Posted August 26 (edited)
Hello I'm just making this thread to track my own awareness of complex ptsd as a source of ED and other behaviours.
Please don't reply
:)
The first Pete Walker excerpt I found was on BED support group page:
www.pete-walker.com%2Fpdf%2FemotionalNeglectComplexPTSD.pdf&h=AT0qjrFDqIeK1pfq9zFRnebb4oBN90lP4McJOT7o-1fjytF4s0IggkIxD3b5UmuPsrtBBwXSoxkJyVrOpj454mfZQGy6Umue6Uqqm7jLq04SO4jHC6V4UMXyVDlKHYsK7WdgZQ
Im not sure about this, but,
Emotional Neglect (one cause of complex ptsd) qaire. From Dr Jonice Webb and other websites :
Do You...
1. Sometimes feel like you don't belong when with your family or friends ?
2. Pride yourself on not relying upon others ?
3. Have difficulty asking for help ?
4. Have friends or family who complain that you are aloof or distant ?
5. Feel you have not met your potential in life ?
6. Often just want to be left alone ?
7. Secretly feel that you may be a fraud ?
8. Tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations ?
9. Often feel disappointed with, or angry at, yourself ?
10. Judge yourself more harshly than you judge others ?
11. Compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking?
12. Find it easier to love animals than people ?
13. Often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason?
14. Have trouble knowing what you're feeling ?
15. Have trouble identifying your strengths and weaknesses?
16. Sometimes feel like you're on the outside looking in ?
17. Believe you're one of those people who could easily live as a hermit ?
18. Have trouble calming yourself ?
19. Feel there's something holding you back from being present in the moment?
20. At times feel empty inside ?
21. Secretly feel there's something wrong with you ?
22. Struggle with self-discipline ?
Edited August 29
Posted September 3
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2671954/
Topirmiate (Topamax) is used for epilepsy, migraine, PTSD, mood disorders, addictice behaviours and more.
It reportedly has some full on side effects (its nick named Dopamax).
How Topamax (topirimate) chills you out:
Reduces neuronal excitability by blocking sodium channels
Increases GABA neuronal inhibitory response (at 3h after dosing, Topirimate 25mg, would increase brain GABA by 9.4% weight dependent).
Antagonises glutamate transmission at the AMPA receptor
Possible that Ca channel antagonism is a mood stabiliser.
Posted September 3
The best book so far found on CPTSD, Pete Walker, Surviving to Thriving
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
Somebody on another site recommended this book to me, I have a sample on my Kindle now (10 Sept).
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk.
Then my first post on here, Sep 6!
Welcome to OOTS - New Members Please Start Here / New Here got this but need some help
« on: September 06, 2018, 12:42:03 PM »
Adult female with childhood instilled trauma. Still wanting to speak to a pro, but from Pete Walker book etc, these words seem appropriate :
verbal, emotional, physical, emotional abandonment, despised, shamed, fear, favoritism.
The worst thing now is realising that I did early forgiveness, as I had no idea all this stuff was still there to heal.
it was majorly re-triggered by getting into relationship with a narc.
I have noone to verbally ventilate with, despite asking for help in several directions. It's a waiting game. Which is the worst. I don't want to let it fester anymore, but where else to put it if I can't get help?
I'm typical of someone who wasn't sexually abused; I trivialize and make excuses for it.
In my twenties I decided not to have kids, as my experience of the world was not one I wanted to bear someone into (though at the time I had no idea I was looking through the lens of abuse ).
Once I escaped the helplessness (but academic perfection) of the home, I became flight type. I learnt how to participate fully (I had not be allowed to before ).
I eventually burned out completely with illness and became more freeze type, with hypervigilence but lost assertiveness.
The messages I got are coming back loud in my head and body. I'm only just now understanding that those are NOT things that are said to kids in a 'normal' family.
So really need to process that now and get on with a great life!
Thanks and best wishes
September 07, 2018, 04:16:12 AM »
Thank you everyone for the welcome, encouragement and book recommendation 😀😀 looking forward to finding my way around.
when I was 15 I described a feeling in my chest of aching ice cold. There's still. That sensation there. A hurt in my chest. I think it's the aloneness. My heart is all alone. I'm here to heal 😀
Starting to make sense of cPTSD as a cause for BED:
Eating Issues / POSSIBLE TRIGGER My experience with food / body issues, as a symptom
« on: September 07, 2018, 12:24:11 PM »
Imy not sure yet , but it seems to.me as though the (my) father was the bully with his own unique blend of stress, paranoia, loneliness and probably cptsd from his own life. He took it out on me with anger , physical and verbal hostility, mocking. It was a weird world. One where I could be welcomed one minute and despised the next. It certainly wasn't safe, either physically or emotionally.
