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Something weird happened last night, and i'm still not sure what to think about it.

So I have this neighbour, he lives a few doors down. I don't really know him, I bump into him from time to time in the elevator and sometimes there's some smalltalk. That's about it.
He's probably about 10 years older than I am, he lives alone (like the most of us in this building) and I suspect that he has some kind of learning disability. He's nice enough, he's just seems a little oblivious to social ques, and he seems a bit...slow? I don't mean that in a derogatory way or anything, I just don't know how else to describe it.

Anyway, last night at around 11pm, I got a random Facebook message from him, asking (and i'm translating this as best I can): "Can I call on you tomorrow to drive me to the supermarket, if it's raining?". I was a little taken aback since it was out of nowhere, I hardly know the guy, and the wording was just a bit strange. I mean, there was no reason given other than the possibility of rain, and he didn't exactly ask if I would be willing to help him out, it seemed almost more like he was assuming that since I have a car, I have some kind of duty to others that can be called on. It was just weird. If he would have been like "I broke my leg, can you pick up some groceries for me", I wouldn't have minded. But this just seemed odd.
But I didn't want to be the one to be paranoid or anything, after all, he's always been normal or nice to me, so I told him I couldn't because I had work (which I did). To which he asked me what time I had work...At this point I was really weirded out and slightly annoyed, so I told him I was really busy, and that I couldn't help him. He wished me goodnight and left it at that.

At first I just thought it was weird, but the more I thought about it, the more odd it seemed to me. I mean, I was really confused! The question made no sense given the context. So I was torn between "Is he really just a simple-minded bloke, innocently asking a question and not realizing how it comes across? Or is something weird going on?" . And then at the same time I felt a sense of guilt, because it could just as easily have been someone who was genuinely asking for help, but just going about it in an unhandy way. I'm not saying that he had ill intentions, but it's possible all the same. And even if that were not the case, it could become one of those "give them a finger and they'll take your whole hand" things...
I actually did lock all my doors and windows before I went to bed, and I was actually on alert. And today I was worried that he'd be waiting for me when I got home from work, to catch me out and say "Hey, I see you're back, now you can help me!".

I will say, i'm glad I said no. I'm much better at boundaries than I have been. I remember a  time when I agreed to drive my alcoholic landlord to the liquor store so that she could buy all the bottles she needed to replace the bottles she stole from my housemate. That's how easy it was to guilt-trip me into anything. So I guess I've come a long way.

But still...I mean, this is weird right? Or is it just me?

I'm disgusted...

So I already knew via via that my NF, with whom I'm no longer in contact, is getting married (to the girl my age, who he had an affair with). He never told us (not that I wanted to know), but apparently he got married two days ago.
This week I got a screenshot from someone, about something he posted on facebook (I have him blocked, but people still sometimes send me stuff about him). It was a message that looked a lot like a pregnancy announcement, about how their little family was growing, and "it's a girl". Now, I already had my doubts, I was pretty sure it would be about a dog (since their dog died recently). Anyway, many people responded to that post, congratulating her with her pregnancy. And people started sending me messages, asking about it. All this time, neither of them responded to any of the comments. So I was starting to think maybe there would actually be a child. I was already feeling bad for the kid, given the situation. I mean, i'd hope she would have a better experience with him than I did, but I doubt it. And that would be awful. Also, that would mean i'd have a half sister walking around who probably would think that I hate her and want nothing to do with her (i'm pretty sure that's what my father would let her believe). I was starting to get really worried about it all.
Until today: they posted, and it's a dog. They posted a photo, an update, etc. All jokes and laughs. And although they had not responded to any comments on their previous post, to all those people congratulating her on her pregnancy...they are now responding to literally everyone who is responding to their dog post. So they literally just let everything believe she was pregnant, for the fun of it. And probably the attention.
I'm digusted. What a cruel and tasteless joke.
And for me it's extra painful, given the fact that I desprately want children, have for a long time, but am still single and on a waiting list for a donor. I mean, come on. I'm not the only one who thinks this is a stupid joke, right?

