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Yes, definitely getting better but it sure has to be a conscious effort. Do you think are naturally integrated for normal people?


HA - that app could be a money maker - "PING! What are you feeling NOW?" "PING! What are you feeling NOW?"

Yes Quite similar Kizzie. Ive been trying to focus on body reactions and feelings vs thoughts since I'm in my head all of the time. Like you said in a different post, it requires a lot of 'checking in' on what the body is doing. I recently noticed tightness in my chest whenever I get angry or anxious. Probably has been happening forever and I'm now just noticing. I think my Venn diagram should say 'thoughts' and 'feelings' and 'present' where they intersect.

It takes some effort since I run on an even keel most times but maybe I'm just not feeling???

Ugh! That woman sounds plain evil. Even knowing you don't deserve such cruelty it's difficult to prevent the words from seeping in. Since you have no ties and your husband obviously sees it too I agree...last visit ever. As an act of self preservation please put yourself first here.

I searched "http://therapists.psychologytoday.com/rms/prof_search.php" and they don't have C-PTSD as an option -'Trauma and PTSD', yes.
Oddly, even Google doesn't recognize it because I did a search on "c-ptsd therapist" in the town near me and it only brought back PTSD results. I'm sure there are experts out there, but the search engine used may not provide the option. It's silly.

My .02 - if you are in doubt, don't. I would advise interviewing or trying three therapists unless you have an instant click. There are 1000s of them out there. Don't feel committed if you are not sure it's a match.

I don't think being a spewer is necessarily a bad thing - you just happen to be more open.  Perhaps it's an extrovert.introvert thing. I'm an introvert and keep my words in my head most of the time. As an extrovert, you may find it helpful to focus upon with whom you share.

On a different note re: friends and sharing.
A very good friend of mine told me over a year ago that she was going to see a therapist due to some major work related stress, type A personality, work is causing her major physical issues, etc. So, in an effort to make her feel Ok about therapy, I told her, oh, shoot, I've been seeing a therapist off and on for most of my adult life. So, since then, I am hearing, "Are you OK, Are you doing OK, you seemed a little off on Christmas." Well, half the time I don't know what the * she's talking about! I had a GREAT time on Christmas! I think part of the problem is I quit drinking and people are used to be getting obnoxious, funny and entertaining while now, I insert my wit in a more subtle manner. At any rate, I feel like shouting "YES I AM FINE! I am NOT on the edge of a cliff teetering and ready to jump!" I didn't tell her WHY I go to therapy (thank God). My S.O. thinks I am being overly sensitive and that she is genuinely caring. I think there has been a marked shift in this "caring" since I mentioned the big T. And *this* is why I don't share a lot of the times...

I like that. Thank you. Very encouraging.

It is an important discussion.

Yes, Cat, what you said makes sense, if you cannot express yourself, you shut down.

Most of us survivors are using it as a defense, I did for decades and didn't even know what it was until my T pointed it out to me. I read an article about how dissociation stimulates an opioid in our brains which is one reason why it is addictive. Cheap, free drugs? I'm there! But seriously, it is an interesting study of self...I was angry last week and checked in with my body to recognize the increased heart rate, the tension in my chest. Being in my head all of the time has caused a serious disconnect between mind and body. Somehow, we still get along really well as I'm a very physical person, but what all am I missing out on? I'm a thinker, but at the same time, I feel things quite deeply. Trying to put all of the pieces together at one time.

There are times like these when I need to look at my Outer Critic. I think that I can have unrealistic expectations at times, and need to remind myself that we all have faults. I must love people in addition to their flaws. Obviously, if you are in a toxic relationship, you need to evaluate the value and get out if that is right for you. However, I have learned over the years (and it was a tough journey) that often I kept people at bay out of fear of letting them be close. Now, I have grown to the point that I have some great friends for 10+ years who I now refer to as my FOC.

Ultimately, I think there are categories of friendships - those with whom you bare your soul and know you can trust them wholeheartedly (rare gems, which is who you are seeking), those you can enjoy doing things with and not fully expose your self (most people), and those who circle around the perimeter. The rare gems usually have to jump through hoops to earn my trust and bare their souls first, then I feel that if they trust ME that much, I can trust them in return. It's a tough set of requirements.

I have kind of envied people who can meet someone new and spew forth all of their inner stuff, unashamed and unafraid. 

MC, yes, one way or another (fear or people or reveling suppressed emotions), we get overwhelmed and shut off.
I am curious as to how you stay present?
I am finding it takes a lot of effort to be attuned to where and when I disconnect and to make a conscious effort to pull out of it or stop it.
You are so right - it is tough to break, and HABIT is the key word. A tool that was handy at the time but now needs to go away.

So I have decided 2015 is my year to blow up, destroy and dismantle my dissociation.
I have been going to therapy and getting nowhere because a big OFF switch gets thrown and I'm sick of it.
I'm trying to get out of my head and check in on the body several times a day.
I have a little piece of paper with a list of gauges (per Babette Rotschild) such as Body sensations, Thoughts, Feelings, etc. and check that list to see what is going on at random moments but sometimes simply feeling the paper in my hand helps to ground me. Especially at stop lights where I catch myself 100000 miles away.

My point is as I peel back this defense, there seems to be a lot of fear behind it. It is a big surprise to me since I can be pretty fearless and I am sure it's been there for decades. What a big reveal though to learn the off button was protection against being overwhelmed by it. I am curious about what is next and looking forward to therapy this week.

I welcome your feedback.

Congrats, lovely! Meditation is a powerful tool - if you research mindful meditation, it even rebuilds gray matter.
I need to check out that app. I love the calm that comes out of meditating, but I have a hard time getting it into my daily routine. It needs to become as routine as flossing..
I believe it truly will help with your healing. Keep it up!

Hi, C - thanks for replying.

I can see where there is value in a group. Right now, I go to spotty therapy, which means an hour here and there, and am reading books. I'd like to add some more fiber to my recovery diet. The committee thing is real and a good stretch for lingering SA issues. I think I will poke around a bit more about local resources.

Good luck on your search.

Hey, C.

You mentioned groups. I find it frustrating here, too, that I live in a city close to 80,000 and there are no free groups outside of the 12 step programs. We all seem to have our own opinions about those. The fact that they don't offer cross-talk makes me think their help is limited. That is one advantage to this forum. You can ask questions and get opinions and some solid input. Several T's offer private groups at $50 a pop. This on top of T is a bit much for me. Have you been in groups before? If so, how did you find them?

This is wisdom. You are seeing yourself grow where he is not.
Two and a half years - be aware. The time to act is when these things become obvious, lest it become 3 years, 8 years, 20 years. Oops.
I don't know what opportunities you have to meet healthy people, but I find that they tend to travel in packs. There are healthy (mentally and physically) men out there. Don't settle for less than you deserve.