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Did a search on the forum for inflammation and realized I've brought it up quite a few times, but may have not linked evidence to inflammation and emotional regulation. Peripheral inflammation is important because it can lead to the activating the central nervous system ie the amygdala, which is responsible for our fight/flight reactions.

The following paper looks at inflammation and the effect on emotional regulation (specifically, ADHD, BPD, etc). There's quite a few things that can fall under peripheral inflammation, including gut dysbiosis, but it also focuses on early life stress as a precursor for peripheral inflammation. IMO while early life stress may have set the initial conditions for peripheral inflammation, it doesn't mean that dysregulated systems in the body can completely be offset with stress reduction. I also think that the terms they are using are clinical (ie BD, BPD, and ADHD) and there is no clinical diagnosis of cptsd. Therefore, to me, the symptoms falling under these clinical diagnosis would/may also be applicable to cptsd. The GI tract is also linked to the vagus nerve, or the centre for fight/flight.

Inflammation and emotion regulation: a narrative review of evidence and mechanisms in emotion dysregulation disorders
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10653990/

The paper states:
"There is also mounting evidence to suggest that dysregulated or imbalanced gut microbiota can increase inflammation in the body and the brain and affect various mental illnesses, including BD [130,139,239]. One of the putative mechanisms connecting the gut, inflammation, and the brain is that gut dysbiosis induces alterations in GI permeability, allowing bacteria and proinflammatory products of their metabolism into the blood. Their presence could trigger or enhance peripheral inflammation, potentially weaken the BBB, and affect brain circuits directly through translocation or indirectly through inflammation, exacerbating a vicious cycle of heightened inflammation and consequent structural and functional damage"

And addressing the connection to BD (bipolar disorder) and IBS:
"Findings favouring an association between inflammation and GI disturbances in BD come from a previous umbrella review, which revealed that irritable bowel syndrome (IBS), which is frequently associated with heightened peripheral inflammation [244], was identified as a potential risk factor for the disorder, meeting class I criteria [193]. This association seems generalizable to mood disorders, as also observed in patients with MDD [245]. Nevertheless, there is preliminary evidence indicating higher IBS rates in BD patients with history of severe ELS, while in patients with MDD the IBS prevalence remains the same regardless of ELS history or severity."

As well:
"Moreover, in one recent work on a cohort of 1072 adult BD patients, the same authors built a data-driven 'allostatic load index' including biomarkers of inflammation (CRP and albumin), cardiovascular risk (diastolic and systolic blood pressure), metabolism of lipids (triglycerides), and metabolism of glucose (fasting glucose), which could predict with 81.1% accuracy if the patients presented non-elevated or elevated emotional reactivity [103]. Notably, the subjects with predicted emotional hyper-reactivity were also the ones with poorer cognitive functioning and overall functioning, independent of other confounding covariates. These promising results suggest that the index was able to capture clinically relevant aspects of the disorder, further emphasizing the link between altered emotional reactivity (which is a starting point for altered ER processes) and integrative measures of body dysfunction, including inflammation."

With regards to ADHD:
"The frequent co-occurrence of ADHD and autoimmune and inflammatory comorbidities, including eczema [323], atopic dermatitis [324], allergic rhinitis, asthma [324], and psoriasis [325] (see also [323] for a meta-analysis) has raised the possibility of a neuropathological role of the immune system and inflammation in ADHD [61,79], as in other EDD."

This article is regarding long Covid, but there are many different latent viral infections that can exist in the body (ie EBV, herpes simplex 1&2, coxsackie etc). Latent viral infections trigger chronic inflammation in the body, which can then lead to CNS activation. Latent viral infections can also be a trigger to autoimmune conditions, which create further inflammation in the body.

The Long COVID Puzzle: Autoimmunity, Inflammation, and Other Possible Causes
https://www.yalemedicine.org/news/the-long-covid-puzzle-autoimmunity-inflammation-and-other-possible-causes

https://febs.onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1111/febs.15871
Mechanisms of viral persistence in the brain and therapeutic approaches

"Although many viral infections of the CNS are believed to be cleared rapidly and efficiently by the immune system, some viruses become chronic infections and undergo restricted viral replication. During this phase, the immune response is much more tempered; however, it can still cause ongoing brain damage and dysfunction. Some viruses may establish a true latency in the brain. During this phase, no viral progeny is formed and no immune response is generated. It is unclear if there is any persistent brain injury or dysfunction from the latent virus but if the virus reactivates, it may result in manifestations of acute or chronic infections. In addition to the pathologies listed above, neurodegenerative diseases, including dementia, HIV-associated neurocognitive disorder (HAND) [[8]], Alzheimer's disease [[9]], amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) [[10-12]], and some forms of Parkinson's disease [[13]], are suspected to be associated with chronic viral infections. Unfortunately, viral infections can be difficult to detect in the CNS, thereby making associations with pathologies challenging"

"However, ongoing viral activity in the absence of sterilizing immunity triggers chronic inflammation in the CNS that also contributes to pathology."

Kizzie asked me to write about my journey with physical symptoms and trauma a few years ago and I politely declined. I have a feeling like a lot would like to take the physical symptoms and point it back to what happened and say, trauma. I am sick because I lived through x,y,z and IF that hadn't happened, here's the life I would be living, which is great, but hopeful of a reality that I'm not currently dealing with. I think my experiences have been different, and at times, the trauma and physical symptoms overlap ie anxiety, depression/lethargy etc. There are explanations about how one's mood can impact how one is feeling, this is all true and the point that I am actually trying to make: that the body and the brain can be connected. Dysfunction in the body can also affect how one is feeling, and impact your mood as well. So, why do we have such a hard time focusing on separating physical symptoms from trauma, and approaching them as something treatable instead of just a symptom to trauma IMO? Is it just an extension of the magical thinking we had to employ to survive as children? And maybe the reason that trauma can be so hard to move on from is because some of the underlying emotional symptoms indicative of trauma (anxiety/depression etc) aren't always a direct result of trauma, but an underlying physical condition, and that also doesn't mean that they don't co-exist with trauma.

