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I believe one sign of recovery is when we start cutting people like this out of our lives to make room for healthy relationships. If you can't discuss this and feel validated, let er rip. There are lots of good people worthy of our friendship. Best to you.

Agree. Everything that matters is relational and how we can get healthy with that.

Excellent! I liked it a lot. I got it from the library and copied several sections for future reference. Id be interested to know your thoughts on the exercise on page 89 when you get there.

I prefer keeping folks at a distance. I learned a social skill from someone many years ago where if you ask people about themselves they soak it up and it keeps the focus averted. Rarely do I find someone who reciprocates but when they do I know Ive found a keeper.

Recently a very close friend and I have grown apart and I emailed her twice about how I felt and how much her friendship means to me. She suggested that we get together to talk in response both times so we did. I felt it was in her court as I said what I had to say but neither time did she bring it up!! We have called each other 'family' as we were so close for a few years but she wants to pretend there isn't a problem and I refuse to play that game. She is a fellow trauma survivor so seems conflict is hard for her but she's shared with me in length discussions and conflicts with men she's dated but can't invest in our friendship? Well now we barely talk because I feel hurt that she's not investing. She has just moved in with her boyfriend so I suppose that will take all of her time now. It's tough to have expectations of something like healthy openness and it's also tough to be the only one trying. Seems the pendulum rarely swings in a balanced manner.

Well, this was an interesting and qorthwhile exercise.  I ranked myself from 1-10 on the 10 tasks then my T and I went over them and she ranked me, as well. She ranked me lower on almost all of them except we did agree on a couple.  I realize that she is the observer and I do get a bit activated in there.  She did point out several behaviors and body.language that I hadn't considered. I told her we needed Olympic score cards, she was the Russian judge and I was the American athlete. Yeah, I still got work to do.

Fellow.freezer here and hypervigilant.
I can hear my cat's feet bend the carpet nap, know what I'm sayin'? ;-)

I read in Walker's book that freeze was most difficult of the 4 types to recover from, but not impossible.  I didn't even know what dissociation was until 2 years ago. It has been a long road.

Is your therapist a trauma specialist? I believe we freeze types have some fundamental ground work to get down, such as staying grounded and learning to feel what is going on with our bodies. I have over the past several. Months been focusing on what is going on in my body vs only my 'thoughts'. For example when I feel anxious my chest gets tight or when I feel attacked my gut wrenches. This is where we have to start toward the road to feeling whole. Sometimes it frustrates me because it seems so elementary but in a short amount of time this focus is making a difference. 

Do NOT give up on yourself. Change is possible! Hang in there friend.

Found this tonight,  not sure if anyone has mentioned it.

www.trauma-pages.com

looks like a treasure trove of resources

It's so stinking complicated!!
I grew up with two alcoholic parents. I didn't feel much bonding at all. When I was in my 20s, I was anxious attachment and clingy - I think in early romantic relationships, I was just happy that someone found me loveable and stuck like glue.
Now in middle age, I'm more avoidant. I jumped right over healthy attachment, apparently. 
Perhaps I found it was safer this way. Lower expectations, few disappointments. People are scary.

Kizzie: Do you ever delay opening her emails until your in a good place to read them? Can you mentally prepare? I think we're often programmed to auto open anything that lands in our mailbox. Sometimes when I get into email drama with my sister who is 1400 miles away, I'll let it sit for a couple days until I'm emotionally prepared and it tends to get less of a reaction from me.
I figure if it's REALLY important, they'll call me...

Good for you, BH, and best of luck!

I've recently found myself unemployed and am meditating almost every day, trying to walk at least 30 minutes if I don't make it to the gym, and reading more about healing. Like you, I'm planning to take a year off and focus on recovery. Seriously, can't we find at least 15-30 minutes a day, at least, to devote to our own growth? Maybe we should make a pact! And agreed - with age comes wisdom, and the pieces are falling into place more sensibly, now.

The resetting, I believe, was referencing somatic exercises - looking at how the body carries the memories of trauma and dealing with that.

Cat:
To copy what she wrote about Resetting your nervous system: "In Chapter 2, 'It's a Body Thing,' you learned how trauma alters your physiology. It changes the programming of the nervous system, which then ends up working extra hard, yet is able to accomplish less. This one fact of trauma cannot be emphasized enough: trauma changes your nervous system; therefore, a full recovery from trauma requires resetting the nervous system. It means learning to manage arousal. This is the basis of somatic therapies and for most of the self-help tools for dealing with trauma (see Chapter . Those who do not resolve trauma have weakened resilience, but those who have truly worked through trauma have more resilience and ability to cope and self-regulate."

