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Armadillo, exactly that!
I get it too. Yesterday I was teaching with a colleague and just singing along to the track we were using, and at a specific climactic part of the song she looked at me and said "here it comes!" and I completely choked. I laughed it off as though I meant it to sound bad, but in reality I felt pretty stupid. It's the same when for example there's a birthday and we all have to sing the birthday song. The only way I can do it, is if I sing really badly and make it clear that it's meant to be silly. Otherwise I choke.

And it makes a lot of sense when you say "that keeps it for me". I feel the same way. So often people say things like "why don't you join in <insert talent show here>" or "why haven't you had your breakthrough yet" or "Why don't you go to conservatory or do this professionally". They say "Why aren't you doing anything with this?? (professionally" and it always makes me feel...resentful? Like...guys, I am doing EXACTLY what I want with this. What you mean, is that you want me to make my thing public property. You're not wanting that for ME, you're wanting that for YOU. How is that pleasurable for me? This is mine. This is a deeply intitmate thing for me, and I only want to do it or share it on my own accord. I don't want to HAVE to do it.
Somehow, people don't understand that.

I just encountered another trigger that I had sort of forgotten about.

I just got a message from a colleague, asking me if I wanted to sing/teach a singing workshop at an upcoming gathering. I immidiately got a knot in my stomach and felt the need to push it away or find a viable explanation as to why I can't or don't want to do it.

Here's the thing. I sing, I love singing, I basically came out of the womb singing, and I'm pretty damn good at it. Although I'm no stranger to the stage, singing is something really near and dear to me and very vulnerable. It's one of the few things that's so intertwined with my whole being, and with my emotions. So naturally, singing in front of others feels pretty vulnerable, too. I'm fine when i'm up there with a band, or at least a guitarist or something, because then I don't feel as "naked". But if it's with a regular karaoke track for example, I hate that. It bores me, and it feels too vulnerable.

The strange thing is, when you have a certain talent, especially when it's something that involves performance, it somehow becomes "public property". It's like other people feel as though they have a right to experience it, and you are obligated to showcase it. You know, the whole "Oh, you sing? Sing something then!". When I was a kid, my parents would push me forward at any chance they got. Birthdays, funerals, parties, it didn't matter, it was always "Oh, no problem, she'll sing something". Nobody asked me, it was just assumed that I would do it, because I can. And by the time I was "asked", it was a retorical question. It was already decided. If I protested, I was told not to be so difficult, it wasn't that big a deal, it was no effort for me so why didn't I want to do someone else a pleasure, etc. I was emotionally blackmailed: "what will people think, if you don't do it. They expect it, you did it for so and so, what will they think if you don't do it for them, too?". You're selfish. You're a bad person.
It was an impossible choice for me. The two universal social fears that humans have, are not being good enough, and not belonging. When I was pushed to perform, I was put in a position where I was stuck between these two fears. Either failing at a performance (always afraid that people were expecting a standard that I couldn't meet) and disappointing both myself and others, or being cast out for saying no and being selfish. I always felt so frustrated and intensely angry, yet terrified at the same time. Having to make that impossible lose-lose choice.
So now, whenever someone asks me to sing, I feel that intense fear and the need to push away, rushing back.

The thing is, I probably would not even mind singing a sing if there would just be a karaoke machine and it would be a spontaneous thing. But the fact that someone asks me to sing, in my brain goes straight to "oh, this person is assuming that since I can, I will, and I must", and I immidiately feel scared, helpless and frustrated. I feel so nervous, my stomach is in knots and my heart it in my throat. I want to say no so that I can stop feeling this way and stop feeling the pre-stagefright all week until the day comes. But I also want to say yes, so that I don't have to walk around there feeling guilty for not doing it. This sucks.

I had a weird dream last night. I know you generally process a lot of unconcious stuff in your sleep, sometimes it's more obvious than ususal.

