Messages

I'm sorry to hear you're having such a hard time, Owl. I also recognise a lot of what you're saying. It sucks, to say the least.

I don't really have anything helpful to offer right now. Just "I feel ya".

Take care.

Today I had a performance review at work.

The work I do is nothing special, just a way to pay the bills. It's a perfectly fine job, but it's not like I'm passionate about it or plan to turn it into a career.
I do my best, and I do my work pretty damn well, if I may say so myself.

Anywho, the performance review hit me hard. In particular, because my boss had exactly the same feedback for me, that my boss at my previous job had for me two years ago.
At the time, I was so hurt and frustrated that it was the last little push that I needed in order to resign and start working for myself. In retrospect, I was definitely running away.
And I thought that if I would be my own boss, I wouldn't have to worry about that stuff anymore. But as you can see, it has reared it's ugly head once again, and I need to ask myself:
if I keep hearing the same thing, is it true? Is it something that I do need to address? The thought terrifies me, angers me, frustrated me, and makes me very sad. But i'm worried that if I don't, it's going to keep showing up on my path.

She told me that she gets the feeling that I don't really like my job, my colleagues, my customers. That I don't really feel connected to any of them. Some of the things I'm asked to work on, is for example, making more smalltalk or investing in "relationships" with said colleagues or customers.
Here's the thing: I feel like the way that I show care or interest, is not aligned with how others do this, or expect to see this. I'm introverted, and I can't stand smalltalk. Also, i'm just not a very overtly expressive person. Except when i'm on stage, but that's a whole other story. (Side note; the fact that I seem extroverted on stage does confuse many people into thinking that i'm just arrogant or not interested, when they meet me in real life and i'm really quiet and keep to myself).


I show that I care, mostly with actions. And often times, these are quiet, secret, rather invisible. Because doing it "out in the open" terrifies me. And I also have a hard time talking about things that I feel going on in interactions, below the surface. For example, if I feel that someone is having a hard time, or (god forbid) that someone is angry, I'll avoid it bringing attention to it. Not because I don't care, but because i'm terrified. I'll work my * off, pick up shifts, pick up tasks that others don't get round to, I'm someone who does a lot "behind the scenes". Also, It's not that I don't connect with anyone. In fact, there are a few colleagues that I get along with really well and that I even consider friends now. But obviously, my boss doesn't know that who I speak to in my free time, or how we interact when she's not there.

An example: I had a colleague who recently fell on the ground, in eyeshot of where I was standing. I saw it happen. She got really angry, threw her things on the ground, mumbled that she'd be back, and ran out the door. My heart was in my throat. I picked up her things and neatly folded them, and laid them out for her for when she got back. That was, I suppose, my way of showing her that I care. But I never asked her if she was ok. Not even after she came back. I was scared that i'd make it more awkward for her. So I hoped that my gesture of taking care of her things, would be enough to convey the message. But today in the performance review, my boss told me that my colleague had felt that I "didnt see her". I felt awful.

The first time (at my old job) that my boss called me out on this, I was very hurt. I always work hard, I always try hard. I'm always there, perfect attendance. I'm the person that people come to (again, behind the scenes) when they need someone to talk to, or when * hits the fan. Something needs to be done? I'm there. But i'm also introverted, I keep to myself, and I value my own time. And I felt like I wasn't being appreciated as I was, and for what I did, because I didn't meet the standard for HOW they wanted me to do it. I felt like they expected me to be more extroverted, and that i'd have to take on a persona that didn't fit me, just to be valued. I felt like I wasn't being seen, in all the steps i'd taken. In how far i'd come, and in how much I did offer (albeit in my own way). Needless to say, I felt rejected. And I left.

And now, in my current job, a job where (simple as it is) I certainly hadn't expected this to be an issue for anyone....here it is again!
So now i'm sitting here feeling frustrated and all kinds of things mixed together. Frustrated that "the world" was harsh enough to me as a child, casting me out when I tried to connect, that it damaged my ability to connect. And now that I've done my best to heal (and am still doing so) and venture back into the world, and make do with what I can do...i'm cast out yet again, but this time for not connecting. It seems so unfair. And I don't want to throw a pity party, but there is that hurt child in my who feels pretty bad right now. All she's thinking is, for the love of god, leave me alone! Let me be! Just let me be me, instead of constantly trying to fit me into your mold.