I wasn't the only one who suffered this. My mum got it . Name calling, physical abuse, control. She was stressed and depressed to the max at times though feelings were smothered in our house so I felt all this but it was never acknowledged. I heard her shrieks and cries though. And their hollering.
I'm not sure if mums eating to cope was already a thing she did before dad, but I noticed it happening. And I joined in from an early age on the restriction diets. And later , on my own, I joined in on secret binging. Then occasional purging. Then my flight type enjoyed compulsive exercise! ! Then the burnt out body became sick and once again, numbed out (freeze type) with movies and binging. As the weight went on and all the self loathing (dad's name calling and learnt isolation ) unconsciously took me down its path to nowhere, I decided purging was my only option. It was still only 'occasional' , but once I noticed I was up to once a week, I knew I had a problem I couldn't solve alone.
I made myself stop and presumed fat fear would stop me binging but it didn't! Fat fear didn't make me compulsively exercise either. Or even moderately exercise! This was something new I had no idea who I was now or how to handle it.
Glad to be rid of some behaviour but stuck with others!
That's when I went to doc and he told me about cptsd. It made a lot of sense.
I've always had the food and body image issues, but I could never find a root cause for them.
no matter how closely I had looked , I could nor find anything rotten enough that happened to me.
I had decided years ago (wrongly it seems ) that I had food and body issues because I was brought up with them, mirroring my mother and society in general.
What I had never seen clearly before is the harsh environment that both my mother and I were in. The fat shaming, the atmosphere of control and fear; the needing to be something different to attempt to pacify the jekyll and Hyde that monitored us.
Besides the family pain and feeling that, I was blamed for my mother's breakdown (f you dad, you can take that one), a robbery of my parents business, I was punched, throttled, left to pick myself up when I fell in a bed of nettles at 6 (dad walked off ), called all sorts of things like " unlovable, cold hearted * (well yes u had become that by teens hadn't I! ), Noone will ever put up with you, that won't last (any relationship ), fat, stupid, horrid little girl ".
I think that's enough for today.
Since I found about cptsd, I have taken a very low dose of a med to help with sleeping and have been having 3 meals a day. It's like a switch flicked.
Acknowledgement is key.
And I guess I am just ripe for healing.
I've certainly put the yards in to get to this point.
Best wishes to all.
Todays update, 10 Sep 18.
Ive done so much reading on cPTSD that its now nauseating!
Ive got so many questions for a professional. I want to know if the 'nasty' things he did and said to me and my mum were not okay.
Since the second pro suggested to me cPTSD, I felt like the final piece of the jigsaw of what makes me, me, has slot into place. Aha! I finally get me! That was not normal stuff that went down! I can relax around that.
Its not normal to be a malevolent adult male, watch your Wife have a breakdown, and then scapegoat it on your challenging teenager. Why is she challenging? Because youre malevolent perhaps? Who knows? Memories are too fragmented for me to have any objective perspective on them.
Topirimate 25, melatonin 1.5, lavender, breathing, mindful, walking, nature, yoga. Geez now I know why all the alternative strategies didnt help me for long in the past. Now I know why I burnt out. Now I know why that last relationship was a massive retrigger.
2012 ACSA PRACTICE GUIDELINES
FOR TREATMENT OF
COMPLEX TRAUMA
AND TRAUMA INFORMED CARE
AND SERVICE DELIVERY
https://www.recoveryonpurpose.com/upload/ASCA_Practice%20Guidelines%20for%20the%20Treatment%20of%20Complex%20Trauma.pdf
dream from two nights ago....
I am snot sleeping very well at all the past 4 nights. Really bad. So i guess im more sensitised to triggers.
And its just before my period. Some Im more sensitised to my triggers.
Triggers current:
1 - In the house I live, one person you can never do anything right. Im on edge always at 'home' just waiting to be told off. The person has such curt and cold communication style as well. I cant relax. I have been turning again to my distractions, which then create a whole nother pile of mental crap on top of what is already there. Im doing so well, I dont want a person in a house to be the thing that edges me off into severe discomfort again, but I dont know how to handle these (emo flashbacks?) yet.