I dreamt that I was with my family, and my father wanted to gather us all together and tell us something. He was walking around all over the place, talking out loud without really checking to see if we were listening, sort of trying to prepare the place for his "presentation". It was a big place with two rooms, a large one to the right with a lot of chairs in a tribune like setting, and a smaller one to the left. So anyway, my father was walking around and blabbing, talking himself up, talking the location up, doing his whole act. And as he was so busy doing his thing, he didn't notice that we had left. We hadn't followed him, we had gone into the room on the left instead. Someone else was in that room (the guy who trained both me and my father, and who is the one who broke the news to me about my dad's narcissism). We were all sitting and chatting with this guy, and my dad must have noticed at some point that we weren't there anymore. So he barged into the room, walked up to the guy we were with, and punched him. He threw the punch in a weird angle, and ended up only hitting the guy's arms (which were in front of him). So the guy threw a punch back, and missed. Which was weird, because we expected (knowing that he has a background in martial arts) that he'd have no trouble knocking him out. It was almost as though he missed on purpose. They sort of went back and forth like this for a while, until the guy knocked my father out cold and he fell to the floor. The guy sat back down, my mum sort of ruffled his hair (which is weird because he's bald, and in my dream he had be bald up until that point) and we all were chatting again. I looked down at my dad, and all I could feel was pity.
I felt so sorry for him, trying so hard to put up that facade of being so great, having everything together, telling himself that everyone thinks he's so great, having to constantly put up that act, but probably being so deeply insecure and lonely on the inside. Always talking about his "good friends" or the great relationships he has with his family for example, and not even noticing that these people don't feel the same way. The fake-ness of it all. I felt really sad for him, purely out of pity.

I don't hate my father, although I am really angry at him. I don't miss him, and I don't want him in my life. But it does make me sad, to think that he's going to end up completely and utterly alone.

Thanks NotAlone and Armadillo!
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So I still haven't told my boss that i'll be leaving soon. I wanted to tell her straight away on monday, but she was too busy yelling at a co-worker, and I was like...yeah nope.
And the next time I see her, will be tomorrow. I already have my letter of resignation ready, and i've been taking care of some other business that also needs to be taken care of before I get started. I'm really looking forward to getting all this off my back and moving on. Looking forward to my new job, even though i'm scared. I still feel heavy, but now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I know things won't be perfect by any means, but it's progress all the same and it makes way for many options and growth in the future.

So...looks like i'll have to corner my boss tomorrow and break the news. I'm nervous about how she'll respond (and how she'll treat me for the next 2,5 months before I leave), but at the same time..knowing that i'll be leaving soon makes it easier to deal with.

My new contract starts on august 1st, but classes don't start until august 30th. So i've decided i'll leave my job on july 9th (a friday) so that I have just as much summer holiday as I would have had if i'd already been in the education system. It gives me time to prepare, but also to calm down, relax, do what I want. It's been so long since i've had a holiday that didn't have all the radars running in the back of my head the entire time. So i'm really looking forward to this!

Pffff, you know how when you really really need to pee, but you can't, so you hold it and hold it until you finally make it to the bathroom and then when you finally sit down, you're so cramped up that nothing comes out? And then all you can get out is a few drops, a few more drops, and then all of a sudden the dam breaks?
Well, metaphorically, that's how I feel right now.  Like I just reached the metaphorical toilet.

I GOT THE JOB!!!!!
I'm so happy and relieved! Rationally, that is. My body doesn't get the message yet, it's still too busy being stressed. That's fine, the first drops are coming and the dam will break soon.

I haven't told my current boss yet, she's on holiday. And I want to wait a bit, since there are so many people already leaving that I want to give her the chance to get herself back together before I drop another bomb. It's fine, I only need a months notice with this job, and my new job doesn't start until the end of august. So I've decided that I want to leave my current job half way through july, so that I still have a proper "school holiday" to relax an prepare, before the fresh start. I'm really excited!