I wonder how many others recognize this.

Most people will understand the difficulty with giving people criticism. However, I also have a really hard time giving compliments too. Not because I don't want to, I really do. But I'm always scared that someone will think i'm overreacting, that it's weird, creepy, that i'm clingy, or something like that. I'm scared that the person will think "ew, get away from me". Obviously this is a remnant of the way I was treated in the past. I get where it comes from. But it does bother me that people often think i'm cold or just don't care, while in reality there's so much i'd like to say that I am just too scared to express.

I do challenge myself with it sometimes, when i'm feeling strong enough. Today I even wrote someone I look up to, "fanmail" to tell her what her art meant to me. But now that it's in the mail, i'm terrified that she'll be disgusted. Not because I think she'd be like that, but because part of me still believes i'm inherently disgusting...

How do you guys navigate this?

Yeah, it makes sense huh That concept of "integration" being the key factor in healing. Considering trauma is processed/stored in a fragmented way, integration is probably the best way to put it. Like finding all those puzzle pieces that have been scattered throughout your body and mind, and putting them back together. 

I hope you had a good rest, Sage!

Glad you're feeling better, Armee.

I recognise what you said about the negative thoughts, and CBT techniques making it worse. I have that same experience. The thing is, a lot of the time, we already know these thoughts are not rational. We know perfectly well what we "should" be thinking, and that doesn't make them go away. I mean, if it were that simple, we would have gotten rid of those thoughts a long time ago. And in my experience, trying to "rationalize" them, is kind of like invalidation. Those thoughts serve a purpose (sometimes I have to listen to the underlying intention or feeling, instead of the actual thought, and it actually begins to make more sense that those thoughts are there, whether they are true or not), and invalidating them by countering them with "helpful thoughts" only makes them stronger....so the technique that your T helped you with, just acknowledging them without interacting with them, actually did wonders for me too.
I once downloaded that Headspace app and did some short meditations that kind of worked the same way; instead of blocking thoughts out or fighting them, just pretending that they are like clouds floating by, and that when you notice them, you kind of just say "hi" and then gently move your focus to something else again as they float on by. I guess it's like treating yourself with more compassion.

Have a good day!

I'm glad to hear you had a good holiday, and that you overcame some inhibitions while you were at it!

Haha, I totally recognise your worries. Going out swimming always seems like such a hassle to me, for those very reasons. Even though the idea of swimming in nature also seems so free and inviting. I was very pleasently surprised when I was on holiday in New Zealand and I found that many beaches/lakes etc did have public facilities like lockers and changing rooms, not to mention public bathrooms on practically every corner. It feels so much more free when you don't need to worry about that practical stuff.

I'm glad that break, however short, helped you to recharge!

Sooooo, two weeks in to my summer vacation and i'm feeling more like myself every day. For the first few days after leaving my job, I still felt really hypervigilant. Couldn't wind down, kept checking work e-mail, felt like I was still up and running. I sort of let myself walk it off, figuratively. I've been sleeping a lot, and I gave myself permission to just do whatever my whims tell me to do. As a result, i've been doing a lot of music stuff. I invested in a new studio microphone and interface, and oh my lord, I should have done that years ago. The sound quality is amazing.
Somehow I never bothered to invest in any proper equipment, although I wanted to. It just felt excessive or frivolous, I mean, my voice is in my body for free, why would I put so much money towards expensive equipment? I usually just got the cheap stuff. But you know what, although I had to dip into my savings, I feel no guilt about this at all. And i've already put it all to good use.

I developed a "slight" obsession with Wicked, and spent the past couple of days recording and editing the vocals for the song "No Good Deed" (out of Wicked the musical, sung by Elphaba) and I had so much fun! After that, I also recorded a video to go with it, and uploaded it. It felt so good to allow myself to just go with the flow of my passions and obsessions, and to sing, and to be creative again! For the past two years, i've been in emotional lockdown. I've been so stressed and tired that I just couldn't bring myself to do any of that. Now that i'm back into the swing of it, I feel like i'm thawing out and coming back to myself.