2 - At work (short contract) there is some bitchiness and cliqueiness and everyone is stressed. One person is always snappy at tme, she defo directs her * at me, and giggles with everyone else. She defo doesnt use wise speech, but I can guess she is stressed and just mouthing off/acting out as part of her own stress handling. I found it interesting that in the team meeting, the leader said "please remember to be considerate in the way you are talking about things, as our work is also a personal matter, we all put a lot of time and effort into our work. If you speak badly of the work, people will take it personally, so please be considerate in the way you are speaking". nailed it. The one woman who directs her * at me isnt thinking about repercussions on others, doesnt seem to care. I dont want to be there. If I could make it so I dont have to go back, I would, but we all need to work right? Its a massive trigger for me; to be mocked and snarled at and targetted in a seemingly personal way. On top of that, its in an environment where noone seems particularly happy. Ill speak to the agency. If they have anything else I will leave. Life is too short to spend it dreading going somewhere, and leaving a bit early because you feel so pulled down by being there.
3 - My car smells of burning. Ive had 2 car accidents ('regular' PTSD) so burning smell is a massive trigger for me.
4 - Im preparing to speak to a pro this week, and I have been doing lots of reading about abuse/cptsd, yet have no outlet, so its all building up. Into a emo flashback/pms tension triggered distraction seeking, self loathing, freeze type, imploding boom.
Oh the dream! I was in an old house on top of a hill. Like you see in Count Dracula movies up a hill. Only the house wasnt like that; It was more a wooden shack. I was waiting for other cptsd survivors to arrive! I was waiting so they could tell me if I was the same as them. I was quite anxious for them to arrive before some other entity did. I needed to know this as a priority. I kept walking around the room, looking out through cracks between the wooden planks, into the darkness outside. I could tell someone was coming but I didnt think it was the people who already had a diagnosis and I felt scared and desperate for a comrade to arrive. I checked outside, and as I swung back inside someone ran through indoors quickly. I was scared. It was an overgrown boy carrying a scarecrow. The boy was grinning at me, as if I should have been happy to see him arrive, yet I was scared. Although I felt uneasy, I was no longer scared, I could see he was not going to physically threaten me. But I had no idea what to do with him. He was in my space and I didnt want him there, but also I felt sorry for him so how could I chuck him out? And I was concerned that if I did, he would turn. The dream ended. It wasnt until waking state that I realised the face of the boy was the face of my Dad (the supposed abuser) as a child.
I figure a scarecrow is not going to really harm. My Dad just wanted/s to be loved like anybody else, but was awkward about it. Like I am awkward about it. I didnt want him there, just like he didnt want me there. I wasnt happy to see him arrive, just as he wasnt happy to see me arrive when I paid my parents a surprise visit. I had literally got my camera out to photo what I thought would be their welcoming smiles, but my Dad came to the door with an unmistakable grimace "oh no, what are you doing here?". I have the photo to prove it. There is no joy or shock in his eyes, only dismay. 'I was only joking' he said later 'you're too sensitive you are'. My heart was sunken. On my last visit (there are years between visits), I had tears welling up in my eyes, which anyone could have noticed. Did he not notice, or did he not know how to respond, or did he not want to respond (dont want to deal with that, dont encourage it). And he is the one who called me (as a child and teenager) stone hearted, cold, *. Wonder where I got that from.
My Mum told me that I was very huggy until I was 10. I wonder what happened then? Tween hormones? Cant blame it on drink or drugs or boys at 10, thats for sure. I can palpably remember body shame from 11, and I was a chubber before that (puppy fat). I wonder if my Dad used to call me fat. I would have heard him snarling at Mum calling her fat, that's for sure. He used that as ammunition, without a doubt.
Since this has all started coming up again, I dont want to talk much to him on the phone. I want to talk to Mum. But shes always asleep. Poor Dad. He thinks we got past what ever was there. I had never realised what was there to look at. I didnt realise how sadistic you were before (Dad person). You slaved your guts out working for us, but you resented us for it. You would have probably resented us anyway, for some other reason, as your pain had to come out in some direction. And hey. Little me. Easy target. You was not counting on me being uncontrollable, wayward, rebellious. You didnt know id run to the wrong side of the tracks and hang with those people. You didnt know it would totally blow up in your face. You had no idea the despising you dished out would make your life a misery as I mirrored it right back to you. You didnt know you 'little girl' who you left stinging in the nettles (yet defended from a dog) would cut herself and loathe herself and blame herself (just as you had made her believe) for everyone elses pain and suffering. What was it? Evil? Yes evil is what you called me. Evil little girl. Horrible little girl. Viscous.
