Sceal's third journal

Sceal · October 03, 2019, 07:45:01 PM

I didn't think they were insensitive, I think you just misunderstood me

I haven't actually talked to him today besides "hi, how was your day? Fine. yours? fine."

I had my session with Lady T today. It was a good session. I managed to tell her that I've had mistrust issues with her. I was struggling with the words, because I felt awkward and like accusatory. And hadn't really thought it through how I was going to actually say it. But she guessed it. relieving me of the stress of actually saying it. She told me a personal story about trust and feedback too, which was amusing (because she started to swear.. and she's not native to my tongue so she has a bit of an accent when she speaks). I felt rejuvinated when I left, and then I met up with another support person for dinner. And we got to talking about fun stuff which made us both giggle like teenagers. It was nice!

I feel stronger. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it is that I know some more of my boundaries.
The fight yesterday, although awful. It's teaching me that I can stand up for myself now. Teaching me that I wont be pushed down and forced into feelings of guilt. I am feeling slightly bad though, of course. But not as bad as I used to be. And it might not last for very long - or might even work with other people. But it's working right now.

sanmagic7 · October 03, 2019, 08:45:06 PM

i'm so glad, sceal. i was worried - i never want to upset you. i'll be more careful with my words.

i'm also so glad you talked to lady t and everything turned out well, and you felt good about it. i love that you and your friend ended up with the giggles - so fun!

plus, that the fight ended up with you learning something pos. about your boundaries and standing up for them - that's so great!

as a follow-up, i watched the second episode of the tv series 'prodigal son', and while it's intense, i'm going to watch it again. i don't know what direction the main character will eventually go - he's dealing with a lot - but i think they're capturing the effects of trauma, symptoms, how it interferes, family issues - all kinds of stuff we talk about here. i don't know if it's for everyone, but it's interesting to me to see this played out on the screen. mental health issues, especially trauma, have not always gone very in-depth.

love and hugs

Not Alone · October 03, 2019, 09:08:53 PM

Sceal, thumbs up for telling Lady T about the trust issues. I know this has been weighing on you. I also know it was a risk to tell her. Good job.

Jazzy · October 03, 2019, 10:33:56 PM

Sounds like great progress Sceal; good job!

Sceal · October 07, 2019, 08:29:33 PM

I am stronger than I used to be.
I feel guilt, but not too much that it is crippling me down and making me back down. It's unpleasant to live here, and if I don't move this friendship will never have a chance to become.. well a friendship again. We are keeping eachother down, and even if he doesn't want to realize it - that will be his problem and not mine. I am, as many has tried to tell me for years, not responsible for him. He is an adult.
I think it's taken me this long to stop this behaviour because it means giving up on someone. On someone that loves me and who has been there. But just because it's not working out doesn't mean that he is a jerk, and it doesn't mean that I'm being a b*. We are simply just not good for eachother, and we both deserve better.

Although I realise this now, that I have half a foot to stand on, I hope I will manage to stay strong with this for the remainer of the time we live together.
Which is, I think, going to be a constant uphill battle for the next few months.

I talked to Mr. T today, as I might have mentioned previously, I gave him permission to nitpick, to ask questions and to push me. And he really did take it to heart. Today he said he thinks that I'm not so sick as I make myself out to be. It was hard to hear, but I think it has some merits. What he meant is that I've locked myself into a pattern that keeps me frozen in time rather than moving forward and using the tools and skills that I got to my own advantage. I'm not sure how to break this pattern, but I see there is some truth to what he is saying - some of the time. Right now I am not knee-deep in a depression and it's easier to see things more clearly, and as I stated earlier in this post that I feel stronger. That also helps me seeing things more clearly. It was hard to hear though, and I even dared to tell him I do not fully agree. But what happened instead of me feeling like I had to defend myself, explain myself, was that I felt hopeful. Hopeful that I might have the chance to work 40-50% sometime in not too far a future. Which would push me just over the poverty lines.

So although, there are challenges - some of them have now become less impactful, or I've faced them and they're not as big bad wolves as I feared they'd be, and some are on the horizon. But I will deal with them when they arrive, not before.