Perhaps I'm lucky because I have a very specific time and memory of when my body "broke." I had lived my whole life with trauma, yet there was always an energy, something upbeat inside that affected my physical vitality for lack of a better phrase. It was like a desire to overcome, the energy of finding a way out. One day, or probably over a period of several weeks, I began to realize that as much as I wanted to internally, I could not summon that vitality back. It was like there was a disconnect from my mental intentions from what my body could actually do. Emotionally, it was a difficult time. I had just left a prestigious graduate program that wasn't working out how I expected. I needed to make a decision about what I was going to do with my life that included moving to a new country to start work in a competitive field where I didn't know anyone and had no professional contacts. I was starting from zero and all I had in my head was my family's voice (and my experiences of them) about what I was going to do with my life and how was I going to survive? But I made the decision to do it, and I did it.

When I moved, I noticed my physical symptoms getting worse. I had constant lethargy, I had weight gain, I had brain fog etc despite the only thing really changing was the move. I still ate the same, made sure to exercise a lot etc. I thought, maybe this is depression, this broken feeling, and tried out anti-depressants that didn't do much. So, I discontinued them. I moved a couple of times over the next couple of years, and there were some subtle shifts in both my physical and mental symptoms until I moved into an apartment with an ensuite where I became really sick. All of a sudden, I could barely read a page without falling asleep, my moods and anxiety were all over the place, the weight was going weird again and I felt tired ALL the time. This was also coupled with really bad night sweats, and I was no longer able to exercise without feeling completely exhausted and breaking down. Something that had never happened before.

I went to the doctor again because this time I could see that this wasn't depression, this was a very quick change in my physical symptoms. There was a nice doctor that listened that there must be something wrong because I was adamant about my symptoms, but there wasn't anything that they could actually test for. They had done all the tests and they all came back "normal." So, I started researching symptoms and came across thyroid disorders and Hashimotos's Thyroiditis. Ok, the symptoms lined up and I even managed to convince my (unNPD) grandmother to get tested because it sounded a lot like what was going on with her. She did get the test and it was positive. I thought ok, this is an autoimmune condition that is hereditary, so there's more of a chance that I do have it. However, and it wasn't until about three years later that I did get the full antibodies panel and the results came back negative, that I realized it wasn't the "root cause."

What did help me during this time is that I followed the gluten free protocol for Hashimoto's because I could see a marked difference in how I felt, reacted to situations etc, when I did eat it and when I didn't. It didn't make sense that I had these reactions to gluten when I didn't have Hashimoto's or celiac, and I made sure that they did the genetic testing to find out whether or not I had it. I followed a trial and error method where I could see that there was a notable difference in my mental, emotional, and physical functioning when I was "glutened" (and I became able to trace these changes back to something that I ate at the time), and when I "ate clean." So, I kept a gluten free diet, which I still follow, and I think it has been responsible for eliminating a lot of inflammation. Later on I learned that genetics play a big role in how inflammation can show up in the body. For example, if TNF-alpha and IL-6 SNPs have mutations in them, inflammation can show up in the body as depression and/or anxiety. Both of which I have as well as some markers for MCAS and celiac, but not all.

So, I continued to be gluten free and it had a big impact on how reactive, or emotional I became about situations that triggered me because yes, trauma is/was still a factor. However, I didn't have a root cause, or reason why I couldn't suddenly eat gluten and why I might be gaining weight despite my diet and exercise regime. I had been tested for diabetes/insulin resistance (all good), thyroid (anitbodies negative for Hashimoto's). I did have a saliva cortisol test which showed low DHEA, but my overall (GP) hormone panel was fine.

At the time I was talking with a collegue who had debilitating stiffness in her hands and who thought she was at the point of having to quit because she wasn't able to function. I told her about the Autoimmune Paleo Diet and trying a 30 day elimination diet to see if she found any difference once she eliminated gluten etc and surprisingly, she did. A lot of her symptoms went away, but she still had certain issues and began working with a functional medicine practitioner whom she recommended to me (it is a whole other story about finding someone I trusted to work with after what felt like being led down so many dead ends by naturopaths who seemed like they were just looking for money, and the only testing seemed very "out there" biofeedback testing, or something to that effect).

So, I began working with this woman who recommended a full thyroid panel including antibodies (negative), a hormone panel (all good), and then suggested a gut panel. I guess because of my trust issues with practitioners (well, let's say trauma and dealing with ideas around agency/power), it took me a while to follow up on the gut panel. I had also moved after our initial appointment and was following a strict diet and exercise regime where I was finally (!) able to see some results. So, I began to doubt and think, was it all in my head after all? I hadn't been tracking calories and lifting weights when I previously had weight issues, so maybe it was me? Trauma thinking! It seemed like again this woman didn't have answers, or wanted me to spend unnecessary money on these things (more FOO ideas), but then I moved and started to become sick again. Well, the only sickness I noticed was that I couldn't lose weight. Looking back, I think I was so used to overlooking a lot of the cognitive symptoms that were there (apathy, executive dysfunction) because "that's probably trauma." At this time, I was also told that these symptoms are trauma, or perhaps they're stress etc.

However, I had just done this a year and a half before! I was following the same exercise routine, I was eating the same foods and now I was gaining weight. Something wasn't right, so I went back to the FMP and she did a gut analysis (some reg flags), a SIBO test (positive, and where I did my own test for hydrogen sulfide while waiting for her results and found out how "toxic" I was, which also made some other symptoms around alcohol make sense), and suggested that my root cause could be mold/CIRS. I didn't believe her. It sounded crazy that mold could cause me to gain weight until eight months later, I went into the room that I never used (funny that as I think my body just knew) and saw the black mold had gotten worse. I didn't even remember at the time that I had already sent a text message to the landlord letting him know that there was a little bit of black mold there and that he should do something about it because it was difficult to get rid of it.