And as an adult, I realise that if this is the feedback i'm getting from multiple angles...there must be some truth in it. And I can stay angry at the world, but the only one I can change, is me.
It means there's work to do, again, but I'm so tired. Ugh.

I've been toying with the idea of starting a journal here. It took me a while,  but here I am 

I'm in a weird place. Some kind of 'in between'. Where you're not really 'sick' anymore, or at least, not visibly. But there are still things that need work. And it's hardest when people then see you as a functional adult and expect more from you than you feel you can offer at that time. I feel like the deepest, hardest-to-kick patterns are only coming to the surface now. In part because the superficial stuff has been resolved, and in part because so much * hit the fan over the past two years, that I can't really look away anymore. I don't feel safe enough in my own skin and in my social connections to share everything that i'm dealing with at the moment. So I guess starting a journal here is a good first step.

Short back story for context, for anyone who wants to know *TW*:

I'm a female in my 30's. Throughout my childhood, some hard things happened. An immigration and a re-migration, sexual abuse by a neighbour, a lot of bullying by peers.
In my late teens/early 20's, I was in an unhealthy codependant realtionship and I got married. I divorced about 1,5 years later. Around that time, I also started struggling with my mental health more than ever before. I became depressed, developed an eating disorder, self harmed, and was suicidal. I spent about 10 years in the whole mental health world. In and out of therapy, psych wards, on all kinds of meds, etc. The term CPTSD was never coined, I didn't figure that out until later. In the mean time, I did manage to finish my studies, get a job, and all that other stuff you're supposed to do.

A few years ago, I finally got the right kind of help. I fully recovered and was doing really well. I also retrained, so that I could make a carreer switch. In 2019, I took the dive and quit my job to start my own business, together with my father. Shortly after, I discovered that my father isn't who I thought he was. A whole lot of sh*t went down, and a lifetime of lies and abuse came to light. My father is a communal narcissist. I broke contact with my father, losing my business, my dreams, future plans and not to mention my income in the process. I did manage to find a little part-time job to stay afloat, and I started to rebuild my business. Just when I started to feel like things were getting better, and I had time to process and heal, the pandemic came along.

Currently, i'm in survival mode. I feel like i'm back at square one, although I rationally know that i'm not. I just have a lot of new information now, and a lot to process. Granted, some old wound have re-opened and some things were uncovered that I didn't even know were there. I think that's a good thing, although I don't feel "happy" about it, haha. I'm coping better than I would have a few years ago. I'm doing the best I can, and i'm surviving without harming myself, I know there's a lot of work to do, a lot of healing to be done, etc. I know that's a good thing, yet at the same time I find myself feeling really hopeless and frustrated a lot of the time. And mostly, very very alone.
So that's about it in a nutshell.

*Possible trigger warning*

So last night, my mum called me and told me how things were going. My parents split up a while back (my dad took off with one of his patients, who is also half his age) and they still have to interact due to court/money-stuff regarding my Dad's previous company going bankrupt. Up until now my mum was still living in my childhood home, but it looks like she's going to have to sell the place.
It appears that my dad has been manipulating and emotionally bashing her more than usual over the past two weeks, so she was a bit stressed out. She called to update me, and I'm fine with that. It's very interesting to me, though, how my subconscious responds.
This time, I was clearly processing some stuff in my sleep

I dreamt that I was at school, where I used to work up until last summer, when I quit to start my own company and work with my dad (big mistake). I miss the place tremendously. Anyway, so I dreamt that I was at school, and I was walking to the teachers lounge.
On my way there, my dad suddenly showed up and grabbed me by the throat. He pushed my up against the wall, and tried to strangle me. I was trying to scream, but no sound came out. He looked at me with a look in his face as if to say "haha, try me, there's nothing you can do", and then he slipped his pinky finger in my mouth. So I bit down. Hard. I bit off the tip of his finger. And he didn't respond AT ALL. Like he didn't even notice. So I tried screaming again, and finally, something came out. Some people walking by, looked in my direction. But they kept walking. It was not necessarily a scary dream, it was more of a depressing one, with the feeling of frustration and helplessness. The symbolism is uncanny.

