Elpha's New Pieces

[sanmagic7]

hey, el,

all the work you've done over the years, job juggling w/ school, new career, moving more than once and working on your traumas at the same time - it has always boggled my mind how you've managed to keep moving forward.  yet, you do, and you do it with grace and dignity.  congrats on your new job and your plans for play therapy - sounds exciting!    and, wow!  some major realizations to work thru.  i hope you can take some time for you in the midst of the flurry.  so good to hear from you, as always.  sending love and a hug filled w/ every good thing you need to keep moving forward.   

[woodsgnome]

Always so good to hear from you, Elph.

I'm glad you've moved into the new place and intrigued by your intent to incorporate play therapy in your 'portfolio' of approaches. As a matter of fact, your mention of it 'triggered' me, but hold on -- triggered me in a good way. Long story, but as a troubled child I ended up for a while in the care of a child psychologist, and have fond memories of his playful nature, and how he seemed to grasp the good it might do for me, having come from a home and school environment filled with doom/gloom scenarios. My only regret was that my time with him was shortened. In a sense, that was a boomerang trauma, but even so his great caring and the fun times probably saved me in many ways I could never thank him enough for.

Sorry to hear about the trauma memories that have rekindled for you. It's one of the hazards very hard to accept, but I'm always reminded of Pete Walker's statement in his book, about recovery being a lifelong pursuit. May you find the grace, and grit, to stay the course, up and down, in an out.

[Armee]

E it feels really unfair that with so much trauma already that you should have more yet to remember, especially such disturbing ones. I hope you have the space to grieve those memories. I'm always really impressed by how well you seem to be able to contain these memories and keep them a bit separate and to continue to function. Your new job sounds massively difficult emotionally but also massively important and rewarding. I trust that you have got this and can do it safely for yourself.

[Elphanigh]

Thank you all for your kind and caring words 

Blueberry,  I am not always sure how I keep going and functioning despite everything. It is a lot to have lived through and tough to remember. I think I just have amazing support. Things have definitely not been pretty the last few months but I'm making it.

San, thank you as always for encouraging my journey. My new job is heavy but I am loving it so far. I spent a lot of time in grad school doing play therapy and have missed it immensely. As far as moving forward, I thunk some central part of me is just drawn to always moving forward no matter what. A piece that let me survive still helps now. Sometimes it feels impossible.

Woodsgnome,  I have loved play therapy since I was in school. It has surprised me but I am drawn to working with young kids and helping them closer to their traumas rather than adults years after. It feels more true to my heart for this work. I am glad it brought up good memories despite not having enough time with that person.

Armee, I am truly hoping I am towards the end of remembering things. Eventually I will have all there is to remember and I can handle what is there. I am glad to be able to heal them but sometimes I would prefer not to know. Also, yes, my new job feels truly rewarding but is very draining. I have a good therapist and partner to help with it. Also just a lot of practice and self care.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
It's so great that you're enjoying your new job.  I feel sure you'll be really good at it, and make some real differences to people's lives. 

Good to hear from you, and know how you're doing.   

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

This update will take a couple turns but we will start with the more positive life updates.

My new job is great, I love getting to work more with children and teens. It really is where I feel my best as a therapist. I am adjusting to working at a CAC, because I hear a lot about child abuse every day and meet a lot of kids who have been through terrible things. However, it is such a wonderful thing to be a part of a team that truly does care and value helping every person that walks through our door. I am grateful to be part of a team that I can tell cares and isn't just there out of obligation etc. We had a couple tough cases this week but we work together and also are able to process and joke together when we need to. I have a round 3/4 of a full case load so I am getting to my normal routine but still slowly adding on a bit.

New apartment is still underway. I just have not fully unpacked because transitioning to a new job is a lot in itself. I do like it though and it feels like my space.

I get to go on a mini vacation to a friends wedding out of state next weekend and my partner is coming with me. It will be our first trip together right after our 10 month anniversary which is super cool. It is amazing how ten months flies. For the most part, I am confident in that relationship. She and I can communicate in a way I have never been able to and I feel truly valued. I think occasionally I get nervous my trauma stuff will get in the way but she is always there to reaffirm and reassure any thing I need in a way that isn't co=dependent etc.



Less fun updates:

I am continuing to get more of my repressed memories back. My therapist and I have done our best to help slow that process down and to keep it from shutting me down in my day to day life. It is still exhausting regardless. I have done more trauma work in the last year than I have probably done in any other time. I have always worked hard on recovery but I think all of this has been so much of the core work on my traumas. I have actually addressed and am continuing to address the early sexual trauma that I was not able to face for a long time. It is exhausting work but also probably exactly where I am meant to be in my journey. Part of me thinks it may be because I decided to jump into be a therapist so I am opening more up than I would because I am exposed to potential triggers like 40 ish hours a week. I have occasionally wondered if I started that career too fast or if I should have waited 5 years.. but I know I was in a better more stable trauma place before school and that no matter when I started this career it was bound to bring up a lot. So I am glad to be where I am and will continue that direction.

So new memories.. continuing to get memories of my  D being abusive to me. Most recently realizing how sexually abusive he was and violent at times from as long as I can remember (so before 3 years old). I knew that of my uncle already (although, that was only like 6 ish months ago that I remembered that). It is tougher to accept and work on my D trauma though. I have so many positive memories of him that I know are still true but it is such a grieving process to go through, and I go through it every time I get new information. However, I cant just ask my system to give me all the information so I only have to grieve once. It doesn't work that way, unfortunately. I think I am heart broken, angry, disappointed, betrayed, and honestly just devastated. I prefer the version of my dad who was just bitter and mainly emotionally unavailable. I know repressed memories aren't fake but sometimes I wish they were. I have half thought about writing a letter here to him but I can't yet get the words to flow. I know they are there but it may be a little while. I have called him many names and probably will continue to. Hoenstly, I stopped talking to him about two months ago when I started remembering and the more I remember the more I think about never communicating with him again. He has not one reached out to me in this time so it would be relatively easy. I just have family text threads muted and communicate only with threads he isn't in (even that is sparingly at the moment).

