Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[Blueberry]

There's another battle, but not external. The other battle is making usable space for me inside my apartment.

I noticed that this space battle is not in the least related to the other space one. So it doesn't help me to drop the space-in-house battle to have energy for space-in-apartment battle. Doesn't work that way. I'm still dropping the space-in-house battle but doesn't mean I get any further with space-in-apartment battle. I really really need to though since I'll be moving my office space back into apartment. I need to make room for office and I'll need to do quite a bit of re-arranging. I have till July to do it. But some stuff - the earlier I do it, the better. Like taking stuff I no longer need to charity shops. Part of me wants to do a clear out: just get rid of stuff!! And part of me doesn't. So I suppose it might help to work with the reluctant part, see what's behind it.

[Blueberry]

The next beneficial and constructive thing would be to finally write an email to a friend explaining why I haven't been contacting her recently, or maybe not so much explaining as saying: we ahve to talk, but via email. I have a lot of trouble standing up for myself, especially in conversations.

That's no huge surprise. FOO most usually shouted me down or told me how stupid I was or that they couldn't talk sensibly with me since I was crying whenever I tried to broach any difficult subject about their or B1's treatment of me, but they would sometimes hear me if I wrote them a letter. That was when we lived in the same house. I was a teenager.

[Blueberry]

Writing on here that I'm about to go and do this or that is quite a good tool! Because I actually go and do it! I've finally written an email to the friend I mentioned. I haven't sent it yet because waiting a day is often good I think, just in case I decide to soften or re-word something. But I've set it in motion!

[DecimalRocket]

 

[Blueberry]

Thanks DR!
________________________

I sent the email and wrote about that over in a Friends thread.

Further beneficial and constructive activity today: I wrote down what all I could be doing instead of eating or going back to bed, as has been my habit the past few days. I have a whole page full on a piece of paper that is bigger than A4 size tho I'm not sure what size exactly. A large proportion of it has to do with clearing stuff out. It's easier for me if I break that down into little bits. So I did. Bits of xy to one particular charity, something else to someone else. Once I get going clearing stuff out, I think I will be able to let go of more and more. It's good for me to write these things down. I hadn't realised how much clearing out I'm actually prepared to do. The sooner I start with that the better.

Further beneficial activity: weeding and particularly sowing various flower seeds in garden. It's beneficial because going outside and working with my hands does me good. Helping things grow, seeing what's blooming already, watching bumble bees and birds flying around and looking for sustenance all does me good. Even deciding that I can cut back some flowering plants, which are spreading too much and crowding others out. I used not to be able to do that for an emotional reason I can't quite verbalise rn. But I notice it's a step forward. Some blockage is de-blocked for now.

It would be beneficial if I turn off PC now and go and move to music a bit. That helps me ground myself, bring myself back from half-numbness. Then I can come back on here for a bit. I suppose it's beneficial to notice how deep this "I'm not allowed to defend myself, other peoples' needs are more important than my own" sits.

[Hope67]

Once I get going clearing stuff out, I think I will be able to let go of more and more. It's good for me to write these things down. I hadn't realised how much clearing out I'm actually prepared to do. The sooner I start with that the better.

Hi Blueberry,
Just wanted to say that I think it's great that you've achieved so many things today, and in particular coping with the process of clearing stuff out - I really need to take a leaf out of your book, as I keep procrastinating so much regarding this - and I hope to do better this week, going forward.

I hope that you've already turned off your pc, and that you're enjoying dancing to music, as per your plan - and well done for defending yourself with your E-mail that you sent to your friend.    I hope that's not in anyway triggering to you for me to wish you that, as I know there are some words that you said trigger you - and I'm not sure if I remember what they were, but I did want to say well done, as I admire the fact you did that.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks, Hope. I haven't actually really started with the clear-out, unless you count sowing seeds. Maybe we'll both manage to get on with it this coming week?

I also noted that there's part of me that wants to do a clear-out and part not. I was thinking of doing some Screen Processing or maybe allowing that part do say 'why not'. Except I keep thinking of M so I don't think I should allow that part to speak. Screen Processing could be good though to try and get the influence from M out of my emotions on this point.

I'm writing here then getting up to move to music. seems to work better than just moving with pc off. Maybe I need to feel support from forum?

Don't worry, no words you are using are triggering me. I'd like to say don't worry about that when you post. I think I'm generally getting less triggered on here by odd words, or if I do get triggered I'm better at sorting the situation out.

[Hope67]

I also noted that there's part of me that wants to do a clear-out and part not. I was thinking of doing some Screen Processing or maybe allowing that part do say 'why not'. Except I keep thinking of M so I don't think I should allow that part to speak. Screen Processing could be good though to try and get the influence from M out of my emotions on this point.

