Elpha's new adventure

[Sceal]

I hope that writing about your struggles and fear with this is the first step to fight the big monster of shame. They say the more you talk about the shame the less power shame has over you. I hope it's true.
I too have unhealthy coping mechanisms when the days become too difficult, it's like you say, at some point the meditation or mindfulness doesn't work. But I hope that if we keep it up, it one day will be enough. And the other coping mechanisms becomes weaker and less effective.
I would like to give you a caring hug, if it's alright with you? 

[Elphanigh]

Decimal, thank you so much for that. It was great to wake up to such a kind response 

Sceal, I will certainly accept your hug  It is much appreciated

[sanmagic7]

sweetest el, thank you for sharing.  nothing at all to be ashamed about.  the fact that you could now admit this is, to me, a sign of progress.  you weren't able to before.  what's inspiring is the strength you're showing in admitting something less than perfect about yourself, in spite of your fears of how it might be received or judged.

i agree with d.r., even more of an inspiration to be able to show your truth even if it isn't perfection.  we've all got flaws, we've all got issues we struggle with.  the only way to deal with them is bring them to the light, where we can take a clear look at them.  shame, like fungus, grows in the dark.  bringing up the shame-filled stuff helps us banish it much more easily.

i give you so much credit for speaking of this, sweetie.  we're here to support, not to judge.  all the stuff that's coming up for you recently, all the stress you've been under lately, all the hours, lack of rest and sleep - i can see why you want the quick fix of alcohol right now to de-activate your brain for a bit.  you'll get to a point when that will no longer be necessary, of that i have no doubt.

keep taking care of you as best you can, honey.  and, happy birthday, too.  love and a warm, hopeful, shameless hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

San, dear friend, you offer me such kindness in accepting and not shaming this. I am hopeful I will get to a place alcohol isn't such a temptation, that my mind isn't in such desperate need of quiet and calm. I am working hard at choosing better, but it is a difficult battle some days..

I am glad no one has judged or reacted poorly to this thus far. It is good that i can still be inspiring just by being open. I have found honesty is the only thing that has ever truly helped my healing, only when I am open can I actually heal. So here I am, just trying to be brave and share.

Thank you for the birthday wishes, it has actually shaped up to be a decent day so far  Love and hugs right back.

[Elphanigh]

Therapy today and I feel hopeful afterwards. My therapists reaction was also that of hope and joy, which even furthered my own feelings of it.

I have been doing a mix of emdr and ego state therapy. Last session we started what is called the Flash Method. It is a new spin on the emdr process, essentially working to subconciously affect how the memory is stored in the brain and body. It can bring something from a high ten on the feeling scale to a zero (or close to) in a session. After two weeks away the stuff I workes on last time was still just as low.

The thing with mt Cptsd is that my trauma is so intertwined it is nearly impossoble to stay with just one thing. This method helps that, and my mind only seems to bring up a new things once the other is low enough it feels safe.

We plan to use this to lower everything and then work through in emdr things as a larger whole. This gets my more intense things doen to where I can sit with them and not feel so intensely. For once it feels like there might be a day I don't have to be in therapy and may not even technically fit the cptsd diagnosis to a tee. Realizing that maybe, just maybe, I won't have this debilitating thing for the rest of my life. Like it will always exist but maybe it doesn't have to be like a fight everyday. I have some renewed hope that I didn't realize just how much I needed

[sanmagic7]

sweetie, so very glad your therapy has come up hopeful.

i'm familiar with the 'flash' method and also glad it's helping you.  the complexities of our traumas seem to lend themselves to this method.  emdr was originally utilized with returning vietnam war vets and their ptsd symptoms.  more simplistic.  'flash' seems to be working for all those layers of trauma that crop up even in the midst of working on an issue.

it's wonderful to hear you sounding so hopeful.  i pray that one day, indeed, you will no longer be under the hooves of the c-ptsd beast.  that would be the best.  love and a big hug to you.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you, I feel hopeful that one day I will accomplish that. For now I do feel the exhaustion from such an intense method. It takes a toll but it is worth it.

[Elphanigh]

My heart aches tonight, it did last night too. I got some reprieve of joy this morning before being reminded.. I have had a lot on my plate, and that has come with tons of emotions. However, nothing ever compares to heartache. It is in its own league, or it feels like it right now. There is something about it that just engulfs everything, and makes one weep out of nowhere. I generally have a decent control or at least understanding of my emotions but this one gets me. I don't cry often but two nights in a row I have cried and been angry at myself for feeling this way. Makes quite the cycle of things.