So, here I was having someone tell me a, let's say plausible (my scope for plausible is a bit wider than most I think as I had been dealing with these issues for eight years by this time), reason for why I was sick and a source for all my symptoms, and I refused to believe her for eight months. It wasn't until I had someone on a methylation forum (I was deep into methylation as a source for what was going on and it definitely plays a role in how one's body detoxes mycotoxins) say that mold was the driver behind his CFS that I stopped and finally took on board what she said. To me, that is the trauma symptom/response and I still need to unpack that one. So, I tested for mycotoxins in the body and the results came back very high. This is a condition (root cause) that leads to hormonal imbalances (ie cortisol/sleep issues), gut issues (food sensitivities ie gluten/sulphites), cognitive/neurological issues (ie lethargy/depression/executive dysfunction), immunological issues and weight gain etc etc. It is also a hereditary/genetic condition that can have more profound emotional/psychological effects. For example, I learned that suicide ideation can be a symptom, and this is not just a one-off that a couple people have had. It is a SYMPTOM present in a significant number of people. This psychological/emotional overlap is why I think it is fundamental that all symptoms are not just considered trauma.

When I was 14 my father committed suicide. At the time, it didn't make sense to me. I guess one could say that these things never do. Of course, that's one way to look at it. When I started to learn about CIRS and the symptoms of mycotoxins, I thought about when I might have been first exposed and I remembered a dry cellar in the basement that always smelled musty, and that smell is a sign that mold is present. I remembered a lot of my dad's symptoms – migraines, weight gain, OCD, rage, and of course suicide ideation. I also remembered that my father renovated our entire basement at a time when no one knew about mold, or would have taken any breathing precautions when dealing with it. My father also came from a dysfunctional family with an alcoholic mother. People could say that it was trauma. However, I don't think that's the sole reason for what happened and believe that his physical health was also a factor. If he would have cleared the mycotoxins present, or if we would have moved, would he still be alive? I don't know, but at least talking about it might help someone take notice of their environment and the symptoms that are coming up for them when they are in it.

As for me, that break down just before I moved? What I had forgotten until very recently was that I had suffered a massive spider bite on my leg around that time. Or a very large bump that resulted in bruising etc. Recluse spider bites are known to trigger CIRS reactions though recluse spiders are not native to where I was. Perhaps another spider venom can also trigger that reaction, but I need more evidence of this and am going to ask at my next FMP appointment. I also can track the years of feeling better, and then feeling worse to moving between different apartments with varying degrees of mold.

Growing up under constant stress does make one more susceptible to epigenetic changes that occur. I also had to be very sensitive to my environment as an infant because I had unsafe, or unpredictable caregivers (as did my father). Now I have a condition where I am highly sensitive to the environment around me and its toxins. I was an infant that wasn't allowed to have boundaries, and now I am highly sensitive to invasive toxins. So, in a symbolic sense, I am living out my trauma physically. However, these symptoms are also the result of very physical genetic (and/or epigenetic changes) that are preconditions.

I can help manage some symptoms by lowering my stress ie I have some CONTROL, and this I think is the issue for trauma suriviors IMO because it gives us, or me, the illusion that I am responsible for altering the bad things just like I had to believe that it was my fault for what happened to me growing up with FOO; if I would have listened to my fmp right away maybe it would've felt like I didn't have control over my environment because I didn't understand what she was saying and then I wouldn't be "safe", but it doesn't change the fact that I am susceptible to environmental toxins, or that it will ever go away. As an adult, yes I can do things to help myself get better, but I can't deny that those conditions exist, or are simply a result of trauma, or that the emotional and physical aren't connected. For me, it wasn't all in my head and only addressing the emotional side doesn't, and didn't, address the physical side because I was in therapy almost the whole time this was going on with a good therapist.

What I think makes these circumstances more complicated is that there isn't a lot of support from traditional medical communities, and/or research etc. What research there is tends to be very new and seems quite "out there." I am not suggesting to drink bleach etc, or apple cider vinegar will change your stomach pH and solve all your problems, but there can be testing that is more structured and extensive than traditional medical testing, which might be more indicative of what is going on physically, and give some answers that traditional medicine cannot. So, I'm sharing all this because it was clear to me that there was something physical going on. Even though I was told it was all in my head, there was enough evidence at the time to show that it wasn't, and that making certain changes (ie cutting out gluten) did have an emotional/physical effect. It just took me 10 years to stick to that and understand why.

Now, given everything, and this is the anecdotal part, I would say that my startle response is vastly reduced. My  anger and road rage as well, though of course, these issues still exist and some are, at their core, trauma based. I would say however, that the body intensity when I do experience them has lessened, as has my reactivity to certain things. I noticed a big cognitive shift when I moved out of the moldy flat and just wanted to start doing things again – cooking, cleaning etc. Is it "healed" no, and again, there is a trauma component to these things I think, but it's not the whole story. I also had a worsening of physical symptoms at the time of moving out and had new/old symptoms appear, so it's not always a straight line. MCAS and some of the symptoms from MCAS are another emotional/body connection, which I think can be overlooked as trauma (ie difficulty thinking clearly, memory problems, anxiety, irritability, depression, exercise intolerance). The other very tricky thing is that, for me, they're not always present, but come in flare-ups when I'm probably dealing with higher than "normal" inflammation. To me, this is a case of you're perhaps susceptible, but no "diseased" enough to be conventionally treatable, so it must be emotional, which isn't necessarily true. I think it is more about a journey and taking different things on board as you go through it because I think that's all I really can do. Unfortunately, I think it's the trauma and how I deal with it that shows whether or not I'm willing to explore that. To me, that's the trauma talking.

Came across someone mentioning pregnenalone helping to treat depression. Did a quick search, and lo and behold, it's actually being tested, or found to be helpful in those suffering from PTSD.

I'm wondering if anyone has tried it? My understanding is that it can sort of go either way and the downside being that your body may convert it to cortisol (and not inhibit cortisol production), causing more anxiety. Messing with hormones can be tricky, but maybe also perhaps helpful.

