Master of my Seas Journal

[woodsgnome]

Hi, Master of my Seas.

Good wondering, albeit if you have to give ol' icr credit for the excessive worry about what's right on OOTS.

As you've found, there's lots to wade into here. Maybe some it is from years ago (OOTS only goes back to 2014), but much of it hits deep on various topics and, IMO, are worthy to be selectively read as there are nuggets all over. Much of it was commented on at the time of posting, but the inspiration, wondering, or just expressions often stand by themselves.

I had a pattern once I started to hang back, but found myself drawn into opening up more. Partly I hesitated (and still do) given the task of trying to adequately explain some things which are very nuanced and particular to my situation.

Still, I found myself surprised to find some topics that seemed to draw my need to say something. Early on I was especially prone to long posts, then they leveled off in a while.

Much of the leveling off had to do with my own recognition of when my 'overwhelm' was in danger of flooding my mind. I mean, I'd find it difficult to sleep after reading some of the entries on here, yet they pulled at me strongly. Here, after all, the talk isn't pedantic self-help, but trying to make sense of things that probably never will make one iota of sense.

On the other hand, even it some of the topics make one feel helpless, they at least point out that we're not alone either 

So I guess my point is to encourage your browsing, commenting when you feel pulled to do so, and not worry particularly much about others reactions to your outlook. We all have unique viewpoints. One thing I've learned is to be willing to be surprised by what gets said, and especially by what my reaction(s) might be like. And, often, though I find some topics of intrigue, I also feel very unqualified, say, when current family matters are in the mix, as I literally pulled the plug on FOO decades ago.

Alright, hope this made some sense.

[Armee]

When I joined this forum maybe a couple years ago I did not get through all the old posts so I personally like it when new members find old posts and surface them back up by posting in them. Then I get to see something I may have missed.

[Master of my sea]

dollyvee - Thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
My ICr won this one for a little while. I've stayed off the forum for a few days because I just couldn't bring myself to log on. It's been a real battle but I think I am slowly regaining my ground. I've logged on and replied on here, so I consider that a win today
  As for the long posts, yes, I am pretty new and I'm trying so hard to not over-post lol
I've always been sooo long winded when I talk, like you say, it's that need to make sure I am understood and also that I haven't offended/upset anybody. I often go off on different tangents as well. I struggle with clarity of thought. It was an issue when I was in therapy because I would go all over the place. It's a real challenge for me to stay on track. Especially with all of this.
I can appreciate how lots of long posts can be taxing if you're a moderator and how they can be too much for some people.
Hopefully I'll find my balance soon

woodsgnome -

Much of the leveling off had to do with my own recognition of when my 'overwhelm' was in danger of flooding my mind. I mean, I'd find it difficult to sleep after reading some of the entries on here, yet they pulled at me strongly. Here, after all, the talk isn't pedantic self-help, but trying to make sense of things that probably never will make one iota of sense.

Thank you for saying this. It has given me pause to think that maybe some of my posts have come from being overwhelmed at the time of writing and just not realising it.
I too find some posts difficult and can struggle with sleep after reading but have this undeniable pull to them. I feel more connected here than I have ever felt. Like you say, we are all just here trying to make sense of things that will never make sense. Every word we read is genuine and full of emotions and history and some posts can just resonate so strongly. I'm hoping that I will find the courage now to post on those ones that I am pulled towards.

Armee - Thank you for the encouragement and saying that you appreciate it when old posts resurface Everyone has been really encouraging and I hope that I can take the courage and strength from that to tell my ICr next time, to pipe down as dollyvee said

[Armee]

It's been a really good lesson  for me to know:

- it's OK to say too much.
- it's OK to come and find you have nothing to say and to just say hi
- it's OK to just post in your own journal if you can't reply to others
- it's OK to take a break short or long from the forum (there's a section for letting people know you are taking a break)

Just in general, it's OK. Sometimes I say too much and too triggering and sometimes I don't know what I am doing and forget a trigger warning because I'm just overwhelmed. But I have learned that this is a place for people to learn and practice what they need and how to keep themselves healthy while getting and giving support here.

Glad you have come back today.

[Master of my sea]

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I have avoided the forum for a few days. I have been in a battle with my ICr and my ICr has been winning. I've had some company this week and I realised this evening, being on my own, that I was using that as my reason as to why I hadn't come on here. I could have logged on during the day, when it was just me and my son. I didn't. Having company was not the reason at all, it was an excuse. The real reason was I didn't want to see any responses to my posts. My ICr had me convinced they would be negative! HA! How wrong it was. I consider the fact that I have not only logged on this evening, but engaged too, as a win for me against that mean sod. I am regaining a little bit of ground. This has given me a little boost this evening. I'm currently riding the waves of an EF that was triggered last night. So to have this little victory is huge for me this evening.

