Messages

Hi CactusFlower,

Thank you. It certainly seems that way. I'm so glad I found this.

Yes! I find it a really powerful song, it's one of my go to songs if I'm honest. It's also something my last T said to me regularly and it has just stuck with me. Something I find I'm in need of reminding myself of today.

Thank you Blueberry. I'm finding it really helpful 

Hey Papa Coco,

Oh I was always the tagalong. Even had it pointed out on many occasions.
I like to describe myself as a chameleon, I can be pretty much anything you want me to be. Don't like how chatty and energetic I am? No problem, when I am with you, I will be quiet and still. So many versions of myself for every single person in my life. It's no wonder I have always felt exhausted.
The problems arise when I can no longer keep up the act. When my own issues refuse to be ignored. All the 'friends' I have ever had have all been the same in the end. As long as I am available for them, to deal with their problems and be their shoulder, I am amazing and wonderful. As soon as I am not completely there, I am the worst person and I don't care about them. Or they just end up making my issues about them. So I gave up telling people the reality of my life. I remember losing lots of 'friends' in my last few years of secondary school because I refused to always be available. It was amazing to watch these people who I believed cared about me become so distant and uncaring, all because I was no longer serving them.

I can't stand CBT! I have had 3 rounds, low, medium and high intensity. The first was when I was around 18 I think and I don't remember anything apart from breath and write a worry diary. My second round, I was about 21 was better and I liked my T but it didn't really do anything. I didn't feel much better. My last round was high intensity whilst I was pregnant a couple of years ago. That I didn't even complete, the T said to me that there was nothing else she could provide. I had done it all and knew everything she could teach me. So much help
Last year I was put through for some more CBT and it got to the day of my appointment, I was speaking to the T and she apologised to me and said that I should have never made it that far through the process as they were not qualified to help me. It was the wrong therapy. That really messed me up as I was in a really bad way and desperately needed help.
Even the community mental health team will no longer work with me. I have a real lack of control of my emotions and quickly become overwhelmed and honestly, hysterical. I hate that word but it best describes it. I will start as extremely upset and it will always move to anger. I get loud and I lose all sense of control. I have yet to find someone (aside from my Mum) who doesn't shout back or understand (even though I have explained) that in that moment, my brain and my body are remembering something else. So yes I am a mess and having an extreme emotional reaction to something relatively small but I need help to remind me that I am safe. It may be tense but I am not in danger. Everyone just thinks I'm being nasty and shouting and hollering. I had a few moments like this with my co-ordinator, she would contact me after something bad had happened and then not fathom why I was triggered and instead of trying to help me out of it she would just patronise me and argue with me. It always ended in a full blown argument. I dreaded her calls. So even they didn't get it and it was their psychiatrist that diagnosed me as Neurodivergent with c-PTSD! On top of that I am waiting for an ASD assessment too.

I haven't read that. Thank you for the recommendation. I will definitely have a read. I am currently reading 'The Body Keeps The Score' by Bessel van der Kolk. I have found it really eye opening and am learning so much about what has actually happened to my brain because of all the trauma. It is helping me to realise, I'm not crazy, my mind and body have literally been altered due to my experiences.
I have seen a lot about the four F's whilst doing my long hours of research into this thing that plagues my life. It would be interesting to read more about that.

I get so confused by myself. I used to be very vocal and strong willed or at least appeared that way to everyone around me. It was what I wanted. If I was seen as strong and quite frankly formidable then maybe people wouldn't try and hurt me. I have said for years I have mastered the F off vibe lol.
With ex partners that have been abusive, I was always told by friends and family that I was mean to them. In public these partners were the nicest people and everybody liked them but behind closed doors it was a different story. The strong, powerful girl would disappear and the quiet submissive would take her place. I would argue with these partners but my strongest reactions to them were always in front of friends and family. I would blow up over the smallest thing. It was all those emotions flooding to the surface and I felt I was in an environment where I could let go and be safe. People were around so nothing would happen. They would always look so wounded and hurt and I would be told how horrible I could be. But no one knew that ultimately I would pay for that. I think because of how big and bulshy I have always appeared, it stuns people to know what I have suffered. I was always the person that those things wouldn't happen to, because I wouldn't let them.
I have always defended myself, verbally and with great passion but there would be so many times that I would either just disappear from my body or I would just sit and take it. Never making a sound or saying a word. Now I will go either way, I'll either be triggered to an explosion or I'll just go quite and timid like a little mouse. I'm a full on rollercoaster 

I like the Cinder-Fella, that's very good and the horse analogy is perfect. That's such a clear way of seeing it for what it is.

