ch. 6 - beyond the past

[sanmagic7]

i began the re-scripting process this morning.  it was for 6 mos. to 2 yrs.  i chose to do it on the portch, in the cabin where it was safe for toddler me to crawl around and eventually walk around, that space was safe and there were lots of chairs and the couch to crawl up on, plenty of space to explore.  and when my M was with me, she told me that i was no bother, that she was glad i was in her life, that she didn't care if i was sad or mad or happy and that she never wanted me to be in pain.  and we laughed together, and she told me the house was clean enough, that she'd rather be spending time with me.

and my F took me to the beach, told me i was his little girl, that i was beautiful, that he was so glad i was there and that he'd never leave me no matter what, no matter how i felt, he'd always protect me and i never had to be afraid he'd leave me.  and we played in the sand together, and had fun, and he sat me down at the edge, and i got scared when a wave hit me, and he picked me up and put me in his lap, told me he had me, i was ok and safe, and eventually i was able to sit by the water again and a little wave came and i wasn't scared.

and my sister was born when i was 22 mos. old, and my mom shared her with me, asked me if i would help her, that this was someone else we would all love, and that sometimes the baby would need extra time, but she'd make sure she still had time for me and she held us together in her arms, crooned over us, her 2 little girls, how beautiful we were.  and she was happy and smiling.  and my F also held us together and told us how beautiful we both were and that he loved us.

then she disappeared and my F told me how proud he was of me, how beautiful i was, how glad i was in his life, and what a beautiful family he had.  and my M was also happy to be with me and told me again i wasn't a bother, and she spoke in a very sweet voice to me, very different.  and then i brought toddler me out to the porch and gave her to all of you just to hold her, walk w/ her, give her a finger to toddle along w/, let her be with kind, loving people who were glad she was there.

then i did a little finishing emdr thing, and i'm finished for today, but i don't feel totally finished, so i may do this again tomorrow.  i don't feel fully integrated yet, and i'm not sure why.  i'll be reading stuff over today to see how i can bridge that gap, but this felt like a good start.  and if toddler me could speak, she'd say - i'm a happy child.

i know there's more there, just don't know quite how to get to it.  if anyone has a thought about it, please, iit would be greatly appreciated.  i'm drawing a blank right now.  but, i think it was a good start.

[Not Alone]

I felt warmth in my heart toward you as I read your post. Both E and I are so happy that we got to spend time with Toddler. (E wants to reassure you that she is big enough to keep little things away from toddlers.) I feel extremely privileged to be a part of this tender, extremely significant process.

[Tee]

Hugs San that was amazing it was so much fun watching you toddle around, and hold your her finger while she walked around. 

So just because I'm going through school again and it's fresh on my mind. Have you heard of Erickson? And his theory of psychosocial development?  Well anyway. The first stage in infancy is trust versus mistrust.  In toddlers it's autonomy versus shame and doubt.  So I don't know if this help you with what you may still need to work on, in my mind this a huge area.

Is it safe to explore the world and become a person? Or do we second guess ourselves and have look over shoulders?  As a toddler we look over or shoulders for reassurance that its ok and things are safe.  Are we going to get in trouble or yelled at for touching this?  I've seen so many littles testing the waters to see if they will get in trouble or if it's ok. I hope that makes sense.

I'm going to leave you with this quote that I saw yesterday on a piece of art and it's my hope for my daughter and think it would be great for little San too.  " Have only one rule: Be your wild, courageous, brilliant self every single day. No matter what.  May you never fail to express all the wild and wounderous things you are.". 

[sanmagic7]

tee, how wonderful of you!  everything made perfect sense!  i do know erikson, but i forgot the different levels of psychosocial development.  this fits in perfectly, and may be the piece i'm missing.  i don't think i took the exploring piece far enough, didn't have enough encouragement from my folks, so it would fit in here just right.  i'll have another go tomorrow morning and include this.  never thought of the shame part, or the doubtfulness, either, but i think both of those are huge for me.

i can't tell you how much i appreciate this from you.  and, i absolutely LOVE the quote.  i think i lived my life like that, but i think it was more a rebellion thing rather than an autonomous dynamic.  so, i believe there's a missing piece there as well.  i think it needs to have been inserted by them into my perspective of me in order that it became part of my being, rather than a reaction dynamic to their lack of emotion about me.  thank you so much - this is so helpful.

if there are any more insights, please, feel free.  i liked doing this on the porch, in the area where i did set up a cabin, and we have the beach right there.  i also thought it was a good place for anyone from here who wanted to be part of this to gather, even for a little bit, to interact w/ little me.  it's a place i can picture all of you.  i wanted tactile and social stimulation of all kinds, plus the sounds and smells of nature.  wild and wondrous, indeed!   

[Tee]

  my thoughts and love are with you San.

[Three Roses]

Only one thing occurred to me, and that is your toddler self is exceptionally well behaved. If toddler San fell and hurt herself or had a melt down, as is normal for toddlers, it would give your M and F a chance to prove themselves trustworthy - does that fit with your beliefs how this should transpire? But, it's just a thought and maybe not something you want to do at this point.... 

[sanmagic7]

thanks, tee.  very appreciated.  i'm absorbing all the good stuff i can. 

3r, that's brilliant!  not only trustworthy, as in they have my back, but also that they aren't making it my fault in any way, not making me feel guilty for not watching where i was going, no name-calling, and no shaming.  that all fits in perfectly.  thank you so much for that observation.   

