genuine curiosity to understand and help these parts of us.
Master of my Sea,
Wow. So well said. I took away from your comment the idea of being very gentle with the Exiles. You are right on: It took me years to begin to trust my current therapist. It can take years to gain the trust of my Exiles, and patience will work better than forcing them to talk to me.
And I agree wholeheartedly with your final comment: I'm very new to IFS but that is kind of what I'm getting from it. It's compassion over judgment and a genuine curiosity to understand and help these parts of us.
Very well said.
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I have to be honest, I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today. I suffer with an eye condition that has flared up this weekend. I had an appointment earlier in the week and they placed a plug in my upper puncta, now I have one in both the lower and upper punctas of one eye. As much as this will ultimately help it has triggered my condition to flare up. I have been in pain all day, unable to see out of one eye and extremely light sensitive. I have had to create a make-shift eye patch as I can't find mine, block out as much light as possible and I have slept a lot. All my plans for the day, out the window. It always makes me feel low, as I feel so useless. During a flare up I am really limited to what I can do. Most things cause pain because the moment I move my eye it aggravates it.
Fortunately, my son is away this weekend, so I am able to do what I need to, without being Mum. It's a challenge to have a flare up and look after a small person. We manage but it's tough. At least this weekend, he can go out and have fun, whereas if he were home, we would be stuck in doors.
One of the worst aspects of this is the amount of pain it causes and there is very little I can do about it. Like a toothache or an earache. At least, even in those cases you can sometimes apply pressure and get some relief, with my eye, there is nothing. Only sleep really but that comes with its own problems. Closing my eyes feels amazing, the problem comes when I try to open them. That just makes everything worse. It's a bizarre thing when you have to stop and think about how to blink, or how to open your eyes without causing your cornea to tear, or to exacerbate an existing tear. Things we do all day, every day, without thinking twice. I have to actively think about the best way to do it, or things like having to turn all the way around, just to be able to look behind me so I can cross the road. It's infuriating. And for someone like me who can be so fiercely independent, I have to rely a lot on other people to help me. I don't like that.
I feel like I'm having a good old moan, probably because I am. A flare up affects my mental health so much and usually I keep a lot of that to myself. I try and be strong but often I end up crumbling and getting really upset. Being in pain and not being able to do anything about it is just horrible, Not knowing how long it will last as well. It could be 2 days, or it could be a week. I just end up feeling so defeated and with that my depression starts to really get its claws in. I share some of this but not much, usually because I feel that so much is being done for me already, it would be wrong for me to dump all of that on someone too. I'm usually the one taking care of everyone, so it feels so wrong when someone is taking care of me. I always think I should be doing more to help. I've always been a 'Mum' like person.
Actually, in relation to that, I saw something today on the IFS thread that made me laugh out loud ;D In a comment my name was abbreviated to MOMS. As soon as I saw it, I burst out laughing, I hadn't noticed before. I honestly hadn't realised that that was the abbreviation. But it did solidify for me that I chose the correct name for myself. Ever since I was probably 10/11 years old, my friends, their parents, my family and even teachers have described me as the 'Mum' in my friendship groups. Always the one everyone came to for help and support, or even just a hug. The person there, ready to fight their corner and take control of situation. The person who would always be there. So, to see my screen name abbreviated to MOMS just made me chuckle. That's also the second reference made recently that links directly to what people used to refer to me as, and how I was viewed. But these links are more positive ones. There are aspects that have been detrimental to me but overall, they bring back good memories.
As hard as it can be sometimes to be the one that everyone comes to and I need to learn to set boundaries, I enjoy helping people. I always have. There is enough negativity in this world, enough bad, if I can do something good to help someone and put some good back into this world, then I'm going to do that. We have all experienced some of the worst horrors this world has to offer, we understand how it feels to need help and it not be there. If I can stop someone feeling one iota of what I have felt, then I'm going to do it. What I have to learn is to not take others' problems and make them my own. Not to absorb it. I need to learn to set my boundaries and stick to them. Stop people from being able to take advantage in the first place. I need to remember that my needs are also important and sometimes the person that helps everyone else, needs help themselves. It's a learning curve, and I have a long way to go but hopefully I'll get there in the end.
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I'm going to jump back real quick to what I was originally saying about my eye. I have started to wonder if it is linked to my mental health. The problem started a few years ago, just after my son was born. I'm not going to go into it, but just over a year later that I was diagnosed with C-PTSD. My life took a drastic downward turn, I was betrayed and hurt by people who I should have been safe with, and as my mental health got worse, my flares up increased in frequency and severity. Next month, it will be a year since I had my eye condition diagnosed and started treatment. It was also when my mental health was at its worst. When I look back and really think about it, my worst flare ups have all occurred during times when my mental health was poor and times of high stress. I have had no injury to my eye, which is often the main trigger and have never had this problem before. It could be completely coincidental, but I can't help but wonder if there is maybe a correlation there.
HI Master of my Sea
First off, yes. I noticed on day one that I didn't want to write to MOMS--or to Master. So I have always written out your entire name. I personally like the Acronym MOMS. I just didn't know if it would be appropriate to start using that.
Secondly, being refered to as a "mum" often by teachers, peers, and others, is something I would feel pride in. Being a caregiving person is something to be proud of as long as you aren't hurting yourself by doing it.
My therapist believes that all humans are connected. He believes that we were all created from the same stardust as our planet and solar system. He says that when I do something to heal myself, some of my healing reaches the whole world. If I'm a part of all things, then, like with the mobile hanging above our baby's cribs, if you touch just one of us, everyone starts to move. What I'm getting at is that the more of us who are good, the more good there is on earth. Period. I'm always comforted by your posts as you say such nice things to everyone when you respond. So, it's not just a Hallmark Greeting Card sentence, the world really IS a better place because you're in it. And this sentiment goes out to more than just yourself. Here on this forum, several truly caring people are also making the world a better place.
My therapist doesn't believe that CPTSD is the only reason I'm a fawn type who also compulsively helps others. He says I was born to be a caring person. The Traumas just exacerbated the gift of being a Fawn type and turned it into a barely manageable curse. Peel away all the trauma in yourself, myself, and in most of the people on this forum, and we were born empathetic and kind. CPTSD just made us sometimes give up on ourselves while helping others.
And to your eye. I'm SO sorry to hear of your situation. I have had chronic pains in my knees, back, head, neck, feet, low energy...when something happens to limit our physical ability to enjoy life, life just plain sucks. I'm glad to hear this should feel better within a week. I've got my fingers crossed that it plays out quickly for you.
It's hard to know for sure if your physical problems are tied to emotional setbacks, I know that you are right on to wonder if that's what's happening. Does that mean this ailment was caused by your traumas? That's impossible for us to know, but I DO believe it is entirely possible. That book, Scared Sick would support your suspicion that your inner life and your physical life are very surely connected.
I'll leave you with a wish and a hope that you feel better very soon and have some glorious fun with your little guy.
:hug:
Papa Coco....Thank you. Your words mean an awful lot. I struggle to accept compliments and having nice things said about me, but it means a lot when it is sincere, so again, thank you.
I agree with you about the others here on the forum, yourself being one of them. I have found many comforting words and so much understanding in such a short time.
Personally, I feel my posts are a jumbled mess and jump about a lot, but everyone here all seem to just get it and understand. It is strange to be surrounded, albeit virtually, by such wonderfully supportive people and I am thankful every day that I found my way here.
I don't think I would like it if my name was shortened to just
Master. It would feel so wrong for so many reasons. But MOMS, I like MOMS. It's a lot softer and feels a lot nicer :).
Master just feels dominating and ugly.
Quote from: Papa Coco on October 30, 2022, 12:28:12 AM
Secondly, being refered to as a "mum" often by teachers, peers, and others, is something I would feel pride in. Being a caregiving person is something to be proud of as long as you aren't hurting yourself by doing it.
That has always been the trouble, I was often more of a 'Mum' to my friends then their actual Mums were. The problem is I was very good at it and spent my teenage years trying to be the adult for other people my age. I got very good at getting them and their issues recognised and sorted. As a teenager there was only so much I could ever do, but because of doing this all of my problems and issues got buried. I never had time for my own and I didn't know how to solve my own problems, so I immersed myself in others. This is where I have always been most useful. In general, it's fine and I really don't mind being referred to as Mum, but there are negatives attached to it as well. So much pressure put on a young girl, and I was given no support. In fact, often my teachers would leave me to deal with these situations and friends alone because 'I knew what was going on', or 'I knew the situation/person better'.
But I cannot hide or run away from the fact that this is something I like to do. I like taking care of people, I hate seeing others hurting in any way and will always help if I can. I just always end up losing myself along the way.
Quote from: Papa Coco on October 30, 2022, 12:28:12 AM
My therapist believes that all humans are connected. He believes that we were all created from the same stardust as our planet and solar system. He says that when I do something to heal myself, some of my healing reaches the whole world. If I'm a part of all things, then, like with the mobile hanging above our baby's cribs, if you touch just one of us, everyone starts to move.
I really like this idea. I find it very soothing and calming. I suppose partly because that idea of being connected means a lot to me. Spending my life feeling disconnected from everything and everyone, just the idea that by working on me and putting some positive on me, I am pouring some of that back into the world, That I am connected. Makes it seem less lonely. And in that sense, by healing myself, that maybe a piece of the world is healing too. Putting some more good back into the mix. We need a lot more good in this world.
My eye is healing up pretty quickly, which I am so grateful for. I just find the timing for it starting and where I was in my life intriguing. Is it a physical manifestation of emotional pain? Or is it completely separate? I deal with all sorts of strange aches and pains and some of them come from my body remembering during a FB or I'll wake from nightmares and be sore and others are just life I suppose. But my eye bugs me, more than anything else. Probably because it can be so severe.
Probably one of those things I'll never know for sure, but it gets the old brain going ;D
I went home yesterday...
By that I mean I went back to where I grew up. I haven't been back there for probably about 2 years. It was a strange experience and there have been a whole array of emotions and memories that have come up. Some good, some bad. I ended up having NMs last night and it was intense. I did not sleep well at all and have woken up today with what could be, potentially, the start of a chest infection.
All sorts of things came up, they were like scenes from a movie almost. I was watching them happen from the outside. I would try and shout and call out, warn myself of what was about to come, but no sound would come out. All over again, I was powerless to help myself. I just had to watch. Then it would switch to something else, and the process would start all over again.
I don't feel like I can write what actually happened in these 'scenes'. Not even in my personal journal. Not yet. I think sometimes that writing it down, makes it more real. At the moment, these things are just images and feelings in my head and body. They are trapped in me and there is no physical proof of them. I feel like when I write these things down, they become real, more tangible and they have to be dealt with. It's there in front of me, in black and white. I can't run away from it.
I still minimise a lot of what has happened to me. I give excuses for people's actions, 'oh they were drunk', 'they didn't understand what they were doing', 'they didn't realise'. Or my personal favourite, 'I must have done something to deserve that.'
When it is written down in front of me, I can't do that. It's there, in all its glory and I have to acknowledge it. I can't do that right now. I tried to write about last night in my journal, but my pen just hovered above the page, and I had to fight off a panic attack.
I think another aspect to not being able to write it down is the fact that I struggle to find the words to explain it all. Even to myself. I think about all the things that have happened to me and most of the time I don't believe it myself. Now if I don't believe it, how am I supposed to find the words to describe it?
There is also a profound fear that someone will read it and accuse me of lying all over again. Or just point blank not believe that all of that, awful stuff, could happen to one person. I question myself enough, I don't need it from anybody else. Even that fear is irrational though, there is no one who is going to read it. Even so, I still can't bring myself to put these experiences onto paper. There has been the odd thing but that has flowed naturally and without me thinking about it. On these occasions I struggle and tend to have a bit of an episode, these can last anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks. Then I have to recover from them.
Maybe once I am back in therapy, I will feel stable and supported enough to be able to start putting things down. Maybe not. All I know is right now I'm not capable of doing it and that's ok. I can still come here and purge these rambling thoughts about all of this, it helps me feel less mad.
I read so many threads on here and have found so much useful information, from resources that are posted, to others experiences. Yet I find myself on posts that I relate to, that are older posts and I feel like I shouldn't comment. Like I'm too late to the party so to speak.
My ICr kicks into gear, telling me that no one cares what I have to say, my input will be irrelevant, no one is going to be interested in a new comment on something posted 2 years ago. Little sod can get real nasty! So, I don't comment on those posts. I just read and leave and that shuts the voice up, but I feel so lousy afterwards. Like I just want to disappear.
So many times in my life I have given my input to have it ignored or laughed at. Or I just get spoken over, to the point that I now end up talking over people myself. It all comes from a need to get it out quickly so at least I have had my say. So when I see these old posts, I can't bring myself to type anything out of fear of that judgement or someone saying that they aren't interested in what I have to say.
There have been many times where I know my input has been valued and sought after but there have been SO many times where the opposite is the case. So many factors would come into play. I was often the youngest in the room/conversation and would be regularly made to feel that because of that, I couldn't possibly have anything of value to add. What would I know?
I'd like to be able to get past this as I don't believe for one second that anyone on this forum would say any of those things or even think them. But it's hard to get past that wall.
So many people in my life see me as this bold, loud, confident person but the reality is so different. What most see is a suit of armour, they don't see the shy, introverted, unsure girl. The girl who is always second guessing herself. I do it every time I post. I come away thinking, 'I shouldn't have said that', 'that doesn't make any sense, why would you post it?' The one that gets me the most is that I shouldn't be here, like I'm an imposter. Oh, how nice it would be to finally have some faith and true belief in myself!
I also worry about posting too much and my posts being too long. I worry and panic over everything it seems. It's quite exhausting. I am really trying to keep reminding myself that years of damage is going to take years to undo, and I am only just starting to actually acknowledge and face all of the things I have been through. These fears are there for a reason.
Would it be odd to jump onto an old post and add something? Am I just overthinking and letting my ICr win? Probably.
Quote from: Master of my sea on November 05, 2022, 07:38:47 PM
I read so many threads on here and have found so much useful information, from resources that are posted, to others experiences. Yet I find myself on posts that I relate to, that are older posts and I feel like I shouldn't comment. Like I'm too late to the party so to speak.
My ICr kicks into gear, telling me that no one cares what I have to say, my input will be irrelevant, no one is going to be interested in a new comment on something posted 2 years ago. Little sod can get real nasty! So, I don't comment on those posts. I just read and leave and that shuts the voice up, but I feel so lousy afterwards. Like I just want to disappear.
Would it be odd to jump onto an old post and add something? Am I just overthinking and letting my ICr win? Probably.
Hi Master of my sea,
Your ICr sounds pretty similar to mine, at least in this instance. Some wise person on this forum suggested my ICr should just pipe down! If I may, I'd suggest the same to your ICr rn.
As for old posts - go ahead and comment!! There's tons of good information in old posts or good discussions and realisations. If a post helps you, it's probably going to help somebody else to read it, so comment away! I used to moderate on here and it was never a problem when people bumped old posts. I found lots of nuggets in old posts in my early days on the forum. So go for it! Maybe ICr would like to go into hibernation ;) It is Nov. after all and getting colder.
Re: long posts - on your own Journal it's not a problem. On other threads the Guidelines suggest max 2-3 paragraphs, though some of us like me just tend to write long reams because eg. ICr says nobody's going to understand me if I don't write every little detail down.
The disadvantage of long posts is that some of them don't get read. Too much text can be difficult for some mbrs on the forum - just too much and so you might not get so many responses. That varies a bit depending who's on the forum. Also it's one thing to just read long texts as a general mbr, it's a lot more strenuous when you're reading long texts as a moderator, though again that's not such a big deal on your own Journal.
Also sometimes when mbrs are new (you're pretty new on here, right?), they have a lot to write, a lot to get out of their system and that's OK. And some of us are just long-winded :whistling:
Hope this helps.
Hi, Master of my Seas.
Good wondering, albeit if you have to give ol' icr credit for the excessive worry about what's right on OOTS.
As you've found, there's lots to wade into here. Maybe some it is from years ago (OOTS only goes back to 2014), but much of it hits deep on various topics and, IMO, are worthy to be selectively read as there are nuggets all over. Much of it was commented on at the time of posting, but the inspiration, wondering, or just expressions often stand by themselves.
I had a pattern once I started to hang back, but found myself drawn into opening up more. Partly I hesitated (and still do) given the task of trying to adequately explain some things which are very nuanced and particular to my situation.
Still, I found myself surprised to find some topics that seemed to draw my need to say something. Early on I was especially prone to long posts, then they leveled off in a while.
Much of the leveling off had to do with my own recognition of when my 'overwhelm' was in danger of flooding my mind. I mean, I'd find it difficult to sleep after reading some of the entries on here, yet they pulled at me strongly. Here, after all, the talk isn't pedantic self-help, but trying to make sense of things that probably never will make one iota of sense.
On the other hand, even it some of the topics make one feel helpless, they at least point out that we're not alone either :grouphug:
So I guess my point is to encourage your browsing, commenting when you feel pulled to do so, and not worry particularly much about others reactions to your outlook. We all have unique viewpoints. One thing I've learned is to be willing to be surprised by what gets said, and especially by what my reaction(s) might be like. And, often, though I find some topics of intrigue, I also feel very unqualified, say, when current family matters are in the mix, as I literally pulled the plug on FOO decades ago.
Alright, hope this made some sense.
:hug:
When I joined this forum maybe a couple years ago I did not get through all the old posts so I personally like it when new members find old posts and surface them back up by posting in them. Then I get to see something I may have missed.
dollyvee - Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
My ICr won this one for a little while. I've stayed off the forum for a few days because I just couldn't bring myself to log on. It's been a real battle but I think I am slowly regaining my ground. I've logged on and replied on here, so I consider that a win today :)
As for the long posts, yes, I am pretty new and I'm trying so hard to not over-post lol ;D
I've always been sooo long winded when I talk, like you say, it's that need to make sure I am understood and also that I haven't offended/upset anybody. I often go off on different tangents as well. I struggle with clarity of thought. It was an issue when I was in therapy because I would go all over the place. It's a real challenge for me to stay on track. Especially with all of this.
I can appreciate how lots of long posts can be taxing if you're a moderator and how they can be too much for some people.
Hopefully I'll find my balance soon :)
woodsgnome -
Quote from: woodsgnome on November 06, 2022, 12:53:48 AM
Much of the leveling off had to do with my own recognition of when my 'overwhelm' was in danger of flooding my mind. I mean, I'd find it difficult to sleep after reading some of the entries on here, yet they pulled at me strongly. Here, after all, the talk isn't pedantic self-help, but trying to make sense of things that probably never will make one iota of sense.
Thank you for saying this. It has given me pause to think that maybe some of my posts have come from being overwhelmed at the time of writing and just not realising it.
I too find some posts difficult and can struggle with sleep after reading but have this undeniable pull to them. I feel more connected here than I have ever felt. Like you say, we are all just here trying to make sense of things that will never make sense. Every word we read is genuine and full of emotions and history and some posts can just resonate so strongly. I'm hoping that I will find the courage now to post on those ones that I am pulled towards.
Armee - Thank you for the encouragement and saying that you appreciate it when old posts resurface :) Everyone has been really encouraging and I hope that I can take the courage and strength from that to tell my ICr next time, to pipe down as dollyvee said ;D
It's been a really good lesson for me to know:
- it's OK to say too much.
- it's OK to come and find you have nothing to say and to just say hi
- it's OK to just post in your own journal if you can't reply to others
- it's OK to take a break short or long from the forum (there's a section for letting people know you are taking a break)
Just in general, it's OK. Sometimes I say too much and too triggering and sometimes I don't know what I am doing and forget a trigger warning because I'm just overwhelmed. But I have learned that this is a place for people to learn and practice what they need and how to keep themselves healthy while getting and giving support here.
Glad you have come back today.
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I have avoided the forum for a few days. I have been in a battle with my ICr and my ICr has been winning. I've had some company this week and I realised this evening, being on my own, that I was using that as my reason as to why I hadn't come on here. I could have logged on during the day, when it was just me and my son. I didn't. Having company was not the reason at all, it was an excuse. The real reason was I didn't want to see any responses to my posts. My ICr had me convinced they would be negative! HA! How wrong it was. I consider the fact that I have not only logged on this evening, but engaged too, as a win for me against that mean sod. I am regaining a little bit of ground. This has given me a little boost this evening. I'm currently riding the waves of an EF that was triggered last night. So to have this little victory is huge for me this evening.
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I ended up having a really bad night last night. I had something occur that hasn't happened in quite some time and whilst it has always been triggering, I have always been able to manage it. Last night, I didn't. I think because it has been so long since it has happened and the fact that my ICr has been shouting at me for days, so my mood has been fairly low, made it hit me harder.
I became incredibly tearful and irritated. I think I could have been described as very defensive too. I was verging on a full-blown panic attack but I managed to ground myself enough to stop that. I was also being hearing from my company that there was no need for me to be so upset, it had happened many times before and I hadn't reacted like this, come on calm down. All sorts like this. All said with the very best intentions but absolutely no understanding, that alone was infuriating as this person knows a lot of my history. Like I say, all intentions were good and they meant well and wanted to help but I felt like my feelings were being minimised.
What I did next surprised me, even in the emotional and precarious state I was in, I very clearly asked them to stop minimising my feelings and try and understand why I was as upset as I was! What!? I never do this. I always 'calm down and chill out' so the other person/people feel more comfortable. I then said I needed a minute and took myself off to go through my calming rituals and gather myself (somewhat). I never do this, I normally just try and bury what I'm going through whilst around people (not always successfully). As much as I am feeling all sorts of horrible, disgusting things right now, I don't really like myself very much at the moment and I know I'm riding the wave, I am clinging onto that little bit of strength that I showed. Maybe this is a little sign of a shift occurring in me, or maybe it was just a moment but wither way I'm glad that I found my voice enough to say what I did.
I ended up having horrible nightmares and have spent most of my day spaced out and in my own world. There have been flashes of images/memories and my body feels like it stuck in a moment that happened a few years ago. I have really struggled to be present today and I know my patience is short. I'm just a bit all over the show. I know I have to ride it out but I'm already so tired, dealing with this too seems like a monumental task.