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I ended up having a really bad night last night. I had something occur that hasn't happened in quite some time and whilst it has always been triggering, I have always been able to manage it. Last night, I didn't. I think because it has been so long since it has happened and the fact that my ICr has been shouting at me for days, so my mood has been fairly low, made it hit me harder.
I became incredibly tearful and irritated. I think I could have been described as very defensive too. I was verging on a full-blown panic attack but I managed to ground myself enough to stop that. I was also being hearing from my company that there was no need for me to be so upset, it had happened many times before and I hadn't reacted like this, come on calm down. All sorts like this. All said with the very best intentions but absolutely no understanding, that alone was infuriating as this person knows a lot of my history. Like I say, all intentions were good and they meant well and wanted to help but I felt like my feelings were being minimised.
What I did next surprised me, even in the emotional and precarious state I was in, I very clearly asked them to stop minimising my feelings and try and understand why I was as upset as I was! What!? I never do this. I always 'calm down and chill out' so the other person/people feel more comfortable. I then said I needed a minute and took myself off to go through my calming rituals and gather myself (somewhat). I never do this, I normally just try and bury what I'm going through whilst around people (not always successfully). As much as I am feeling all sorts of horrible, disgusting things right now, I don't really like myself very much at the moment and I know I'm riding the wave, I am clinging onto that little bit of strength that I showed. Maybe this is a little sign of a shift occurring in me, or maybe it was just a moment but wither way I'm glad that I found my voice enough to say what I did.

I ended up having horrible nightmares and have spent most of my day spaced out and in my own world. There have been flashes of images/memories and my body feels like it stuck in a moment that happened a few years ago. I have really struggled to be present today and I know my patience is short. I'm just a bit all over the show. I know I have to ride it out but I'm already so tired, dealing with this too seems like a monumental task.
I think that's partly why I really pushed myself to log on and engage tonight. Here I feel connected to people who understand. Even if I hadn't posted, just logging on and having a read can help. My company has gone so it's just me this evening and I don't think that was necessarily going to be helpful. I know this is a virtual space but I always feel a little less alone and a little less scared when I am here. I'm glad I logged on and I'm glad I engaged. This feels like a positive step when usually I just sort of disappear at moments like these.

[Armee]

It is so hard to feel like we have the right to stand up for ourselves. I am very proud of you for doing that and for not minimizing yourself for the comfort of your guest. Those breakthroughs come with backlashes which you were feeling last night. In the beginning a step forward and we get whipped. That does get better in time. Good for you for coming here tonight. 

[Master of my sea]

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I don't know how this is going to go. I don't know if I will manage to get out what I need to. I'm going to give it a go, I might not even hit post. I'll have to see when I get to the end. If I do post, I will be making the bulk of the text white, so no one has to read it if they don't wish to.

TW - SA

I have recognised over the last week, that my mood has been very up and down and my anxiety all over the place. I couldn't figure out why. I have been having nightmares most nights and have been getting triggered really easily. Then there was the event the other night that triggered me really badly, I have been dealing with the resulting EF ever since. But I was lying in bed last night and it all clicked! Big old lightbulb moment. Actually, it hit me like a train. It's Remembrance Weekend.
For the first time in 3 years I have acknowledged, out loud, that this weekend is hard for me. For 3 years I have buried my feelings and battled my triggers alone, not wanting to upset anyone and understanding how important this weekend is for a lot of people. It used to be important to me too but due to an event in the summer of 2019, anything Army related now really messes me up. I can't look at a poppy or see a soldier in uniform without feeling sick and furious and disgusting and ashamed. Scared. I feel scared too....wow....I wasn't expecting that to come out.
I couldn't watch anything to do with the Queen's funeral because if I see a bearskin, that's it, I'm done. It's very likely to trigger a  PA if I don't ground myself fast.

For a while, I was surrounded by people in the Army. I was dating a soldier and spent virtually all my free time with him on barracks. I felt like a Queen, he was wonderful and we had so much in common and I was just on cloud nine. Looking back it was a total whirlwind. We were having so much fun and he made me feel so amazing that I was blind to how fast things were moving, I was just so caught up and so in love. I thought he felt the same. Very quickly I became aware of certain habits he had and if I'm honest I was surprised at how rife it was within the Army. Blew my mind that these lads were doing what they were and getting away with it. Honestly I was so caught up in him, I shrugged it off. He could be using far more than he is, it's not that often...all the excuses. When I think back now, I'm floored by my own stupidity. After everything I had already been through in my life and I just seemed to ignore every single red flag. Within months of meeting this man I was almost £2000 in debt because I was paying for an awful lot of what we did. (I never paid for his habit though) He even 'got me a present' once, but he used MY credit card to pay for it. So I got myself the gift really.
Almost all of my free time I spent with him and his friends. I was either at work or with him. Unless he was on duty. That became my life for a good while.