[Three Roses]

  

[sanmagic7]

i'm struggling this morning.  i've had some great suggestions, but i'm at a dead stop. 

first, i can't imagine being a normal kid w/ meltdowns  and being 'bad'.  now, i know that babies/toddlers can't be bad, so i must've picked up that idea somewhere along the way.  still, i was such a good little girl that i can't imagine being anything but that, even tho it would be natural.  i must've been so repressed and restricted that it feels like i came out already being 'good' in every way possible - i'd never refuse to eat my peas, never get into something i wasn't supposed to, yet i'm sure i must have. 

the other thing i'm struggling with is the idea of them enjoying me at that age.  from what i know of me as a kid, i was smart and precocious, a natural leader, but since i never felt enjoyment w/ my own 2 babies, i don't know how to even express that.  i like things, i can enjoy seeing and doing and experiencing things, i can even enjoy people.  but babies, no.  i stay away from them if at all possible, and i don't understand these sentiments people here have expressed as to wanting to hold baby me and the like.  that's been deadened somewhere, and i don't know how to or if i can find it.

therefore, i don't know what it would look or feel like if i were doing the re-scripting from my parents' perspective.  right now i just feel muddled, at a standstill, and don't know how to move forward with this.  i'm also disappointed cuz i was planning to do this part today, but i can't see it right now. 

dang, i hate this crap.  i want to cry.

[Tee]

My kids at this age loved playing peek-a-boo! The would hide behind the couch and pop Thier little head out and say peeaboo and the just giggle at themselves over and over for, cause we would act scared or go where did they go when they hid. And so there you when they would pop out. 

The would do the same with putting a blanket over those head sitting in the middle of the floor but they couldn't see you you could see them.

Then when we were done play we would scoop them up in our arms and tickle that bellies and hug and kiss all over them and they would kids laugh.

You don't have to picture yourself being bad.  But you could picture yourself falling as your learning to walk and the reaction of your parents comforting you.  Little kids this age typically through did out of frustration when they can't communicate. My son never really through did cause at a very young age he was able to sign and speak so he communicated what he wanted. Don't beat yourself up on this journey.  You are doing great.  Go pick some flowers with your little self or play peekaboo. 

[Not Alone]

Do you feel like you need to do the ages in order? Maybe this is a stage to come back to at another time.

[sunflower38]

Hi san,

I've been wanting to do a lot of inner child work, too. I'm trying to start small and give myself the happy experiences and things that I deserve but never got. I think this week I might try going to a bookstore and looking at children's books. If little san ever wants a friend, little sunflower is here. Her favorite color is pink, she loves art, and likes trying to catch fireflies on summer evenings even though she thinks bugs are icky.

Maybe meltdowns don't always have to be what you imagine they are. Not all of them are bursts of anger or loud sobbing, sometimes they're quietly crying and just wanting to be held or rocked for a little bit. You don't have to start with the big things first, just being acknowledged for feeling sad is something that a lot of us didn't get and something we needed. 

[Blueberry]

You're working really hard atm san. I'm super-impressed because I've only ever done this amount of intensive IC work over a number of days inpatient or on a healing retreat. Maybe you just need a little break for a while? This re-parenting work is super strenuous ime. 

[Sceal]

I am a little out of the loop on the kind of work you are doing right now. I hope you forgive me that I am only sporadically able to be of support right now.

But I wanted to just say that it is okay if babies aren't something that brings you joy. For some people, alot of people, babies are annoying or just something they would rather not interact with. And that is perfectly okay. Perhaps that is just how it is for you, it isn't your "thing". (If you can call babies that). And that is perfectly okay. It could mean something, but also... It might just be one of those things that just is.

And on a side note.. I would much rather sit next to you today, to the whole of you today, and chat of little things or bigger things.

[sanmagic7]

tee, peek-a-boo is so cute.  thanks for that, and all your love and support.

notalone, good question, and i gave it some thought.  from all i know and have learned, one stage needs to be in place, one level must be resolved before someone can safely and wholly move to the next.  with that in mind, i do think it's important that i go at this from the ground up, so to speak!    i've done lots of work hodge-podge already, so this feels like taking these steps in order is the next phase.

sunflower, thanks for the offer of a playmate for little me.  i've thought on that, but i really don't feel comfortable with it right now.  don't know exactly why, but it was awfully sweet of you to think of it.  i lived with a cousin who's my age, and i know we played together, altho she often bit me - dang, abuse started so early!   so, maybe as i'm continuing with this, i'll imagine little sunflower playing w/ me and i won't have teeth marks!   thank you - i was able to write thru it, it sparked a situation i'd been told about but didn't remember, and i'll be able to enjoy the idea of having someone safe to play w/ at such a tender age.

hey, blueberry, thank you for that reminder.  i am stopping for this week, won't continue until next week.  all these suggestions have been so helpful, and i'm glad for the time to digest them all. 

sceal, your vote of permission not to enjoy babies was beautifully timed!  and, i would love to just sit with you today, chat away, whatever hits our fancy.  that sounds lovely.  thank you so much for that.

beautiful people, all of you.  you don't even know how much you're helping me w/ this.  i didn't realize quite what a difficult task i was taking on.  my own stuff got in the way, which made it impossible at the time to get those feelings up that i needed from my mom.  she wasn't nurtured, either, so it fits that i'm having a hard time transferring nurturing feelings to her. 

i love the idea that i didn't have to be a 'bad' child, but even curiosity (i was watching a little girl in a store today) could be something to focus on.  also the idea of not wanting to eat a certain food, falling and feeling pain/crying, or not wanting to go to sleep when they thought i should.  child-rearing was so very different in those days.   lots of angst about 'spoiling' a child.  well, i know i wasn't spoiled, but i think i needed to be, at least a bit more.  so, that's what i'm going to work on, but not till next week.

thank you to all of you.  love you!