I think that's partly why I really pushed myself to log on and engage tonight. Here I feel connected to people who understand. Even if I hadn't posted, just logging on and having a read can help. My company has gone so it's just me this evening and I don't think that was necessarily going to be helpful. I know this is a virtual space but I always feel a little less alone and a little less scared when I am here. I'm glad I logged on and I'm glad I engaged. This feels like a positive step when usually I just sort of disappear at moments like these.
It is so hard to feel like we have the right to stand up for ourselves. I am very proud of you for doing that and for not minimizing yourself for the comfort of your guest. Those breakthroughs come with backlashes which you were feeling last night. In the beginning a step forward and we get whipped. That does get better in time. Good for you for coming here tonight. :grouphug:
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I don't know how this is going to go. I don't know if I will manage to get out what I need to. I'm going to give it a go, I might not even hit post. I'll have to see when I get to the end. If I do post, I will be making the bulk of the text white, so no one has to read it if they don't wish to.
TW - SA
I have recognised over the last week, that my mood has been very up and down and my anxiety all over the place. I couldn't figure out why. I have been having nightmares most nights and have been getting triggered really easily. Then there was the event the other night that triggered me really badly, I have been dealing with the resulting EF ever since. But I was lying in bed last night and it all clicked! Big old lightbulb moment. Actually, it hit me like a train. It's Remembrance Weekend.
For the first time in 3 years I have acknowledged, out loud, that this weekend is hard for me. For 3 years I have buried my feelings and battled my triggers alone, not wanting to upset anyone and understanding how important this weekend is for a lot of people. It used to be important to me too but due to an event in the summer of 2019, anything Army related now really messes me up. I can't look at a poppy or see a soldier in uniform without feeling sick and furious and disgusting and ashamed. Scared. I feel scared too....wow....I wasn't expecting that to come out.
I couldn't watch anything to do with the Queen's funeral because if I see a bearskin, that's it, I'm done. It's very likely to trigger a PA if I don't ground myself fast.
For a while, I was surrounded by people in the Army. I was dating a soldier and spent virtually all my free time with him on barracks. I felt like a Queen, he was wonderful and we had so much in common and I was just on cloud nine. Looking back it was a total whirlwind. We were having so much fun and he made me feel so amazing that I was blind to how fast things were moving, I was just so caught up and so in love. I thought he felt the same. Very quickly I became aware of certain habits he had and if I'm honest I was surprised at how rife it was within the Army. Blew my mind that these lads were doing what they were and getting away with it. Honestly I was so caught up in him, I shrugged it off. He could be using far more than he is, it's not that often...all the excuses. When I think back now, I'm floored by my own stupidity. After everything I had already been through in my life and I just seemed to ignore every single red flag. Within months of meeting this man I was almost £2000 in debt because I was paying for an awful lot of what we did. (I never paid for his habit though) He even 'got me a present' once, but he used MY credit card to pay for it. So I got myself the gift really.
Almost all of my free time I spent with him and his friends. I was either at work or with him. Unless he was on duty. That became my life for a good while.
Then before I knew it, I was pregnant. Before this relationship, I was very much in the headspace of not wanting children. I was young and some of my siblings had kids. I enjoyed being the fun Aunty. I wasn't looking to have my own but here I was, pregnant and surprisingly excited. (Now please understand, I love my son and wouldn't change having him. He is my whole world, but that was my mindset at this point in time) In a matter of months and I mean about 4 months of us meeting and dating, I'm pregnant! It's like I wasn't thinking. I have always been sensible, but he managed to convince me to not use protection and he then wouldn't wait until I was on a contraceptive. Huge red flag!....Ignored! I make myself so angry.
Not long after I found out I was pregnant, we found out he was getting deployed for 4 months overseas. I was devastated and scared. I just found out we are having a baby and now he isn't even going to be around for 4 months! Cue panic.
It was all completely downhill from there. Everything just got worse.
Whilst he was deployed I had all sorts of issues at work. We had an incredibly toxic manager and it got to the point that about 5 of us said that if he didn't leave then we would because we couldn't take it anymore. It was so bad that he knew I was pregnant but still insisted I continue my usual jobs. My job was very physical at the time and this man had me humping huge, heavy boxes around and climbing up and down ladders with stock. I ended up having to go and get checked out due to pain and bleeding. I told them what was going on and they informed me that what was happening was a threatened miscarriage and if I didn't stop then I was at risk of losing my baby. I took that info straight to the relevant people and made it clear that I would not put myself or my unborn child in any more danger. Ultimately due to the multitude of complaints he was removed.
Some time passed and things were pretty chilled until a couple of months later. My partner was due to be coming home in about a month or so and I was getting excited, I was looking rather pregnant at this too. I was woken up in the early hours one night by a message on my phone. Another woman had messaged me with screenshots of conversations with my partner. This was not 2 friends having a chat. I was devastated and wish I had stuck to my guns and left him then. But he convinced me it was a one off and wouldn't happen again. He lied. A few weeks later, I was woken again in the early hours by another woman messaging me with screenshots. This one, she was pregnant as well and when she realised he had a pregnant partner, she told me straight away. I was crushed. But again he convinced me to stay. Both times I also had his mother in my ear telling me that I had to think about our baby and they were just silly mistakes. This is the same woman who later stole my brand-new pregnancy pillow and claimed it was lost in the mail. Until I found it behind her sofa. Her son just laughed it off. A friend ended up lending me theirs.
Everything was happening so fast. I had to move out of where I was living and had nowhere to go so ended up living in my sisters bedroom for a couple of months. The last month of my pregnancy was incredibly traumatic (that is a story for another day). Then within 6 weeks, I had a baby, got married and moved into a new house. BOOM! I was a mess. Once we got into that house, he changed.
We argued all the time, he was always drunk. Always out and lying about where he was. I was miserable and lonely. He ended up joining a club and I joined shortly after. I was trying so hard to make things work but it just wasn't. We had reached a point that when I told him it was over, he would tell me that if I left him, he would kill himself. There is so much to this but I feel like I am now putting off getting to the reason for this post. I'm rambling a bit.
I thought I had found some real, genuine friends. For the first time. I was finally starting to feel a bit better. What I didn't realise was that I was actually spiralling, I was drinking heavily and being reckless. Behaviour that truly makes me embarrassed and hate myself now. It was not like me at all but there wasn't anybody around me, that knew me well enough to notice and to try and help. I was in a new town, away from everyone I knew, surrounded by, effectively strangers. In amongst this new group were a lot of soldiers. From all different regiments of the Army. Most of them were lovely, childish, but lovely people. But there was one, he was King of the castle. Everyone adored him, he was the backbone of the place. Highly respected and everyone's friend. I got on with him famously and he....well let's just say it would appear that I was selected. He seemed to take a particular interest in me. I would walk in and he would stop what he was doing and walk across the room to come give me a hug. He didn't do that with anyone else. He always seemed to know where I was at all times. I say all this now in hindsight and with hours of therapy to help me understand. I didn't notice any of this at the time.
(This is it....here goes)
There was one night. I don't exactly remember when, just that it was the end of August. There was something happening at the club, again I can't remember what, but everyone was there. We were all having a drink and a laugh, I'd had a few but not enough to explain what happened. I have very little memory of this night, it gets to a point and it just...stops. Black, nothing until the following morning. The last thing I remember was saying goodbye to my friends, they were heading off somewhere else. That just left me, my H and this other man. I remember the fairy lights, really clearly. But there is nothing else. This makes me doubt myself all the time. Did this happen? Did I make it up? But then why would I? I have had nothing but trauma from this.
After saying goodbye to those leaving, I have no memory until the following morning when I woke up in bed. I was in bed with no idea how I got there and in only my underwear. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew something was wrong. I felt disgusting and I hurt. I was so sore. I got up and walked into the bathroom. What I saw, I can't describe how it made me feel. I really can't. I sorted myself out and walked back into my bedroom. I remember just standing and looking at the bed, at my H. He woke up then and when he looked at me, I asked him what had happened last night. His answer still makes me feel sick and angry and just so disgusting. He told me, we had a threesome, and that it was all my idea. I think I shut down a bit at that point. I told him I couldn't remember anything and that I was sore. He just kind of shrugged it off and then told me that I couldn't say anything to anyone. I had to keep it to myself. I think I just said ok and walked back into the bathroom and took a HOT shower.
The next time I saw the other man, we were walking past each other and he said to me, 'Remember, not a word', he put his finger to his lips and kept walking. I felt sick. I knew that what I had been told was not what happened. I couldn't remember anything, but my body was telling me EVERYTHING. And boy was it screaming at me, my skin was crawling!
I was so angry with myself and still am in lots of ways but my last T worked really hard to show me how this scenario actually went. He believes that this other man, this wasn't his first assault. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing, and he handpicked me due to my vulnerability at the time and how easily he could influence my H. My T believed that I was almost used as part of a transaction, I was my H's ticket into his good graces. My T believes I was drugged, due to the complete lack of memory and I know I hadn't drunk enough to 'black out'.
What I really struggle with is the fact that these men were soldiers. My H part of an old and proud regiment and the other man, he was military police and fairly high rank too! These were people I should have been able to trust with my lives and they betrayed that trust in the most horrendous way. I used to have such respect for the Army but now...now I have seen it's dark and ugly underbelly and it's terrifying!
So now every year on this weekend, I am plagued by sensations and emotions that I can't place. I will randomly feel the wood of a table, under my fingers tips. Like my hand is on it. I see the fairy lights, there is more but those are just a couple of examples. My skin crawls and I want to scrub it off. Then there are the nightmares and shivers, the list could go on. I have taken great efforts to hide all of this up until now but If I keep hiding, I am never going to move past it. But how do you heal from something that you don't even remember, something you doubt yourself on all the time because of your own stupid behaviour?
I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to put this somewhere and here seemed safe.
There is so much more to this and I am amazed that I have written this much. I am going to stop here though as right now I need to get my body under control.
People can be so needlessly cruel.
:grouphug:
Gentle hug. Many of us share this time of year in common and relate to what you describe. It is hard to write what you did. I'll say what others here have said to me as I deal with the same gaps doubts and struggles to heal something that's remembered by the body only.
I believe you
They were evil
It is not your fault
I understand you
You are not alone
Hi MOMs,
I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's so hard to think that other people target you because you are vulnerable when you've already been through a lot growing up. I feel like that sometimes and it can be a very dark place, but I also think you sound very strong and capable of handling it well.
Sending you support,
dolly
Sending support Master of my Seas
I am so sorry that happened to you... that is just so horrible
Thank you Armee, Dolly and Phil.
Your words mean a lot :)
I wish I could say more but I'm in a pretty rough place today and the words are not coming easily.
Thank you again for the kindness, support and belief.
MOMS,
I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's a sad, sad commentary on the "men" who serve our countries.
I am impressed by your candid and open report of what happened and how it happened. You said that you need to stop hiding it if you want to get past it, and, to me, that seems like the right sentiment. You've got a safe and loving place here on the forum to be so open. I'm very glad you're taking this step.
What your H and this other loser did TO you was wrong, wrong, wrong on EVERY scale. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Every ounce of the shame of these events belongs squarely on those to little pigs. As a man I can't even understand HOW these dinks felt like they had to do what they did.
Please know that I feel great empathy for you and your situation. Drugs are so commonly used in cases like this. I suspect they were used on me when I was just a little boy too because the blackouts I used to endure at school were similar to the one you talked about: One second you're somewhere and a few seconds later you wake up somewhere else. No memory of even feeling tired. Anyone who would do that to another human being is too evil to trust with anything ever again.
I'll keep you in my thoughts for the next few days as you go through this EF. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing each day.
I wish I knew more to say. Just know that your story has touched my heart and I'll be watching your posts with a little extra care for the next few days.
Big, safe, virtual, no-touch hug for you: :bighug:
Hi Papa Coco,
Thank you for your kind words and I can truly feel the support and care from everyone. It's a comfort to me right now.
Quote from: Papa Coco on November 12, 2022, 11:49:01 PM
What your H and this other loser did TO you was wrong, wrong, wrong on EVERY scale. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Every ounce of the shame of these events belongs squarely on those to little pigs. As a man I can't even understand HOW these dinks felt like they had to do what they did.
You sound so much like my last T :) He used to say this to me often. It's something I really struggle with. My rational brain knows this but I battle daily with the shame and guilt that my own behaviours at the time somehow led to this.
I shocked myself with what I wrote and I have battled the anxiety linked to that too. It's the first time since my therapy ended that I have really spoken about it at all.
I am feeling fragile and odd. I have allowed my body to do what it needs to for the first time and it has been overwhelming at points. But also freeing.
I have had an invite to go away for the night and have accepted. I was going to say no but I think having some company will do me good and getting away from all of this history too. I live very close to where all of this happened so I think getting away for a little while will be helpful and calming. I can go and sit on the beach for a while and just watch the waves.
Thank you for the safe, no-touch hug. I appreciate that a lot :)
Hi MOMS.
I hope you truly enjoy your weekend. I live near an ocean beach. I find myself on the sand a lot just staring out at the sea or walking or riding a bike on the ocean's edge. Something about being there really opens up my brain and heart. I hope you find the beach to be as healing for you.
You said something I really want to address. You said "You sound so much like my last T :) He used to say this to me often. It's something I really struggle with. My rational brain knows this but I battle daily with the shame and guilt that my own behaviours at the time somehow led to this."
This makes me want to very clearly say to your rational brain that I've seen many people in my lifetime abused in ways you report. In hindsight you can see where you made choices that led you to the abuse, but that's because hindsight removes all mystery. During the time that you were practicing the behaviours that led to your abuse, you did NOT NOT NOT have the benefit of hindsight. Those two thugs were playing out their sick game of control and you were someone they intentionally targeted. Without hindsight, you had no idea what you were being tricked into doing. I say this because I want you to know that this was not about you. MILLIONS of people have been tricked, groomed, and drawn into these criminal events all the time. This was NOT about you! This was not about ANY of the other people who've been attacked the same way you were. This is about a very bad behavior of those two nasty, lying, tricking, thieving pieces of garbage who have probably done the same thing to mutiple other women.
Almost every single female I've ever met who joined the military has told me about being raped by her own fellow soldiers while serving. What I want to say to you is that you are not a deserving target. This sort of thing happens to PhD's, and scientists, and cops, and wealthy people, and poor people, and children, and adults, and the elderly, and even grown men...There are predators who will do this to anyone, no matter how intelligent or strong or wealthy or well protected.
You did not know that these two thugs were planning to do this to you. Very few victims of this crime ever do know it's coming. These pigs use trickery to get us to behave how they want us to so they can take what is ours and leave us thinking we "willingly gave it to them." I don't personally believe in the presence of a "heII" but I often HOPE there's one because HeII is not for victims who were tricked into being attacked. HeII, if it exists, is for your H and his friend who leveraged your desires for love and connection and used your goodness against you.
I'm having a bit of a new problem with my connection to my writing. I don't feel like I am really writing coherently. IFS is changing how I connect with my Exiles and Protectors and Core Self, and somehow or another I feel like my writing isn't making any sense. My goal with this post is to be sure you know that what happened to you is something that can happen to anyone and that feeling like this was, in any way, your fault, is like saying it was your fault that an earthquake cracked the foundation in your home. You are NOT responsible for what happened, and you are NOT the only person on earth who has ever been tricked by trash like your H and his friend.
I hope the spirit of my message is obvious in the writing. If what I say makes no sense, let me know and I'll keep trying to say it in a way that makes sense.
Hi Master of my Seas,
I would also like to extend a gentle hug (if that's ok) to you :hug: and I read what you wrote in the white writing, and I believe everything you wrote, and feel that the people were bad to you, and it shouldn't have happened. I am so sorry that you experienced that.
I wish I had better words.
Hope :)
Hope - Thank you for your kind words and your belief. They mean a lot :) Hugs (even virtual ones) are starting to feel a bit safer now so thank you for that too,
Papa Coco - Your post made perfect sense to me :)
I did enjoy my time away and I think it really helped me to clear my head. The FBs lessened so that was a big help and just being away. Sitting on the beach the first night I watched a cruise ship, all lit up, as it travelled out and I felt some measure of peace. It just looked amazing against the night sky.
One thing I have noticed though is that when in company, I really mask my physical symptoms. I fight against everything I usually allow my body to do. By the time I am going to bed I am exhausted from it and then I start twitching and shaking in bed. So I need to work on that.
Your post means so much to me, it really does. I will admit I found it hard to read as I struggle to believe myself and deal with the guilt and the shame, I don't feel very deserving of such kindness, but I really appreciate all that is being extended to me.
I have so much I want to say but I can feel my concentration slipping and I'm zoning out a bit, so I'll leave it here for now.
Thank you so much for your kind words and compassion. They truly mean a lot
Master of my Seas,
BIG hug.
:bighug:
I came on here fully geared up to write but now I am here, the words are gone. It's hard to concentrate through the noise that is still going on in my head. Things have improved and are getting a bit better each day but I'm clearly not fully 'here' yet. So in the meantime, I just want to say another huge thank you for everyone's support, understanding and compassion. It has meant the world to me and I have kept you all close in my thoughts whilst I have been navigating this. Hopefully I will feeling more myself soon.
Until then I hope all of wonderful people are ok and I hope to be back on and posting more again soon.
Big Hugs :bighug:
Master of my Seas,
Some days are just like this. Take a break. Take care of yourself. Enjoy some down-time.
:)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Finally the fog is starting to clear and the noise in my head is starting to quiet down. Today is the first day that I have really started to feel a bit more 'here', a bit more myself. Today, my FBs have massively reduced. They are more like little flashes now and my physical symptoms are much improved. I am absolutely exhausted as sleep has been a real challenge for me over the past week but I almost feel more 'awake'. That's the only way I can think of to describe how I'm feeling. Everything is just less. I'm hoping my sleep will reflect that too. My NMs have been getting better, I am now getting at least a portion of the night where there are no NMs, but I struggle to stay asleep. I'm just hoping that this will improve even more tonight.
I ended up having company all week which I think was a good thing in the end. Having someone to talk to and distract me has been a huge help. I think I would have struggled a lot more had I been left to my own devices. We haven't really done anything but it has been nice to have someone else around and not have to fight feeling alone on top of everything else.
Unfortunately there are some cons to having that company. I have become SUPER aware of how much I mask when I am around other people. I fight all of my physical symptoms. I have been allowing myself to shiver and tremble and shake. I have allowed myself to randomly shudder and have my little head ticks. I bounce my leg and I fiddle with things. I cry and zone out and so much more, but when I'm around people I battle with myself and try and stop. I try and contain it all. What I have found this week is when I do that, I become totally exhausted, numb and when I go to bed, as I start to drift off, I start to twitch and shake and fidget. All the things I have stopped myself from doing come back up to the surface. It then takes me forever to fall asleep as I then have to lay there and shake my leg and wiggle my fingers and toes. It's like I have to allow it all to escape before I can even think about going to sleep. This is not a quick process at all. Some nights it has taken me hours to get to a point where I can be still enough to actually fall asleep.
I can't stop shaking my foot though. I have found in recent months that this really helps me, even on a regular night. But after this week I think I have figured out why. It's because of what I have just described. That constant shaking of my foot as I settle down to sleep, is a release for anything that has built up throughout the day.
I need to work on not masking. I need to find the balance between controlling my symptoms and hiding them and realise that there is difference between the two. I think I mask because if I didn't, one everyone would look at me like I'm cuckoo, two the people/person I am with would be really confused as I have hidden this stuff from everyone around me, my entire life and three, I feel like it would make others uncomfortable. I think this is the biggest reason. I have always tried to make everyone around me comfortable and happy. Me 'behaving' like that would make most uncomfortable, because they don't understand and it's not something they are used to seeing from me.
I did try a bit this week but every time, when I was asked if I was ok, I just said yes. Then I went back to masking :doh: I will probably need some help with this.
I am happy to have some time alone now though. I feel like I can now sit and really process what I have experienced this week. This is the first time I have truly allowed myself to feel and accept just how hard it is for me. Even if others don't get it.
I feel conflicted, I have a deep respect for the military and I AM proud of our soldiers, but I also have the deep fear and hatred of it, I know how just how ugly it can be and the types of people that are within its ranks. Nothing happened to me over Remembrance Weekend but having soldiers and the military thrown in your face everywhere you turn, when you do everything you can to avoid it, is massively triggering. It really messes with my sense of safety. These people were supposed to keep me safe. That's their job. One of them made a vow to love and respect me and then betrayed me in the most horrendous way. Because of them, I view every soldier with suspicion and I know that isn't fair, I know they aren't all like that. But I didn't think these two were and I was so wrong.
I have spent a lot of time trying to understand but I think I am slowly starting to accept that I never will. How can I? My own mind cannot even begin to comprehend what happened to me. How could I ever begin to understand people who think that what they did was ok? Well they didn't think it was ok did they? Otherwise, it wouldn't have been drilled into me to keep quiet and not say anything to anyone.
I have so much to work through and process and I know it's going to be a long road. I do feel that this little acknowledgment of how this time of year affects me is a step forward. I haven't hidden it completely for once.
MOMS,
I am so glad to hear that your FBs have been getting less and that you are finding it a little bit easier to relax and calm the turmoil in your head.
I know how much incredible strength it takes to mask/ hide your own emotions and I think that it's admirable how much you are trying to protect others from these symptoms, ticks, etc. It shows how much of a kind, caring person you really are.
I just hope that you can find some person with whom you can totally be yourself with, someone who will accept you completely and will be there for you when you are struggling to stay in control of your emotions.
That said, I completely understand that you might be finding it hard to trust others (especially people in the military) after all that has happened. You have been betrayed and abused in the most terrible way and no one can ever expect you to understand or accept this.
It sounds to me like you are still overwhelmed by all the pain that you have suffered in this situation and that is totally okay, too. Take all the time you need to process this and, if you need help, you know that you can always contact me (or the other kind souls in this forum).