A punch couldnt stop me (that was for a hickie, bit OTT dont you think? Oh well - had the effect of me seeking lots of sex at 15/16, so nice tactic, go you, great parenting). Mum saved me from strangulation. I cant remember how that one felt. Dont know how tight or for how long. Probably very quick. Mum was strong when she wanted to be. You defo never said sorry for that. Ive just realised in this very moment that you never ever said sorry for any of it. "Sorry for punching you. Sorry for hitting you. Sorry for scaring you. Sorry for taking my anger out on you. Sorry for scaring your friends away. Sorry for only communicating with anger or appraisal of achievements. Sorry for being so * confusing by giving you things like school trips and an education and music lessons and letting you think that practical needs were the only needs." You never said sorry. Ever wonder why I was such a * teenager who had zero respect for your rules and walked right past your boundaries and then some and never saw the need to apologise. "you do whatever you like you do, you don't give a * about anyone else, how the f did I end up with s s like you?". Hmm, wonder where I learnt it from. Mirror mirror. And up until this point, I really had seen the teenage behaviour as a mystery. I thought I was just a born *.
* u.
Visit with a pro for my first real chat about this today.
Was good to just have a yarn.
At the end it was suggested that I understand how the adult who abused our household came to be that way. I did all of that a long time ago. But at that time I hadn't understood why I was such a messed up little girlie with so much angst and self harm and drugs and on. At that time I had still believed his words that I was born rotten. Now I understand I was shaped that way. Passed on pain.
So maybe now I can get on with forgiveness from a new vantage. I really don't have the energy to anger again, or despise him like he despised me and probably how he felt despised by his family member.
But I do have to learn to deal with all the triggers. Firstly the b%%% at work. And the current sleep derivativation. And waiting for my period to just happen for the tension release feel. And the illness I now live with as a result of years of hypervigiilrnce and self abuse. It's certainly all making sense. And I have already decided to cut the hours at work if it's too much again tomorrow. I am the only one who has the power to self manage health and the only one who will do what's right for herself. So I will do what is required.
I wonder if I can have a chance at relationship again.
Today was great, and then very backwards
Had a great day with friend talking about these topics.
But havent slept well in over a week. And another thing is making me ultrasenstive. and then a trigger struck for an emo flashback. And I guess I didnt give myself any time to just sit with it.
My usual distraction technique that hasnt visited for some time, reared its head unexpectedly.
I feel angry at the situation that caused the lack of sleep. its actually a neighbour making lots of noise AM and PM so there is no decent window of sleep. They are going away in just over 2 week so there will be some respite. But until then? I feel all grumbly. Why is there always something to get in the way of wellbeing. I just want to sleep! Its not asking much is it?
Grr angry at being so tired that I slipped into distraction instead of dealing with myself. grrr.
Short video explaining why/how mantra meditation is so beneficial (some might say essential) for people dealing with hypervigilence from trauma.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFM7ZsgRrJk
Its been nearly 4 weeks since I started the low dose nervous system soother med. At first it worked really well (for about 3 weeks) for impulsivity. But now the impulsivity is showing itself again.
It could just be because I am horridly tired. The kind of tired where you dream of calling in sick just so you can perhaps catch up on some zzzs (noisy neighbours).
Everything gets a bit harder when we are tired doesnt it.
My mind certainly goes wandering when Im tired. I think everyone is against me in some small way.
I believe that everyone is nit picking my words or actions or looks, or past actions or past words!! I believe I am being judged harshly.
And I also have a brand new stress that, now I come to think of it, is grating me quite badly, and I dont really know what to do about it.
If I explained fully here, It would leave me open to identification. But lets say my personal information is in serious breach with medical establishment. A non clinical staff member has had access to my information, and it is someone I would rather not know a thing about me. It is a very unsettling and unsafe situation.
I dont really know what to do about it. Ill speak to the clinical staff tomorrow and find out exactly what is going on. I will potentially cease contact but its too late already. I dont trust the person to keep the information confidential. Too many lines have been crossed.
I better not dramatise it before I get my facts straight, but yes, Id say that extra stress and the tiredness have meant I am back in those old patterns.
Verbal Ventilation. A requirement for healing?
I am wondering of I really need VV with a professional to get past this mpst recent epiphany about who I am; what made me this way.
There's no doubt it would certainly be helpful. A (hopefully) safe space for getting it all out there; for getting another perspective to feelings I cannot find my way around.
But if I insist to myself that I need that, I if I cannot access it, then that leaves me in even more of a stress than before!
So somehow I need to hope that I get the funding (one month and still waiting to hear), whilst still somehow moving forward without help, and fully expect to continue moving forward without professional help.
Im not quite sure how to achieve this, other than letting go of the expectation of support and moving forward from that point.
Will I get the pro support? Maybe, who knows. So what can I do in the meantime?
I can continue trying to get enough sleep! (I have strategies!).