Not Alone · October 08, 2019, 02:48:55 AM

I see your strength and courage in giving Mr. T permission to question and push you. I see your wisdom in looking at what he said and asking yourself what part of that has validity. Love that you are feeling hopeful.

Quote from: Sceal on October 07, 2019, 08:29:33 PM
So although, there are challenges - some of them have now become less impactful, or I've faced them and they're not as big bad wolves as I feared they'd be, and some are on the horizon. But I will deal with them when they arrive, not before.

sanmagic7 · October 08, 2019, 04:52:51 AM

sending love and a hug filled w/ clarity.

Sceal · October 08, 2019, 05:19:39 AM

Thank you guys

Blueberry · October 08, 2019, 08:05:19 AM

I see a lot of strength and courage too, Sceal.

Sceal · October 08, 2019, 08:19:47 PM

Something strange happened yesterday. Someone allowed someone else to copy my work and is now asking me if I think it's okay. ( There's a bit more to it, but I don't want to explain too much. This is the gist of it though). My initial reaction was bafflement, confusion and slight amusement. Because someone thought I was good enough to be copied is such an incredible strange concept to me. I didn't respond until today though, but I decided to let them know that what they did wasn't in good faith, and I am not too happy about it. I tried to be firm yet friendly. It was a good opportunity for me to practice standing up for myself.
Which also baffles me. Two weeks ago this would have created such an anxiety ridden problem. I wouldn't have known how to deal with it. It's crazy.

sanmagic7 · October 08, 2019, 09:37:16 PM

to my eyes, this is another example of your strength shining through, sceal. more progress - well done!

love and hugs, sweetie.

Sceal · October 10, 2019, 05:14:30 AM

Thank you. I am surprised by myself. It is quite pleasant. I just hope it lasts for a while.

Hope67 · October 11, 2019, 10:32:51 AM

Hi Sceal,
I hope it lasts too. Sending you a hug, if that's ok.

Hope

Sceal · October 17, 2019, 07:12:58 PM

Thanks Hope. A hug from you are always welcome

--
Last week was full of meetings after meetings after meetings. I worked extra. I was exhausted. I just wanted to lie down and hide in my bed.
Someone is being forced out from work against their will, or so it appears. there's stuff around the next exhibition and the last one. And planning and things that could be improved. and just general hecticness. and somewhat poor managing style. Although nice enough people. And some bad news dropped in my lap for my future.. Or potentially bad news.

Took the day off on monday. Went in on tuesday. been home since.
Saw my GP on wednesday. Got my flu shot, my b12 shot, and general well wishes and such. I felt fine, optimistic. But that was before my session with Lady T. Lady T was going through the rapport she has to write for me to apply for disability. It was... a suckerpunch. She hates writing them, because she doesn't know what my prognosis is, and she stopped a few times and said she didn't fully agree with what she's written. but in order for me to get a win, it's how she has to phrase things.
At the time, sitting there hearing it I felt.. very little. a bit nauseous at times, but mainly nothing. It was hard to focus. When I got home yesterday I felt it sinking in. I was exhausted. I just kept staring at the clock willing it to go faster so I could go sleep.

Today I've been in and out of bed all day. I just want to lie under the blanket and pretend that a particular person is just holding me. And that's it. i don't want anything else. I don't want to feel anything. That rapport basically says I'm useless and worthless and I wont be able to function at a job.
I wish i was a tiny bit less ambitious. or dumber, so I wouldn't understand or feel that everything is in ruins. That I will never amount to anything.

I called Lady T today and left a message, I hope she'll call me tomorrow. I need to know what she do think about me, if she didn't believe in everything she wrote. I need to know if she thinks better of me or worse. I desperatedly hope it's better.

sanmagic7 · October 17, 2019, 08:36:19 PM

dear sceal,

from a t perspective, i know that these reports are worded a certain way so as to ascertain the 'need' of an individual. it is bureaucratic in scope, has to be done a specific way with specific indications. i know of t's who literally forged reports in order to get their clients the best help available. because insurance and other benefits are set up to show an illness perspective, the reality of your wellness and all the parts of you that function well and can be improved have to be hidden. it's a sucky way to go about it, and therapists hate it.

i'm sorry about this, i truly am. i'm glad you messaged your t to ask about it. sending you love and a hug filled w/ positivity.