I still can't help but find myself thinking, 'oh it wasn't that bad. Look at all the support you have had off of your family all your life' but I need to remind myself too that I was bullied relentlessly by all of my siblings. There are still jokes and things today that I will laugh along with but secretly I feel sick. To them it was all harmless fun, to me it was daily torment I couldn't escape even at school because it just continued there from my peers. I love my family and wish them all well but I think it will be a very long time before I would even consider any true contact with them.

My priority for the first time in my life has to be me. I'm still learning how to do that but it needs to be done, my child needs a healthy Mum and I can't be that if I'm surrounded by people that have caused so much pain. Even if unintentionally.

Hi Kizzie 
Thank you. I just want to say that this is an amazing thing you have created here. I have only recently found it but I am already so grateful for it's existence 

Papa Coco,

A lot of us HSP C-PTSD survivors (also called Enneagram 6s), are living with two personas; one is we are highly intelligent. We're street smart, and well read on psychology. We can see right through Narcissistic people. We're kind, and we fawn over others. We're there for our friends, but we almost never ask our friends for help in return. We're self-reliant yet understanding of others. We can read rooms. The other half of the time, we're exhausted from having brains that won't rest. Trust issues pop up like weeds whenever we try to share our lives with others. We tend to isolate because we feel safer when we're alone. We try to meditate but we can't stop the active thoughts from dragging us all over the place. We struggle to sleep. We are prone to trauma flashbacks, which make us appear to be manic/depressive, and we have big emotions that argue with our big intelligence, making big decisions into very difficult conundrums.

Wow! You have real way of articulating things.
This made me cry, I just keep reading it. I feel like I'm looking at myself on the page! Just yes.

I have always been told I am clever. I'm aware of it too. I'm not crazy intelligent but I'm sharp enough lol.
I've also grown up being told I would make a good counsellor (told this by counsellors) and also a good teacher. I was looking through my school leavers book a few weeks back and I found a message from my English teacher. It made me smile as she was telling me she would be expecting my application to the English department, (I used to help her grade papers and verbal assessments at times).

I like what you said about two teams. I very much feel this way and have for a long time. I'm trying to break that mindset and I'm hoping I can start making some head way being here 

I have spent my life trying to please everyone in it. Doing what other people want and ignoring my own feelings and needs. I am trying to change that but man is it hard. At this point in my life I can honestly say I don't know who I am. It feels as if I have spent all my time, bending and twisting myself into what people want and need. In doing that I never learned about myself. My last therapist would regularly ask me what I like, what my hobbies are, what I enjoy and I couldn't answer. He was the first person to understand why. I can tell people hobbies and interests but I use generic things. Like listening to music, who doesn't like listening to music?
It's a strange feeling realising that you don't actually know yourself. If I don't know who I am, how can anyone else? I don't even know how to describe myself. Really bizarre.

I have always been a strong defender of other people. Fiercely protective of those I care about. To the point of putting myself in danger and getting hurt, just to protect those around me. Never have I had anyone protect me in the same way.
I have had support throughout my life from my family but I was never able to go to them when it really mattered. Things that no child should have to keep to themselves. It never felt like a safe space to talk about those things. Also if I'm brutally honest I didn't feel like anyone would really care. They might go through the motions but it wouldn't be as important as everything else that was going on. That's how I felt. Even now, my Mum knows a lot but she certainly doesn't know everything as I know it would upset her. I know she feels she failed me and I don't want her to feel worse. My Mum did the very best that she could and I truly believe that. She had a lot to deal with and as the youngest of 6 I kind of got lost in the mix. Until I started playing up. That became the only way I got noticed but the guilt I felt at causing my Mum more trouble was immense. I just wanted someone to realise that I existed too. In the end my oldest sister moved me in with her for 4 months so I was out of the toxic environment at home. It did help me at school and my mood did improve somewhat. But I was in constant fear for Mum and what she was having to deal with. One of my brothers and one of my sisters were still living at home and they were horrific. My brother was violent and my sister manipulative and spiteful. Also a thief. I was always worried about what was happening and I knew things were going on that I wasn't being told about. I would always find out when I went home at weekends and that just made my anxiety worse the next week. I dreaded moving back home but I also couldn't wait to be back so I could help my Mum.

I used to rely heavily on my oldest sister. She was like a second Mum for a lot of years. But I slowly started to realise that every time I went to her, I would end up getting a lecture on what I should or shouldn't be doing but done under the guise of advice and sincerity. It got to the point that when I found out I was pregnant and I told her, I asked her not to lecture me about it. Her response to that was 'well that means you weren't careful'. That was the very reason I was nervous about telling her. I knew there would be comments made. I find it really hard as in the last year or so I have gone virtually NC with all my siblings. I say virtually because I believe since I walked away I have spoken to 3 on at least one occasion, there was always a distinct reason and since those interactions there have been nothing.