Lot of info from google, but here's a jumping off point:

The role of neurosteroids in post-traumatic stress disorder and alcohol use disorder: A review of 10 years of clinical literature and treatment implications
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0091302223000675

edit: I have a bottle of pregnenalone cream that I bought years ago when I was "experimenting" with health issues and never tried it. I've tried it the past three days and after application there's a sense of calm relief. I don't know how long it lasts (as I put it on before bed), but there was something tangible there.

In a session with my t a few weeks ago, I felt like I was supposed to be "positive" in an exercise she was having me do, and unbeknowst to me, parts weren't on board. I felt like it was such a thing to have to be a certain way (bee positive!) all the time, that I didn't really realize when I didn't want to do something. For me, I was told not to be angry. The message was not to be difficult, not to feel these things that might be difficult for other people to handle. So, I suppressed them, and I think as a result, came to believe that I was the problem, and that feeling these things was/is the problem.

On another level, it's not like these things are really conscious ie I don't know that I don't want to feel something, or do something. I think, like with t's exercise, that I try to go along with it, thinking that I must do it, and that other people "know better" than me. So, when t asked me to feel into the space and to see if I could hold onto a "good" feeling, it felt like another instance of denying the things I wasn't supposed to feel, and therefore denying "me" again. However, it wasn't like it just popped up and said, I don't want to do this.

So, I feel like this article is a good summary of dealing with those things and a reminder that we don't have to be "perfect," and feeling difficult emotions are a part of life, even if we don't realize that's what we're doing.

Untangling Emotions: Toxic Positivity, Self-Care, & Shame
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2024/03/04/untangling-emotions-toxic-positivity-self-care-shame/

[Weren't entitled to a process because they needed it more. That we were the more healthy ones and we were supposed to help them.]

Wow did this podcast sum up some of the things I have been going over lately. I identified with her story of bringing something up that was very wrong in the family and then having it be shut down because they couldn't deal with it. It was helpful to see, even as a teenager, that she did the same thing, which was bury it and fall into line. Then, even as she was continually "doing the work," going to therapy etc, the trauma remained untouched and lived on in her until she began to open up and feel the feelings.

I'd also never heard the phrase The Untouchable Mother, and it's so apt. My mother truly was untouchable as I would call her, trying to get through and ask about something for example, and would always get voicemail. She never, or rarely, picked up to talk to me.

Other things I found that stood out were:

- "As kids we had to hold onto the desk and be like where are we?" and that lying about the reality of what was happening was more damaging than seeing your mother passed out for example. In your body you knew it wasn't safe, but everyone was telling you that it was fine.

- Seeing the parent be one way with you, but then hear they said something else, which was negative, to another person/family member (because they couldn't address the reality of what was happening.

- Weren't entitled to a process because they needed it more. That we were the more healthy ones and we were supposed to help them.

- Feeling like it's unsafe to be held because we were the ones who had to be there for everyone else. So, not being able to process those feelings that are there.

- When she describes that "she's going to be me at any cost" and the feeling was that she was going to alienate  everyone and just be horrible, but she was actually recognized for herself, and seen for who she was in a way that her family couldn't.

The Untouchable Mother - Believing Me, Healing From Narcissistic Abuse with @IngridClaytonPhD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzzUrAdMkJk

as a ps or afterthought, there's also a part of me that doesn't excuse their behaviour, but also can't help wondering about the effects and who bears that of being a woman in society. Are these the places where that larger systemic abuse shows up? I remember my gm telling me that she cried when I was a girl. Maybe this is a way of thinking that lives on generationally in my family.

I'm not sure if this should be here or in advocacy, but I came across this interview from a (local?) TV station in the early 80s. This was about the time I was taken to her clinic to be evaluated for CSA.

I was reading some of my gm's psychological reports to my t recently and she mentioned that the psychologist's response was interesting, and that there was no mention of plan or action to be taken regarding the CSA, just the actions of my gm. I said yes, but this was the 80s and she said maybe the 80s in Canada, which is not a great statement to me. I'm posting this because I think it's important to remember, for our own experiences, that this stuff wasn't talked about 40 years ago when it was likely happening to some of us on here. She even mentions her own experiences 20 years prior (to 1984 when the interview was given), and says that at that time incest "didn't exist." When she went to the police about her father, they asked her why she was trying to get him in trouble. Not only that, but her family reacted as if it was her that was the issue.

I think the statistics she mentions are also striking regarding the inception of the sexual abuse victims clinic where, before it's founding and community work, there was one CSA conviction (or brought to court), and after there were 74 cases that were brought to court/convicted. So, it's not like this stuff didn't exist, it was just hidden in the community and the weight of that born by the victims themselves.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qJbVyebG5jw&t=1501s

I came across this article today that made me reflect on the microdosing I have been undertaking for about a year now.

I sort of feel like there has been an impasse with microdosing lately. I don't feel the "click on" as I had in the past. This could be that I'm developing a tolerance even though following a 4 on/3 off protocol. However, I also think there is dissociation surfacing that I hadn't considered before. This article makes me wonder if the psychedelics are bringing up avenues that I've long closed down in regards to social learning, hence the dissociative like feelings. Tbf I think there is probably a bit of both going on. So, what if the dissociative feeling is  me relearning how to inhabit my body and interact with people from a different state of mind than I experienced as a child?

I'm not an expert, just sharing some thoughts about the journey/what is going on. Overall, I think my experience with microdosing has been quite positive.

Psychedelics Unlock Learning Windows in the Brain
https://neurosciencenews.com/psychedelics-social-learning-23466/

An interesting article about psychedelics and dissociation and why psychedelics don't appear to work for some. However, there could be underlying dissociation present.

https://www.psychedelicsomatic.org/post/why-mdma-psychedelic-therapy-may-not-work-for-you

https://www.psychedelicsomatic.org/post/psilocybin-mushroom-therapy-part-2

"The other possibility is that dissociation doesn't present itself because most people who have traumatic events residing in dissociation also have many other more surface events that are appropriately available to be worked. Events that were not so overwhelming that they generate an opioid response but instead these events were milder and thus create  disturbing anxiety and fear responses that your system is allowing you to see and feel. Your MDMA and psychedelic sessions will be very effective at clearing out these more available-to-consciousness surface experiences. Your PTSD scores will go down, you'll feel a lot better for some significant period of months or years. However, the work and unfortunately the  symptoms are typically not done yet. You might be better off for the short term but the material that was hanging out in dissociation will begin to bubble to the surface because there is room for it, or rather, there is a trust for it to emerge and not destroy you."