I do hope that it will get a bit easier to live with this and that you can finally find some peace, even if this may seem impossible right now.
Take care of yourself.
I hope you can get some good night's sleep
I think it's OK to feel the fear and distrust. It doesn't mean you don't honor the sacrifice soldiers make. You are triggered by them because they are a trigger and some have been a threat to your safety. You don't walk around screaming at all soldier's for being bad so I think it's OK to feel the way you do.
I'm sorry your husband and the other soldier did that to you. It's not OK and it's not understandable. The betrayal is harsh I can't imagine. I don't know if my own journal is too cryptic and scattered to know the details of what I've been talking about lately but I was set up by the grandfather of the kids I was nannying for for the summer, to be drugged and gangraped. . That betrayal felt like the worst part of all when I finally stitched together those pieces and realized what had happened. And that relationship is just nothing in terms of betrayal compared to yours. It's probably not really to be understood or understandable how someone can do that. It's just sick. It's not you or your fault. They are sick.
I hope your sleep continues to improve and the flashbacks and nightmares keep quieting down.
Milk and Honey - It does take a lot to mask and it helps explain why I seem to have spent my life in perpetual exhaustion. Old habits are hard to break. The problem with protecting others from my symptoms is I end up doing a disservice to myself. I stop paying attention to my needs and can make things worse. Also I will never know if I am surrounding myself with the right people if I don't show them what I go through. How can you know someone will be supportive if you don't give them a chance to be? I battle with this all the time because to be able to show that side of me, I need to be able to trust you, but I don't trust anybody. It's a vicious cycle.
I agree, I am still overwhelmed by it all. It's something I think about often but also something I try desperately not to think about. It still has such an impact on my daily life and how I interact with people. I also have no one I can talk to about it, people find it too upsetting. I can understand that but it also leaves me with no one to turn to when I am triggered. I'm so glad I have been able to find this forum and find a community of people who can understand that these events that occurred in our lives are still very much 'happening' for us. Here I have found somewhere safe where I don't have to explain or justify or even try to convince anyone. I can just come and talk and even if no one replies I have still been seen and heard by someone.
Thank you for the kind words and support. They mean so much.
Armee - Thank you! For understanding the conflict I feel when it comes to soldiers. There are people in my life that don't seem to grasp that I feel both of these things simultaneously. I struggle with it myself but it seems to be a hard thing for some people to grasp that you can fear something but also hold respect for it too.
The betrayal is crushing. I know after reading your journal that you can understand that. I constantly question myself as to what I could have possibly done to warrant a such a brutal betrayal. I am not perfect in any way shape or form and I am so HYPER aware of my own flaws, but I just can't understand what reason they could have. To do that to someone you are supposed to love, to someone who considers you a good and trusted friend. It cripples me. I had very little faith or trust in people before this, but they completely destroyed my faith in the goodness of people for quite some time. It just cemented in my mind that I had no value to people. Other than what they can take. I still battle with this. I am always thinking of what the next betrayal could be now.
Then comes the fact that I feel this deep sense of betrayal all the time alongside the constant doubt of, Did that even really happen? Have i created something out of nothing?
Betrayal is betrayal, no matter who does it. What happened to you was horrendous and wrong and he had zero right to set you up and have you go through what you did. And I am going to ditto what you said to me right back at you, It's just sick. It's not you or your fault. They are sick.
Thank you for your support as I navigate this. It is horrible that we have had to experience these things but I am taking some comfort in the knowledge that I am no longer alone. That even though it may be virtual, there is a community here that understands and accepts me and all my dark history.
:bighug:
I'm sorry people in your life don't understand. That's exhausting. And the masking is exhausting. Thank you for the empathy and compassion back to me here in your own journal.
You already know it doesn't make sense how they could do that to you and there's nothing to figure out because you didn't do anything to deserve or invite this. This isn't something you personally could have controlled by being different in any way because it didn't happen because of something being wrong with you. It happened because they were sick predators.
But I understand. I'm also constantly asking myself "why did they do this to me?" "Why would they do this to me?" "Why didn't I see it coming?" "How could I have been so stupid?" Seeing someone else go through the same it's easier to see that there aren't answers to those questions.
Ufortunately, the reason we are here on this forum and not another is because this is one trauma on top of a lifetime of chronic trauma at the hands of others who should have protected us. And so the PTSD symptoms after the new trauma...well they tend to reconfirm what we already have told ourselves. My fault, can't trust, etc. Wicked stuff.
The doubt is wicked too. It's possibly the worst part and it prolongs healing. But it's worse than that it is a torture in and of itself. I can see clearly 100% what happened to you is 100% true. You are not making this up. It happened. It should not have but it did.
It feels like when I have that doubt it shoves me further back into the deep dark scary forest. Next time I do that to myself I'm going to try imagining I am instead doing that to you. I won't be able to do that to someone else. The thought just breaks my heart. I'll scream in my head "no! What are you doing? Why would you hurt her more?"
I'm sorry you went through this but I'm grateful you are here right now sharing this with us because it helps me in my healing too.
Thank you for the hug :)
It can be really frustrating and really lonely sometimes when the very few people in my life, don't understand. I think some of it is from a very black and white way of thinking at times and some of it comes from the difficulty I have in finding the words to describe something, that I have no words for. How do you describe something that you honestly don't know how to explain? Also some of the questions and arguments that have occurred due to all of this and all the other stuff that happened at the time, have made me quite closed off. I don't trust that I am not going to be judged or questioned. There are so many questions I don't have answers to as I literally have no memory.
There are other times (with the second person) where I have no memory of anything and we were the last two there. This is after the initial incident. I have been asked relentlessly about those nights and have been accused of lying, purely because I have no memory and that is apparently 'convenient' for me. The lack of memory is sometimes more distressing in ways, than events that I do remember. Not knowing what may have happened to me is soul destroying.
Quote from: Armee on November 20, 2022, 01:52:01 PM
But I understand. I'm also constantly asking myself "why did they do this to me?" "Why would they do this to me?" "Why didn't I see it coming?" "How could I have been so stupid?" Seeing someone else go through the same it's easier to see that there aren't answers to those questions.
It's always the why and how questions isn't it? They plague my mind. But I agree with you, seeing someone else battle the same way I do, just helps to cement that there isn't an answer. Nothing that could ever be justifiable anyway.
It feels like when I have that doubt it shoves me further back into the deep dark scary forest. Next time I do that to myself I'm going to try imagining I am instead doing that to you. I won't be able to do that to someone else. The thought just breaks my heart. I'll scream in my head "no! What are you doing? Why would you hurt her more?"I may have to pinch this, if that's ok?
When the doubt creeps in, I always feel like I've been locked in a dark room and all the doubt just screams at me. That's all that's in there. I couldn't imagine shutting that door on someone else!
I'm sorry that we have this horrendous thing in common, but it really helps me to see someone who truly gets it. Who understands the torture of it. I have read your journal and have taken inspiration from how far you have come. I don't feel so alone in my lack of visual memory with the event. I'm not crazy and it does happen.
Master of My Sea,
I completely resonate with everything you said and I am thinking of you in these difficult times.
It is so incredibly hard to keep trying to hide all your feelings and I agree that it is a disservice to ourselves but I also understand how difficult it is to trust people after everything that has happened in your life.
So far, I have always tried to bear all my pain and hurt on my own because I didn't want to be a burden. There were only very few times when I was brave enough to try and connect with people and tell them about my struggles but it never ended well. Either people didn't want to deal with all this darkness or they offered some kind of heartless, robotic empathy for a day before slowly and gradually distancing themselves from me. Some also tried to belittle what I was going through and said I was just trying to get attention.
So, I understand how much it hurts to not be able to trust anyone and I see why it would be hard for you to open yourself to others.
I just want to say that I also believe you 100%. From what you have said and the way you have told your story it is very clear to me that the trauma you experienced was real. And I am always here if you ever want to talk about this at any time.
I would never turn away from you when you are struggling and looking for help because I know what it feels like to desperately long for someone to listen and care but to find yourself completely abandoned. And I would never want you to experience that, so yes: if you ever feel the need to talk and share than I am here for you (and I'm sure the same is true for a lot of people on here).
Take care and be gentle to yourself. You have been through a lot but you're still standing, still breathing, still fighting, still here. And that's what matters
M&H - I think that is a trait common amongst most of us here. We try and deal with our trauma by ourselves, not wanting to be a burden. But this comes from the fact that most of the time, we have been made to feel this way whenever we have tried to reach out. So we learn to keep it to ourselves and try to deal with it alone, but ultimately, we all reach a point where we cannot do that anymore. The load just becomes too much to bear and we often find ourselves alone and isolated, with no port in the storm.
A lot of we have been through is too distressing for others to hear. I often think this is because we often endured the 'taboo' abuses. The ones that people don't want to acknowledge.
Your kindness and support means a lot, so thank you. I have felt so alone for so long, always different from everyone else. It's good to find a place where I am not weird, or too sensitive etc. Somewhere that I am finally understood.
Being gentle with myself is something I am still learning to do, but for once I am really trying.
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After this last week I think I have come to a few realisations. Or at least have got a few new ideas.
My anxiety levels have been way up as I have navigated this EF and there have been some really tough moments where I have struggled to keep control of myself. I had in it my head that I had avoided any PAs but when I have looked back through my personal journal and seen some of my entries, I don't think that is the case. I saw a couple of points, that reading it back, were most definitely PAs. They just presented differently to normal. But I did also notice in those entries, that I was able to manage them pretty well. I was able to calm and ground myself before they got too bad, which is another reason why I don't think I recognised them for what they were. Usually when I have a PA, it's VERY clear that that is what is happening and I really struggle to come back to ground on my own. I usually need someone to help me recognise that I'm ok and I'm safe. But not with these.
This gives me a little joy, a little hope that maybe some progress is being made. Maybe I have taken more steps forward than I realised.
Another thing I have noticed, is my usual anxiety level. My baseline. I use my C-PTSD journal and there is an anxiety tracker in it. It's a scale of 1-10. 1 being calm and no anxiety and 10 being PA. Over the last week or so I have been sitting somewhere between 7-10 but I have noticed it coming down over the last few days. I am now sitting between 5-8. This is good, this is more manageable. But seeing how high it has been got me intrigued and I looked back over the 3 weeks prior and noticed that I consistently sit at a 5 on the scale. If it is a good day, a 'normal' day, it will stay at a 5, sometimes it jumps up due to a trigger or just a bad day but, at least in the last month, it has never dropped below a 5. So, this has given me a goal. I want to try and drop my baseline down to a 4. I am not going to rush this, it isn't a race, but it is something to work towards and gives me a focus. That's got to be a good thing right?
The other thing I have really noticed I have already mentioned in a previous post. I mask...a lot! I knew I did, I always have but I have really noticed just how much. So now I have noticed, how do I change it? I have no clue :Idunno: I tried a few times this past week but that didn't really work. I just said, 'I'm fine' when it was noticed. I also found that I was actively stopping myself, like mid shiver, I would notice and immediately my whole body would tense up and the shiver would stop. Then it would feel like someone had poured ice water down my back. It's so exhausting to fight these physical symptoms on top of dealing with all the emotions and everything else that has come along with this but I just don't know how to stop myself from doing it.
I wonder if it's because it will show an incredibly vulnerable part of me. A part of me that I am so desperate to protect.
My last T used to use Russian dolls to describe the different 'layers' of me and how the smallest doll, is my most vulnerable part and all the other dolls are built up around it to protect the tiny one in the middle. The top layer is the strongest, the biggest and to get down to the next part, there has to be trust. Now this is my issue, I have given people access to the most vulnerable part of me, that tiny little doll, at different times in my life and all that happened was I was mistreated. I now don't know how to build that trust with someone because I keep everyone at distance. No one feels safe enough to allow them to see this part of me, I know there will be judgement and questions. Some of those questions I don't have answers to and not having the answer causes me so much stress and anxiety. Not having the answer to questions has always been an issue, people get upset with you when you don't know the things they think you should.
I just really don't know how to stop myself from masking and allowing the people in my life to truly see the effect that my C-PTSD has on me, on a daily basis and when it is bad. Ultimately I know that this is what I need to do, but knowing it and actually being able to do it, are not the same.
I need to keep reminding myself that these things are going to take time.
Master of my sea,
I am so glad to hear that your anxiety levels have been getting down and that you have found your PAs a little less strong. It makes me feel very happy for you and also helps me to believe that recovery is possible, at least to some extent. I fully believe that you can make it down to a consistent 4 on your scale - you are so strong and you are working so hard to heal and process everything that happened in your past. It's not always easy to keep up the faith but seeing how brave you are and how courageously you tackle all that life throws at you, inspires me to keep going and not give up.
I wished I could give you any advice about the masking but I'm afraid I come up empty handed. I understand how debilitating and exhausting it is to have to hide your true feelings all the time, but just like you I have always been mistreated whenever I tried to let other people see what I was struggling with.
At least, I have so far. Being on this forum and talking to people who understand what it's like to live with all this terrible emotional baggage, feels very soothing and I think that it is helping me to slowly and gradually trust other people more. It's a difficult journey with a lot of setbacks that leave me reeling sometimes, but I hope that this connection will help. when writing on here I can be my authentic self and I hope that this will help me learn how to hide myself less and expand my authenticity a little bit further into the outside world.
I'm not sure whether I will every feel fully safe and comfortable when being around other people, but I do hope that it is possible and I wish very much that you will be able to find a way to achieve this. You deserve to be true to yourself and to be seen the way you are, so don't stop believing in yourself.
I can only imagine how hard this must be when you are missing so many answers but I'm confident that you can make it and I feel like your sinking anxiety levels are proof that you are making steps in the right direction.
Take care
Master of my Sea,
I hear some very positive things in your post. Healing is something that can feel heavy and painful while it's happening, but regardless of the discomfort, healing is still healing.
I homed in on two things:
First, How the shivers and shakes turn to ice water on your back when you stifle them. I have often described that feeling as if my body and environment can be so warm that I'm sweating from the heat, but my heart feels like someone has put it into the freezer and I'm shivering cold while sweating from the heat. That has been explained to me by my therapist as a good sign that my body is working through the trauma. Shivering and a cold heart or back, are signs that the body is prioritizing and sending adrenaline to protect us. It's our fight/flight response in its highest volume setting. How our bodies respond to trauma is meant to protect and save us. The trauma was what was done to hurt us, the shivering is our body working to protect us from that trauma. It's a trauma response. Not the trauma itself. The shivering, as bad as it feels, is actually a sign that the body and brain are acknowledging the trauma, the way a fire crew answers an alarm. Since the trauma is years past, the fire department may be answering a false alarm, but they don't know that. They're doing their job...answering an alarm.
The second thing that struck me was your concerns about how much you mask and how you wish you could stop doing it. But, remember, healing needs to take its time. If we heal too quickly, we'll re-traumatize ourselves. I had 6 Cognitive Behavioral Therapists (CBTs) before I finally found a good Dialectical Behavioral Therapist (DBT). All 6 of the CBTs rushed me through the healing process, leaving me feeling great...for about a year. But each time my trauma finally resurfaced it was even worse, because I had proof that "even therapy couldn't help me." My current DBT therapist takes things very slowly and my healing is happening slowly, but more effectively. I'm a thousand times better today than I was 10 years ago. I measure my success in years, not in days. Every year I can see that I'm a bit more in control of my life now than I was on this day last year.
You said you wish you could stop masking but look at your posts. A few weeks ago, you joined this forum, and each week I can see that you are becoming more open, less masking, more courageous with what you say to us. What I'm saying is, You ARE chipping away at your masking right now. I learned how to drive by maneuvering orange cones in a parking lot before my teacher put me on the real road. By the time I was ready for the road, I knew how it felt to control the car. I think that's what you are doing now, you're becoming more and more able to disclose your true self in a safe environment of this forum. I see noticable progress in you from when you first joined.
I personally think you're doing great. I hope you keep pushing forward. As you peel away the onion layers, or open up the Russian Dolls, you can't open the deeper ones until after you've opened AND acclimated to the outer ones. I suppose that a good lesson for all of us here on this forum is that it's best to focus on the layer we're at now, and deal with the future layers when we get to them.
Keep up the good work. Another thing my DBT says is that as I heal, my healing spreads to others. The fact that you are sharing your healing journey with us, is helping you AND it's helping us. We all learn as we teach and teach as we learn. I'm inspired by yours and several others on this forum.
So, thank you for working through this with us. Your success pulls on our success.
M&H, Papa Coco - Thank you both. Your kindness means a lot. I feel neither brave nor inspirational right now but your words are a great support and comfort to me. I wish I could say more to each of you but I am struggling today.
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I feel like I taken a huge step back today. I have steadily been feeling better and my symptoms have improved each day yet, yesterday, out of nowhere I was hit with a couple of FBs. I'd had a really bad night, so maybe tiredness played a role?
I had one FB in the morning and I have no idea what triggered it. But for a while, I kept getting these flashes of images and smells and sensations. That alone was hard enough to deal with but then as well as that, I just kept seeing the other person involved. I don't know how to refer to him. It's always just HIM. Sometimes it was just his face, sometimes it was as if he was stood in front of me. Doesn't sound like much but, seeing his face........ :'(
Usually I just try and get through my FBs and move on. Anything to get rid of the images and feelings. Yesterday I tried to actually pay attention to what I was truly feeling. The emotions I always try and run from. It was really hard but I was able to focus myself enough to pay attention, even for a little bit.
I became aware of how small I felt, just so little and insignificant. I felt so sad and so scared. There was also a profound sense of loneliness.
These feelings persisted through the whole of the FB but when I started seeing HIM, there was a feeling of complete defeat and hopelessness. Like there was no escape, I was stuck, and this is how it was going to be. I could feel this right in the pit of my stomach and my whole body felt so heavy. And my fear....that transformed into terror. This is the first time I have acknowledged that feeling. He terrifies me, even now and I think after the event, he always did. I just hid from it. I was never threatened to stay quiet or anything at all like that. They didn't need to, but the terror was there all the same. The FB yesterday and seeing HIM so clearly just brought all that rushing back up.
I never felt that same terror about my H, he made me feel sick and ashamed and dirty, but I was never scared of him. Not in the same way. His abuses at home and within our relationship were not usually physical in any way. But the other one, he still scares me now and I haven't seen him in years. There was something else about him. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing. Loved, respected and so highly thought of yet underneath that mask, I knew there was monster. I had to continue to socialise with him and act as I normally would. Regularly made to hug him and stand and have conversations, staying and helping him clean up. Everything that I was doing before, now felt so wrong and disgusting and I wanted to be anywhere but there with him.
I feel so defeated that this has come up and knocked me back. I felt like I was doing so well. I was asked this morning if I had had a NM last night....I did. I don't know what I did in my sleep to make it apparent, I didn't ask, but I clearly did something for it to be obvious that I was having a NM. It was not a good night.
Now today I just feel so sad and that defeated and hopeless feeling is still with me. I have lost count already, how many times I have just burst into tears today. I keep looking at the clock to find that an hour has passed and I didn't even know. I've just been off in a different world.
There was more that happened yesterday but I have run out of steam. I'm going to go now and try and regroup a little bit. Just wish I didn't feel this way again today :'(
Oh my, Master of my Sea, this sounds like a dreadful experience and I understand that you are so upset. Flashbacks like these are incredibly difficult to handle and I am so, so sorry that you are feeling this kind of distress. Reading your words made me feel very sad about how the world (and especially these men) have treated you. You did not deserve this at any time and neither do you deserve this overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I can only imagine how terrible it must have been to see his face again and feel him standing in front of you.
However, I also want to say that you have shown most remarkable courage and strength when you decided to accept these feelings instead of hiding away from your emotions. Right now the pain that has come along with this FB may seem impossible to bear, but U know that you will find a way through it and I would like to suggest that you are actually making a huge step forwards in your healing journey rather than a step back.
I don't know if this makes any sense to you and I am quite obviously not an expert, but I feel like real healing can only take place when we accept our feelings and work through our memories. In his book "Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving", Pete Walker said this: "Learning to stay self-supportingly present to feelings fear and shame, abandonment and depression, is the deepest level of recovery. When we are able to do this, our recovering has reached a profound level."
So, just try to be gentle with yourself for now. I understand that what you are going through right now is very hard to bear but I believe that you can get through it and that there will be better times coming.
Please, reach out if you want anyone to talk to at any time, we're here for you and want to care for you when you sit with all your pain. I wished I could take all this burden from your shoulders and somehow make this situation better for you.
Gentle hugs if you want them
Sending along hugs. I know it feels like a step backward, but I don't see it that way. You are healing and processing. It's a terrible process but your mind needs to play it out to put it away. :grouphug:
I'm not sure if I'm following everything but you say you were never threatened to be quiet and maybe these are 2 different abuses and I haven't kept track but at least one of them you were threatened explicitly to keep quiet. And whether explicit or not...we do. It feels inexplicable but we do. You are not wrong or abnormal. This is how the brain and body copes with these abnormal events. :grouphug:
M&H - As always, thank you for your kind words and support. They mean so much. It's been a tough couple of days but hopefully things will start settling down soon.
I have the weekend to myself so am going to really try and get some 'me' time in and try and come back to myself a bit more.
Thank you for the hugs :)
Armee - I'll be honest, I am struggling with seeing it as a step forward at the moment, everything just feels so horrible. I know it is, but it doesn't feel like it, if that makes any sense.
I have honestly never looked at it as a threat before. I think because there was no direct threat, I have never viewed it like that. It wasn't 'stay quiet, or else', it was just 'Stay quiet'. I have never been able to get certain people, that know about this, to understand why I didn't say anything sooner. I just didn't. I was told to keep quiet, so I did.
Master of my Sea,
I agree with M&H and Armee that this step deeper into the details of your past trauma feels like a step backward, but it is actually a breakthrough.
Once again, back to three analogies I often fall back on, of peeling the onion, or opening Russian Dolls or picking the low hanging fruit. I wish it weren't so, but it seems that the way to releasing trauma is to look at it, feel it, focus on the fact that our adult selves today are now safe from that person or event, accept it, and release it.