The funnies thing: I got hired because of my looks. Well, sort of. You see, during the job interview, the guy mentioned the way I looked (my dreads, piercings, tattoo's) and asked about them. He asked "why I am the way I am" (to which I replied: why are you the way you are?) and then he asked me how I see it, since there's often a lot of stigma and it can lead to negative situations with other people. I explained that I'm glad he asked, because that way we can have an open conversation instead of letting ourselves be lead by prejudice. I told him a little bit about my tattoo's, and I explained that I'm just being myself. That if I would be rejected for it, it wouldn't have been the place for me anyway. And that it's important to my not only to be myself, but that my students and colleagues can be themselves too. I also explained that in my experience it has actually often lead to more positive experiences: it opens doors and dialogs that you otherwise might not have. Students often come to me to talk about things, because somehow my looks seem to lower the thresold; I look like an open minded person who has seen some stuff.
So this morning when he called me and offered me the job, he said "we were very charmed by your appearance and the way you talked about it. And we do have quite a few students who are "different", so you'd be a great fit".

I was so amazed, because there had been so many applicants and although the interview went well, I just didn't have anything to go off. I couldn't size up the competition, so to speak.

It's so good to finally have some perspective, after all this "survival mode". I'm not out of the woods yet, but now that i've got a stable basis in the making, i'll be able to start thawing out, processing, healing and moving on.

So yeah, good news. And now...i'm exhausted.

Hi Hope,

Feeling more can be pretty scary sometimes, but also very rewarding. Nowadays, sometimes when I feel really sad or angry or whatever, I catch myself just being really greatfuil that I can feel it at all. It makes life a lot more interesting, and in some ways easier to cope with when you're actually getting the information (emotions).

Sounds like you're making awesome steps. Noticing EF's and triggers sooner and managing to get "Back online" sooner, is progress for sure.

Take Care

Just noodling here but I wonder if it would be useful/helpful/realistic to think of our CPTSD as something like having diabetes that doesn't go away but is better when it's managed? Or perhaps as an injury that heals but aches on occasion and is more prone to re-injury?   

Totally, Kizzie! imo both of those scenarios correlate with cptsd. I wrote what I did yesterday I guess because I was rather astonished that these old, old symptoms returned. Ones I really thought were over, unlike depression, eating, SH, not getting out of bed etc etc

Sorry you're in a bit of a fog at the moment BB, it says to me (FWIW) that the whole matter with your friend is just deeply distressing and hurtful. 

You're on the money here too, Kizzie! Deeply distressing and hurtful is a good way of putting it.
Later last night a sentence occurred to me to address to this friend but just in my head for the moment: I would really appreciate it if you could just consider that I might actually be correct in the way I'm acting towards FOO!

Otherwise I think people with no or very little idea of cpstd are just a little bit arrogant if they think they know more than we cptsd-ers know about living with cptsd. Having done idk maybe 20 sessions of therapy and being interested in psychology doesn't make this friend an expert and it particularly does not mean she knows more than I do about what's good for me just because she is officially healthy and able to work and do all those normal things whereas I am chronically unwell.

Anyway, thank you for all your support here, Kizzie   I'm likely to keep writing about the topic as more becomes clear.

Yeah, I think that it's actually both. The way the neuroplasticity works, you don't "unlearn" things, you just learn new (better) options. And the option that you use most, gets stronger pathways, while the ones used less sort of fade away. But they don't go away completely; they are always an option. You just have better options now, and your brain always chooses the most effective option you have in your arsenal, for the need that you have in the moment. Doesn't necessarily mean that it's the most healthy option by the way, it's just the one that best meets your needs in that moment. Knowing this, it's completely natural that you can go for years without resorting to "old" behaviors, and then stumble upon a situation that triggers, surprises or overwhelms your nervoussystem in such a way that you just draw a blank on "healthy options" and resort to an old but surprisingly powerful one.

I don't think that's a bad thing, though. It's always good to have multiple options. For example, i've been recovered from SH and ED stuff for many years. That doesn't mean I never get urges or "slip up". But i've learned to read those slip ups as signals that my system is communicating a message, a need, whatever, that I need to find a better way to meet. It helps me to be a lot more compassionate towards myself, and i've noticed that since I don't have to "fight" those old options anymore, it's a lot easier to hear the message, make other choices, and learn new ways.