Then before I knew it, I was pregnant. Before this relationship, I was very much in the headspace of not wanting children. I was young and some of my siblings had kids. I enjoyed being the fun Aunty. I wasn't looking to have my own but here I was, pregnant and surprisingly excited. (Now please understand, I love my son and wouldn't change having him. He is my whole world, but that was my mindset at this point in time) In a matter of months and I mean about 4 months of us meeting and dating, I'm pregnant! It's like I wasn't thinking. I have always been sensible, but he managed to convince me to not use protection and he then wouldn't wait until I was on a contraceptive. Huge red flag!....Ignored! I make myself so angry.
Not long after I found out I was pregnant, we found out he was getting deployed for 4 months overseas. I was devastated and scared. I just found out we are having a baby and now he isn't even going to be around for 4 months! Cue panic.
It was all completely downhill from there. Everything just got worse.

Whilst he was deployed I had all sorts of issues at work. We had an incredibly toxic manager and it got to the point that about 5 of us said that if he didn't leave then we would because we couldn't take it anymore. It was so bad that he knew I was pregnant but still insisted I continue my usual jobs. My job was very physical at the time and this man had me humping huge, heavy boxes around and climbing up and down ladders with stock. I ended up having to go and get checked out due to pain and bleeding. I told them what was going on and they informed me that what was happening was a threatened miscarriage and if I didn't stop then I was at risk of losing my baby. I took that info straight to the relevant people and made it clear that I would not put myself or my unborn child in any more danger. Ultimately due to the multitude of complaints he was removed.
Some time passed and things were pretty chilled until a couple of months later. My partner was due to be coming home in about a month or so and I was getting excited, I was looking rather pregnant at this too. I was woken up in the early hours one night by a message on my phone. Another woman had messaged me with screenshots of conversations with my partner. This was not 2 friends having a chat. I was devastated and wish I had stuck to my guns and left him then. But he convinced me it was a one off and wouldn't happen again. He lied. A few weeks later, I was woken again in the early hours by another woman messaging me with screenshots. This one, she was pregnant as well and when she realised he had a pregnant partner, she told me straight away. I was crushed. But again he convinced me to stay. Both times I also had his mother in my ear telling me that I had to think about our baby and they were just silly mistakes. This is the same woman who later stole my brand-new pregnancy pillow and claimed it was lost in the mail. Until I found it behind her sofa. Her son just laughed it off. A friend ended up lending me theirs.
Everything was happening so fast. I had to move out of where I was living and had nowhere to go so ended up living in my sisters bedroom for a couple of months. The last month of my pregnancy was incredibly traumatic (that is a story for another day). Then within 6 weeks, I had a baby, got married and moved into a new house. BOOM! I was a mess. Once we got into that house, he changed.

We argued all the time, he was always drunk. Always out and lying about where he was. I was miserable and lonely. He ended up joining a club and I joined shortly after. I was trying so hard to make things work but it just wasn't. We had reached a point that when I told him it was over, he would tell me that if I left him, he would kill himself. There is so much to this but I feel like I am now putting off getting to the reason for this post. I'm rambling a bit.

I thought I had found some real, genuine friends. For the first time. I was finally starting to feel a bit better. What I didn't realise was that I was actually spiralling, I was drinking heavily and being reckless. Behaviour that truly makes me embarrassed and hate myself now. It was not like me at all but there wasn't anybody around me, that knew me well enough to notice and to try and help. I was in a new town, away from everyone I knew, surrounded by, effectively strangers. In amongst this new group were a lot of soldiers. From all different regiments of the Army. Most of them were lovely, childish, but lovely people. But there was one, he was King of the castle. Everyone adored him, he was the backbone of the place. Highly respected and everyone's friend. I got on with him famously and he....well let's just say it would appear that I was selected. He seemed to take a particular interest in me. I would walk in and he would stop what he was doing and walk across the room to come give me a hug. He didn't do that with anyone else. He always seemed to know where I was at all times. I say all this now in hindsight and with hours of therapy to help me understand. I didn't notice any of this at the time.

