Learning to heal, Larry's journey

[rainydiary]

Thinking of you Larry.

[Larry]

58 days without a drink,   i just couldn't do it anymore,  I found the vodka my wife keeps hidden,   and i plan on drinking all of it.   I just get to where i don't know what else to do.   I don't want to die, but I don't want to keep feeling the pain i live with.     I am so lost.    I hope I wake up tomorrow

[Blueberry]

Thinking of you Larry. Hope you can NOT drink, but standing with you however you decide.

Just want to let you know that alcohol isn't one of my addictions but I lean on the addictions I do have with great regularity. So, from that point of view, standing with you.

[Armee]

 

Stay with us, Larry

[Larry]

I'm sorry,   i give up.    i don't know what to do.    i just want to be numb,   and forget,   or just not be here anymore

[Armee]

It's normal to feel that way, with untreated cPTSD. 
It really sucks, but it is also treatable. Hang in there the best you can. Survive to tomorrow. Throw on a movie, go for a walk, play a dumb video game like fruit ninja. Just make it to tomorrow alive.

[Blueberry]

 

Zone out some way. Sleep (if you can).

[Mandox]

I hope you are okay.  I understand you feel hopeless right now, but there is always a grain of light.  I feel for you. 

[Larry]

I am so sorry,   i don't know why i get that way.   I drank a lot last night,  I really don't like doing that to myself.   I had a long talk with a friend,  turns out she is seeing the same therapist as I am.   She is 9 months sober,  and on meds,   seems to be working for her.  I might be willing to try meds,   I have always been so afraid of them.   I just want to feel normal   

[Armee]

I'm glad you are here, Larry.

[Larry]

thank you Armee 

[rainydiary]

Larry, I am glad you had that conversation with your friend and hope that you find a way that works for you.  I am glad you are here.

[Larry]

thank you rainy...   I really try not to get like that,   

[rainydiary]

Larry, from where I am sitting, you are a human and we don't always get it right.  I hope that you find ways to lessen the burden you are carrying. 

[Armee]

 

Well said Rainy, and Larry, I agree. It's OK, Larry, it's trauma. You've started back up with therapy after a rough first go of it. Be proud if you can. (If you can't that's OK too, I can't take positive)

Have you read Gabor Mate's book on addiction and trauma, "in the realm of hungry ghosts?" If not it might really help you understand what's going on and not be so hard on yourself?