I was thinking about the connection between narcissism and social media and Dr. Ramani has started breaking it down:

TIPS FOR protecting yourself from narcissists on social media
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m7l-IOSqfQ

How social media has shifted the scope of narcissism.

I think Dr. Ramani's videos are a gift that keeps on giving. Benign narcissists fall on the milder side of the NPD spectrum, and are people who instead of being cruel and exploitative are shallow, superficial, inconvenient, and unsupportive. She places them on the less antagonistic side of the spectrum.

BENIGN Narcissists: Everything you need to know
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mgmfGRXi2E8

I've known a lot of people/friends like this and always thought it was me, that I was being too sensitive, or "attached." I'm thinking back to when I was 11 or 12 and excited to take this girl camping with my family. She came out to all the other friends after the trip and said I was boring. She was the cool, popular girl that already had a boyfriend etc. I feel like because I was already going through the narc routine, this helped set the bar for me on what to expect from people. Looking back now, I wonder if there was something else going on and I was too hard on myself for not being "fun" and thinking there was something wrong with me.

I had another friend who would also ditch her friends for a guy. The final straw came when she started making out with a guy in a bar that I had been talking to. I confronted her about it and she told me that she was just going through a very selfish period in her life. It sat badly with me for a long time, like was I being too ridiculous fro saying something. I got validation when her best friend told me that she did something equally bad to her and that they no longer talk, but I did need that confirmation.

I do feel I can also, or have also put a lot on friendships, but also that wanting supportive friendships is not such a wild idea. That perhaps because of my upbringing, I've been just accepting certain behaviours without thinking that perhaps it is also a kind of narcissism, one that I am used to.

I've been listening to a few of Dr. Ramani's youtube videos and this one was, wow!! for me. I thought she did a very good job of breaking down different types of parental narcissism. I think it's very often difficult to see how something is "covert" or "overt." I tried for a long time, with lots of back and forth, to see how my gm or m fitted in, and it raised doubts if they were a narcissist etc. I see now that my gf was a self-righteous narcissist and the description fits him to a tee, even down to being miserly and overly cautious with money. My m is probably an opportunistic narc though also with traits of grandiose, my sf a malignant narc, and my gm a covert/victim narc. Maybe I get a prize for one of each hahaha (besides a lifetime of trauma and a robbed childhood of course).

I think it's a lot more validating for my experience to know that no matter if I was gaslit, this was a thing.

The 5 types of narcissistic parents
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UU7U7srYz6U

I've been dealing with health issues for about 10 years now (SIBO, weight gain, fatigue, brain fog, anxiety) and just happened to nail it down with the help of my functional medicine practitioner. What stands out to me is that it can mimic a lot of emotional stuff people with CPTSD go through, and can be hard to tease apart what is coming from trauma and what is from mycotoxins, mold (or lyme as the case may be).

Looking back I can see now that when I moved into the temporary accommodation where I lived at the time, and where I started getting fatigue and weight gain, there was mold. There wasn't a massive amount either, just a little on the ceiling. I never had the experience of living in a place with mold before (that I remembered at the time) but I knew it wasn't good for you. I moved out a few months after into somewhere without mold and felt better until I moved into another apartment that had an ensuite where I became really sick. However, I didn't see any mold but now wonder if there was an issue behind the tile/shower in the bathroom. This continued until I moved again where I started to get a little better but knew something was wrong. The doctors did all sorts of tests (thyroid, diabetes etc) and told me that they couldn't see anything wrong, it was basically all in my head. They did find that I had h pylori and I knew that I reacted very badly to gluten. I moved two times more and started to focus more on training and watching calories in a healthy way (1800-1900 per day w/ training 4x week). I started to lose weight and as long as I hit my calories, and I went down 6kgs in about 6 weeks. What also happened is that I became extremely sick one night at a work drinks after having a glass and a half of wine. I was so drunk that I blacked out but was still functioning. The medic had to step in and say that no, I was not drinking irresponsibly, my body just gets toxic very fast. 

During covid I moved again into a new place (that had no apparent signs of mold). I wanted to get back in shape after not really being in the gym for a year and started on the same diet and exercise program, but lost no weight. I thought this was related to covid and perhaps it had damaged my gut bacteria. To me, I could lose weight before covid, but not after. My functional medicine practitioner suggested that mold might be the underlying cause of my SIBO and I thought she was crazy. But I started to read more and realize that made sense as I had also moved during covid. There is a room in this apartment that has some water damage but I didn't really use it and didn't understand how it could be an issue. I even "forgot" (mycotoxins affect memory) that I had taken a photo of a little bit of mold forming and sent it to my landlord last October. I had a urinalysis this May which showed high levels of Ochratoxin A and Mycophenolic Acid, which are both present in water damaged buildings. I've since got an ERMI test on the apartment, after the roof has been fixed, and there are still very high levels of a number of molds, including stachyborys also known as toxic black mold. ERMI was 6.5 and 2 or lower is recommended).

Mold toxicity is very diverse and presents in people in very different ways. While I've been living in this flat I only really saw weight gain/inability to lose weight. Looking back, I think I also noticed more apathy, and a kind of mental dullness. I've also had anxiety and fatigue in the past, but I stopped eating gluten around 10 years ago and I think it helped a lot with inflammation. So, when I am exposed to mycotoxins, I think it helps that I'm not as inflamed and get less anxious as the mycotoxins produce inflammatory cytokines which cross the blood brain barrier.

