Elpha's New Pieces

[Elphanigh]

Thank you both! I am truly starting to feel better today. Luckily, I only had two days where I was feeling truly sick. Since then it was a headache, fatigue, and a slight sore throat. Today I am still easily fatigued and have a small headache but feel much better. I tested negative yesterday so as long as I test negative again tomorrow I am in the clear and can go about life again. The trauma triggers are not so strong today so I think tomorrow will feel pretty good. My partner is planning to come down and we will do a little day and a half mini vacation in the city here. It is sad we couldn't go on the trip but I am glad we will still get some time together. Less than 24 hours and I can start to transition back to normal 

[sanmagic7]

so glad it wasn't worse, el.  also glad you get to spend at least a little 'us' time.  love and hugs

[Elphanigh]

Thanks, San  I am lucky ad far as level of sick that I got. Grateful to have e only had mild symptoms and be in the clear tomorrow

[Elphanigh]

I feel like I am updating here a little more often because things are a lot right now. Don't worry, I am managing well and taking care of myself. I think on the outside it probably looks like I am functioning at near my best. I know that isn't super important but for me it is a sign of managing well because I know I am making time for my feelings and healing but am also able to maintain life in the way I want to most of the time. It does take a lot more rest and downtime when I am home to maintain but that's okay for now.

Positive notes first, I guess.  I am covid free (have been for a week or so). I think the brain fog and exhaustion from it has finally past.  My new job is feeling normal and like I am truly part of the team. One of my coworkers even came into my office and sat on my couch just to chat today. I love that bond. When I am gone I am missed, and people come to me for help which feels nice to be trusted and valued. Also, seeing kids is so much fun (not that it isn't also work). The one adult client I do have is so interesting and I am excited to work with them as well.  My partner is loving and caring (we are almost at a year and I am not sure where the time has gone). It is scary sometimes but she is always reassuring and is able to listen to those fears when I need her to, I feel like I do the same for her and I think it makes growing through this with her possible.


Less positive notes, trauma processing is a beast sometimes. I am doing a lot of solid work with my therapist but it can be intense and exhausting. Monday night my therapist put together some pieces that I hadn't yet. I am grateful we have a good enough relationship that she could bluntly tell me what she put together so I could either confirm or adjust it. She hit the nail on the head in a way that both of us felt in our guts. Sort of magical but also painful moment. We have been dealing with the triggers that happened when I got covid. One of my parts took a giant slide back into old beliefs that we have worked through before. Generally the ones that tell me I am not deserving of the good things I have, that being hurt is inevitable, even so far as to the beliefs that I was put on this earth just to be hurt, serve others, and protect others. All things that I logically really know are not true. We have also been working on this internal pressure I seem to have about meeting physical intimacy expectations. It has been almost a year and my partner and I have very little physical intimacy because I haven't been able to do taht with the triggers, surgery, knew trauma information etc...

Either way, my therapist becuase she knows me so well was able to see the connection between those two pieces. So much of my identity when I was young involved giving sexual intimacy to other people (being used), serving them, and being a shield for those I could protect. My therapist looked at me and said basically that I am not giving my partner sex and I am not caretaking her in my old ways so I don't know why she keeps me around.  It was like being handed this giant lightbulb moment by her. I am also so used to being something that people just show off because I can make them look good (was a lot of what was done by people in my life because I was the smart kid, the kid who was good at almost everything she tried, the straight a's, music soloist, sports talent, etc....). I am also not that anymore. Like I am not making my partner look good or anyone else for that matter... so like what use am I? It feels foriegn sometimes for people to just care for me because I am a person and not for what I can do for them. I at one point told my therapist that it was like I was created to be my own trap... that my identity when I was younger was my own sort of prison.... and that I was my own punishment in some ways... Mainly we were working with an 8 year old part who truly had just taken all of that as her identity. Who is so scared that it will inevitably come back... believes the old things we were told about never truly amounting to anymore than that identity.

I can't really begin to describe the hit to the system that all is. Like looking at the core of my identity as a person and trying to continue to reshape it (again). There are so many feelings and complicated pieces at play in that.