Our brains are on our side. They're helping us release this. When it first happened, it was so huge that it blew our minds. So to "live through it again" in order to heal, our genius brains know that if we were to see the entire trauma again at once, we would be as shocked and terrified and traumatized again just as badly as we were the first time it happened.
So, as our brains hear us asking for healing, our brains honor us by releasing metered information and sensation back to us slllllooooooowwwwwwlllly, and carefully, and lovingly. As much as it hurts and frightens you to be dipping into this next layer of the onion, or next russian doll, or next level more difficult of the fruit,...basically into the deeper details of your traumatic events of the past, your brain is lovingly giving you just enough so that you can handle it, feel only a portion of the massive trauma that happened oh so long ago, and carefully, lovingly, live through it for a few days or a week or so until you are able to breathe easily again and sort of "accept" that it happened.
That quote the M&H gave you from Walker's book is so well said. The best thing you can do for yourself is try to focus on staying present as your adult self in 2022 until this past life EF works itself out. If we choose to push the EF back into its hiding spot, it will just have to come back out another day. I'm a very strong proponent of prayer. I don't necessarily know who is listening to our prayers. It may be some all-seeing god, or some angels, or it could be our own highest consciousness of our self. To me it doesn't matter, because just by praying for the strength to get through this one EF at this time always gives me the strength to get through this one step.
So much of what you and I and M&H and Armee, and all our friends on this forum are going through is like a recovering alcoholic trying to just get through one day at a time. In our case, it's also getting through one EF at a time. I often find myself thanking my brain for giving me a deeper glimpse into my trauma and I ask my brain to help me accept it before giving me any more than I can handle today.
Sometimes I liken these EFs as a chance to do the 5 stages of grief. denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I have found that I go through all 5 stages for each EF. Like eating a Thanksgiving feast, we don't eat the whole meal in one bite. We eat it one forkful at a time. Each forkful gets to go through all 5 stages of grief.
If we measure our healing yearly rather than daily, we can see that each EF that we processed, all added together, make a noticeable difference on a yearly basis. I'm far healthier today than I was last year on this day.
I've been doing these EF processing for almost 40 years. Two nights ago I had another brand new one that hit me like a ton of bricks. I was watching a commedian on TV on a stage. Suddenly I could see and feel and smell the stage that I was on for my 2nd grade Christmas show at Catholic school. I could smell that odd smell of the wood and wax on the floor of the stage. I could see my feet walking toward the "stage left" exit of the stage. I was a marching toy soldier, who'de been put at the front of a line of toy soldiers because I was the tallest. Somehow I missed a cue and led the other soldiers the wrong way. At first I ask, Where did THAT come from? Then, of course, I figured, well, it's Holiday season again, and my time of year to have these EFs. But how strange. I could SMELL the floor and hear the clomping of the hard soled shoes of all us toy soldiers. It wasn't a big deal, until I went to bed and started thinking about it. That's when I remembered being gently guided by my shoulders by an adult man who was saying, you can stay late after practice tonight because we're going to do something a little different. Which, of course, leads to the massive EF that started all of this in 1979 when I first remembered being abused in the church basement in 2nd grade. My point is that the EFs are still coming, but now, after working through them, I'm getting better at not panicking. Believe you me, 20 years ago when I finally got a good Trauma therapist, the EFs were so terrifying that I'd often spend two weeks in bed, unable to determine what year it was now, and who my wife was, and what city I was in.
It gets better. For me, the way it works now, is I finally, FINALLY understand that my brain isn't torturing me, it's helping me very slowly work through each detail one by one in bites that, as much as they hurt, I am able to handle them.
For now, I send you my own loving support as a fellow traveler through the past. I'm not out of the woods either, but I'm becoming better and better at handling its rugged path. I can't help but feel connection and empathy with each soul on this forum. We are the trauma survivors who have decided to stop pushing the trauma back into its hiding place. We're the brave souls who have sought help and support so we can finally begin to release our trauma responses, and so here we are, together on path to healing.
Be kind to yourself. Thank your brain for believing in your ability to handle the bite of information she released to you in these flashbacks, pray for the strength to stand as your adult self, and reassure your child self that she's safe from that man now. If we trust our brains' abilities to know how to meter information at the right pace, these flashbacks are one-way stepping stones that move us forward out of the trauma and...Out of the Storm.
I'm pulling for you. We're in this together.
Papa Coco - As always, I smiled when I saw your post. You always say things so well and always give me a new perspective or something to think about. Your kindness and support mean a lot to me :)
The fact that I actually need to allow myself to feel all of this and pay attention to it all is finally, really start to sink in. It's something I have known, I have been told but as the saying goes, You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I feel like this applies here. I needed to be ready to feel, ready to give it that attention. Knowing I need to and actually being able to, are very different things. I have tried to push it away at times, when I have been feeling so overwhelmed but that seems to have just made it worse. I have just tried to deal with each moment as it comes.
My little boy has been my port through this storm. He has snapped me back to reality on more than one occasion and he has also stopped PAs and helped me ground. Just by being there, by being him and him needing his Mum. I have also been writing...lots. Up until now I have written very little of this event down. Having it in black and white seemed to make it just too real. When it's just in my head I can (or could) shut it out and even in therapy there were times where I was just so detached from it, like I am telling someone else's story. But writing it down was almost impossible or would just trigger me too much. But coming on here and making that first post, well it made a huge difference. I wrote it down and nothing happened. Nothing except I felt the weight of it shift, just a little. It sat a little better. So I wrote some more, on here and in my personal journal. Today I have been writing in my Thoughts Dump, so far I have written almost 2 pages. I've had to stop for now as I was starting to zone out and lose myself a bit. I was starting to shiver and my foot was shaking away but I'm impressed with how much I have written today. Then when I combine it all, it's quite a lot. The more I write, the more that weight seems to shift. It doesn't feel any lighter yet, but I feel like I have a slightly better grip on it.
Papa Coco, that's awful. I'm so sorry that happened to you. I don't think I will ever truly be able to comprehend all the evil in this world and why children ever need to be part of it. The damage people cause just to satiate their own wants is despicable.
The thought that I will learn how to manage these, that they will not always control my life in such a way, is a comfort. I do not see a light at the end of the tunnel but I can feel that there is one there. It's just way off in the distance. Being here on the forum, talking with people like yourself, it gives me hope that day by day, I can close that distance.
Instead of running away, I feel like I am slowly turning to face everything. It's scary to think about how much I have to pick through and untangle but I'm trying to remind myself that, these things HAPPENED, they are not HAPPENING. That's it's safe to feel what I wasn't able/allowed to at the time.
You're right. We are in this together. I don't think I have ever felt this sense of community and understanding. Not that was real, or genuine. The members of this forum have been a light on a very dark night for me and I will forever be grateful to everyone.
Oh hon. They didn't need to explicitly threaten you. They told you to be quiet. They are soldiers. They are strong. They have guns. No explicit threat needed. And the confusion kept you quiet for longer. Not being able to trust what happened because you were drugged. I'm sorry your friends don't get it.
I know it doesn't feel like forward progress. it's just going backwards needs to happen to rebuild. Just going forward doesn't work, sadly. Wish it did.
I'm so glad to hear that you are able to process things a little bit more easily these days. Journaling can be really difficult because it forces us to accept and reflect on everything that has been going on but I have found it very helpful, if not to say "therapeutic" in the past and I hope that it can bring you a little bit of clarity and healing.
I think what you're doing is really brave and you can be very proud of yourself. There are a lot of things still to untangle but how you are dealing with your EFs and traumatic memories is very courageous and inspiring.
I really hope you can get closer to that light at the end of the tunnel. You deserve it.
Armee - I honestly can't believe how long it's taken me to see that for what it really was. I almost feel silly because I didn't look at it that way. So thank you for that, you have helped me see it for what it was and that has helped me to start looking at my behaviour afterwards a little differently. It's incredible how one detail can change the whole picture.
M&H - It is only in the last couple of months that I have actually been able to keep a journal. I have tried many times but I have always struggled to write one. Some of it is old fear, I wouldn't have dreamed of keeping any sort of journal or diary, growing up. If I had, you can guarantee one of my siblings would have found it and taken great delight in reading it and tormenting me with it. Then I just found it hard to start writing on a blank page. It just so happened that I found a C-PTSD journal on amazon that had charts and symptom trackers and a structure. I have used it every day since and I have recently just started my second one. Now I have actually started writing I just can't seem to stop. It is therapeutic for me, when I am writing or typing, I imagine the memory or whatever it is I am writing about, is flowing out of my head, down my arm and onto the page or screen. This flow often has a colour too. But it helps me feel like I have got it out and contained it. I can then come back and readdress it at any point. Closing my journal or turning off my laptop is very symbolic to me, like I am closing the door on it for that day or that moment. It helps me feel calmer and more in control, I suppose I now feel like I have an outlet whereas before, I never really did.
It helps me unjumble my thoughts too. There are times where I just write, without thinking and then when I can bring myself to read over it, it's all over the place. I go off on different tangents and bounce back and forth between subjects/events. I am then able to start to rewrite it and put it in order. This helps me see things clearer. The jumbled mess is the first draft, the organised timeline is the completed project. It seems to be helping me process things a bit slower because I have to organise what I have written and I do it in stages.
I feel like none of this makes sense and I have done what I have just described. But then again maybe not. If it doesn't, I'm sorry :doh:
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I feel restless tonight. Almost agitated. I don't know what to do with myself. I have quite literally spent the past 4 hours bouncing between ideas and when I'm not doing that, I'm off in lala land. Just completely zoned out. I am watching a program and the amount of it I have missed because I wandered off into nothing in my head. This is why I tend to just rewatch stuff and can struggle to start new programs or watch films that I haven't seen before, I struggle to stay in the room and I end up missing a lot. When I do watch something new it can take me watching a couple of times to get all the information. Not always, but often enough. What I have on at the moment, I have watched so many times I have lost count but it's comfortable for me.
I have written in my journal, I have spoken to my Mum, I even came on the forum but I still feel restless. I got out my sketchbook and pencils as I thought I might draw. I've got an idea in my head that I have wanted to start on for a while, I just can't get the motivation to start it. So I decided to come back here and just start typing. See what comes out, might surprise myself. You never know. Or it could just be a bunch of ramblings
I'm struggling with even doing this. My concentration is almost zero right now. It's odd, I don't feel anything. I'm not sad, or happy or anything. I just...am, this evening. That doesn't even make sense. I don't really know how else to explain it. I'm here but I'm not fully here. A part of me off, exploring.
I keep thinking of different events throughout my life. Well, my childhood. I don't know why I'm thinking of these things but I'm seeing them from a very detached place. I know how these things made and still make me feel, yet, I don't seem to be feeling any of that. Just seeing these snapshots of crappy moments. But if I try and focus on one, whoosh, off it goes and the next snapshot comes on.
I have been thinking a lot about when my C-PTSD actually developed. I was diagnosed by the things that have occurred in my adult life, my childhood never really came into it, at the time. Then when I was with my last T, he was the one who started to highlight the fact that my childhood was traumatic. It wasn't just 'a bit rough' or 'not that bad'. There were times when it was really bad and some pretty crappy things happened and people treated me pretty poorly. This was not only within my FOO but my social circle too. So that leads me to think it developed in childhood. Maybe this is why I'm thinking of those things. I'm thinking about when this developed so it would make sense that I am remembering things from my childhood :doh:
But why do I feel so detached? I don't understand. I'll be honest, a part of me is grateful for that detachment otherwise I think I might be overwhelmed by it all.
I do wish I could actually focus on something though. At the moment I feel like I'm just waiting for bedtime.
My son isn't here this weekend, so I have a lot of time to myself. I feel this could be playing a role in my restlessness and agitation. He has been such a comfort whilst I was navigating Remembrance weekend and all that it brought up. He was grounding and demanding and as always kept me on my toes. So not having him here with me feels a bit odd. It's been hard working dealing with an EF and FBs and a small person, but he is the perfect distraction. Maybe I'm slightly worried about how well I can ground and keep myself together, without him here pushing me in the right direction. (My boy will never truly understand all that he does for me just by being there <3)
I don't know. All I do know is I have ants in my pants and bees in my brain tonight. Makes for an interesting combination.
Master of my Sea, I am really sorry to hear how restless you have been feeling. I wished I had any advice or explanation to give you, but I'm afraid I come empty handed. All I can say is that I know this feeling all too well.
For me, it often comes after an especially intense emotional flashback. It's as if all the pain and anguish I have been feeling the past few days whilst I have been stuck in this EF quite suddenly fades away and is replaced by a strange "emptiness" (for lack of a better word). In a way, it feels good to not have to endure all this sadness and fear, anymore, but it is also a very strange sensation that I don't quite know how to handle.
Sometimes I think that it is a kind of dissociation that protects me from my trauma for some time because it knows that I have been enduring too much the days before. It's as if my brain was trying to force me to take a rest and gather my strength after this long and terrifying flashback. But you're right, this weird detached sensation can at times feel even more confusing and agitating than the previous EF before I simply can't understand where this feeling is coming from or why it is happening.
So, I'm afraid I really can't give you any support in this situation other than saying that you are not alone with this. I have experienced this kind of empty restlessness myself several times before, so I can promise that you will get through this eventually, but I wished I could explain why this happens or what you can do to about it.
Maybe some of the others here have a little bit more experience with this and can give you some more tangible support, I just wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you and hope that you will soon be able to feel a little more like yourself.
Take care and be gentle with yourself as you deal with this restlessness and try to uncover some of your childhood memories.
You are so strong and I fully believe that you can keep yourself together even when your son isn't there, but feel free to reach out any time if you want someone to help keep you grounded
Hey Master of my Seas
My heart is with your heart right now. The dissociation you're feeling is something I've spent many, many, many hours being tossed around in. In your last post you said "But why do I feel so detached? I don't understand. I'll be honest, a part of me is grateful for that detachment otherwise I think I might be overwhelmed by it all."
Congratulations! You've hit the nail on the head. This is exactly why you're dissociating. What I, myself, have learned to do is to stop, accept the dissociation and thank it profusely for protecting me from whatever I'm too afraid to look at. The dissociation is one of your Protectors. Your protectors LOVE you. They are here today, just like they were 30 years ago, doing the only thing they know how to do to help you not be totally overwhelmed. You said it best in an earlier post, when you referred to how your core self knows these things HAPPENED, but certain parts of your brain think they are HAPPENING. By loving and thanking this protector--who thinks these things are still happening--for protecting you, it can sometimes relax the protector and allow you to come back into the room with the world.
For me, these dissociations come when information is getting close. You don't want to throw the protector out, because then...well...no protection. But building a trust bond with the dissociation, thanking it for softening the blow, and maybe even talking with it (which is what I do), to say, "I really do want to know what is hiding in my memory, but thanks to you, I'm not going to be washed by a firehose. I'm ready to just see a little bit of it trickle out for now." Sometimes my protector doesn't leave completely but retreats just enough to help me see just a little bit. I don't strive for perfection; I strive for progress. A little at a time. Being better than yesterday is my goal.
I'm impressed by your courage, and your commitment to working through this. So far, I've not seen an easy path to healing. So far, that path proves to be rocky and muddy, but it's the path and we're taking it! And for those of us who talk about it in safe places such as this forum, we are taking that path with friends. So much better than trying it alone.
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Before I log off: I want to address the eloquence of what you wrote in an earlier post about how you feel colors and energy while you write, and how you can feel the energy move through your arms as you close your journal. That is mind-blowing for me to read. Fantastic. I've written three full length fiction novels about a boy who lived through what I lived through and I can't remember ever being THAT physically attached to my writing. You are really on to something. I get chills when I picture that energy flowing through you. To me that just shows how deeply connected you are physically and emotionally to all of this. (I'm going to bold this next sentence because it is so important to me). In the big picture, being connected physically, emotionally and spiritually all together is the absolute, ultimate goal of everything we do to heal. I'm impressed and motivated to see if I can one day become that connected to my own writing.
Oh Master of My Seas....yeah just from the tiny bit you shared over in my journal about your childhood. Yes. This CPTSD started then. It tends to set us up for more trauma and more severe reactions from it. I also forgot to address it over in my journal too what you said about being treated like you had it better because ypu grew up without the trauma of his presence....that's something I get told too. There's a tiny amount of truth to it but just a tiny. We were in the womb absorbing the stress reactions and being shaped by it, and we grew up surrounded by the trauma and dysfunction that his presence and then absence caused.
And the disconnection and dissociation yes is very common. That doesn't mean you have a dissociative disorder...the terminology gets very confusing its just that dissociating - disconnecting - is a coping mechanism your mind uses. For me dissociation was and is my worst symptom. I have had to work at it very hard in therapy for years now to even have some semblance of control over it and if that's something you end up needing more information on later I can share what's helped me.
:hug:
You're doing great. I'm so glad you have your son to keep you grounded most of the time. That helps me immensely too.
M&H - You said to me So, I'm afraid I really can't give you any support in this situation other than saying that you are not alone with this. You have given me plenty of support, just by taking the time to post a response. You are so kind and understanding that I find your posts a comfort. So thank you for taking the time :)
Papa Coco - I realised a little while after I made that post that a Protector had jumped into action. I think writing it down helped me to actually make the connection. I did try and talk to them but it was like there was a wall I needed to get past first. I just wasn't getting anywhere. I ended up feeling really frustrated so, I left it alone. Yet yesterday I felt very much the same way, still restless and agitated and just zoned out. I decided to give it another go, and boy did I get a ride! It was about an hour after posting on Armee's journal that I managed to get through and get my Protector to stand back. I was ready with pen and paper and I just let the information flow. It took a couple of hours and a very sore hand at the end of it but I managed to attack some 'memories' I say 'memories' loosely as these are things I have been told about. I was too young to have any memory but the impact that the knowledge of these events has had is very real. My Protector jumped back in, in the end and I lost grasp of it again but I managed to get a lot before that happened. I think I may share it here.
I like what you said about the path to healing, So far, that path proves to be rocky and muddy, but it's the path and we're taking it! It was messy getting to where we are, it's going to be a little muddy and messy getting out it as well.
I have never told anyone before about the way I feel and what I see when I write. It would have just sounded crazy to the people in my life, but it felt safe to share it here. It's something that I first noticed in secondary school, whenever I was writing something I cared about, it had a colour, and I could feel it flow. The colour normally matches up to the tone or emotion of what I am writing. It can change multiple times, especially when I am journalling, here or in my personal journals. For example, what I wrote last night was a dark blue and the flow was quite rapid. I think it's quite cool if I'm honest :)
Armee - Your journal and that post helped me access that in a way I have never done before. I was able to talk to my dear Protector and get them to step back and let me see and feel and it was good to get it out. So thank you, you helped me to access this and now it's not stuck in my head I'm hoping to really start processing it.
You're right, there is some truth to it, but we still had to deal with it, just not as directly for the long term. The only person that has ever spoken to me about what my Dad did to my Mum that night is my Mum. None of my siblings ever mention it, they just focus on the fact that we didn't live with him and had the most minimal contact in the end. As I said to Papa Coco, I think I am going to share what I have written here.
I've always zoned out and lost my place and concentration, but I have always blamed it on being tired or just 'lost in thought'. It's only more recently that I have started to realise that I am actually dissociating. I still don't always recognise it, like in my post. But I do it a lot. Sometimes I'm grateful for it and other times, it drives me up the wall because I just become incapable of doing anything.
Thank you I really appreciate that and I'll keep it mind. :hug:
He's hard work but he is the one thing in my life that is constant and gives me a reason to keep going and keep fighting through this. He's been through a lot and his start in life was not what I wanted, and I hope I can undo any damage that may have been done before it takes hold. I am determined for him to have a good and happy life.
Do you know there's a word for that? Synesthesia. Senses get crossed and people who have synesthesia see colors or feel sounds for instance. It's always seemed like a cool super power to me. I don't have it but my niece does.
Yeah, I have heard of that. I've read about it before, there is a guy in the UK who tastes something different at each station on the Underground. Never made the connection with myself though. Always just looked at it as a random 'me' thing. I have never spoken to anyone else that has experienced it either. Thanks Armee :) You know so much stuff, it's awesome ;D
Just a heads up, this is probably going to be quite a long post. I am posting here, something that came to me last night after a couple days of dissociation. This may be triggering for some. I have put a TW.
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TW - DV, Physical Violence, Choking, Threat to life
My three oldest siblings have always reminded us younger ones that we didn't have to live with our abusive Dad, therefore our lives were easier. I understand that what they experienced as young children was horrible and traumatic for them, but they forget what we experienced at the hands of our brother. What I had to grow up with from all of them. I think there is another story there with one of my sisters and my Dad but I don't know for sure. But life was hard and dysfunctional and a mess by the time I was born. My Mum did her very best and she always provided but she had her own demons and five other kids. Three of which were far more demanding than the rest and two of those were absolute horror shows. By the time I needed her the most, she was exhausted and being constantly abused by my nasty and manipulative sister and my violent brother. She also drank quite a bit when I was younger.
I believe she was drunk when I was told that when she was pregnant with me, my Dad tried choking her to * on the kitchen floor of our old house... I can't remember how we got to that place in our conversation. I know we were talking about Dad and I was asking questions. She always tried to be honest and upfront about her relationship with him. Good and bad. I don't remember anything else about our conversation, nothing except that information and where we were sat in our house at the time.
I was really young, still in primary school. Maybe 9 or 10, I'm not entirely sure. I honestly believe had she not had a little too much to drink, she wouldn't have told me then and she couldn't have possibly realised the turmoil it would cause me throughout my life. She only ever tried to show us and let us know she loved us. She tried so hard to keep us together and strong. I know she never meant any harm. I still found out from the best person. I honestly believe had Mum not told me, I would have found out in a nasty and spiteful way from one of my siblings. Probably from my manipulative sister and/or violent brother. So it wasn't great, I was only little and Mum had been drinking but at least it came from a place of love. She made it clear it was nothing to do with me and I believed her then and I still do now. It was ALL him. But that never stopped me from feeling deeply hurt. Before I even entered this world, I was irrelevant and unimportant to someone who was supposed to love and protect me. In his anger, he sat on my Mums tummy, so in a way, me and he choked her. To the point where she thought, This is it. This is where I *. The kids are asleep in bed. What's going to happen to them?
