I got this tracking - POSSIBLE TRIGGERS/PLSE DON"T REPLY

[I got this]

Posted August 26 (edited)
Hello I'm just making this thread to track my own awareness of complex ptsd as a source of ED and other behaviours.

Please don't reply

[I got this]

The first Pete Walker excerpt I found was on  BED support group page:
www.pete-walker.com%2Fpdf%2FemotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf&h=AT0qjrFDqIeK1pfq9zFRnebb4oBN90lP4McJOT7o-1fjytF4s0IggkIxD3b5UmuPsrtBBwXSoxkJyVrOpj454mfZQGy6Umue6Uqqm7jLq04SO4jHC6V4UMXyVDlKHYsK7WdgZQ

[I got this]

Im not sure about this, but,
Emotional Neglect (one cause of complex ptsd) qaire.  From Dr Jonice Webb and other websites :

Do You...

1. Sometimes feel like you don't belong when with your family or friends ?

2. Pride yourself on not relying upon others ?

3. Have difficulty asking for help ?

4. Have friends or family who complain that you are aloof or distant ?

5. Feel you have not met your potential in life ?

6. Often just want to be left alone ?

7. Secretly feel that you may be a fraud ?

8. Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations ?

9. Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself ?

10. Judge yourself more harshly than you judge others ?

11. Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking?

12. Find it easier to love animals than people ?

13. Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason?

14. Have trouble knowing what you're feeling ?

15. Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses?

16. Sometimes feel like you're on the outside looking in ?

17. Believe you're one of those people who could easily live as a hermit ?

18. Have trouble calming yourself ?

19. Feel there's something holding you back from being present in the moment?

20. At times feel empty inside ?

21. Secretly feel there's something wrong with you ?

22. Struggle with self-discipline ?

Edited August 29

[I got this]

Posted September 3
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2671954/

Topirmiate (Topamax) is used for epilepsy, migraine, PTSD, mood disorders, addictice behaviours and more.

It reportedly has some full on side effects (its nick named Dopamax). 

How Topamax (topirimate) chills you out:

Reduces neuronal excitability by blocking sodium channels

Increases GABA neuronal inhibitory response (at 3h after dosing, Topirimate 25mg, would increase brain GABA by 9.4%  weight dependent).

Antagonises glutamate transmission at the AMPA receptor

Possible that Ca channel antagonism is a mood stabiliser.

[I got this]

Posted September 3
The best book so far found on CPTSD, Pete Walker, Surviving to Thriving
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842

[I got this]

Somebody on another site recommended this book to me, I have a sample on my Kindle now (10 Sept).
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk.

[I got this]

Then my first post on here, Sep 6!

Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here / New Here got this but need some help
« on: September 06, 2018, 12:42:03 PM »
Adult female with childhood instilled trauma.  Still wanting to speak to a pro, but from Pete Walker book etc, these words seem appropriate :
verbal,  emotional,  physical, emotional abandonment, despised,  shamed, fear, favoritism.
The worst thing now is realising that I did early forgiveness, as I had no idea all this stuff was still there to heal. 
it was majorly re-triggered by  getting into relationship with a narc.
I have noone to verbally ventilate with, despite asking for help in several directions.  It's a waiting game.  Which is the worst.  I don't want to let it fester anymore,  but where else to put it if I can't get help?
I'm typical of someone who wasn't sexually abused; I trivialize and make excuses for it. 
In my twenties I decided not to have kids, as my experience of the world was not one I wanted to bear someone into (though at the time I had no idea I was looking through the lens of abuse ).
Once I escaped the helplessness (but academic perfection) of the home,  I became flight type.  I learnt how to participate fully (I had not be allowed to before ). 
I eventually burned out completely with illness and became more freeze type, with hypervigilence but lost assertiveness.
The messages I got are coming back loud in my head and body.  I'm only just now understanding that those are NOT things that are said to kids in a 'normal'  family.   
So really need to process that now and get on with a great life!
Thanks and best wishes

[I got this]

September 07, 2018, 04:16:12 AM »
Thank you everyone for the welcome,  encouragement and book recommendation 😀😀  looking forward to finding my way around.
when I was 15 I described a feeling in my chest of aching ice cold.   There's still. That sensation there.   A hurt in my chest.  I think it's the aloneness.  My heart is all alone.   I'm here to heal 😀