This is a very long explanation but I thought it might be helpful to see how difficult it was to pinpoint this stuff. I can look back now and see that it probably goes back even further and that it was present in other members of my family. My father committed suicide and I know he also renovated our basement, which I'm sure had mold. Suicide ideation is another symptom of mold toxicity along with weight gain, migraines, OCD, and depression - all of which he had. I'm not saying there weren't other factors, but there is a lot of research on the neuropsychiatric effects of mold toxicity. I know for a lot of my life, I looked at the the cause of my feelings and reactions as emotional. Now I can see that there was also something else there. I don't think trauma wasn't/isn't a factor, but I think mold/mycotoxins exacerbated a lot of those feelings and states, and made it more difficult to heal. There's a couple other posts here on OOTS that deal with mold toxicity, and I think it's interesting that others have a similar experience where they find it difficult to pinpoint what is CPTSD and what is mold. It's a shame that they aren't posting anymore as I would be interested in hearing how they have progressed.

Mycotoxins also stay in your system until you take binders to get them out. That means that the poison circulated through your bile, accumulating and filtering through your liver until you begin to detox, which is itself a long process. It makes sense to me now that my body got toxic very fast after drinking, where the doctor I saw after told me that, I must be allergic to wine now. You can be out of a moldy environment but still have mycotoxins in your body, contributing to your health.

I've started to feel a little better I think and slowly am starting to lose weight (not in an overly vain sense - it's just the thing I could see that was "wrong" and seemed off). I wanted to put this here because I don't think a lot of people are aware of the effects of mold on your body. It can cause respiratory problems, but it also can be much more widespread. For example, it can go into your nervous system and turn it on, go into your dopaminergic system (which affects our responses to fear), and mimic neurological effects like MS as well as things like anxiety and depression. The research has been out for quite a while and it blows my mind that more is not done to enforce proper air quality in homes and workplaces. It's also estimated that 25% of the population have this genetic predisposition, which is incredibly large and likely affects a number of us.

Some info:

Household Mold Linked To Depression
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/08/070829162815.htm

When Your Brain is Stuck in Fight or Flight Mode
https://drruscio.com/brain-stuck-in-fight-or-flight-mode/

Effects of Mycotoxins on Neuropsychiatric Symptoms and Immune Processes
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0149291818302297

Mycotoxins & the Brain
https://ndnr.com/neurology/mycotoxins-the-brain/

Mechanisms of Mycotoxin-Induced Neurotoxicity through Oxidative Stress-Associated Pathways
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3179161/

Mold inhalation causes innate immune activation, neural, cognitive and emotional dysfunction
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0889159119303010

Symptoms of Mold Exposure
https://www.survivingmold.com/resources-for-patients/mold-symptoms

Going down a bit of a rabbit hole today and this is an interesting connection:
https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-ptsd-fear-circuit-deficits/

https://www.additudemag.com/trauma-adhd-ptsd-causes-connection/?src=embed_link

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-and-trauma-may-go-hand-in-hand/?src=embed_link

Posttraumatic stress disorder in adult attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder: clinical features and familial transmission:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/23561240/

PTSD and CPTSD could present together because of abnormal fear circuitry. Also, the abnormal fear circuitry gives both conditions similarities.

In some of my IFS journey's I've come across a "fear" state and/or fearful aspects of my m. Also, I feel in a lot of social situations people think I'm a fearful person (and maybe try to intimidate me). I also think I then counter this by saying, I'm not a fearful person while then maybe engaging in some risky behaviour. I always thought there was a certain intimidation/aggressiveness coming from my m which I would then respond to and maybe it is/was but it has disrupted my neural pathways/set something in motion genetically?

This is also interesting: Those with ADHD often disconnect from physical discomforts by numbing themselves with food, drugs, sex, risky behaviors, or by being workaholics. Somatic therapy offers greater physical and emotional control over the body's uncomfortable responses to distress

https://www.additudemag.com/somatic-therapy-adhd/?src=embed_link

Peoples' experiences here are also illuminating as to what is CPTSD and ADHD and how they might differentiate in feeling:
https://www.reddit.com/r/ADHD/search/?q=cptsd&restrict_sr=1&sr_nsfw=

After experimenting with my vitamins and methylation cycle, I started to experience the feeling of waking up panicked in the middle of the night. I think the feeling could be described as a kind of terror, I'd never experienced it before. I did some digging and found the below on methylation and night terrors in children. The link between nutrient levels, night terrors and methylation is interesting.

https://www.realizehealth.com.au/2015/12/08/sleep-and-neurotransmitters/

I was taking Acetylcholine before bed and then found I have a homozygous PEMT enzyme which means I have reduced capacity in changing acetylcholine to phosphatylcholine. So, there was excess acetylcholine I guess. Maybe this is useful to someone out there.

Have had health issues for ages with unexplained root cause(s). I always figured it was somehow related to the effects of chronic stress (high cortisol causing inflammation etc) but wowee I think I may have cracked it: SIBO and more interestingly, SIBO's effect on the vagus nerve. That nerve that runs throughout our whole body and is modulates our response to stress, anxiety and other CPTSD related factors.

Have had very diverse symptoms for years - unexplained weight gain (always told it's what I'm eating/exercise etc even when I am tracking calories), sometimes when I eat my food would get stuck in my throat, skin rashes, intolerance to wine (like blackout drunk but somehow functioning after only two glasses. A medic told me it's because my body gets toxic really fast), enamel wearing off my teeth despite brushing and flossing everyday (again was told it's my oral hygiene), low folate, iron. Doctors always suggested therapy as they couldn't find a cause.

After tracking my weight/calories/gym routine for the last three months and losing body fat but no kgs, I started looking into possibilities why and found a connection between SIBO and weight gain due to slower intestinal transit time. Bam! Or first Bam as I was able to lose weight before on a calorie restricted diet. My trainer said maybe I had done metabolic damage but that didn't sit right. The second time I tried to cut weight on a calorie restricted diet was after covid. Apparently, covid is also a disease of the gut and can affect your gut microbiome (why they are starting to do rectal tests in China). Ok interesting. This led me to look at the different kinds of SIBO and their symptoms where I saw that Hydrogen Sulfide SIBO can give you a reaction to wine. Bam Bam! After trying the rough and ready test of peptobismal to confirm - it looks like yes, I do have SIBO. Hydrogen Sulfide is also a by product of H Pylori, which I did have and treated about five years ago. After I cleared the H Pylori, I went to the doctor as it still felt something was not right but of course they told me it was all in my head.