[sanmagic7]

my dear el, that is quite a bit to unpack.  it makes sense to me, tho, that if you're not 'being' for another, why would they want you around?  those beliefs stand hard and don't go down w/o a fight.  i'm so very glad your T has helped you with this part of your portrait.  glad to hear that you're continuing to take care of you, giving yourself the downtime you need, etc., but also that you're enjoying the kids you work w/ so much.  what a gift! 

as far as what's super important, to my mind it all is.  that you're managing well and doing what's needed to maintain that level is a big deal in my eyes.  you have worked so hard over the years to get to this point, please, never belittle such an accomplishment.  so very proud of and happy for you.  much love and a hug filled w/ 'simply being you is always good enough'

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for reflecting that all back, San.  These beliefs definitely are stubborn and this new layer is a big one. I am glad I can work with my T to help me through them. I am so glad I am still able to give the downtime I need to be able to function through all of this. I appreciate you validating the importance of me managing and maintaining the level that I am accustom to. It has been years of work and I don't want to lose that.

Sending lots of hugs back  Always so grateful to hear from you and be reminded just being me is enough

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I also want to send you a hug    You're processing a lot, and you mentioned complicated pieces within a particular layer.  I very much hope that you find some ease as you negotiate your way through that. 

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

Hi Hope, Thank you for the hug 


I came here to write that I am doing better this week. I feel like I had some time to process and work through some of the difficult feelings and beliefs. It was super heavy to be given so much information, to be still adjusting to a new job and apartment, while also getting covid etc. I feel like it was sort of the perfect storm for some opening back up of old beliefs and triggers that had not been touched in a while. It feels like there is more space for exploration about why that happened as things have calmed down internally. I know tomorrow's therapy session will likely be pretty intense but I think it will be okay.

[Armee]

 

[Elphanigh]

So most of the time I am okay, others I do get this wave of just grief.

***TW mentions of SA***



Like I have known for less than a month that my D sexually abused me starting at around 3 years old... maybe earlier.. I have known for about 8 weeks that he was violent and raped me at gunpoint when I was 8.. I mean I pulled it on him first and in all likelihood, it wasn't loaded but still. Both of those facts could have sent me completely spiralling and made me non-functional. That reaction would still be valid, honestly.

I am, however, not spiralling and am still functioning at my full time job and some. I can barely talk to my family, although that has improved a little over the last month. I refuse to talk to or acknowledge my D. I am not sure if I ever will. At some point, I will probably need to in order to keep the family members I want in my life around but for now, I don't. For now, I change my Christmas plans because I don't want to be in the same room as him (or my uncle for that matter). I don't get to see my grandparents for another year in a row because I can't bear the idea of facing my dad and being civil right now. I am too bound to blow the entire thing up.


**End TW (for now)**

I get so mad and just want to blow all the masks off of people, show all the family secrets at once and be done. None of them deserve my silence.. Then I think of my niece.. She deserves my silence so does my sister. Honestly, so do I right now. If I want to share and to expose allt he secrets and my life experience it should be on my terms and not because I am just angry and hurt by them right now.

I just get so upset recognizing I was never the monster... all of my abusers were. So many of those adults were monsters or stood by and allowed the monsters to exist. Yet parts of me are still able to get triggered into feeling like it was me. I get so sad sometimes because I tried to be good, kind, caring, etc.. but I was made to feel like there was something always wrong with me that I was just born with something bad in me that I was somehow the monster that caused all of the hurt... When in reality that is on them. I was just a little girl who wanted to be good enough to not hurt anymore so I believed what they told me. I could have never deserved how I was treated. Yet there are still young parts of me that question whether or not I deserve love who want to hold onto some of the hurt because it continues the cycle of self punishment that part of me believes we deserve.




Hoenstly had to stop writing at that point for a while so I have no idea where my train of thought was. Waves of grief are just super difficult and I know it will be okay at some point. I think his betrayal hurts more than the others though. Everyone else abusing me was one thing.. but my D is a whole other for some reason. Between him and my uncle they created so much of the foundation for the next 10 ish years of abuse and my still deep need to be healing from it.