She told me how her vision went black and she was seeing stars. Then he stopped. She doesn't know why, to this day, she never found out why. He just stopped, got up and walked away. She just laid on the floor for a while. I don't know how far along she was with me, I may have known once but I have no memory of asking or of being told. Thinking about it, I also don't know if she ever went and got us both checked over. Probably not but not because she didn't care. Most victims of DV don't seek medical attention unless they absolutely have to. He would have known she's gone to the Dr's, she would have also probably had to take my brother with her too. That complicates things as well.
I believe this event, or my knowledge of this event has played a large role in my sense that I don't belong. That I shouldn't be here, I'm not loved and not wanted. My own father, had zero regard for my life and I wasn't even born yet. I hadn't even had a chance to do anything wrong, not even taken a breath! All he had was his anger at my poor Mum, for whatever slight he seemed to think she had done. He was a nasty man. I didn't matter to him. Not in that moment.
There are pictures of the two of us and he is all smiles and seems so happy. I find them hard to look at these days. The older I get, the harder it has become. I think because it has been there, chipping away for so long. The hurt hasn't improved, it's only gotten worse.
How can he hold me as a baby and smile, knowing that, because of him and his actions, I might not have been there. That those pictures wouldn't have been possible because he wanted to hurt my Mum and I was very much a part of her at time. It confuses me, it makes me angry and it makes me sad. Did I not matter to him? Did I not exist in his eyes at the moment? But it also shows me his evil. He very nearly took two lives that night. From what I know of him, it was most likely self-preservation that made him stop. Nothing else. Saving his own hide.
So no, I didn't have to live with him but I do have to forever live with the knowledge that in trying to kill my Mum, he also tried to kill me. That really messes with a person. Especially a child who couldn't possibly understand why. I'm almost 30 years old and I still don't understand it!
It has really messed with my sense of self and belonging. It has left me with a perpetual feeling of being unloved and unwanted, even when I know that isn't true. Doesn't stop the feeling though. Couple that with growing up being told by my siblings that I was adopted, I have always felt like an outsider, even within my own family. I know for some, that is a playful joke between siblings but for me, it just compounded what I was already feeling. I have never told anyone how all this really made me feel. I would have just been told not to be silly, they were only joking, stop making a fuss or big deal about it. Probably still would say all of that. I can just imagine if I said how knowing what Dad did to Mum has had a huge and horrible impact on me.
How could I possibly be do deeply affected by something, that had I not been told, would have never known about? Don't be silly or you're exaggerating. All of that fun stuff. I would just be invalidated which in turn would make those feelings worse. So I have never told a soul (until now) how that has impacted me and my life. I do not remember this man, but he left a wound on my soul that is yet to heal.
There is another thing that I did witness and go through due to him. Again, I do not remember it but I have been told about it. It makes my blood boil, makes me sad and fills me with guilt. This must have had some effect on my developing brain.
I wasn't even two years old and I witnessed my Dad beat my Mum. They were separated by this time. I think their divorce may have even been finalised, I'm not sure on that point.
She had some friends over, she was doing something for one of them and my Dad turned up. I think they argued which then turned violent. I don't remember if her friends were still there or if they had left but my Dad beat my Mum up, pretty badly. All the while I was sat in my highchair, watching this all unfold in front of me. it kills me whenever I hear this story (which thankfully isn't often) my poor Mum, she didn't deserve how he treated her. She had left him but at that point had still not escaped him. But I also feel for me, for that little baby that must have been so scared and confused. It makes me angry that my Mum had to deal with this man for as long as she did, that she had to suffer so much. It makes me angry that once again, due to his lack of self-control and his evil, he harmed my Mum and me. I may not have been in her belly this time but he hurt her in front of me. He once again had no regard for his child and the harm he was causing. There is no way seeing that didn't have an impact on my developing brain.
Then there is the guilt I deal with. I was told that afterwards, when Mum was scrubbing the carpet, trying to clean up, I was still in my highchair. Apparently it was at this moment I decided to say, 'Daddy'. My Mums automatic response was '* Daddy!' I know I was just a baby and it's actually, probably quite logical that I said that considering what I saw, but I always feel so guilty about it. That would have been the last she wanted to hear. He had hurt her pretty badly and there she was, cleaning up the aftermath and I'm sat there saying, 'Daddy'. Makes me feel horrible. I have actually said sorry for this. My Mum told me I was a doughnut. She said thank you but told me I had nothing to apologise for, I was just a baby. But I have always held onto that guilt. My poor Mum.
So, let's take it right back to the beginning. My oldest siblings who spent time living with this man and had to deal with him have always said we younger ones were lucky as we didn't have to. We had it easier. Well, we didn't. In some respects, yes, life would have been totally different had he been a part of it. But it wasn't easier for us. It certainly wasn't for me. I was traumatised by him, it just came at different point and in a different format. I also had to deal with the ripples he left behind. Then there was my violent brother, who unfortunately, was just like him for a very long time. I bear the scars of his abuse. I didn't live with Dad but he did his damage to me in other ways.
This was made clear when he moved in two doors away! I remember the gut-wrenching fear. What was going to happen? Was Mum safe? Was he going to hurt her?
I vividly remember not wanting to go to school and leave her at home alone on her day off. The first day like that, when he first moved in, I was at the bus stop waiting for the bus to school and a police car came racing past, blues and twos going. My stomach dropped as it went down the road I had just walked up, I willed them not to turn right and when they did, I felt sick. That was the way home! My panicked brain immediately thought Mum was in danger or hurt and we needed to go home. Had to go home! I remember turning and looking at my brother and just saying 'Mum'. He looked at me like I had two heads! I said, 'Dad' and then the penny dropped. He just laughed it off, said she was fine and I was being stupid. Then the bus came and he made me get on first. I was a mess all day worrying about my Mum. I couldn't focus and I was really quiet. When home time came, I couldn't get back fast enough. I hugged my Mum so tight and burst into tears when I saw her. She asked what was wrong, I told her and she laughed (not maliciously at all) and told me not to be silly, nothing was going to happen. She was right but I do feel like my feelings, my genuine and real concerns were never addressed. Just brushed off. He had already shown that separation didn't bother him or stop him doing harm to Mum. Now he had found us, what was stopping him? But I just needed to stop being silly. My Mum had the best of intentions but ultimately my fears were invalidated. Unfortunately this was often the case.
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I lost all concentration here and just disappeared off for a while. I think my Protector jumped back in, I was starting to feel overwhelmed. A lot had come up, I felt exhausted and my hand was so sore from writing so much. I spent some time grounding myself and trying to loosen my shoulders and neck. Sleep took a while to come to me last night and it was very broken but I feel less disconnected and zoned out today.
I managed to go out and even baked a cake ;D That would not have been possible yesterday or the day before.
Now that I have written this down, I hope to be able to focus on it better and start to process those feelings and work through them. I don't know what that looks like but at least it's not trapped in my head anymore.
I haven't read this back over, so I hope it makes sense and I haven't made too many typos ;D
It all made sense, what you wrote. The actual things that happened, no those don't make sense at all and there's no sense to be made of them, really. There are violent men out there who do not even have regard for their own childrens' lives. It makes no sense but it happens.
That was a lot to live through. And I can only imagine what little toddler you was trying to express when you said "daddy" all those confused and scared feelings you would have had but the only word you were old enough to say was daddy. That breaks my heart but what breaks it more is reading that you have felt guilt for stating that word. There was nothing else you could have said. I'm sorry. I want to give you a big hug. I also I know I have lots of distortions of my own and we with cPTSD take outsized responsibility for the harms others have done. But when you write that in a way you choked your mom too, since your dad sat on her tummy? Um. No, you can't carry that guilt. You did nothing but exist as a fetus there. I know you know that but also you wrote that so somewhere in you that belief is carried and it isn't yours to carry. You can carry the hurt and anger but not the guilt. ("In a way me and he choked her"). I'm sorry your father was violent, cruel, and selfish. Mine too. It's tough to wrap your head around being half of that person, I know.
And boy do I relate to how you felt getting on that bus and being terrified all day. That s how I felt too when I'd have to go to school. I was so scared all day that either I'd come home and find my mom dead (suicide) or I'd get called into the office to get the news. It's a terrible feeling. I don't know about you but I could never concentrate in school. I could only sleep. I was also awake much of the night listening.
You're doing good, connecting with your story, and telling it when you can. I find it interesting to notice where the dissociation pulls me away...what I am getting to. You were starting to write..."my fears were invalidated. Unfortunately this was often the case"
Master of my Sea,
I am so incredibly sorry about all the terrible incidents you have described. I cannot even begin to imagine how painful this must have been for you (and still be today).
To me, it certainly sounds that you suffered just as much or maybe even more from the hands of your father. He may not always have been near you and the abuse might have been a little more indirect, but even though your wounds are of a different kind, they definitely are very real. All the violence and fear you have had to deal with in your childhood must have caused unbearable trauma but to me your father's awful neglect seems to weigh even more. You said:" Before I even entered this world, I was irrelevant and unimportant to someone who was supposed to love and protect me" and it just breaks my heart to hear this. To be completely neglected and disregarded in this way is terribly painful and I am feeling for you.
I know that my own story of neglect does not compare to yours, but I too have been abandoned by the vast majority of my family members who never wanted anything to do with me (and didn't mind making this clear to me). There has not been any actual violence involved and I am fortunate that there have never been any real physical threats to my (or my mum's life), but I can understand how this kind of neglect and abandonment can truly crush your soul.
And when we are that young and our survival depends on our parents' care, this is even harder to bear. Children at that age cannot make sense of events like that and they cannot afford to believe that their parents are failing them, so they invariably start to take on all the guilt and blame themselves for what happened. I am really, really sorry that this has been your experience and that you are suffering from guilty feelings because of all the things that happened to you, but the guilt certainly is not yours to own. In my opinion it is just a kind of protection that young children use when they are being abused but need to hold on to the belief that their parents are inherently good people who will take care of them and feed them.
I wished I could make all of this easier for you, processing all these memories must have been very, very hard but I hope that it will also bring you a tiny bit of relief and clarity.
You are so strong and the way you deal with this is truly inspiring.
Take care of yourself
Master of my Sea,
Thank you for sharing yourself with us with such real feeling. You not only wrote out the events of abuse, but you eloquently shared how these events felt to you, and how you processed them as they were happening and how you feel today. I'm so sorry it happened to you, but also so proud of, and impressed by you for not giving in and just becoming "the next generation bully". The guilt is something I, and many of us here, know too well. I often think that as children we are as old as we've ever been, so we take on the responsibility of the world around us as if we are full grown adults. But we're not. We're children who deserve to be cared for and protected by our parents and older siblings. I'm so sorry that your siblings took a different path than you did and chose to further the abuse. For the most part, those of us who joined this forum, are the victims who internalized what we went through, while our siblings, or other victims, decided to go the other way, associate with the abuser, and become the next generation abuser. We often suffer at the hands of our own internalized shame and decimated self-esteem, but it took great strength for you to do that, rather than give in and become the next-gen bully.
You have so much to process. What you've written here truly captures the intensity of your experience in that family. I hear you saying that on a cognitive level you have a pretty good handle on where the blame really rests, and you seem to have a strong handle on the roles your dad, mum, and siblings had, beginning from before you were even born.
But cognitive knowledge of actual facts don't always match up to how we have internalized it all. Our hearts see life differently than do our heads. Your beautiful heart is hurting, even though your intelligent head can see the truth about how this was not you...this was their flaws.
When you wrote about how your siblings fueled the flame by repeatedly telling you that you were adopted and didn't really belong, you then wrote, "I have never told anyone how all this really made me feel. I would have just been told not to be silly, they were only joking, stop making a fuss or big deal about it." That's where the fracturing really gets its grip on you. That's the gaslighting that really tears the fabric and leaves you feeling alone and unable to ask for help. Being able to tell us this and have us believe you...well that's where I feel like you've taken an important step forward a bit. We DO believe you. You were NOT being silly. They were NOT only joking. This WAS a big deal. The pain they put onto you WAS that bad. Worse. Making a child believe they're not wanted is probably the greatest sin in the entire universe. They were transferring their own self-hatred onto you because you were small and kind and an easy target. Shame on them!
I can see, also, that releasing this information is painful for you. It's painful for me to read it also. I love how you, and the other members here are the kind, good people in our stories, but at the same time, it shows that we, the good people, are still struggling to make sense of it all.
You dissociated at the end of your writing, but you got a lot of the story written before your thoughts jumbled up. I think you earned that cake you baked.
What I read in your writing was that you were assaulted on every front. Dad, Mum, siblings. You had far too little refuge. Far too little safety. The compassion you talk about for your mum is so endearing. Somehow, even as a tiny child, you were aware that she was being abused also. She was lucky to have you on her side. Even though you were tiny and just as helpless as she was, your heart stayed in her corner. That's what I find most lovable about you. You care about those who suffer.
In the end, I'm just so sorry that your upbringing was so violent and that these broken souls surrounded you so. I am deeply impressed by your ability to cognitively assess what really happened. I feel pretty sure I wasn't as aware of my abuse until I was close to twice your age.
For now, if you're still feeling dissociated, then you deserve to rest and let the dissociation protect you from thinking about all of it for a while. Baking a cake was a great way to ground yourself. It involved physical touch, smell and taste. Three things that help us ground. I sometimes just go to the sink and run my hands under icy cold water when my head is spinning and looking for a landing spot. I grip the cold faucet. Feeling the sensation of cold on my skin grounds me. It works, but cake would taste better.
Thank you for sharing your story
I'm sorry you faced this and that you're facing it now.
I read something a couple days ago.... basically it said, you (now) are the one rescuing your younger self, after they waited so long for someone to.
I think you did a beautiful job sharing your story and that young you is so fortunate to have you to rescue them.
TW
I understand how it feels when a parent tries to kill you. It really is a big deal!
It wrecks so much havoc on ever feeling safe. or feeling like you belong or have worth.
But you do!!
I'm so sorry for all you went through :hug:
You are all such beautiful souls! Your replies made me cry. It's been a tough day and to come here and see all your kind words, helps me feel understood and seen. Something I really needed today. So thank you all so much. You are all so dear to me :grouphug:
Armee - In his anger, he sat on my Mums tummy, so in a way, me and he choked her. I need to clarify, I had to go back re-read this a couple of times myself. I didn't type very well here :doh: What I was trying to say was that he was sitting on her tummy, so in a way, he was sitting on me and then choking her. Not that it was he and I that were choking her. That was all him. Sorry I didn't make that very clear in that sentence :doh: The guilt I carry is about saying 'Daddy' when he had just done what he had done. I know I shouldn't but it just won't seem to go away. No matter how many times my Mum tells me I shouldn't as well. It's just there.
Yeah, him and the vast majority of his family are not people I am happy to be associated with. Fortunately, only one Uncle ever bothered with us, and he was the most amazing man. Not a bad bone in his body, total opposite of his brother.
I struggled in school so much but I hid it fairly well, for a while. Once the old teenage hormones kicked in it was harder, but everyone just put my outbursts and depressive episodes down to good old puberty. I had a couple of amazing teachers who I will never forget, but overall, school was a challenge. I was always tired, from not sleeping, like yourself, up all night listening or waking up to the slightest sound. I never slept in school though. I have always been bullied to some degree in school so I was always on alert. I wouldn't have been able to sleep even if I tried.
I want to go back to this information from my childhood and I'm hoping to be able to pick up from where I left off. I think I dissociated because I was feeling really guilty about what I was saying about my siblings. And it just all got overwhelming.
I need to take a look at this guilt in regards to my siblings.
M&H - My abuse was no worse than what you and others here have endured. The lack of physical abuse does not lessen the trauma. My Mum has always said, cuts and bruises heal, it's the emotional scars that last. Being neglected in any way leaves an emotional scar and having that neglect come from the people we are told love us unconditionally cuts deep.
Every child just wants to be loved by their parents but my Dad didn't love his children. Any of them. We were tools he could use to control and hurt my Mum. Him disappearing from our lives was the best thing that could have happened. Life would have been so much worse. But it is hard to reconcile the fact, that someone who had zero regard for me like that, was my Dad. Being a parent myself now too just makes that feel worse and make even less sense.
Papa Coco - I am glad I shared but I will admit, it kept me awake. I almost logged back on and removed the post, my anxiety shot up. I'm glad I didn't give into the anxiety and fear over my post as I have felt just a little lighter by putting it out there.
My siblings are a tricky subject for me as I feel an insane amount of guilty for writing these things about them. My siblings (especially my oldest sister) have also been a huge support to me throughout my life. I struggle to connect their younger selves to the adults they've become. For years I was ridiculously close to my oldest sister, she was like my best friend. But the more I have thought about my childhood and the more I have talked about it, the more I have come to realise how a lot of things they said and did, really affected me. The majority of them are not inherently bad people, not at all, but that doesn't detract from my own experiences growing up.
I know they wouldn't agree with my experiences in most cases and would just say all the normal plop to me. Or I would get a lecture about my own behaviour. I do not claim to be perfect, or that I have not been unkind to my siblings as well, but I did not bully them. I did not tell them they did not belong or belittle things that they said. Quite often I was just retaliating to provocation but of course, that wasn't allowed. Or at least not by me :Idunno:
I love most of my siblings and only wish them well, but I have no desire to be around them anytime soon. They just think I have thrown a strop or it's just my mental health. The reality is that they caused damage that I am now trying to sort through, I just don't think they will truly accept that. I don't want to bad mouth them because they have been good to me also, but I cannot ignore the wounds of my childhood and things as an adult as well. They claim to treat me like an adult but only when it's appropriate for them that I 'act like an adult' otherwise they still lecture me and talk to me like a child. I have never truly felt a mutual respect from any of them. I feel so guilty for even writing this, like I am doing them wrong. Grrr!
My Mum is my best friend and I know how lucky I am to have the relationship I do with her. We have had our issues and I have my wounds, but she worked so hard to give us everything she could. I have always been so protective of her, fiercely so. Part of why I decided to bake is it was always something I did with my Mum, all throughout my life. It has always brought me some measure of peace and I think it's because it makes me feel connected to her. That was something we did when everyone else was at school. It was our time.
I sometimes just go to the sink and run my hands under icy cold water when my head is spinning and looking for a landing spot. I grip the cold faucet. Feeling the sensation of cold on my skin grounds me.
I do this ALL the time! The only difference for me is I usually put my forehead against the basin instead of gripping the tap. My head usually feels like it's on fire whilst the rest of me is freezing :Idunno: My ex always used to find it funny. He used to help if I got too dizzy but it's just been one of my quirks ;D Glad it isn't just me ;D
Phil - Thank you for your kindness and support. I actually quite like that image. It's sad that that is the way it is but in the end, someone did come to the rescue. We have chosen to rescue ourselves. To be the people our younger selves needed.
I'm sorry that you have suffered with this too. It really does wreak havoc on your sense of safety. It just flies in the face of everything being a parent means. I feel for all the beautiful souls on this forum, it's awful that we even find ourselves here in the first place but I feel so lucky to have found you all. I'm really starting to feel less alone :hug:
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I have hardly slept this week and I'm exhausted. Have had the rug pulled out from under me again and it's knocked me flat on my backside. All my Christmas plans have now changed which has massively upset me as I can't spend it with the people I love. I have been so looking forward to it. Then at the same time, it also means, I don't have to hide the fact that I cannot STAND Christmas. I am not going to have deal with the anxiety that I usually deal with, or the complete overstimulation. But I feel guilty about the sense of relief I feel. I am in no way shape or form happy about not being able to go and spend Christmas with the people I was supposed to, I am devastated but I cannot deny the relief. It feels really confusing :stars:
I have been and currently am, an emotional mess! I'm flip flopping between extreme irritability, being a sobbing mess and dissociating. I have felt completely overwhelmed and overstimulated all day today. I have really struggled with noise and touch, and I have been freezing cold all day. I need to make sure I do something with my little one tomorrow. Mum has not been a fun person for him today. He's so lovely. I burst into tears this afternoon, for no apparent reason (especially to him) and he got up from his colouring to come and give me a cuddle and wipe my tears away :bawl: I don't deserve him. I wish I could be the Mum he deserves.
Had a pretty bad PA this evening and ended up exploding on my ex. He did nothing wrong and I just :blowup: Just everything came spewing out. I feel awful and I just keep apologising to him. He didn't deserve that at all. Yes, there are reasons why he got the brunt of it and I understand that, but he didn't actually do anything, in fact, as I was...losing my mind, he was in the middle of getting something sorted for me. I just feel like an awful person right now and wish I could just suck it all back in and it not have happened.
It's taken me...about 4 hours now, to get back to some real measure of calm, where I can really think and breathe. I've been floating on and off the forum all day because right now, this is the only place in the world, where I feel even slightly understood and a little less crazy.
This is taking me a while to write as I keep having to stop and remind myself to breathe. I'm holding my breath as I'm typing :Idunno: It's something I have noticed recently, when I am in an emotional state and I write/type, I hold my breath. Don't know why, but apparently, it's something I do or at least have started doing :Idunno:
I also have a cracking headache, so that doesn't help.
I did push myself to start drawing earlier. I have had an idea in my head for a while but just haven't been able to get started on it. I needed something to focus on this afternoon so I made myself start. It took a long time and I had to do everything in stages, but I got there in the end. So that's something. I might try and do some more, depends on if I can shift this headache at all.
Now in an attempt to try and focus on something I like. I mentioned in a previous post about feeling the energy move through my arm as I write/type and seeing colours. This post, its flow has felt very slow and juddery. Almost stop, start. And the colour, the colour is a dark grey. Like a stormy sky, with electric blue streaks. Almost like lightening.
I'm so incredibly sorry to hear how much you are struggling at the moment, Master of my Sea.