[I got this]

Starting to make sense of cPTSD as a cause for BED:

Eating Issues / POSSIBLE TRIGGER My experience with food / body issues, as a symptom
« on: September 07, 2018, 12:24:11 PM »
Imy not sure yet , but it seems to.me as though the (my) father was the bully with his own unique blend of stress, paranoia,  loneliness and probably cptsd from his own life.   He took it out on me with anger , physical  and verbal hostility,  mocking.  It was a weird world.  One where I could be welcomed one minute and despised the next.  It certainly wasn't safe,  either physically or emotionally.
I wasn't the only one who suffered this.  My mum got it .  Name calling,  physical abuse,  control.   She was stressed and depressed to the max at times though feelings were smothered in our house so I felt all this but it was never acknowledged.   I heard her shrieks and cries though.  And their hollering.   
I'm not sure if mums eating to cope was already a thing she did before dad,  but I noticed it happening.  And I joined in from an early age on the restriction diets.  And later , on my own,  I joined in on secret binging.  Then occasional purging.  Then my flight type enjoyed compulsive exercise! !  Then the burnt out body became sick and once again, numbed out (freeze type) with movies and binging.   As the weight went on and all the self loathing (dad's name calling and learnt isolation ) unconsciously took me down its path to nowhere,  I decided purging was my only option.  It was still only 'occasional' , but once I noticed I was up to once a week,  I knew I had a problem I couldn't solve alone.
I made myself stop and presumed fat fear would stop me binging but it didn't!  Fat fear didn't make me compulsively exercise either.  Or even moderately exercise!   This was something new I had no idea who I was now or how to handle it.
Glad to be rid of some behaviour but stuck with others!
That's when I went to doc and he told me about cptsd.  It made a lot of sense.
I've always had the food and body image issues, but I could never find a root cause for them.
no matter how closely I had looked , I could nor find anything rotten enough that happened to me.
I had decided years ago (wrongly it seems ) that I had food and body issues because I was brought up with them,  mirroring my mother and society in general.
What I had never seen clearly before is the harsh environment that both my mother and I were in.  The fat shaming,  the atmosphere of control and fear;  the needing to be something different to attempt to pacify the jekyll and Hyde that monitored us. 
Besides the family pain and feeling that,  I was blamed for my mother's breakdown (f you dad, you can take that one),  a robbery of my parents business,  I was punched, throttled,  left to pick myself up when I fell in a bed of nettles at 6 (dad walked off ), called all sorts of things like " unlovable,  cold hearted * (well yes u had become that by teens hadn't I! ), Noone will ever put up with you,  that won't last (any relationship ), fat, stupid,  horrid little girl ". 
I think that's enough for today.
Since I found about cptsd, I have taken a very low dose of a med to help with sleeping and have been having 3 meals a day.  It's like a switch flicked.
Acknowledgement is key.
And I guess I am just ripe for healing.
I've certainly put the yards in to get to this point.
Best wishes to all.

[I got this]

Todays update, 10 Sep 18.
Ive done so much reading on cPTSD that its now nauseating!
Ive got so many questions for a professional.  I want to know if the 'nasty' things he did and said to me and my mum were not okay. 
Since the second pro suggested to me cPTSD, I felt like the final piece of the jigsaw of what makes me, me, has slot into place.  Aha!  I finally get me!   That was not normal stuff that went down!  I can relax around that.
Its not normal to be a malevolent adult male, watch your Wife have a breakdown, and then scapegoat it on your challenging teenager.  Why is she challenging?  Because youre malevolent perhaps? Who knows?  Memories are too fragmented for me to have any objective perspective on them.
Topirimate 25, melatonin 1.5, lavender, breathing, mindful, walking, nature, yoga. Geez now I know why all the alternative strategies didnt help me for long in the past.  Now I know why I burnt out.  Now I know why that last relationship was a massive retrigger.

[I got this]

2012 ACSA PRACTICE GUIDELINES
FOR TREATMENT OF
COMPLEX TRAUMA
AND TRAUMA INFORMED CARE
AND SERVICE DELIVERY
https://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/ASCA_Practice%20Guidelines%20for%20the%20Treatment%20of%20Complex%20Trauma.pdf

[I got this]

 dream from two nights ago....
I am snot sleeping very well at all the past 4 nights.  Really bad.  So i guess im more sensitised to triggers.
And its just before my period.  Some Im more sensitised to my triggers. 

