Sceal's third journal

[Sceal]

I spent most of the morning yesterday sleeping on the sofa, because I felt so off brain-wise. Such a fog. Then I somehow managed to get out of the appartment, to town and to my game session with the new group. On my way there the fog lifted from my brain. Which of course is making me worry that there's something going on in the appartment making me feel so brain-fuzzy. After a few hours at the game night the fog returned however. Although it is strongest when I'm home.

I got up to my parents, as I'm watching the dogs today. I had to wake up super early to drive them to the airport. and I got back and slept for another two hours. I've done some e-mail writing that I've been ignoring for two months.

And now I am all restless. I know it's good for me to not overextend today, but I can't seem to sit down on focus on just one thing. I have so many things I'd like to do. So it seems that my energy is getting back up again. Although... I'm wondering when the fog will hit me again. Maybe I really need to air out my appartment at home this week-end and clear out alot of stuff. Unless it's the radiator that's the trouble. leaking some gas or something? I don't even know if that's a thing. Or maybe it's the new vitamins that are helping? Or it is the fact that I get a few hours now completely alone and I get to re-focus everything.
Gah! I wish I knew which one was the actual answer to the problem so I could do it next time.

My muscle soreness after boxing is starting to wear off. I can now undress and dress without major difficulties.

I think I am stressed though, this unease and unrest that I got feeling within me.. it's bothersome. it's like I can't calm down.
But all in all.. I'm not depressed. So I'm doing okay.

[Three Roses]

I get fuzzy minded if I isolate myself too much. We're built to be social. A difficult dichotomy to navigate, for sure. 

[Sceal]

Something has been going on with my brain this last week.
And I don't like it. reading online it sounds as if the description of "brain fog" fits. But... it doesn't feel like a fog. It feels like my cognitive abilities are slowing down, or not even turned on.  alternating with I can feel that my brain, energy hungry as it is, has used up all of the energy my body has had on offer and leaves me completely drained  like a useless husk. Today is the first day I'm not having a nap.
But I need to nap tomorrow, because I need to be able to be alert in the evening. I worry I wont.

Emotionally I'm doing alright. I don't feel too much of anything besides mild worry of what's going on with my brain and random panicky thoughts that I rationally can tell is far off the bat, but still leaves me with a nagging feeling that something isn't right. And frustration of my exhaustion levels. And moments of sadness - but they pass relatively quickly.

I'm nervous about boxing again on Monday. I know I was in such a good place afterwards last time, but now there's a little layer of expectations from my end that I will do just as well, if not better. Or that I will feel equally as good. But I shall try and psych myself up enough to go.

[Sceal]

My brainfog seems to have lifted somewhat. I haven't had the radiator on the last few days. But also I've been on the vitamin B1 pills since tuesday, and maybe those have started working?  I feel more myself now. Less scared that my cognitive abilities are fading. I am too young for that.

I asked X if I was talking too much or being annoying. X said no to both. Which is good. X also asked me if someone had said so, I said no. I just like to check sometimes. After yesterdays game I got to play another game with x, and x was being caring. It was nice. I know I need to stop this crush, and not think so much about x. Let it become some sort of deeper friendship instead, but it is hard. Especially because I imagining x holding around me when I go to bed, and then I feel safer. And I need to feel as safe as I can. I don't want that to go away.

I sleep alot still though. Twice in a row I've been over 10 hours. I don't like it. Because it makes me floppy and groggy.

[Jazzy]

Glad to hear its lifting. You're dealing with some difficult stuff. Take care!

[Sceal]

Thanks Jazzy.

It doesn't feel so hard, as much as it feels so much of it at once. If it had just been 1-2 things it would have been much more easily manageable.

Lady T called me today and asked to postpone my session this week til next week. She was very thankful and grateful that I could help her out. I was feeling okay when she called. So I figured why not. Although, shortly after the phone call was over I started feeling really bad. I eventually got myself out on a hike and all the thoughts was overwhelming me. I ended up daydreaming about a fictional conversation with X. It helped me get my thoughts and emotions away from the things that are worrying me and stressing me out. So I started feeling better.

I cancelled a party tomorrow in order to go boxing. So I'm caring for my physical health over my social/emotional health right now. And I think it is what I need. I hope that once I start feeling stronger physically that can somehow transform into emotional strength as well.

[Sceal]

No boxing this week. I am a little bummed out by that. Although i've been fighting off performance anxiety in regards to that all week. But my arm is still acting up.