I will say, I'm still triggered easily and when i'm in the middle of it, I still feel like things will always be awful. But between those moments, i'm feeling a lot calmer. It's not like a continuous EF anymore, there are definitely good moments. If you would ask me now how I am, i'd say i'm doing quite alright, inclusing the ups and downs. If you would have asked me three weeks ago, i'd say I was doing sh**. I guess the difference is also that now, there's light at the end of the tunnel with the new job in sight, and everything opening up in life and in the world. I can see a future now, I don't feel as trapped as I did then.

This past week was pretty weird. Two people in my direct surroundings passed away suddenly. One of them is a woman i've known for years, our paths crossed all over the place. I also rented my previous office space from her, before I gave it up a few months ago. She was someone who was so full of life, always taking on the next project and creating new things. She was only in her 50's. She hadn't been feeling too well, and one day, one of her friends couldn't get a hold of her, and went to check on her. They found her, on the floor, next to her bed. Gone.
Although I hadn't seen her in a while, and it's not like we were close or anything, it's still a slap in the face.
The other person, was a neighbour that I often see in the building and who always tries to make chit chat with me (while I get all awkward). The weirdest part is that I actually am a member of this app that texts people who know how to do CPR, when someone in the neighbourhood needs help (because we can often get there sooner than the ambulance). I got texted that someone in my building needed help, but I didn't see the text until two minutes after I got it. By then, the ambulance was already driving up our street (we live around the block from the hospital). So I was too late. I know it probably wouldn't have made much of a difference, but I do feel a little guilty for not making a run for it.

Anyway, that's about it for today. Tomorrow i'm going shopping with my mum, my grandma and my aunt. It's a yearly thing, and we skipped last year because of covid. So i'm glad we get to do it again!

New note of the highest import:

#1 way to reduce stress is to accept whatever my mind is doing is best. Understanding why it is doing what it is doing is the key to that acceptance.

Agreed. Resistance and beating yourself up certainly won't reduce that stress

This falls in line with the thought that every behaviour (conscious or unconcious) has a positive intention as it's core. Meaning: it serves a purpose. That doesn't always mean that the execution or the result is positive, it simply means that it serves to meet a need. Which is at it's core, a positive intention.
For me personally, it helps to ask (that part of) myself: what are you trying to achieve or avoid, by doing this? That helps figure out the underlying need or intention.
It helps you treat yourself with more compassion, and when you find out the need/intention behind the behaviour, it's easier to work on developing an alternative.

As for the IQ tests, I wonder if they have those kinds of tests for "other kinds of intelligence". I'd be interested for sure! I mean, there are so many more intelligences than just the logical kind.

July 14

Progress continues! I'm taking small communication risks daily.

A well known store is close to me and I go there 4 times a week to sit in the cafe, and gaze out the window, listen to music, surf the web and sometimes post to various media. Management here is known for switching high level people every 2 years, and the executive chef has been sweet and accommodating to me. I debated on the best way to find out if he was slated for leaving, (he's not) and decided to bundle it with a compliment. First I asked "permission" by saying, "are you in the middle of something?" When he said no, I continued with: "I just want you to know you're appreciated. It's the little things you do without a fuss. I like that you're calm and there's no drama."

He received it well, touched my arm in response and we went on our way. This seems small and mundane, but I obsess over talking with people, but realize it's wasted energy.

On a different note, I also spoke with a cafe staff who appears to really mind that I clean my own table/chair when she's on duty. 90% of the time, the table is dirty. I considered talking about it with others, finding out if there's a policy in place which would make my actions prohibited and finally decided to take the bull by the horns. We've had 3 interactions about me cleaning the tables! So, I called her over and said, "I wanted to know if there's something I'm doing that is annoying you?" She responded with, "Management pays me to clean the tables, and that's my job." We continued: "Well you can't be everywhere at once, and ever since COVID hit, I've been totally focused on cleaning." She replied, "It's OK, you don't have to explain yourself to me." And I concluded with, "Thanks ___, it's not personal, I'm just this way. I want us to get along.

