Wow did this podcast sum up some of the things I have been going over lately. I identified with her story of bringing something up that was very wrong in the family and then having it be shut down because they couldn't deal with it. It was helpful to see, even as a teenager, that she did the same thing, which was bury it and fall into line. Then, even as she was continually "doing the work," going to therapy etc, the trauma remained untouched and lived on in her until she began to open up and feel the feelings.
I'd also never heard the phrase The Untouchable Mother, and it's so apt. My mother truly was untouchable as I would call her, trying to get through and ask about something for example, and would always get voicemail. She never, or rarely, picked up to talk to me.
Other things I found that stood out were:
- "As kids we had to hold onto the desk and be like where are we?" and that lying about the reality of what was happening was more damaging than seeing your mother passed out for example. In your body you knew it wasn't safe, but everyone was telling you that it was fine.
- Seeing the parent be one way with you, but then hear they said something else, which was negative, to another person/family member (because they couldn't address the reality of what was happening.
- Weren't entitled to a process because they needed it more. That we were the more healthy ones and we were supposed to help them.
- Feeling like it's unsafe to be held because we were the ones who had to be there for everyone else. So, not being able to process those feelings that are there.
- When she describes that "she's going to be me at any cost" and the feeling was that she was going to alienate everyone and just be horrible, but she was actually recognized for herself, and seen for who she was in a way that her family couldn't.
The Untouchable Mother - Believing Me, Healing From Narcissistic Abuse with @IngridClaytonPhD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzzUrAdMkJk
as a ps or afterthought, there's also a part of me that doesn't excuse their behaviour, but also can't help wondering about the effects and who bears that of being a woman in society. Are these the places where that larger systemic abuse shows up? I remember my gm telling me that she cried when I was a girl. Maybe this is a way of thinking that lives on generationally in my family.
I'd also never heard the phrase The Untouchable Mother, and it's so apt. My mother truly was untouchable as I would call her, trying to get through and ask about something for example, and would always get voicemail. She never, or rarely, picked up to talk to me.
Other things I found that stood out were:
- "As kids we had to hold onto the desk and be like where are we?" and that lying about the reality of what was happening was more damaging than seeing your mother passed out for example. In your body you knew it wasn't safe, but everyone was telling you that it was fine.
- Seeing the parent be one way with you, but then hear they said something else, which was negative, to another person/family member (because they couldn't address the reality of what was happening.
- Weren't entitled to a process because they needed it more. That we were the more healthy ones and we were supposed to help them.
- Feeling like it's unsafe to be held because we were the ones who had to be there for everyone else. So, not being able to process those feelings that are there.
- When she describes that "she's going to be me at any cost" and the feeling was that she was going to alienate everyone and just be horrible, but she was actually recognized for herself, and seen for who she was in a way that her family couldn't.
The Untouchable Mother - Believing Me, Healing From Narcissistic Abuse with @IngridClaytonPhD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzzUrAdMkJk
as a ps or afterthought, there's also a part of me that doesn't excuse their behaviour, but also can't help wondering about the effects and who bears that of being a woman in society. Are these the places where that larger systemic abuse shows up? I remember my gm telling me that she cried when I was a girl. Maybe this is a way of thinking that lives on generationally in my family.