When I have had enough sleep the triggers are less (reactivity is less) and the EFs less and the acting out into freeze or dissociation is less. When all these things align, I have more pleasant experience of everyday life (i think thats probably true for everyone with the sleep!). I feel more confident. Intrusive (unconsciously generated) thoughts are less. The bpdy is calm. The breath is still. I am free to love and contribute.
So what happens if I cann ot get enough sleep? Well certainly past experience would say that I will be on the edge of my own personal *. On the edge of running away (flight) from my own life and responsibilities. On the edge of coping. On the edge of contributing or not.
It is at these no (less) sleep times, that I wonder if happiness is even really a thing. Thats how much the mind can twist into shapes of feeling and contort to narrow possibilites of pain and discomfort.
I start to panic at these times. I panic about how will I ever get enough sleep? As health feels like it is unravelling, i barely sustain work. If I cant sustain work then how will I ever get my own place. If I cant do that then I will always have to suffer (!) the comings and goings of others. So then I imagine a future of no sleep. Its amazing where the mind goes, given a chance, it will lead down a dark path!!!
Have a stretch, go to bed, wear your ear plugs, pray for sleep. :)
On a Good Day
So often we use these baords and forums when we are having a bad day. Days arent always bad. Some great things are happening here. Everyday is different and as much as I ackowledge "never expect this to last" (the good times or the bad), I will never see the harm in basking in the more pleasant experiences of life.
Living with complex PTSD during Winter, in a foreign land, with few connections, on low income, in a sick body, has to be just about one of the hardest experiences I can remember. But that's probably because it was the most recent so I can remember it! As time passes and the new diagnosis of Cptsd (shoe seems to fit) sinks in, and the limitations of the physical illness/disability become clear, there is plenty to learn to accept. THis is my new life. On some days this is with ease, and on others, when thoughts of income, job prospects ec (basic survival in the modern world) rear their head, it seems like a nightmare has resumed, as I project fear into the future.
At the same time, there is plenty to celebrate. Spring has sprung. New connections are made. Existing loose networks are beginning to take shape, become deeper, more trusting, greater sharing on a level that feels authentic. The big issues at work are resolving as management decide to change the system, so everybody is less stressed and people are not being as (accidentally) nasty with their words. The noisy neighbour is set to move, so as long as the new one isnt the same, regular sleep could become a thing!
Anything could change. A week of sleepless nights could make everything become a trigger; But a new found respect for meditation as an amygdala soother, and a new understanding of WHY i personally need that so bad (amygdala in cptsd) gives hope. Doing too much physically could set me off on a flare of disabilty, potentially trashing income prospects and a social life (again for the 20th time!!!!), but at least now I have an understanding of what is happening in the physiology (having lived with the symptoms at varying degrees for a lifetime). Im starting to accept those physical limitations - I could not do that before I understood what was happening.
Everyday is different.
Small wins amongst some bewilderment .
I cannot say I am cured. There are certainly some freeze behaviour's still happening. And what about eating too much. Is that dissociation or numbing? Distraction?
I must have got triggered by someone trying to lay their financial responsibility upon me. After the conversation there was no bad feeling and only an imagined worry in the future that may not happen. Bit I felt jacked up, wired.
It didn't cross my mind to consider I was in an EF. Partly because I am not practiced at that, and partly because my thinking mind knew this particular person was being stupid but weren't trying to hurt me on purpose.
It ha's taken me 5 hours of numbing out into screens (movies and Facebook and study - so that's a win), and food, being completely immobile, to pop out the other side.
I have naturally dropped into a calm breath, turned the screen off and on goes the evening. But what a waste??!! Or maybe not. I guess I rode it out.
Small wins I say. Once upon a time that could have turned into ED behavior, or given half the chance a few joints (actually weed once a week was very helpful), on a weekend long ago it could have been drinking to memory loss; as a teenager it could have been cutting or a suicide attempt or at the very least inconsolably crying alone .
I was always left alone.
Maybe that was more my trigger tonight than the actual conversation. The 'fact' that there is still no one to compare notes of the day with, discuss emotions or experience. No other perspective than my own mind.
On another small win is that some of the clinical blood markers of the physical stuff had improved today! ! MorE results tomorrow! !
Opps I did It again!
I guess I should start wwriting here as soon as I feel myself moving towards the auto behaviour (choose whichever freeze.flight/fight/fawn comes to mind). But it is so auto, that I am willingly, rapidly, moved towards it, as if IT is my soother, that I need.
Then of course some regret, some shame, some musings of self compassion that are hard to linger on, because im off again into flight mode (at least in my brain/thoughts). Hard to settle again.
I thought this was over with, I really did. I thought I had found my magic combination of solutions.
I thought I felt good pretty consistently lately. So why has it happened again?
