Blueberry's healing: what's beneficial and constructive for me

[sanmagic7]

it will come in its time, space, and place.  i know you recognize where that's coming from.  still, it sucks to hear it in your head, feel it in your body.  sending love and hugs, sweetie. 

[Blueberry]

such forward movement - it's easily noticed by me.  i give you so much credit.  well done, sweetie.  love and hugs.

Thanks so much for this san as well as your post from today. Other people, at least on here, tend to see forward movement when I don't.

I'm seesawing between playing Patience and coming on here and thinking in between i ought to be getting on wiht something useful.

You're right san too - it will come in its tme, space and place. My journey has showed me that again and again. Even steps that seem to be the correct way forward because they lead to other forward steps, healthy impulses, realisations etc are not always the correct steps rn. They may have to wait a while. I may need to re-think and re-feel. 

[Blueberry]

Reading and answering other peoples' posts seems helpful atm, so I'm allowing it instead of telling myself I "should" be doing this and that. Not that "should" or "ought to" is very helpful for me ever.

In 2 weeks I'll be at one of those therapy retreats I sometimes go on. Just a couple of weeks ago I was wondering why I was going, now it's pretty obvious I could do with one, so good timing! I registered a couple of months ago since they tend to be booked up fast.

I really think I've been expecting too much of myself recently. Putting the cart before the horse kind of thing. It seemed a good idea to move my business back into my apartment but I think now maybe I should keep that in mind and keep working on steps that will help with that e.g. clearing out and more particularly allowing myself to try getting a very P/T employed job while keeping my freelance business space and see how that works out. So as not to pull out the rug from under my own feet? Something I'm pretty practised at.

When I try to do too many things at once, I tend to destabilise and give everything up. Good to accept this too as part of CPTSD in my case. I'm moving forwards in all sorts of small ways in multiple aspects of life instead of managing huge steps in one area. Maybe have to accept that that is just the way I heal and move forwards?

Long ago I expressed the opinion that I'd be healed pretty much once I was back in the normal workforce, or back earning enough to live off. I mean, back working would be a sign of healing. I'd really like to be there, but again possibly I'm just expecting too much from myself atm. Because some Ts and docs used to say: it's time you got back to work, then you can work on all those other problems. But actually they doN't say that any more. I've found better help since then.

[Blueberry]

I get it. I'm in the Depressive phase of Grief. Grieving various FOO things again. well, a new round of grieving.

I've been re-reading old emails on everyting from Little Furries to stuff from old therapists, with helpful reminders.

[Sceal]

I hope the retreat will help you with your depressive phase, and that it will give you room to grieve and give you more clarity for how to best move forward for YOU.

I can relate to "should" and "ought to" being the oposite of helpful, it underlines guilt and shame. Though I find it difficult to avoid them, or change the narrative of the sentence.

a gentle  , if it's okay?

[Blueberry]

Tahnks Sceal! Hugs are great. Yes, guilt and shame, not so useful.

I'm doing better today. Allowed myself to do whatever I wanted to, avoiding 'should' etc. Spent most of day in garden, though also spent a little time with baby from next door. I find most babies work as little anti-depressants. When there are difficulties, you give them back to their parents, cuz that's where they want to go anyway when hungry, tired etc.

[Shankara]

Blueberry, glad you feel better!
Know those Days full of grief. I feel that it leaks unfiltered and thats tough to deal with.

[Blueberry]

Thx Shankara! Actually I was so stuck in depression I didn't feel the grief. Just reading about the different phases of grieving over on OOTF reminded me of what was going on.
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Deep breaths to calm down a bit. Got an email a few minutes ago and the content makes me boiling mad. Good to address it, yes, but in a somewhat calmer state. It's a business thing, not FOO-related or anything. Just coming onto OOTS helped me calm down instantly. 

[Blueberry]

Writing in here is beneficial, even if the content isn't. I'm all kind of jittery. My evening client cancelled at short notice which is OK in his case. But still I feel that today wasn't very successful work-wise, just when I'd decided to give it a bit more of a try.  Just feel like using that emoticon tho I think that the occasion shouldn't warrant it.  there's that "should" again.

[Blueberry]

I wrote over on the Employment section about starting a little job as an employee this week, only I didn't. I got sick instead which is my way of telling myself something is too much.

When I phoned them to cancel, they asked which day I could come this week instead. I didn't have my agenda to hand but offerred Mon. but they couldn't because they're not open Mondays, and so they asked about Tues. I agreed and saw just after that, Noooo, I can't actually. Normally I would be able to Tues. morning but this week, no.

Then I felt really bad about not phoning to tell them that. They're relying on me to come tomorrow and I won't be. It's actually a particular cleaning job that they haven't done for weeks and weeks themselves (one of them has burn-out, the other no time), so it's not as if their business day is going to fall apart without me.

Today I realised that I didn't phone back immediately because I felt too awful psychologically-speaking. Not phoning back was health-related, I really couldn't face it. I might have managed an email, but they don't have an email address. Today I would have managed to phone but they're not open today. At times like this I realise that there's a real reason for my disability status. A lot of work  is very difficult for me on the normal job market as are different aspects of holding down a job or even starting one. Or I could possibly have pushed myself to do it, then collapsed totally. Been there, done that. So not doing so is actually healthy, a step forwards. But pretty incomprehensible for normal working people on the normal job market.

[DecimalRocket]

Oh Berry, I understand what you mean by people not being understanding on the exhaustion lots of us have over our issues, and I give you a lot of credit for taking it easy on yourself. You can't do everything on your own, and that's okay. It takes a lot of trust to believe in our own selves after what many of us went through, so what else can I say? That's awesome.

[Blueberry]

Thanks DR 

[Hope67]

  to you, Blueberry.
Hope 

[Blueberry]

Thanks Hope 

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Today though really tired I decided to go to choir practice. Although I basically mouthed along rather than singing, I still felt some of the voice effects on my body especially breathing / torso. That was good. And I also whisper-sang the words to myself and listened to the tunes, all beneficial.

On the way home I thought I have piles of stuff, well, piling up and i'm just putting it off. But then I remembered and also read in here comments from others saying there's probably a reason for that. A self-protective mechanism. I feel as if I'm procrastinating rather than getting on, but also remember recently assuring somebody else on here that these are mechanisms we often learnt early in FOO and although it's good to learn new ways, we don't always manage. So NTS: this applies to Young Blueberries too!

On the way to choir practice at least felt what I want in a particular situation, so NTS it can be good to go outside into fresh air and move body a bit (walk, ride bike) in order to answer own question! I actually know this but I sometimes forget.

[Sceal]

I am glad to hear that you managed to take care of your health before a work-relation! It's so hard to prioritize ourselves sometimes!