I had been so strong and surprised at how well I have rebuilt this week, until last night that is. My ex has been in town with her now husband. (For anyone that was around in the summer/fall, I wrote about that relationship a ton). Anyways we have been okay as friends at a distance but she was in the city I live this week. Our life was here, and for a while it was a good one together. Seeing her was okay, I felt good knowing that I didn't pine after her and really didn't want her back. She seemed to struggle more and honestly it made me feel good to know I rebuilt well and that some part of her was still regretting her decision. Petty I know, but I am human.

Anyways, I was okay until we went to say goodbye last night. We likely won't see each other for at least two years. Having seen her quite a bit for the last few days I had grown to like having my friend around again. Someone that gets me more than nay human has ever gotten me. I forgot what it felt like to have that. To have someone so knowledgeable about my interests and how my brain functions.. who understands how I do things. I didn't know I missed it so much. I was okay, then saw her kind of tear up and my heart just broke again. It felt like the goodbye we didn't get last time she left the states on good terms.

As a survivor I feel weak for feeling like this. I have so much more important things to be focusing on recovery is way more important than my heart feelings things it already felt months ago. I am stronger than my heartache, or at least I thought I was. It feels dumb to even need to put all of this somewhere. I know feelings are valid but this one doesn't feel like it. This feeling had its time and place, that passed long ago.

[DecimalRocket]

Well, Elpha, I think dealing with your heartache is part of your recovery. It's part of recovery to deal with the unhealthy coping skills our past has given us and apply healthier ones to everyday situations. Part of recovery is learning how to slow down rather than rush things.

I know heartache too. I'm young and I never dated before, mostly because my solitary interests seem too important for that, and second because I don't know how to trust people. So I've had crushes on both men and women. . . most just momentary ones but a few just . . . reached me. My heart felt funny and weird and confusing, and I wanted to rush away from it too.

Anyway, take care. 

[Elphanigh]

Thank you Decimal for reminding me of this. It is a skill to be able to take time and not rush things. You always have great insight. Take care 

[Blueberry]

I know that isn't alcoholic level but I recognize I am using it for the wrong reasons, and certainly too often. I just want my mind to shut up sometimes, and no amount of yoga or meditation (etc.) does quite the same amount as a half bottle of wine or some vodka... this is me admitting it is a problem and promising myself that I will address it in a healthy way with my T.

Dear Elphanigh,
I came onto your thread wanting to reply to this. I read it a couple of days ago and didn't have the strength to reply tho I wanted to. Now I see you're somewhere else, dealing with heartache.  for that. I remember your posts from when you were going through all that first time around. You seem so much, ahem, stronger now. Though I believe you on the heartache, don't worry.

So, if you're in a place where you can read it, my take on your alcohol problem post: Realising you're using it for wrong reasons and too often is a great step forwards! So is being honest, both on here and with your T. I can certainly sympathise with wanting to shut mind up from time to time.

Honestly, I am terrified of posting this a bit.. I have so much shame on this subject and on the food subject.. I constantly get told how strong I am, how far I have come but these coping skills come in and take over sometimes. Some days I choose so well, and others I don't have as much will power.... someday I take the easy route. I am worried that makes me an awful survivor, and even more worried it makes me an awful moderator.... that I am not a good enough role model to be moderating here. Everyone on this forum inspires me to be better, and I worry I don't give that back to anyone.

I don't think this makes you an awful survivor, I think it makes you a normal one! I had been wondering just how you were coping with seemingly non-stop shifts at work, tons of therapy and moving forwards with it and moderating. That is so much on your plate! No wonder you take the easier route sometimes. So do I. I just don't want to feel all the time. I don't want to sit with my feelings. ime in inpatient treatment it's easier to sit with them but that's partly because you're not dealing with all that day-to-day stuff like work and cooking and cleaning and looking after pets.

We mods don't have to be role models here (though I was worried about that when I first started moderating too and posted about it), we don't have to be perfect and thoroughly healed and all of that. We just keep an eye out for Guideline infractions to try and keep everybody safe.

You give tons back here. Being honest to yourself about an unhealthy coping skill and then posting it on here although you feel ashamed and you're frightened of others' reactions shows strength!! That's inspirational! I also think the more people post about their unhealthy coping skills in the way you're doing - being honest, not glorifying, the better. It shows us all how widespread it is with cptsd that despite moving forwards, we're often stabilising ourselves with unhealthy methods. Huge kudos to those who manage without, but I think they're in the minority. There are non-substance addictions too for anybody who thinks they don't have one.