The tools she mentions in Chapter 8: - hope this helps as I'm not copying text for each of these items



• slowing down the process
• Grounding exercises
• Keeping one foot on solid ground - keep part of your attention anchored in your body, fixed on the present environment, or keep your access to the traumatic material more limited
• Finding your rock - "good mommy" - a regulating resource
• Controlling your arousal level
• Learning to self soothe
• Accepting comfort from another person
• Seeing options
• The three Ss - Stop, soothe and support - an antidote for hyperarousal
• The three Rs - Refocus, reconnect, reenter (an antidote for dissociation)
• The Control Button - imaginary ways of regaining control over traumatic stimuli
  

I am currently reading "Healing from Trauma" by Jasmin Lee Cori, wrapping up the 'symptoms' in the first half and heading into the 'healing' half. It's a very good book, I've read several books on trauma and would put this one near the top. I like the fact that she poses several questions and exercises along the way. Last night, I read this section on "The Tasks of Healing". She said it's not exhaustive, but put forth ten 'common' ones. TEN! Well, I am focusing on, like, two, in the last few years. I suppose that is the more manageable thing to do, and I must give myself credit for having already tackled some of them. This certainly gave me a lot to think about. She suggests writing these down and ranking yourself from 1 (not started) -10 (done) and pick one or more that feel most current and create an action plan to further support this aspect of your healing.

I want to sit and think on this a while. I plan on toting this list in to therapy. It's sounds like an excellent way to kind of create a recovery inventory to me.

I'm copying very briefly each of the tasks, but I hope this is helpful to some of you if you are like me, as sometimes I find myself wondering where I am going on this journey - lost my map!

1. Resetting your nervous system: trauma alters your physiology, a full recovery requires resetting the nervous system
2. Freeing your body of the impacts and holding patterns that have derived from the trauma. Beyond the nervous system, memories in tissues, the defensive contractions, aches and pains
3. Expanding your capacity to stay present. Dissociation and freezing - practice grounding, defuse triggers, learn to recognize dissociation right away, etc.
4. Mastering your trauma symptoms. "Can be a big task". SO she says! Some symptoms go away, some remain and we must skillfully manage those that remain.
5. Being able to feel a full range of emotions without being controlled by any of them. Numbing, avoidance, dissociations limit this.
6. Managing and coming to peace with your memories (or lack of them).
7. Coming to terms with what happened. How it has shaped your life and what it means within your larger life narrative.
8. Making up for what you missed. More relevant to those who suffer trauma early in life, making up for developmental needs that didn't get met - form close trusting bonds, develop self-confidence, etc.
9. Integrating - when we heal, what was shattered becomes whole again. A new identity grows out of the process.
10. Giving back. Developmental needs correspond with different life stages, there is a need to give something back and can see it as an outgrowth of our healing.

I have Roku and there are many yoga.programs. thanks for.the reminder! I think I'll add.that to my repertoire.  I've recently become unemployed and this is not my year of the sheep, rather year of the ram! Charging ahead with a focus on healing. I see Van der Kolk and other therapists strongly rrecommend yoga.

Nice read.  My T has been . working with.me.extensively lately w meditation as a way to become more.connected.to my body. It.seems to be working.really well. Curious to see what.follows.

I have had exactly that same feeling over the 3 years that I've been working w my T. I wanted someone to come with me with a battering ram and knock down all of the walls standing in my way. However, that ain't happening. I feel like we are over here and then next week we are over there and then the following week back someplace else. I think they do leave it up to us, though I put a lot of the onus on my T to help me figure out what to talk about. My life is not a series of dramas I need to discuss from week to week. I have to unbury crap and confront it, which seems much more difficult to me. I also realize that my T is incredibly skilled and knowledgeable and that it is definitely a process that is going to take time. And I am not always happy with the slow progress, but hey, it took me decades to get to the point where I am. Kind of like losing weight - it didn't come on over night, blah blah.

Any time I have expressed frustration, she "understands' it, but that doesn't change it. I would encourage you to talk about it, too. It's possible your T has different methods he/she can utilize. Ask for homework then do it, or come up with your own. Write in between sessions so you have some direction when you go in. There have been times when she has wanted to me to engage in some role playing, etc., and it made me feel silly so I refused to do it. Yes, I stand in my own way sometimes.

One thing that I told her I want to work on is lack of trust, and yet, trust with her can come and go - a snail that runs. LOL. Anyway, I used to ask myself if I was with the right person, then I went to a different therapist one time to test the waters. I think I liked the slow, gentle approach of my current therapist versus the more direct approach of the one I was test driving. I felt like I wanted to stay with the one who already understands me (more than I gave her credit for until I saw this new person). So you may want to test drive or interview others.

Ultimately, we're paying them for their service and should feel we're getting the best bang for our buck. I hope this rambling has made some kind of sense.