Im tired. Is that why?
One thing is for sure.....I need to write here as soon as it stirs in me. I need to avoid it happening , so that the molehill does not turn into an unncessary mountain (and general unrest).
If the reader knew what I had done, they would really wonder what the big deal is. I guess we all have our ideal. Our fairly set idea of what is okay and not for our own actions and way of showing up in the world, whether public or private.
What would cause a person to continually walk all over herself privately? What would cause her to turn her back on herself; to wind herself up more; to take herself from relaxed to agitated within minutes?
Can it really, really be the triggers? Can it be EFs? I think its quite possible. After all, the cirsumstances are 100% right to be a flshback. Back to when I was young. Back to when I was alone.
And the strange thing is, that I had found my soother, My helpful soother. And it was my friend for years, And now I just cannot settle to be with it.
Isnt it funny what the mind will make a big deal of? All that really happening is some neurotransmitters and hormones are flying around in the system; At the same time some old thoughts and images (not even accurate ones) and playing. I guess the images and physicality get associated to each other. And then they get louder than anything else that is present. And then we want away from it. So we do whatever we think will solve problem quickest!
But it doesnt solve the problem. It never has. So why continue?
CAUGHT TRIGGER IN ACTION - NO IDEA WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT!!
I read in one of the cptsd books (either a Bessel book or Paul Walker one), that there can be some great conflict, within an individual, between what our autonomus 'self/thinking mind' wants, and the automatic reaction that the body has.
The example given in book was a little girl who was so excited to see her Dad come home at the end of the day, but then he would come in and molest her. So her excitement at seeing someone she loved, got very confused with a fear response.
Mine is on a different level but the same idea. Because of the trauma around males, when I feel chemistry with a male, it sends my nervous system into flight or freeze. My heart goes crazy and its not out of nerves. I literally feel unsafe and have to get away. This makes it impossible to enter a situation of dating for instancce, because any make I would like to date is unsafe,
I dont know what to do about it. To get to know soemone enough to tell them what is going on, you have to spend time, but I cant spend time.
I recently met someone, someone kind, there is a mutual attraction, we got on well until I realised it was mutual, and then I balked. He is a kind soul and someone I would like to know better, as a friend or otherwise, but I am stuck.
I think its something I just have to say "1, 2,3" , face the fear and do it anyway; maybe ask him to catch up one evening, or accidentally bump into him after work and see what happens! Otherwise my life is frozen. I have to start moving forward with someone at some point, even if it doesnt go well.
Other Triggers.....Can Body Image be Picked Apart with a Perspective of cPTSD?
Lets start with all the irritations in life that I experience due to these body image thoughts:
- Puts the brakes on (is one of the many brakes on!) approaching a relationship
- Creates an ideal self evaluation that can rarely be attained, and is rarely sustained
- Therefore creates a negative self evaluation, Repetitively. On a daily basis!!
- Gives the mind something to turn on (creates imaginary problems)
- Can change confidence in clothes, and mojo on a daily basis
- More prone to what the experts would call 'disordered eating' or I would call overeating, or eating at odd times
- The negative self evaluation Directly sets off flight response and cannot settle and chill for relaxation or other things that I have planned.
So anyway, lets say that it does not create inner peace or a fulfilling experience.
And then lets consider that there is no direct support. Noone to turn to for another perspectice. I know the thoughts are irrational and a waste of time so have little interest in voicing them. In some ways I have a longing for a nurturing relationship where I know I would feel wanted and desirable and these things dont come up in the same way; but also I dont want to rely on another for self worth or for overcoming my own demons.
And then lets consider that I used to act on the flight by keeping very busy and very disciplined with my way so that the body image I desired was attained and sustained. But I got over that. I didnt realise why I was doing it at the time, but I stopped anyway, as it was not the middle way!
And before the flight (as an indepoendent adult), I used to have freeze (because i was stuck in the home of the abuser). And it was the abuser who used to say those things. "You're fat". And it wasnt just said to me. It was said to my Mother as well. And not just said, It was spat in a conceited, vile, demeaning and worth taking way. You could say he took the piss; A lot. Im not sure what he was using it as leverage for. Whether he just couldnt help being nasty, or used to control her, to weaken her, to pick away at her soft spots.
It did pick away at her (and me), as well as the other stuff that went on.
But back to the challenge here. How can I start to see this deeply embedded lack of value (because of some bloating or flabbiness) for what it is...just a bunch of bull? Is it a bunch of bull? The problem with this one, is that it is backed up in just about every direction you look - society in general. Where else should I/could I put my value?
As a good friend? Intelligent person? Survivor?