As I started to address the Hydrogen Sulfide SIBO, it gave me some very real herx reactions/ die off (neck pain) which is where I learned of the connection between SIBO and the Vagus Nerve. BAM! I've heard about the gut-brain axis but this is it. The vagus nerve is what helps control our physiological symptoms of anxiety/fight flight etc. and C/PTSD has one of the strongest body/brain relationships (ie Body Keeps the Score). My imbalanced gut could be keeping my trauma alive. Well, it's probably more circular as the trauma also affects the vagus nerve and then the functioning of the gut and vice versa.

"When your microbiome is unbalanced from trauma it communicates that message of chaos back to our mind via the vagus nerve. It can become a harmful cycle of the embodied  sensation of danger, repeating messages between the brain and gut that the body needs to fight or flee even though safety is abundant."

https://flourishinaustin.com/news-notes/trauma-digestion-vagusnerve

"In line, there is preliminary evidence for gut bacteria to have beneficial effect on mood and anxiety, partly by affecting the activity of the vagus nerve."

https://www.frontiersin.org/articles/10.3389/fpsyt.2018.00044/full

"But 2016 experiments with mice at the Office of Naval Research, of all places, found that trauma seriously disrupts gut bacteria, killing off various varieties and making it less diverse. "The gut and bowels are a very complex ecology," the researchers said. "The less diversity, the greater disruption to the body." A lack of diversity of gut flora's been seen elsewhere, like in humans who've spent a lot of time in hospital, and it is very much not good news. However, the researchers also found something interesting: when they transplanted more diverse gut flora into the traumatized mice, the mice became much calmer and showed a lot less misery."

https://www.bustle.com/p/trauma-affects-your-digestive-health-in-very-real-ways-31764

I just wanted to share this as I didn't see any posts yet on the SIBO/CPTSD connection. Maybe it will help someone else with those unexplained health issues that doctors can't seem to pin down. I know how distressing it was to be told that there was nothing wrong and it was all in my head when I knew something wasn't right.

If anyone is interested these IFS workshops are happening in the next month through the Life Architect website:

One is Embracing Legacy Burdens with Osnat Arbel:
https://lifearchitect.com/embracing-legacy-burdens-ifs-therapy/

And the other is on Unattached Burdens with Robert Falconer:
https://lifearchitect.com/the-farther-reaches-of-ifs/

I've been much more cautious with dating lately and have had some good experiences recently with setting boundaries. 

Went on a date with someone last night and it seemed good - he's very open, warm and seemingly geniune. At the beginning of the date we started to click and something in me shut down. We continued the date and it was easy - I could ramble on about Covid and all the freakish things happening right now. Although, I did feel a bit self conscious about it. I don't know if it was the cold (we were distanced and outside) but all through the date, I had problems getting my thoughts together. This has happened in the past where I'm slow to speak but not for a while. I'm guessing this is dissociation.

Was really upset with myself this morning that I felt like I've wrecked something with someone and that I was too cold, or odd or strange. Or that because I wasn't open, he thinks I just want a fling. This is a really strong feeling. He said it was fun and we made tentative plans for next week. Haven't heard from him and don't want to reach out today but maybe tomorrow I will. Would like him to text first. Just trying to unpack these feelings a bit. I guess it's triggered something.

Hi all - I think it's time for me to start this and put it out into the ether. I find it helpful to know that ppl reading this have similar experiences to me, which I don't really find IRL.

I've read Pete Walker's Complex PTSD book (the first diagnosis that made sense) and have been doing the work with EMDR. I've been feeling off and having responses to things lately that seem like an EF but I just can't out my finger on what's caused it, and find it hard to get out of. Well, it could be a couple things. I had some problems with my neighbours during lockdown. I started lifting weights a few years ago and it's really helped with stress. Boxing is also amazing but hard to do in lockdown. While working out, I had the music on (not especially loud and only for an hour a day) but the neighbours above me would stomp on the ceiling. I know this might sound crazy but it felt like I was being watched from above. I started going into the kitchen, and even without music, they would stomp on the ceiling. I would accidently drop something on the table and there would be footsteps above me. I like to leave the dishes until morning and wash them while I'm waiting for the coffee to brew, but as soon as there would be the rattle of dishes in in the dish rack, there would be footsteps above me. A lot of the time they would be heavier than what seems normal. I also had another incident at work where I'm pretty sure some coworkers threw a chestnut at the back of my head. When I went to their manager about it, I was the one who was excluded and made to work alone. This really put me back into a place of feeling bullied growing up and not being able to escape from ppl that tormented me.

TW -

My n mom remarried when I was 7 to my step father who verbally abused her and me, and physically abused her later. She told me later that she thought it was right at the time. She was doing drugs before this, and going out at night, leaving me home alone after we moved out of my grandfather's house when I was 5. I'm amazed how smart children are. That I could understand my mom and her friend was doing drugs while I played in the room with the woman's daughter next door. My mom always minimized this incident - which is maybe why I minimize ppl's behaviour/things now. So, she thought my step father would bring her some stability I guess.

My step father was very jealous over how my mom and I were. If I wanted attention from her or was close, he would tell me that I'm a "suck." He was a big, strong "Man" so the last thing you could be was vulnerable. I was quite rebellious and even then could see that his behaviour was wrong. I think he once made me write like 5 pages of lines because I ate something in the fridge I wasn't supposed to. So, I had to sit at the kitchen table and write, I will not pig out. He used to make my mom and I run 2K (?) three times a week with him because he thought we were fat. Really, he hated himself and projected it onto us. My mom's response to this when I pointed out how unfair he was being was, "sometimes it's better in a marriage not to rock the boat." And that was it. There was no one there to really protect me or stick up for me. My grandfather did, but not really. My grandmother, who took all my soaked clothes and told me I was freezing when I went to her house after running 2K in freezing slush, also I didn't tell off my mom or make a scene about what she was doing to me. They thought my step father was not great (or an ape as they called him) but somehow I didn't feel stood up for.