Hi again Blueberry, I think this is really interesting what you wrote here - and I think it could be key to knowing why 'we' (a person/people) might procrastinate or not manage to actually do/complete a task etc.  Maybe it is about the intention, or motivation, or what it means to different parts of a person, and whether there's internal conflict between parts - which means it can hamper the progress with any one thing or things.

When you mention the Screen processing - I realise that I have meant to look up how you do that, as I think it sounds like a very valuable process - and yet some part of me ends up making me 'forget' to do that, or even where you've put that information, and that is interesting too.

Sorry - don't mean to hijack your journal here, but I am very interested in your process there. I hope we both get to accomplish anything/whatever we hope to accomplish this week.

Hope 

[Blueberry]

Hope, I see your post here as a comment and what it made you think of rather than a hijack. No worries. I sometimes comment on your threads too including your Journal.

i've started doing my clear-out. Started making different piles.

[Blueberry]

What's the beneficial and constructive thing I could do for me atm? 


OK now that I got that out of my system. No actually just thinking of it 15 minutes or so ago helped. So I finally stopped playing Patience, which had got me as far as asking myself what's up and then what could be a beneficial and constructive thing to do, more b. and c. than playing Patience. 

One interpretation of this: allow self to play Patience! It's a form of sorting on table which seems to help sorting in head and feelings, even if I need to play 4 or 5 rounds. I have nice packs too - one with a different N. Am. tree on each card and one with a different N. Am. animal. Sometimes feel more like animals, sometimes more like plants. One thing I remember last time I was in inpatient T, the therapists were always going on about not judging self. That probably means shutting ICr. up, not allowing ICr. to mumble on about 'wasting time' and 'should be in garden, it's nice weather'. Once I allowed myself to picture the blowup smiley, I stopped playing and took care of my seedlings on window ledge and went down into garden to water some of my seeds there. All b. and c.

[DecimalRocket]

That's a pretty constructive thing to do, Blueberry. Sometimes the tasks we choose aren't what makes us the happiest then when we need to relax. Sometimes something like drawing logos or trying to hack a site (that the owner of the site had permission to allow, of course.  Hackers = all bad = stereotype.) tends to fulfill my need for my need for confidence that I can learn something new much more than . . . say Netflix. Other times I want something less challenging to fully relax, and maybe something like music, meditation or *, even Netflix is a good idea.

We know our needs best, and it's a wonderful thing to be aware of them. 

[Blueberry]

Thanks DR, you're right! Some times I just need something really laid back, easy.

Today I'm a bit sickly with coming cold symptoms. Lovely weather too, sunny and warm. Go figure. It's often a sign that everything is too much so I cancelled more or less everything and am spending a bit of time resting and sleeping.

I feel like an imposter though. 

[Blueberry]

I wrote over on the Employment section about starting a little job as an employee this week, only I didn't. I got sick instead which is my way of telling myself something is too much. Now I feel as if there is all sorts of repercussions, mostly in me as opposed to coming from anyone else.

The major drawback is getting there: 15 km each way through hilly terrain by bike. I was only going to do it for a couple of months, and once a week but probably even that is too much. I bike to the farm too but it's not quite as far, I know the route well (which makes a difference somehow) and it's not as hilly. Also I know the people at the farm. At this new little job, everything and everybody would have been new. I still feel I should have tried it, I should have stuck it out. Oops there's that "should" again.

It's really nice weather, really warm and sunny. I did a little gardening and a little grazing of weeds while I was about it. I also picked a bunch of edibles for Little Furry Creatures. Which is slightly nonsensical because now I need to find some Little Furries who could do with these. Quite frankly, the go-back-to-bed impulse is pretty strong. Picking for Little Furries was working against that. I kept going for years for my Little Furries so that's not really so surprising. The local Little Furry Animal Shelter would be very pleased but they're quite a long bike ride the other direction, though not as hilly.

I also allowed myself to just sit in the garden and do a crossword. I then tried to write my paper journal but I blocked, brain-block, couldn't write.

I'm also meant to be finishing my latest spot of contract work, at least to the stage where a freelance colleague can takeover for me

[sanmagic7]

blueberry, even with the spits and spurts of this and that, these past several days sound incredibly productive to me.  i'm so very glad it's helped you to write everything down, sit and think, utilize patience and crossword puzzles as a means to give your brain a rest - all of it.  very impressive.

if you're getting sick, maybe going to bed is a good idea.  a little rest after all that brain drain. 

such forward movement - it's easily noticed by me.  i give you so much credit.  well done, sweetie.  love and hugs.

[Blueberry]

  today. Tho I feel it's my own fault. I could be doing things to help myself. Oh, I recognise "own fault" as a FOO-ism and not particularly helpful.