It sounds as if you are having a really rough time - dealing with CPTSD in general, insomnia, and unexpected changes like that certainly isn't easy. I guess there are moments when it is just impossible to stay in full control of our emotions because trauma is really getting at us and our feelings are all over the place, but I don't doubt for a second that you are doing your absolute best in this situation, so please don't be too hard on yourself. These things are bound to happen from time to time when we are triggered and as sad as it is, we can only show compassion for ourselves in these moments and maybe find some ways to make amends later (should that be necessary).
I know it's frustrating and frightening when we can't keep up to our own standards and act out in ways that we experience as harmful, yet I hope that you can see that this doesn't make you any less of a wonderful person: you are doing the very best you can even despite all that is going on and that in and as itself is a great achievement.
I think your son is very lucky to have you because you do genuinely care and you always do everything you can to be there for him, no matter how hard life hits you.
So, I would say: take all the time you need to find some calm and peace. And feel free to reach out any time if you need support.
You're doing so well handling all these FBs and PAs and you deserve some rest.
Hugs to you. You've been sharing a bit about what happened with your ex so those latent emotions are probably more surface than usual and it makes sense that you exploded. You can keep practicing grounding techniques before you have to interact with him. Maybe you don't need to apologize as much as you are though?
When I first joined here I tried to get everything out all at once and overdid it a number of times in ways that made coping harder. It's something a lot of us do and then we find our groove that works to help us instead of triggering us. And sometimes we need to step away for awhile. It's all ok here.
Your son got a gift today seeing you cry. He learned how to be compassionate and he learned that everyone cries and its ok. Those are important lessons. You aren't failing him.
More hugs from me also,
I have been where you are, and I just want to send you as much love and support as I can while you feel it now.
What a sweet boy to leave what he is doing to comfort his mum. It gives me a little smile just to think about it. Children are small and dependent, and seldom get a chance to give back, but your little guy found a way to give back to the person he loves most in the world. That little hug will never be forgotten. A ray of golden sunshine amidst an otherwise chaotic storm.
You made me remember in the earlier years of my therapy when my therapist(s) would have to remind me to breathe. I'd forgotten that I used to hold my breath too. It happened so subconsciously.
I'm sending you all the love and support I can, for both yourself, and your little ray of golden sunshine.
Hi MasterOfMySea,
I just wanted to drop in and say hi. Just wanted to send a quick hug, and let you know I'm thinking about you while you go through what you're going through right now.
No need to respond. I know you will when you're ready.
:hug:
Hi Papa Coco, thank you for checking in and thank you for the hug :) :hug:
I've been away longer than expected if I'm honest but that is the way it goes sometimes :) I did log on a little while ago but I just wasn't ready to reengage at that point.
I have missed the forum and you have all been in my thoughts but I am glad I made the decision to take a break. I am in a much better place now and feel ready to come back ;D
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The last month of my life has been a real eye opener. The truth came crashing in and completely destroyed me for a little while there. I have been in a real battle just to keep going. To find the strength to wake up each morning. Once again I find myself being so grateful for my son, he has been my driving force, my sole reason to just hold on. He is such a kind and caring child and I find myself welling with pride, each and every time he shows that side of himself. We can learn so much from our children about being unashamed of our emotions. He has helped me to let myself feel what I have needed to feel instead of supressing it. My toddler will have a tantrum, get it out of his system and move on. In many ways, I have tried to do the same. When I have felt overwhelmed by my emotions I have allowed myself to feel them. Allowed myself to cry, or just go and sit quietly and breathe. Whatever I needed in that moment. It has also opened up doors with my son, ways that I have really been able to start communicating with him and showing him that his emotions are not a bad thing. That it's ok to feel and it's ok to show it. I have kept a lot away from him but I have allowed him to see me cry at times, I have sat and explained to him that sometimes we get sad and sometimes, a good cry can help you feel so much better.
My world completely changed at the beginning of this month, all my plans fell through and I was dreading yet another, miserable Christmas. For a long time it looked like that was exactly what was going to happen. I discovered that the person I have devoted the last 3 years to, that I have given everything to and I have loved with all my heart, has spent the last 6 months at least, using me. Telling me what I wanted to hear, to keep me where he needed me, whilst he got cosy with someone new. All this time he had me believing we were working on our relationship and we honestly had hope for the future when actually I was just being used and manipulated for his own gain. I was devastated. I still am but it's a bit different now. But I was crushed. This man quite literally saved me from my husband and HIM. He was the one that stopped it all from happening again on another occasion. I thought this man was my hero! He has raised my son for the last 3 years. My son knows him as Daddy. But the man I thought he was, doesn't exist. He's been struggling to keep the mask up for a while now and it's finally slipped. I am now no longer looking at him and seeing what was, I look at him and see him for who he is and what he has done to me and my son.
It all came to a complete head the day before Christmas eve. My son was supposed to be spending Christmas with him but the day before he was supposed to be collected, my ex decided that he needed to 'distance' himself for a while. Part of this is because I was not in a good way and was desperately trying to get answers from someone who didn't want to give them and didn't care. But it's also partly because I don't want my son being introduced to a new woman, when only a few weeks ago his Dad was virtually living back with us again and we were behaving like a family. I will not have him confused like that. But because he has already moved in with his new partner, him having my son isn't an option at the moment. Now this caused me to go full Mumma Bear. I know what this 'distance' means and I made it clear, he is either consistent or he's gone. That you don't distance yourself from your child. He chose that moment to tell me 'well he isn't my son'. That sealed the deal for me. For 3 years he has been your son and now you've suddenly decided he isn't? Time to go. Having someone be inconsistent with me and flip flop in and out of my life is one thing, I will not have it done to my child.
Everything changed for me in that moment. The whole way I looked at this man shifted. I have not cried over him since. We have been no contact since then. Any communication is through a third party. His stuff will be removed from my home next week and after that, I never need to see or speak to him again. Yes I have lost the family I built but no family is worth the trauma of the last 3 years.
My whole perspective has completely shifted. I have gone from wishing I was not here any longer and that my attempt at leaving this world had not failed last year. From being in so much pain that I physically hurt to being absolutely determined and feeling stronger than I have felt for a LONG time. I am finally seeing things clearly, seeing them for what they are. Finally seeing how I have been manipulated and used and gaslit. All by a person that swore thy would never do these things to me, especially after learning about my life. I do not need that, my son does not need that. It has made me so determined that never again will I allow anyone, to make me feel like this. Never again will I allow someone to make me doubt myself or make me feel wrong for having feelings and expressing them. I am never going to be in this position again. Enough is enough and I'm drawing my line in the sand. Not just for my sake, but for my son too. We deserve better!
This break in the relationship and going no contact has opened up an amazing door for me. I have been stuck living in an area filled with the demons of my past. This has caused my mental health to suffer immensely and I never feel safe. I was staying so my son would always be close to his 'Dad'. That isn't the case now. I have absolutely nothing at all in the world keeping me here. There is no happiness for me here, there never was. All I can think of is all the pain and betrayal I have experienced since moving to the area. There are no fond memories really. But now, now I can leave! I do not have to stay anymore. I can move and start a fresh, just me and my boy. Somewhere new, somewhere with no history, where no one knows us and we can just go and live our lives. As terrifying as that is, I find it so exciting too. To be able to just go, with a clean slate and just live and heal. Sounds amazing.
I have been coming to so many realisations in the last week and some of them are hard but all of them necessary. I am no longer looking at things through rose tinted glasses. I am seeing things as they are. I am realising just how bad this last relationship was and how little I was respected. Something that keeps coming to mind is the fact that I constantly asked him to stop making me jump. Stop trying to scare me. He could see how strong my reactions were, there was more than one occasion where he triggered anxiety attacks, full blown panic attacks and FBs. I collapsed on the floor in tears more than once. Yet he still made me jump, a lot. Such a small thing to ask someone to stop doing and yet, he just couldn't do it. I never got to celebrate my birthday, we never celebrated valentines day (he always broke up with me just before and then we would sort things out a few days later) all these types of things. Yet I always made an effort for him, often being the only person to do so. I am not claiming I was perfect and that I didn't mess up but I know I didn't deserve a lot of the treatment I have received. Especially in the last year.
What amazes me, is how after everything I have been through, especially before we got together, how I missed or ignored all the red flags.....again! Blows my mind and I'm the one who done it :Idunno:
For such a long time, he has been my whole world. He was all I had and I honestly didn't know how I could do it all without him. That is no longer the case. I can and will be fine without him. I have survived 100% of my bad days and I will get through this. He done me a favour in the end. I couldn't walk away, I didn't know how and I wanted to fix things. He gave me the final push I needed. He walked away and I closed the door and locked it. So in some ways I'm grateful for what he's done. Now I can move on with my life, without the weight and the anxiety of that relationship hanging over me.
I wake up each morning and I know exactly what is going to happen that day. I'm not trying to predict his mood, I'm not trying to keep him calm and happy and placate him all the time. I'm not having to pay attention to how much he is drinking so things don't explode. I'm not a completely anxious mess! I can spend my own money without being moaned at or an argument starting.
I feel better than I have felt for a long long time and for the first time in years, I have some sort of plan and hopes for the future. It's not looking quite so bleak. I had a lovely Christmas with my son, in fact it was the best Christmas I have had in years. I know there are going to be bumps and blips. I know there are going to be days that are hard but it doesn't seem quite as frightening now. I know that I can deal with those hard days in ways that help me and no one is going to judge me, no one is going to make me feel guilty for doing what I need to do, to be ok. I can finally focus on me and my healing journey. I can do it at my own pace, no one is rushing me to get better. No one is questioning why I am not better yet. My purpose is no longer to look after an egotistical, self-centred man who still thinks it's the 50's. My purpose is my son and myself and to bring a little good, a little light into this dark world.
Only about a week ago, I felt like I was standing on a cliffs edge, watching a wall of water moving towards me. Knowing there was no escape. All I could do was stand there and let it crash into me and throw me around for a while. It took a few days for me to finally break the surface and gasp for breath. Now, now I'm swimming. But this time I'm going to swim with the current instead of against it.
My life has been spent fighting and surviving. I'm done doing that. It's my turn to have a go at living.
:bighug:
I'm so glad you are here and so proud of the strong woman you are. Stronger each day. :grouphug:
Master of my Sea,
I'm so glad to be hearing for you, I only wondered yesterday how you were doing and whether you got through Christmas okay.
The way you describe the breakup with this person sounds atrocious. I don't really want to say anything against a person I don't know but I don't understand how he would do something like this to you and your son. I imagine that this will be quite difficult for your son to come to terms with as he is losing the person he thought of as his "daddy" and I imagine it will also be difficult for you since you devoted so much time to him. However, maybe it is indeed better this way, if he triggered you so much and was often so inconsiderate even when he knew about all your past trauma.
I admire how you are dealing with all of this and I am so glad you are finding such strength in this situation. It is most wonderful to hear that you feel more determined that you have been for a long time. Seeing things as they really are can be very scary and daunting but also very freeing and I hope that the latter will prevail for you. You can be really proud of the incredible strength you are showing, but please let me know if you ever need any kind of help. I guess this changed a lot of things in your and your sons life and this can take some time to adjust to, but we're here to help in any way we can
Master Of My Sea,
Wow. Welcome back, and Wow. I feel a lot of juicy energy coming from your post! Congratulations on feeling the freedom from your x. I love how you protect your son from him too.
I remember the day I finally walked away from my family. I laughed. I giggled. I felt like I could walk on air or water. I remember saying "My family finally became so ugly that even I couldn't love them anymore."
I feel that kind of energy wafting up from your post.
That moment when you realize what a narcissist, or sociopath, or just plain toxic JERK someone's been to you, and finally being ready --and able-- to cut them out of the story completely is a great day. I put "and able" in there because most of us can't just walk away until we become emotionally ready.
And you seem to be ready!
What a great comment too, that this was the best Christmas you've had in years. Not having that big, whiny baby around, making you walk on eggshells around him must have made you feel lighter than air, just enjoying a fun day with your fun son!
I love it. I can't wait to hear more about your life now that you're free from that toxic burden of having to walk gently around a narcissistic gaslighter.
I hope I don't come off sounding insensitive, but the day we walk away from our abusers is the day our lives begin. I have no sadness or regrets about cutting my own family out of my life. It was the day my life of independent thoughts and actions began. No more worrying about how my actions would ignite another feeding frenzy with my sisters and parents. Ahhh. Such a relief.
I routinely say that you can't start healing the victims of a train crash until after the train stops crashing. While we're in our bad relationships, we're in a rolling train crash. The best we can do us be in survival mode. When the relationship ends, that's like when the train cars finally stop crashing, and THAT's when the first responders can start applying bandages, and that's when the healing can begin. When that train crash finally walks out the door and you lock it behind him.
I'm committing to always ending my posts on a positive note, and this is my positive note: You are now free to heal and live your life as you see fit. There's a light at the end of your tunnel and you're walking toward it. From one x-prisoner of a toxic family to another, Congratulations on your newly improved freedom to be YOU.
Man is it good to be back :) To see all of your posts, just reminds me that there are good people in this world, that not everyone is selfish or has an ulterior motive :grouphug:
Armee - Thank you. It's been a while since I have felt strong in any way and each day gets a little better. I'm proud of me too ;D
M&H - You're kind words, as always, are greatly appreciated :) It has been awful to be honest. Leaving my H was a 1000% times easier! I was desperate to make sense of everything and had this overwhelming need to know the truth. I really lost my grip a couple of times. I would message him these essays desperately trying to get the answers and we would just argue. But I would do this whilst in the middle of a PA or really struggling with the EF I was in. Not wise. The moment he denied (not sure if that's the right term) my son like that, I didn't care anymore. I finally allowed myself to know what I know about him. No more fairy-tale that didn't exist, just the naked truth of the situation. I ignored, excused and justified so much when the reality was he was just being a crappy person a lot of the time. Weaponising my trauma and ultimately making me feel really rubbish about myself.
It's absolutely terrifying but I feel so free. We've both lost an entire family, not just him. I've lost his kids and his Dad, so my son has therefore lost his siblings and his Grandad as well. It's left a huge hole in our lives. But we will be ok, I'll make sure of it ;D
Papa Coco - I need my body to match the energy of my words now. My brain is well in gear and I'm making plans and just all systems go, but my body is still stuck in the fugue at the moment. I am trying to be gentle with myself though and remind myself that it's been a tough few weeks.
I will not allow my son to be treated the way I have been treated throughout my life and by my ex. Those words were all I needed in the end. They broke the spell and snapped the cord that linked us. Protecting my child is my number one priority and if it ever comes to choosing, my boy wins every time.
I believe he is a narcissist, I have believed it for a long time. I suppose I just hoped he would recognise that he needed some help and get the support he needed. Especially as he was so insistent that I get myself back into therapy. The way I have felt coming out of this has also sort of confirmed it for me. I have been in physical pain with this, it's been that intense. But now when I think of him, I don't think of just the good times and cling to them, I'm remembering all of it. It's sad to say but the bad times were so much more intense than the good times, that they just overshadow them.
I have been doing lots of research in recent weeks on reactionary abuse and it has become painfully clear to me that this is his MO. He would push and push until I exploded, then stand back and very calmly now, point out how 'crazy' I was being. Or how abusive I was. His favourite move was once he wound you up to the point of explosion, he would then start recording you as 'proof' of how bad you were. I was not the only person he has done this to. He knows exactly what buttons to push in everyone he encounters and he will utilise that knowledge when he feels he needs to, then turn it around to make the other person look bad.
I have spent the last few years feeling like I am losing my mind. Constantly being told I am getting worse not better. Having the threat of certain people finding out where I was every time we had an argument. Knowing I'm being used and lied to but constantly being convinced that isn't the case. Always feeling unsure of how each day would go. Now, very quickly, everything has changed. There is certainty to my day and the only people I have to worry about are myself and my son.
I came to the realisation late last night that, it was never him I was missing. It was my idea of this person, the person that I originally met, but in reality that person never existed. He came to be so he could gain access to me then disappeared once he had me. And company, that's what else I was missing. Now, I would rather be entirely alone than have such toxic company.
I had such a chilled out Christmas with my little man, that it just cemented how awful the environment had really been.
I feel some excitement for my future as it is now solely in my hands. I control what happens next. I get to start the year with a clean slate. It really feels like the beginning of a new chapter and for once it isn't shrouded in darkness. It's going to be tough and as excited as I feel, I am terrified. But I don't honestly think that anyone else in my shoes would feel any different. I think that it's perfectly reasonable and for me, at least it means I'm not numb. Feeling that excitement and that fear means I haven't shut down. I'm taking every positive as they come and that sure is one in my book ;D
I am so ready to really start healing! And doing it at my pace, not someone else's ;D
Hey Master of my Sea! I'm recently new here myself, but just wanted to say I love the positive energy and enthusiasm for the future you have in each post! I hate that you had to go through all that, but happy that you've found a path forward. In both of your posts I've read, my reaction has been "I wish I would've had a mother like that growing up" - you're doing right by your kid, and that's amazing.
Have a great new years!
I am so relieved you are free of that. I'm sorry your son is losing a version of family you had with him, but you and your son are a strong healthy family and there's no room or need for abuse to be a part of your family. You are in charge now. Just in a short post you described many layers of abuse and I am relieved you are free of that. Just using a threat to share your location is massively abusive. I don't have polite words for how I feel about him right now. You are strong and you are enough for your son.
Oh MOMS
Your story of how your x would push you to breaking point and then use it as proof that you're the crazy one...THAT is the absolute 100% definition of gaslighting. We throw that word around a lot now, and it's starting to lose meaning, but what he was doing to you is the quintessential, absolute definition of the word.
As with my narcissistic sister and my slightly moronic older brother, I cut all ties, went full No Contact 12 1/2 years ago, and to this day I still sometimes fantasize about them apologizing to me for a lifetime of pain and lies. But I've read the books, and I've tested the theories, and I know sociopaths better than I ever wanted to, and I know no such apology will ever come. Still...every now and then...I still want one...for a few minutes anyway. Until I remember and I still, to this day, ALMOST every day of the year, I look up to the sky and say, "Thank you for getting those creeps out of my life!"
These monsters do what they do. They give us a few nice gifts at the beginning of the relationship, and then we ignore all the bad they do because we spend the rest of our lives (or until we finally snap and see what's happening, as you've done with your x.) feeling like we owe them because of those very few meaningful gifts they'd once given us. To me, it's like they once gave me a piece of candy and now I owe them steak dinners for life.
I'M SO GLAD you found your way out of that connection with him. I'm really excited for your future now. You and your little man are free to be who you are now.
Losing people like that is always hard. The time we spent with them may actually never have been very happy at all and yet they still leave a hole when they leave because they have formed such a great part of our lives and taken up so much of our energy and our thoughts.
When I feel very isolated and alone I sometimes start missing the people from my past but with most of them it does indeed feel more like I am missing the idea of them rather than the actual person themselves. With hindsight it gets a lot easier to see that the version of them that I loved/liked/etc probably never even existed and that the bond we seemed to share was always frail because they never cared about me the way I did.
I guess it's because I spend so much of my time alone but when I find someone that I like it is always all in. If I like someone I would literally do anything for them even at my own expense (a classic fawn behaviour, I know) but it hurts to realise that they have never shared the feeling and never had even 1% of the love and respect that I held in my heart for them.
Yet, even if it is painful I still believe that this is a very important thing to realise as it opens us up for more healing and allows us too free ourselves from the chains of the part. It is likely still going to take a lot of strength to navigate the grief and loss, but it is a very big (and possibly the most important) step, so I hope that this will allow you to move on.
I think it is most wonderful and admirable how you are managing all of this. I wished my mum had been strong enough to make the same decision when she realised that my dad wasn't good for all of us and that staying with him would only lead to ever more abuse. But she was nowhere near as strong as you are (and I guess she didn't care about me and my sister in such a loving way as you care for your son) and it makes me sad to think how much pain could have been avoided had she just had a tiny bit more of your strength.
However, it does show that generational trauma can end and that a single person can put a halt to all the pain and hurt that has been passed down from generation to generation. And that's most encouraging to see
Hi Master of my Seas,
I am relieved to hear you're out of such a challenging relationship, and I wish you success in navigating your seas in the days ahead. I hope you'll find strength in the various situations that you come across.
:hug:
Hope :)
WOW guys! Just WOW! ;D I don't think I have ever felt as supported as I do right now. You are all so wonderful ;D :grouphug:
CrackedIce - First, may I say welcome to the forum. I'm glad you found us :) Second, thank you for this: In both of your posts I've read, my reaction has been "I wish I would've had a mother like that growing up" - you're doing right by your kid, and that's amazing. To have someone say this means the world to me. I always stress about whether I'm doing right by him, especially at the moment, so again thank you. I needed that. Sending you a warm, motherly hug (if that's ok) :bighug:
Armee - I keep telling myself, I am free, over and over. Makes me smile every time. It finally feels that way. I feel lighter and more in control. I removed my sons bio Dad from his life because he was unsafe and not someone that should be a role model to ANYBODY and I have found myself once again in a similar situation. The behaviour that I am realising I have been subjected to for the last few years, is not something I want in my life and I certainly don't want it around my son. I will not raise him to be a man anyone has to recover from. Keeping his 'Dad' around would make that a lot harder. Also the fact that very quickly he wants to 'distance' himself, is a huge red flag for me. This man has wanted distance and to leave me so many times, yet he always came back, because I let him. My son has suffered enough of the indirect impact of that, I'm will not stand for the same behaviour being presented directly to my child. Not by anyone.
I don't have many polite words myself. Besides from, 'Thank you for finally letting me go and handing me the scissors I needed to cut the rope. You done me a favour.'
Papa Coco - I remember the first time I called him out on it. I told him that was what he was doing and I wasn't having it, he immediately turned around and said, 'I'm not doing that, your are!' From that day on, he told me whenever we fell out, which was all the time, that I was gaslighting him. Just proved to me that he didn't know what it meant and he was just trying to twist the perspective.