Predictable sleep continues with 5-6 hours in stage 1, then 2 hours in stage 2. Now if I could find a solution for falling asleep within an hour, instead of 2-3. Shutting down Wi-Fi  2 hours in advance is good in theory, longstanding habits are hard to break.

Speaking of habits. I got my Oxford University Press work book and started my awareness phase. Intense stuff.

Wow, "small" communication risks or not, I'm getting anxiety just thinking about those things you described and I think it's awesome that you're going for it. Nice!

Sounds like you've got a lot going on, Libby, and it also sounds like you're doing a good job of being compassionate with yourself throughout the process.

Yeah, IQ is a weird thing...or rather, IQ test results. I mean, there are always so many factors in play, and it's always a snapshot.

I remember getting tested back when I was in therapy. My results were much lower than expected (for them) because I was so depressed at the time that I just couldn't concentrate, and didn't really care to do my best anyhow. Also, I was completely zonked on meds. It also turns out that I have dyscalculia, so when it comes to all the numbers and the spacial orientation, I score relatively low compared to the rest.
Anyway, I remember reading the results and there being something about "there's a risk in overestimating her because her verbal intelligence is higher than the other categories" (in other words, she sounds smarter than she is). And I was like....guys, seriously?

Makes you wonder..

Woop woop, so I blocked my ex-boss on Facebook and what a relief! It's such a small thing, it's funny how it can make such an impact. Although I still feel hypervigilant a lot of the time and work hasn't left my mind yet, it seems to be moving a little farther towards the back of my mind now.
This morning I didn't wake up until 11. I didn't go to bed particularly late, probably around 22.00. I have the tendency to try and rationalise this, and then, if I don't have a "good enough reason" to be tired, I tell myself I can't be tired and I push it away. I didn't do that today, I just let myself be tired. Because whether it makes sense to me or not, doesn't change how I feel, right?
I know where that comes from though. My parents would often tell me I was lazy and make remarks like "what do you have to be tired about? You're a kid, you don't do anything". So I always feel like I need a reason to feel what I feel. Which is nonsense. Trying to slowly let that go.

Hi Armadillo,

I really appreciate you checking in, and your previous post was very helpful. I hadn't had time and energy to come in and update just yet, but i'm ok.

My last day was alright. I'm glad my boss wasn't there. I almost felt guilty for leaving though, after my other colleagues were so lovely. It hasn't quite set in that it's over, that's going to take a while.

As expected, my boss left a comment on my facebook post (I posted that i'd had my last day). She said something to make herself and the company sound great, and then, in her own passive aggressive "smiling through her teeth" style, made a comment about how it was a shame that our goodbye had to be like this (online, since she is on holiday and I avoided her on the last day we worked together). It was so obvious that it was a jab at me, it was almost funny. I'm awaiting her return to work, because I'm also expecting a passive aggressive email from her about how I have already handed in all my stuff, while most people drop in later for that. Obviously, I handed everything in because I never want to have to go back there, and she knows it.
Anyway, later next week after i've had my last paycheck and when she's finished with all the reasons she could have to check in with me, i'm going to block her from facebook.

I got an email Friday from my trainer from a course i'm training, asking me when i'm going to pick it up again (it's been on hold due to covid and due to my own mental health) and it really stressed me out. I feel pressured, and right now I just want to be left alone. I told her i'm taking the next few weeks for myself. I hope she doesn't make me re-do the last module (apparently there's an expiration date on that...).

I had a really nice time friday night with my band, my bassist celebrated his birthday with us around a campfire in his back yard. There was wine, guitars, singing and it was lovely.