[Elphanigh]

Blueberry, the heartache has mostly passed. I really just needed a day or two of it I guess. I really appreciate you going back to reply to that post. I really fought through the heartache to not drink actually. I was proud of myself for not choosing to numb .

It is good to hear that this makes me a normal survivor tbh. I am not fully sure how I manage to juggle everything. The alcohol helps some, but isn't what I need to be using. My apartment is consistently a messand when I am home I often draw, watch Netflix, read, take baths, and ignore everything else. It is how I manage to work so often, moderate, move forward with recovery, and am playing flute as well. It is a ton to balance. Things like cleaning my apartment, cooking super regularly, and organizing really suffer with this. I don't enjoy it, and it frustrates me to not have everything's cleaner and done... but I am learning to just get through what I can.

I am glad me being good enough isn't in question here, I forget that sometimes.

Being honest and open here about this stuff is healthy, and I am grateful it can be in anyway inspirational to people. I just want to do my best to heal even through everything going on.

[sanmagic7]

you are definitely an inspiration, sweetie. 

one thing that struck me about this good-bye and the heartache that ensued was when you said it was like the good-bye that didn't happen when she left the first time.  i think that said it all - you finally said the good-bye that you needed to say and felt the heartache of possibly the closure that was denied you last time.

and the heartache lasted quite a bit shorter than the first time.  i'm glad you do well with her at a distance, glad you enjoyed your time together, and glad that you felt what you felt - all of it (i do that petty stuff too, from time to time.  no bother).

your schedule, your recovery work, and your music are all so important for you right now.  messy living places can take a back seat for a while.  been there, done that.  we have to prioritize, and something of less importance will always suffer.  i hope you can be happy for the fact that you are doing what's most meaningful in one way or another for you right now. 

i don't think it will always be like this, so you can look at it all as temporary, just something for now but not necessarily forever.   you're doing so great.  love and hugs to you, always.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you dear, I am glad to hear I am an inspiration. It is hard to see myself that way I guess.

That is a good observation with this heartache. When she left the states last time we were together and it was an early morning. I had to run off to work.. we never got a proper hug or even the words goodbye. This time we got both, and no one was mad a ton each other. The breakup over Skype was angry and painful on both of our ends. We have come a long way through messages and things. Seeing her was good, and getting the little bit of leftover emotions out was more necessary than I thought. For me it is a bit of closure, for her I think it opened up some old feelings that I need to ensure to keep boundaries from. She sent me a really sweet song, one that basically said that she doesn't have me but somethings remind her that she needs me.. that isn't fair to my emotions. I will respect hers but I can't let that be something that happens. She has to deal with the choices she made.

The heartache was much shorter, and less consuming I guess. I am getting to be more grateful for feeling all of the feelings, including the petty bits of them. Thank you for reminding me that they are important and for seeing some growth in them.

The messy apartment can only last for a bit longer. I should be moving in about two months, will have a roommate this time so I can live in the city rather than on the outskirts. I am excited, she is one of my best friends from high school and as close as I come to having a platonic partner. We have talked about it depending on where life brings us. Either way, it will be wonderful. So in a month I need to start the process of cleaning up and packing.

All of those things are so important, adding in my art and yoga as well. I think rediscovery these things Is helping me heal, including getting to see my ex. I get next weekend off, two full days out of town. I am going to a friends families house. Her mom has half adopted me, and is going to help me look at my finances. They are a mess and I have a hard time admitting just how bad they are. But she is going to help me make a plan to get on track. I am extremely nervous but grateful. I am also just glad to be able to get out of town and know I will have some time to breathe

I do really hope things aren't like this forever, but I can appreciate the process a bit at least. Some of the biggest accomplishments in college were accompanied by the messiest rooms and such.. so it is good I guess. Anyways, I am trying to remember to be grateful for the journey. I didn't always think I would have one. Now I can't imagine life any other way.

Love you dear. Thank you for being here for me, it is a constant inspiration to me

[Blueberry]

My apartment is consistently a messand when I am home I often draw, watch Netflix, read, take baths, and ignore everything else.

Sounds like self-care! My apartment is consistently a mess too. Obviously we just need time to relax in order to keep going. I read a lot too or play Patience/solitaire but with cards, not on computer. I think the latter is kind of useless but sometimes I seem to process things while playing. So maybe not quite so useless. As san writes, we have to prioritise, something takes back seat.