But what about this concurrent need to get into the world of dating? That has enough hurdles of its own, cPTSD or not; And dont you have to be attractive to someone to date? And that someone has to be someone you are attracted to.
Not coming up with any answers yet. Apart from. Maybe. That I deserve more. At least - I dont deserve to be mocked, bullied, not by anyone, but especially not by a grown man who is supposed to be the one to show me (as near as possible) unconditional love. I guess I really need to let go of this idea of what a Father should and shouldnt have been. I think that part is easy, actually.
But still, the little girl did not deserve any of that, She was a punching bag for his words, and sometimes his fists. And so was her dear Mum. Her dear loving Mum.
So what does she deserve now? I dont know what anyone 'deserves', but I can tell you what she longs to feel. Safe, loved, held. That's all.
Rough few days.
Probably good to write here while it was happening, but didn't. Didn't do some other self care things either. Never mind.
So what were the triggers this time?
1 tired
2 finally figuring out the crush is not reciprocated
3 friends reneging on arrangements
4 subsequent EF being left alone, feeling alone, projecting into future will always be alone
5 having a big pulsing ready heart, noone to share it with
It manifested as my usual freeze and dissociate eg screens and food, after subtly investigating if the crush crushed me back or was just flirting for fun. It was just for fun. Friends weren't available for verbal soothing so I froze and numbed.
The subsequent self loathing gave a bit of a crap next day, but I pulled through alright. Until I stayed up way past bed waiting for a friend to catch up who decided to reneg and not tell me. So then short of sleep and projecting anger.
The next day tired another friend let's me down.
It's not so much anger at friend. After all life happens. It's more that I do have a dependence on other human beings for connection. And I really want to connect. And I do try to connect! ! And there's disappointment and aloneness and EF and very uncomfortable feelings and wanting to damage my self / my life , by sabotaging myself , when I feel that way.
I feel unworthy. Unwanted. A waster of precious life. A failure. Because I act out when I am tired and having an EF.
Am I stupid to think life would ever give me someone to explore lI've with : to partner with?
Oh well life goes on. Better do more of the things that are good for me. X
Feeling sadness.
It's in the heart, down to the navel. It's an aliveness, but one I don't want to feel.
I have associated these feelings with negative experience.
What if the experience is nowhat neutral and the feelings are just feeling s?
Can I just sit with the feelings?
Can I in fact get to accept them; enjoy them; look forward to being with them?
I expect so.
it's almost like an inner tickling. It's uncomfortable. I want to move away. Most people would want to escape tickling. Most people don't find it fun or giggly. Right now I find it sickening; nauseating for sure.
Some people however , have no reaction to tickling. Either they don't feel it or they don't react. It's a non event to them. There's no fighting with it. No scrambling for safety or ease or preference.
Though I can't explain it properly externally, I'm going to become one of those people. I'm going to sit with the inner tickle. The nausea. The desperate compulsulsion to run away from it. It's in me- I'll be running forever.
From what I understand, if I turn towards it, it will change. Everything changes.
Aside to this. My heart is awfully lonely. It's spent years alone now. I will keep my own flame alive ♥
Well there's a surprise
I didn't take my endocrine meds yesterday (just forgot and you know how the 'right thing' goes out the window when you are EFing).
I was feeling very EF and tightly wound all day (that's not because of missing meds in fact they make me feel a bit wound as a side effect! ). I had a lot of very nasty internal judgments going on about myself as a person, my use of time, my singledom, my aesthetic, my dreams in life. I couldn't get any traction on feeling better.
I has the day off for dental work so after that I just laid on the couch , took no walk or self care, just ate junk and watched crap TV. I didn't take the tabs that usually help me sleep.
At 830pm I lay down and went to sleep. I woke up at 730am this morning . So I slept earlier, slept longer and slept later ; by eating junk, feeling mentally emotional ruined and numbing out and missing all the meds.
*??!!
Perhaps I have had too much endocrine meds lately. After all they are meant to be stimulating. So perhaps I slept better cos I had less of them. Or perhaps my body passed put in order to dedicate all its resources to processing the sugar I drunk! Or maybe it was the local anaesthetic thru put in your gum at dentist that made me unenergised and tired all day.
Who know? I know I am SO GRATEFUL FOR SLEEP! !
And I feel much more relaxed today.
I think I better back off the endocrine meds a bit.
Up the Paddle without a Creek......Letting go of needing a flow
Life is not flowing. Does not seem to be. You know that inescaoable joyous ease, when things just happen? And what can I do to get myself into flow? What have I done to get myself out of flow? Am I creating more unease by encouraging my thinking self to have more thinking self thoughts about cPTSD and the future and fears and disappointments and ugliness and failure and how it is all wrong wrong wrong?