As for people being arrogant in knowing about CPTSD and such...I agree. And I can find it immensely irritation when people try to "reason" with me when i'm triggered. Of course I "KNOW" what I should be doing or feeling, rationally. But that doesn't change how my nervoussystem responds. I'm not an idiot, geez. "Gee, thanks, I never thought of that". 

It's amazing how that works, isn't it.

Reminds me of the time I was doing a "write down one positive thing each day and put the note in a jar to read back at the end of the year" thing, and a few months in, the jar that I had was full, I needed a new one. Got home from work that day, and found a huge beautiful decorative glass jar type thing that I could use. Someone had apparently wanted to get rid of it, and just left it on the bench in the hall for whoever wanted it.

I can't imagine how hard that must have been (and still is), Armadillo. What you describe about grief makes a lot of sense.

I hope writing it all down here, helps you.

Hugs

Bad news.
I did indeed get rejected for the job. That's not even what i'm the most gutted about. The worst part is, I was rejected via an automatic rejection email.
I worked there for six years. Six years. I even continued to drop in and help out after I left. And they saw how heartbroken I was when I decided to leave. I can live with the fact that they won't have me back, thats their right, and there are more people suited for the job. What hurts is that I emailed both the principle and the vice principal weeks ago, and neither replied at all.
It's like bumping into an old friend on the street, saying hello, and being ignored completely.
It's nice that four ex-collegues tipped me about the opening, so at least they did bother. But that the very people that I worked for, that I put so much time, energy and loyalty into for all those years, didn't even bother to reply to my message personally or even say hello...just an automatic rejection email. Zero acknowledgement. That really hurts.

I spoke to my mum earlier, she called me and I just bawled my eyes out. I've fought for so long, and come so far, but there's always something. I just want to live. But there's always something. I'm so tired. I know i'll end up picking myself up and finding another way. But right now, everything just feels so unfair. I got so far, had everything going for me, and I trust one wrong person and BAM. My life is back to * and i'm going to have to claw my way out again. Only this time, i'm ten years older and my biological clock is ticking too. I want to have a kid badly, but I can't even find a freaking proper job. Even with my batchelors degree, that I got with honors. For f's sake, can I just live?!

SO glad to hear you're doing better, Owl!

Awesome, Blueberry!

I've been feeling pretty numb lately. I'm not doing it consciously, but I am aware that i'm doing it. And when I look at the state of the world, my life, everything that's happened over the past two years, it makes sense. I sometimes think "I wish I could feel happy again", but then i'm also aware that allowing myself to feel that, would mean allowing myself to feel everything. You can't selectively numb certain emotions, it's all or nothing. And right now, it just doesn't feel safe.

I'm still waiting on news from my job application. There have already been four ex-colleagues who have tipped me, separately from one another, about the job opening. It's nice to know they are thinking of me and want me back. It just sucks that they aren't the ones making the decision of who to hire.
When one of them texted me today, I started feeling really excited and relieved imagining what it would be like if I got the job. But I automatically shut that feeling down pretty quickly, because I just don't want to get my hopes up. If I end up getting rejected, i'll be gutted enough as it is. I don't want to make it worse. So i'm just numbing. That way, it feels more like: whether i'm in or i'm out, it's both equally good or bad (depending on how you look at it).

Life feels like limbo at the moment. I feel like i've been waiting to start living again ever since I left that school, and all that crap went down. The situation with my dad, the pandemic, etc.
It's frustrating, too. Because I had come so far in healing. I'd finally come to the point where I decided to take a leap and trust someome, and I thought trusting my father would be a safe choice. It ended up ruining my life. And these past two years, so much has happened, it feels like every time I get up, something else comes along and pulls the rug from under me again.
I'm just surviving.

Sceal, since when do we need a reason to feel anything?   
As much as it sucks to feel jealous and all that....you're human and you're feeling!
Ironically, trying to make that go away, or telling yourself that you should't feel it, won't make it go away.
Your feelings make sense. Be compassionate towards yourself and your feelings, you're allowed to feel whatever you feel. However inconventiant

Take care!

Sceal, what you say makes a lot of sense.

Take care