It's like I know this stuff is bad but it never sinks in how bad it was. I know I can't talk about it to ppl. When I mentioned it to a coworker who was sharing his experiences of neglect growing up, I told him I used to have to run. He said that's enough to mess someone up for life.

TW End -

When I come up against unreasonable ppl like my neighbours now, there is still the feeling of not being able to escape. It's like there's no psychic protection and maybe they were a threat but it's like you never really know. I didn't think it I was being a bad neighbour. When I moved out from my old flat, I was told by the upstairs neighbour that I was great, they never knew I was there. I even asked the ppl upstairs to stop stomping on the ceiling and they basically told me I was imagining it. I ended up moving apartments for peace of mind but that heightened response to stress is still lingering months later.

So, I came back to the forum and have found some great resources which is helping a bit. I'm reading about IFS and how to relate to your "different parts" but still a bit cautious about unleashing something I can't control. Haha maybe that's my manager speaking but it's done it's job well for getting me out of that house growing up in one piece to where I am now and am thankful for that. I guess it just still feels like there's so many dangerous ppl out here in the world.

Wanted to say how affirming it is to read everyone's experiences on this board. I find myself having similar struggles with trust in my relationships and peoples' "selfish" intent. I've just joined this board and am reflective on where I'm at and beginning to map out my next healing steps.

I grew up in isolation and I don't mind being a loner to a certain degree. Certain times it's helped me - that I've had to stand up for myself against "injustice" and been the only voice to do so. Like when I stood up to my step father and mother's bullying behaviour. This has followed me into adulthood and find myself in a similar position at work sometimes - a lot of the time. I have a demanding job in a competitive field where there are limited number of women. As in less than 10 out of over 100 men doing the same job. My abilities are questioned, my personality is questioned and a lot of the time it brings up "old stuff" in me.

I find myself to be a quiet person at heart. I like to observe and be reflective about things, prefer deeper connections. It's been hard to find similar people to relate to in my career and life. I think underneath it all is still a small me, not really trusting people or wanting to bring them in. I think over a time, I've been so discouraged by peoples' bad/selfish behaviour that I do feel like it's better to be alone. I guess that's not true on some level. Even in a NPD group I found someone who seemed like they got it, but I had issues. I was explaining how I'd never found a partner (I think as a result of my upbringing and not being able to get close to people, choosing narcs for a while) and that I'd been coming to terms with the fact that I might never have children (something I've always wanted) because I'm getting older and that window is closing (40 now). So, it's something I have to realistically come to terms with. They said no you can't give up and sent me a photo of her daughter out of nowhere.   

When I do meet someone new that I think I might have a connection with, I get anxiety that I might do something to mess it up or that it's not going to work out anyway. I get bypassed in romantic relationships for women who come from "good families" and who are "confident" (I say confident but in my experience what men perceive as confident involves a lot of passive aggressive/petty behaviour to other women) or left when I want more of a connection than just sex. Underneath that I think is the belief/feeling that I might be used/exploited. I have anxiety about being "out there" in the world with so many judgemental and uncaring people.

This is a bit of a ramble but I just wanted to say I relate to those who feel like they're alone and continually disappointed with social interaction. For the longest time I thought is was me. However, I'm really glad I've tried to be as true as possible to myself and what I need even if it isn't /wasn't always easy.

Hi Everyone,

I came across OOTS almost a year ago but never read the Welcome to the Forum/Introductory post message. So, here I am, back again after a little break. 

I realized I had CPTSD about four/five years ago after dating a narcissist. I remembered what my old therapist said about my mom being a narcissist after I kept getting blamed in the relationship and felt like I was going crazy. It took a good 10 years for that to sink in from when he first said it, but I started looking into narcissism. He also diagnosed me as a little Borderline/Histrionic but that's another topic for another time as I can see a lot of you are aware  Through attending a NPD recovery group, someone mentioned Pete Walker's CPTSD book and everything started to make more sense. I've been doing EMDR with a new therapist for the past few years and found both growth and some relief from anxiety. There's also other family trauma like my father's suicide when I was 14 but that's a different topic too. Or is it? TBD

I guess a little bit about me and what I experience: anxiety, difficulty getting close to people; anxiety when people get too close; feeling like I'm constantly bullied or get into situations where I have to fight back; a lot of self doubt (this is getting better with EMDR and therapy I think - I can begin to see now some of the good things that I bring to the table and how it isn't always me). Relationships with other women - feeling like I'm being bullied/in competition all the time/belittled. Control is probably in here too. I'd say I'm a high functioning person with CPTSD. I think most people wouldn't think I have this stuff going on. Others think I'm crazy 

Over the past few months (maybe more), I feel like I have overwhelming emotions/anxiety that I can't seem to get to the bottom of or control. Last time when I came to OOTS, I had a sense of why I was triggered (dating someone who was ghosting me - a big trigger as they "seemed" into it). This time, I'm not sure. It could be the last EMDR session I had during lockdown (got into issues with the neighbours over noise/felt like they were bullying me) or I've just read that apparently people who have had Covid will experience some mental disorder (anxiety, depression) after having it. Ever since I came back to work after lockdown, I've felt like my responses to stress were much more heightened.

I think the forum is a great resource of people who feel the same things as me and "get it." I've often felt like not a lot of people understand how I feel, and is helpful to read that people are going through similar issues and there's not something "wrong" with us   

I came across some posts on IFS this week and listened to a couple of the youtube seminars that Snowdrop (?) posted and it's blown my mind. A lot of things have been coming up in the last couple months that align with what Richard Schwartz says. I might start a recovery journal to explore some of the parts and my relationship to them in the hopes that some of you understand. I'm not sure my therapist knows IFS but she is supportive.

Hope everyone gets the recovery they need,
dollyvee