Triggers current:

1 - In the house I live, one person you can never do anything right. Im on edge always at 'home' just waiting to be told off. The person has such curt and cold communication style as well.  I cant relax.  I have been turning again to my distractions, which then create a whole nother pile of mental crap on top of what is already there.  Im doing so well, I dont want a person in a house to be the thing that edges me off into severe discomfort again, but I dont know how to handle these (emo flashbacks?) yet.

2 - At work (short contract) there is some bitchiness and cliqueiness and everyone is stressed.  One person is always snappy at tme, she defo directs her * at me, and giggles with everyone else.  She defo doesnt use wise speech, but I can guess she is stressed and just mouthing off/acting out as part of her own stress handling.  I found it interesting that in the team meeting, the leader said "please remember to be considerate in the way you are talking about things, as our work is also a personal matter, we all put a lot of time and effort into our work.  If you speak badly of the work, people will take it personally, so please be considerate in the way you are speaking".  nailed it.  The one woman who directs her * at me isnt thinking about repercussions on others, doesnt seem to care.  I dont want to be there.  If I could make it so I dont have to go back, I would, but we all need to work right?  Its a massive trigger for me; to be mocked and snarled at and targetted in a seemingly personal way.  On top of that, its in an environment where noone seems particularly happy.  Ill speak to the agency.  If they have anything else I will leave.  Life is too short to spend it dreading going somewhere, and leaving a bit early because you feel so pulled down by being there.

3 - My car smells of burning.   Ive had 2 car accidents ('regular' PTSD) so burning smell is a massive trigger for me.

4 - Im preparing to speak to a pro this week, and I have been doing lots of reading about abuse/cptsd, yet have no outlet, so its all building up.  Into a emo flashback/pms tension triggered distraction seeking, self loathing, freeze type, imploding boom.

Oh the dream!  I was in an old house on top of a hill.  Like you see in Count Dracula movies up a hill.  Only the house wasnt like that; It was more a wooden shack.  I was waiting for other cptsd survivors to arrive!  I was waiting so they could tell me if I was the same as them.  I was quite anxious for them to arrive before some other entity did.  I  needed to know this as a priority.  I kept walking around the room, looking out through cracks between the wooden planks, into the darkness outside.  I could tell someone was coming but I didnt think it was the people who already had a diagnosis and I felt scared and desperate for a comrade to arrive.  I checked outside, and as I swung back inside someone ran through indoors quickly.  I was scared.  It was an overgrown boy carrying a scarecrow.  The boy was grinning at me, as if I should have been happy to see him arrive, yet I was scared.  Although I felt uneasy, I was no longer scared, I could see he was not going to physically threaten me.  But I had no idea what to do with him.  He was in my space and I didnt want him there, but also I felt sorry for him so how could I chuck him out?  And I was concerned that if I did, he would turn.  The dream ended.  It wasnt until waking state that I realised the face of the boy was the face of my Dad (the supposed abuser) as a child. 

I figure a scarecrow is not going to really harm.  My Dad just wanted/s to be loved like anybody else, but was awkward about it.  Like I am awkward about it.  I didnt want him there, just like he didnt want me there.  I wasnt happy to see him arrive, just as he wasnt happy to see me arrive when I paid my parents a surprise visit.   I had literally got my camera out to photo what I thought would be their welcoming smiles, but my Dad came to the door with an unmistakable grimace "oh no, what are you doing here?".  I have the photo to prove it.  There is no joy or shock in his eyes, only dismay.  'I was only joking' he said later 'you're too sensitive you are'. My heart was sunken.  On my last visit (there are years between visits), I had tears welling up in my eyes, which anyone could have noticed.  Did he not  notice, or did he not know how to respond, or did he not want to respond (dont want to deal with that, dont encourage it).  And he is the one who called me (as a child and teenager) stone hearted, cold, *.  Wonder where I got that from. 