Furthermore, i'm really tired and all over the place with my emotions. The difference is that now I can keep reminding myself that I can let it happen. I have time and space to feel bad and let it be there, so i'm going to use that.

I'm currently obsessed with the song "Defying Gravity" from Wicked. It's symbolic, beautiful, and I ugly cry every time Elphaba goes up into the air.

Guys, i'm stressed out.

I would have thought i'd be feeling a lot better now. Tomorrow is my last day at my horrible job, which is good news. Also, i've taken care of all the last things I needed to do before the end of the academic year, and I start my new job at that school after the summer. I'm going to have a few weeks of summer holidays to rest and prepare, and i'm really looking forward to the new job. A new sense of belonging, nice people, doing what i'm good at, not to mention the financial stability. Also, I got amazing news yesterday: I got a letter about my name change yesterday, and it looks like they are going to grant me my mothers surname! There's some more stuff that needs to be taken care of, but it's looking good.
All these things are positive, and I expected to be feeling more relaxed now. But i'm not.


The past two years have been * on earth. Not just because of the pandemic, but that sure made the situation exponentially worse. With everything happening in my private life, combined with the stresses of lockdown (isolation, losing income, losing all the things that make my life enjoyable and worthwhile, losing my sense of autonomy...), I've been numbing myself just to survive. For the past two years i've been continuously oscillating beween numb/depressed, and waves of extreme stress/anxiety/grief/frustration. Things seemed to be looking up the past few weeks as things started to re-open and life started going back to normal. However, for the past few days, the number of positive tests have been rising. At the same time, we see the number of people in hospital/ICU at an all time low, and still declining. Which is completely logical: the majority of people in my country are vaccinated now. Asymptomatic people are obligated to test themselves in order to take part in events. Because of this dramatic increase in testing, we're obviously going to see higher numbers of positive tests (either from asymptomatic infections, or from false positives which is the inevitable result of testing healthy people). The vaccination doesn't prevent infection, it just prevents you from getting really ill from said infection. So it would make sense that we're seeing more positive tests, alongside a decrease in hospital admissions. Technically, that's exactly what we want. It proves that the strategy is working. People get infected, but no longer get sick. Thus no more excessive pressure on the healthcare system, which was the whole point of lockdown.
However, the government is freaking out and considering locking us down again. Just because of the positive test numbers.

When I heard this, this afternoon, I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.
I know I look calm on the outside and continue to go about my business and live my life. But on the inside, the only thing keeping me going, is thinking of death. Not that I want to die (on the contrary, I want to LIVE, but NOT LIKE THIS), but thinking that I at least have an escape rope is the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.
I've been stretched so thin for the past two years that the tinest little thing sets me off inside. I can hardly handle anything anymore, I'm constantly stressed, my body feels tight and painful, I have palpitations, and I hardly enjoy anything anymore because I need to stay numb. I feel burned out. But I have to keep going, so I do.
I'm absolutely terrified that we're going back into lockdown. I don't know if I can take it. I can't stand having the government constantly deciding for me what I can and can't do, and playing groups of people out against one another. Social control. No matter what your opinion, you can't think or say anything without being ostracised by someone. And when I imagine escaping, I realize that there's nowhere to go: the whole world is involved. I feel trapped, and there's no end in sight. There's no logic, I can't predict what's going to happen and when this will end, and that makes me go crazy inside. It feels like....other things I don't want to remember.

I know i'll get through it, simply because I have to and I have a pretty good track record so far. But you know what scares me even more?
I'm absolutely terrified of what will happen when all this dies down, my life goes back to normal, and I can relax. Because with everything i've been pushing down and numbing for the past two years just in order to survive, there's going to be a tidal wave of emotions wating for me. It ain't over when it's over.

I'm sorry for this long rant, but I need to get it off my chest. I don't really know where else to turn, I don't feel safe or comfortable confiding in anyone. Even when I tell them my thoughts, I don't let the emotions peek through (even to myself). But i'm really struggling immensely with all this.