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Hey, Bheart -

I can relate to much of what you are saying because I go round and round with my relationship with my T, but it's usually in my head.

I understand the attachment thing. That was the first thing I thought about when I committed to go - that I would probably get very attached to this person once I let them earn my trust and get close to me, how would I ever be able to leave? As a friend of mine explained, I would grow strong enough to not need her, and it would be a gradual taper from seeing her, not a sudden door slam. Well, I am sorry  you are getting the door slam. That is TOUGH. However, I do see the red flags you are seeing - four weeks of not responding to an email? Come on, they owe us more than that.

I am going through some crap with my therapist right now. For example, she takes a LOT of time off for travel. I figured out today I have seen her eight times in the last 4 months, granted, not all her fault, there were holidays in there, but I feel she is only half in, not all in. I also mentioned a couple of times my want to quit, and she didnt pick  up on it. I confronted her via email 3x whether or not she really wants to work with me. She ensured me that she does.

It is a truly unique relationship, one that is not balanced. It is tough to remember that WE are paying THEM and we should be getting what we need. WE have the right to say it, expect it, clarify it, take the wheel. NOT easy, because they do assume a position of POWER. Sometimes we have to take back the wheel. When we do this, there may be feelings of stirring the pot, being a bad girl, feeling shame, because we are verbalizing our needs, and that is new and unusual.

I suspect that perhaps there may be a kinder person out there willing to make more of a connection or commitment with you. It does sound like maybe there are some abandonment issues at hand, and your T hasn't stepped up. My .02. Best to you.

I had that same question, Kizzie, about how yes, you may be able to use EMDR on this specific bad memory or that one, but what about the big heaping bucket? A question for the EMDR T for sure.

I did a bit of poking around this weekend and found the following:
http://www.emdryorkshire.org/resource/Plagaro-Neill-Dissociation-Reversal-Sheffield.pdf
http://www.advancededucationalproductions.com/publications-articles/treatingCPSD.htm
http://emdr-web.org/complex-ptsd-cptsd-and-dissociation/

I will probably give it a go to supplement what I'm already doing with my current therapist. Why not? Another attempt at pushing the cart forward.

I have read the other threads about EMDR and am curious if anyone has used it specifically for dissociation?

I have a big speed bump in therapy where when it's time to delve into feelings a switch is thrown and I numb out. Its the biggest issue I have to confront right now as I can't cry or grow as long as I hit this wall.
 
I went to a new T on Friday for a "second opinion" to get a different voice than my usual T.
We discussed my history in therapy and to be brief she basically said that more talk therapy probably
wouldn't help me and recommended an EMDR therapist (and told me to let her know if I'd like to come back and keep working with her - uh what???)

Anyway I thought EMDR was for resolving specific memories but she said no it can be used for issues. Now I may try it so I can move forward with my regular trauma therapist(not accepting talk t wont help...I thought that was a bold statement after a 40 min chat). I'm curious about memories too as I seem to be memoried out.

I feel your pain!
Re: the contemplation; I battle with insomnia and lately I have been thinking about this stuff in the middle of the night, wondering about memories, wondering what I am *not* remembering. Not helping with the sleep patterns!

Anyway, yes, it does take time. It's important to remember that it's small steps and it's worth it. I recently went through a big discussion w my T about my frustration due to the slow process and how something slightly quicker than a glacial crawl would be encouraging. Enter "complex"!

I downloaded the It's Not You, It's What Happened to You: Complex Trauma and Treatment by Dr. Courtois.
It was free with a Kindle Prime membership, or $2.99 if you aren't. It's about 12o pages long. I read about 1/3 of it last night.
It's a good intro to folks interested in learning the basics of trauma. She covers the different types of trauma and the types of attachment in the material that I read. I would recommend it.

I also downloaded a sample of "Rebuilding Shattered Lives: Treating Complex PTSD and Dissociative Disorders" by James Chu and coincidentally Dr Courtoid wrote the forward in the bk. It is aimed more toward therapists and a bit pricey, I found value in the first few chapters that went into the history of trauma through recent history, more deeply into how the view of trauma has changed over the last 3-4 decades. I'm tempted to buy this one.

OK, slacker here.
I've meant to buy a new book to aid in recovery but have been happy to bury myself in fiction this winter.
So, of course I have read Pete's book.
I have read Taming the Tiger.
Anyone have suggestions on the quintessential book?
Reviews here lean heavily toward The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, 5 stars on Amazon.
Should I put that in my queue? I started to read the sample which was heavy in combat trauma.

Thank you for your suggestions.

I hope that Nibbe can see value in himself and how talented he is to be a landscaper, farmer and so on, and that HSP is a gift (and a curse at times, it seems).

YES YES, it makes sense to do therapy. It can be a slow, gradual process building trust with that third party, but that's OK. I know this hurdle very well and I also understand the peace found in solitude. It does not always equate to loneliness. But the fact that you are asking this question tells us that you are not content with the status quo.

Nibbe could live to be 100, age is not a factor here. Finding some relief is. Invest in yourself. You are worth it.
Best to you!

What an upbeat and positive post - great to hear, Kizzie! Congrats on making positive strides.

Right, perhaps it's a kind of Social Anxiety?

Hi, MaryContrary -
A couple of things come my mind -
- Fight or Flight Syndrome - easier to leave the situation than address the bad neighbors, etc.
- Another symptom of trauma - things settle down, become routine and ordinary, we have to rock the boat and make changes as "normal" is boring and unusual to us

...and on a lighter note I just realized I've been walking around all day with my sweatpants on backwards.  Some days I crack myself up.

It's good to hear that the intensity is decreasing, flookadelic.

One thing I have found to be frustrating is the comfort in the fog. In the morning silence when I'm drinking my coffee pre-work, it's almost a welcome escape to sit and zone out for a bit.

I don't lose time; for me, it's more of a numbing of emotions that I want to get past. Feeling nothing, shutting down, checking out whenever the heavy hitting questions come at me during therapy is a real hurdle for me.

- I'm grateful that I get to work at home today with my cat beside me and the sound of the wind versus listening to co-workers and pretending to conform.
- I'm grateful that I am finding it easier to talk about my feelings with people who matter to me. They may not always like what I have to say, but they spend less time guessing and being frustrated.
- I'm grateful that the holidays are over and I can go back to my version of "normal"

I think you can talk to your t about whatever you want without your husband's approval.

We all know how talking about one thing can sometimes unsurface other things or the crux of it.

please do not accept that the need to talk is stupid. Ever. Do what you need to take care of yourself.

You're quite welcome!

One fact that surprised me was the mention that a feeling can come on out of nowhere for no apparent reason, such as sadness, and then go away as randomly. This has happened to me for years and I had no idea it is dissociation.  The sadness can be overwhelming and pops out of nowhere for as briefly as a few minutes.  I guess it makes sense that if you shut down at one place it will resurface in another like squeezing a bag of jello..