(This is it....here goes)

There was one night. I don't exactly remember when, just that it was the end of August. There was something happening at the club, again I can't remember what, but everyone was there. We were all having a drink and a laugh, I'd had a few but not enough to explain what happened. I have very little memory of this night, it gets to a point and it just...stops. Black, nothing until the following morning. The last thing I remember was saying goodbye to my friends, they were heading off somewhere else. That just left me, my H and this other man. I remember the fairy lights, really clearly. But there is nothing else. This makes me doubt myself all the time. Did this happen? Did I make it up? But then why would I? I have had nothing but trauma from this.

After saying goodbye to those leaving, I have no memory until the following morning when I woke up in bed. I was in bed with no idea how I got there and in only my underwear. As soon as I opened my eyes, I knew something was wrong. I felt disgusting and I hurt. I was so sore. I got up and walked into the bathroom. What I saw, I can't describe how it made me feel. I really can't. I sorted myself out and walked back into my bedroom. I remember just standing and looking at the bed, at my H. He woke up then and when he looked at me, I asked him what had happened last night. His answer still makes me feel sick and angry and just so disgusting. He told me, we had a threesome, and that it was all my idea. I think I shut down a bit at that point. I told him I couldn't remember anything and that I was sore. He just kind of shrugged it off and then told me that I couldn't say anything to anyone. I had to keep it to myself. I think I just said ok and walked back into the bathroom and took a HOT shower.
The next time I saw the other man, we were walking past each other and he said to me, 'Remember, not a word', he put his finger to his lips and kept walking. I felt sick. I knew that what I had been told was not what happened. I couldn't remember anything, but my body was telling me EVERYTHING. And boy was it screaming at me, my skin was crawling!

I was so angry with myself and still am in lots of ways but my last T worked really hard to show me how this scenario actually went. He believes that this other man, this wasn't his first assault. He knew exactly what he was doing. He was a wolf in sheep's clothing, and he handpicked me due to my vulnerability at the time and how easily he could influence my H. My T believed that I was almost used as part of a transaction, I was my H's ticket into his good graces. My T believes I was drugged, due to the complete lack of memory and I know I hadn't drunk enough to 'black out'.

What I really struggle with is the fact that these men were soldiers. My H part of an old and proud regiment and the other man, he was military police and fairly high rank too! These were people I should have been able to trust with my lives and they betrayed that trust in the most horrendous way. I used to have such respect for the Army but now...now I have seen it's dark and ugly underbelly and it's terrifying!
So now every year on this weekend, I am plagued by sensations and emotions that I can't place. I will randomly feel the wood of a table, under my fingers tips. Like my hand is on it. I see the fairy lights, there is more but those are just a couple of examples. My skin crawls and I want to scrub it off. Then there are the nightmares and shivers, the list could go on. I have taken great efforts to hide all of this up until now but If I keep hiding, I am never going to move past it. But how do you heal from something that you don't even remember, something you doubt yourself on all the time because of your own stupid behaviour?

I'm sorry this is so long but I needed to put this somewhere and here seemed safe.
There is so much more to this and I am amazed that I have written this much. I am going to stop here though as right now I need to get my body under control.

People can be so needlessly cruel.

[Armee]

 

Gentle hug. Many of us share this time of year in common and relate to what you describe. It is hard to write what you did. I'll say what others here have said to me as I deal with the same gaps doubts and struggles to heal something that's remembered by the body only.

I believe you
They were evil
It is not your fault
I understand you
You are not alone

[dollyvee]

Hi MOMs,

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It's so hard to think that other people target you because you are vulnerable when you've already been through a lot growing up. I feel like that sometimes and it can be a very dark place, but I also think you sound very strong and capable of handling it well.

Sending you support,
dolly

[paul72]

Sending support Master of my Seas
I am so sorry that happened to you... that is just so horrible

[Master of my sea]

Thank you Armee, Dolly and Phil.
Your words mean a lot
I wish I could say more but I'm in a pretty rough place today and the words are not coming easily.

Thank you again for the kindness, support and belief.

[Papa Coco]

MOMS,

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's a sad, sad commentary on the "men" who serve our countries.

I am impressed by your candid and open report of what happened and how it happened. You said that you need to stop hiding it if you want to get past it, and, to me, that seems like the right sentiment.  You've got a safe and loving place here on the forum to be so open. I'm very glad you're taking this step.

What your H and this other loser did TO you was wrong, wrong, wrong on EVERY scale. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Every ounce of the shame of these events belongs squarely on those to little pigs.  As a man I can't even understand HOW these dinks felt like they had to do what they did.