My Mum told me that I was very huggy until I was 10.  I wonder what happened then?  Tween hormones?  Cant blame it on drink or drugs or boys at 10, thats for sure.  I can palpably remember body shame from 11, and I was a chubber before that (puppy fat).  I wonder if my Dad used to call me fat. I would have heard him snarling at Mum calling her fat, that's for sure.  He used that as ammunition, without a doubt.

Since this has all started coming up again, I dont want to talk much to him on the phone. I want to talk to Mum.  But shes always asleep.  Poor Dad.  He thinks we got past what ever was there.  I had never realised what was there to look at.  I didnt realise how sadistic you were before (Dad person).  You slaved your guts out working for us, but you resented us for it.  You would have probably resented us anyway, for some other reason, as your pain had to come out in some direction.  And hey.  Little me.  Easy target.  You was not counting on me being uncontrollable, wayward, rebellious.  You didnt know id run to the wrong side of the tracks and hang with those people.  You didnt know it would totally blow up in your face.  You had no idea the despising you dished out would make your life a misery as I mirrored it right back to you.  You didnt know you 'little girl' who you left stinging in the nettles (yet defended from a dog) would cut herself and loathe herself and blame herself (just as you had made her believe) for everyone elses pain and suffering.  What was it?  Evil?  Yes evil is what you called me.  Evil little girl.  Horrible little girl.  Viscous. 

A punch couldnt stop me (that was for a hickie, bit OTT dont you think? Oh well - had the effect of me seeking lots of sex at 15/16, so nice tactic, go you, great parenting).  Mum saved me from strangulation.  I cant remember how that one felt.  Dont know how tight or for how long.  Probably very quick. Mum was strong when she wanted to be.  You defo never said sorry for that.  Ive just realised in this very moment that you never ever said sorry for any of it.  "Sorry for punching you.  Sorry for hitting you. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for taking my anger out on you.  Sorry for scaring your friends away.  Sorry for only communicating with anger or appraisal of achievements.  Sorry for being so * confusing by giving you things like school trips and an education and music lessons and letting you think that practical needs were the only needs."  You never said sorry.  Ever wonder why I was such a * teenager who had zero respect for your rules and walked right past your boundaries and then some and never saw the need to apologise.   "you do whatever you like you do, you don't give a * about anyone else, how the f did I end up with s s like you?".  Hmm, wonder where I learnt it from.  Mirror mirror.  And up until this point, I really had seen the teenage behaviour as a mystery.  I thought I was just a born *. 
* u.

[I got this]

Visit with a pro for my first real chat about this today.
Was good to just have a yarn.
At the end it was suggested that I understand how the adult who abused our household came to be that way.   I did all of that a long time ago.   But at that time I hadn't understood why I was such a messed up little girlie with so much angst and self harm and drugs and on.  At that time I had still believed his words that I was born rotten.  Now I understand I was shaped that way.  Passed on pain.
So maybe now I can get on  with forgiveness from a new vantage.   I really don't have the energy to anger again,  or despise him like he despised me and probably how he felt despised by his family member.
But I do have to learn to deal with all the triggers.  Firstly the b%%% at work.  And the current sleep derivativation.  And waiting for my period to just happen for the tension release feel.  And the illness I now live with as a result of years of hypervigiilrnce and self abuse.  It's certainly all making sense. And I have already decided to cut the hours at work if it's too much again tomorrow. I am the only one who has the power to self manage health and the only one who will do what's right for herself.   So I will do what is required.
I wonder if I can have a chance at relationship again.

[I got this]

Today was great, and then very backwards
Had a great day with friend talking about these topics.
But havent slept well in over a week.  And another thing is making me ultrasenstive. and then a trigger struck for an emo flashback.  And I guess I didnt give myself any time to just sit with it. 
My usual distraction technique that hasnt visited for some time, reared its head unexpectedly. 
I feel angry at the situation that caused the lack of sleep.  its actually a neighbour making lots of noise AM and PM so there is no decent window of sleep.  They are going away in just over 2 week so there will be some respite. But until then?  I feel all grumbly.  Why is there always something to get in the way of wellbeing.  I just want to sleep!  Its not asking much is it?
Grr angry at being so tired that I slipped into distraction instead of dealing with myself. grrr.

[I got this]

Short video explaining why/how mantra meditation is so beneficial (some might say essential) for people dealing with hypervigilence from trauma.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFM7ZsgRrJk