A young part of me, would love to just tell all the secrets and watch the world burn. The world being my family. I am the family secret holder and also the biggest family secret. That young part of me is so fed up of holding secrets to protect everyone else and would get so much satisfaction out of watching it all blow up because they deserve to get some sort of consequences for being the crappy adults they were/are. I won't do that out of anger or a need for revenge but it is tempting every now and then. I also know that right now I could not healthily handle the backlash that would occur.

Anyways, my hand is sore so I am going to leave it here. (my hands get sore when my trauma is activated because somatic stuff...)

[sanmagic7]

so much you're going thru, remembering, processing, el.  EMS is with you to help hold you together.

it is truly heartening to hear about your career, how you've found your niche w/ kids and adol. and that you've got a great team to work with.  i know those kids will all be better off for having worked w/ you.  i do believe you went into this work at just the right time for you.

so, so happy about your relationship.  it's wonderful you've found someone on your level who values you.  much love and a hug filled w/ future happiness.

[Armee]

They do deserve to have their world rocked, that's for sure and you deserve to enjoy the mental imagination of seeing that happen even if for many reasons it isn't something you'll do in real life. I wish you many moments of peace in between the painful work of uncovering what happened, what your Dad did to you, and how to absorb the knowledge and navigate your family.

Your relationship sounds amazing. A solid partner can absorb the trauma and hold us up long term. I have that and can attest that some people do exist who have that ability.  I'm so happy you have your partner there to support you.

[Hope67]

Hi Elpha,
I relate to many things you're writing about, and I wanted to send you a supportive hug, if that's ok 

I also wanted to wish you the best for your weekend of celebrating, it sounds fun and I hope you have a wonderful time with your partner.

Hope 

[Elphanigh]

San, it is always so good to har from you  I appreciate the reminder of EMS, I do sometimes forget that presence. It means a lot you hear you believe I went into this field when I was meant to. I have questioned it many times but always kind of landed on the same thing. It is good to have that reassurance. I do truly try to make a difference for those kids, even if it is to just be positive connection and someone that believes them. I am grateful for my relationship and hopeful that it will continue for a long time. It is so different from any I have had previously.


Armee, thank you  I do find that I have moments of peace in the middle of all of this. It is satisfying to imagine watching it burn even if  I won't in real life. It helps to visualize it and do things like write letters I will never send. Those motions go a long way.  I am glad to hear you have a similar partner in ability to help support and value you. It is an amazing thing and one I am hopeful will last a long time.

Hope, sending hugs right back  It is a lot to feel so I am glad to not be alone.  Thanks for the well wishes! I am excited for next weekend to get away and celebrate. I think it is much needed right now. Looking forward to time away from my job and honestly from real life a bit.

[Elphanigh]

Unfortunately, I had a positive covid test yesterday (I have had two rapid tests show positive but a negative PCR which is odd). Either way, I have mild symptoms of illness so I no longer get to travel or work. My isolation will end on Monday but until then I am keeping busy at home. I was super looking forward to a trip and visiting somewhere new.  It is disappointing to not go. I have never tested covid positive so this is a crappy time to start. I  am a little overly tired, have a constant headache, and mildly sore throat. It isn't too bad and I am hopeful it stays that way.

I had a huge trauma trigger from all of it yesterday but I think it will be okay now. I worked through it best that I could and will continue to just be gentle with myself through it.

[paul72]

hope you feel better Elphanigh

[Elphanigh]

Thanks phil, I am sure I will start to feel better. Honestly, I have been lucky so far with not feeling super ill.


I am dealing with trauma triggers from covid though. Oddly enough, not at all medical related. It is hard to manage the trapped and alone feelings that it causes. I spent a childhood trapped and alone in  a lot of ways which is just really challenged by the current day quarantine situation. Worse than that though is the feelings of being dangerous or bad... I know those are super young beliefs that are getting stirred up. I believed very young that being close to me was dangerous for other people because I was somehow bad and dangerous as a person. The people around me threatened and did hurt people I cared about. Normally blaming it on me when they did get hurt. So I spent my life protecting people by staying away at least a little. I had a lot of friends growing up but avoided having them close to my home and when they were it was exhausting to protect them with what power I thought I had. So the feelings of being dangerous to be around because I am covid positive is so tough. This is the first time I have tested covid positive which is hard. It would be hard without the trauma triggers.... and just the disappointment of not taking a trip and seeing my friend's wedding.

I am managing the feelings, although last night I didn't. I also know I am actively avoiding and distracting from them a lot because I have to. If I think or feel too much they can get overwhelming. I am trying to avoid that. However, I know avoidance is not always healthy or helpful. So while sick I am trying to find that balance.

[Armee]

Different underlying reasons but I very much relate to your feelings of being dangerous. A superpower to somehow hurt people. When all you actually did was protect protect protect everyone. But I had those same old feelings stirred up by covid, too. You're following guidance and people who may be around you will be informed to make their decisions too. Hugs to that super little part who feels this way. 

I hope you feel better soon, physically and emotionally.

[Blueberry]

I hope you feel better soon too Elpha