[Armee]

It was never you who was bad. They are monsters. Of course of course what your D did hurt the most. It's the worst betrayal possible. You get to confront or not confront however and whenever you want. It doesn't need to be right or perfect ot well-behaved or considerate of anyone who abused you or abetted in your abuse. Others who were victims....that'll be trickier to navigate. Im sorry there are collateral losses like Christmas on top of it all.

Just do the best you can with the grief. It's gonna be there and it's gonna be strong. It deserves to be because what happened is grievous.

I'm sorry that happened to you. You weren't bad and you didn't deserve it. As you said, no child does. He deserves to be behind bars, not you.

[Elphanigh]

I appreciate all of those words and reassurance of what most of me knows to be true, Armee. You are exactly right, I  was never the monster. They were monsters fo rmaking me believe I was. I have been sa'd so many times by a lot of people. Frankly what my D did was low on the scale of severity but emotionally it does take a much larger toll right now. It is a worse betrayal because Ds are support to protect their daughters, not hurt them. I know he knew about my other abuse and didn't do anything.. At two points in my life I told him and got ignored or hurt worse. I didn't understand why until realizing he was an abuse too.. because I had dissociated these away for most of my life to be able to live and function as a kid. It makes it all make more sense but feels like it tears apart a big chunk of how I viewed my childhood.

As far as other victims, I am not sure if my sister ever was and I know (to the best of my ability) that my niece isn't. If I thought for a half second my niece had been hurt I wouldn't hesitate to blow it all up and make a large mess of my family. For now, because she is safe, I do not need to do that. I can take the time I need to navigate what I need in the situation. Certainly one part of me wants to blow it all up and be done being the family's biggest secret. Other parts of me know I would fall apart in the aftermath. I couldn't handle it at this time and that is okay for now.

Grief is hard but does deserve to be there. I just have to navigate it on top of navigating the rest of life. That is the unfortunate thing about grief is the rest of the world doesn't stop with it. 

I am grateful I see my therapist tonight. It should be a helpful session to work through the wave of grief I got. I think my littles did really well to hold it for me until last night when it was just too strong.

[Armee]

Standing here with you, and totally getting  it and agreeing, that the betrayal is worse than the other assaults that were "worse."

It's not the same of course, at all, but when I realized I had been set up by the grandfather of the kids I was namnying for an assault by others... that felt so much worse than the assault itself. And that wasn't even a family member or someone who was supposed to love me. But it is about 100x more upsetting than the other stuff. And it's just a sliver of a fraction of what happened to you.

He did set you up for what happened by others too in the future. He taught you that this is what happens and probably that you have no control. It's the worst betrayal.

I'm glad there are not other victims that you are aware of with your sis and cousin. That is one less thing to consider. You have every right to blow it all up when the time is right for you, if ever. That's totally 100% your call if/when/how.

For now focusing on getting through life and keeping it together is your priority and a good one to have.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you for sitting with me, Armee 

I totally get that the betrayal was worse than the assault. I am sorry that happened to you, Armee.

Yes, it did teach me that it is what happens. There was a normalcy to it in my life and one I don't think I understood until I got to be much older. SA was a normal fact of my daily life before I was old enough to even know what that meant. It was unfair and explains so much of the rest of my abuse history. It is a painful new fact but certainly gives a more complete picture to my life.

I am grateful there aren't other victims as well. I know if there was any current risk I would care more about making them safe than what I needed so I am glad I can take the space to deal with myself. That is selfish reasoning but is part of the equation in my brain.

[Blueberry]

Elpha, I'm sitting with you. That gun you pointed at your D, that was a very loud NO which he ignored. I can't get over him pointing it at you to destroy your NO. 

I'm really sorry how many terrible things were done to you. They were monsters who did it to you.

May I be proud of you for how you are coping?

If it's not too much at the wrong time, then gentle, supportive