He was very good at love-bombing. Did it frequently, at first. Even that went away in the end. I was just expected to be there and like the dutiful little fawn that I am, there I was. The moment I told him he was either consistent or gone and he insisted on 'distance' and I then made the decision, was so empowering. I have been holding onto that feeling. I took my control back in the moment. The illusion blew away and he was no longer pulling my strings. Pure freedom, a feeling I haven't felt for at least 4 years. Before I met my H. I refuse to lose that again.
I saw something the other day that said, Don't help me if I'm going to hear about it on a bad day and it is so relevant to what's been going on. I always heard about everything he had done for me and how ungrateful I was, every time we argued. The simplest things suddenly meant that I had to do something for him or, that he then didn't need to do anything at home because he'd done this thing. Nothing was ever free or just done with kindness. Everything had a motive, with some sort of expectation.
I'm glad things are this way. We can finally live!
M&H - Hindsight is 20/20 and it's hard to accept the things we refused to see or even acknowledge, in the name of love. But like you say, it was a love that was very one sided the majority of the time.
I am very much the same and quickly fall into those fawning patterns (thank you Papa Coco for introducing me to the term). It's a skill that needs to be unlearned and we need to remember to be gentle with ourselves. These habits kept us alive up until this point. They once served a purpose. They took a lifetime to learn, so it's only natural it will take time to unlearn them.
I used to look at my Mum and wonder why she didn't leave sooner? Why she didn't save herself and her kids sooner? Until I found myself in similar situations. Even surrounded by people, I was completely alone, with no where to go. I felt like a tiny island in a vast, empty ocean. Sometimes leaving isn't an option, or you have been convinced that it isn't. This is what they do.
It's seeing and learning what my Mum experienced, what I've experienced, that has given me that strength to ensure my son does not live a life like me. Or my siblings. The cycle does not need to repeat. He has experienced FAR too much already at the hands of two people who called themselves Dad, only to show that, in the end, they were only 'Dad' by name. I have time to rectify that and undo any harm that may have been done to my boy by these experiences and I will do anything in my power to make sure he is ok. He didn't ask to be here and he shouldn't be punished by other people's poor choices.
Hope - Thank you for your kind words and well wishes. Each day gets a little better and I have finally have some hope. :hug:
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Tomorrow is the day! Tomorrow all of his things will be removed from my home. I can finally, completely shut the door on that chapter and focus on moving forward. I feel like when I wake up on Wednesday morning, it will truly be the first day of the rest of my life. There will no need for any future contact or communication of any kind. He can go on with his life and me and my son can go on with ours, however we see fit.
I organised all of his stuff today and set it up so he can just come in and easily filter it out. No messing around in cupboards or anything. Just grab and go! Ha! It was a really cathartic experience. I was taking control of the situation and it felt great. When I shut the door tomorrow, it really is shut. I won't opening it for him again It's going to be such a relief to know that I am never going to have to deal with any of that again. Now I can focus on healing from it. Yes it's another thing to heal but I'd rather be healing than actively stuck in that environment.
I am already noticing a drastic improvement in my anxiety levels. I haven't had a PA for a little while, less EFs and FBs. Less frequent NM's too. The other thing I have noticed, is that when these things do flare up, I am dealing with them better because I'm not also dealing with the intricacies of my relationship. I can deal with what's happening from a calmer place, I feel more capable of dealing with them too. I'm still battling emotions and a lot of anger and frustration but I'm not being totally overwhelmed, all the time. I am re-entering my window of tolerance. Haven't been inside that window for some time now.
I have been able to do things that I want to do, without upsetting anyone or having to ask. I was able to sit on New Years eve and watch one on my favourite artists perform a set on a live stream. I would NEVER have been able to do that before. Especially as it isn't his type of music. I am watching what I want on telly, eating whatever I fancy instead of having to cater to him all the time. I'm listening to my music, all the time now and I'm just calmer.
I have removed all daily reminders, I have emptied my phone of pictures, put them on a sd card and put that away, in a box that is full of photographs and cards and all manner of things from all of them. Him and the kids. I don't want to get rid of them, because although they are 3 years of memories involving them, but they are also 3 years of memories of me and my child. I just can't look at them right now, so I am going to keep them safe until I can. They were all a huge part of our lives and I'm not prepared to just eradicate that but, I also don't need to see those things everyday.
Tomorrow is the final page in this chapter of my life. I am so ready for the next one now. I am walking into a new year, still uncertain of what's going to happen, but for the first time in years, it doesn't look bleak. It looks full of opportunities and a chance at happiness.
I just hope I can maintain this positivity and determination.
Master of my Sea
I feel like celebrating with you. I remember walking away from my narcissistic family, and how I felt like I was walking on air. The whole world smelled sweeter. Food tasted richer. I found myself giggling randomly at the freedom I was feeling. You've described it perfectly, that now you get to listen to whatever music you want, watch any TV show you want, eat what and when you want...I can feel the freedom with you through the wires of the internet.
One key thing people don't talk about as often as they should is that you don't start to heal while you're still in the bad relationship. I always say, You don't start to heal from a train crash until the train stops crashing. All you can do while still in the bad relationship is continue to brace yourself and try to stop from getting more bruised up. When it's over, you can rise up and begin healing the bruises once and for all. And what I'm hearing in your posts is that you aren't just getting rid of the next bad relationship, you've opened your eyes to the world of narcissists, and you are ready to stop befriending them from now on. That's a clean break!
I remember when, before I learned what a narcissist is, and didn't understand why I kept getting betrayed by the people I connected with, I used to say "My story always has a villain in it! Why is it that as soon as I get rid of my villain, another one comes along and takes his/her place?" I felt like I was a character in a TV show and my character needed a villain character, so every time one left the show, the producers would just hire a new replacement character. BUT THEN I learned how to spot Sociopaths and Narcissists, and Ta-DA! The character is no longer being replaced in my life. I've read many books and have studied the ways of the narcissist and, thank gosh, there aren't any in my life anymore. When they appear, I ignore them and they go away.
I laughed when I read how he tried turning it around and calling YOU the gaslighter. HA HA HA!!! So typical. Sociopaths/Narcissists always confess their sins by accusing you of them. You can pretty much count on them to tattle on themselves by listening to what they accuse others of doing. They're like a 3-year-old. It's pretty easy to catch a 3-year-old in the cookie jar, and if you listen to a narcissist accuse others of crimes, you can catch them in the cookie jar just as easily. They only think about themselves. So their own sins are always on their mind. And they just...can't...shut...up. So they confess, but they claim it was you who did the crime. He gaslighted you and then called you a gaslighter. HA HA HA! Definitely a 3-year-old.
I suspect you are at that place now too. If you go where I am, you'll be able to smell narcissists from a block away, and you will no longer be able to attach to them anymore.
I call it "I finally got a belly-full of their tricks, and I can't stomach any more of them."
Congratulations on getting his stuff out of your apartment today or tomorrow. I hope the world smells like roses as soon as he and his stuff are gone and the door is shut behind him once and for all.
HAPPY 2023 to you and your little man!!!! Talk about a new beginning. A fresh start. A life now aware of the narcissism that used to trap you, but no longer does.
Like Papa Coco said. You can't heal while actively enduring ongoing abuse. It's a common tenet of trauma therapy too. You just can't heal trauma while still being traumatized. That was very true. My mom caused or triggered trauma in me several times a week. It wasn't until she died a little over a year ago that I could finally focus on healing, from her and from things not related to her at all. Like Papa Coco I feel that free energy emanating through the internet too from you. It is palpable.
I also agree that his behavior to you is very typical. A gaslighter will actively and intentionally accuse you of gaslighting them. It is part of their shared bag of tricks. If it's helpful. My therapist pretty much MADE me read this book and it had tons of gems in it.
https://www.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Step-Step-Emotional-Relationships/dp/1648766498/ref=asc_df_1648766498/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=560440526833&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14840954843207917125&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1014093&hvtargid=pla-1322599506885&psc=1
Please let us know how the move out goes!
Thank you Papa Coco and Armee.
You've both said something that my last T said to me a lot, just in different words. You cannot heal in the place you were harmed. It is so very true. I now know the answer as to why I wasn't getting any better. Why it felt like I was just getting worse. It wasn't me! I was in a space where it wasn't safe or even acceptable to heal as that meant focusing on me and not him.
Papa Coco what you have said about feeling like, as soon as one villain leaves, another takes their place. I feel this in my soul. I have spent my life questioning why me? Why and how do I always end up in these situations? Finding this forum has been a HUGE help in opening my eyes to what was happening. I wish I had been the one that had the strength to walk away but I was just in too deep to do that, not without the push.
I too have found myself giggling and just beaming at random moments. I am holding onto that feeling. It's nice to feel some genuine joy for once.
I am soaking up any and all information I can. I am determined to not be unprepared or caught off guard by people like that ever again. I am not signing up for misery.
I follow a licensed T who specialises in NPB and NA and she said that the other day, 'If you let them talk, they will tell on themselves.' As I sit now and think back, he did, so many times. I just wasn't listening closely enough. Well now I am and I can hear it loud and clear. 3 year olds are more honest than these people.
Armee thank you for that. I will definitely give that a read. I am regularly being amazed at how textbook his behaviour has been. I always thought I was quite knowledgeable about all of this but you really can't see it when you're in it.
Unfortunately, he is coming back at the weekend. Why I thought that on this occasion he would stick to what he said, I will never know.
He wasn't able to take all of his stuff due to having to get the van back, he also had a long drive back and needed to unload. But for me, he knew all of this. He knew he couldn't come until the afternoon as we both wanted to make sure my son wasn't home whilst all of this was going on. He also chose to park where the lift was broken down, so him and his Dad then had to hump everything down the stairs. I did inform him that the lift wasn't working, so that was his decision. It almost feels as if he made it harder for himself on purpose.
I have moved everything that was left, into my shed, which is also full of is belongings. This way when he comes back, he has no need to step inside my home.
He's also dragging his heels with changing his accounts so they are no longer linked to my email address and swapping his contract.
Now according to him, we have been separated for MONTHS! So why is all of this stuff still in my name? Why are you telling me you have done things that you clearly haven't done? He was the one that said he didn't want me anymore. He was the one who left for someone else. He's the one that didn't want the relationship. Yet, it feels like he is the one that is still clinging on. I just want him to go away now. Something he has been telling me to do for weeks. Now I'm gone, he's still maintaining these links.
Well, I'm not having it. He said this evening, that it will all be sorted between now and Friday. I have made it clear to him, if it is not sorted by the weekend, then I will be cancelling the contract, whether or not he has sorted what he needs to. I have also told him that I will contact the necessary companies and inform them that the account attached to my email does not belong to me. He wasn't best pleased by that but I'm not all that bothered. He had those things because we were in a relationship and I was helping my partner. That is now no longer the case and if we haven't been in a relationship for months, as he says, then surely he should have sorted all of this by now?
I have ZERO obligation to help him any longer and I'm not prepared to do so. You don't want me, then you don't have access to ANY part of me.
So, he isn't quite gone yet. But he certainly he will be by the weekend. One way or another.
Him clearing the bulk of his stuff has meant that I've been able to sort my sons bedroom. He now has a space all his own. He couldn't play in there before because of all of the stuff that was in there. Including bunk beds. I could never leave him unattended, it just wasn't safe for him to play. He also always wanted to rifle through everything which, he obviously couldn't do. He has the biggest room as when we moved in, we needed to be able to sleep four in there. So, he has this HUGE space that he can play in now. My living room is also now, no longer a play room, this has given me somewhere that I can chill out in now as well. So we both win. There are definite perks ;D
I'm just really hoping that my ex, gets the last of his stuff at the weekend, and just goes away. I am so ready for him to just go away. Will also be nice for my Mum too. She is the middle man at the moment. We communicate through her, this way, there can be no conflict. He can't poke and prod and push all those buttons.
I do wonder if he will find a reason to not take everything at the weekend too. I truly hope not. I will not be happy. The deadline I gave him was this weekend so, hopefully he will stick to that. I'll just have to see.
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It's done! Everything is gone!
I have felt a wonderous sense of freedom all day. To know that there is now, no reason why I have to see him again. He has no need to ever come back to my home. It was over and done with in an hour. So it didn't even impact my day really. It just feels amazing to know, I do not EVER have to deal with that again ;D
He did take all of his remaining belongings but as I suspected, it isn't all, quite, finished with. He was unable to sort out the phone situation today, apparently there was an error caused by his new provider and they need to restart the process. Whether that is true or not I don't know but I have been told it will be sorted by Tuesday. We will have to see. I haven't gone ahead and just cancelled it like I said I would as ,I cannot actually prove whether or not he is telling me the truth about the situation. If there is another excuse on Tuesday, then all bets are off and there will be no more extensions.
I spent some time in my room today, making it more mine. Years ago, I used to have a memory wall. It was full of cards and pictures and trinkets from throughout my life. I loved it and it always made me happy to sit and look at it, to remember good times. When I moved, I took everything down and stored it away, always intending to put them back up again. That was almost 11 years ago. This week, I pulled out the folder everything was in and I sorted through it. I picked out the things that I wanted, the things that resonated with me and set them aside. I also went through my sons artwork and picked out some of my favourite bits from there. Today, I began my new wall ;D I felt so peaceful and calm as I was sticking these things on my wall. It was nice to be flooded with good memories, positive memories for once. I needed that after the events of the last few weeks.
It's nice to have the reminders that not everything was terrible. There have been good times too. I'm hoping it will help remind me that there will be good times again.
I have put all of this on a wall that I face when I go to sleep. Sleep is such a problem for me and I'm wondering if, looking at something that evokes such positive emotions in me, will help me relax into sleep a bit easier. Maybe even help the frequency of my NMs. Even if it doesn't do that, when I wake up and my anxiety is through the roof and I'm not sure of where I am, I have something I can turn to. Something to help calm and ground me. You never know. I think it's worth a shot and judging by how I felt putting everything up, I really think it will have a calming effect on me. No matter what, I like it and that matters too.
It's going to take a while to get out of the habit of feeling like everything I do must have some sort of purpose, otherwise I'm wasting time. I'm not used to doing anything just for me anymore, so it feels sort of alien. It was super satisfying though. I realised whilst I was putting everything up, that without even realising it, I had a full explanation planned out in my head. I was already prepared for the questions. Questions that I had to remind myself weren't coming. I took a minute to just sit and look at my stuff. My jaw was really tightly clenched and my chest was tight. My anxiety about it had crept up without me even noticing. I moved past it pretty quick and just focused on all the positive feelings I was having. I feel like this is going to be regular sort of occurrence for a while. I have been so used to having to have an explanation for everything, or a reason for doing something. I'm so used to being looked down on for these sorts of things, for being made to feel silly for things I like. I expect that I will be triggered by a lot of things for a while. But at least now, I can honestly tell myself that, that is not going to happen again. Not now, not ever. I'm not that person anymore. That experience with him, is over.
It's so freeing to know that I truly am the master of my sea now. It's terrifying too as I have to learn to trust myself again, to trust my own decisions and choices. But they are MY choices and decisions, no one else's and no one can question them or make me question myself. I am regaining my control.
For the first time in, forever, I have plans for the future. I can honestly say I have some hope. I dictate what path I choose, where I go and who gets to go along with me.
I'm FREE!!! ;D :party: :fireworks:
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I'm hoping that now so much stress has been removed from my life, my brain might feel slightly less cluttered and I can focus a bit more. As that begins to happen I will start catching up on everyone's journals. I apologise for not interacting but it just hasn't been something I have been capable of.
Just know you are all always in my thoughts and always have my support :grouphug:
Hooray! I'm delighted for you.
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
That is so fantastic and the idea of your wall and you falling asleep looking at those lovely memories makes me feel SO HAPPY for you!
What an outstanding example of your creative genius guiding your voyage into the new seas you've dreamed about finding.
Congratulations!
:yes: :thumbup: :applause: :applause: :applause: :yes:
:grouphug:
I'm feeling proud of you.
MANY people are stuck in bad relationships, but not that many of us wake up so clearly and end them like you just did. And I feel like you've not only ended this relationship, but you've gained an ability to see through people like him now and won't likely ever let yourself slip into another one to replace him. That's why I'm so proud of you right now. You've been awakened to the games of the narcissist. And I LOVE your decree that he has until Tuesday to get the phone thing fixed. Hold that deadline. Creeps like him always use confusion to make you keep giving them stuff. "Oh but this..." "Oh but that..." It will go on for as long as you allow it to. And you aren't allowing it go on past Tuesday. You owe him...NOTHING!
Your memory wall idea sounds great. Reclaim your space. It's your home now. YOURS.
And if it takes a while to get his voice out of your head, that's okay. It took me about a year to get my family's judgmental, abusive voices out of my head. One thing I did, and this sounds so incredibly silly that it's really quite embarrassing to say publicly, but I think it's important so, here it goes. I went ahead and pretended my family was witches. They were inside my head because they had "mystical evil powers." I knew that wasn't true, but it's what it felt like. For 50 years, their unquenchable need to correct or judge or condemn everything I ever said or did, was so embedded in my head, that pretending they were witches was no stretch to my imagination. So, to exorcise these demons out of my head I would go into my bathroom, sit on the floor and pour a rim of salt in a circle around my body. I would sit inside this circle of salt, pretending I was safe. And I'm not kidding...it REALLY helped. I knew it was a game that I was playing with my imagination, but it truly gave me a sense of safety, and made a noticeable difference in how quickly I was able to get their voices out of my head. I'm a real believer in adding body movement to thought. By sitting in the circle of salt, exorcising their evil spirits out of my head, I was putting physical action to my thought process, and that always helps me learn. When I was a teacher, I kept toys on the tables so that the engineers in the classroom could fiddle with them while I taught. We called that kinesthetic learning. Your action of putting up your memory wall is a kinesthetic action that's helping your brain release the hold these narcissists have had over you for far too long.
Today, a decade later, I do still find myself remembering their abuse several times per day, but these days I don't let that stop me from doing things my way. Now, each time their voices try to mock me, I just look up toward the sky and say out loud, "Thank you so much for getting that B**** out of my life!" Usually, I even chuckle a bit. So their scars are still in my head, but I'm not controlled by them anymore.
I am excited to hear more success stories from you as we go into the future. As you put more and more distance behind you from people like him. No kidding, now that I can see what a narcissist is, they are losing all their control over me. Awareness is what it took to cure me from the next villain. I've been villain-free ever since. I hope the same for you!
I just opened a post from Dollyvee. She shares some really good youtube videos. I just watched this one, and it's PERFECT for people like us who will always feel anxiety around our narcissists. This is a really good video. Thanks to Dolly for sharing it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-vmKnOhdCH0
Loved reading the good news! The memory wall is such a huge thing, and I certainly resonated with the feelings you had putting it up - trying to justify spending time for yourself, like there's always something else more important you should be doing for someone else, like you had to have a reason for doing it. I'm glad you were able to take the time for yourself and build a resource for your self-care you can rely on going forward. Congratulations!
Hope you have a great week!
Thank you all again for your overwhelming support. This may be a virtual space but I feel like I am truly part of a community here :) It's always refreshing to come here and be reminded that there a good and genuine people in this world :)
Papa Coco what an amazing idea with the salt circle. I'm so glad that you were able to create a ritual to banish their voices. I don't know what will banish him but I'm sure I'll find a way. Thank you for sharing that link too. I will check it out.
Yesterday was a strange day for me. I was really emotional and I felt like I was grieving. I was bursting into tears at the slightest thing and I just didn't have any motivation to do anything. But it wasn't the loss of the relationship or anything else. I was mourning the loss of myself. Of who I was, who I could have been. The loss of all that time and energy that I invested into a fraud, that I invested into a life that could never be.
I've lost all my passion, all of my confidence and any sense of self worth that I had clawed back. I was never given the chance to recover from what I had been through previously before I was trapped in a different situation. He pulled me from one abusive situation, into his own. I didn't stand a chance.
But I really did feel like I was grieving the loss of someone so close to me. It was powerful. It's a real challenge when I'm struggling to regulate my own emotions and my sons are all over the place too. I wasn't on top form for him at all yesterday and it was tough for both of us.
Today has been better. We have finally been able to get out for a while, the weather has been so poor that we have been stuck indoors. Going for a walk and running a couple of errands lifted my mood immensely. Just the sun being out has helped. My emotions are less overwhelming today. We have both been able to cure that cabin fever we were feeling.
I know I need to take each day as it comes and some will be good and some, not so good. I'm hoping the not so good days will be easier to manage now though. I am able to let myself feel what I need to, to do whatever I need to, to get through that particular moment. I don't feel the pressure to be ok and hide that side of myself. If I need to cry I can and not feel silly for it. My son has shown me more compassion in some of those moments than I saw from my ex in well over a year. Says a lot about a person when a child under 5 has more compassion, in my opinion.
The mantra these days seems to be all about getting 'back to yourself'. That is something I don't want to do. I don't want to 'get back to myself', that person isn't real. She is a chameleon that is an expert at changing herself to fit in with others regardless of herself and her feelings and needs. An expert shape-shifter. I am instead, very much in the mindset of discovering myself. I have never had a true opportunity to really learn about me and who I actually am. I just want to spend my time being me, whoever she is. Hopefully it will be a fun experience ;D I just want to try and experience the world, for the first time ever, without any trauma. Without someone deliberately causing me harm or having insidious intentions.
I want to look at the world through my sons eyes, as if I am discovering it for the first time. In a way I am. I am hopefully entering a world I have never known before. One full of light and hope and happiness. This is where I will learn who I am, what I like and what I want and need.
It's scary because it's unchartered territory and I feel like I'm going in blind. But at least I won't be fumbling around in the dark this time. My eyes will be wide open, I see so much more clearly now.
I am so sorry to hear how much you were struggling yesterday.
I know this terrible feeling when all your confidence, self-worth, passion and hope suddenly leave your body all too well. I have been stuck in it for weeks when that incident happened which cost me not only my job but also the person I love. So, I just want to say that I really feel for you in this situation. It is a terrible thing to go through that can make it very hard to function.