There has been ZERO persons to share with (in real life) and not for my want of trying. I was thwarted to sharing with the SW when her relationship to someone I know was discovered (too vulnerable and exposed as they had access to my records of what I was sharing with her), the bestie who forgot our friend date because she was cleaning, the new friend who forgot to meet me to go for the girls night out because she just forgot me, and the friend who missed our walk date because she got busy. Blame doesnt lie with any of these people. But it was trigger after trigger.
Friday was the big trigger of relational (boy girl flavour) rejection that threw me into some real nasty acting out. Disgusting. The kind of stuff that I hate myself for,
Saturday was the friend who favoured cleaning.
I constantly pick myself back up. Try try try.
Tuesday was the ine who forgot the evening out.
Wednesday was the one who had to out something else first.
And wednesday night was the next acting out. The disgusting self loathe variety that makes me want to shut up shop.
Yes its very hard to feel, so I understand why I distract. But it makes me angry now when its suggested in books and by pros that connection and verbal ventialation are the way forward. FOR F SAKE LIFE! I HAVE TRIED TRIED TRIED, I never stop trying to form and nourish these connections. and all that life appears to show me back is abandon her, abandon her, abandon her. She is not wirthy, she is not important, she is the one you should forget, she is the one that deserves to rot in a corner on her own. I mean, just look at her. Look what she does. She obviously doesnt want any more than this for herself.
I wish I could cry. I used to be able to cry easily. These days I think I will. The wave of it comes! It seems to reach a peack; a crescendo and then foams down inside again. I dont know if it has dissolved and passed, or gone to hide and fester.
The thinking mind has officially given up on connection. Nobody will come through for me. Noone at all. And thats okay. Grown adult here. Me got my back.
I wish there was a pill I could take to feel better. I wish that getting stoned or drunk or anything like that could help , then I would probably do it!!!
I am feeling too asharmed to go out and get the tattoo I want. My arms are not nice, not right.
Hyper critical thinking mind is out.
I had two hopes of recovering enough from physical disabily to get back into work. One was this training I am doing. The sad thing is I have discovered that I am unable to meet the physical demands of a full day at this job, so scrap that. That was an expensive experiement,
The second was a tentative offer elsewhere. And today I found out that has been rejected. So there go my two threads of financial security hope.
So what does life want me to do now?
Life wants me to know what it is to live with a hyper critical thinking mind, with a manifestation of ** (not saying that, too confidential - the acting out), with a body that behaves unexoectedly, without financial security in a material world, without supports and with little trust in supports. ? That is what life wants me to experience?
And what does life want me to do with that? Be non reactive? Cry about it? Become a psychologist? Get a writing degree? Kill lyself (not gonna dont worry)? Just asking you though life....what do you want me do with this?
Oh! Be non reactive! You want me to feel this deep seated pain, this coldness in my heart, the tightness, constriction, this deep existential and material aloneness, and you want me to sit with it and do nothing! Oh!
And you want me to see how my situation now is exactly the same as my childhood.
You are alone. You have ALL the material comforts - bed, warmth, roof (even if its not yours its provided by someone els,e just like in your childhood!), a car provided by your parents cash (just like in your adolescence!) and you are completely alone and depressed about it. Abandoned. Hurting in your heart. Unable to reach out now, as reaching out has earnt mistrust and more and more disdain,
So here you are, in your childhood. As an adult. What needs to change then? What can you do now? Goodness this hurts a lot.
I recommend everyone accesses a psychologist if they are able. Even a session here and there or a few in a row every 6 months. Make sure they know about complex ptsd of course! ! I am moving on. It's not 'fixed' but it won't stop me.
I guess things are getting better. I can go a week or two without disabling EF.
But we are sensitive aren't we ? Because we are hypervigalent we absorb the bad times of others.
Someone really let their stress out on me today. I reached out to several friends in the evening but yet again noone has 5 minutes.
Before I knew it , there was the acting out. I take it to be part of my depraved, greed and unworthy parts.
Might give work a miss tomorrow.
All because someone couldn't keepossibly their * to themselves. I don't mind if people say that they fe5sad or angry or whatever. But to have a go at me for something that never existed just sucks.
This is a challenging journey isn't it ? Life in general with all its ups and downs. And knowing that no matter what support cones fOforforth (therapist, online forums, friends and maybe even someday a supportive partner ) ; All of those are unmistakably transient.
The only one to really have your back; the only one you can really depend on to be your rock and unwavering support ...is....your Self. You.
I'm not being cynical. I'm being realistic.
Good luck