I do not look back on my childhood and think of happy times. In fact I find it really hard to think of any and I really have to sift through memories before I come to one. Don't get me wrong they are there, just hard to find. I am only just really unpacking my childhood and all that has happened. I always placed a lot of my trauma starting when I was a teenager but my last T made me realise that my childhood was really damaging. I find that knowledge alone really hard to accept because I am really starting to see how badly I was failed. How I slipped through the cracks, even though many people knew home life was turbulent. I'm starting to appreciate where my anger comes from and why I struggle to maintain healthy relationships of any kind.

I know I have a very long way to go and I am currently not in therapy. It ended earlier this year and I have yet to find a way to tackle my anxiety and get back to the Dr's. I have a hard time trusting Dr's as I have been passed from pillar to post for years. I find going to the Dr's about my mental health really triggering. It took me trying to leave it all for me to finally be noticed and taken seriously by professionals. Unfortunately I only had 6 months with my last T. A real shame and a real loss for me as I really trusted this man. For the first time, I was telling my story and not being judged. Not being told I didn't have it that bad or that I was lying, or there were holes in my story. My weekly sessions were my lifeline and I miss him dearly. Unfortunately that is the way of it. I can only get 12-24 weeks of sessions through the NHS it would seem.
I know I'll get there, I have to. I have a small human depending on me and I am determined for them to NEVER feel the way I did as a child. That way I hope they will never feel like I do as an adult. I cannot protect my child from everything, I know that but I hope I can make sure my baby knows they will never be alone. That whenever they should need someone I will always be there.

I'm hoping I can use this space to help unjumble the mess in my head and make a bit more sense of it. Hopefully this will work as helpful tool whilst I'm getting therapy sorted out. I'm hoping I won't feel so alone. I don't have any friends, my relationship has just failed and my Mum lives across a body of water. It is just me and my child, so I'm also hoping that reading others stories and just interacting with those who understand will help me dip my toe back into the world if you like. At this point I'm ready to try anything.

Hey Hope 

Thank you. I appreciate it 

It feels so strange to have someone understand (that isn't a therapist) what I'm saying. Even when I feel like I'm rambling.
To have someone that has experienced these things themselves put into words what I never can.

I have always been good judge of character and can read a room really well but when it comes to personal relationships all of that seems to go out of the window. I've always said I have big flashing beacon above my head that only the wrong people can see. For some reason I never see the truth of these people until it's too late.

The self-doubt I have is incredible. It affected my last relationship in a big way. I have zero faith in my own abilities anymore and zero faith in my own mind and memories. I'm always questioning if it actually happened that way.
It's exhausting to battle this daily and to feel so alone through all of it.

I really appreciate everything you have shared with me and I'm feeling really positive about this forum. Thank you Papa Coco 

Hey Papa Coco,

Yes I have. I am now realising just how often this has happened and by how many people. I find it quite shocking. It's like I have spent my life attracting these sorts of people. The times I have and still do question my own sanity and my own knowledge. Being told things happened that didn't, or vice versa. Or that I remember them wrong and it wasn't like that at all. The amount of times I have been called crazy or a psycho. I constantly doubt myself and if I have remembered things correctly. I find myself repeating things in my head over and over so I can be sure I have got the right information. I expect to be told I'm wrong when I recount things. Regardless of what that thing is, it could be so insignificant but I always wonder.
I don't even trust my own accounts of things. I question what I know to be my reality all the time. But I can't say this to anyone because I'll just be told I'm being silly or it's not like that. If I repeat something that I have been told and I get something wrong, I immediately apologise and feel terrible about it. I've always been told I apologise too much but I can't help myself. My brain just immediately wants to diffuse what it sees as a potentially difficult situation.
You are right as well, the words just fall over themselves. They fall out of my mouth at the speed they are going through my brain and I don't even know what I have said. There is always this underlying desperation that I must get it out and must explain all at once but the tangents I go off on can be wild!

I come from a large, single parent family and I totally understand the facade of a 'tight-knit' family. I honestly thought that's what we were for years. It's only looking back with a different perspective that I can see that we were never truly 'tight-knit'. There was always a divide in my family, I just didn't truly see it for what is was until I got older. I have had plenty of love and support from my family but I never felt like I belonged. All advice was given in lecture form and ultimately it was firmly placed on my shoulders to 'break the chain' as I was the youngest. One of my brothers was physically abusive with me, my sisters and my Mum but me and Mum got the worst of it. I am currently no contact with anyone besides my Mum. I honestly don't think they will ever accept or appreciate the damage my childhood has caused and their parts to play in that.