That said, I do love your resolution of trying to see the world through your son's eyes. It is such a wonderful idea that speaks of hope and courage and I wish so much that you will indeed be able to find a world full of light and hope and happiness, the way you described. It's what you deserve and what your son deserves and so I hope that you will be able to leave the darkness behind and discover that there are better times waiting for you.
QuoteThe mantra these days seems to be all about getting 'back to yourself'. That is something I don't want to do. I don't want to 'get back to myself', that person isn't real. She is a chameleon that is an expert at changing herself to fit in with others regardless of herself and her feelings and needs. An expert shape-shifter.
When I was younger I used to love this mantra "finding a way back to yourself". It seemed to suggest that I could somehow undo all the pain and trauma I had experienced and rid my heart of all the scarred tissue that had build up around it through years of abuse. Now I understand that this isn't possible because the trauma is a part of me, whether I want it or not. The good and the bad are all part of my life, the same way as all emotions are part of my experience (whether they are labelled as positive or negative). So much like you I have stopped trying to find a way back to myself. This would just mean that some parts of myself are somehow "wrong" or "not okay" or "less worthy" but I don't want to keep thinking and acting like this any longer. It may have been what my parents made me believe or what a lot of new age gurus suggest, but I don't really think that is good advice. We are all wonderful, multi-faceted, complex beings and we deserve not only to discover and accept all the different parts of us but we also deserve to find that all of these parts hold miracles.
I don't remember where I read it (it might well have been on this forum) but somebody once said: all the things you dislike about yourself and that you call "vices" are really hidden strength, just with the volume turned up a little too high. So, rather than trying to cut these completely out of ourselves we should just try to explore them a little more so that we can adjust the volume and find their melody.
M&H - Thank you for the empathy and compassion. That was a hard day but things have been steadily improving for me as each day goes by :)
One of the things I struggle with, when it comes to the whole 'getting back to yourself' mantra is that for lots of people, like us here, there is no person to get back to. There was no 'us before', there is just what we had to be in order to survive.. For me, it is all about learning and discovering. Not re-learning and re-discovering. There is no me to get back to, no one has ever even met, me. I haven't. For some it will very much be the case of 'getting back to themselves' but for such a large chunk of people, that just isn't the case at all.
Quote from: milkandhoney11 on January 09, 2023, 07:58:55 PM
We are all wonderful, multi-faceted, complex beings and we deserve not only to discover and accept all the different parts of us but we also deserve to find that all of these parts hold miracles.
I love how you put this. Beautifully said. I am going to remember this when I'm feeling, less than worthy, shall we say.
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Everything went to plan on Tuesday, no problems at all. I am now completely and utterly....free!!!! And it feels just wonderful ;D
There has been a shift in my mindset and mood and everyday, I feel a little bit better. A little less emotional. I'm noticing all sorts of things as well. A lot of them to do with me being able to do what I want, without criticism, without worrying about upsetting someone.
I did a food shop yesterday and I ordered all the stuff that I want to eat, that I haven't been able to eat for a long time due to the people I have been in relationships with not liking the food. I haven't enjoyed cooking for a long time, it became a chore and a real challenge for me. I am honestly looking forward to trying out some new recipes and actually enjoying my food, for the first time in forever.
It's great noticing all these little things that are just making life a more pleasant experience but there is one feeling I cannot escape at the moment. Everything is peaceful, it's been peaceful for a few weeks now and I'm feeling less anxious
in general but, I cannot escape this sense, this fear that, at any moment the peace is going to be shattered. That it's all just going to fall apart and I'll realise that the peace wasn't real, just another illusion. That's the way it's always been. These moments of peace are just the calm before the next storm. I feel like I am waiting around for it all to go wrong. There isn't really anything that can go wrong if I'm honest with myself but that is what makes this feeling so frustrating. Logically I know this. The problems and stress were all stemming from my ex and now he isn't here, those have gone away but that doesn't stop me being constantly feeling like I need to be prepared for something to go wrong.
It's going to take some work and some time to get past that. Conflict, stress and aggression have been a constant throughout my whole life, it feels bizarre now that isn't the case. It almost doesn't feel right. I know that probably sounds really silly but that's the only way I can think to explain it. The lack of conflict seems, not wrong but definitely not right. It's very odd.
I've been making an active point over the last few days to really focus on some self-care. I haven't really looked after myself well for a little while now, I just haven't had the energy or motivation to do so. I have pushed myself to do these things even when I really haven't felt like it. Each time I am glad I did because ultimately, I always feel just a little bit better. I'm a little more productive every day, I'm sleeping a little better at night and just feeling a little more alert and less dissociative.
I'm just trying to enjoy the calm and the peace for now (especially as it feels so fragile). Really use this time to recoup from months of total emotional exhaustion.
Master of My Sea,
Congratulations on being totally done with him. I even feel uplifted here by what's happened with you there.
Your post of two days ago, Jan 9, hit me hard. As you may know, I just learned the word Weltschmerz. I've been doing some light reading on the topic.
The way I understand it,
Weltschmerz is described as a type of melancholy depression that comes over us when the world around us doesn't turn out the way we had expected it to.
In your post you say you are grieving the loss of yourself.
Weltschmerz is a big problem for me because I grieve the loss of the life I had expected to live.
When you say you don't miss him, but you grieve the loss of yourself, I wonder if what you're feeling is more like what I'm feeling. Now that I've gone No Contact with my entire family, I find myself depressed and grieving all the time—because I miss who I had believed they were right up until the end, which is when my eyes were opened and I saw them for the monsters they really were. My expectations of being loved in a big family caused my grieving. In reality they were never good people. But in my head and heart, I didn't see it that way until the end. Now I grieve, constantly, because I lost the people who I'd spent a lifetime pretending to belong with.
On the surface, it's confusing. Many times per day I look up to the sky and thank God above that those nasty monsters are gone forever. But in the same life, on the same day, I miss them terribly.
Weltschmerz fixes the confusion. I get it now. I'm depressed because I'm not living the loving, fun-filled life I had expected to live. I mourn the loss of people who never existed.
I think of it this way: I once put smiley faces on monsters and fell in love with the smiley faces. Then I left the monsters, and now I grieve the loss of the smiley faces. That's how this all makes sense to me now. I didn't really lose myself, I lost the life I thought I would be living.
I've always been lonely. Most people with C-PTSD feel lonely all the time. But when I was a part of that big nasty family, I could hide the loneliness and trick myself into believing I was a part of a big, loving group. With them gone I'm stuck with my loneliness now. I can't hide from it anymore. And the solution to go get them back is NOT a good solution.
My Weltschmerz goes beyond my FOO too. My retirement isn't what I'd hoped it would be. I had always planned on my retirement being filled with love and grandkids, and friends, and mall-walking groups, and breakfasts with friends every week.... Instead, I sit alone at the beach, usually on my computer or at the Jigsaw puzzle table.
Weltschmerz: I sit around the house feeling ashamed of myself for not having more fun. I'm not fulfilling my responsibilities to make my 60 years of expectations come to life. I'm not riding the bikes, playing in the kayaks, meeting friends for lunch or breakfast, holding big bbqs for family and friends. I feel ashamed of myself for not doing any of this. But that's the Weltschmerz talking. It's the melancholy depression that comes over me because my current life isn't matching my expectations of what it was supposed to be.
Those expectations were a part of me. They outlined the life I believed I was going to grow into. I have a great life and no reason to complain. But I need to get past my expectations and accept my family and friends and world for what they really are, not for what I had once hoped they would all be.
I wonder, if you think about it, do you think you are actually missing yourself, or is this more like Weltschmerz, where you're missing the fact that you didn't find the love you thought you'd found in your former relationships?
I know you're in a glorious position of being able to take over all the space in your house now. He's gone. His junk is gone. And your home is YOUR home now. And I know that there's wonderful excitement in that. But if it's not how you had expected to live, maybe that's why the grieving is happening. Raising a child alone is not what you had planned on doing. It's perfectly okay. It's WAY better than raising him with a nasty stepdad, but it's not what you were planning on doing all your life.
At first it seems confusing, that his leaving is a great thing, and yet it feels lonely. But when we think in terms of Weltschmerz, and how it is the act of grieving the loss of our expectations, then it makes perfect sense.
For me, I need to dig myself up and out of this depression. My first order of business is NOT to go and reestablish relationships with the nasty people who I tried for 50 years to love, but for me, really allowing the melancholy depression to be what it is, and, in my case, I need to stop owning it like it's who I am.
It's not who I am, it's a nervous condition that was brought on by my spending a lifetime of believing in false expectations, and now grieving the loss of the life I had thought I was going to live.
To end this in a positive light, I think you made a powerful good move getting him out of your home and your life. The MOMS who I know via these posts is a strong, intelligent, well-spoken woman with an amazing little man to raise. Having narcissistic stepdads NO LONGER in the picture is a great step forward for you and your little man. I hope you and I both, are able to find our way up and out of this grieving. Cutting the bad out of our lives is the right thing to do. We need to now allow ourselves to enjoy the new-improved, better life that we've finally given to ourselves.
I'm always excited when I find a label that fits what I'm going through. Learning this word, Weltschmerz, has given me some power over it. I'm going to bring it with me to my Tuesday Therapy appointment. Hopefully my therapist can help me find some resources to find a way to stop living in the false hope of lifelong expectations, and start actually enjoying the REAL world AS IT IS around me. My life is not bad. But I mourn like it is. That's because I'm mourning the life I had expected to have while struggling to enjoy the perfectly good one that's right in front of me right now.
We can do this! We have good lives.
Stupid old Weltschmerz.
Quote from: Master of my sea on January 13, 2023, 09:45:39 PM
I've been making an active point over the last few days to really focus on some self-care. I haven't really looked after myself well for a little while now, I just haven't had the energy or motivation to do so. I have pushed myself to do these things even when I really haven't felt like it. Each time I am glad I did because ultimately, I always feel just a little bit better. I'm a little more productive every day, I'm sleeping a little better at night and just feeling a little more alert and less dissociative.
I'm just trying to enjoy the calm and the peace for now (especially as it feels so fragile). Really use this time to recoup from months of total emotional exhaustion.
This sounds so great, and I am glad that you're able to enjoy some calm and peace, and recouping after the emotional exhaustion you've been through.
Hope :)
Hello Master of my Seas!
I love how you put it - 'learning and discovering'. I think so many of us with CPTSD effectively "turn off" our true selves to deal with the trauma we've been put through, and every day we had to do that makes it harder and harder to find that switch to get back to where we were. I find when I'm truly relaxed, and safe, and feel supported, I act almost childlike in a way - almost back to the age where I had to start hiding, as if my brain wants to pick up where it left off.
I also resonate with that uncomfortable feeling that at some point there's going to be a reckoning... it's a hard feeling to shake, especially if in the past those feelings of safety and trust have backfired and been turned around on you. I hope the next week goes well and you were able to have some delicious meals, guilt free :)
Hi everyone. I hope you are all safe and well.
I would like to apologise for my unplanned and unexpected absence. I ended up going down the rabbit hole and spiralling. Quite badly.
I completely withdrew, even from my Mum. It was a dark period and at times frightening. My symptoms were horrendous and I was hardly functioning. I had to stop journalling and come away from all things mental health for quite a while. I haven't started journalling again. I found myself fixating and obsessing over the fact that I just wasn't getting better. I think I made the right decision.
My son has been having a lot of behavioural issues that we have been trying to work thrrough. Fortunately his nursery is amazing and have been so supportive. They jumped into action when I asked for their help and made referrals whilst I did the same at home. We are slowly making some progress but at least the support is there.
I also ventured into an online game. I downloaded it just to give it a go and have ended up meeting some of the most amazing people, from all over the world. I talk to some daily and have made some really dear friends. It's amazing. Some days, and nights, I would be lost without them.
I had some really dark times and one person in particular has been wonderful. I realised that when I talk with them, I am unapolagetically myself. All my weird, quirkiness comes out and I'm not laughed at or made to feel sill for just being me. in fact it is celebrated and they join in. We are very similar. It's refeshing. I like the person that is emerging. She is fun.
I have spent a lot of time listening to music. One artist in partcular and I really want to share it with you. I have been listening to Citizen Soldier. He has PTSD and his music is all about his journey. He penned his first song, Let It Burn, when he was a patient in a psychiatric unit after a suicide attempt. His songs reflect not only the darkest of days but the healing days, the days we feel empowered. And the day we TAKE our power back! He has become an inspiration to me. He survived and not only that, he is LIVING!
Some songs that have really helped me (and some even saved my life some nights) are, Save Your Story, Sacred, Irreplaceable, Hallelujah (I'm Not Dead), Afterlife, Tattoos. If I can pass this on and he can help someone else like he has me, then he is succeeding in his goal to be a voice for our hidden stories.
I made a conscious decision a little while back, to no longer carry the shame that does not belong to me. to no longer let my life be poisoned by the anger and the hatred towards the people who have hurt me so. They will hold no power over me anymore. My life is mine for the VERY first time and the world is my oyster. Me and my boy can go anywhere and do anything.
Since that day, my symptoms have improved drastically. I am far less anxious, I haven't had a PA in weeks. FBs? Far less frequent and my recovery from them, shorter.
i feel like I am finally becoming myself and I'll be honest....I llike her!
i am not sure how regularly I will be posting but I hope that, although I know there will be bad days and I still have a journey ahead of me, I continue to carry this strength and confidence through those days and continue to remind myself, there is an end.
I refuse to be defined by my past any longer! :)
I am SO glad to hear from you.
I've missed you online.
I believe, with you, that your absence was appropriate. You took care of yourself, and you're taking care of your little man. Having you come back and give us this report of your wellbeing is a gift. Thank you. And congratulations on finding all those new friends online via the game you downloaded.
I hope you get a nice stretch of happiness now. And I hope the best for your son. I know how difficult it is to help and support a child who acts out. They don't understand it themselves, so they don't know how to ask for help. I'm so glad to hear you've got a daycare that helps you with helping him, rather than just telling you to take him out and bring him back when he gets better. It takes a village to raise a child. And you have found supportive people to help raise your little man.
I'm sorry for the darkness you just went through. It sounds like it was pretty intense. But for now, welcome back. Thanks for posting. You've given me something to smile about today.
Papa Coco I have to say it's lovely to your name! I have thought of you often and hope you are well.
I agree, my absence and isolation was exactly what I needed. And with nobody pushing me and forcing me to interact with the world before I was ready, I have been able to do some real work on myself in that time. People often immediately think that isolation is bad and sometimes it is, but sometimes it is completely necessary.
I am dealing with some stressors, that previously would have really messed me up. My anxiety would have been through the roof and I would have been at panic stations. Yes it is still stressful but I feel more able to deal with that stress. Again there isn't anyone making it worse and not allowing me time to process and think of how to handle things properly. And I can be stressed, I don't have to pretend that I am not to make someone else feel better all the time. It's allowing me to actually feel and process my emotions instead of them getting ontop of me and out of control.
My life is very stagnant at the moment, I don't do very much. Yet, I feel so much more free than I have ever felt. I have no one physically around me but I don't feel lonely in the same way as I did. Do I miss having company? Sure. But sometimes no company is the better, safer option.
I had a member of my family reach out to me this week. I have to say, I haven't even opened their message. I feel bad because that has probably hurt them but I am not ready for that conversation or to rekindle that relationship. I may not ever and they will have to respect that, if that is the decision I make. I will not let anyone ever guilt me into doing something I don't want to again. No matter how much they have helped me throughout my life. I refuse to be a slave to the judgements of others. It was a very nice message I recieved, just not one that I wanted to respond to.
I am still struggling with sleep, regularly being awake for veery long stretches of time but at least I'm not having nightmares when I do sleep. Things are far from perfect and I still have a long way to go but I'm making progress all the time and that's what matters.
It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on a pretty difficult time in life. I'm sorry to hear about the stressors but encouraged to hear how you're dealing with them.
I'm SO glad to hear you feel free to be yourself, regardless of people saying you "should" do this, or you "should" do that.
There's a popular saying here in the US right now. "You be you. I'll be me." It fits well here.
If anyone from my family of origin ever tries to contact me in any way, I plan to not respond, no matter how innocent their connection is. For one thing, the narcissists in the center of my FOO would find out someone had contact with me, and that would put me back on their radar. The sociopaths/narcissists in my family used gossip, lies, behind-the-back rumors to make everyone gang up on just one person. It's like it was a sport to them. So I'd be attacked by innocent relatives who believed the lies that were told about me so often that I now never want any of my relatives to ever talk to me again.
I've been lied to and I've been lied about. The lies about me did the most damage. I have a statement that I made up: If just ONE family member breaches my hull, the whole family will flood in and sink my ship. So screw them all. They once made me feel like it was me against all of them, and today, I am holding to that. They are all dangerous. So they are all blocked.
I walked away. It's done. No go-backs for me.
I'm in full support of everything you said in this post. And I keep you in my thoughts often and hope that you are doing well.
Sometimes I think that after we turn away from our old lives of being everyone's bi$$h, there is a reasonably long stall where we just lock ourselves away and heal. One day, when we feel as far away from the past as we'll get, our new life, and our new social group will form. It'll happen when we're ready.
So for now: You be you. I'll be me.
:hug: :hug: :hug:
I think I have just finally gotten tired of trying to be something and someone I'm not. I'm tired of being tired. Why shouldn't I be allowed to discover who I am and be myself, just like everyone else? Well I've decided I am allowed and the person emerging is strong and empowered. She is freely quirky with people and is far less afraid of holding boundaries. She is the person that all of those who have hurt me, were afraid of. She is who they kept down and buried for years and now I'm setting her free.
Even my refelction is changing to me. For years I have looked in the mirror and seen 15 year old me. The girl so lost and alone. So afraid and with no one to truly turn to. I still don't see the almost 30 year old woman but I don't see the teenager anymore. I don't feel that way, or not as intensly as I did. My perspective of myself is slowly changing.
I feel I am developing a routine to help handle things when I am triggered. I am less reactive. Today has been a prime example. a couple of friends made a 'joke' about domestic violence, followed by a ptsd comment. Now I did not find this funny and I made that perfectly clear! I hate this. Even without my own history, 'jokes' like that are never appropriate and are always in poor taste, in my opinion. Unfortunately, what was said pretty much described my situation at times and triggered some FBs. Now, a few months ago, I would have likely completely lost my temper with them and ended up having a PA and being in a real state. Today, I was able to voice my displeasure in a calm way and then remove myself from the situation and go and do what I needed to do, to get through the FBs.
I'll admit, I feel very drained this evening and quite numb. But I know and accept it as what it is. Part of my process. I am not a nervous wreck like I usually am. And now I have systems and routines in place to help me get through. It doesn't change the unpleasantness of it all but it certainly makes dealing with it easier.
I listen to music daily now. It's become a therapy to me. I am enjoying my type of music and have a friend now that has the same taste as me. So we often share music with each other and is regularly a topic of conversation with us. It's just another small thing that I haven't been able to do for years and I am thoroughly enjoying getting back in touch with music that is important to me. Also being introduced to artists previously unkonown to me.
It is truly amazing the things we take for granted without realising. The simple act of listening to music I enjoy has been lost to me for so long that now I have it back, I couldn't imagine not being able to again. It has given me a stronger appreciation I think.
I am trying to get into a routine of, once or twice a week, ensuring I take time out to do something creative. I find I am at my calmest when I am drawing, painiting or knitting. These are moments of genuine peace, where my mind stops racing and I just lose myself in what I am doing. It has been a challenge at times because I try and push myself to do these things during an episode. These are times I need the calm the most but, they are also the times I find it hard to do something for myself. I usually don't feel 'worthy' in these moments and undeserving of peace.
Tonight I am going to do some drawing. Try and draw my attention away from dwelling on the FBs. I may be able to, I may not. If I can't then so be it. At least I came on here and released some thoughts. Some form of self care has been done :)
I still have to remind myself that me time is important, especially on days like today.
So with that i am going to sign off. I send you all love and support and would like to gently remind you, you have survived 100% of your worst days. You've got this and you are not alone :hug:
Thank you for sharing your journey and healing.
I find your kindness, gentleness and acceptance of yourself admirable.
Wishing you more of what you have found that works for you.
:hug: virtual hug if that is acceptable to you, If not please disregard.
I'm so happy to hear you are still feeling very strong and are working to be unapologetically yourself. :cheer:
Your words here are inspiring and touching, Finding and embodying your authentic self is the greatest gift you can possibly give to yourself, and to the world around you.
I liken it to us here being superheroes, giving our lives over to protecting and helping others, while wearing disguises so no one knows our true identities. We're not always loved for who we are, but for what we can do to help others.
Noble as that sounds, superheroes are shielded. At the end of the day, they take off their capes and masks and sit alone, knowing nobody even knows who they are.
There is a lot of life and energy in your post as you talk about how you can see a more adult, more evolved reflection of yourself in the mirror. You're giving yourself permission to draw and listen to music and just be yourself, doing what you enjoy doing, rather than once again putting on the mask and cape and looking for people to help...people who, in many cases, need to start doing those things for themselves.
I pray, every day, all day, now for only one thing: I want to be happy. Period. No conditions, no suggestions. As I focus on only one thing, becoming authentically happy, my eyes and ears are picking up on messages all around me, telling me in various ways, that becoming unapologetically who I really am, is where I will find that happiness.
At 62 years old, I'm still pretty confused as to who I really am. I don't easily see the difference between my authentic self and my superhero self. I struggle to separate responsibilities from pleasures. Sometimes I'm helpful to others because I truly want to be. Other times, I'm helpful to others because I feel obligated. Fear of being judged as a bad person because I didn't help someone do something they could have done for themselves. I like being helpful, but sometimes I help under duress. Not as much now as I used to, but I'm still separating my true self from my superhero persona.
I'm glad you didn't wait to be my age before starting to accept yourself for who you really are. I hope you get to live many decades without having to put on the cape and mask anymore. Even at my age, it's not too late, but when it comes to finding inner joy and happiness and self acceptance, the sooner we can get started, the longer we get to enjoy not having to wear the cape anymore.
I'm excited for you.