Please know that I feel great empathy for you and your situation. Drugs are so commonly used in cases like this. I suspect they were used on me when I was just a little boy too because the blackouts I used to endure at school were similar to the one you talked about: One second you're somewhere and a few seconds later you wake up somewhere else. No memory of even feeling tired. Anyone who would do that to another human being is too evil to trust with anything ever again.

I'll keep you in my thoughts for the next few days as you go through this EF. Please stay in touch and let us know how you're doing each day.

I wish I knew more to say. Just know that your story has touched my heart and I'll be watching your posts with a little extra care for the next few days.

Big, safe, virtual, no-touch hug for you: 

[Master of my sea]

Hi Papa Coco,

Thank you for your kind words and I can truly feel the support and care from everyone. It's a comfort to me right now.

What your H and this other loser did TO you was wrong, wrong, wrong on EVERY scale. You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Every ounce of the shame of these events belongs squarely on those to little pigs.  As a man I can't even understand HOW these dinks felt like they had to do what they did.

You sound so much like my last T He used to say this to me often. It's something I really struggle with. My rational brain knows this but I battle daily with the shame and guilt that my own behaviours at the time somehow led to this.

I shocked myself with what I wrote and I have battled the anxiety linked to that too. It's the first time since my therapy ended that I have really spoken about it at all.

I am feeling fragile and odd. I have allowed my body to do what it needs to for the first time and it has been overwhelming at points. But also freeing.

I have had an invite to go away for the night and have accepted. I was going to say no but I think having some company will do me good and getting away from all of this history too. I live very close to where all of this happened so I think getting away for a little while will be helpful and calming. I can go and sit on the beach for a while and just watch the waves.

Thank you for the safe, no-touch hug. I appreciate that a lot 

[Papa Coco]

Hi MOMS.

I hope you truly enjoy your weekend. I live near an ocean beach. I find myself on the sand a lot just staring out at the sea or walking or riding a bike on the ocean's edge. Something about being there really opens up my brain and heart. I hope you find the beach to be as healing for you.

You said something I really want to address. You said "You sound so much like my last T He used to say this to me often. It's something I really struggle with. My rational brain knows this but I battle daily with the shame and guilt that my own behaviours at the time somehow led to this."

This makes me want to very clearly say to your rational brain that I've seen many people in my lifetime abused in ways you report. In hindsight you can see where you made choices that led you to the abuse, but that's because hindsight removes all mystery. During the time that you were practicing the behaviours that led to your abuse, you did NOT NOT NOT have the benefit of hindsight. Those two thugs were playing out their sick game of control and you were someone they intentionally targeted. Without hindsight, you had no idea what you were being tricked into doing.  I say this because I want you to know that this was not about you. MILLIONS of people have been tricked, groomed, and drawn into these criminal events all the time. This was NOT about you! This was not about ANY of the other people who've been attacked the same way you were. This is about a very bad behavior of those two nasty, lying, tricking, thieving pieces of garbage who have probably done the same thing to mutiple other women.

Almost every single female I've ever met who joined the military has told me about being raped by her own fellow soldiers while serving. What I want to say to you is that you are not a deserving target. This sort of thing happens to PhD's, and scientists, and cops, and wealthy people, and poor people, and children, and adults, and the elderly, and even grown men...There are predators who will do this to anyone, no matter how intelligent or strong or wealthy or well protected.

You did not know that these two thugs were planning to do this to you. Very few victims of this crime ever do know it's coming. These pigs use trickery to get us to behave how they want us to so they can take what is ours and leave us thinking we "willingly gave it to them." I don't personally believe in the presence of a "heII" but I often HOPE there's one because HeII is not for victims who were tricked into being attacked. HeII, if it exists, is for your H and his friend who leveraged your desires for love and connection and used your goodness against you.

I'm having a bit of a new problem with my connection to my writing. I don't feel like I am really writing coherently. IFS is changing how I connect with my Exiles and Protectors and Core Self, and somehow or another I feel like my writing isn't making any sense. My goal with this post is to be sure you know that what happened to you is something that can happen to anyone and that feeling like this was, in any way, your fault, is like saying it was your fault that an earthquake cracked the foundation in your home. You are NOT responsible for what happened, and you are NOT the only person on earth who has ever been tricked by trash like your H and his friend.

I hope the spirit of my message is obvious in the writing. If what I say makes no sense, let me know and I'll keep trying to say it in a way that makes sense.

[Hope67]

Hi Master of my Seas,
I would also like to extend a gentle hug (if that's ok) to you and I read what you wrote in the white writing, and I believe everything you wrote, and feel that the people were bad to you, and it shouldn't have happened.  I am so sorry that you experienced that. 

I wish I had better words.

Hope