When people ask why a child doesn't tell someone that they're being abused, the answer given is usually because of fear. But for me it was more about having been too confused to even know what to tell someone.

This resonates with me in a big way! My last partner, this is one thing he just couldn't understand. That why as young child when these things happened to me, why I didn't run home and tell my family. In his head that is what a child would instinctively do. I could not get him to understand that actually if you look closely, most kids don't say anything, like you say out of fear. Fear of not being believed and fear of what comes after you tell. The other thing he just couldn't understand is that although I loved my family, it wasn't actually a space where I could talk openly. I never felt like I could go home and tell anyone. When I did finally talk, it was to a friend who promptly spread it around and I was accused of lying. So I learned to not say anything to anyone. This became a lifelong habit.

My last counsellor was amazing and I miss our sessions a great deal. He was the one that helped me open my eyes to a lot of abuse I have experienced. I would be talking about things in a very normal way, not bothered by what I was saying and he would say to me after, 'What you have just described is abuse, that's not normal behaviour.' or something to that effect. It really made me realise that all these years I've spent saying, 'oh it wasn't that bad, others have it worse', it was rubbish. It was that bad and the people causing it had me completely convinced that there was nothing wrong with what they were doing. Or that there was simply nothing I could do about it.
I am constantly amazed by what I have gone through and not even realised.

Thank you all for the warm welcome 

Master of my sea ... welcome 

I resonate very closely with your condition, plus your concerns and fears about coming forward. I felt that way; still do, to an extent, but after some years here have found my fears greatly diminished; in other words, I feel safer than I would in many other circumstances. Along with therapy and some other developments, I'm probably doing better than I have in several years, at least regarding my own place in life. Mind you, there's still so much healing, and that involves daily efforts to keep in mind.

One notable thing, is I'm extremely isolated, starting with my own residence in a very remote region; by choice, I must hasten to add. Despite that, I was able to practice vocations over the years which were quite social in nature. This helped but the urge to stay isolated for the most part still dominates, and I've learned to accept that while staying open to how  I can alter that somewhat. And one way has involved plugging into this site where and when I can -- even though here I'm still a bit withdrawn (old fears never die, it seems.

Whoa -- I didn't mean to invade your intro with so much per my own state of being. Mainly I just wanted to illustrate how this forum can become a part of your working efforts at recovery; as it has for me; in addition to many other approaches I've added to the mix I've preferred to call discovery -- finding a new life, basically.

Alright, here's hoping you find the support and understanding here you've been unable to come by in your other approaches.

You haven't invaded at all  Isolating and withdrawing has always been a go to for me. Many people throughout my life have never understood why I do it and it is only recently that I am starting to understand and appreciate the need myself. I know I am not currently in a place where attempting to socialise face to face is just not an option. Hopefully I can bridge that gap somewhat here.

Papa Coco, thank you. It was something my last counsellor said to me virtually every session. To remind me that I am the one in control of my life. I decide what happens to me. It's also lyrics to a song. The song resonates strongly with me and always gives me a bit of a boost. I find it very powerful.
I thought I had everything under control but a couple of years ago the lid was ripped off the box and so much just hit me and knocked me off my feet. I'm still trying to pull myself back up. It's a confusing jumbled mess and I have found that when I try and explain things to people, my stories lose their clarity. What comes out of my mouth is quite literally what is happening in my head and even I don't understand. So other people have no hope.

I find it helpful to read and research and find out as much as I can about what I am dealing with but nothing can beat talking to actual people with real life experiences. Just to actually see that I am not alone and I am not mad.

I have been thinking about making a post for a long time but never had the courage. I have come and had a read and then retreated and come back. Seeing so many others doing the same sort of thing has given me the final push 
I am still figuring out some of my story, if that makes any sense. It is only in more recent times that I have started to realise and have it pointed out to me, that a lot of things that have happened in my life would be considered traumatic. For me it was just daily life.

There have been so many things that trying to sort through the mess in my head feels like an impossible task. But being unable to do this has caused more issues for me. I find myself completely isolated, unable to maintain healthy relationships with anybody really. Trusting people is a huge issue for me, I have been through so much, much caused by the people closest to me. So the very idea of letting anyone new in is terrifying.

I'm hoping that by finally posting here I can find a place where I don't feel so different. That I can finally communicate with people that truly understand the chaos I deal with everyday.

So on that note...Hi all!