My dad was (almost) never physically abusive, but as a communal narcissist, there was plenty of hidden emotional manipulation going on. I didn't discover all of this until a few months ago, when things got so out of hand that I went no contact. This year has been intense, and it's rather interesting to see how my subconscious processes this stuff. Rather unpleasant though

Thanks, Three Roses.
I've heard of it, it has quite a bit of overlap with NLP, which is what I work with mainly. How does it help you?

Welcome! I'm finding the IFS therapy approaches very useful to me, much more so than any previous types of therapy I've had. Plus I can do a little of it myself here at home without the need of a therapist, although I'm recognizing I'll need help later on. Anyway, here's a couple of videos to check out that explain it.

https://youtu.be/LuJLv98ks-I
Q&A https://youtu.be/2UfmGwENz9M (part 1 of 4)

Hi Kizzie,

Thanks
Yeah, I didn't figure it out until a few months ago. In fact, I had learned a lot about narcissism in my own training, but hadn't recognized it as such. I didn't know this subtype existed, and it's rather covert. I, like you, always just thougt my Dad was a great guy and that I was the problem.
My dad's image is increadibly important to him. He'll do anything to be the hero, and if that's not possible, the victim. He will make promises or statements (lies), just to make you feel good in the moment and make him look good, but doesn't keep the promise. And when you ask about it, he gaslights you. He's a mental health coach since a few years, and that is an easy way for him to reel people in and look like the nicest guy ever. But half of the time he doesn't know what he's doing, and he'll bluff his way through. He does things you just can't do, or treats them in a way that makes them dependent. Last year, I quit my job to start my own business. With his help, and I was working for him, too. I had a dream, we had many future plans, and I was financially dependent on him for the time being while I built up my own thing. However, no sooner had I handed in my resignation at work, and I discovered that he was having an affair with a client. He left my mother (after jerking her around for months), made her his business partner (after I told him that I would have to leave, if he brought her in), had her move in with him, and went berserk when he found out that I was moving on without him. Things got so bad that I couldn't deny it anymore, and I decided to go no contact.
Currently he's trying very hard to keep up appearences by posting inspirational blogs and quotes, ridden with jabs at me and my brothers (who also went no contact with him). Flying monkeys and all. It's hard to deal with, to be honest. Because I know how many people he's still fooling, how many he's hurting without them even knowing it, and I know that he's smearing me behind my back. It sucks, and it takes all I have just to ignore it (I don't want to fuel the flame).
Anyway, long story, sorry for that. What about you?

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS AlterEgo    We're all about talking about things we find we can't talk to non-survivors and sometimes our therapists about, at least initially. 

I hadn't heard of "communal NPD" before but wow, it totally fits my M (https://www.quora.com/What-is-a-Communal-Narcissist-How-do-they-relate-to-others). I used to refer to her best M in the whole world N routine as stealth or covert NPD, but this description fits her N behav so well.

How was your F communal in his NPD?

Hi Everyone,

Just a quick post to introduce myself, as I'm new here.
I don't really know where to begin. I'm struggling with CPTSS, and looking back, I probably have been for a very long time. I just never got diagnosed as such (although I got many, many other labels along the way). This is a result of various things, obviously. Repeated sexual abuse as a child, relentless bullying by peers, and what I recently discovered: my father is a (communal) narcissist.

I went through the whole psychiatric circuit over a period of about ten years, and was treated for all kinds of things. From depression and anxiety to self harm, eating disorders and personality disorders. I was admitted to psychiatric units and clinics on numerous occasions, and didn't want to live anymore. I didn't get very far, until a few years ago I started working with someone who did know what she was doing. I recovered and was doing really well. However, over the past year, numerous big things have happened that turned my life completely upside down, and put the past in a whole new perspective. Long story. But it has caused a lot of old triggers to resurface, and lately I've been feeling really down and isolated, not knowing who to talk to about all this stuff. For the most part because even I don't know how to explain what's going on.

So I figured it would be good to find a place like this where I can vent and figure some stuff out, and where there's understanding even when I don't quite understand it all myself.

That's it in a nutshell