Feeling overwhelmed, sad, and like I have no privacy. I'm being worn quite thin by social engagements (voulentary and upkeep of friendships, and work). It's alright when I'm there, but it drains my energy. And I feel I have no downtime. The tension at home is no good. I feel like I live in a pigsty. He wont help me clean properly.. or rather keep it clean. He doesn't see the problem. He never did. So I end up trying to work, be left exhausted and have to tidy up and clean on the days I got off when I am supposed to make sure I don't get overwhelmed and overworked. Whereas he sits on the pc all week. He has one day of work this week. 1. And he can't tidy up because 1) he doesn't see the problem or 2) it's his day off so he wants to enjoy it. (but when it's his day of work he uses that as an excuse to not tidy up.. because after all he's been to work).
It's been like this since he moved here. I'm exhausted. He doesn't see it, he doesn't see the problem. He doesn't want to.

I need to finish my work for the exhibition by monday. I didn't realize this. I don't have anything ready. So I have to work harder tomorrow. And maybe go in over the week-end. The only good thing about that is that: i dont have to be at home.

I got such big cravings for sweets though. I am really struggling to avoid going up to the shop and just getting a candy bar right now.

[Jazzy]

Sorry to hear it Sceal. That's really rough. I think it is so important to be able to relax and feel safe at home. Hopefully that's something you can get back to. I hope your arm heals soon. Take care!

[Sceal]

Last week both Lady T and Mr T cancelled. It left me with surprisingly negative emotions... A while after they cancelled.
It feels as if I keep having delayed reactions to things the past week or so.

I had to attempt to set some boundaries with a VIP friend of mine. And I was panic riddled for the next few days. Still am tbh.

Monday I had session with Lady T. And it left me dissociated. The log on my phone states I was stuck in a public restroom for 2 hours after that session. I don't really remember.. I remember the light was so bright and the noise wouldn't go away and I just wanted to fade away to nothingness.
I woke up with a new haircolour. I don't really remember dying my hair either. So that was disorienting.
Tuesday was full of in and out of dissociation. It's exhausting when only part of your brain is turned on. And occasionally just turns itself off and then half back on again. Trying to hide it.
Sounds being louder. People being... More... Peopley..

I'm super emotional the past two days. I feel so incredibly inadequate. My art fails. I fail. Nothing is working. I don't know how to do things. Everyone is a critic. I shouu just accept I'm *. Just give up on it.
But... I don't want to give up.  But also... I just I don't have it in me right now to deal with it all.

So tired.
I just want to cry.
To sleep.
Be far far away

[Snowdrop]

That sounds overwhelming. I don't think you're inadequate, far from it. Well done for recognising that you don't want to give up.

[Not Alone]

Sceal,
That sounds very disorienting.  My therapist would tell me to do what you can to bring calm to your triggered body. If that doesn't help or fit, please disregard.

[Sceal]

Thank you both.

The day didn't turn out great. They kept pushing me at work. and there were loads of people there today, some unknown but mostly people I know who are, but whom I seldom work together with. And I just couldn't hack it. I refused to eat lunch with people. And afterwards I sat curled up in the recliner trying extremly hard not to cry and to block out all the noise. It didn't work. Blocking out the noise that is.

when I finally left I felt like crying my eyeballs out. And I'm generally not one person who ends up crying alot. I generally aren't able to. I wish I could sometimes, and for those times I usually need a really emotional movie to help me to get started. But not yesterday.
After work I had said yes to socialize, and since it was a group activity I couldn't bail out. I don't want to be the one who always bails out. I warned the hostess though. And I showed up on her door early. walking in the cold with my noise cancelling headphones without music helped me calm down a little. I was still struggling but not so much it was visible anymore I think.

But when I walked home around 21ish.. I ended up in a prolongued asthma attack which ended up me calling the ER, and spending my money on cabfare and sitting there until 2 in the morning.

Today I'm shattered. I don't know who to call for help. And at the same time I don't want to talk to anyone.
I don't want to burden anyone.
I don't want to worry anyone.
I don't want to pretend.

I just want to be held in silence. But it's not possible.

[Snowdrop]

I'm not there in real life, but I'm thinking of you and sending hugs.

[Not Alone]

Sceal, I'm sorry things are so incredibly difficult right now.

[Three Roses]

Being held in understanding, empathetic silence sounds lovely. I can only do it virtually but know it's heartfelt. (And safe.)